DAY 3: CLARKE
"What's going on here?"
Raven's unexpected voice makes me glance up from the temporary operating table, just briefly. She enters the tent with a puzzled look on her face.
There's no room for any explanation though, as Mom keeps giving me directions on how to assist her. She hands me an IV bag. Yet before I can raise my arm to keep it up high, I get distracted again.
This time it's Luna, who all of a sudden lets go of Yumiko's hand and leaves the tent without a word, but with a rather disturbing expression and a firm tread - almost walking over Raven in her way out.
"Hey, watch it!" Raven shouts after her, while trying to keep her balance. "Jesus, whoever that was, I suggest we put her back to sleep asap."
She must have missed the resemblance in the promptness of it all. Since I remember them being pretty close in the past, I can't think of any other reason why Raven wouldn't recognize her.
And then it hits me.
They were close.
They had this understanding, this deep connection between the two of them. Could that be it?
Without further thinking I call her over to me and shove the bag of fluids in her hands, while ordering her to hold it up high. She does as I say, though she wouldn't be Raven for not asking questions. I get it, I would too, but again: there's no time for answers.
In the midst of walking away, all I can promise her is: "Later..."
Once outside it doesn't take long to find Luna. She's standing on the far edge of the campsite, leaning against a tree with one hand, the other one pressed against her chest. She looks like she just threw up. When I get closer, I notice that she's panting.
I walk over to her, until I am about five feet behind her.
"You okay?" I warily ask.
She doesn't turn around. Doesn't respond either.
I take another step forward, cautious, on my guard.
"What happened in there?" I try again.
By the raising of her shoulders I can tell she's drawing a long breath. It seems like a desperate attempt to pull herself together. With her hand still against the timber, she hangs her head.
"How?" she speaks up, though barely audible. "How do I have memories that aren't mine?"
"I... I don't know," I honestly admit. "Madi thinks it must have been the City of Lights. Alicia says—"
"Lexa," she interrupts me, her voice now loud and clear. Slowly, she turns around, her eyes boring into mine. "Her name is Lexa."
I nod.
We both stay silent. Her face is set in despair, and it aches my heart to see her this confused. This lost.
"I don't really know how any of this is possible," I tell her again, "But those memories, they are yours. You're not just Magna, you are—"
"No!" she cuts me off again, shaking her head fiercely. "No!"
With two more steps I close the distance between us and rest my hand on her shoulder. To my relief she doesn't push me away.
"You are Luna... Luna kom Floukru. And you know it."
Deeply exhaling, she shakes her head again, then abruptly drops herself to the ground. I squat down in front of her.
"I know remembering all this brings you back to a place, a darkness you might not want to relive. But you don't have to. You're not really there anymore. You're here now. You got another chance."
"Which I don't deserve!" She looks up at me. Her eyes are darkened, filled with pain. This time I'm the one to shake my head.
"You are one of the most heartfelt, diligent, compassionate persons I've ever met. You stood for your beliefs, and built this peaceful, selfless world. Taking care of those in need. How could that not deserve a second chance?"
She scoffs. "You forget about the part where I was about to destroy that world."
"After we destroyed you! Luna, if there's any blame, it's ours."
She stays quiet again.
"I know you've got a lot to process. A lot of heavy feelings to deal with. Including those of your final moments." Suddenly uncomfortable, I swallow. "Please don't feel like you have nothing to live for. Cause you do." I point at he biggest tent, about eighty yards away from us. "She's right there."
Luna lets out a harsh breath and rises to her feet.
"You're right," she says, looking down on me, "You are to blame."
Alarmed by the sudden calm in her voice, I quickly stand up as well. "Wait! I-I can't let you go back like this. I need to ask you for your weapons."
She narrows her eyes. "You think I'm going to fight the people who are saving my girlfriend's life? If I'd wanted you guys dead, I'd killed you all a long time ago."
She walks past me without waiting for my response. I hastily turn around.
"What about Octavia?"
Holding her pace she looks over her shoulder, shrugging lightly. "She did what she had to do."
The look on my face must tell her that her indifference doesn't reassure me just yet. Heaving another sigh, she turns and walks back to me.
"Listen, I just need some time, okay? To process, like you said, and to be with Miko. I don't want to harm anyone, and I don't think you want to either." Before I can answer, she gestures to the sky. The sun is about to set. "I don't reckon we're going anywhere tonight. You think we can trust each other?"
I press my lips together and peer into her eyes, trying to read her. I can't. I have to trust my instinct.
"Yes," I slowly nod. "Tell me what you need."
I might be wrong, but I think I catch the tiniest lip quiver. A hint of a smile. I just can't tell if it's a sign of relief or victory.
"I need to be me. Magna, that is," she says. "To the people I've just met. And also to not meet anyone else."
"I might have to talk to Madi then. Don't worry, we can trust her," I rush to add. "She knows about Lexa, too. And she can make sure you guys will be left alone."
"Why on earth are people listening to that kid?" Luna frowns, right before I see the dawning realization in her eyes. "Wait... she's the Commander!?"
I lift my shoulder in some half shrug and pull a face, knowing how she feels about the subject. Which isn't much different than how I feel about it. But for now I believe she's got enough to deal with. So without going into the matter, I just nod towards the tent. "Come on. There's someone waiting for you."
... ...
Together we walk back into the camp. Unlike before, there are lots of people around now; there must have been at least forty on the last ride down here. Everyone is busy setting up tents and preparing for the night to come, but this doesn't reassure me. I'm still aware that we're easy to spot—and recognize—which is why we quickly dive back into the tent that's now serving as an OR.
By the looks of it, Mom has just finished. She's covering Yumiko's lower body with a thin sheet. Madi is still there. Everyone else is gone.
"Is she okay?" Luna asks from right behind me.
Mom looks up at her. "She is," she softly smiles, "You can come closer. Here, take my place." She steps aside and focuses on me. "We got the bullet out. She'll be fine."
"Great," I mirror her smile, "Thank you."
She opens her mouth, about to shoot the first of the many questions she must have, but my eyes already meet Madi's.
"We need to talk," I simply tell her.
Madi follows me outside without question. Once out of hearing distance from everyone else, we sit down on a fallen trunk. I lean towards her.
"Remember what I told you about Lexa?"
"How could I forget?" she snorts. Then, more eagerly, "What about her? Is she here?"
I smile, understanding her avidity. "Kind of. She's hiding in the woods. This isn't about her though. We uhm, we found out there are more like her. One, at least."
Madi stares at me, expectantly, clearly wondering where this is going.
"Octavia and my mom, they weren't wrong. Magna isn't just Magna. She's also Luna."
"Luna? The Natblida that ran?!"
"... and eventually got killed by Octavia during the final conclave," I nod.
A flash of terror crosses her face. "Is that why she's here? For revenge?"
Shaking my head, I quickly move my hands to her lap, preventing her from jumping up and storming back to that tent. "No, she's not. She's not here to fight us. Any of us. She didn't even remember us, or herself for that matter, until she got here. And now that she does, Octavia seems to be the least of her issues."
"So why did you bring her here?"
"Because we need her. Lexa and I. We need her."
Madi sits up. "And so you need us, too. How exactly?"
I brush my palms together, then bob my head towards the camp. "They both need to stay here for the night, in that tent, without anyone knowing. Or bothering them."
"What about you?" she asks.
"I'll go and find Lexa. Stay with her in the woods. I'll come back tomorrow to get them and bring them back home... somehow."
"You can't stay in the woods. It's not safe!"
"We'll be fine," I wave away her concerns, "You know she doesn't want to be seen. And I'm not leaving her there alone."
"Then we'll sneak her in," Madi determines. "You go and find her, then come back after dark. You can stay in the loading space, the one you can acces from the back. I'll unlock the door for you."
I hesitate. "I don't know, there might be people wandering around."
"I make sure they're at the camp. I call for a briefing, let's say in half an hour?" Leaning in to look into my eyes, she takes my hands. "Clarke, please don't stay out there."
Giving in once again, I sigh. "I'll try."
With that promise I get up and make my way to the deeper part of the woods. As I'm trying to find the correct spot, I suddenly realize it was only yesterday I was running here as well, about to find Lexa... who wasn't there. What if today is the same?
Somewhat to my relief it turns out there's no need to worry. She's there. Waiting for me, and finding her place in my arms as soon as she gets the chance.
"What happened? Is she okay?" Her warm breath hits my neck.
"Yeah, she is," I tell her, holding her close for just a little longer. "My mom was able to help her. But that's not everything. Luna, she... she remembered."
Lexa frees herself from my embrace, her eyes wide open. "She did? How? Did she meet Octavia?"
"Shortly, yes. But nothing happened there. Not even a hint of recognition. Turned out it wasn't Octavia we needed. It was Raven."
"Raven?!"
"Which makes sense, actually," I continue, as a grin sneaks up on my face. "See, we were thinking about the last person she saw, but I'm starting to think it's not about that. I think it's about the person who means something. Who's important to you."
Lexa's lips turn into a smirk, telling me she must be thinking the same thing I am. "Like you are to me," she grins.
I take her hand. "Could that be it?"
"That must be it," she nods, "Cause you mean the world to me."
She pulls me in for another hug before I can say anything, and for a little while we just stand there, in silence and rapture.
"Come," I say when I finally break our embrace, "I got us a place to sleep, in the back of the ship. It will be safe."
... ...
Creeping in a wide circle around the glade, and hidden by the shadows of the trees, we sneak back to the dropship where we hide in the bushes until it's completely dark. That's when we look around for a final check and quickly cross the open space between us and our shelter.
The heavy door opens with a pull of the lever and closes behind us with a firm push. There's a lock switch on the inside. There's also light, running on the generator, but I know it's connected to a small warning light on the control panel which might draw someone's attention. Madi must have realized that as well, cause she left three oil lamps, together with some blankets, food, and a basin with soap water.
Before I know it, a heartily laugh escapes me.
"What?" Lexa asks, a curious frown furrowing her brow.
I tilt my chin towards the basin. "Madi," I grin, "When she was young and just with me, she loved running around bare feet. So we had this rule: you can get as dirty as you want by day, but your bed stays clean; we might be the last two people on earth, but we're still not animals."
She smiles at me, in that controlled but oh so genuine way, with only one corner of her mouth slightly moving, yet with her eyes lighting the room. "You raised her well."
"I tried," I shrug, and then we both laugh.
I pick up the lamps and light them one by one. As soon as they spread their typical, warm glow through the room, I turn around and switch off the light. There. We're out of sight.
Spreading the blankets on the floor, I create us an improvised bed. When I look up again, I see Lexa standing by the basin, her back now turned towards me. She has taken off her shirt and is washing herself with the sponge. I go stand behind her and let my finger glide over her spine.
"Your tattoo... it's gone."
"Born with a clean slate," she mumbles, almost to herself.
I reach around her and take the sponge from her hand. Without a word I unhook her bra, exposing the skin underneath, and start to rub her back - slowly, like we've got all the time in the world. Which for once, we do.
When I'm sure I washed every inch of her back I move the sponge to her shoulder, then leisurely stroke it down all the way to her fingertips. She lifts her hand, stretches her fingers, welcomes and accepts me. Our hands for a moment lost in a silent dance.
When I move to switch to her other arm, I wipe her long hair to the side with my free hand and brush my lips against the hollow of her neck. There's no scar. No sign of her ever carrying the Flame.
It doesn't make her any less her.
I taste her skin - her typical sweet and salty skin. Inhale her scent that's still so distinctively her, despite the heavy smell of soap that's now surrounding her. And, as she slowly turns around, drown in the green of her eyes like I've done so many times before.
"You're still you," I whisper.
Without taking my eyes off of hers, I lay my hands on her shoulders and let her bra slide down her arms. In the same pace as before I gently wash her chest, her breasts, her rib cage, before lowering myself to graze my lips over the smooth and unharmed skin of her belly. There's no blood this time. Just goosebumps.
"I'm glad you got to leave the bad behind."
She doesn't answer. Instead she makes me stand up and slips her fingers underneath the hem of my tank top. I raise my arms above my head. The top finds its way next to her bra within seconds.
Lexa takes the sponge from me, rinses it and starts scrubbing Yumiko's dried blood from my hands and arms. She takes her time, like I just did, and I let her. Why wouldn't I? When she moves her wet hand to the sensitive skin around my belly button I shiver.
She looks up through her lashes. "Cold?"
I shake my head.
It doesn't take long before my bra hits the ground and her fingers find the button of my pants. As her eyes cross mine again, I can tell that she hesitates. I show her a small, encouraging smile, then pull her in for a kiss. With our lips connected she continues to undo my pants, before slowly sliding it down.
To step out of it I try to kick off my shoes without breaking our connection. It's a hopeless attempt. Besides, Lexa already kneels down to help me out and, as it turns out, to wash my feet, my calves, my thighs, in the same way she did before - ever so slowly, exploring every part of me, as she's making her way back up again.
I try to stay patient, but my hand, that's now lightly resting on the top of her head, gives me away. I start to fidget, and as I decide it's taking too long, even to pull. When she finally rises to her feet there's a smile lingering on her lips that tells me I don't have to worry. She has only just begun.
She reaches behind herself and grabs the towel that's next to the basin. She dries me off, gradually once again, then hands it to me to return the favor.
The next step is not hard to guess. As the towel finds its way to the growing pile on the floor, our lips find each other again. It's just a few steps to the spread out blankets, but even in that short length we manage to lose more clothes along the way. All our clothes, to be exact.
As soon as we lie down, we find ourselves in an embrace. In an exploration of hands and lips. In a renewed discovery of each other's body, while our breathing is quickly losing control.
I want this to last forever, but despite my clouded brain I can tell it won't. After all this time, all this build up, we're just too impatient. Too eager. When Lexa's fingers find their way to my throbbing core I know I'm down for the count.
She touches me, strokes me, electrifies me in a way no one else ever has, and no one else ever can.
A deep moan escapes me. Throwing my head back, I stretch and arch my back. She doesn't allow the distance between us though. Without pulling her hand back she moves up, maneuvering her free arm underneath my head, and tilting it towards her.
"Stay with me," she breathes, our mouths now only an inch away from each other.
Unable to control it, my body keeps writhing underneath her touch. Yet she manages to keep me close. To keep our eyes connected in those short moments between my heavy panting. God, I love how strong she is.
Gasping for the little air between us I raise my hips to meet her hand, to claim more pressure. She gives me what I want, and more; she also increases the speed of her fingers. That's when I fall, over the edge, into a deep, mind-blowing bliss that keeps the world from turning.
Hardly able to breathe I slowly open my eyes to gaze into hers, as she hovers above me. Her eyes blazed with love and passion. Her lips forming the most beautiful smile.
"You okay?"
I just nod. I'm more than okay.
For the first time since I lost her, I feel like I'm alive again.
... ...