DAY 19: CLARKE

The moment the door is opened before me, revealing what's behind it, I step inside. There she is, lying on the examination table, with her eyes closed and her wrists and ankles strapped down.

My Madi.

I sprint towards her and start pulling the chains with a force from within I never experienced before. Rage and despair take over, making me blind for anything else around me. All I see is Madi, looking so small and innocent, yet shackled like an animal. She blinks, slowly opening her eyes, until her gaze meets mine.

"Clarke, no, d-don't," she murmurs, her voice fragile at first, but quickly gaining strength. "Leave them on."

"There's no way in hell!" I mutter. My eyes are already back on the chains, as I keep fervidly twisting and pulling them without any success.

"Stop!" she tries again, "Please! I'm a hazard."

I shake my head, my teeth deeply sunken in my lips. "You're not, you hear me? You're not like any of them. I won't accept that. I'm not—"

"Clarke, you're hurting me!"

My hands freeze. I stare at them. What am I doing? These chains are made of steel! Slowly exhaling, I release the air I was holding, then finally look at her again. My hand cups her cheek, gentle now, my thumb brushing her clammy skin.

"I'm sorry," I pant, slightly out of breath.

Madi averts her eyes. "I'm sorry, too."

"For what?" I frown.

"For getting in trouble," she mumbles, drawing another shaky sigh from me.

"Oh, honey..."

"You warned me about them," she concedes, her gaze still stuck on her feet. "And I'd seen them, too. Growling and grasping and savaging, coming towards us with their jaws already open. But these ones, they were different."

"How?"

"They were... calm, I guess. They were just standing there. Their heads bowed, almost dangling. Their bodies slumped, with their arms just hanging there. They didn't seem dangerous, they were more like... like sleepwalkers."

I grimace at the comparison, quietly moaning, "Yeah, hungry sleepwalkers."

"I thought we could pass them," she goes on. When her eyes finally find mine again, I can feel her jaw clench underneath my touch. "I misjudged. I brought our people in danger by underestimating the enemy, and when Murphy got attacked—"

"Wait, Murphy got attacked? I thought you did?"

She shakes her head, slowly and with some effort, telling me she feels much weaker than she wants me to believe. "No, it was Murphy. He got pushed over and jumped on. I just came in between."

"You just—" I gasp, my eyes widening in astonishment. "Madi, you can't just... What were you thinking?!"

"I wasn't. I was doing. Doing what needed to be done. A Commander doesn't stand and watch. A Commander fights."

I turn around, my eyes finding Lexa's right away. "That freaking Flame," I grumble between my teeth, "I swear to God—"

"Shhh," she hushes me, "Not now, Clarke. She won't hear you. Here, unchain her."

She hands me a small key that Niylah must have given to her. I take a deep breath, swallow and turn towards Madi again.

"Don't fight me on this," I tell her in a stern voice, and this time she doesn't. As soon as her wrists are freed, she sits up and embraces me.

"Please don't be mad," she breathes into my hair.

I pull her in even closer.

"I'm not mad," I sigh. "I'm just worried. I'm so damn worried, Madi. I-I can't lose you, okay? I can't stop you from being the Commander, but that thing—"

I fall quiet when I feel the light touch of Lexa's hand on my shoulder. I swallow again, then finish my sentence by pressing a kiss on Madi's cheekbone. I let go of her, a little reluctant, and force myself to smile.

"There's someone I like you to meet."

As I take a small step aside, Madi's eyes find Lexa, who just now appears in her field of vision. They widen, an expression of awe transforming her face. Opening her mouth, she lets out a breathless gasp.

"Lexa?"

"Hi Madi," Lexa softly smiles at her, taking my place right next to the table.

Madi keeps staring at her, searching for words. "Y-You've got to tell me," she stammers at last. Stretching her hand she lets her fingertips slide across Lexa's face, like a blind person trying to catch someone's features. "Tell me!"

Except for my charcoal drawings, Madi has never seen Lexa. I know she's heard her though. For Madi, the sound of Lexa's voice is the ultimate prove. And Lexa knows it, too.

"It's me, Madi. It's really me. I'm not in your head anymore," she says, her smile now growing into a goofy, lopsided grin. "At least I hope not. Wouldn't want you to listen to me in stereo!"

A weak but merry laugh bursts from Madi's lips. "Don't worry, you're not. To be honest, it's been days since I heard any of the Commander's voices. I could be wrong, but ever since we got here I feel like they're starting to fade away somehow."

"Well, I'm glad," Lexa smiles again as she helps Madi adjust the table, so she can sit up against her pillow. "I know how annoying they can get."

"All but one," Madi smirks, swiftly glancing at me for a second. I chuckle and shake my head, but her focus is already back on Lexa, who rests her hand on Madi's knee. Her smile has vanished, but her voice is still soft and warm.

"How are you doing, ai strik heda? Are you in any pain?"

Madi shakes her head again and lifts her arm a bit, showing us the bandage that's hiding the bite. "Abby cleaned the wound and gave me some painkillers. I'm just feeling sleepy. Like that time I had the flu." She looks at me, then back at Lexa, then suddenly turns her face away from the both of us, staring at her feet again. "I'm scared, though."

Lexa moves her hand, taking Madi's into her own. Remarkably, Madi doesn't retract. Even though she has grown more affectionate over the years, she always stayed somewhat reserved—vigilant even—when it comes to strangers. Yet Lexa's touch doesn't seem to disturb her. On the contrary, it seems to calm her down.

Their eyes meet again.

"You think you're not allowed to be scared?" Lexa quietly asks her. "Because you're the Commander?"

Madi blinks. "Were you ever?"

"All the time!" Lexa exclaims, throwing her head back dramatically.

"But you're a warrior?! You fought guys twice your size!"

The corner of Lexa's lips twists into that well-known, subtle smile of hers.

"Oh, I wasn't scared of them. I was scared of the responsibility. Of failing my people. Of losing the people I cared about, and with that of caring at all. Feelings are scary. They make you vulnerable." She looks at me, her smile still lingering on her face, warming my heart as it always does. "But they also tell you there are things worth fighting for."

Facing Madi again, she leans in to continue in a more secretive tone, "Also, I had to run for a giant gorilla once. Don't tell anyone, but I came this close to shitting my pants right there!"

Despite my worries a smile sneaks on my face. Watching how Lexa makes Madi laugh, how she makes her feel better with such ease, it leaves me speechless. Lexa, on the other hand, seems to know exactly what to say.

"It's okay to be a little scared sometimes," she goes on, softly squeezing Madi's hand, "For others, or for yourself. But you know what? I don't think you need to be this time. I think you'll be okay."

"What makes you so sure?" I finally speak up. "When Raven told you about the recovery—"

"I guess I needed to see it with my own eyes," she cuts me off. She takes my hand into her free one, connecting us all, then turns to Madi again. "You know I've been around here for a while, right? That I'm... not just Lexa. I was born here before the world as I knew it went down. I've seen it happening. I've seen people getting sick, before they turned. You don't look like them. You're ill, and you need help, but Clarke is right: you are not one of them."

"So what am I?" Madi asks.

Lexa raises her shoulders. "A miracle?"

I let go of Lexa's hand and take a seat right behind her on the table, my arms wrapped around her and my chin lightly resting on her shoulder. "That we already knew," I can't help but smile.

"And what are they?" Madi goes on, eager for anything that Lexa can tell her.

"Who knows," Lexa shrugs again, "They go with many different names. We used to call them Infected. I heard people call them Biters and Roamers as well. These days we mostly go with Walkers."

"And they are dead? You're sure about that?"

Lexa stays quiet for a second, as if she needs to give it some thought. Which surprises me, since I thought this was pretty clear.

"We have to believe that they are," she nods after all, "To be able to deal with them, to... get rid of them without any emotion. Cause the thought that there might still be someone in there, held hostage by whatever is taking over..." She lets her voice drift off before speaking up again. "I mean, yeah, they are most probably dead."

"You're saying there's no scientific proof?" I ask, cocking my head so I can see her.

"Not that I know of," she answers, spinning slightly towards me. "But it's a big world. With way more people around than on our former planet. At least before the infection hit. So far I've never heard anything about research though, let alone about a cure."

Madi coughs and shifts in her seat, drawing our attention again. "Abby started to look into it," she says, "She wants to know what we're dealing with. Her hypothesis was either a virus or a bacterium. But then she cut Brell's brain out and put it under a microscope, and after that she didn't know what to think anymore."

I raise my brows. "What did she see?"

"I don't know exactly, she didn't show me. She just told me it looked like something was starting to grow, from inside the brain."

"Like a fungus?" Lexa questions.

Madi looks pensive. "No, I don't think so. It sounded more like some kind of roots. Clarke, do you remember when we cut off those branches and put them in jars with water, back home in Shallow Valley? To grow more plants? After a week or so we could see all those thin, white threads. Abby's description reminded me of that, although the outgrowth sounded way shorter."

"Might look different on someone who turned ages ago," Lexa remarks.

"That's what Abby thinks, and why she wants to find one of those. Which shouldn't be too hard," Madi nods. "I know it's not on top of her list though. That spot is clearly for me."

"As it should be," I tell her while standing up. We've waited long enough, and although I can tell how seeing us is giving her a boost for this moment, it's also very clear to me that she's becoming more pale every minute.

I turn around to look at Niylah, who's been waiting patiently by the door since we got here. Some might think it's because she's taking care of Madi. Some might think it's because she's my friend. But I know that, despite her promise, she's there waiting for instructions, maybe even orders, from Lexa.

"Can you get Abby and Jackson, please?" I ask her, "We're ready for the blood transfusion."

Niylah just nods and leaves us alone without further questions. Madi's voice behind me makes me quickly turn back.

"Will this give us any answers?" she questions out loud. "About me, and why I'm... different?"

I put my hand on her hair, stroking it gently. "I don't know, honey. And right now, I honestly don't care. I just want you to get better."

Lexa gets off the table as well, but instead of staying with us she starts pacing around the room. Her mind seems elsewhere.

"Everything okay?" I warily check, suddenly afraid she changed her mind about Madi's condition.

She comes to a stop, but doesn't look up, as she's still distracted by whatever is going on in her head.

"Y-Yeah," she murmurs. "I'm just thinking about the science. Not the pathology part Abby is doing, and who knows who else is, but..."

Her gaze moves to Madi.

"If the answer is with you, if the Flame does have anything to do with you, and the fact that you are the exception, then we're talking science beyond their knowledge. Abby can try all she wants, but she won't be able to crack those codes. Raven might understand some of it, but only if someone helps explaining it to her first. Someone who actually—"

"—designed it," Madi nods, comprehending.

I look from one to the other. "Am I wrong or are we suddenly talking about Becca?"

Lexa starts moving again, stepping closer to me and taking me by my shoulders. "Don't you see? Becca might be the answer to this whole thing!"

"That would be a first," I groan. "Also, she died, remember?"

"I do," Lexa nods, her eyes piercing into mine, and her fingers clenching around my shoulders, "But she didn't just die. She died a Nightblood."

I narrow my eyes. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying she might be out there. I'm saying that if the transfusion works, if either the Flame or the blood really seem to make a difference, then Becca might be the key. And we should try to find her."

... ...