DAY 25: LEXA | ALICIA
I chicken out. Or actually no, that's not it. It isn't fear that withholds me.
It's reluctance.
It's still with me. Still in my blood, and in my veins. The Commander part of me. I feel it. I haven't forgotten any of the skills they taught me, nor the insights that were my own even before the spirit of my predecessor chose me - or so I used to believe. I still know how to fight, or to take charge, or to rule. I'm no longer ignoring that part, as that is—in the end—a part of me.
I just don't want to show it to three hundred people.
Not yet.
Which is why I get up even before sunrise and go to see Indra. Why I tell her to speak for me after I've left for Alexandria. To inform our people about my return, and about the orders I've given them. I will face them, all of them, in a few days, when we come back - hopefully as a member of a strong and protecting coalition.
A few days. It's not a lot. But I'll take it.
"No warpaint today?"
Magna's voice makes me break my stare from the road in front of me. I tilt my head to look at her. The left corner of my mouth slowly lifts into a slight smirk.
"We're not at war, are we?"
"True," she nods, "Though this doesn't really feel like peace either."
She bops her head towards Jesus, who's walking far ahead of us. He's talking with Yumiko, seemingly at ease.
We—Clarke, Madi, Raven and me—met them at the crack of dawn. We took the jeep, the one Echo and Raven used when they came for us at Oceanside. According to the washed-out letters on the side it's called Rover IV. Clarke told me it's a lot like the one she used to drive in her post-praimfaya days. I don't share those memories, but the armored vehicle still brought a smile to my face, as it's kind of a mini version of Al's truck. And boy, would she love this little clunker!
My smile faded when it turned out that the little rust bucket wasn't exactly made for seven people, meaning we were cramped in there and could hardly move for hours and hours. Things got even worse when we got a flat tire. It figured that the spare one was flat as well, which left us with no other choice than to leave Baby SWAT behind and continue on foot. According to Jesus, we were about ten miles away and could make it before the end of the day, as long as we didn't get into any trouble.
This was also the only thing he said to me all morning, and in all honesty: it was addressed to all of us.
"He's here," I point out, though no longer smiling. "That's a start."
"Guess so," she shrugs.
My eyes move back to the road as we keep walking next to each other, a silence falling between us as our minds travel elsewhere.
"So... how are you, now that it's been a couple of weeks?" I ask at last, looking at her again, "Are you finding some peace yet?"
She tilts her head to me, her eyes narrow. "Peace with who?"
"With yourself," I gently smile, "With... with Luna."
A sigh slips off her lips. "I'm working on it."
"And how's that going?"
"I don't know. Step by step? I mean, it's a fact right? It's the truth, and whether I like it or not, it's not gonna change with denying it. In the end it's all a matter of acknowledging it. Accepting it. Can't move on without taking that step, can we?"
I nod understandingly. "Learning to accept something can be a real bitch though."
She snorts. "Tell me about it!"
We share another chuckle, before she goes on, "This might sound weird, though maybe not to you, but this whole thing kinda feels familiar. Like some kind of déjà-vu."
This time I don't follow her. If there's one thing that never happened to either of us before, it's this. This... undeniable awareness of a previous life.
"How?" I frown.
Magna stuffs her hands in her pockets before lightly shrugging her shoulders again. "Ya know, like... coming out - to yourself most of all. Just like that, this is all about facing your truth, and accepting it, and... getting comfortable with it. Right?" She raises her brows.
I offer her a clumsy smile. "Honestly, I wouldn't really know," I say, almost apologetically. "I didn't had to deal with it. Not really, I mean. The first time around, well you know the world we lived in. Sexuality wasn't even a subject, it was pretty much just... whatever for everyone."
"No biggie," she grins in recognition.
"Exactly," I nod, "No one cared. And then, in this do-over..." My voice trails off when for the second time today my thoughts go to Al for a moment. I clear my throat. "Well, okay, yeah, there was some confusion. Or a lot, actually. But mainly because of the unexpectedness of it all. Because of the way those feelings hit me quite out of the blue. But by that time the world was already upside down, and caring about people's orientation seemed to have dropped to the bottom of basically everyone's priority list so... yeah."
Her eyes bear into mine. "Something tells me this isn't about Clarke?"
Recalling the moment Clarke walked back into my life, a sudden giggle escapes me. "No," I shake my head, "With Clarke there was no time for confusion, or any other thought for that matter. One look, one blink of the eye, was enough to remember who she was, and more of: who she was to me. And with all that, who I was, and who I still am today."
With her eyes back on the horizon, she kicks a loose piece of asphalt off the road. "You're lucky," she just mumbles.
A flush of embarrassment creeps up my neck. "Magna, I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to..." I stammer, "You were telling about you, and I completely took over, and—"
"It's okay," she cuts me off, flashing me a small, crooked smile to reassure me that it really is. "I like hearing what you've been up to. What life has been for the you I don't know, the you that must be in there somewhere. You're choosing a different path than me, or Jesus, and you can. You're free to. But..."
"What?"
"Nothing." She shakes her head. "I'm just glad you're not forgetting that you're more than you used to be. You're not just Lexa. Alicia's experiences, her thoughts and feelings, they deserve to exist. Alicia deserves to exist."
Not answering right away, I let her words sink in. "I know," I quietly nod at last.
Our eyes meet again and with a smile wider than before she winks, "Good."
"Seriously though, enough about me," I snigger, before quickly wiping the unfitting grin of my face, "You're saying your journey was more complicated?"
"Afraid so," she moans, "Think all the classic issues. Disapproving parents, lonely struggle, acting out behavior... Not the most original story, really."
"But your story nonetheless," I sigh, before lightly nudging her with my shoulder, "Thank you for sharing it."
She answers me by poking back at me, twice as hard, and almost making me trip over my own feet. When I regain my balance I look at her again.
"Did you work it out? With your parents I mean?"
Without facing me, she shoves her hands even deeper into her pockets. For a second she looks like she's trying to comfort herself, but then she suddenly straightens her back, looking as fierce as ever.
"Not exactly," she answers, "I ended up in jail before we got the chance. Not much later, hell broke loose and... well, here we are. With everyone dead, except for us."
A thousand more questions come to mind, but I feel like overstepping by asking her even one of them. Instead my eyes follow her gaze, that's now resting on Yumiko.
"You didn't just survive, Magna. You made it through. You really found yourself, somewhere along the way. And above that, in some miraculous way, you found Miko, too. In a god-forbidden place like this. That's something!"
She laughs at me.
She laughs like she laughed when we caught a rabbit and sneaked the poor thing into our dorm back in Polis. She laughs like that time when we fooled her brother into believing that all military horses were gonna be replaced by two-headed deer. Or the time we ditched Titus' boring history class to build a raft at the nearby lake, one that sank right in the middle of it - which I still believe was her favorite part of it all. She laughs like she used to laugh when she was my dearest friend. My Luna.
"It is, isn't it?" she smirks, "Though truth be told we did meet shortly before the outbreak."
My forehead wrinkles as I attempt to solve the unspoken riddle. "She... was in jail, too?" I try, drawing another laugh from her.
"Worse," she grins, "She was my lawyer! My fresh-out-of-law-school lawyer. Trying yet not succeeding to get me out. At least not until everyone around us started dying and she showed up in that hellhole to take my hand and pull me out without asking anyone's permission - mainly because there was no one to ask anymore."
Magna tells her story like it's one big joke, but remembering my own experiences all too well, it doesn't take much to imagine how incredibly scary surviving an overrun prison must have been. Especially in those early days of the outbreak, when nobody really knew what was happening, or what to do. By now it's been years though, and the lived horrors of those days can handle the lighter tone.
"She continues to deny it, but I strongly suspect that she created the virus herself just to get me out. You know, since those courthouse idiots wouldn't listen to her," she laughs, and I can't help but chuckle along. Right then Yumiko looks over her shoulder to check on her girlfriend, smiles at her, then turns her eyes back to the road in front of her. The short but intimate moment between them is contagious, making me do the same.
I spin around, meeting Clarke's eyes straight away as I keep stepping backwards without slowing down. Hers light up, and I feel my whole face doing the same. We don't say anything, and not just because we're too far away from each other. We just don't need to.
Turning back I peek at Magna again. "And now you're here," I conclude, "Standing strong, albeit with a whole new reality to deal with." My gaze flickers from her to Yumiko. "Have you told her any of it?"
She heaves another sigh, more heavy than before. "I want to," she quietly answers. She's not laughing anymore. "I really, really do. If I could think of any way how to make her believe all this. But I can't. There's no explanation, except the explanation that I've gone completely bonkers."
I nod without a word. It's the exact same reason why I didn't say anything to Strand, or Al, or any of the others. This is just beyond reason.
"There's not even some half-truth I can come up with," she goes on, "And I can't say nothing either, things are too weird for that already. With meeting you, and following you around not once, but twice now. So I lied. I lied to the one person I shouldn't lie to. Told her you're my second cousin, including that bullshit story we told Strand about your two names. I should be glad that she's buying it, but s—"
"WALKERS!"
Jesus' sudden, alarming voice makes us both jump into action within less than a breath. Scanning my surroundings, I briefly glance over my shoulder, relieved to see that his warning reached Clarke, Madi and Raven too. They're already running towards us, quickly closing the distance in between.
At the same time Jesus and Yumiko move backwards, away from the group of Walkers that keep making their way out of the bushes near the road where they'd just been walking - their weapons already at hand. I grasp at my hip for my barrel, only to remember it's not there anymore, then reach behind my back for my sword.
"Stay back!" I tell the others, and Madi in particular, although she has already drawn her own sword, looking like she's ready to slice some brains. We all turn around, only to catch more movement at that side of the road.
"At least ten more," I inform Jesus, who's now almost with us, "We're outnumbered!"
"What do we do?" Raven's voice is shaking, and I realize this must be her first real encounter with the living dead. I swiftly hand her my second sword.
"We fight," I tell her.
And so we do.
With two loudly gasping and grasping hordes, coming towards us from either side, we have no other choice than to split up.
Magna, Madi and I face the walkers coming from the north. Clarke, Raven and Jesus focus on the ones attacking from the south. Yumiko, in the meantime, shoots her arrows in every direction needed; north, south, and soon also west, as another bunch of walkers start to show up from there, too. The only relatively safe side is on our east... but that's only because there's an abyss.
I lift my sword above my head. It's heavy, way heavier than my gun barrel, but somewhat to my surprise it feels just as familiar. The grip fits my hand as if it's made for it, and when I swing it down, it cuts through the air like I trained for this my whole life - which I guess I did.
I'm not the only one who knows how to handle a sword though. Before I get the chance to strike, Madi suddenly passes me and beheads the first walker in her path. When he goes down, two others appear from behind him. We don't hesitate: as soon as they take another step towards us, their ugly heads hit the concrete; one by my sword, the other by Madi's.
"Damn!" Magna swears out loud, as she kicks a third one down with her boot. She shoots me a quick glance. "Sure she's not yours?"
We keep making our way forward, stabbing even more biters through their skulls, when I hear Jesus shout again, "The head! Aim for the head!"
"You guys okay?" I cry out over my shoulder while pulling back my bloodstained weapon to stab it deep into yet another staggering corpse. When nobody answers, I take the risk to turn around.
The four of them are spread out, a little too far for my liking. They're fighting off anything that comes towards them. Yumiko and Raven are still on the road, but Clarke and Jesus are now both on the small field next to it, taking down every walker that stumbles out of the woods. They seem in control, but the dead ones keep coming and coming.
"Go!" Magna yells. "We take the last ones over here!"
I'm already running.
"Save your bullet, I've got this one," Jesus tells Clarke when I'm almost with them. Avoiding some nasty jaws, he breaks the guy's neck with his bare hands, showing me he still has the skills I once taught him - and then some. There's no time to watch him however. Five more walkers appear.
I step towards them and take two of them down with my sword. Clarke shoots the other three, creating a pile of fallen cadavers. We stand motionless, our gaze fixed on the tree line, until we're sure that no more walkers appear. That's when we finally look at each other.
A death silence has fallen over us.
It's over. We've got them all.
We quickly rejoin the others on the road. Just like us, everyone is covered in blood and other grossness, leaning on either their knees or each other, and trying to catch their breath.
"That... That was..." Panting heavily, Raven stands up straight and looks around her, her eyes gliding over dozens of corpses all around us. "...surreal!"
Yumiko squints her eyes. "You're saying you've nev—"
"Madi, watch out!"
Clarke's chilling shriek makes me spin around, right in time to watch her take a huge leap towards Madi. She pushes her backwards, away from one of the walkers on the ground, one that somehow survived and now tries to grab her feet. Madi tumbles to the middle of the road before he gets a hold on her, but the force of the back pressure makes Clarke struggle with her balance, too. She stumbles, trips over her feet...
... and disappears into the abyss behind her.
"Clarke!" I scream, yet her cry drowns out mine.
I run to the edge and peek over it, relieved to see that it's not too deep and she's all alone down there. But the feeling doesn't last long. The painful grimace on her face tells me something is wrong - very wrong.
Without giving it a second thought I hand my sword to Magna and lower myself down in the abyss. As I carefully slide down—using rocks and roots to keep from falling—the loose dirt sticks to the blood on my hands and clothes. I couldn't care less.
"Clarke," I exhale once again as soon as I'm with her, "What's going on? Did you hurt yourself?"
She whimpers and moves her hands to her knee, yet winces the moment she touches it. "It's my leg," she groans. "I think I broke it."
... ...