DAY 73: LEXA | ALICIA
"Tell me about them. About your..." When my voice falters, I take a deep breath as if to brace myself. "About our parents."
My question seems to take Madi aback and instead of answering me her gaze moves from me to Clarke, who's sitting in between us. As nighttime has fallen we are enveloped in darkness, yet by the glowing light of our small campfire I can see the hesitation in her eyes. And when Clarke breaks off their wordless conversation to face me with that same wavering look, it's clear to me that she shares Madi's doubt.
"Are you sure?" she asks me.
I know what she's thinking. Things are better. I am better. For the past few weeks I have finally been able to let go. The heavy burden of my past, of who I once needed to be. It's gone. And the struggle of who I want to be, it's... well, it's not behind me, but it's also not eating me anymore.
I'm okay. For the first time in forever I'm really starting to believe that. So why risk that by delving into the past again? It's the other way around, though. I am okay, and that's why I know I don't have to worry about falling back. It's why I know I can trust myself on this.
"Yes," I say. "I want to know who they were."
Clarke nods, pursing her lips into a thin line, like she wants to take her question back. Like a silent apology almost. There's no need to. I know she doesn't mean to patronize me, or to be over-protective. She just loves me.
I cast her a smile, then look at Madi again.
"Tell me anything - just anything you remember. Anything that doesn't have to do with me, or the choices they made. Who were they to you? How did they act, what did they like?" Then, realizing what I'm actually asking from her, quickly adding, "Please."
Madi shuffles in her spot, crunching the dry leaves on the ground she's sitting on. For a moment it's the only sound in the air, together with the fire crackling and Strand's soft snoring six feet away from us. He passed out over an hour ago. We've been on the road for about two weeks now and tonight is one of those nights without a decent place to sleep, but with some peace and quiet nonetheless. So far the tin cans we keep hanging around us at night haven't alarmed us once.
"Alright," Madi finally speaks up. A sigh escapes her lungs, small but loud enough for me to hear. I hope it's one of nostalgia. "You already know we lived a hidden life, far away from everything. So Nomon and Nontu, as I naturally called them, they were like... my world. My entire universe. I never saw anyone else, could never compare them with other people - not until I met Clarke. But I knew they were good people. I knew I was lucky to be theirs."
I swallow, not allowing the bitter taste in my mouth.
"How?" I ask her. "How did you know?"
She shrugs.
"I don't know. I mean, they told me how much they cared, of course, and they were always there for me to help me, and to protect me. But people can do all that for many more reasons than love, can't they? But with them, and as little as I was, I just knew it was love. True love. They were my world, my universe, but I was the center of theirs. They would die for me if they had to." The words are out before she knows it, making her fluster. "Sorry," she mumbles, blinking rapidly.
"Don't be." I lean in, across Clarke's lap, to rest my hand on her knee. "I mean it, Madi. Please feel free to tell me anything. I'm not blaming you for any of it. And I wouldn't even know how to blame them for loving you. Not even if I wanted to."
Still biting her lips, Madi slowly nods. She drops her shoulders in relief. I sit back again, and when Clarke asks her what our parents had looked like, I catch the first hint of a smile.
"Nomon looked like you." Madi's eyes find mine again, and when she starts to tell more about our mother, they're even beginning to shine; not by the reflection of the campfire, but by the memories that are coming back to her, or maybe never left. "Not exactly. She was much taller, to start with."
"Well, you were half your size back then," Clarke laughs, helping us all to relax even more.
"Right," Madi giggles, "Forget about her size, maybe she was tiny like you after all."
"Hey!" I exclaim, but she already goes on.
"I'm saying her caliber wasn't in her seize, it was in her entire presence. She had this fierce radiance about her. Like she wouldn't back away for anyone, or anything. I remember I was playing outside once when she jumped between me and an approaching bear, about to sacrifice herself if she had to. That bear knew better than that though. One look at her and he was gone."
"So I inherited my mother's death glare," I grumble, "How charming."
"I guess you did," she grins, fully aware now that I'm not all serious, "but I'd rather say you resemble her in many more ways. Her soft side in particular."
"What soft side?!"
"Oh, here we go again!" Clarke snorts before Madi can even answer.
Smirking widely she cleverly catches the stick I throw at her head and tosses it into the fire, making the flames blaze, while sparks dart around like fireflies.
Not distracted by them, Madi leans towards her and lowers her voice. "Wait, is this a secret? Doesn't she know about her puppy eyes?"
"Full denial," Clarke whispers back at her, yet loud enough so I can hear.
I sigh as dramatically a I can. "I've got more sticks you know. And one of them will hit you in the face!"
Still laughing they both sit up straight again. Madi raises her hands, as if surrendering.
"Okay, okay, no more joking. I'm just saying Nomon had this way of looking at me, or at Nontu, or the world even, that could just... fix you. She didn't had the same eyes as you—I believe hers were even greener—but her gaze came with that same warmth, and that same reassurance as yours. I'm sorry, I don't know how to describe it any better."
"I think you're doing a great job," Clarke tells her, and I have to agree with her.
"You also have her smile," Madi goes on, reassured by Clarke's words. Subconsciously I lift the left corner of my mouth, just slightly, but enough to make Madi point at me. "That one!"
This time I'm the one to shuffle around a bit, my eyes focused on the leaf in my hand I'm absentmindedly playing with. "Did she smile a lot?"
When Madi stays quiet, I look up again. With her eyes narrowed she seems deep in thought, like she's actually trying to step back in time to get the right image. She shakes her head.
"No," she answers truthfully, "But when she did, it was like the sky was breaking open." As she's picturing it, Madi's face lights up in a way that warms my heart.
"How about him - our father? What did he look like?"
A new memory, or at least I assume, makes her chuckle. "He was big - for real!" she recalls out loud, quickly glancing at Clarke before she corrects her again. "Big and strong. And he had this fuzzy beard that tickled when he kissed me goodnight."
"So she looked like him as well!" Clarke snickers, nudging Madi's shoulder, who instantly cracks up at her joke. It takes a lot of me not to laugh along.
"The two of you make me want to drink," I playfully whine instead.
Clarke picks up the half-empty bottle of wine we found earlier today and that's now lying next to her. Spinning it around she winks at me. "You're in luck, there's some left."
As she refills my cup, Madi raises hers as well, pulling her most innocent face. Clarke gives her a once-over, then sighs. "Alright, three sips, and just tonight!" she yields.
I guess puppy eyes run in our family.
After her first sip, one that makes her cough since she's not used to the burning sensation, Madi looks at me again.
"You and Nontu did have one thing in common though." She drops a pause for dramatic effect, before continuing, "Just like you he couldn't shoot a straight arrow."
Clarke's snort results into a wine-in-nose situation, which gives me the chance to beat her to it.
"I can shoot!" I cry out, risking waking up Strand or worse: inviting some unwelcome guests.
"I just can't hit," Clarke and Madi both titter in unison.
"Okay, first of all, I don't sound like that," I snarl defensively, "And second... that's four strikes. You two are out!" It's one of those moments I'm glad they don't know squat about baseball, meaning they can't correct me in any way.
Without getting up Clarke moves closer towards me, yet I duck away when she tries to pull me in. She looks over her shoulder at Madi.
"You think we took it too far?"
Madi shrugs once more. "I didn't. I'm her sister. If I learned one thing from her stories about Nick, it's that when it comes to sisters, there is no too far. You on the other hand...?"
Clarke turns to me, checks me out with a frown, then faces Madi again. "Maybe you should just distract her with more stories. You were saying your father couldn't shoot?"
"You know what," Madi chuckles, "let's give him some slack and just say he couldn't hit. Like some others. But yeah, Nomon was clearly the hunter of the two of them."
"So what did he do?" I ask, too eager to know more to keep my act up any longer. "How was he like?"
"Nontu? Oh, he could build anything!" Madi answers without giving it any thought. I can hear the admiration in her voice. "Like I said, he was strong. With that and his insights, he'd built us a great place to live. He really was a great craftsman. Name it and he could make it. Furniture, tools, and not to mention quite some toys for me to play with."
An honest grin sneaks on my face. "Ah, now we're getting to that lucky part."
Scattering the ashes with a thin branch, Madi stirs up the fire again.
"I really had nothing to complain," she admits. "As I told you before, they wanted me to learn many survival skills, but there was plenty of time left for playing, and plenty of toys to play with. Except—"
Suddenly lost in thoughts, she falls quiet.
"Except?" Clarke and I both ask.
"Now that I'm telling you this, I'm recalling something. There was this small, wooden box. I'm pretty sure Nontu had made it himself, maybe even before I was born. It contained some toys. Not many - three or four pieces maybe. You would think they were there for me, but for some reason I was never allowed to play with them. I never got why."
As Madi keeps poking into the fire, my eyes find Clarke's. For a second we share this look of understanding. Then Madi draws our attention again by continuing, unaware of what just happened.
"Nontu was also an amazing storyteller. He was always writing tales. Not on paper, but in his head. He shared them with us as he made them up on the spot. Sadly I forgot most of them. Except for my favorite, one that knew many chapters. Strik Skai Gona, it was called."
"Little Sky Warrior," I murmur. Was he aware of the people in space?
As Madi starts to tell more about it, I have to go with no.
"It was about this young, brave warrior girl who grew up in a tower as high as the clouds. I was very convinced that it was about Nomon, but she has always denied it." While she tries to suppress a yawn, she suddenly looks straight at me. "Wait, you think..."
"I think you need to get some sleep," Clarke comes in between. "You seem beaten. And we have a very long day ahead. If we leave early and are lucky enough to find some wheels again, we might actually make it half way."
The fact that Madi doesn't fight her on this, shows once again how well Clarke knows her. While she crawls into her sleeping bag, her eyes are already drooping.
"Madi?" I call for her, right when she's about to roll to her other side. She looks at me, blinking to keep her eyes open for a few more seconds. "Thank you," I smile, "for introducing them to me."
"To us." Clarke reaches out again and this time I'm happy to let her pull me close.
"To us," I nod while I lay my head down on her lap. Madi is not the only one who could really use a nap. It's a good thing Clarke is the first one to keep watch. And the only adult who had just three sips of wine - one of them ending up in her nose.
Madi, drifting off with a smile, doesn't even reply anymore.
I don't want to fall asleep though. Not just yet. As Clarke gently runs her fingers through my hair, I look up at her. She's got the softest expression on her face. Maybe they're right. There's really nothing wrong with being a little soft sometimes.
"I'm sorry for teasing you so much," she quietly says as she smiles down on me.
My lips curl up. "Oh please, don't be. I'm glad we're passed tiptoeing around each other."
"That makes two of us," she nods, her smile widening for a moment. "So how are you doing, my little sky warrior?"
"I'm good," I answer without any hesitation. "I really am."
Leaning down, she presses a kiss to my forehead, then whispers without moving away, "They never forgot you."
Right as she's about to sit up again, I stop her by reaching for the back of her head. Keeping her close like this, I direct her lips towards mine. Sometimes a kiss can say more than a thousand words. I hope this one does. I hope she gets how much I treasure her. For all she does, and for all she is.
When we break apart I roll onto my side, snuggling closer with my cheek against her thighs. Clarke keeps playing with my hair.
"I need to confess something," I speak up after a short moment.
"You do?"
Her fingers don't stop fidgeting and there's not a single sign of distrust in her voice. Just curiosity, and maybe a tad of amusement. We really are past a lot.
"About what Madi described as being her parents' universe, the center of their universe even. I've heard people say things like that before, but between you and me, I always believed that was real crap. Nothing more than just a saying. Cause if that really would be something, I would have been my parents', right? Steven and Madison's? Yet though I do believe they truly loved me, I can tell you for sure that I wasn't their everything. I wasn't their center."
For a split second, Clarke's hand stops moving. "What makes you think that?"
"Because there was no room for me there. My dad, he was always so troubled, so... absent. At that age I didn't understand, but now I know. I know his entire universe was darkened by his depression. He was still part of our world, but we were mainly shadows in his. And my mom, well I bet she'd rather die than admit it, if she still can, but she'd built her entire life around Nick. Around saving him - over and over again."
"Lex," Clarke whispers, but I'm not finished yet.
"No, it's okay," I go on, my eyes still fixed on the flames in front of me, "I'm not telling you this to feel bad about. I don't. They struggled, I can see that now. And I understand. I'm just saying that it's that reality that always kept me this cynical, to say the least, about any of that center of the universe baloney. The simple fact that life is just too complicated to have it revolved around a certain person. To want it to revolve around..."
My voice drifts off. This time Clarke stays quiet.
I look up again.
"I was wrong."
"About your parents?" she frowns.
"About it just being a saying. And being crap," I answer her. Our eyes lock and I can feel my heart swell. "You are it, Clarke. You are my universe. My entire universe, and the center of it."
Beautifully lit by fire and moonlight, her smile returns, warm and sincere. There's not a bad thing in the way she looks at me, and yet I suddenly feel like an idiot.
"You're going to call me soft again, aren't you?" I mumble, fighting the urge to look away from her.
A chuckle falls from her lips.
"Right now? Nah..." she grins. "Tomorrow, maybe. Right now I just want to call you brave. Loving someone is easy, but letting them in, and building your life around them, that's only for the most courageous."
Her hand cups my jaw, her thumb stroking over my cheek as she slowly lowers herself to kiss me again - soft and sweet. Then, with her lips still close to mine, she breathes, "And also, same."
... ...