DAY 80: LEXA | ALICIA

With my eyes glued to the blood on Clarke's fingers, the world around me suddenly seems to have faded away. Has nightblood always seemed this thick, this black? Or is it because for the first time ever I'm looking at it through my mother's eyes?

"Alicia, step away from her."

Blinking as if to break a spell, I draw away my gaze from the blood and look at Mom.

"What?"

"Step away. Now!" she tells me again, this time with even more urge.

Mom's voice is as sharp as the knife she's pulling. When she points it at Clarke, I can feel panic starting to raise all through my body.

"Mom, what... what are you doing?"

"Can't you see?" she cries out. "She's infected!"

Before her words are out, she's already reaching for me with her free hand, trying to grab me, to pull me towards her. Yet all she finds is thin air as I quickly step aside.

"Alicia!"

"Mom, it's okay. She's okay!"

Shaking her head in disbelief, she points at Clarke again. "No! No, she's... Look at her! Alicia, please. Please!"

Desperation colors her voice. It scares me, since fear might just be the worst possible counselor right now, but most of all it breaks my heart.

I step closer towards her, warily, and take her trembling hand in mine. When I slowly lead it away from Clarke, I watch how the other one clings to the handle of the knife - her knuckles white from squeezing.

"Clarke is fine," I try to reassure her again. "Trust me. She won't hurt any of us. She—"

"She's infected," Mom keeps insisting. "She knows she is and yet she didn't tell anyone. She's willingly bringing us all in danger." She turns to me, though making sure to keep Clarke within her eyesight. "She's bringing..." She swallows when her voice falters. "She's bringing you in danger."

"I'm not," Clarke quietly speaks up. I can tell she's trying to sound as calm as possible. "Madison, I'm not infected. I swear. And I would never ever put—"

"Shut up!" Mom's sudden outburst makes us all jump. She doesn't seem to notice, or care. "Just... shut up. I don't know what your deal is, and I'm sorry you got bitten, but I can't have you here. Not with Jaime. And definitely not with my daughter."

Not giving it a second thought I step between the two of them before things get out of hand. I can see the terror in Mom's eyes, which I hate since there's absolute no reason for it, but right now my biggest concern is with Clarke. She may not be fully aware of it, but if she hesitates too long—or worse, unintentionally provokes her—Mom could actually strike. Yet I can't have her to obey either.

I can't let her go.

"Alright," Clarke answers from behind me. "If that's what you need, I will go. Madi and I can stay in Coalport for the night."

"No!" I exclaim, louder than intended. "Mom, you have to listen to me. Clarke did not got bitten. She got protected. The blackness of her blood is a result of a vaccine that actually prevents her from turning."

Mom narrows her eyes, which are now turned alternately on me and Clarke. Despite me blocking the way, she's still holding up the knife in a very alarming way.

"She told you that?"

I shake my head. "She didn't had to. I was there."

Cautiously lifting my hand I reach out again, though this time for the knife. I know she won't let go of it, so instead of trying to take it from her, I lightly run the tip of my finger against the sharp edge. When I pull back black drops of blood appear. "See?"

Holding my hand in hers Mom takes a closer look, though carefully making sure not to actually touch any of the black liquid.

"I-I don't understand," she mumbles.

"It's difficult to explain," I admit. "I want to, I do. But it's a lot. And it's been such a long day. Can't you just... can't you trust me on this?"

This time she's the one shaking her head, sighing, "You're asking too much of me."

I softly exhale, and I can feel my shoulders drop in sorrow.

"I know. But I'm doing so anyway. You told me just an hour ago that you trust my judgement. This is how you show me that you do. I know that's a lot, but it's what I need right now. I promise I'll tell you everything. Soon. Just... not now."

Mom doesn't answer me. Instead her gaze moves back to Clarke, and then up, to Madi - who's still sitting on the upper bed. She might just look like an innocent and harmless kid to Mom, but I know she's in warrior mode, ready to jump Mom's back as soon as she feels like either of us needs her protection.

"You too?" Mom asks her.

Madi just nods.

"How about Victor?"

"He didn't get the vaccine," Clarke answers before I can, sounding controlled as ever. "He knows about it though."

Heaving another long sigh, Mom focuses on me again. The intense way she studies me with unsettles me. Her sudden quietness doesn't help.

"Mom?"

She tilts her head, drawing a deep line between her brows as she frowns at me. "Are you still you?"

Her question hits me like cold wind on a summer day.

"W-What do you mean?"

Finally lowering the knife, she raises her other hand, running her fingers through her hair. "I don't know. I'm just..." She takes a deep breath, steadying herself. "I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed."

"That makes two of us," I murmur.

"I know it's been years, and there's a lot to learn about each other, about all we've been through, but this—" She briefly points the knife at each of us, before drawing an invisible circle in the air, "This might be something I can never wrap my head around. And to trust something I don't understand..."

She doesn't finish her sentence, and when no one else speaks up it's Clarke who breaks the heavy silence.

"I know how you're feeling. I once stood where you are now. Sometimes I feel I still do." Taking the smallest step forward, she reaches for my hand, entwining our fingers, before moving on. "You don't know us. But you know Alicia. You do. And you know she's worth your trust."

Without turning my head I know Clarke and Mom are eye to eye now, almost as if playing a blinking game. Finally, after what feels like forever, Mom shortly nods at her. She then turns back to me.

"You swear you're not infected?"

My "I do!" comes out as a sigh of relief.

"And you will tell me everything?"

"I will, I promise," I nod, even though I'm less sure about the everything part.

"Alright, then you can stay," Mom says, before casting a last glance at Clarke and Madi. "All of you."

Showing Mom an almost polite smile, Clarke swiftly thanks her.

"Don't thank me yet," Mom shortly replies, "We will talk tomorrow. Be sure of that."

And with that she turns around and leaves the cabin. As soon as the door closes behind her, I catch the hollow sound of a click. She locked the door.

My own mother doesn't trust me. And why should she?

"Hey," Clarke quietly speaks up. "You okay?"

I deeply inhale, then look at her.

"Yeah," I nod, closing our distance in the sudden need to hold her tight. "We're all still here. We're still together." With her arms strongly wrapped around me, I stretch out mine, searching for Madi's hand. When I find it, I give it a squeeze. "That's all that matters."

"Any idea what you're gonna tell her?" Clarke asks. She lets go of me, which I hate, but when she leads me towards our small bed I've never felt more grateful.

"No idea," I answer truthfully as I crawl underneath the sheet. "But I've got all night to think about it."

I don't though. Today has simply been too long - too exhausting.

Too much.

As soon as I find myself in Clarke's arms, my head resting on her chest, my eyes drop with tiredness and refuse to open again.

Am I still me? I honestly don't know. I know I have become part of us though. And there's nothing or no one in this world who can make me give up on that.

And with that one thought in mind I drift off into a deep, dreamless sleep.

... ...