DAY 96: LUNA | MAGNA

He was ten years old. A rather short boy, still waiting for his growth spurt. Not really muscled yet either. His skin was lighter than any of the other Nightbloods, almost pale. Unlike most of us he actually enjoyed the classroom. He had messy, bronze brown hair—the impossible kind, just like mine—and thick, full brows. Though often quiet, he was always easy to read as his clear hazel-brown eyes spoke for him. He was ten years old when I last saw him.

He was ten years old when he died.

This boy in front of me is about to be a man. He's tall, almost as tall as I am. I'm honestly not sure if I'd win a fist fight against him. He's got a strong jaw, and when he talks I catch a glimpse of his Adam's apple moving in his throat. His voice is quite deep, though it cracks a few times, telling me he's really only halfway there.

His tanned complexion shows an outdoor lifestyle - not necessarily by choice, but forced by the world we live in. Years of sun made his freckles stand out. He looks healthy, except for his white, empty eyes.

This boy and my baby brother, they don't look anything alike.

Except that they do. Despite all the differences, they do.

When I finally manage to find my voice, it sounds like somebody else's.

"Phoenix?"

His smile grows, showing a single dimple at the corner of his mouth. "Heya, sis."

"I can't believe it," I breathe, still frozen to the ground.

"That makes two of us," he titters. If this is really him, and he found out just now, then he's handling this revelation a whole lot better than I did!

I clear my throat. "You're really him?"

He tilts his head, an amused grin lingering on his lips. "You're really her?"

A deep sigh escapes me. For the first time I don't think I mind the truth. In fact, I think I'm about to embrace it. I nod, then realize he can't see that. "Yes," I say with conviction, "I really am."

He exhales, almost ecstatically.

"Luna..."

He says my name like he's tasting it.

His calmness confuses me. Shouldn't he be more upset? Or baffled? Yet right when I'm about to ask him, he goes on already.

"Have you always known?"

"No," I answer him, "I just found out a few months back, when Clarke and—"

Clarke. As soon as I say her name I remember she's actually here. I turn towards her.

"You did find him."

She shakes her head, her face still perplexed. "I had no idea."

"How about Lexa?" I go on, "She didn't recognize him?"

"You didn't recognize him," Clarke points out. "Why should she?"

"Lexa..." Phoenix draws out her name, like he'd just done with mine. "Yes... Yes! She's been with us, hasn't she? She goes by Alicia now, but once she was..." He falls quiet mid-sentence, brusquely grabbing me by the arm, making sure he's got my attention. "You two were next. At the conclave, after our duel, she was the next one you had to fight. One of you died then, one of you killed the other. And now you're both here again. Is that why we came here? Is she searching revenge?"

Clarke steps closer to him. Her approach is cautious, yet when she gently rests her hand on his shoulder, he jerks his head towards her as soon as she touches him.

He's frightened. Frightened, and alarmed.

Where he first seemed unaffected—heck: almost entertained—by the prompt awareness of his former life, he now seems to realize it doesn't come without any danger. At least not for me.

Noting his sudden tension, Clarke quickly pulls her hand away. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she tells him, "I didn't want to spook you. Anything but! You just... you don't have to worry - about Lexa, I mean. She means you no harm. Neither of you."

"She's not just our friend," Madi nods from a short distance, "She's yours, too. You can trust her."

"They are right, Phi," I say, making him turn back to me. "Lexa never became my enemy. We didn't fight."

He frowns, not following. "Like us?"

As I shake my head again, it gets through to me that that's a habit I need to kick. "No, not like us."

"Wait," Clarke speaks up, "Didn't you face each other? I thought you..." She coughs, seemingly hesitant whether and how to continue. "I thought you killed your brother?"

I glance at Phoenix, which he somehow must sense, as he nods at me and says, "It's okay. You can tell them."

"No. I promised you I wouldn't. I promised I would never."

"And I can tell you haven't," he smiles softly, "But I only made you promise that to keep you safe. We're passed that now. I reckon in this world nobody cares."

I take a deep breath, swallow, then turn to Clarke and Madi again. "I didn't kill Phoenix," I confess, "He killed himself."

Clarke's mouth falls open in surprise. "H-He... But how?!"

"He poisoned himself. Atropa Belladonna."

"Deadly Nightshade," she mumbles.

I nod. "Yep. Took a handful of berries."

"Mostly roots, actually," Phoenix corrects me, while I already continue.

"Of course he forgot to tell me about it..."

"You would have stopped me," he shrugs.

"Of course I would!" I exclaim, "You were ten years old. Ten! It was my job to protect you, not to watch you die."

He reaches his hand out to me, finding mine without much difficulty. "We both know I would have died anyway. I just hope it worked. Please tell me it wasn't for nothing. Tell me you got away with it."

When I stay quiet, Madi steps forward - closing our little circle.

"Magna," she quietly asks, "What happened that day?"

As I slowly allow the memory back in, the one I suppressed for so many years, I swallow again. And then I start to tell. For the first time in my life, I share the truth.

"We met in the middle of the arena. When I watched Phoenix walk towards me, I noticed his tread being a bit wavering. It didn't really alarm me, as I figured he was just anxious. But when we actually stood opposed each other, when I could look him in the eyes, I knew something was wrong. Not just because his pupils were clearly dilated, but because there was this... this calm in them. It's okay, Bella Donna, he quietly told me, I already did it. I already killed myself. I just haven't died yet. Of course I had no clue what he was talking about. Don't forget I was only thirteen myself. Three seconds later we were told to get ready. He barely could though, he could hardly lift his sword. My body is giving up, he told me right when the bell rang. Just punch me down. Punch me, overpower me, and when you catch me taking my last breath... I told him no, but he kept insisting. They can never know, he whispered to me, If they know we broke the rules... He couldn't finish, and when his knees buckled I knew I had no choice. I pushed him over. No one seemed surprised it went that easy. After all, he was just a little kid. I knelt down, hovered over him to block their view and... and watched how the last air left his lungs. And then I did what he'd ask me to, what he expected from me. I promised him not to tell... and pierced his heart."

As I finish our story his hand is still holding mine, squeezing real hard. Or is that me?

"I'm sorry," I tell him, wiping my tears away with my other hand. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."

"But you didn't," he says.

And then he steps in and embraces me - finally and as tight as possible. And in that moment it doesn't matter that he's become this tall. In that moment he's that little kid again who still needs a lot of growing up to do. My little brother, who saved me.

When we let go of each other, I step away a few inches and look into his eyes. I hate that they don't look back at me.

"Your eyes," I sigh, fighting another lump, "It was the poison, wasn't it? I know how Nightshade can hurt the eyes, how it causes blindness sometimes. If you hadn't—"

"No, no," Phoenix stops me. His hand reaches for me again, but this time it's not mine he's looking for. I hand him his dark glasses. Putting them back on, he continues, "I used to have perfect vision. Until this accident, when I was three years old. A big blow to my head literally beat the light out of me. It's okay though. I'm okay." He pulls up his sleeve to show his biceps, smiling broadly at me with this goofy, proud grin. "I'm strong now."

I can't help but laugh. "You sure are," I chuckle. "I bet we can really use you here. You're staying, won't you?"

"Um, about that," Clarke cuts in, sharply reminding me of her presence, "I know I have no say here, but things are not that simple."

I look at her, but her eyes are not on me. She's watching the gate - nervously, as it seems.

"You're right, this isn't any of your business," I agree, forcing myself not to snap at her. Shouldn't she be one of the few who understands?

"It's just... we didn't just find your brother, as it turned out. We also found Alicia's mother. They can walk through those gates any second now. And she doesn't know. She can't know any of this."

I blink. Is she for real?

"You're saying I have to pretend I don't know my own brother? I have to step away from you all... just like that?!"

"N-No," she stammers. "Or... yeah, maybe? Just for now? Till we have a plan to figure this out?"

A loud snort of indignation escapes me. "You're out of your mind!"

"Clarke..." Tapping Clarke's arm, Madi draws her attention away from me and points at the gate. "They're here."

Following their gazes I look over my shoulder, right when Lexa walks into Hilltop, together with this girl I know is part of her group and an unknown woman who I assume must be her mother. Or well, Alicia's mother.

"Please," Clarke pleads again, "I know we've already asked so much of you. But we really need you with this, the both of you."

I shake my head. "You haven't changed at all, have you? Always asking for more. Always taking things one step too far."

"I'm not asking for me, I'm asking for—"

"Lexa," I sigh. "I know. Clarke and her people. You seriously never grow tired of that?"

She doesn't bite. Instead she just persistently goes on, with her eyes already back on the approaching group, "It's not just my people. How about Yumiko? Don't you need some time to talk to her?"

"You let me worry about Miko, okay!" I snarl, really on the verge of losing my patience by now.

Her eyes flash to me, just briefly. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to overstep."

"Of course not. You never do. Mean to, that is..."

I peek behind me again. They are about five seconds away from us. Ten at most.

After another deep breath, I turn to my new found brother.

"What do you think, Phi?"

He doesn't get the chance to answer however, as Lexa is already joining us - the other two following in her footsteps.

"Hey," she says, her eyes swiftly going from one to another, "What's going on here?"

... ...