DAY 98: LEXA | ALICIA

I warily open the creaky door and step inside the cabin, leaving Echo behind outside. Despite the dimness, I immediately see her lying on the old mattress, curled up in a ball with her face to the wall. Madi is sitting at the table, not far away from her. She jumps up as soon as she sees me.

"Lexa!"

We hug each other, just briefly, as the restlessness in my body is too intense to linger any longer. My mind is already elsewhere and I quickly want to follow.

"How is she? Did she sleep... or eat?"

Madi just shakes her head. The concern in her eyes is reflecting my own.

Swallowing hard, we share a look of deep sadness, before I turn to Clarke and kneel down next to her.

She hasn't responded to my presence yet and for a moment I think—I hope—that maybe she fell asleep after all. Yet the moment I lay my hand on her upper arm, she raises her head to gaze over her shoulder - drowsy, as if being pulled out of a dazing trance. The kind that only comes with heavy grief.

"Hi," I say softly when our eyes meet. My voice is failing me and has to come from far away.

Clarke's lip starts to tremble. "My mother is dead," she says in response, while turning further towards me. I wrap my arms around her, catch her in a tight embrace.

"I heard," I whisper, "Echo told me everything."

Another choked sob escapes her and when I feel her warm tears against the skin of my neck, I can no longer hold back my own. Together we cry, without letting go of each other for even a second, and until our tears run out - at least for now. That's when I pull away, just enough to properly see her face. I gently stroke it. I've never seen her this broken.

"What can I do?" I quietly ask her.

She looks at me intently, keeps her eyes locked on mine as if she can see something in there to hold on to. Some sort of lifebuoy that saves her from drowning.

"Stay with me," she answers, "Never leave me. Never... never die on me again. Not you, too."

Shifting around on my heels, I sink down next to her, then take her into my arms again. As soon as I do, she presses her head against my chest, crawling close to my body. I lean in to kiss her crown. "Hey, I'm here, I've got you. I'll never let you go," I breathe into her hair, knowing—and hating—that I can't promise her anything more. "You're not alone."

"Then why does it feel like that?" she asks, fighting another flow of tears. "Why do I feel more alone now then when I actually was, back then?"

I squeeze her even tighter against me. "Maybe because then, in a way, she was still with you? She still existed... somewhere in your world."

"I was still on her mind," Clarke mumbles. It's the same conclusion we drew some weeks ago. The value of being someone's child, simply by living in their thoughts. Only this time it's about her mother.

"Exactly," I nod, "Wherever you went, with or without her, you could be certain of that. But now, all of a sudden, that thinking-of-each-other became a one way street. And there's nothing more lonely than a one way street."

The room falls silent. I exchange another look with Madi, who has returned to her seat and is watching us from the short distance. She looks tired, almost as tired as Clarke, and I'm pretty sure she hasn't slept a wink either. That she stayed up with Clarke all night, watching over her, because that's who she is.

"Do you think..." Clarke speaks up quietly, drawing my attention back to her. "Do you think there's a chance she does still exist?" She doesn't look up, can't read the confusion in my eyes, but clarifies herself anyway - sort of. "Because of the nightblood...?"

Her question surprises me.

"You're thinking about the void?" I frown.

She shrugs in my arms, then sniffs, "I know it's stupid, but... yeah."

"I don't know," I answer truthfully, "Maybe."

With the shared experience of Luna, Phoenix, Aden and myself, this next-life fate of the original Nightbloods is starting to seem like a fact, but so far we have no evidence, not even a clue, what happens to anyone who only got a transfusion. Even if we did though, even if this could mean Abby's life wouldn't be all over, I know her life with Clarke would be. I know that Clarke can't be on her mind, just like she wasn't on mine, and that the long passing of time that will follow wouldn't allow them to ever meet again. I might not be religious, but when it comes to it, I truly believe there's a bigger chance for a reunion between them in afterlife than there could be here on earth.

But of course I don't tell her any of this. Instead, I kiss her forehead and gently make her lay down until her cheek rests on my thigh. "Why don't you try to get some sleep?"

This time her eyes do search for mine. "You stay with me?" she asks me again.

"Always," I smile, though wearily.

She nods slowly, then finally gives in to her exhaustion, closing her eyes with a long and shaky exhale. It takes her less than a minute to drift off.

As I start stroking Clarke's hair, my eyes search for Madi again. She just stoked the fire by adding more wood to the flames and is now turning back towards us. I silently beckon her with a nod, offering her the spot on my other side.

Without hesitation, Madi walks over and drops down next to me, her back against the fragile wall behind her. It doesn't take long before her head slides onto my shoulder and her breathing starts following the deep, slow rhythm of Clarke's.

... ...

I don't know how long we've been sitting like this, huddled together like a nest of kittens, when the door opens again. As Mom lets herself in, I can see that the sun behind her is on its way down.

"So it is you?" she bluntly asks.

I blink, and not just because of the sudden light falling in. "W-What do you mean?"

"This girl Clarke asked for, the one they had to go find for her."

"Of course it's me," I answer somewhat bewildered, "You know we're—"

"Then what's with the name?" Mom goes on already, "Lexa, was it? Or Heda?! I'm sorry, I got so much new information in like the blink of an eye, I might have mixed some things up."

She seems annoyed, which annoys me, because her timing could not be more horrible and inappropriate. But I also feel guilty. I know there's more behind her mood, and her questions. She's unsure, maybe even scared. She knows something is going on and whatever it is, she can't have that. There's no place in this world for blind trust. One doesn't survive by blind trust.

So I count to ten, then answer, "It's just an alias," and then, before I can fully stop myself, "And a ti—"

"What's that?"

"Nothing."

Mom takes a deep breath, which doesn't help her one bit; her rising impatience shines through anyway. "Alicia, enough already! I literally have a dozen questions and you manage to double them every time. How about telling me the truth for once?!"

Feeling my own anger growing, I give her a stern look. "Can you keep it down?" I gesture at Clarke and Madi, who both don't need much commotion to wake up. "They've been through enough."

"Then let's talk outside," Mom states, already about to turn around.

"No," I say, surprising myself by my own steadiness, "I'm not leaving them."

Mom narrows her eyes. "They are asleep."

"That doesn't matter," I shrug, and then again, "I'm not leaving them."

For a second I feel like she's going to make me choose, but gladfully she's smart enough not to. "Fine," she grumbles instead, before taking a seat at the table, "Consider this my listening chair. Now tell me everything."

"Mom!"

"Yes," she quickly replies, "Let's start with that. Am I? Am I your mother?"

"What the..." I shuffle in my seat, restless yet cautious, while struggling hard with the task I just gave her: to keep my voice down. "What kind of question is that?!"

Mom leans forward, elbows on the table, a now deadpan look on her face.

"The resemblance is remarkable, I give you that," she starts with a hint of admiration, "But the thing is, I would recognize my own child with my eyes closed in a crowd of thousands. Always! Time passing by or some different name can't change that."

"I told you, it's just a pseudonym," I sigh, but this time she ignores me, clearly not being done.

"I want to believe it's you. I do, most of the time. Honestly, how could I not? But then there is that little voice, every now and then, telling me not to. Telling me something's off. Because of these moments, flashes really, when you're nothing like my Alicia. When you feel like a complete stranger to me."

Not liking where this is going, I open my mouth, but no words come out. Mom already goes on, her voice getting sharper with each sentence.

"And I haven't even started about that constant secrecy surrounding you. The looks, the lies..." She gets up again, only to crouch down right in front of me, staring me straight in the eye. "So explain that to me. Or better yet, convince me... convince me that you're not some fraud. That you're not some—"

"Stop it!" I cut her off, calm as ice, though with my eyes spitting fire, "Stop defying me, or I'll have to ask them to escort you out."

The moment the words are out, I bite my tongue, realizing she got me exactly where she wanted me. To lose it in front of her, and use that evidence to confront me with the elusive feeling she's apparently been struggling with since our reunion.

The proof of that other half of me.

"See!" she jumps up, pointing her finger at me, "This! This isn't you, Alicia - or whoever you really are!"

"But it is!" I throw back at her, way louder than intended. In reaction, Clarke stirs in my lap, while Madi even sits up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. I let her be and manage to get up without actually waking Clarke, so I'm face to face with Mom again. "Look at me!" Taking her by the shoulders, I force her to do so. "I'm all me. A bit of a new me, maybe, but me."

Mom sighs deeply, shaking her head. When she answers me, the hardness in her voice is gone. Instead she sounds defeated, almost desperate.

"Then what are you hiding for me?"

I avert my eyes, swallow, then mumble, "I can't tell you."

Letting go of her, I turn around, facing the door. For a slight second I consider the easy way out—taking a run for it—but I know there's no way I could leave Clarke behind. I also know running never got me anywhere.

"Why not?" Mom quietly asks from right behind me. I feel the light touch of her hand on my shoulder, before she goes on, "What are you so afraid of?"

With a sharp inhale, I tilt my head to the ceiling. Of course no answer is written on there.

"I'm afraid that you wouldn't believe me... and I'm afraid that you would," I yield at last. "If I would tell you everything, and you would understand the meaning of it all, it wouldn't make me someone else. It would change you."

Slowly, I turn back to her.

"If I tell you, there's no going back. No undoing, no unknowing. You and I, what we are to each other, will never be the same."

... ...

NOTE: This a fully edited and updated version of this fic, which can also be found on ao3 under the same name. Please be aware that any change, edit or even possible update from now on will be made on that edition only. (Nov. 2023)