"Jaune!" Blake cried desperately from behind him as he left the dining room and entered the hallway, being greeted by the sight of an awkward Auntie Summer, practically vibrating Ruby and as usual tired-looking Uncle Tai standing in the door.

"Jaune!" Ruby exclaimed, surging forward from the doorway without warning and slamming into him with all the force of a submarine torpedo sinking a cargo ship during the Great War. "It's been so long since I last saw you! Did you miss me? Did you?"

"Yup." Jaune wheezed, the air knocked out of him by the initial force of the Ruby torpedo and made worse by the tightness of her hug squeezing the air out of his lungs like a gangster squeezing out every possible penny of protection money from some poor shopkeeper. "I've missed you so much since the last time I saw you two months ago. Can I breathe now?"

"Nope." Ruby replied, grinning at him cheekily. "You have to say it first."

"R-Ruby please-"

"Nope."

"Merc-"

"Nope."

"You're the bestest cousin in the world." Jaune managed to sigh, patting her head in the process. "And I love you since before now until forever. Can I breathe now?"

"Yup." Ruby grinned, relinquishing her hold on him. Her eyes fell suddenly, reminding him of Summer when she looked or felt guilty. "You…uh…know huh?"

"Yeah." Jaune replied, feeling bad and ruffling her head. "I'm not mad, you know?"

"Iwantedtotellyou!" Ruby blurted out, hugging him again. "Mom and your parents wouldn't let me though!"

"I know." Jaune said, patting her head again. He didn't know if it was a Ruby thing or a Werewolf thing, but she loved a head pat. "You're still the bestest cousin in the world and I love you since before now and forever, Okay?"

"M'kay." Ruby replied, stepping back again and freezing. Jaune turned to see Blake behind him, tentacles swaying idly. It might have been a trick of his imagination, but he could've sworn there were more of them than usual, and that they were bigger somehow too. "Who's this?"

"Ruby, meet Blake." Jaune introduced, turning to the side so they could shake hands. "She's my new housemate and a good friend of mine. Blake, this is my cousin Ruby."

"Hey!"

"My bestest cousin and bestest friend Ruby." Jaune corrected, and the two of them shook hands. The happy look on Blake's face at his introduction seemed to sink, and Jaune had the weird but distinct feeling they were sizing one another up. He shrugged, the reminder of introductions making him remember the Auntie and Uncle who were watching from the place his door should be.

"Hi Summer, Hi Tai." Jaune nodded, stepping towards them and leaving Blake and Ruby to get to know each other. "I hope chicken and salad is alright."

"That's more than alright." Summer smiled, looking nervous. It made Jaune loathe himself that he was the reason why, but he was tired of secrets. "Can we come in?"

"Of course." Jaune said, stepping aside so they could come in. Tai seemed fixated on the empty doorway lacking its key feature, and gave Jaune a look that bordered on curiosity. "Schnee."

"That'll do it." Tai snorted, and Jaune was almost surprised to hear the normally stoic, quiet man speak. "I see you have a door. I'll set up for you."

"You don't have to-"

"I'm doing it." Tai said simply, before stepping onwards towards the dining room. Jaune shook his head, honestly surprised Tai had spoken without being poked and prodded and coaxed into it.

"Did Dad speak to you of his own accord?" Ruby asked curiously, eyes wide as her head moved back and forth from Jaune to the dining room.

"I think so." Jaune replied, shrugging as well. Blake looked at the two of them with confusion. "Uncle Tai is pretty much a mute."

"But not deaf." Tai called from the dining room, making the three of them flush as they hurried inside, seeing Tai sat down and Summer rolling her eyes as she took a seat next to him.

"The cheek of kids these days." Summer teased, nudging Tai with her elbow. "Remember when they'd sleep all the time and looked adorable."

"Always." Tai replied, a rare smile only Summer or sometimes Ruby could bring showing for a moment before his face turned back to sturdy granite.

Jaune just shook his head and sat down, Ruby rushing to take the seat next to him and nearly knocking herself, the chair and the table off in the process. As Jaune stabilised her he noticed the room turn darker before Blake huffed and took the head seat of the table, looking slightly annoyed.

Jaune prayed to the heavens what he thought was happening wasn't happening, and offered her an awkward smile in apology before turning to the table.

"Grab what you like I guess."

"Never has there been a more inspiring pre-meal speech in history." Ruby teased, even as she quickly piled up chicken and and vegetables onto her plate. "That gave the speech King Oswald gave before the final battle of the Great War a run for its money."

"I know." Jaune retorted. "Who do you think I stole it from? If I had borrowed the speech you did in front of the entire school at assembly that one time we'd be here by midnight."

"It's not my fault it was so good the teachers forgot the time and we missed hometime by a few minutes!"

"You put them to sleep by speaking and we were half an hour late. The entire police department had been mobilised because people thought we had been kidnapped by terrorists. The freaking government dispatched a special forces team!"

"That was fake news made by the local press to entertain their three octogenarian readers and you know it!"

And so lunch continued, Summer laughing from the peanut gallery, Tai silently eating and Blake looking increasingly confused.

"I thought Ruby was the last one to be tug therefore she was the tagger?"

"Exactly!" Ruby exclaimed. "See! Even you know you were wrong!"

"Subsection A of the rules specify-"

"-Rules you made up after it happened-"

"-that if the tagger leaves the eldest is the one to be the next tagger."

"Just because you're eighteen doesn't mean you're better than me Jaune!"

"That reminds me…" Jaune said slowly, a light bulb shining brightly over his head. "Summer, since I'm eighteen now and legally an adult does that mean I get to boss Ruby around since she isn't?"

"Sure." Summer shrugged, eyes gleaming mischieviously. "It's the law."

"See." Jaune teased, inclining his head towards Summer, who was being stared at by a betrayed Ruby. "So, going back to incident eighty-one of tag, who was right?"

"You were." Ruby grumbled, stabbing a piece of chicken with extreme prejudice

"And who was in the wrong?"

Ruby's reply was muffled by her aggressively chomping on her chicken, and with Jaune having a nuclear option up his sleeve meaning victory in an argument was an inveitablity for at least the next three years until she turned eighteen herself, the conversation fell into a lull as food was eaten and devoured thoroughly. Summer made small talk with Blake, who responded well and seemed happy at the engagement. For someone with as little social experience as she did to do so well, Jaune couldn't help but feel proud for her. She really was a remarkable person, and the fact he knew that showed in the dumbass smile he knew was on his face.

Something prodded his side.

"I'm the mafia." Ruby intoned darkly, an almost threatening look on her face that failed miserably due to the overall cute factor that she inherited from Summer, and god's help Jaune for the day Ruby matured into a pseudo-Summer because he'd never win an argument with her again. "I demand headpats."

"What?" Jaune blinked, and Ruby's silver eyes narrowed.

"Now. Or else I'll…I'll do something!"

"Oh how terrifying." Jaune snorted, but he reluctantly set down his knife and used the free hand to pat Ruby's head. It actually was terrifying, because it meant Ruby would go away, spend ages coming up with a plan of revenge and said plan would either be ridiculously effective or fall apart so spectacularly everything was brought down with her. Hence why he was now paying the mafia toll.

"Jaune." Blake said seriously, and he turned to face her, arm starting to get tired from the continuous headpats Ruby apparently basked in whilst eating. The one time he tried removing his hand she glared at him with a fierceness that scared him. She looked troubled but determined, and Jaune felt his worry rise at the smirk on Summer's face that screamed of someone enjoying someone else suffering for their own entertainment.

"Yes Blake?"

"I want headpats too."

"What?" Jaune blinked. Blake's eyes narrowed into slits.

"Now."

"But why-"

"Now."

"How will I eat-"

"Now."

Jaune sighed, dropping his fork and reaching over to pat her head, making sure to avoid her extra ears so as to not cause an argument about racism or something. Whilst he pretty much tore himself in two stretching himself over the table to pat their heads, Ruby and Blake glared at each other, whilst Summer snickered at his predicament.

Jaune wished he was back at the point in time where the thing he had to worry about the most was not being eaten by Vampire.

Well he didn't, but it was telling how such a situation was able to seem even somewhat attractive compared to whatever this was.

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Ruby was a girl of common sense, grace and honour. All the good stuff that her mom was too! Which was why, upon finding out her awesome but slightly stupid slash naive cousin had a woman lady friend suddenly living at his house, that she came to the most clearcut, obvious reason why.

She was using him.

She paid no rent, she didn't have a job, she wasn't in an education and she probably didn't even know how to play Street Brawler 7 properly! Plus, and with absolutely no offence to the cousin who she loved like the sibling she didn't have, Jaune had about as much luck with ladies as she did with Amber Arc because of Amber's stupid dog allergy that stupidly seemed to have applied to Ruby and her Mom.

Which meant, obviously, this Blake Nightshade lady was using her wiles to trick her cousin slash guy bestie into a one-sided relationship where he gave her his wallet, heart and soul whilst she gave him a compliment and a battered eyelash here and there.

So Ruby, because she loved her cousin slash guy bestie slash pseudo sibling, would have to rescue Jaune like he a fair maiden in a tower being trapped by an evil dragon, though in this case the evil dragon was some sort of alien thingy according to her mom.

"Jaune!" The vile wench called from inside the house. Jaune appeared in the hallway, and Ruby's excitement, barely stymied by the fact he was being taken advantage of, couldn't be contained any longer at the sight of him.

"Jaune!" Ruby exclaimed, rushing forwards and slamming into him, hugging him closely and never wanting to let him go, just like when they were younger and he'd have to go home from a sleepover, leaving her by herself in a quiet house with a distant father and an overworked mother. "It's been so long since I last saw you! Did you miss me? Did you?"

"Yup." Jaune wheezed, and whilst Ruby knew she was probably hugging him too tightly, she'd missed him to much to show mercy, and part of her hoped, like she had always hoped, hugging him tight enough would somehow take them back in time to when they first properly met when she was barely a toddler and and hugged him as tightly as she could in the hopes he would be her big brother, and that her home wouldn't seem so quiet and lonely so often. "I've missed you so much since the last time I saw you two months ago. Can I breathe now?"

"Nope." Ruby replied, grinning at him cheekily for his sarcastic reply. "You have to say it first."

"R-Ruby please-"

"Nope." Ruby interrupted, popping the 'p' for emphasis.

"Merc-"

"Nope."

"You're the bestest cousin in the world." Jaune sighed exaggeratingly, as if he didn't actually think that was the case - which would have to be wrong otherwise she'd probably start crying - patting her head in the process. Ruby could practically feel her tail swishing rapidly, though thankfully she wasn't wolfy enough for that not to be seen. Though maybe her mom could tell. "And I love you since before now until forever. Can I breathe now?"

"Yup." Ruby grinned, relinquishing her hold on him. She remembered that Jaune knew of her deceit, of the years she had been forced to withhold the truth from him, and the conversations she had heard over the Scroll between Uncle Nicky and her Mom over how Jaune had reacted to finding out his mother was the same type of alien space thing Blake Nightshade was. Her face fell, and she stared at the ground, wondering if he was as angry with her as he had been with his parents. "You…uh…know huh?"

"Yeah." Jaune replied easily enough, ruffling her hair again. His hand was nice and big and warm, and a form of physical affection she'd been missing from her dad and couldn't receive much of in great amounts due to the exhausted, sometimes even wounded state her mom would come home in. "I'm not mad, you know?"

"Iwantedtotellyou!" Ruby blurted out, hugging him again, astonished by just how easily Jaune had been able to get over her years of lying that had torn her up inside, not wanting to ruin Jaune's chances at a normal life or betray the trust her mom and auntie and uncle had in her, but she had hated not being able to tell Jaune the full truth about herself. "Mom and your parents wouldn't let me though!"

"I know." Jaune said, patting her head again. Ruby held him tighter, appreciating his comforting warmth and scent. The cold blanket of loneliness seemed to fade from her shoulders, if even for just a moment, and she leaned into his headpats, knowing she looked like a fool but not caring one bit. "You're still the bestest cousin in the world and I love you since before now and forever, Okay?"

"M'kay." Ruby replied, stepping back again and freezing as she saw the very aptly named Blake Nightshade, who was practically covering the hallway behind Jaune in a veritable wall of black tentacles that looked like they came straight out those weird mangas her bestest lady friend had shown her. They swayed menacingly, and the look on her face could be summarised succinctly by jealousy. Ruby frowned, knowing the show was twofold. Nightshade wanted to seem jealous so her parents would think she Jaune's affection rather than his money, and the tentacles were a clear display of threat towards her for daring to take Jaune's attention away from her for even just a moment. Ruby felt her hackles rise, knowing for certain now that Blake Nightshade was nothing good for her swaying idly. It might have been a trick of his imagination, but he could've sworn there were more of them than usual, and that they were bigger somehow too. "Who's this?

"Ruby, meet Blake." Jaune introduced, turning to the side so they could get a better look at eachother. "She's my new housemate and a good friend of mine. Blake, this is my cousin Ruby."

'Damnit she's hot…wait a second! He said more about her than he did about me!'

"Hey!"

"My bestest cousin and bestest friend Ruby." Jaune corrected, and the two of them shook hands. Ruby squeezed with all her might, and Blake Nightshade returned the favour. Her stupidly pretty golden eyes seemed to glance up and down Ruby's body, and Ruby refused the same because she knew for a fact she was going to end up staring at either her long, ridiculously toned legs or the fact she was wearing Jaune's Pumpkins Pete hoodie even she hadn't been allowed to wear before! What was that bull crap?!

Now it was definite. Jaune was an idiot, Nightshade was an evil but stupidly beautiful seductress and Ruby was going to have to save her cousin so she could date someone she approved of because Jaune deserved the best of the best and not some pretty-faced succubus who'd get in between cousin bonding time!

Jaune stepped away and she heard him speak to her parents. Ruby thought of something to say, and in the end could only think of a quote from one of the ancient, 1980s era dad movies Jaune loved so much.

"I will break you." Ruby warned, narrowing her eyes. "I know your game Nightshade. I'm not letting you take advantage of my cousin."

"I am doing no such thing, and don't think I don't know why you are acting the way you are." Nightshade frowned back, and Ruby tried not to wince as her hand felt like it was caught in a vice. Dammit…she was strong too. "Jaune is uninterested in your heathen ways, Mistrali."

"I'm not from-"

"-That'll do it." Her father snorted, and Ruby froze upon hearing her stoic, quiet dad speak without prompting. "I see you have a door. I'll set up for you."

"You don't have to-"

"I'm doing it." Tai said simply, before stepping onwards towards the dining room. Ruby stared at him as he walked past, their eyes meeting for a brief moment before he looked away. Ruby felt a tremble down her spine, swallowing down her tears at her father's lack of engagement with her, probably because he didn't like her.

Ruby didn't blame him for that. She didn't even really like herself that much.

"Did Dad speak to you of his own accord?" Ruby blurted out, eyes wide as her head moved back and forth from Jaune to the dining room where she could hear her dad sitting down.

"I think so." Jaune replied, shrugging as well. Jaune turned towards Blake, who looked confused, and Ruby did her best to hide the glare she wanted to glare at the girl. "Uncle Tai is pretty much a mute."

"But not deaf." Her dad called from the dining room, making the three of them flush as they hurried inside, seeing her mother roll her eyes at them whilst she sat down next to dad.

"The cheek of kids these days." Mom teased, nudging dad with her elbow. "Remember when they'd sleep all the time and looked adorable."

"Always." Dad replied, a rare smile only her mom could bring showing on his stern, stoic face for just a moment before fading again. Her dad smiled more often than he had when Ruby was a child, probably because he didn't see her as often as he used to on account of her being at school all the time.

Jaune just shook his head and sat down, and Ruby saw her opportunity using instinct honed by a dozen dinners and lunches with the Arc family, rushing to take the seat next to him and nearly knocking herself, the chair and the tablecloth off in the process. As Jaune stabilised her, she noticed the room turn darker before Nightshade huffed and took the head seat of the table, looking slightly annoyed. Ruby grinned tauntingly, a smug look on her face as she revelled in the first defeat of her enemy.

Nightshade might be pretty, but Ruby was Jaunesmart, and knowledge beat looks any day of the week.

…Hopefully

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Blake was not very happy with the upending of the status quo, that being Jaune and her and little else. She liked Agent Rose, and Agent Rose's spouse looked like the sort of person who gave away money easier than words, but Jaune's cousin was a monster in disguise and Jaune didn't even realise it.

Unlike Agent Rose, who probably showered herself to prevent such a stench, Ruby Rose stank of dog, and it was all pervasive. Blake could practically feel the scent starting to cling to the walls and the floor and the very air of her home. Almost as if the girl was trying to mark the place, which was why Blake had come to a deductive, well thought-out conclusion to the clear jealousy Ruby Rose had whenever Jaune so much as looked Blake, why she stole Jaune's attention and the seat next to him and why she was stinking up Blake's home with her vile canine scent.

Ruby was in love with Jaune and wanted to do degenerate Mistrali things like those disgusting, totally not secretly bookmarked Mistrali black ink comics Blake had read on Jaune's Scroll whilst he slept, where close kin would commit heinous acts with one another due to Mistrali ideology of 'Wincest'.

Now, Blake was becoming well versed in matters of the world as she learned from both Jaune and Jaune's Scroll. So long as one only ever fantasised about something, then it was completely fine, but if they acted on it in the real world, they were filthy degenerates who needed to be given the 'behind the shed treatment' or something. Blake wasn't quite certain, but she imagined it was a particularly harsh punishment indeed, as degenerates deserved.

The problem was, whilst she was certain Ruby was certainly such a degenerate that she wanted to actually act out her filthy fantasies, though Blake couldn't blame her taste, -Jaune was Jaune afterall- , Ruby didn't seem to have made an actual move on Jaune yet. Perhaps she was scared, rightfully so, of rejection. Perhaps it was because her parents were present. Perhaps it was because Blake was present. It didn't matter.

All it meant was that Blake had to ensure that Ruby never spent a moment alone with Jaune in order to save him from her depredations should she ever summon the courage to act on her clear, blatant desires.

Blake communicated her challenge through her eyes as she glared at Ruby, having to fight hard to maintain her angry look as Jaune gave her the headpats she demanded and rightfully deserved. Ruby glared back, probably not having to struggle to do so due to the fact she didn't actually care for Jaune's headpats and only ever saw him as a vessel to use to enact her own degenerate will upon.

For some reason, Agent Rose seemed to find the situation amusing, and Agent Rose's partner had even raised an eyebrow slightly, the most emotion displayed on his face since Agent Rose made him smile.

There had to be something Blake could do to try and show Ruby Rose that Jaune wasn't interested in her depraved perversions, and that he was much more interested in someone less degenerate, much more loyal and better overall like Blake.

During her midnightly trawlings of the DustNet, Blake had discovered the concept of the 'Best Girl'. Perhaps she should weaponise that concept?

Ruby had drawn first blood by taking the seat next to Jaune. Blake, however, was going to win the first battle of their war.

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"Jaune?"

"Yes Blake?" Jaune sighed, staring forlornly at the food on his plate, which Summer kept stealing from, laughing as she did so with a big smile on her face. She was doing it to taunt him, and it worked, his belly rumbling as he watched his remaining chicken steadily disappear.

His arms and wrists and hands and soul was sore from his continued head massages to Ruby and Blake, both of whom would glare at him rather than each other when he dared to try and pull his hand away.

"Who is your Best Girl?"

"Huh?" Jaune blinked.

"Your Best Girl. Who is your Best Girl in life?" Blake asked, eyes focusing on him and making it clear he was probably sleeping in his chair tonight if he answered wrong.

"Well it has to be me right?" Ruby interjected, and Jaune felt his soul sink, his eyes dead as he turned to Ruby. "I'm your bestest lady friend, your oldest friend and your favourite cousin to boot!"

"Except I am your housemate, your newest friend, your bestest friend and your bed-sharer." Blake retorted, and Summer choked on her stolen chicken, Tai's fork froze halfway to his mouth, Ruby made a noise of indignation and shock and Jaune tried not to choke on air.

"Platonically!" Jaune exclaimed, making sure not to meet Summer's shocked look or Ruby's decidedly deadly glare. "We don't do anything but sleep because Blake doesn't want her own bed!"

"We snuggle."

"E-Except that." Jaune tried, wincing again as Tai had to slam his hand against Summer's back to stop her from choking. "I promise."

"I'm your Best Girl though, right?" Ruby asked, prodding his side with her finger and not looking menacing despite her best attempt to do so.

"I'm your Best Girl!" Blake retorted, and Ruby glared at her.

"I am!"

"No I am!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-uh!"

Jaune sighed and leaned back, finally able to stop patting their heads as they yelled at one another. Jaune's arms screamed in relief, whilst his soul screamed in agony as shenanigans followed him home and infected Ruby and Blake with shenaniganism, meaning that they were doomed and he was better off going on the run than staying to witness their antics. Or get infected.

Though, in all fairness he was probably patient zero for shenaniganism the reason why Blake and Ruby had been infected.

He shook his head, eyes staring at the ceiling and tuning the two of them out as they argued. If only there was a better reason for this than just the cruel whims of fate.

Unbeknownst to Jaune, a crow snoozed soundly inside a nest built in the chimney of his home.