Arielle had gone off alone after receiving her father's letter, leaving a somewhat stunned Eden behind. She knew her father well; the tone of the letter was calm, but her father wasn't happy with her continued absence. A sad and bleak reality crashed over her as she imagined returning to her parents and the manor that seemed so claustrophobic now.
For a moment, the bard wondered whether she should stand up to her father and refuse. But she couldn't simply write back that she had discovered a new part of herself and her duties and heart now lay elsewhere. Arielle wrapped her trembling arms around herself as she paced back and forth quietly in her room. Her father had the right to demand her return; she was his daughter, he paid for her journey and all the other things she ever had. Without him she would be without family, without money, without a home. She chastised herself for thinking that she could stay forever. She could already hear his words echoing in her head: she was an adult, her father's daughter, and had her responsibilities to her family. The time for playing knights and princesses was over.
But Arielle couldn't ignore the tightening in her chest when she thought of being separated from Eden. She couldn't bear thinking that she might not ever see her again. But she couldn't imagine Eden going home with her either. For a brief moment, the bard entertained the thought of asking Eden to escort her, but then dismissed it as very selfish. There were more important things than her; Eden had God's will to follow, there was a greater good to fight for. And while Arielle wasn't sure whether the warrior would even follow her halfway across the world, Eden didn't know whether Arielle would want her to.
Eden was aware that Helen had been saying something to her, but didn't hear the words. Almost in a daze, Eden slowly walked out of the kitchen and into the cloister where she leaned against a pillar. She felt the band around her chest constrict so much that she thought she might be crushed. Her greatest fear had become a sudden reality- Arielle was leaving. And she immediately felt herself devoured by two emotions. She felt compassion for the bard; she knew that the blond was returning to her home, but there was something in those green eyes that betrayed emotions that weren't happiness. And Eden was also furious. She was angry that she had let herself forget that Arielle wasn't from her world and that one day their adventures would have to end. The warrior let out a loud breath as she rested her head against the pillar and looked up into the blue sky.
She had almost believed she might have actually been given a chance. A chance at redemption, peace, happiness, life... and love. Eden clenched and unclenched her hands into fists. The constant warring for the smallest scrap of normalcy was tiring and took a heavy toll. With Arielle by her side, she had the insane, yet fixed notion that she could face anything and somehow, in the end, it would be alright. For a moment, she had felt that her roaming had finally led her home and that her night was gradually breaking into day. But now the moment was gone. They say that you shouldn't test your God, Eden thought bitterly, but where does it say that your God should constantly test you?
"Why?" she whispered towards the heavens.
But after a few moments when no one had shown any interest in her question, Eden looked down at the ground and chuckled coldly to herself.
"You're a warrior, you idiot... So go and war." she said icily, a cold strain making her muscles tense and eyes grow frigid, "You wanted to do away with yourself... well, you've gone and done it."
And she stomped away in no particular direction, but anywhere just to get far away from the world she was hating again because it never cared for her. She never noticed Xena silently watching her from across the cloister, shaking her head slowly.
"How are you doing?" Eden asked gently as she walked into their room that afternoon.
"I'm... alright." Arielle answered quietly as she slowly rose from her chair.
"So... what are you... deciding..." Eden tried to ask.
"I have to go back." Arielle shoved out of her throat with all her might and against her will, "The sooner, the better."
"Of course." Eden acknowledged in a defeated tone as her eyes fell to the floor.
"It's just... better this way... don't... don't you think?"
"Yes... right..."
They both stood in the room across from each other and neither could remember ever feeling as nervous and awkward as they felt at that moment. They wondered whether everything they had built, everything they had struggled to discover and retain was now all lost. If it wasn't, then they couldn't see the way out of their situation. And if it was, they couldn't see the point in any of it happening in the first place. And now faced with the prospect of never seeing Eden again, Arielle began to think that maybe it would have been better if she had never met her at all.
"Eden, I... I... I didn't want this..." Arielle stuttered, her eyes taking turns darting to the warrior and then to the floor.
"I know..." Eden replied and then forced herself to say what she hardly believed herself, "They're your family, Arielle, your flesh and blood. They're probably worried about you... Saracens and Crusaders in the middle of the desert- it's not exactly a place someone wants their daughter to stay."
"I know, but..." Arielle admitted unwillingly, "what about... you... and me...?"
The bard acknowledged the very thing that was gnawing their hearts out. And Eden saw her chance to tell the blond to stay or to least let her escort her home and maybe they would be able to figure something out before they reached her doorstep. But as much as she wanted to, as much as it burned her to do so, Eden couldn't. Arielle didn't belong to her and she no claim over her. Naturally, she could just whisk Arielle off somewhere and they would never be found, but what kind of life would that be for either of them? The bard had the right to make her own decisions and walk down her own path no matter how much Eden wanted it to be different. Eden had to be the strong one, the indestructible one, the honorable one who would do the right thing even if it ended up killing her.
"Arielle... the bond between us... is stronger than any ties of blood... It won't ever fade or disappear... no matter how far you are..." Eden pressed out as her heart began to twist in her chest.
Neither wanted to influence the other, their love for each other both tearing their hearts into shreds and telling them to let each other go at the same time. Neither wanted to ruin the other's life, force them into something they didn't want or weren't ready for. They would make their own decisions and speak for themselves and if it meant that they would have to separate then so be it. So they put on foolish, fake faces.
"I... I think I'll start packing..." Arielle whispered, biting down on the inside of her cheek so hard, she could taste blood.
"Right... I'll... just let you pack in peace." Eden said simply, turned, and left.
She didn't want to hear Arielle explain to her how she had to leave Eden behind. A flashing painful memory of their argument in Dorian's manor ripped through her mind. History was a bastard that loved to repeat itself, Eden mused. Her own footsteps echoed loudly and painfully in her ears as she walked along the stone path to the gate and then out into the streets of Jerusalem. In the air filled with people, smells, and sounds, Eden felt painfully empty and out of place as if life was going on without her. My world is being taken from me. She walked ahead in no particular direction, not knowing where to go but knowing that she simply couldn't stay. And back in their room, the moment the door closed, Arielle collapsed to her knees, hid her face onto the bed cover, and sobbed.
Around an hour later, Arielle found a quiet spot on a grassy hill outside the city walls. She sat down and let her mind wander as her hand absently plucked at the grass. When she had left home, her wildest imagination wouldn't have been able to create all the things that she had experienced. And become. Arielle began to notice how much she had changed. She studied her forearm as she flexed her hand and watched the muscles react beneath her skin. They were the tangible sign of months of training and fighting and the different person she now was. She had set her mind to it and had accomplished it and both she and Eden were proud of her. Her family, on the other hand, would displeased at the very least.
She had always been caught between what she wanted to be and what everyone expected her to be and so no matter how cheerful she was on the outside, her heart was always somewhat heavy. There was always something she seemed to lack; she wasn't beautiful enough, talented enough, well mannered enough, or obedient enough and no matter how she tried, it never seemed to be good enough. She had tried hard, but could never grow used to the constant feeling of being inadequate... disappointing... different. Her love for stories and imagination was enough of a burden on her parents whose greatest fear was that such unique interests in the young woman would make it difficult to find a husband. Now there was so much more besides that and if her parents ever knew then her mother would faint and her father would throw a fit.
Now she knew Eden, who didn't judge her or try to change her, but instead told her to be herself. The bard would marvel every time she saw herself reflected in the warrior's piercing blue eyes. She was the person she had always wanted to be, a person Eden had shown her she had always been. Arielle was finally beginning to understand the awe and happiness of the stories and poems she had read over and over that described such great emotion that the bard sometimes thought they weren't real. But now Arielle herself felt like she could do anything, hold the sun and pick the stars, swim the oceans, and touch the very face of God. And she had discovered it all in the most unlikely of places.
But her mind had also changed from its childish musings. She had learned so much from the warrior through mere observation and conversation. Though she would never agree that life was only dismal and dark, she understood why Eden thought so and it opened her eyes to how much life could shape a person and how much a person can shape their life. She had seen good and evil, light and dark, angels and demons; she had seen the dark side of the Church and the light side of a raider. She began to wonder how different she was compared to others. And then she wondered if she had changed enough to no longer be the person she never really was to begin with.
So how could she now go back to the confines of her home? And was it a home still? She had told Eden that she was like family to her and she had meant it, but she had never realized that one day, she might have to confront the two. Her father would disapprove of the warrior at first glance. If he found out that Eden loved her, he would probably kill her. Her mother would be strenuously civil for appearances' sake and her sister would probably be too absorbed in herself to pay much attention. Arielle sighed heavily. It all came back to her in a dark, heavy wave. The mature woman she was growing to be with her own ideas, purpose, dreams and the courage to fulfill them suddenly disappeared and the insecure maiden who was only her father's property returned. She felt her bravery shrivel up within her and crawl into the nearest dark corner of her soul and moan in sorrow.
"Why?" she whispered with a heavy heart and rested her forehead against her raised knees.
"I think the better question would be 'how?'."
Arielle's head snapped up and she turned to see Gabrielle sitting by her side.
"How?"
The angel simply nodded.
"I don't understand."
"This isn't a punishment." the blond angel explained, turning to look at Arielle, "It's a chance."
"A chance?"
"To be who you are."
The bard gazed at the angel silently for a few moments.
"I don't know if I really know who I am... or who I'm supposed to be."
"There is a truth to who we are that lies deep within all of us."
"My father-"
"Is your father. Nothing more, nothing less. He doesn't define who you are. You do."
Arielle worried her lower lip as she thought about the angel's words. Her father had always been so much more than just her father; he was her keeper, her judge, almost her entire world.
"I just... I just don't know if I'm strong enough for this now."
"I know... but we sometimes don't know how strong we really are until we're left with no other choice."
A silence fell between them as they both turned to look out ahead. Gabrielle's words made all the sense in the world and seemed painfully simple, but for Arielle, they also seemed impossible to act upon.
"Can't you just tell me what to do?" Arielle asked, turning to the angel with hopes that the difficult decisions would be made for her, but the angel only shook her head and Arielle felt her spirit sink, "Why not? What about God's will?"
"God's will isn't meant to be a burden or stuffed down your throat." the blond angel explained gently, "And even if you discover it and turn away from it, God thinks no less of you. Your free will is your greatest gift."
"I sometimes just wish someone would tell me the right thing to do." Arielle admitted with a slump in her shoulders.
"You already know the right thing to do, Arielle. You don't need anyone telling you what to do... Tell me, who are we if we just serve others? Especially if that makes us turn our back on ourselves?"
The words struck a chord in Arielle who was raised to do exactly that. It was Eden who had begun to teach her to listen to herself and follow her heart. But listening to one's self came with the price of having to make painful decisions that the bard simply wasn't ready for.
"Perhaps Eden will decide for me." Arielle breathed out, half wishing for it.
"Oh, I wouldn't expect that." Gabrielle replied with a soft laugh, "If I know her she'll tell you that she doesn't want to influence your decision and for you to follow-"
"My heart." Arielle finished with a small smile at the angel and they both laughed quietly.
"Why can't things ever be simple?" Arielle asked after a few moments.
"I've been asking myself that for centuries." Gabrielle replied with a quiet chuckle.
"Do you need any help?"
Arielle turned to see Lawrence poking his head through the door and waiting there as if he was afraid to come in.
"Are you that eager to see me go?" the bard tried to joke.
But her voice came out too tense, her tentative smile faded, and she turned back to her packing. The Hospitaller sighed lightly and let himself in. His eyes swept the room and then rested on the blond. She put things in her bags to take them back out again as if she simply couldn't get everything arranged the way she wanted to. The tension that radiated from her almost filled the room and made him want to take a step back to be able to breathe.
"How did you know?" she asked quietly, not looking up from her task.
"You forget I'm a seer," he answered lightly, "and Eden doing sword drills until she collapses also gave the secret away a little."
Arielle had been folding a tunic and now her motions slowed down until they finally stopped. She simply stared at it until she let out a breath and flung it on top her bags. She then sat down on the edge of the bed as if she had no more strength to stand.
"I didn't want this, Lawrence." she admitted in a cracking voice.
"I know." he said quietly as he walked over and sat down next to her.
"She can't come with me... What would we do when I come home? She can't stay... She probably wouldn't want to... If my father... found out..."
"That you're guardians?" he asked gently.
"Yes... I don't even know how to explain it..." she replied slowly and then swallowed hard, her breath becoming more shaky, "And if he found out... that we... are so... close..."
"Ah, yes... the story of Sodom..." he whispered.
"No!" she said sharply to him and then eased under his stunned expression, "We... haven't... although..."
"Arielle," he said warmly, looking at his stuttering friend and gently putting an arm around her shoulders, "it doesn't matter to me what you do or don't do as long as you are true to yourself. If you love her then love her."
Arielle opened her mouth to interrupt, but the knight didn't let her.
"Yes, I know what's written in the Bible. I've read it in a few languages. But in the end, after all the wrath and turmoil of the beginnings of man, it seems that even God decides that anger isn't the way. In the end, the message is very simple. Love. Love thy God, love thy neighbor. And you, Arielle, probably have the gentlest heart I know."
Arielle chewed her lower lip as she digested his words. It seemed strange to her that through all the masses she had sat through with all the fiery sermons, no one had ever explained anything so simply and yet so profoundly as Lawrence had just done. She turned her gaze towards him.
"Do you... Do you think me... what Eden and I... ungodly?"
"Ungodly? How is that even possible? 'Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.'" he answered, smiling at her worried eyes.
"But you can't just choose the things that are easy to accept. It still says-"
"Arielle, I eat the meat of hogs, rabbit, and shellfish, I wear fabric made of mixed threads, I cut my hair and shave... and angels still talk to me."
The heaviness in Arielle's heart couldn't help but be lifted when she looked at Lawrence's warm, boyish grin. She leaned into him and wrapped her arms around him in a warm hug. He answered with the same and they just sat there quietly for a while, drawing from each other's comfort.
"I'm going to miss you very much." the bard whispered.
"Well, I should think so." he replied with feigned offense, but then grew more solemn, "Jerusalem will lose much of its color without you here."
"Tch." she replied, trying very hard not to cry as she hugged Lawrence tighter, "Will you look out for her?"
"Of course... Though sometimes I don't know what's harder: looking out for her or being a guardian."
"Maybe... Maybe she won't need all that much looking after." the bard suggested in a frail voice, pulling out of the embrace and looking down at the floor.
"Arielle," he interrupted, gently raising her chin with his hand until she was looking at him again, "I'll tell you a secret Eden would probably kill me for telling. After Mirabel, Eden arranged for the lightly wounded to be put up at the inn you were staying at instead of a different one... That's why you had to leave... "
"So I would stay... with her?" the bard calculated slowly and with amazement.
After Lawrence nodded, Arielle marveled at how the otherwise challenging and brave warrior felt completely out of place and uncomfortable in simply asking the bard to stay with her. Instead she came up with a rather complicated plan to make it seem that it was fate that brought them together. You have shifted my fate more than once, my friend.
"I'm glad she did." the bard concluded and rested her head on his strong shoulder as a thought entered her mind, "She... she didn't ask me to stay..."
"She didn't then and she won't now." he answered, letting out a deep breath and pulling back a little as Arielle's wide eyes flew up to meet his, "She's a warrior, Arielle, she thinks in terms of duty and responsibility. She wants what's best for you. And loss is something she unfortunately knows well and always expects. She won't influence your decision... no matter how hard it is on her."
"Why can't she just tell me this?" Arielle complained, her shoulders slumping, "Why does she always have to be so stubborn?"
"Well, would you want her any other way?"
Eden walked in that evening and looked around the room which suddenly seemed so empty and cold that she couldn't stand the thought of staying in it without the bard there. Her gaze fell on the packed bags and they seemed to irritate her eyes, making her look everywhere else.
"It seems you're ready." Eden said quietly.
"Yes... it seems so." Arielle replied as if she regretted that she didn't have a million more things to still pack.
It had always slightly irritated Eden how Arielle always collected the strangest and most useless of things everywhere they went, attaching sentimental value to them. The warrior would try to hide her annoyance when they would lug their bags around, half filled with rocks, parchment, ribbons or jewelry, or books with dozens of flowers pressed between the pages. But in the clash between practicality and sentimentality, the latter was overrunning the warrior and now when Eden saw all those mementos packed away and never to be seen again, she felt a sudden emptiness. Eden found herself loving and hating them at the same time. She loved the trinkets and wanted them to stay because they were a part of Arielle and she hated them because if they stayed they would remind her of probably her greatest loss.
"Good... Are you still sure you don't want to go by ship?" Eden asked trying to keep her voice level.
"I'm sure... I get-"
"Seasick. Yes, I know."
A warm gentleness passed between them, bringing frail smiles to their faces for a moment before their sadness fell back heavily upon them.
"I... arranged for Tobias to go with you... at least to Antioch. He'll find someone there to escort you home..."
"Tobias?" the bard asked with surprise, "I never found him during the siege..."
"He had been wounded. Nothing serious... He's well now and would gladly escort you."
"Oh... I don't want to cause any-"
"I don't want you going alone," Eden blurted out, a pained look passing over her face, "and it seems that he can be trusted."
It was enough to break the bard's heart so she dropped her eyes to the floor and simply nodded.
"Good... I'll let you go say... your goodb-" Eden said, faltering on the last word.
Arielle could actually feel the looming weight of Eden's impending absence. She almost felt like Eden wasn't going to leave the room, but walk out of her life. It all felt too permanent, too final. Her mind struggled to justify what was going on, a battle erupting within her between what she thought was right and what was expected of her. She realized that she wasn't strong enough to be herself, but she was no longer weak enough to be no one at all. What was she doing here? Who was she to herself, to Eden, to the rest of the world? Who had claim to her if anyone could take claim at all? Who needed her and who did she really need? What was her purpose?
Your duty is to protect her... Arielle's eyes widened and then her eyebrows knotted at the thought that was hers but seemed foreign at the same time as she watched the warrior turn her back and rest her hand on the latch of the door.
The bard painfully watched Eden leave, leaving a large hole of existence behind her and Arielle could do nothing else than drown in her sadness. The next day, Eden came to say a single goodbye and then stood at a distance as if standing too close to the bard would burn her. Arielle trotted away slowly, but unwillingly, watching Eden's still form grow smaller and smaller until it couldn't be seen at all and the warrior ended her tangible existence in Arielle's world and started her life as a memory. The road seemed to suddenly become unbearably long and rocky, stretching out further than even God's eyes could see. And with each step, the bard felt a dark emptiness grow within her, chilling her blood and halting her thoughts. A strange feeling of something gone terribly wrong crawled up the blond's spine and she turned to look out at the land ahead of her. And a strong wind suddenly blew angrily, the mountains shook as the sands twisted, and she could hear the sea enraged. She turned to look at Tobias, but he wasn't there. Instead, Eden appeared and was saying words Arielle couldn't hear as she watched the warrior blow away in the wind like an abandoned sand castle. The bard heard demons howling and angels falling silent as the sky turned from blue to gray to black.
"No!" Arielle cried, blinking her eyes hard.
Eden turned around from the door slowly with surprise and confusion, Arielle's quickened breathing filling the room.
"Stop."
Eden stood looking uneasily at the bard who had a defiant look on her face as if she was facing an army of a thousand.
"Escort me, warrior?" Arielle asked, trying to cover her breaking, trembling voice with a weak smile.
Arielle loved the warrior for being the strong one who would agree with anything the bard decided. But now, Arielle didn't want Eden to be strong and impenetrable; she wanted her to be soft and weak, giving into what their pounding hearts demanded. And Eden heard her heavy doubt and fragile hope in that question as she took a few, slow steps towards the blond and stopped in front of her, her face unreadable to the bard.
"Always." Eden whispered.
Arielle was on the verge of tears when she threw herself into Eden's arms and the warrior held her tightly. The bard let her tears fall silently while Eden pressed her lips into the blond's hair.
"Would it be really selfish if I told you I don't ever want to let you go?" the warrior whispered above Arielle's ear.
"No more selfish than me telling you that I never want to part from you." Arielle answered into the warrior's neck.
"You do know that we'll probably have to go through this again in front of your home, right?"
"I don't care." the bard replied shortly, feeling the warrior's nearly soundless, single chuckle.
"Maybe we'll think of something by then."
"Of course, we will. Together we can do anything."
Arielle said it with such conviction like it was some elemental law of nature and the warrior found herself calming in the quiet now between them with no other option, but to believe it.
"Just... could you just... hold me for a while?" the bard whispered so quietly that Eden could barely hear.
The warrior held the bard until the evening dragged into the night. They lay in each other's arms, neither willing to close her eyes for foolish fear that they might fall asleep and wake up to the other gone.
"Would you have really let me go?" the bard whispered quietly, holding her breath, half fearing that she might not like the answer.
"No, not really." Eden replied, "I planned on following you the entire way back... make sure you were safe."
"Why couldn't you just tell me that?"
"I didn't want to influence your decision. I gave you your freedom... to choose, to decide." Eden murmured, her eyes turned down.
Faint echoes of Arielle's accusations skipped through both their minds and it was quiet for a few moments. Then the warrior felt the bard's fingers under her chin, gently pushing her up to look into those moss green eyes.
"Eden, you are my freedom." Arielle quietly but decisively, making Eden's heart skip a beat and her eyebrows slightly furrow in surprise, "Let's not do this again. Let's not pretend that we mean nothing to each other. From now on... where you go... I go."
Eden could have come up with several reasons why it wasn't a good idea, or possible, or safe. But her heart spoke more loudly than her rational and skeptical mind. And from deep within that heart, there was a feeling that somewhere, somehow, this was all meant to be and would work out in the end despite all the worry, doubt, and evil they faced.
Arielle feared her own words for a few breathless seconds. She only realized what they meant after she had said them. The warrior had made it a point to answer only to God; she was free and untamed, belonging to no one, kneeling before no one. But now Arielle had unknowingly asked her to forsake a part of her independence to follow the bard around. She could almost imagine Eden scoff angrily at the idea of having Arielle tied around her neck like a giant stone. Arielle drew a breath to somehow explain when she felt Eden take both her hands into hers and kiss each one gently. She held her breath when clear, blue eyes met her misty ones.
"Where you go, I go, my bard." Eden quietly agreed with a warm smile on her face.
Arielle unconsciously let out a long breath as her own grin spread and threatened to split her face. Eden basked in the glow of the bard's smile, but in the back of her mind, the messenger had reminded Eden how blindingly quickly things could change without warning. Nothing lasts forever, all things must come to an end. And the warrior knew that ends, even if postponed, always tended to come sooner than later.
"Arielle, I need you to understand one thing." she said solemnly, gathering the bard's hands into her own and looking at them, "It won't always be like this... Always together... You have to know that I could... One day I might-"
"I know." Arielle said softly, her voice sad, "I've nearly lost you too many times not to know..."
"You can change your mind... go home... I would understand."
"There's one thing that you need to understand." Arielle said, freeing one hand and cupping Eden's face, "Wherever you go, I'll follow... I'll follow you even into the dark..."
Eden opened her mouth to protest, but the bard pressed her fingertips to her lips.
"That's just the way it is." she stated in a tone as if it were undeniable law.
If Arielle had to realize that Eden might die and be taken from her forever, then the warrior had to realize that forever was going to last a very short time.
It was a battle for Eden- she had hated her own life with just as much fire as she loved the bard's. She wanted Arielle to live until she was old and gray and knowing that she might be the source of its untimely end weighed on the warrior's shoulders. But she knew enough to know that Arielle's mind had already been made up and there was no convincing her otherwise. Eden began to realize the gift in that, the realization that someone else was offering to her the same thing that Eden wanted to give them. It was something that she thought she would never live to see.
"I love you." Eden murmured into Arielle's hair after she pulled her closer.
"That's quite convenient because I happen to love you too." the bard replied with a smile on her face.
The next day, Arielle wondered if Helen wasn't the happiest one of them all when she learned that Eden was escorting Arielle home. She would miss them terribly, she said, yet thought that the idea of Arielle going anywhere without Eden was simply ludicrous.
"When she came to stay with you, I thought to myself that she had finally found her place here." Helen told Eden after Arielle had gone for an extra saddlebag, "And I was right."
Eden said nothing and silently helped the content Helen with packing some extra food for the road. Lawrence joined them and they all ate supper together as Felix bounded happily around the table until he finally curled up near the bard's feet.
"Take care of him." she whispered to the sister who nodded with a smile.
Eden and Arielle finally took their leave and returned to their room, Eden's arm around the shoulders of the bard who had grown a little teary at the goodbyes. They packed up the very last of their things and finally went to bed, lying down on their sides, facing each other.
"Do you think we'll have an adventure?" Arielle asked with wide, excited eyes that almost made her look like a young girl.
"Arielle, there's a greater chance of a woman becoming pope than you not getting into trouble." Eden answered with a slight chuckle and the bard grinned widely.