Haruka had texted her to come outside, and so she had—fifteen minutes ago. She looked over her shoulder and glanced up at her bedroom window. She would rather be at her desk, inside and cozy with her workbooks, than outside waiting for her not so surprise-surprise birthday party.
A page full of mathematical equations was once the worst way she could have thought to spend a Friday evening—now it was a task she actually looked forward to. Cracking open a heavy textbook, hearing the click of her mechanical pencil as she copied formulas, the spark in her mind when she finally solved a hard problem. It was nice to be completely immersed in a task that actually got easier with more effort.
The old her would have thought this Usagi was possessed, which wouldn't be that uncommon for a resident of the little Tokyo suburb of Juuban, and actually quite common for the people in her life. Yet, having her mind completely occupied by equations was better than waiting outside, idle, and vulnerable to the dangers of daydreaming.
Her eyes fell on her white tennis sneakers as they tapped to the beat pulsing in her headphones. She examined each dark scuff mark on the white leather then frowned as her gaze focused on the knot in her bunny looped shoe laces. Did queens even wear sneakers? Would she? A blurry image of Neo-Queen Serenity appeared in her head from the ankles up. She'd only worn heels twice outside of her Sailor uniform.
She imagined herself tripping on the palace stairs and her lips formed a tight line. Maybe she would practice walking in her room when she got back.
A queen should be graceful, ethereal.
Pain prickled as her nails pressed into her palms and tugged her mind back onto mathematical equations. She quickly recited the formulas for next week's quiz under her breath. It was no good to think too hard on the future, her chest tightened just as the thought of it.
A cloud skirted in front of the sun and offered a second of coolness. It was already a sweltering Tokyo summer. It had been scorching since dawn. To and from school, Usagi's platinum blonde head bobbed to the surface in a sea of umbrellas used as flimsy shields from the sun. A little sunflower in a bouquet of bodies wilting in the heat.
Then and now, not even a bead of sweat pearled at her brow. Even as her neighbors shuffled in from work; businesspeople in three piece suits, handkerchiefs pressed to their necks, and blazers sticking to their bodies, she leaned on her fence—perfectly cool.
She touched her forehead and her fingertips came away dry, but she stopped her mind from investigating further. The last few months she craved light like a flower, tearing open her curtains as soon as she woke up every morning, precisely as the son peaked over the horizon.
It was a drastic change for the girl who only last year slept through two alarms, and once a glass of water Shingo poured on her, but it was a small concern compared to the changes happening in her mind.
She observed now.
She dived in the present whereas before her mind had merely skittered along its surface. She could smell her neighbor had burnt dinner. Could hear the clacking of her Dad on his laptop behind the closed door of his office.
Before Chaos, she was so blissfully ignorant. Even then, with youma lurking around, she still whined at how her scouts babied her, still looked at the window during class wondering what her dress would look like at her and Mamo's wedding. Would the flowers be white roses or red? Pink? Wedding decorations alone would consume her thoughts all through Biology. Now she was almost too aware of the weight of her future. She was no longer a baby anymore and the world couldn't afford her to be a burden.
Oh to be Usagi Tsukino who's biggest concern was how she was going to secure the high score and Motoki's attention at the Crown Arcade.
Seiya's voice echoed through her headphones and she exhaled, letting her mind be flooded instead by the emotions his words brought. She wished she would have spent time listening to him sing live. He had given many invitations to his studio, and she had declined every offer, her head too clouded with confusion and the beginnings of grief over Mamoru's absence to make space for much else. Now, with Mamoru safely tucked away pursuing his studies, she listened to Seiya's voice as the harmony to her own thoughts, lifting her happy memories to a crescendo and softening the silence of her more morose moments.
Her feet pressed into the hardness of the concrete. It was good to focus on things she could see, hear, and touch, to attach herself to the now. She couldn't go to a real therapist, fighting the supernatural was not a topic most were adept in, but the ones on the internet were still pretty helpful. The technique was called grounding. It kept her mind from slipping away from her and sliding into her other lives, which was an inevitable end whenever she focused on anything other than what was currently happening around her. The fracturing that occurred divided her vision in two. It was like stacking two photos on top of another, at times one image was clearly a memory, other times it was to see what was the present and what was not.
It was a painful feeling of impermanence. Impermanence usually followed by panic.
It was a sudden separation from her current reality while being forced to watch one that had happened, or would happen, or even could happen. She called them "splits", partly too, because of the splitting headache they gave her.
She focused on a patch of stubborn weeds climbing up her fence and readjusted the overstuffed duffle hanging off her shoulder. The zipper curved and strained under the lumps of shorts, tops, manga and other borrowed items barely contained in a travel bag that Makoto had bought her for her last birthday. She had never even gotten a chance to use it before today, not needing more than what could fit in her backpack when she stayed at Mamoru's apartment.
She had meant to return all of the overdue goods to the Scouts 'the next time they hung out' which hadn't happened as soon as they had thought and so was happening now.
A bud of guilt opened in the middle of her sternum and she began to chew on the inside of her cheek. Another nervous habit she had developed now of all times—post their last apocalyptic encounter.
Has it really been that long?
The purr of the engine interrupted her train of thought before it could speed into a downward spiral.
After a few moments Haruka's most precious non-living possession turned the corner. The banana yellow, two door Ferrari slowed to a stop in front of her, freshly waxed and gleaming orange as the sun began its descent behind it.
The driver looked over at her from above her large black aviators.
"Neko", her voice always had the huskiness of someone who had just woken from sleep, but her eyes were as alert as always, piercing.
A flush colored Usagi's cheeks.
Everyone blushed in front of Haruka—it was hard not to. Her profile graced the front covers of everything sport related. Luckily the magic of their powers kept the public from ever connecting the dots, because the senshi of wind had taken the racing world by storm.
It was Haruka that had picked her up in between shoots, practice, and international competitions in the days after Mamoru left for America. Under the jealous gaze of her classmates Haruka had pulled up to the front of the gates in the car that cost more than university tuition to whisk her to the Crown Arcade. This was the less flashy compromise they had agreed on due to the fact Haruka had initially offered to pick her up in her motorcycle.
She felt Haruka eyes bearing down on her as she swirled her chocolate milkshake into a liquidy mess. Usually she would have interrupted her to talk about how hard school was, or how annoying a new level was to beat—not today. It was nice to hear the most dutiful of all the sailor scouts talk about something as normal as her day job.
"You seem different", Haruka said, leaning back and releasing her hands that had been laced behind her head. She leaned forward and her long fingers graced the soft skin of the back of Usagi's hand. Her eyebrow arched slightly and Usagi pulled the hand back and chuckled.
"In a good way?" She quickly placed her hands on both sides of the milkshake glass and took a swig. Her hands were warm, her whole body was warmer these days, even despite how cool Motoki kept the arcade. Plus she didn't want to cause another split.
She wasn't sure what caused them, but they often happened when she thought too much of the past or the future, especially if it involved scout business. An avoidance of "scout business" took much more effort than one would think when it made much of the ties that had formed the majority of her relationships.
"In a way," Haruka continued. Maybe she hadn't noticed the heat of her skin. "You seem so serious these days. You have all of the time in the world for that. You just be, and we'll handle the rest," Haruka chuckled and wiped the chocolate milk mustache on Usagi's lips with her thumb, licking the chocolate residue off, "But then again, maybe I'm wrong-", she made a face at the drink, hey eyes locking with Usagi, "-still a little too sweet for me."
Her ears began to burn immediately. "I-I'm just-I'll try. Tell me about your next race." It was Haruka's complete lack of effort in being sexy that made her that much more so.
"Enough about me. I've talked enough. Grades?", she said.
"80. 82. 91. Math. English. Politics. Still nowhere near as good as the others I'm sure", she paused and strummed her fingers on the glass, "Well maybe better than Minako."
That brought forth a laugh from Haruka. They were the best grades she'd ever gotten since acing Colors in Kindergarten. For once Naru had asked to see her notes, just for math though—her handwriting was still a work in progress.
"Impressive Neko. My little kitten is a little scholar. New friends got you studying?", Haruka's eyes flickered with something Usagi couldn't quite name.
She didn't take the bait. "Nope. Just want to finish the year strong like my Mom is always asking me to. I put my music on and just try to keep up with the class."
"What music?", she asked.
She leaned in over her unsweetened ice tea and flipped over Usagi's phone before she could protest. The pause button was on an unreleased song that Seiya had given her before he left. Her screen simply said FYEO by S.
He had slipped her a flash drive with a card that depicted the night sky during lunch.
"It stands for 'For Your Ears Only'. Taiki and Yaten would kill me if they knew I was making music by myself. So pinky promise you won't tell anyone. Wouldn't want to fan any rumors of me going solo."
She listened to the song at least once a day.
Clouds passed through Haruka's eyes. "-Reconnect with any old ones?"
Usagi kept her focus on her milkshake that had turned into not much more than lukewarm chocolate milk. The urge to roll her eyes fizzled into just the twitch of her lids. Michiru would have been more subtle. Surely, Minako, leader of the inner scouts had reported Mamoru leaving to Haruka and caused this impromptu welfare check.
Did they think she couldn't function without him, like she hadn't already done fine alone for months during their last battle? They were worried over nothing. What was more worrisome was how little she missed Mamoru. Splits were unavoidable with him. And they were random. One weekend she would have none at all, the next weekend every time he brushed past she would tense afraid of what the russian roulette of their memories would provide.
Him-her star crossed lover who was always musing over the future.
Him-who had been kidnapped, possessed, murdered much of the time as a direct attack on her as it was due to his own power.
Still, he forged on gleefully designing their future and blissfully unaware of how a brush of their finger could make him appear like Neo-King Endymion: a portrait in purple. He looked even more handsome then, with his lilac suit.
An hour later he could be laying on the couch, listening to classical music with a book in his hand and reach for her hand, the moment their hands linked his image would flicker in her eyes. His loose shirt and linen pajama pants would be replaced by the dark cloak and blue armor of Prince Endymion. The blood stains from Beryl's attack would color the blue robes into luminescent purple. Bits of rib and gore dropped from the wound that ultimately killed him.
It was then when she thought maybe her cover would be blown. That he would hear her breathing stop, see the blood quickly drain from her face as her brain remembered faster than her body that it wasn't real. But it never happened. He would kiss the back of her hand, turn the page of his book and keep reading. She would go to the bathroom, turn on the water and try not to throw up dinner after seeing her boyfriend's living corpse.
They often talked of nothing. Mamo never talked about their past—still sensitive to his recent disappearance and his death. The latest was far more permanent than his others had been. The past was too painful.
She felt Haruka's eyes weighing on her. There she went again. Her mind slipping away from her. What were they even talking about? Ah-yes, reconnecting with old friends.
And if she did reconnect with old ones, would that be so bad? Seiya was the past too, and true there were times, many, that she wanted to reach out, but to say what? And how? It was understood, even if she had pretended not to, that under the best circumstances they would never see each other again.
She blinked and her eyes refocused on the screen with his song on it. Haruka would kill her if she actually played it. She clicked the side of the screen and it returned to black.
"Just Naru. My mom missed her coming over-", Her mother had begged her to pick up her phone and answer her friends calls—and she had repeatedly told her she would—eventually. They had resorted to her landline when she ignored their calls. She had sent them all different versions of the same message: that her mom was nagging her to study and prep for final exams.
That finicky feeling fluttered in her chest again.
Liar. I'm lying to people that care about me the most.
"My parents are so focused on me going to university after all the tests I've flunked. I don't want to let anyone down."
They're all just worried about me.
"-I've been meaning to start back up the study group with the girls." This was the first time in a month she had even thought of it.
"Good." Haruka bought her response, her eyes clear and blue again.
Usagi leaned back and pushed the drink aside, a smile lighting up her face, "Great actually! But really I got to get tickets to see your next race! Where do they even sell them?"
"The next one is actually in Thailand, if you ace your finals, I'll give you a pair of tickets for you and Naru to come."
From then Haruka never pushed further, just called every weekend-almost immediately after Mamoru at times-to make sure she was still good, and however different she seemed to be or whatever secret she may have been hiding was an acceptable change to Haruka. Afterall, none of the inner scouts knew anything about her human past. Did she even have a family when she was reincarnated? Did Michiru? The outer scouts had never offered the information and they had never asked.
She let out another sigh.
Not everything had to be known, some secrets were meant to protect others. She was protecting them.
The engine cutting off brought her back to the street before her. Today, Haruka was not her para-social worker, but her personal escort to her birthday party.
"You're on time. I had planned on answering a few emails during the wait. Happy Birthday, Neko," she said.
The hard exterior Usagi had been building suddenly relaxed at the use of the pet name. Haruka exercised a kind of exclusive protection over her inner circle that made one feel softer under her gaze. She was the only scout, well her and by extension Michiru and Setsuna, who knew of her studies into politics, her feeble urge to somewhat prepare for a thousand year exam.
It was exactly six in the evening, so she must have assumed that she was still the ever-tardy old version of herself and asked her to come outside earlier. Usagi locked the front gate behind her with a smile, happiness from surprising the seasoned scout overcoming her agitation at her being late.
Haruka popped the trunk and closed it with an arm behind her back. She took the pink duffle and in exchange she presented her princess with a bouquet. A dozen sweet corn colored roses appeared, just a shade darker than Haruka's hair.
A similar bouquet had shown up on Usagi's doorstep that morning. Bright red roses with a simple note 'Happy Birthday, Usako'' attached.
It was kind of him.
She wanted to take a break and instead he took a break from talking about their impending royal status, filling their time with topics from class, to American culture, to Boston's obsession with coffee and something called "Dunkin' Donuts". To him his death-for the second time-was something they didn't talk about, and so their relationship remained unchanged, if not stronger to him now that the path to their wedding was clear. To her, something had died with him the last time and crystalized her love from him in a way that kept it not quite alive, but somewhere safe where it wouldn't hurt her as much to not have him beside her. They still texted "Good Night" at the end of every day and "I love you" at the end of every call. She had everything stripped away from her in the last battle and saw an alternative, Sailor Cosmos, who had shown her there was a world in which there were more battles still, more to gain all to just to lose it all again. It had created a bottom to what once felt like endless love.
Their talks were still nice though. It was nice to hear about a culture so different on the other side of the world. It was a part of a very formulaic long-distance routine. Not romantic, but very informational.
There was a relief that there were only flowers that she could put in the corner of her room and the back of her mind, not a living, breathing, partner she would have to keep up with and hide her splits from. Last she remembered they still sat on the kitchen table. She would have to thank Mamoru for them during their next scheduled weekend call.
"It's not even until tomorrow," she sighed into the petals. She buried her face in the roses and inhaled deeply. The smell of flora had always pacified her.
Haruka smiled, "Is it ever too early to give a girl flowers?" She stored Usagi's luggage in the trunk and turned to her princess.
"The only rule Michiru ever gave me for my cars is that she's the only one who could ever sit beside me in them," she opened the door and gestured grandly to the passenger seat, "But on the princess's one and only seventeenth birthday, she granted me this one-time allowance."
Usagi's eyes twinkled a bit, and she blinked back her admiration to settle into a calm expression, "I won't forget to thank her tonight."
Haruka was careful to pull away from the house slowly. A parent in many ways, she was sure one of Usagi's formal guardians was behind the parted curtains on the first floor.
"Seatbelt on Princess."
Despite her best efforts, Usagi's cheeks were still rosy as they drove off into the sunset.
"Yes ma'am."
A setting sun reminded her that night would soon come. The zip of caffeine from the black coffee she had gagged down before she left the house was wearing off.
Sleep was already gnawing at her eyes.
The corners of her lips curled upwards to distract a sigh slipping through. It was going to be a long night. She hummed "FYEO" into the wind. Recalling the lyrics kept her mind busy—present, yet distracted.
Once on the highway, Haruka pressed her white Prada loafers on the gas and caressed the steering wheel as it vibrated in response.
With ease, she cut in front of another car as they raced down the speedway.
The gray box apartments of central Tokyo gave way to trees, space, and privacy only affordable to those of Michiru's and Haruka's status. The road tightened into a path that weaved through forest enclaves. Miles of green hid the city carved out only an hour away behind them.
Sitting aside one of Tokyo's most famous racecar drivers, en route to one of Architectural Japan's top five best designed homes was the dream of many girls her age, many girls older as well. Usagi leaned back and let the wind whip through her hair. Naru's words echoed in her head.
"You have the whole world in your hands."
The key had barely turned the lock when the door swung open with such a force that Haruka stumbled forward.
"SURPRISE!" announced Minako and it was soon echoed by the rest of the inner and outer senshi in a disjointed chorus. In the middle of the staggered cheer, lights flickered on and pink confetti exploded. Falling dots flecked the scene of sailor soldiers lining hallway walls that opened up into the rest of the mansion.
Usagi noted the absence of Hotaru who was back with Professor Tomoe.
Quickly, Minako filled the space by Usagi's side as she looped her arm through hers and tugged the princess down toward the back of the house. She laced their fingers together and squeezed. Usagi tensed and relaxed when her vision remained singular. No splits, at least not yet. Minako's celestial power surrounded her with an orange halo.
Had Usagi never noticed it before?
The reincarnation of the Princess Venus, who's power of love could be felt by her mere presence, squeezed Usagi's hand again and she instantly felt her mind swaddled in affection.
"Were you at least a little bit surprised?", her eyes were filled with hope.
"A little!", it was a lie, but one they were all in on.
Setsuna from her usual place in the front chuckled, "Minako, do you really think she didn't guess this was happening?"
"Well—," Usagi started.
"Well duh!" Mina snapped, "But I still have to ask! It gives it a certain johnny says quan!"
"Je ne sais quoi." Artemis corrected. The housecat and guardian expertly darted through eight pairs of legs and cut through the open floor living room towards the back deck.
"Exactly," Minako giggled.
Usagi turned her head back toward the hallway at the sound of a vacuum. Ami had stayed behind to quickly clean up the confetti. The water senshi looked like a sprite as she swept. The chiffon of her navy blue dress shimmered in waves against her knees. Cornflower blue morning glories bloomed from a belt that knotted into a bow behind her.
Still in the throes of the whirlwind that was Minako, she noticed that all of the girls wore shades of blue. Even Artemis was wearing a little blue bow tie around his neck as he waited by the patio doors.
Makoto, who had disappeared into the kitchen as the confetti fell, reappeared drying her hands on her white apron wrapped in the front of the navy slip dress. She grabbed Usagi's free hand and brought her in for a quick, hard hug. "Happy birthday, Usagi," she whispered lovingly. Her body was luminescent with green light. All of the occupants of the house glowed, leaning Usagi to wonder if they saw the same glow emanating from her.
Usagi looked around nervously, "Was there a theme I was supposed to dress for?" Luckily her hands were occupied, otherwise her index finger would have already started digging into the flesh of her thumb.
She wore a pale cotton yellow spaghetti strapped dress with a sweetheart neckline. It hugged her tiny waist and flared out at her hips, ending right below her fingertips.
Rei grumbled under her breath, "Minako, I can't believe you were right. She really did wear yellow."
At the mention of her name, Minako promptly unhooked herself and stood in the middle of the two double-wide oak doors that led to the Outer trio's sprawling garden. "That's all she wears these days. She's our incredibly tanned ray of sunshine!"
"Who we hope is wearing sunscreen!" Ami called from the hallway.
Usagi sighed internally. Last week, Minako had stopped her on the way home, jogging after her at the school gates in her Varsity Volleyball uniform.
"No plans for next weekend? It's been ages since I've seen you at the arcade. I'm like this close to beating your high score on Sailor V. You should come by some time", she spoke in one rush of air and braced her hands on her upper thigh. "My gosh, I swear you never walked so fast before!"
Usagi, already yawning, smiled sheepishly. "I've been trying to get home and get ahead on finals material so my Mom gets off my back." It was a lie, one of many. Just last week, her mom had swung open her door and demanded she leave the property instead of reading on her balcony.
Mina waved her excuse off and clasped her shoulders. "If you won't come to the arcade, come to Haruka and Michiru's. You can even bring your books so you can study!"
Someone in the distance called her and she turned to wave. "Ok! We have a game today so I've got to run. Come visit some time, even Ami brings the computer club to watch. They're not the loudest but it's the thought that's counting!"
"Be ready at 6pm on Friday! Haruku will pick you up!" followed by five orange hearts appeared on her phone the next day. Now, the former princess of Venus turned so her back was facing away from the group and grabbed both of the handcrafted glass door knobs that Setsuna had picked up antiquing.
"Now that everyone—including our guest of honor—is all on here! And in honor of future Neo-Queen Serenity's seventeenth birthday being at midnight tonight. I present to you, the birthday dinner, inspired by Leonardo de Vinci's Starry Night!"
With a great flourish, the doors swung open to reveal a transformed backyard. A long white wooden table was swathed in blue hydrangeas and baby's breath. Yellow plates adorned with silk cream napkins and golden chopsticks perched behind handwritten name cards that displayed the planet to represent where each Sailor Scout would sit. Sky blue pillows lined each side of the table and were washed in warm shadows cast by ochre lanterns that were tucked in the wall of shrubbery that enclosed the backyard.
Makoto was first through the doors. She cleared her throat and wiped her hands on the front of her dress again, "Tonight, we are going to France…by way of Japan!"
Usagi's eyes glittered with the beginning of tears. They had really improved themselves from the birthday pizza party that was interrupted by a random youma attack last year. The scene before her seemed like it was ripped from one of the pages of manga now collecting dust under her desk.
Dinner was Makoto's best work. In gold serving bowls that matched plates almost too pretty to eat off of, they feasted on seared duck, foie gras, and fresh loaves of French bread accompanied by typical Japanese sides: sticky rice and pickled veggies.
Gestures were all they needed as they fell into the comfort of old habits. Before Chaos, they would have weekly scout meetings, usually split between the shrine and Usagi's living room. There, they dissected new developments of their enemies and proposed countermeasures.
Other times they were just highschool girls. Rei dictated all of the people who were participating in that season's musical and Minako shared the latest gossip with Ami interjecting to confirm which was actually true and which snippets were just hearsay propagated by their class.
Makoto, who's joy for cooking was only matched by her joy of watching others eating her food, was the last to be filled as she watched her friends indulge.
"You've outdone yourself!", Michuru said from the opposite side of the table. Her and Haruka looked like proud parents. Usagi saw their shoulders brushing against each other as they ate.
As soon as Haruka had entered their home, they were never far from each other. Haruka's hand braced Michirus back as they talked, though Usagi had never seen the violinist have anything short of perfect posture. Like her Haruka had seen the love of this life, and the life before die right in front of her. Unlike her, she seemed even deeper in love now than before.
Michiru raised her wine glass and the others followed. They were still mostly seventeen and allowed a maximum of two glasses each.
Makoto blushed, "It's hard not to be my best with a kitchen like yours."
It was true, Michiru, Haruka, and Setsuna had been the perfect hosts, speaking to everyone at the table, complimenting the food. Michelle explained the wine, and Haruka let Makoto take a sip from her glass of whiskey.
On the opposite side of the dinner party Usagi couldn't help but straighten up. It was not a foreign scene at all: her protectors and also the protected, surrounding her at the table. The lanterns gave everyone an ethereal glow, they were a table of eight, and yet the feeling of intimacy hung around them. The smell of their secrets clung to them like perfume, encompassing them in their own little world. Each of them glowed with the color of their planetary guides.
The lives they shared between them were more than enough to stretch a millennia.
Usagi could feel the wetness return to the corners of her eyes. She hadn't always felt lucky, yet in this room she certainly felt loved.
Seven sisters were before her and even though the weight of destiny was a heavy one, it was a weight they shared.
She let her forearm touch Mina's as they ate and the scout turned and rested her head on her shoulder as they both listened to Rei talk about the premise for the big Spring recital. Usagi leaned her head on top of hers, hesitant but not afraid of her touch.
The first time she had suffered from a split was only a week after the Starlights had left. Usagi had tripped in front of Ami while walking into class and when the soldier of water grabbed her she saw Ami, the highschooler, and then the image Princess Ami of Mercury superimposed onto her friend. Her outreached hand had a transparent double in floor length blue gown. In another blink, the princess was gone.
The next time wasn't until two weeks later. She was playing a game with Minako at the arcade and when they high fived Minako had split into two versions of herself. On the left was her bubby, sweet friend. On the right was a dead Sailor Venus. The overgrown vines from D-point that killed her in the battle of Queen Metallia were still colliding around her bruised throat. Usagi had skittered out of her chair onto the floor blaming her outburst on a nonexistent spider.
It was shortly after that she called to pause their weekly meetings. With them missing so much school from the fighting and without a present enemy she had persuaded them to have a brief hiatus. The brief pause was extended until winter, then for spring exams, and now creeped into summer. No one had contested too hard to bring them back, their schedules quickly filling up with school and club activities.
She breathed in the sweet fruit scent of Minako's hair.
The future was an ocean, known, yet still having an impossible depth. At times she felt like it drowned her, but instead it was the scouts that anchored her, even in times like these when she felt like she could suddenly be swept away. Their love, it buoyed her. Seeing them so happy, so weightless, lifted her.
It had been exhausting trying to avoid the inevitable, and simultaneously imaginary, next battle, while also studying hard for a college degree she would never need and may or may not use.
Here in the company of her inner circle, the hurt shrank a bit-a chemical reaction caused by good friends and good company. Or maybe Minako's powers were spilling over a bit. Either way it was like soaking into a hot bath.
The feeling continued. Golden chopsticks clinked and scraped at bowls and Makoto floated on the buoy of compliments that multiplied with every bite. Maybe it was safe to share her little secret. What were the splits in the face of everything they had been through?
Minako lifted her head from its position on Usagi's shoulder. "Mako-chan you've really outdone yourself, and it's not just the food, you're glowing."
Makoto clutched her hands under the table. "It's nothing really. Food tastes better when you're eating it with those you care about." She smoothed the skirt of her dress and placed her chopsticks neatly on top of her bowl, "There's another reason I've been so happy lately. Happier than usual-I mean. I've been meaning to tell you all…I got a scholarship opportunity to go to Paris for an internship."
Compliments poured forth.
"Makoto in Paris. Oh, it sounds like a romantic coming of age film I would definitely watch", Minako said.
Rei lifted her cup, "That deserves a toast!" At her declaration, all glasses were raised.
Mina chimed in, "—And I would like to add to the good news! I made it to the third round of the talent search with my Sailor V re-enactment which means during the summer I'll be able to compete in the final round," she created a small drumroll with her chopsticks on her bowl, "In Osaka!"
Another round of applause ripped through the table and the announcements kept coming. Ami was going on a medical aid trip with her mother to Okinawa Island, Rei was off to Kyoto to visit the traditional temples with her grandpa while Yuichiro watched the shrine. Everyone was off to go somewhere. Do something.
Usagi clasped her hands in front of half in adoration of her friends and in a prayer for herself.
"That's so exciting! For all of you!", Her lips curved, her face crinkled, but blank blue eyes looked back at them.
It was all too new and too exciting.
Her brain twitched under the weight of information shared. Naru to Dubai, Makoto to Paris, Minako to Osaka, everyone to everywhere and she…back to her room? Back to sleep as soon as the sunset and waiting for the next worst thing to happen? Her breath quickened and her heart tightened as it sped to a faster pulse.
She grabbed the wooden table, felt the wood splinter under fingers, and quickly released it.
Keep Positive.
Suddenly she was aware of the headache forming in her temples. The moon was high in the sky and her energy dropped like a lead weight.
"I'm so proud of you all," she whispered. A bitter taste climbed in her throat.
She grabbed the hands of the two closest to her and squeezed for extra reassurance. Her headache eased a bit. "We need to schedule another dinner so I can hear all your stories when you come back."
The pain in her eyelids dulled.
The meal continued and Usagi put on her best performance. Her mind recollected how she had acted before. It was a terrible idea to bring down the mood news about her splits. Everyone would cancel their plans.
A laugh fell from her lips when it was supposed to. A question here or there about any upcoming races for Haruka. What new charms Rei's grandpa was cooking up to drum up traffic at the shrine. Setsuna's research.
Autopilot Usagi was easy to call forth, though it was harder with everyone all at once. It had been a long time since they'd all been together.
Luna, who now had a part-time residency with Mina and Artemis, slinked between Usagi and Rei, "Your mother was talking about taking a family trip to Mount Fuji with your Dad. Wouldn't that be nice? Minako would be able to go with you."
Usagi sat down and stared up at the night sky, which thankfully remained in this timeline instead merging with Princess Serenity's memories. "Or maybe even a bit farther away…", she said more to the stars than Luna. She started to hum again and Seiya's voice echoed in her mind. A lyric from "For Your Ears Only" came to her, 'I know I'll see you again. So I'll save all my worries until the day after tomorrow.
She had taken the worries of all her lives and carried them with her each day. And to what end?
Minako interrupted her thoughts, "Do you know when you will be back? I made sure that no more than two of us are gone at a time. So we've covered all of our bases!" Minako added, proud of her forward planning.
Usagi opened her lips to respond and then suddenly cocked her head to the side. The announcements were not new to the senshi, they were new to her.
"Minako-" Rei swatted her immediately but it was too late. It was clear that they had organized even their accomplishments around a set schedule so she wouldn't be alone. Or would be under their watch.
Her mouth suddenly went dry and her blood ran hot. She concentrated on the curved wood of the table, splintered from where she grabbed it. The cool air of the backyard. The cold tickle of the grass under her feet.
It was fine. It was fine. Everyone had secrets, she was just the only one who felt guilty about hers.
She could feel her eyes on her, "It's sweet! That's thoughtful of you all."
It was a lie, but then again lying had become a skill she had had to develop when she became one of the most powerful figures in the Universe. Hiding a secret life from their families and friends, didn't come with the levity of the truth.
Small talk resurfaced and the conversation lulled back to life as she felt the fatigue return.
She rubbed her eyes and the images from her dream flicked. An endless sea of stars. The landscape stretched in all directions. The sky looked like a beautiful shade of black velvet. It didn't look like Japan. It didn't even look like it was on this planet.
She had seen this place. No that wasn't it. None of her lives had been there, but she had heard it described to her before. She took a deep breath. In the dream she smelled a deep spice, a clove…or incense?
This wasn't a split. It was a singular memory. But why was it coming to her now?
Kinmoku?
Was that where she had dreamed of?
She looked at the table, for a moment their evening dresses changed into silk gowns of their respective kingdoms, their planetary signs flashed on their foreheads. She couldn't help it and groaned loudly as a sudden migraine sprung to life. In another blink they were back to normal, sitting in the awkward silence her pain had caused.
Her fingers went to the spot on forehead where the crescent moon usually tingled. There was nothing, and yet she felt strengthened. Maybe it was her two of her allotted glasses of alcohol coursing through her veins.
"You ok?" Mina rubbed her shoulder and when she removed her hand Usagi's skin shimmered orange. She felt better. Was she actively using her powers to calm her?
"Just thinking about an extra credit assignment I forgot was due Monday." It was becoming too easy to lie to her friends, the one group of people she never hid anything from.
Her mind folded back to the vision. It was different. It wasn't a split. It meant something. She felt the pull towards it. It was telling her to go….somewhere.
Absent-mindedly, she grabbed Minako's wine glass as hers was already empty.
Her mind continued to race. And instead of grounding she let it free.
Destinies changed. She was more powerful now. She had defeated Galaxia. Defeated Chaos. Fuck—she had defeated death. She could leave Tokyo right now if she wanted too Leave Japan. Visit Dubai. She didn't even have to fly. She could teleport!
Her mind was racing through places she had never been and destinations she'd never considered. She could take Luna to Planet Mau. She could go to visit Reika in Africa, zip through the Milky Way in the time it would take her Dad to get home in Tokyo traffic.
She took the last gulp from her third glass.
Her feet caught up to her thoughts and she found herself standing as the rest of the party felt unusually tired. "I have an announcement!"
Usagi glanced at her phone under the table, it wasn't even ten. She was usually deeply asleep by now. Her migraine had been quick, thankfully, but it would come back without rest. She stifled a yawn before standing up. Closing ceremonies would have to start a little earlier than usual.
An awkwardness lingered from Minako's accidental confession, presenting her with an unusually attentive audience. "Firstly, I want to thank all of you for hosting all of this. Michiru, I promise we'll clean up before we sleep." This earned a laugh from the group and she felt the tension in her shoulders slack. The anger from before cooled to a mere annoyance. How could she be mad they had done what she asked them to? Thoroughly enjoy what they all knew was their limited time as civilians. As normal people.
"This past year was—long. And I'm ready for a peaceful summer. Maybe I'll go on a trip myself too!"
Her knees locked to steady herself. Her wine glass was now empty from all the toasting, but she was sure to enclose her hand around the glass, licking a drop from her thumb before she started her speech.
"Secondly! Thank you for this dinner, this party, your time, the decorations, the presentation, the food." She paused to burp into her fist, "The food!"
That was the Usagi they remembered. The one from before.
Another laugh followed. "I am so proud of you all. I am so happy you are my friends. And I, too, think I should go on a trip next month when summer break starts."
The group cheered immediately. Ami was the first to ask once the applause died down. "And where will you go?"
"I don't know yet." She rocked back on her heels and looked up at the starry night sky. It was the night of a full moon. Her mother's planet was high above her head, casting her light blonde hair in a veil of silver.
A leather clad sailor scout flashed in her mind.
"Somewhere different. I've been feeling like I want to go somewhere far. Another place. I don't know ...maybe another planet."
The air was still. Luna put a soft paw on Usagi's ankle, beckoning her to sit down—she remained standing. "Another planet?"
Silence fell on them like a weight. The mirth in the air had been snuffed out. In Usagi's eyes she saw their kaleidoscope of emotions: confusion, comedy, and concern.
"Just kidding right?", Mina nervously chuckled.
The planet part had slipped out. Usagi's eyes looked to the sky. Her neck stretched backwards as if her mind was elsewhere. Had there always been so many stars? They shined like a million jewels. Their lights called out to her. Her lips parted in response.
Rei rubbed her fingers together, missing the comfort of her praying beads. Her eyebrows furrowed in concern and her lips twisted into a frown.
"Well where are you going?", she asked. Her arms now fully crossed over her chest. Whenever she had meditated over the state of Tokyo everything had seemed at peace. Her fire had shown her images of Usagi either asleep or studying, clearly something else was amiss.
"Well?", she repeated.
"I don't know yet."
Her answer launched the scouts into a full inquisition.
"Another planet? Back to the moon?"
"But there's nothing there!"
"Well if not there, then where?"
"I don't know, she didn't say!"
"Well let her say!"
"Well she's not saying anything!"
Usagi's head lowered so she could see them. Their images flickered from their royal uniform and back. She looked back to the sky. A knot tightened in her stomach and she could feel a dampness start at the small of her back. Well it turned out she could still sweat. Even if it was only due to nerves.
Usagi places to fingers at each temple and drew in a deep breath, "I'm going-"
Haruka set down her glass with a force that quieted the rest of the group. They all turned to her with expectation and she cleared her throat and waited until Usagi dropped her gaze from above to see the night in her eyes, images of Sailor Uranus, Princess Uranus, and Haruka swapped like someone was casually flipping the channel in her mind.
Haruka's voice cut through the visions, "Well we wouldn't advise you to go anywhere by yourself."
"Advise or permit?" Usagi questioned Haruka, yet her eyes were looking past them. This split looked less like a memory. All versions of them looked real. The sense of déjà vu was so strong it made her dizzy.
Haruka released her other arm from around Michiru's shoulder and folded her fingers in front of her and let out a puff of air just short of a laugh.
Usagi took a deep breath, dropping her hands to her sides so abruptly her wine glass dropped and rolled a few inches away in the grass. She focused on Haruka and stared hard enough so she could discern the image of Princess Uranus as fake. Haruka was there, sitting crosslegged in a silk navy button up and tan slacks.
Her hands balled up into fists and then relaxed. "I do not need permission."
They were all seated and even with Luna pawing at her ankles, Usagi would not sit down.
Her body felt more alive than it had in weeks. Her palms were moist with sweat, and she willed herself to resist the urge to wipe them on her dress. She needed to be confident. To be the new Usagi, even if the new one was losing a bit of her mind. Her breath remained forcefully slow, still deciding between fight or flight.
Setsuna looked at Haruka's hand which had begun to tap a steady beat onto the table. The band Michiru and she shared glimmered on her ring finger as her pointer continued to beat. It was a habit she did whenever she was frustrated. Haruka was counting down.
"It is advice I am offering", she swept her hand outward, gesturing to the rest of the scouts, "on behalf of your Sailor Guardians—", Haruka was launching into a lecture that was falling on deaf ears.
Now, the beating of her head was second only to her heart. There would always be a big bad, a lurking enemy. She had known when she had scattered Chaos into the corner of every universe. She had known that eventually it would gather and manifest again. She had known and tried to forget and her body remembered her. Remembered too much. All at once.
There was always a great evil and they had defeated it. They were there and they weren't there. They hadn't seen Sailor Cosmos. She had met all three iterations of herself, she had seen her final form, and surpassed it.
"—I know we're in a time of peace, but that should not give way to reason, princess. As Sailor Guardians that is exactly what we must do, guard", Haruka continued. Usagi had missed the middle portion of her speech.
She had a millenia to be their queen, and only a few summers left to be herself. She looked down at her feet again. Her bare toes curled in the grass. Maybe Neo-Queen. Whoever that was.
"—If you chose to go, I'm sure Setsuna or Michiru can find the time to—"
"—I need to go alone."
Haruka gritted her teeth. An usually strong breeze blew through the backyard.
It was the clearest thought that had occurred to her in months. She would go to that place in her dreams, and that's where her answers would be. When she came back she would reveal it all. She would tell them about the changes with her body, her mind, and they would solve whatever new mystery lay in between them and their future.
They were all staring at her. Comedy had gone. Confusion and concern had filled the space it left.
Makoto cocked her neck to the side, "Alone?"
"Alone." Her hands clasped in front of her in a form similar to praying. "I've been your princess for the last three years and I'll be your queen for the next thousand…if not longer. It's just now I'm trying to be the best version of Ikuko and Kenji's daughter, Shingo's sister, Naru's friend—and I'm barely even doing that right!" Her voice broke and she grabbed her head. What had started in a whisper had ended in a yell.
Haruka had both her hands on the picnic table as if to stand but Minako had beaten her to it. Haruka had warned her that as the leader of the inner scouts she was letting Usagi stray too far, it hurt her to think that maybe she had been right. She knew after Chaos Usagi had been different, quieter, maybe even a little before. Her princess had needed space and now it felt like there was too much of it between them all.
"You have been alone. We've seen it. No scout meetings, no manga club, no Crown Arcade after school, no movies on the weekend. We love you. We miss you. We're just worried about you." Her voice was soft and tender. Her palms overlapped flat against her stomach. Her eyes pleaded.
Usagi's vision blurred with tears. How could she tell them? How good it felt to not think about scout business? How good it felt to be away from it all, even if it meant being away from them?
"I promise you will have a milenia with me. I just want a minute. I need a minute. Away from everything that has happened in Tokyo, this place…this place was beginning to feel like a mausoleum."
A hot tear rolled down her cheek and she cursed herself inwardly for crying. She was nobody's crybaby anymore. That was the old her.
She pressed on through the tears, "—And aren't you tired? So tired of worrying? I've been worrying. Worrying over things that have happened and may happen. Worrying so much that I haven't stopped worrying every second of every day. I just need a little time by myself." Her eyes searched for any agreement in her friend's eyes.
There was none.
They were silent. Her head began to pulse again with the effect of split, coupled with fatigue.
It was already so late. She was surprised she hadn't passed out in the grass as soon as the moon peeked from behind the clouds. She'd been slinking in the background trying not to garner any attention from possible enemies, and as a result had pulled back from her definite allies. Now she was there, present, alert, less scared of the possible truth than she had been living a certain lie.
Her bare feet dug into the blanket below and she steadied herself. "Maybe we're finally at the part where nothing else is happening—"
"It's unlikely", Ami intercepted.
"And naive to believe things would be different," Rei added.
Usagi took a deep breath and continued, "Is it really so wrong to believe they should? I am grateful for you all, for standing guard."
This will be the only time I'll have. Until forever begins.
"I am telling you I need a little time. If only for a weekend."
Then maybe the splits will go away. Or I'll have to come back and tell them I'm losing my mind.
She stared at the whisky glass, now empty, that Haruka was tapping impatiently with her finger as Michiru squeezed her wrist. Usagi continued, "If the future is secure. Setsuna wouldn't be here if it wasn't, right? I mean she would have felt something in the gates. It's secure enough that she's not guarding them forever. Stuck there."
"Assigned there", Setsuna interrupted.
"Assigned there for an eternity. Time is so vast and yet we have so little of it left." She gestured to the group, her arms stretching out to each end, "We have so little of this left. So I think we can be a little…flexible. I think we can try. Think of the past: the care of the time gates were assigned to a child. Past Queen Serenity—my mother gave the time key to a child! Was that reasonable? I think we have the ability to make our own rules, if only while we still can."
Setsuna's head lowered and her voice turned wistful. "It was an honor given to me by your mother. A decision I would never change, as is my duty as Sailor Pluto."
Usagi stared at Setsuna. Her figure flickered between the preteen child who had first guarded the time gates and the human woman before her. She couldn't have been older than ChibiUsa earthly age when she was given the responsibility of securing the future. Usagi steadied her gaze, this time her voice didn't waver when Setsuna's body settled onto her present form, "Says who?"
The table erupted once more in a series of counters.
"But there must be checks and balances Usagi-"
"Outside the city I can understand? The planet?"
"—Just because we can…"
Usagi's finger carved crescent moons in the flesh of her palms. Why couldn't she leave if she wanted? Escape, even for a moment. This is what she got for diverting from the old Usagi. This is what she got for sharing. Now she had even more reason to go, she would get answers for herself.
"Neko, what would Mamoru say?" Haruka countered.
"And what could he say? He's halfway across the world! By himself I might add—"
"He's studying to be King", Ami said.
"Of Physics?!", Usagi shouted, her voice was shrill.
In another time their comments would have grounded her. She would have laughed with them and scratched the soft top of her head, apologizing for the commotion. In another time their words would have felt like weights, each comment a stone on her shoulders, bending her towards reason. This was not like the other times.
In her past life she whisked herself from the moon palace to an earthen kingdom in less time than it took to finish an afternoon theology lesson. She wasn't asking for permission, she was giving notice. She scanned the table again and furrowed brows countered her, their lips parted and ready to refute, arms crossed.
The warm feeling of dinner had long passed; a chill now descended. She was losing the argument. Worse, she was losing their trust. They would never let her go, Mount Fuji wasn't even looking like an option anymore.
She sighed, "I don't want to cause all this alarm, but in this life we've been a bit more flexible with the rules. Senshi weren't even allowed to be in relationships, especially not with each other. Yet here we are in Setsuna, Michiru and Haruka's house. We've…evolved."
Haruka scoffed, "Neko, these are different situations, the former of which has never impacted our duties. It is your duty to protect this planet, and our duty to protect you—especially while the prince is away."
The first thing she would do is throw away the damn roses when she got back. Usagi squeezed her eyes shut and when she opened them she was on the other side of the garden back at the patio door. Still untransformed.
The scouts' heads whipped to her new position.
"And I can protect myself", Usagi said.
Now Rei stood up, "Usagi, this tantrum has gone way too far. We are all walking a tightrope to get to the Crystal Tokyo we've been working towards. Anything action we make in the present can cause a spark that burns that dream down. Your safety is everyone's priority. The enemy—-"
"All I did was inform you of the thought of going somewhere else. I could have gone to Shanghai in less time it took me to get here. I am not your child. I am not your kitten."
Ami folded and unfolded her hands. She had half a mind to scan her friend's brain waves right now with her supercomputer, if not for the fear that it would escalate the situation. The scout wrapped her hands around a glass of water to calm herself, "We all have a duty to protect this planet, and to protect you. That's what these protocols are for, for the security of our present'', she looked at Usagi with soft eyes, "for our future."
Usagi laughed. It was bubbly, carefree even. It bounced off the tension like water on plastic.
"Protocol? Plans? Is that really what we want?" Her gaze turned upward toward the night sky. The stars twinkled back at her, "What if I want something different?"
Now everyone was standing. The little that was left of the food was cold. Makoto called out across the backyard, "Usagi, what is this really about? What's going on?"
"It feels like something I have to do, before I don't have a chance to do anything", she replied.
They wouldn't understand her dream about the stars. They didn't understand what was happening to her. Her decision, even if it was made five minutes ago, felt like the right one. It was an incomplete idea, yes, but there was something familiar in that sky. Whether it was Kinmoku or somewhere else. It called to her.
Rei rounded the table towards her, "You're life is down here with us. Who do you even know on another plan—" her jaw dropped and her lips parted and then flattened into a thin line. "You better not even dream of seeing them again. Seeing him." Her voice slithered into something between fear and anger, "That is not being alone."
The eyeball glass broke in Haruka's clenched fist. A strong gust shook the bushes that hedged the garden. It picked up speed, lifting up the skirts of the napkins on the table, bending the grass.
It wasn't about him. It was a dream! It was going somewhere else! It was doing something else. Even if it was, it wasn't just about him. It was about going somewhere else. It was not about being with him. It was about not being here.
Ignoring the wind, she rambled on, raising her voice, shouting from the porch across a small ocean of manicured grass. "I can make my own decisions. I've made my own decision. They're my friends! I know what's best for myself and if I want to go I can—"
"Enough," Haruka repeated. She took a step towards her and the wind strengthened. The senshi of Uranus was the eye of the storm now.
Chopsticks rattled against bowls. The lanterns dangled from their dainty hooks. Sestuna and Makota held down the table runner that whipped on either end of the table.
Not a hair moved on Usagi's head.
"It's not enough. It's never going to be enough. There have been more drastic measures. Some of us here tried to kill Hotaru for Selene's sake. Plans do and can change!"
"Usagi, I said enough!" Two long strides brought her face to face with Usagi. Even from the princess' position on the porch, she was not taller than the guardian of air.
Blue crashed with blue. Neither side conceded.
The wind howled around the garden. The lanterns flickered. Ami and Minako held onto the napkins and cutlery that threatened to be swept up in the madness of it all.
Michiru yelled to her lover's back, "Haruka!"
Blood stained Haruka's palms from her slamming the whiskey glass, but the cuts had already healed. "Haruka," Michiru repeated, quieter now.
The air smelled of sea salt.
"Neko. Please," she whispered.
Usagi raised her hand as if to touch the soldier's chest. The air changed direction. Haruka took a step back, eyes wide.
The wind stopped. The trees recovered their posture. Haruka's shoulders tensed and sagged.
"A queen. My queen would never support this behavior." She stepped back to rub her temples and the rest of the senshi came into view.
Faces stricken with confusion and even worse hurt looked back at her. She turned to her friends. Half of them were looking down at the table, others anywhere but her direction. Ami had her face buried in her napkin.
Luna took a tentative step toward her. Her ears pressed flat against her head in something worse than anger: disappointment.
Guilt crushed from all sides, quickly followed by the fatigue that had patiently waited on the other side of her anger. She stuttered, suddenly feeling an ocean away from them. Her feet felt like lead. Her protest seemed no more than a tantrum. She grabbed at her head, the migraine like a fire alarm bell beating against her skull, "I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm not feeling well. I need to lie down."
She turned and ran into the house.
An alarm blared from Minako's phone and was quickly shut off. The clock read midnight.
"Happy Birthday", Minako whispered.