Somebody To Love
Stay positive and happy, work hard, and don't give up hope
The wedding was everything they'd wanted all the family and their friends had made the trip to the hotel for the weekend, despite the reckless shenanigans they'd all got up to on the Friday evening before when Finn had thrown Rachel in the pool for being a pain and Tina and Mike had been caught by Santana's mom having sex in the garden house.
Sam's mom had gotten drunk for the first time in history and given them all the laugh they needed, while Mercy's dad tried his hand at being the musical muse of the family stopping the DJ just to sing his wife a rendition of something he said was her favourite song while she sat holding her ears along with everyone else.
The whole weekend was full of little events that had made the whole thing memorable and now four years later they were still finding things about it to laugh about. Which was a blessing in disguise when they had to face the reality they were living now.
The first two years they'd agreed was theirs, they'd been in the business for eight years and thought by the time they got to 30 they'd be ready to settle down a bit and start their family. On Mercy's birthday they slowed everything down, removed contraceptives and started the task of making their family. For twenty twelve months they'd been trying religiously, until a few months ago when it became clear to them it was going to be difficult, and then they'd decided to get some expert advice.
Of course, she felt guilty when the doctor told them that her infertility was unexplained, but they went into action, she started off with all the natural treatments, their parents came up with all sorts of herbs, teas, changing her diet, supplements, meditation, they even visited a holistic healer, no stone was left unturned. When those didn't work they turned back to the medical profession, trying acupuncture, IUI, and even IVF over the past five month, and no matter how much they threw at it all, nothing worked. The whole thing drained them physically, emotionally and for Mercy psychologically too, they'd just been through a rough month after the second IVF failed and decided that the way forward for them was to learn to live their best life together rather than to carry on down what seemed to be quickly becoming slippery road.
They'd taken some time to themselves, but this weekend was going to be another eventful one, they were making the journey to tell their parents and friends their decision, they knew how much of their life had hinged on having a family and like them their family and friends had put all their eggs in that one basket.
"Got everything?" Sam asked opening the door to their home in The Hills, they'd made the timing short of a reason, it wasn't a happy occasion, and they didn't really want to dwell on things, just deliver the message and get out of there
"I have" Mercy smiled walking through the door "Are you sure about this?"
"Positive" he smiled locking up before opening the car door for her to get in "Are you?"
"Yes" she smiled before he closed the door
"Let's do this" he sat in the car and started singing along to the song blasting out "You like this one" he smiled trying the cheer her up as the next song started "Come on" he nudged her grinning when she gave him her don't mess with me look "Please" he frowned
"Sam" she moaned
"I know, but if you don't laugh you'll cry, and I don't want you to" he looked at her "Pretty please?"
"Just this once, because it's your and it's infectious" she giggled at him singing along to 'Hopelessly' by Tyrone Wells (adapted)
Sam: I got it bad and there's just one remedy, I can hardly breathe cause I'm in so deep
Got her on my mind each day, on rewind and play, it's pulling me under
Mercy: I got it bad and I don't know how to sleep, had me from the drop now I just can't stop
Got him on my mind all night like a blinding light, in every colour
Both: Everything that you do, gets me all tangled up, I should probably run, but I want you too much
Lately it's been useless I'm restless, I'm hopelessly, down to where it's pointless I'm helpless, I'm hopelessly…
"Great Song" she smiled
"Thank you" he laughed, eager to get to the airport
Texas
Sam was an only child, and everything hinged on him, so the fact they were stood in his parents' house, telling them there were no grandchildren wasn't received with good cheer.
"Surrogacy is that the route?" Mary asked
"No" Sam smiled "We're not thinking about anything like that, we've decided we're alright as we are for now" he grabbed Mercy's hand "Look this is…"
"We expected grandchildren Sam" Mary snapped
"I'm sorry" Mercy started crying
"Do you think it was the plan not to have children?" Sam snapped at his parents for making his wife cry "Don't apologise" he told Mercy "We've made our decision"
"Without consulting us" Dwight stepped in "Totally selfish on your part son"
"How is this anything to do with you?" Sam asked angrily "This is our situation and it's down to us to make the decision"
"Is it about the money because we can help" Mary asked
"No, it's not the money" Mercy piped in "It's because I can't conceive"
"But you can, can't you?" Dwight asked his son
"I can't believe you just asked that" Sam gasped "Come on" he tugged at Mercy's hand "I've got to get out of here before I say something"
"Sam" Mary called after him he couldn't talk he just slammed the door after him and fought the unfamiliar gear stick making their way back to the airport
"How dare they" he slammed the steering wheel when he finally calmed down enough to talk
"My parents have two grandchildren babe, yours have none, no one to carry on the family name, or run around the house, give all that love to, of course they'd be mad about this"
"Have we not suffered over this past year?"
"Yeah" she rubbed his arm
"They had their child we'll never naturally have that"
"I know babe" she frowned "We've done everything we can, we agreed we don't have anything else to try, we also knew that telling the family and our friends about this was going to be one of the hardest things we'd ever have to do"
"You're right" his voice softer this time "It's just hard to focus on living our best life when people are pulling us back all the while"
"I'm not saying I'll never feel differently but at this moment and maybe for this past month I've never felt so distant from motherhood, maybe it's because the option has been taken away"
"We can't have a baby, but we can have everything else and if that's what's on offer that's good enough for me"
"Is it?"
"I'm never going to change my mind babe, you're it"
"Next stop mom and dad" she smiled resting her head on his shoulder to watch the road go by, thinking about the reception they were going to get when they told her parent, while humming his song.
Sam: Going down and I just can't turn around, there's no escaping the way she's making me
Lose track of time this way is it night or day, she's making me wonder Mercy: Ohh
Both: Everything that you do, gets me all tangled up, I should probably run, but I want you too much
Lately it's been useless I'm restless, I'm hopelessly, down to where it's pointless I'm helpless, I'm hopelessly
"Stop trying to make me feel guilty" he laughed "Cheer up, I know"
Mercy was dreading telling her dad, her mom might be fine, understand even, but with her being the only girl in the family she knew what he'd expected of her. They'd called their parents and friends earlier in the week to arrange the visits and not told them anything over the phone, so it was only to be expected they weren't looking for bad news.
Ohio
Six hours later they were stood at her parents front door grabbing each other's hand, Sam felt even more nervous doing this, it wasn't like he could shout and walk out of this one, he had a different relationship with her parents
"It's later than we expected" Charlie opened the door smiling leaning in for his usual kiss and hug "Your mom's been keeping dinner hot for the past two hours"
"Dad" Sam nodded taking his hug before they made their way through the house to see her mother
"Sweetheart" Pam smiled "The food's cremated but we'll cope" she walked towards them for hugs "Spill" she clapped her hands smiling
Mercy looked at Sam her eyes telling him she'd backed out of the brave conversation she'd practices all the way there, he grabbed hold of her and looked her mother in the eyes "This is really painful for us, but we thought we needed to come home to tell you both" he looked across at their dad "We can't have children, and we've come to terms with it, so there'll be no more tests, examinations, trials nothing we've stopped trying"
"And that's usually when miracles happen, when you're not looking for them" Pam smiled reaching for her daughters arm "It will work out baby"
"No mom it won't we're not going to have a child, children, whatever" she pulled her arm away, even Sam was shocked
"There are other ways, Sam can have children, why don't you get a surrogate?" Pam asked
"Someone else have a baby with my husband?" she asked unable to fully understand what her mother was suggesting
"No" Pam looked from one to the other "Well yes, what's so bad about that?"
"Other than the fact that I'd only ever want a child with my wife?" Sam asked
"Dad" Mercy turned to look at him, he hadn't said a word yet
"I'm too upset to speak" Charlie flung himself in the chair next to the table "I'm disappointed if you must know"
"About?" Sam asked
"Not having any more grandchildren, that is the topic isn't it?" he snapped at him
"Jones" Pam snapped at her husband, everyone in the room knew he was in trouble when she called him that
"Well, what do you expect me to say, that's fine, have a good life" he snapped like a child being told off
"Don't you think they'd have had enough painful conversations between themselves already?" she asked her husband
"So, they should be used to them" he snapped again
"You know what" Mercy butted in "I'm not even hungry I just need to get to bed" she turned looked at Sam and walked out of the kitchen, up the stairs and into her bedroom
"No disrespect dad" Sam finally spoke again when the door shut behind his wife "But this has nearly broken us, we're hanging on by the skin of our teeth and the last thing Mercy needs to hear is the way you feel, we've had a while to come to this granted, and we might seem alright, but we're devastated"
"So am I" Charlie told him
"You don't understand what we've been through" Sam told his father-in-law "For us having a baby was our absolute life, it was meant to make us whole, someone in this world that was made by the two of us. People don't realise how much we were willing to put into having one, it affected everything, the food we ate, our routine, appointments, it's held us back from even our careers. We'd sources our family car, started looking at bigger houses, we lived our lives ready for this baby and now we have to figure out what we're going to do now all that's crashed"
"Sorry son" Charlie tapped his back sympathetically
"This has all been so hard, you wouldn't even believe" tears came to his eyes "She's probably up there crying again now, feeling useless, incomplete, a failure and you've just added to that, it will take me the whole night to fix what you've just put in her" he walked towards the door "So thanks"
"Sam" Pam called after him "It's just the shock talking we were expecting the opposite"
"So were we" he opened the door and walked through it
Sam & Mercy
"Babe" he walked into their room ready to weather the storm "Your parents didn't mean any of it, they were just shocked, expecting better…"
"I know" she surprised him with her jolly tone "I overreacted, this is going to be our lives now, we're going to have to answer that question when we get back in the public eye, I'm going to have to learn to grow a thick skin on this" she pushed her hair off her shoulder
"We're going to have to get thick skins" he corrected her
"I was sitting here thinking about our future" she turned to smile at him "I had this picture of one of us dying, horrible I know" she scrunched her face "But it's going to happen" she looked at the floor before looking back at him "With no family of our own we'll be totally alone, I hate the thought of us not having any lineage, to think one day our Evans name will totally disappear"
"We…" he looked at her speechless "We'll die knowing we lived our best life"
"What is our best life Sam, we keep saying that but what is it?"
"My best life is being with you, us that's always been my original best life, when we got married and talked about children I… what's the word I'm looking for?" he asked her
"Adapted?"
"Yeah" he smiled "I adapted my dream to fit a family in"
"I guess I did that too" she smiled "I'm dreading meeting up with the crew tomorrow, I mean sitting there watching Rachel and Tina with their children, it's going to hurt, I don't want them to feel guilty about their life"
"I fear sitting with Mike and Finn tomorrow and hearing all about their wives pregnancies, the miracle of childbirth, or the horror of labour, we'll never have those stories, and that will hurt like hell too"
"What do you say we tell them at the beginning of the visit rather than the end?"
"And make it all about us?"
"It is all about us, we called the meeting" she laughed "I don't really fancy sleep" she looked at the bed "You"
"It's great getting used to sex without the expectation"
"Oh, I expect" she giggled walking over to the bed "Lock the door, and put the music on" she sat swinging her crossed right leg
After lunch and apologies, the next day they were on their way to the airport to make the two hour journey to meet their friends in New York.
A year ago, they were in a bad place with most of their friends, they were having trouble conceiving and they went to some dark places, the last thing they wanted to hear about was Rachel and Finn accidentally becoming pregnant, while Tina and Mike were popping them out like happy pills. So, when Rachel started to moan about morning sickness and Tina complained about their eldest son misbehaving at school, Mercy lost it and gave them the grateful and privileged speech. The air had been left like that for the six months that followed, and it was left to Santana and Brittany to put the plasters back on for all, but they eventually managed it and for the past four months they'd been tight again.
"Another plane another argument" Sam frowned as they boarded the plane
"Sorry" she grabbed hold of his arm squeezing it
"Don't apologise" he found their seats and sat her down, both nervous enough for him to be hummed in her ear
Sam: Out my mind, out of touch, cause I can't get enough, way down deep in my blood, all I need is her love
Lately it's been useless I'm restless, I'm hopelessly, down to where it's pointless I'm helpless, I'm hopelessly
"Me too" she pulled him to her for a kiss
New York
They were meeting at Santana and Brittany's apartment in Manhattan, most of the crew lived in New York, Finn was playing for the Giants, so it was easy enough for them to be based there while Rachel pursued her stage thing. Mike was a well-known Choreographer and most of his work was in Staten Island and on the back of that because of the children Tina was his PA and accountant working from home. Santana was an influencer, a very rude one, but she got away with most the things she did, while Brittany danced for a living, she was versatile and took on anything from ballet to music videos.
"Ready?" Sam asked as they stood staring at the building
"As we'll ever be" Mercy smiled climbing the stairs to get into the building "But I will slap Brittany if she comes off with any of her shady shit" they stood ready to press the buzzer "Press it" she nodded at the buzzer
"I thought you said we should behave?" he pressed the buzzer
"I said slap, not punch"
"Both are physical" he pushed the released door open
"You know I know that" she looked at him questioningly
"You do?" he laughed watching her step into the building
They walked into the apartment to poppers and bubbly, there was a full blown party happening "Hey" Brittany smiled walking towards them with her arms open "Congratulations"
"No" Sam stopped her "There are no congratulations to make"
"What's going on?" Rachel stopped cheering to ask
"We made the decision to stop all the treatment" Mercy told everyone
"We just thought it would be better to tell everyone together and face to face" Sam added
"This is going well" Mercy looked at him for the awkward silence in the room
"I'm so sorry" Tina came towards Mercy for a hug
"We don't want sorry" Mercy stepped back refusing the hug "We need acceptance for our decision"
"We accept it" Santana told her
"So, what happened to all the oh my gosh, when we get pregnant life will be so freaking amazing, we'll be so happy, a child will just make our world perfect speeches?" Brittany asked being dramatic
"They got fucked Britt" Mercy spat at her
"She didn't mean that" Santana quickly stepped in seeing the situation going south
"But she's right" Sam butted in "For years we were wrapped up in the dream of having a family, but now we've been made to realise that isn't a dream that was meant for us, we just wanted you guys to know that, and apologise for everything we said, or even did, that hurt any or all of you"
"I know with every fibre in my being that happiness is more than a possibility for you two, regardless of your circumstances" Rachel told them
"Thank you" Mercy smiled
"Beer?" Finn held an unopened bottle up asking Sam, nodding to Mike as he walked towards the patio, "So" Finn waited for Mike and Sam to sit down "How's all this treating you?" he opened the bottle and handed it to Sam
"I'm good" Sam took the beer "We talked, cried a bit, well a lot really, and now we've come to terms with it"
"Really?" Mike asked sarcastically
"Look this is us buddy, we're here for you" Finn assured him, they sat looking at each other in the silence
"Look" Sam looked around to see where Mercy was "I have an amazing wife, who's been given this shit news and I'm not lying it blew my fucking brain, but it sent her somewhere else" he looked at her listening to her girlfriends in the kitchen "She wanted to release me, whatever the fuck that means, it took months to convince her she was it, I still have to remind her sometimes"
"I still haven't heard how this is treating you" Finn reminded him of the original question
"It's tough, it hurts, and I'm so fucking mad about it I could easily hit something into unconscious, but there's a part of me that's mourning for a life I was looking forward to too, I love kids, I wanted kids, we both did" he raked his hand through is hair frustrated "And in case you're wondering I asked her to stop, I gave up, and that makes me feel like shit too"
"Why did you ask her to stop?" Mike asked
"I couldn't take the negatives anymore, we were just coming up against wall after wall, she'd get her hopes up, we both would, and one day I just snapped, she was so wound up I wanted to walk, I shouted for it to stop, I gave the alternatim either she stops, or we stop, and she said she'd stop"
"You forced her to stop?" Finn asked shocked
"I said the words, but she was relieved, she was pushing the whole thing for me"
"That's Mercy all over, always trying to please you" Finn shook his head
"So going forward, what's the plan?" Mike asked
"Live our lives I guess, there's no question about the love, we have it enough and I know Mercy, when we get back home she'll just dive into work, we both will, and I plan on hitting that shit hard"
"Are you guys having therapy?" Finn asked
"Yeah, for a while now" he looked back at Mercy still listening to whatever the conversation was in the kitchen "Can we just drink these beers before they get hot?" he held his bottle up
"Sure" Finn held his bottle up before taking a sip while they sat watching the lights along the riverbank and cars going by in the distance, it actually looked quiet down there
"How can you determine happiness by how many children you have?" Mercy raised her voice to ask Tina making Sam, Finn, and Mike aware the conversation, whatever it was, had gone south
"That's not what I meant" Tina shouted back at her
"That's not what Tina meant" Rachel stepped in to defend her "She just meant your identity changes when you become a wife, mother even businesswoman, you change to adapt, and you'll adapt to your new situation"
"Thank you" Tina smiled at Rachel
"What happened?" Mike asked looking around the room at the women sat watching everything
"Apparently Mercy has trigger words now, so everyone has to watch what they say" Brittany told him
"I don't" Mercy snapped
"Listen" Finn calmed the whole thing down "We met up to get some time together, everyone go to their rooms for a minute" he ordered as everyone stood watching him "Please" he snapped watching everyone walk away
Ten Minutes Later
"Okay" Tina the last one back into the room announced "I apologise for my insensitive comment"
"Apology accepted" Mercy smiled "I guess I'm a bit touchy at the moment"
"A bit?" Santana laughed
"Okay a lot" Mercy giggled before they sat down to their evening of catching up, they were early to bed for an early flight in the morning. Sam and Mercy had some important paperwork to finalise on Monday morning, and after that they would be ready to dive into their busy lives.
"Okay" Sam, smiled looking at their friends stood looking sorry for them "Six months, back here, reunion, yeah?"
"Sure buddy" Mike fist bumped him "Stay strong"
"Yeah" Finn fist bumped him too "Six months" they did all their hugging and left for the airport
"That was painless" Mercy grabbed his arm as they walked down the steps of the building and into the cab destined for the airport "Do you think we should have told them?"
"No" he smiled "I could tell you wanted to though" he hugged her
"The only thing stopping me was the paperwork" she grinned
"We don't want to get everyone's hopes up do we?"
"I guess not, not even ours"
Los Angeles
Eight hours after boarding they were standing in the airport waiting for Sam's car to be brought round to make the journey home. "Back to work" he opened the car door for her to get in
"Back to work" she agreed
8 Months Later
"Mercy" Sam gasped, she was at the studio downtown and he'd just finished a short tour in Texas ending with a visit to his parents, to clear the air.
"Sam just get out of there, don't do or say anything else" she quickly told him
"Babe" he laughed "I'm home"
"Already?" he could hear the smile in her voice "I've just finished I'm on my way"
"Babe I…" he sat looking at the dead phone
"Babe" she walked into the house forty minutes later discarding her clothes as she got close to him "I've missed the hell out of you" she grabbed his t-shirt and pulled it up and over his head
"I missed you too babe" he grabbed hold of her, it had been eight days since he'd touched his wife, his news could wait a few more minutes, they got emersed in each other for as long as they needed to "Babe" he whispered as she lay in his arm on the couch threatening to fall asleep
"Hmm" was all she could find
"Emma called" he pushed her hair off her face "She found us someone to love, two weeks old"
"Seriously?" she jumped up asking
"Apparently she's the perfect fit"
"She?" she bounced excitedly "When can we…"
"Noon tomorrow give us some time to get things sorted"
"Noon's good" she got up
"Where are you going?"
"We have our daughter coming in twenty hours, we need to spring clean the nursery"
Both: There's no one else, baby, I'm under your spell, and I, I can't help myself, no, I can't help myself
Everything that she does, gets me all tangled up, I should probably run, but I want her too much
Lately it's been hopeless, so hopeless, so hopeless
"Best life adapted?" Mercy stopped dressing the cot to ask
"Definitely" he smiled kissing her forehead