How Will I Know
There are several questions you will ask or be asked in your life that carry great consequences, how much thought do you actually put into them
Mercy
Year One, Question One
Mercy sat looking at Kurt unsure whether she wanted to laugh or cry "Seriously?" Kurt asked again when he realised, she wasn't about to answer his question "Why didn't you say yes Mercedes?"
"Don't pressure me, let me think" Mercy snapped at him
"That in itself is a freaking problem" he snapped back
"I don't have a problem" she looked at him harder "I just…"
"Have a problem Miss Jones, the least you can do is admit it"
"My heart knows what it wants it's my damn brain" she poked herself in the head
"Mercedes" Kurt frowned looking at her "You're in trouble girl"
Mercy had been stepping out with someone she'd termed as her significant other for a while, nearly twelve months to be exact, and looking back maybe things had started heating up around four months ago when they started planning their first major holiday together. At first, she was fine planning it, excited even, but in all honesty, she didn't expect it to last long enough for things to actually come through, so when they actually ended up taking the holiday shocked wasn't a word she'd explain as the feeling, but it was the tame version of what she felt.
While they were on the road their friends were mutual, in most cases, she was a singer, and he'd become a member of the band she'd pulled together after getting fed up with teaching random musicians her set. Just around three weeks after he'd been recruited, she got a regular gig, and they were finally able to settle in Los Angeles, it was at that point they'd started making their own friends
Relationship wasn't a word that fit comfortably into their vocabulary, maybe that was the attraction for them, they were just two people in the business looking for something easy and unlabelled, who had found it in each other. After that trip they'd lived in their little heavenly cocoon for a short while, having taken a step closer to meaning something to each other, when they'd made something that felt like love that night. He'd never made a big thing of feelings and she was grateful for that, even happy to be in this relaxed whatever it was they hadn't quite named yet
His apartment was much bigger and more private than hers, so it was kind of natural that they gravitated to his place, and piece by piece, and without her realising it, she was moving in with him, it seemed economical when he sold her the move in with him line, they felt like roomies with benefits already anyway, so of course she grabbed the bait. Now she was looking back at it, maybe where she found herself was inevitable, she couldn't deny she was in love with the man, there was nothing about him that made her think twice, and it had been that way since the day they'd met. Then around a month after the holiday he mentioned how he'd like her to meet his parents, the look on her face may have contributed to the swift closedown of that conversation.
Up until that eleven month mark their lives had been uncomplicated, they had busy lives, he taught music at a university on his days off, she taught math at a local school and when they partied together, they had fun, the bonus being they always knew who they were waking up with the following morning. She knew when the shift happened, he'd been at the Uni doing some pre-exam work with his students, she knew that much so when her phone rang, and it was him, she was worried
"Are you home tonight?" he asked
"Yeah, why?"
"I just need to have a conversation; I know how you feel about relationships and stuff but… I just need to talk to you, I'll be home soon" he told her and cut the call, leaving her to think everything bad, she's worried herself into a frenzy and by the time he got home she was fast asleep. Since then, she'd managed to keep the conversation at bay one way or another, but she'd used all her cards now, there was no get out clause, she'd have to hear him out. He'd never given her reason to worry, so she really couldn't work out why she was sitting in her living room seeing red flags all over the place, feeling the urge to fly, and still not having the guts to set herself free
"I'm in trouble" she looked at Kurt echoing his words
"You know me" he warned "I'm a lecturer, but I'm not one to lecture on anyone's personal life, but I feel compelled to say…" he stopped to look at her
"Say what?" she rolled her eyes looking at him
"Before you go ahead, and call it quits on this, there's some research out there that proves having doubts about your relationship is normal, even healthy" he looked at her "But the downside it that it can course stress and we know where that leads" he looked at her warningly
"Thanks for that, so I'm actually killing myself right now, is that what you couldn't wait to tell me?" she cut her eye at him
"No" he held his hands up "Diva you know that's not what I'm saying"
"So, what are you saying Kurt?"
"Before you do anything rash just keep in mind that everyone has doubts especially about their significant others at some point, and I know whatever this is, you two will get through it"
"Did you have doubts about Blaine?"
"Course I did" he laughed "Even married people have doubts, even years after the wedding" he smiled "Sometimes I wake up next to him and I think, what would I do without him, and then" he rolled his eyes "There are other times I wake up and I think, what could I do without him, but I made my choice and I stand by it, thick and thin and all that"
"It's just all of a sudden I don't feel we're as in sync as I thought we were"
"Are you in your fairy tale world again"
"No" she giggled
"You two are perfect for each other" he smiled at her "What's happened?"
"I…" she shook her head "Nothing" she snapped
"You didn't?" he looked at her wide eyed "There's someone else isn't there?"
"No" she snapped again "Well not technically"
"Tell" he moved closer to her "All of it" he rested his elbows on his knees
"You can't tell a soul"
"As if" he held his pinkie finger out for her to grab
"Back in school, I wouldn't have gotten into half as much trouble as I did if I'd have had a friend like you" she laughed grabbing his pinkie with hers
"Spill" he ordered before reasting his chin on his slightly clinched fists
"I was at a bar with some of my friends the other night"
"By some you mean one, right?"
"Well, yes" she rolled her eyes at him
"Rachel, right?" he squinted his eyes at her "I hate how she makes you act"
"She doesn't make me anything, she makes me laugh, and sometimes that's just what I need"
"The bar" Kurt reminded her
"As I was saying" she smiled "And out the blue I find myself in conversation with this tall handsome guy, cowboy looking I mean really cute you know" she grinned at the memory "We were just talking for about an hour, nothing personal, he's interested in music and that's my thing isn't it"
"So?" Kurt looked at her strangely "Did you sleep with him?"
"No" she laughed "But I walked away from that conversation having enjoyed it enough to have wished it had gone on for a bit longer" she frowned "For a second I was interested in someone else, does that sound like someone who's ready for whatever he wants?"
"God Diva" Kurt rolled his eyes "Sabastian comes to visit and I'm in my feels on the guy, that in no way means I'm leaving my husband for the man or even a taste of the man, it's called self-control"
"I have that" she laughed "And I don't think it was anything but a good conversation but…"
"There are no buts Diva you love your man"
"I know I love him, but is it enough?"
"If he loves you back, yes" Kurt grabbed her hand "Harmless flirting or a meaningful conversation with a stranger doesn't mean you don't want more commitment in your relationship, nothing's missing, so stop looking for missing pieces" he looked into her uncertain eyes "You not telling him you had that conversation and how it made you feel afterwards might be what's making you feel like this"
"I think you might be right"
"And I know that every time my husband sees a certain someone his pants itch too, but he's coming to me to scratch it" he giggled "Keeps the relationship alive" he wiggled his eyebrows "As long as no numbers are exchanged, you're not stalking the guy, and you tell your guy, it's all good" he tapped her knee "Jealously can be a great turn on sometimes"
"I'm going to tell him about that guy" Mercy nodded "This is so complicated" she breathed out hard
"You're saying yes to being his significant other not getting married" Kurt laughed
"OMG" she gasped covering her mouth "I guess that sort of comes next doesn't it, this is too big" she grabbed Kurt's hand "How will I know?"
"Just like now, when the time comes, you'll think on it and make your decision"
"Please be there" her eyes begging more than her words
"Where else would I be?" he smiled taking her hug "Diva" he sighed "You're so fretful"
"I think I'm about to be someone's girlfriend" she grinned "I need to get to the studio" she stood up "Lift?"
"Sure" he smiled "My work here is done" he held his arm out for her to grab
Year Two, Question Two
Sam
"So, what are you saying today?" Santana sat on his couch asking "I don't understand, I mean last night all this was sorted"
"Last night I'd had a few beers" Sam laughed
"Are you saying you want to take it back?"
"No" he laughed "But the stories she's told me, I mean my family are a nightmare but hers" he raised an eyebrow "I don't think I'm ready for all that"
"So, is it Mercedes or her family you're wanting?"
"It has to be both doesn't it?" he looked at her "I read somewhere that having a positive relationship with your in-laws makes for a stronger relationship with your partner, and I know how Mercy thinks when it comes to her family, that shit is important to her"
"So, what happens if they plain don't like you?"
"I don't expect them to like me straight away, they don't know me, I could be anybody"
"You're who she's chosen, end of"
"Santana, you're not helping" he huffed
"You know me Trouty, if you're actually looking for sympathy, it's not here, grow a pair"
"I'm not looking for sympathy" he laughed "I'm trying to think my next move through"
"That's not like you"
"It is" he huffed "It's you and Brittany that do things off the cuff"
"We don't" she looked at him shocked
"Getting married in a week, adopting Jamie?" he looked at her
"Planned" she flung her hand in the air "Anyway we're talking about you" she tapped his knee "And meeting the devil brood"
"They're not devils Santana will you respect my ladies' parents please?"
"Apologies" she smiled at him
Not being a man of many commitments, other than to his music, he'd found himself in a relationship made in heaven, neither of them wanted anything named and he was more than fine with that at the start of all this. There was no denying he was pretty surprised at how quickly they settled into each other, it wasn't two months in before, without negotiation, he'd decided to be monogamous, which wasn't something he really had to think hard and long about.
Sex had always been about personal gratification to him, strictly on a need's basis, if he was hooked up with a girl for more than a week it was because he was stuck in a town, needed a cheap place to stay, and he was always more than ready to leave. When he hooked up with Mercy, they had a connection and it wasn't just verbally they totally connected in bed and that felt satisfying to him, he didn't feel like laying there and taking everything, she had to give, he needed to join in, be there, make sure she wanted to be there.
He knew he'd sent her into a spin when he finally questioned what they were to each other and suggested he wanted more, she went quiet for nearly a week before she came to the studio one evening while he was mixing a beat and blarted out her response, he was past ecstatic.
"What was that you were mixing?" she asked
"I wrote some lyrics, and I thought I could make a mellow beat for it" he looked at the sheet music on the stand in front of him as she walked towards him "I want to get this chorus done if that's alright"
"It's fine" she smiled grabbing his neck to kiss his lips "Answer to your question is yes, so you have three choices" she let him go "New song, bedroom celebration, or food?"
"One, then three, then two" he laughed hugging her
"Greedy" she laughed taking his kiss
"It's a big night"
"Let's hear it then" she sat on the bench behind them listening to him play and mix the track for a while
"It's a song about how I feel" he smiled "When I'm with you"
End of the day I know your rolling with me know your owning my dreams because you belong with me baby
All through the night you know I'm treating you right, making you feel alive, baby all night tongue tied
"Love it" she smiled, watching him pressing the buttons for the beat to come in
Hey, you there in the red, blue jeans walking twenty, twenty one like a new James Dean
Going to steal your love, better call the police have I got news for you, yeah
You there in the red and white smile flashing around like you've known for a while, the way you move never go out of style
Have I got news for you, yeah
End of the day I know your rolling with me know your owning my dreams because you belong with me baby
All through the night you know I'm treating you right, making you feel alive, baby all night tongue tied… 'Tongue Tied' by Theo Tams
"What do you think?" he stopped the beat to ask
"I think you're on to something" she smiled "And I'm ready for two"
"You mean three?"
"Yeah, about that" she looked at him "All that tongue talk, do you think we could order in a pizza?"
"Now who's greedy" he laughed
"Good night, was it?" Santana burst into his thoughts
"What?" he looked at her
"Just make sure she's on your side whatever happens" Santana repeated
"Who?" he looked at her blank
"Mercy, just make sure she agrees if you walk, she walks, that will make them come around"
"How will that work?"
"They won't want to lose their only child, play on that"
"I'm not about to start playing games about this, I really want to get on with them"
"Trouty you're going so damn slow you're going to lose her and soon"
"We're safe where we are"
"And with all this communication you two aren't having you're sure of that?" Santana looked at him
"She flirted with some guy a while back and told me about it, our communication is good, especially when it matters"
"So, this doesn't matter?"
"Talked myself right into that corner, didn't I?" he laughed
"I guess" she laughed
"Okay" he stood up "I'm engaged, and we'll talk to her parents, in person, this weekend"
"You're sure you're still saying yes?" she stood up smiling
"It was always yes"
"My work here is done" she tapped his chest before hugging him "Good luck"
Mercy
Year 3 Question 3
"That's crap advice" Kurt snapped at Rachel as they sat in the restaurant trying to calm Mercy down "Do you really need to be here?"
"Do you?" Rachel snapped at him
"Maybe this was a mistake" Mercy got up to leave
"No" Kurt and Rachel snapped at her
"I'm sure, we can put our differences aside for a dear friend" Rachel cut her eye at Kurt and smiled at Mercy
"I'm sure you can" Kurt purred narrowing his eyes "So" he turned to look at Mercy "It's out there, this is official?"
"Well, he's asked my parents" Mercy grinned
"And now…" Kurt started
"Let me guess, you want to dissect it and turn it into something negative" Rachel finished
"No" Mercy snapped "Actually Rachel, I forgot to mention Jessie walked into the gym as I was leaving"
"Why didn't you say" Rachel looked at her phone as she got up "Sorry guys I have an emergency"
"Obviously" Kurt snarled watching her walk away "You're so naughty" he grinned at Mercy
"I wished I could turn her into something positive" she laughed "She can be a real friend when she wants to but…"
"I know" he rolled his eyes "So, the pending proposal"
"My guess is it's going to happen this weekend, he's being cagy, working late, plus we tend to switch things up annually, it's going to happen, I know it"
"How are you feeling about it?"
"Excited I guess, but scared at the same time" she smiled "But he's always right, we enjoy each other more every time the commitment gets deeper"
"How deep are you guys going?" Kurt laughed
"You're a married man, you know there are many levels to love"
"I know relationships are messy" he laughed "And they need a hell of a lot more work to succeed than to fail"
"Actions, thoughts and words" she frowned "Words from his mother"
"Good words" he smiled "Like that song you sang…"
"Nothing's Impossible?"
"It's true though isn't it, I mean who would have thought we'd be sitting here having this conversation three years ago?"
"I know" she laughed "I was stuck in a place where the only question on my mind was how will I know, and look at me now"
"The only thing you're worrying about is when he's going to pop it, why don't you pop the question?"
"I don't want to spoil his whatever he's planning" she widened her eyes "Sometimes I catch him looking at me and just smiling and I think to myself just say it already, you know?"
"Yeah" Kurt laughed "I remember when Blaine was planning on asking me he'd bring me flowers every day, cook up a storm, we'd sit down to this lavish meal, and I'd smile inside watching him bottle it every night" he laughed
"That was mean" she laughed "Sam just keeps walking around humming that song I did the night he asked for some commitment that first year, I guess it's a sign that something else is coming"
"Nothing's Impossible?"
"Yeah" she frowned at him
"What were those words again?"
Been through the rain and the fire, but the sun always shines brighter, that's how I know anything could be done
Yeah, nothings impossible things get rough, and you go searching, looking for the answer, don't you get discouraged
Please know that nothings impossible, yeah nothings impossible, please know that 'Nothing's Impossible' by B Che
"I need you to believe those words Diva" he smiled
"I believe them" she laughed "This pending proposal" she got serious again "He asked me if I was happy the other day and I swear I thought that was it, but…" she frowned
"He bottled" Kurt laughed "Remember how you were when you two got engaged?"
"Yeah" she smiled to herself
They'd been partying it wasn't anything special, one of Sam's friends had a significant birthday, it wasn't expected but they'd met up on the dreaded Rachel, Sam and Rachel had never been a good fit from the start, they bounced off each other in a bad way. Santana and her wife Brittany had turned up being part of Sam's crew, and the fireworks had started, the two sets of friends went to war, Santana's tongue was sharp, and of course Rachel folded, but not before leaving a bad taste in everyone's mouth.
Sam was upset, they all were, but he seemed to take it worse than everyone else, Mercy was trying to calm him down, she leaned up to whisper in his ear "I was going to ask you to marry me"
"What?" he pulled back to look at her
"I was going to ask…"
"Come on let's go" he grabbed her hand and pulled her with him without permission
"Babe" she tugged at his hand trying to stop him, but he was too mad he dragged her along with him her feet hardly touching the ground "Sorry" she turned to tell Santana as they crashed into each other
"Sam" Santana called after him, following them out when he didn't stop "What's up?" she grabbed his sleeve hard asking, all three stopped walking at the same time "What did you do?" she looked at Mercy accusing
"I asked him to marry me" she told her
"She's had too much to drink" Sam looked at Mercy
"I haven't" she pulled away from him "It's a serious question"
His face broke into a smile, his eyes glazed over "Yes" he pulled her to him and kissed her as his friend cheered
"Bold" she smiled "I was bold, just like you'd said I would be" she smiled at her friend
"I can see it in your eyes, you're ready for whatever comes next" Kurt smiled "My work is done here" he got up and hugged her
Sam & Mercy
Yeah 4 Question 4
"No" Sam grabbed her phone knowing what she was about to do "This is a conversation we need to have, alone" he grabbed her hand to pull her to sit next to him "I know this is scary, but we've been through worse"
"What was worse?"
"Committing, getting engaged, getting married" he laughed "This is a natural next step, don't you think?"
"Maybe it was the way you just blarted it out"
"I'll admit it's a scary topic, but hopefully it's our last scary one" he squeezed her hand "I've learned over these past four years that talking about the hard stuff supposed to be difficult, it's what makes us grow as a unit, I'll be the first to admit I generally run to friends for advice asking the same old question how will I know, but on this I think we both need to agree, we both need to know, and we both need to commit"
"So why choose now to bring this up?"
"Because for the first time in ages we're both on a break from work, we've talked about it in a roundabout sort of way, and it's something I want"
"I said in passing, I'd want my baby closer to my chest, not looking out at strangers, it was a comment not a discussion"
"And I saw the look on your face when you looked at that baby, and just like you, I wished it was ours" he smiled "And a couple of times I've asked if we can make a baby"
"In the throes of love making, and we were covered, so I didn't even take that serious" she frowned "How will I know I'll make a good mom"
"We'll never know if we can be a good anything until we try" his eyes begging her for some hope "Can we at least go speak to our GP?"
"No" she pushed his chest slightly with her spare hand "I don't want anyone else involved in his decision, that's what you said" she looked at him smiling
"What?" he smiled "Are we about to make a grown-up decision?"
"One that really matters" she warned "Why do you want a baby?"
"I'm ready to go all in, I've been so scared of all the other commitments but this one feel right, I really want to be a dad" he kissed her "And I need you to be on board on this with me"
"Can we sleep on it?"
"Sure" he held his hands up "That's fair"
The Next Day
End of the day I know your rolling with me know your owning my dreams because you belong with me baby
All through the night you know I'm treating you right, making you feel alive, baby all night tongue tied… 'Tongue Tied' by Theo Tams
"Missed you in bed this morning" Mercy walked into the kitchen smiling at seeing him singing and dancing at the oven "What smells nice?"
"Nothing too adventurous, thought you might like to hype up on the veg"
"For breakfast?"
"I put pineapple and ginger in it, along with your eggs and waffles on the side"
"Someone's piling the pressure on"
"No" he turned to take her kiss "Just looking after my wife" he handed her a cup of herbal tea "Swopped out the coffee too"
"No pressure?" she grinned
"And I made sure you got some sleep last night"
"Should I say thank you?" she sat at the table asking
"No, I mean you wanted to sleep on it, the conversation last night I mean" he chuckled "Honestly no pressure"
"Honestly?" she widened her eyes as she took a sip of her herbal tea
"As long as it's not a definite no"
"Anything else to add while you're not putting this pressure on?" she grinned at him bringing the breakfast over to the table
"Just that a family is financially viable for us, and I think our parents would be on board" he raised an eyebrow "Please put me out of my misery"
"I have one condition" she smiled
"Anything"
"I want a natural birth"
"We can do that" he laughed
"Until I don't" she warned "And then I want every magic medicine known to man"
"Deal" he laughed "Now can we make the appointment?"
"Sure"
(Another Break coming up readers, see you in November)