"But why don't you like me?"
"Because of your ugly stupid face!"
It happened shortly after Brian Warren was hit by the car.
As he lay in the middle of the street staring up at the night sky, he found his mind drifted off to other times and places in his life.
One such time brought him back to the school playground.
"But why don't you like me?" he asked in a pleading voice. Though Brian's face was obscured by a large purple birthmark, you could see his eyes were big and wide and full of tears.
The chunky kid standing over him spoke in a mean angry voice.
"Because of your ugly stupid face, that's why!"
Near the merry-go-round, Tommy Tanner towered over Brian. Poor Brian bowed his head.
There was a puddle the size of a pond. With an ugly sneer on his face, Tommy pushed Brian into that puddle. Brian cried out a little as he fell down hands first.
Next to Tommy, Tamara Tanner giggled; actually, it was more like an evil laugh. While down on all fours, Brian thought how Tamara was pretty but mean.
With his hands in the mud puddle, Brian pushed himself up. By the time he was up, Tommy and Tamara had already walked away. There were only the kids on the monkey bars; they laughed at him from a distance.
Shivering and dripping wet, Brian sat down on the merry-go-round. As he did, some familiar figures gathered around him.
Huckleberry Hound and Yogi Bear sat with him.
"Don't worry, Brian. We're still your friends." Huckleberry spoke in his distinctive laid-back drawl.
Yogi's voice was a bit more enthusiastic.
"We'll never let you down, pal-of-mine." Yogi gave Brian a light tap on the back.
"Thanks, guys," Brian mumbled. He heard the jeers of the kids on the monkey bars but ignored them.
"We're with you, too, partner." Woody from "Toy Story" was there with his chipper voice and old-fashioned cowboy outfit. His dark eyes were full of life.
"And we'll stay with you," Buzz Lightyear declared as he raise a gloved finger.
"To infinity and beyond!" the characters all joyfully shouted together.
When Brian returned to class, he sat at his desk dripping wet; the teacher didn't notice or didn't care. When the bell finally rang, Brian quickly rose and nearly slipped on a small puddle. Once he recovered, he hurried to get home.
As soon as he arrived home, he opened the door to the white living room with its white walls and white sofa. It looked empty. No Mother. What a relief!
The sense of relief did not last long. The dreaded figure emerged from the kitchen.
A hand went to the great woman's hip.
"What have you been doing?"
Brian bowed his head. "I got thrown in a mud puddle."
"Well! Perhaps if you were nicer to people, that wouldn't happen."
The woman glared out of her black crow's-eye glasses.
"It is time for you to once again receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior."
Brian stifled a groan. How many times was he supposed to do this?
Dutifully, he recited the Sinner's Prayer.
"Jesus, I admit I am a sinner. I accept your sacrifice on the cross. I accept you as my Lord and Savior. Amen."
"Well! You could have been more enthusiastic!"
Next time, Brian thought. While his mother glared at him, he hurried off.
After soaping off his arms and chest, Brian retreated to his room and changed his clothes. Sitting on his bed, he thought how accepting Jesus didn't really help with sad or angry thoughts. Maybe he'd figure things out as he went along. While he did that, he had his friends from TV Heaven.
That night, he had the dream again.
"Keep going, Mr. Warren."
The man who spoke looked like Sebastian Cabot who played Mr. French on "Family Affair." In the dream, the bearded man seemed to look directly at Brian with big cheerful eyes.
"You can do it," the man said. "Keep going. You're doing fine."
"One foot in front of the other."
The woman who spoke looked like Miss Hathaway from "The Beverly Hillbillies." She offered a tight-lipped but friendly smile.
"Just keep going," she said as she leaned in toward him.
Whenever Brian felt discouraged, he found these people would appear in his dreams and tell him to keep going.
Other people were not so encouraging.
The gym teacher with the very stern face had some resemblance to Lou Grant. Assuming that Lou Grant had big jowls. "Mr. Grant" gave orders to Brian as he glared down at him.
"You're going to take these wooden pegs and move up those holes in the wall."
Brian thought how he had been given no advance warning he had to do this but he stuck the pegs in the bottom holes. With great difficulty, he managed to go up two holes.
I've never done this before, Brian thought as he just hung there. The idea of pulling a peg out and moving it to the next hole up—that seemed like a good way to get hurt. Especially as he got higher.
Finally, after much struggle, Brian let himself safely down to the ground. As he walked back to his place in line, he tried to avoid the glare of the gym teacher but he could not escape his gruff grumpy voice.
"That's what happens when you watch too much television."
"I don't get it," Brian said to Huck and Yogi later. "Shouldn't the teacher be teaching me how to do stuff instead of just criticizing me?"
"Pay no attention to him and his lousy attitude." Yogi spoke in a casual voice as he waved a dismissive paw.
"Just stay after school a few minutes each day and practice doing that hole-and-pegs thing," Huck said.
"Why can't I practice during gym class?" Brian grumbled. "Why do I have to play stupid basketball in my stupid shorts?"
When Brian stayed after school to practice with pegs, the first two days were a bit of a struggle. But when he kept going, the whole thing with the pegs got easier. It also meant more time to avoid other students and his mother.
When next the gym teacher ordered him up the holes, Brian was ready.
"Think you can make it this time?" the teacher growled.
At first, Brian struggled, and some of the other guys laughed. Brian tuned them out, and before he knew it, he made it to the top and then back down.
The teacher said nothing, didn't even smile. Brian had already expected that. It didn't matter. The important thing was when people treated him unfairly he figured out what to do. Without their help.
As he lay in bed, Brian told his imaginary friends about his life.
"I was born with a purple birthmark on my face. It was shaped like a starfish. The other kids started calling me 'Brian Starfish.' At first, I thought they were being nice. When I realized they were making fun of me, I got pretty upset. I got over it, though.
"I'm not sure why my face should matter. My birthmark is purple. That's the color of some cartoon characters. So that's a fun color."
One man associated with cartoon characters was not so fun or pleasant.
Mr. Lincoln wore a Loony Tunes tie, with characters like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck on it. But that was about the only fun thing about him.
Tall, brown-haired and skinny, Mr. Lincoln looked awkward in his short-sleeved shirt. It didn't help that he had a long skinny neck with a large lump in it.
Maybe being funny-looking meant he had been made fun of and so he became mean.
In any case, this is what Mr. Lincoln did: He would pose a question to the class and then look around for someone to answer the question.
If Brian looked confused, Mr. Lincoln would point and call his name in a very forceful fashion. When Mr. Lincoln did that, he sounded like Professor Snape in the Harry Potter movies.
In one case, Mr. Lincoln posed his question. Brian tried to hide his confused look but he wasn't quick enough. The dreaded finger was aimed at him.
"Bri-an?" Mr. Lincoln stretched the name out as he spoke in that sinister voice.
"I don't know," Brian muttered. Of course, the kids tittered.
Mr. Lincoln looked stern, made all the more scary by his gray suit and bushy eyebrows.
"Didn't you read the material, as I instructed you to?"
Wide-eyed, Brian eagerly nodded his head. "Oh, yes! In fact, I remember this and this and this!" He rattled off passages from the book, in some cases reciting parts word-for-word.
Mr. Lincoln frowned deeply, creating more lines on his face. "I am not asking you about any of those things, Mr. Warren. I am asking you about one subject in particular."
Brian's head shrunk down a little. "I'm sorry. I don't remember that part."
As the tittering turned to laughter, Mr. Lincoln got loud.
"You must read more carefully and pay more attention! To everything!"
"Okay," Brian said. He bowed his head to more tittering.
"It's almost like the point of school is to have me fail," Brian grumbled later to his television friends. "No matter what I do, it's not good enough."
"Here's some things you could do, Brian," Woody suggested. "Memorize whatever you read, even keep notes in front of you."
"Not for tests, of course," Buzz said. "Just for answering that no-good bum Mr. Lincoln."
Brian nodded. "Yes, yes! And if I know the answer to a question, I'll just look confused. I've noticed Mr. Lincoln likes to call on me when I look like I don't know the answer."
Huck shook his head. "It's like he became a teacher to embarrass people."
"What a bum," Yogi said.
The next time Mr. Lincoln posed a question to the class, Brian put a confused look on his face.
Mr. Lincoln pointed a sharp finger. "Brian!" he shouted.
Brian promptly shouted back the answer.
Mr. Lincoln looked surprised for a moment then resumed his usual sulky look.
"You were paying attention that time," he grunted.
Yeah, thanks for the encouragement, Brian thought. But inside, he was laughing and cheering. His TV friends jumped up and down with him.
Later he said to his friends, "It's funny that teachers are my enemies and not my friends."
"I don't find it funny," Huck said.
"Your teachers are stinkers," Yogi said.
Students were also his enemies, even at church. Even at Vacation Bible School.
Yes, it wasn't enough to go to church during the school year; in summer there was church Monday through Friday. It was called "Vacation Bible School." Fortunately, it was only for one week.
Unfortunately, it involved something called "kickball."
Tommy was one of the older kids so he got to be the one who taught kickball. As Tommy rolled the ball toward Brian, Tamara called out his name.
"Brian! Hey, Brian!"
When Brian looked, Tamara turned away with a smirk on her face. When Brian turned back, the ball was very close to him. As he kicked, Brian missed and almost fell.
Tommy spoke to some of the other older kids.
"Did you see that?" he chortled. "He almost fell down!"
Inside, Brian yelled. "I've never done this before! You could teach me instead of making fun of me." But he knew it was pointless to say anything.
When next the ball rolled toward him, Brian focused, and with a mighty kick, he sent the ball on its way. As he stood there grinning, he found his moment of triumph was short-lived.
"What are you doing?" Tommy shouted. "Don't just stand there. Run! Run to the bases!"
Could have told me, Brian grumbled to himself as he ran the bases. Next time, he would know.
Let me add that to my list of things to remember, he thought when the "game" was over. Besides making mental notes, Brian began writing notes to himself, on paper.
Huckleberry Hound gave him two thumbs up. So did Woody. So did Buzz.
"Keep on keeping on, partner," the toy cowboy said.
"To infinity and beyond!" they all shouted.
Brian's mother had a friend who was blind. Because of this, the man had to touch Brian's face. When this happened, Brian screamed.
His mother chastised him. "Oh, Brian, hush!"
"I'm sorry," the man said. "That's the only way I can see someone."
Though still in tears, Brian calmed down. No one had ever apologized to him before.
At a parade, there was a man in a uniform; he gave Brian a piece of candy. Afterwards, Brian was shocked to see the man had an artificial robotic hand. Like he was some kind of superhero.
Meanwhile, Brian had important questions. Brian's mother insisted that accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior was the big solution to life's problems but everything seemed to start and stop there. The Bible was a pretty thick book, and if all you had to do was say a prayer for a few seconds, why was the book so thick? What was a person supposed to do afterwards?
Brian thought his mother might be pleased with him if he read the entire Bible all the way through. He tried to read it all in one afternoon; he got as far as Noah and the Flood. After that, he decided to just read a little each day. After all, he was stuck in school for years; why not get a little something extra done?
By reading just one page each morning, it took him three years to get all the way through. One day, he snapped the Bible shut. Last page of Revelation! He made it! Time to celebrate. Maybe he could ask his mother for some cake.
With a big smile on his face, Brian went to his mother.
"I just finished reading the entire Bible!"
His mother gave him a look.
"I'm surprised to hear that, Brian, since you are not very well-behaved."
In his face, Brian sank a little. "What do you mean?" It sounded like there might not be cake.
With one fist on her right hip, Mother waved a long gloved finger.
"You told Tamara Taylor that she was bossy and mean."
Brian blinked. "She is bossy and mean."
"I doubt that is so! But even if it is, you can't say that to her!"
Brian was silent; he was used to being silent. In fact, he was silent for most of his years in school.
When he had a break from class and homework, Brian liked to spend time with his friends. He even added some new friends.
"How are you, Captain Marvel?"
The superhero, dressed in red with a large yellow lightning bolt on his chest, gave Brian a hearty nod and an approving smile.
"I'm good, Brian. Keep up all the good work. You're doing just fine."
While "Monster Mash" played, Brian danced with the Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy, the Invisible Man, tBooBerry, Count Chocula, and Franken-berry.
Even though he called it "TV Heaven" to keep things simple, Brian also brought in movie characters and even characters from commercials.
Brian went off to, in his mind, sing songs with Sigmund the Sea Monster and ALF. ALF sang in a deep boisterous voice; Sigmund sang in a warbling voice. Sigmund's words were mostly gibberish.
This was after the incident at school. Just before history class, Chuckie Johnson grabbed Brian's magazine. He waved it in front of the entire class.
"Hey, look, everybody! Brian reads 'Famous Monsters' magazine!"
Chuckie held the magazine way up high. The kids laughed. Brian just quietly ignored it; he found when he did that the laughter ended a lot quicker.
That was the great thing about school: Whatever you're interested in, people are so supportive.
Brian made another mental note to himself: Whatever you're interested in, hide it from people.
When a school dance was held, Brian stayed at home and retreated into his imagination. In one case, he sang "Automatic" as he danced with Kelly Kapowski from "Saved By The Bell." Brian was especially good at a lively robot dance.
As Brian read through the Bible a second time, he realized that God uses imperfect people and whatever you go through it can help you get better as a person. If he made a mistake, he could think of a way to correct it. Whatever solution he thought of, he could put it into action.
In the end, everything would be all right. Isn't that what Mr. French and Miss Hathaway told him in those dreams he had?
As he lay in the street, Brian saw brief flashes of other moments in his life.
"Stop that!" his mother shouted after he yelled "Yippee!" in the church parking lot. She grabbed him by his little skinny arm. "What if someone saw you doing that? What would they think of me?"
"That you're a fun mom? That you let your son have fun?"
"Don't talk back to me!"
Brian went from his mother glaring at him to Mr. Lincoln glaring at him.
"Brian, what are you doing interrupting my class?"
"I forgot something."
"Oh! You forgot something. So you thought you'd just interrupt my class?"
Normally, Brian didn't talk back to a teacher or even try to explain things. But in this case, he felt anger rise inside him. Despite that, he spoke in a calm voice.
"I didn't interrupt. I walked in very quietly. I only took a few seconds to go to my desk. You're the one who decided to make a big production out of it."
"Don't talk back to me!"
"I'm not."
You're doing it right now!"
After Mr. Lincoln grabbed him and dragged him along, Brian found himself in front of the principal.
"Brian, what's this I hear about you interrupting Mr. Lincoln's class and talking back to him? You know not to do that, right?"
Although he was burning inside, Brian knew what to say to tyrants.
"Okay, I won't," he mumbled with a vigorous nod of his head.
That didn't stop a five minute lecture from the principal. All the while, Brian was glaring but he kept quiet.
Once the ordeal was over, Brian made another note to himself. Before school he made sure to put whatever he needed in the same pockets at the same time each day.
When Brian first lived through this, it seemed to drag on for a long time. Now his life went by in a blur. He skipped over high school and graduation and went straight to his work at the factory.
The factory was a place where he could spend hours and hours in TV Heaven. Though his imaginary world included more than just TV characters, he called it "TV Heaven" just to keep things simple. Since he had trouble remembering a lot of things, he found it best to keep things simple.
"Brian? I'm afraid you can't sing out loud."
When Brian heard that, he decided to only sing on a stage inside his mind. Brian invited different TV characters to that stage, and he sang all kinds of songs. One song Brian really liked was "Happiness," which was a song about appreciating the simple joys in life. Brian sang that song, and many others, with Jean-Luc Picard and Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Jean-Luc had a very rich voice, Gibbs was more muted and mumbling. They were joined by Thomas Magnum and Tony DiNozzo, both singing loudly and enthusiastically.
As he worked at the factory, Brian sent money to help veterans and blind people.
People at work muttered that since he was not married, he must be weird and dangerous. Brian wasn't sure how to answer them so he just stayed silent.
He tried to get rich selling a book and a screenplay; there were only rejection letters.
"It's all right, Brian. Just keep going."
"Just do what you can."
It was Mr. French and Jane Hathaway again, But this time there was someone new.
A beautiful blonde put fingers in her mouth to create a sharp whistle.
Dressed in a plaid shirt, Elly May Clampett wore blue jeans with a rope for a belt. As she smiled, she waved her hand.
"It's okay, Brian! You're doing great! Just keep doing what you're doing!"
There was a great glowing white light behind the three figures.
When Brian woke up, he felt better. He headed off to work as usual. His day was filled with music: there were the songs he sung with his TV Heaven friends, and when he talked to them, music accompanied those scenes. When Elly May talked with him, she wore a one-piece swimsuit. At times, she smiled at him. It was a great smile.
"I'd like to be rich," Brian told his TV friends. "I could help people even more. Blind people and veterans."
"That's a very admirable goal, Brian." Kris Monroe, one of "Charlie's Angels," looked like a true angel with her golden shiny hair. Brian's mom had lectured him about how angels didn't have blond hair; she insisted no one knew what they looked like. Brian preferred to think that angels were all different colors and that they took whatever form a person needed.
Kris' kindness made Brian hopeful so he spoke in an enthusiastic eager voice.
"I sent a gas gift card to a veteran once. I'm not sure how much it helped. I wish it could have been even more." Even in his imagination, Brian bowed his head. "I don't think someone like me can get rich."
Thomas Magnum, in his baseball cap and Hawaiian shirt, gave him a look.
"Why can't you be rich, Brian?"
Brian shrugged. "People like me just don't get stuff handed to them. Things don't work out."
"Still, you do figure things out," Picard said with a grin.
"And being rich is not all it's cracked up to be," Tony DiNozzo said.
Kris smiled. "And like Jean-Luc said, you're good at figuring things out."
"Wisdom may be more important than money," Picard said.
"It's true," Tony said. "You can have a lot of money. But what good is it if you don't know how to use it right?"
"And you have succeeded, Brian, despite the way people have treated you." Captain Picard's voice, like his look, was sympathetic.
"Picard's right," Leroy Jethro Gibbs said.
"Gibbs," Picard said with a slightly impatient sigh. "We've known each other how many years? And you still can't call me 'Jean-Luc.'"
"Nope," Gibbs said.
While looking at Picard, Tony tilted his head at the NCIS team leader. "You call him 'Gibbs.'"
"Only because I don't know whether to call him 'Leroy' or 'Jethro.'"
They all had a good laugh.
When Brian left the factory floor, he caught people glaring at him.
"I'll tell you why I'm not married," he said. "Part of it is this purple birthmark. But mostly I just want to live a simple life."
That night after work he was hit by a car.
As his life came to an end, Brian found himself being pulled up by a familiar figure.
"You made it, Mr. Warren," Mr. French said.
"We knew you would," Miss Hathaway said.
Elly May let out another sharp whistle. "And we're sure glad you did!" She stood off to the side with a great big smile, hands in her pockets, swaying back and forth a little with her shoulders hunched up.
The great white light seemed brighter than it had in his dreams.
"Are you…angels?" Brian asked.
"We are indeed," Mr. French said.
"We're just appearing to you in a form you recognize and understand," Miss Hathaway said.
"A form that means something to you," Elly May said in her chipper voice.
There were other angels: Jeannie, Samantha, Mary Ann, Ginger, Betty and Veronica.
Despite this, Brian looked glum.
"I'm sorry I wasn't able to get rich so I could help even more."
"It's all right, Mr. Warren." Mr. French spoke in a very understanding voice, the kind of voice Brian rarely if ever heard in life. "You did very well."
"You did what you could," Miss Hathaway said.
"And there's some folks real grateful to you," Elly May said. "Here's one of them now!"
A man stepped forward; he wore dark-lens glasses, and he held the leash of a noble-looking (and very happy-looking) German shepherd.
"Hello, Brian," the man said in a gentle voice. "I'm Alan Doyle. Your donations were joined to other donations, and thanks to you and those others, I have Buster."
"Hello, Buster!" Brian exclaimed. He rubbed the dog's chin. One should not interact with a strange dog or bother a service animal but those rules applied back on Earth.
"You were a big help to me. Thanks, Brian."
"You're welcome!" As Brian smiled, he also glowed with a white light almost as bright as the white light all around him.
"'Bye, Buster!" Brian called as Alan walked away with his dog.
Brian turned back to the angels. "Does this mean all dogs go to heaven?"
Mr. French chuckled warmly. "Buster isn't actually here. He's just a representation. But here is someone else who wants to meet you."
A man stepped forward; he wore a green uniform.
"Brian? I'm Corporal Murphy. You once helped me with a gift card for gas. It was a big help for me and my family. It freed up other money. It got us over a rough patch. I used your gas card to get to a job interview, and everything turned around from there."
Brian felt like tears were forming on his face, if he still had a face.
"Thank you so much, Brian."
"You're welcome."
The corporal offered a sharp salute; Brian saluted back. Maybe Brian's salute was not as sharp but it was certainly sincere and heartfelt.
As the corporal walked away, Brian turned to Mr. French and Miss Hathaway.
"I don't understand. Why am I in tears? I didn't think there would be tears here."
Mr. French smiled. "We aren't actually in the blessed place yet, Brian."
"Is this Purgatory?"
"Let's say it's a place where we learn to understand each other and unite, join together." Mr. French used his hands to gesture a joining.
"There's a lot of people here who want to meet you." Elly May spoke with great enthusiasm.
"You will meet them all later," Mr. French said.
"Don't worry, you have all eternity." Miss Hathaway gestured to a large crowd.
Brian' eyes (if he still had eyes) widened.
"Who are all these people?"
"Why, these are all the people you helped, of course," Miss Hathaway said.
Brian's eyes (alleged eyes) got even bigger.
"I couldn't have helped this many people!"
"The people you helped went on to help other people," Mr. French said.
"And it just kept multiplying," Miss Hathaway said.
"It just went on and on," Elly May said.
"To infinity!" Mr. French raised himself up as he shouted in a laughing voice full of cheer.
"And beyond!" they all shouted as they laughed.
Brian looked at the crowd. He never liked Mr. Lincoln's boring geography lessons but he did like looking at pictures of people from other countries. He saw that the crowd contained all kinds of people from all over the world.
"How did I help people in other countries?"
Mr. French held out a hand to the great crowd as he calmly explained.
"Some of the people you helped, whether directly or indirectly, sent money to help people overseas."
For a moment, Brian stared then he smiled.
"Whoa," he whispered.
"Whoa indeed," Mr. French said. Elly May offered another sharp whistle.
"You did more than this," Miss Hathaway said. "When you created your 'TV Heaven,' it helped you become a more positive person."
"It gave you the encouragement and positive reinforcement others failed to give you," Mr. French said. "It helped you keep going!"
Over her plaid shirt and above her blue jeans, Elly May moved a little fist in an "attaboy" gesture. "We just popped in on your dreams to give you an added boost!"
Mr. French wore a gentle grin as he held up a finger. "There is one other thing, Mr. Warren."
"This is Judgment Day," Miss Hathaway said. She gestured to a very large screen. "We've been watching some of the horrible things that took place on Earth."
"And good things, too," Mr. French said, lifting a finger.
Elly May leaned forward as she spoke in an earnest voice. "But some of it was pretty awful. We've seen some terrible things. A lot of very bad things."
Mr. French had a smile that was almost beatific; his bearded face, in fact, glowed.
"You gave us a respite from all that, Mr. Warren."
Miss Hathaway smiled as she clasped her hands and tilted her head. "The wonderful things that took place in your imagination. It was such a delight!"
"It sure was a welcome break from all the awfulness in the world," Elly May said in her enthusiastic voice. Her bright eyes were all aglow.
Mr. French spoke in a voice that was solemn and sincere but also warm and gentle.
"Thank you, Mr. Warren, for our intermission on Judgment Day."
"You're welcome," Brian said quietly.
Once again, Mr. French gestured to the large crowd.
"And now all the people you've helped would like to sing a song with you."
Brian's face lit up, literally. "Really?" he said. "That would be great! I know what song I want to do."
Miss Hathaway held out a finger pressed against her thumb.
"Go ahead and get us started, Brian."
Brian began to sing "Happiness," and as the great multitude joined in, the joyful noise became gradually louder.
Here was this great choir filled with all kinds of people. The sound was incredible and beautiful, and the people were, if you'll pardon a tired old expression, in perfect harmony.
As the crowd sang, people from all across history and all time joined in.
If they had been down on Earth, even assuming they could all fit, the volume of the singing would have shattered the whole world.
And yet for Brian and all his new friends, this was only the beginning.