A/N: Hello everyone, and welcome to this special oneshot, which was requested as a (slightly late) birthday present by my friend nightmaster000. Hope you enjoy it, Night!
For anyone who reads nightmaster000's work over on AO3, I'll admit upfront that a lot of inspiration for this story beyond the basic prompt is based on one particular chapter in his anthology Crazy Irken and ? (which, heads up in you haven't read it already, is NSFW). So, there might be some stuff vaguely lifted from that particular story, but I'm not trying to rip anything off.
Also, yes, I'm using the name Doomsville for the city, but this story is NOT in any way, shape, or form related to New Adventures. I just needed something to call it.
Other than that, nothing to say, so read on!
Disclaimer: Invader Zim forever and always belongs to Jhonen Vasquez; I am but a humble fan.
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Partnering With an Invader
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It was another average day in Doomsville. Which was to say that the atmosphere was dirty and dreary, people ran about being utter morons, and overall, society was slowly breaking down towards a burning dumpster fire under the sheer weight of humanity's incompetence. Or at least, that was the way it was in the view of a certain purple-haired student at the local middle skool – and no, not the one you're thinking of, with the anger issues and the video game addiction.
No, these were the thoughts of Zita Collins, one of the most popular girls in the school, and unbeknown to most, underneath her affable façade was a misanthrope that could rival Gaz or even Miss Bitters, which was the real reason she was the old crone's favorite student; she'd confided in private that she could sense Zita's true personality "in the empty spot where my heart used to be" (Zita had chosen not to question that comment). But she hid this part of herself from everyone for fear of getting ostracized as a weirdo, since frankly being surrounded by people she couldn't stand was still better than being alone.
Still, she could only fake so much, she thought with a sigh as she settled into her desk and waited for class to start. Every day, it just seemed to be more of the same thing, every little detail of the world around her reminding her how horrible it was. Sometimes, it felt like she was the only human being left on the planet who was both intelligent and sane – and she definitely felt the need to add that last qualifier, considering that the Membranes were all geniuses, but Gaz was clearly some kind of sociopath, Professor Membrane was so out of touch from what she'd seen in the news and at Parent-Teacher Conferences that he might as well be on another planet, and the less said about Dib's myriad of issues, the better.
Speaking of whom, he was making his pretty much daily at this point outburst in front of the class. The school day hadn't even properly started yet, and he still seemed it was a good time to once against give a presentation on why Zim was obviously an alien. As usual, pretty much no one had paid him any attention, at least not until Zim had stood up and started screaming at Dib for "besmirching Zim's glorious, totally normal human pig-smelly reputation". From that point on, everyone had been watching in varying levels of amusement as the two rivals got into a screaming match that seemed like it wasn't going to be ending any time soon, and in fact looked like it might get physical any moment.
"I almost hope it does, that'd at least be a little more entertaining," Zita thought, "Maybe Zim will even break out those cool spider leg things of his… nah, then he'd have to come up with a lame excuse for what they are, and watching all these morons eat those obvious lies up tends to be more annoying than amusing."
Which brings us to the key detail of this story – much like the Membrane siblings, Zita knew perfectly well that Zim was in fact an alien, and had never been fooled by his disguise for even a moment. But unlike Dib, she'd also never seen this as a bad thing, since frankly, how could him actually succeeding in taking over the world be worse than letting humans continue to run it into the ground? The atmosphere was so polluted that the sky was red instead of blue most days, any infrastructure not being held up by Membrane Labs' support (which was rather inconsistent due to the Professor's eccentricities) was falling apart, and as previously stated, most humans were so stupid that Zita was convinced that civilization was mostly just continuing on momentum. At least if they got conquered, there'd be an excuse for why everything was terrible.
"And who knows, having a single person in charge to run everything might actually improve things in the long run, as long as he had the right guidance," Zita mused idly, not for the first time. Ever since Zim had arrived, she'd wondered what it would be like if he actually succeeded in taking over the world, and at some point, that had transitioned to fantasizing about helping him do so. Especially with how outright fun some of his schemes came across as, like using that gross zit of his to brainwash people, or that time he turned the class hamster into a kaiju, or that weird slow explosion.
Though admittedly, part of it was also that she hoped that if she were on Zim's side, she could avoid getting caught up in his more extreme plans. Like the whole organ stealing thing (seeing Dib get carted off after being mistaken for a mooing cyborg had not been worth losing a kidney), or nearly drowning when he'd wrecked the city with that giant water balloon. If things like that were going to happen again, she wanted to be out of the danger zone, thank you very much.
And if nothing else, if she allied with Zim, maybe she could finally learn more about him beyond what he presented in public. Like, what did he really look like under that terrible disguise? She'd always wondered, but all she had to go on was Dib's blurry photos and videos, which weren't very helpful. She wanted to know what otherworldly sight was barely hidden under those contacts and that wig…
The sound of chittering cicadas brought Zita out of her inner musings, and she returned her attention to the front of the room just in time to watch Miss Bitters suddenly swoop in, grabbing Zim and Dib by their collars and lifting them into the air. The two boys immediately went still, paling as their teacher leaned down to glare them directly in the eyes.
"Class officially started 10 seconds ago," she hissed, "Which means that instead of just being annoying, you're now being disruptive. Shut up and sit down before I send you both to the Underground Classroom."
"Yes ma'am!" Zim saluted nervously.
"Sorry, Miss Bitters," Dib squeaked out.
Grunting, Miss Bitters dropped them both to the floor, and they quickly scurried to their desks. Once they had done so, she glared at them for a few more moments before turning her attention to the class at large.
"Students, I have been informed by the Skool Board that for some reason we're actually required to show how little your putrid little minds are retaining of your learning," she stated, "As such, each class is being assigned to do history reports, on any subject of your choosing, to be presented at the end of next week. And to further incentivize all you worthless wastes of flesh, a mystery prize will be presented to the best report by each class."
That got the class's attention, excited murmurings running through the room, before Miss Bitters' glare shut them all up so that she could keep speaking.
"Also, in some misguided belief in fostering cooperation and teamwork, this will be a group project. In what the Board says is the spirit of fairness but is probably just an excuse to bureaucratically meddle in every little detail, you will all be paired up with each other at random," she announced, before pulling a remote out of nowhere and pressing a button. In response, tubes emerged from the ceiling and shot rolled up slips of paper down onto the desks.
"Those papers name your assigned partner. And I don't want to hear any complaining, because these choices are final!" she declared. With that order in place, the students began unfolding their papers to see who they were partnered with, Zita doing hers only half-interested, figuring it didn't really matter… and then her eyes bugged out as she saw, clearly printed in bold type, Zim's name.
Oh, wow. That was unexpected. But maybe she finally had an in, she thought with a smirk as she glanced at Zim's back in front of her, the alien apparently looking at his own assignment slip but not reacting either towards it.
"No freaking way!" Sara suddenly shouted from across the room, getting the entire class's attention as everyone turned to look at where she was holding her assignment slip loosely, as if it was something disgusting, "There is no way I'm working with Dib!"
"Well, that reaction's understandable," Miss Bitters commented, ignoring Dib's indignant protest, "But like I said, all assigned partners are final. So, either suck it up and do the assignment with Dib, or accept a fail grade."
There was a moment of silence as Sara apparently considered her options. Then she slowly stood up from the desk, took a deep breath, and with a high-pitched shriek threw herself out the nearest window, hitting the ground below with a sharp crack.
"…That's mildly insulting," Dib said after a moment to consider what had just happened, "Also, this is the ground floor, so she's probably okay, right?"
"In the long-term yes, but considering she landed on her head, she'll probably be in the hospital for a while," Miss Bitters replied casually, glancing out the window at where her student had landed, "In the meantime, that's an automatic fail for both of you."
"Wait, what?! That's not fair!" Dib protested, "Come on, just tag me onto one of the other teams!"
"What makes you think any of us want to work with you anymore than Sara did?" Chunk scoffed, everyone else nodding in agreement.
"Besides which, the rules are clear, pairs only," Miss Bitters chimed in, "Now sit down and spend the rest of the day contemplating how much this failed assignment will ruin your GPA. Silently, preferably, there's only so much miserable moaning I can take."
"That's right, Dib-Monkey, sit and wallow in your failure!" Zim laughed. Dib glared at him, before looking to Miss Bitters in desperation.
"You know Zim's just going to cheat on this assignment, right? You should disqualify him and let me take his place!"
"No way!" Zita exclaimed, only to flush as everyone turned to look at her in confusion, "Er, what I mean is, I can kinda tolerate being stuck working with Zim, but there's no way I'm gonna work with your crazy big head instead."
"Ugh, you're working with Zim?" Aki gagged, speaking over Dib's instinctive defense of his head's size, "Sorry girl, you've got no luck."
"Silence, fool! The purple girl should be honored to be given the glory of working with Zim!" Zim snapped, turning around in his seat to glare at his classmate.
"Shut up, all of you!" Miss Bitters snarled, "Especially you Dib, everything is finalized, stop instigating."
"But, I-"
"That's it! To the Underground Classrooms!" she snapped, pressing a button on her desk. Dib flinched in fear, only to blink as nothing happened. Scowling, Miss Bitters hit the button again, only to get the same result, and again when she hit it a third time.
By this point, everyone was staring at her, the sound of crickets and a light cough breaking the awkward silence. Growling angrily as this moment dragged on, Miss Bitters snatched up a phone handset off her desk and hit one of the speed dial listings.
"Why isn't my button for the Underground Classrooms working?" she demanded as soon as someone picked up on the other end of the line. Her glare only deepened as the other person replied, and she was soon trembling with rage.
"I'm going to rip someone's spine out for this!" she hissed, before slamming the phone back into place and turning her attention back to Dib, "It would appear that the Underground Classrooms are packed to capacity, so they've been sealed off from anyone new being added in for the time being. Which I think is pointless, but apparently my opinion doesn't matter. So instead, you'll be sent to the Chamber of Inconvenience."
In response to that statement, the rear wall of the room split open and a large metal hatch door that looked like it belonged on a Soviet submarine emerged with a hiss of steam. Dib stared at it, more in confusion than fear.
"Has that always been there?" he asked.
"Yes, now move," Miss Bitters said firmly. Reluctantly, Dib got up and walked towards the door, pausing to give a chuckling Zim a glare before his teacher's own sent him scurrying on his way. Reaching the door, he hesitantly pulled it open, walked inside, and shut the door behind him.
"Huh, this isn't so bad," he could be heard vaguely saying.
…
…
…
…
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH! THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE BUT PAIN! WHY IS IT ONLY CALLED THE CHAMBER OF INCONVENIENCE?!" he screamed.
"It's inconvenient for me because you'll survive," Miss Bitters drawled, "Now stay in there for the rest of the day."
"NOOOOOOOO!" Dib screamed, as the chamber withdrew back into the wall, which closed over it. Everyone else stared at this for a few moments, then turned back to Miss Bitters.
"Break up into your pairs and begin discussing plans for your reports. I need to go down to administration and give someone some unwanted chiropractic surgery," she stated, before swooping out of the room.
Once she was gone, chatter broke out as the class started sorting themselves into their assigned pairings. Zita glanced back at where Dib had been banished, morbidly curious what was happening to him in there, before deciding she didn't care and turning back to face forward – and then yelped and nearly fell out of her chair as she saw that Zim was now leaning over her desk, practically in her face.
"Don't do that!" she snapped, leaning back and with a noticeable flush on her cheeks.
"Purple girl, you have been given the honor of being Zim's assignment partner," he stated, "You may now grovel in submission and thank me for being generous enough to accept you."
"…You literally didn't have a choice about it," Zita pointed out, arching an eyebrow.
"Regardless!" Zim shrieked, causing Zita to wince from the volume at such close proximity, "The point is that you shall have the great role of aiding Zim in this project. Er, not that I need your aid, because I am Zim and never need help from anyone for anything, but I suppose I can still use any knowledge you have of human history – even though I have plenty of that, because I am a normal human dirt monkey, just like you!"
"Right, obviously," Zita replied dryly. Seriously, how dumb was everyone else that they fell for this? She didn't know if she should feel better about her own intelligence or worse about how she was an exception that proved the rule.
"Good, I'm glad we understand each other," he said, seemingly very proud of his handling of the situation, "Eh, so, how does this work? Zim has never done a skool project with a partner."
"Well, first we'll need to decide what subject we want to do the report on, then we'll need to actually research and organize all the information, and then decide how we want to present it," she explained, tapping her chin in thought, when something suddenly occurred to her. How this might finally be her chance to get an in with Zim. And it seemed to her that there was one way to guarantee that.
"You know, we're going to need to work on this outside of skool," she stated, "I should probably come over to your house after class is done for the day."
"What?! You actually have the nerve to demand to enter Zim's base?" he exclaimed, Zita flushing as this outburst caused everyone to turn and stare at them for a moment before returning to their own business.
"Would you calm down? We need to meetup outside class to do this. If you don't want me at your house, we can do my place instead," she said, though honestly, she was hoping that he wouldn't agree to that. Not only did she want to see what his house looked like, frankly her parents were embarrassing preppy socialites, and she did not want to see Zim interacting with them, for her own sanity if nothing else.
Fortunately, Zim didn't seem too enticed by the suggestion either. Paranoia about being in an unfamiliar location, maybe? Well, whatever it was, he grimaced and shook his head.
"No, that won't be necessary, we can use Zim's base. BUT! You will touch nothing, and speak to no one of anything that you see inside! Understood, purple girl?"
"Yes. Also, I have a name, would you mind using it?" Zita replied with a mild glare. When Zim just blinked and stared at her, she sighed and added, "It's Zita."
"Yes, right, of course Zim knew that!" he said quickly, making it quite clear that he hadn't known that, but she wasn't going to get hung up over it.
Soon after, Miss Bitters returned from maiming someone in the office, and class resumed. The day then proceeded as usual, eventually letting out as normal at 3 o'clock, with the only abnormality being a singed Dib being allowed to stumble out of the Chamber of Inconvenience and collapsing, needing his sister to swing by the room to grab him and literally drag him home.
Zita, meanwhile, followed Zim down the street towards his house, listening halfheartedly to him as he ranted about whatever popped into his head. Oddly, it wasn't as annoying as it typically was, though whether it was because of Dib's absence or that it was just a one-on-one situation, she wasn't entirely sure. In any case, it was actually a bit amusing, hearing him go on and on about whatever earned his ire.
"…and then the stupid delivery human had the audacity to ask for Zim's parents to sign off on the package, as if Zim wasn't qualified to do so himself!" Zim yelled, gesturing wildly as he told the latest story, "Oh, and if that wasn't bad enough, after I finally convinced him to give me the package and I opened it up, it turned out that all it contained was the Dib-Stink!"
"Wait, what?" Zita asked, blinking in confusion.
"Yes, apparently that was his newest idea for sneaking into Zim's base!" Zim explained, "I'd almost be impressed if I wasn't so furious!"
"…How did he fit inside a package box?" Zita asked, brows furrowing in confusion, "I mean, you'd think his head alone would take up too much room."
"That's what I said!" Zim laughed, which sounded less grating than usual. Zita was actually finding that a lot about him was better when it was just the two of them, rather than him screeching to a crowd or arguing with Dib. Did he feel the same, or would she have to work at that?
Caught up in her own thoughts and listening to Zim's amusing rants, Zita barely noticed when they finally reached his cul-de-sac. Approaching his house (which Zita had always like – eyesore or not, it was at least unique), Zim paused, bringing her to stop beside him.
"Something wrong?" she asked.
"No, I just have to momentarily deactivate my security gnomes or they'll vaporize you," Zim stated, before quickly adding, "Which is a perfectly normal human home defense system!"
"Yeah, sure. Hey, if you have something like this, why didn't you use it that time that Girly Scout was stuck in your lawn?" Zita asked, remembering that annoying brat's face being plastered all over the TV due to the news people taking the situation way too seriously.
"Simple, I, er, because…" Zim tried to explain, only to trail off as he realized he'd done everything except use the gnomes to get rid of that annoying little girl, "Regardless! Just wait for me to deactivate them!"
Zita snickered a little at that, but otherwise quietly obeyed, watching as Zim pulled a fob-style remote out of a pocket and press a button, causing the gnomes to all slightly lean over as they apparently shut down. This seemingly all that needed to be done, Zim marched up to his front door, Zita following right behind. As they reached it, it opened to reveal those two robots Zim used as his fake parents, who leaned down over him as he crossed the threshold.
"Welcome home, son," they said in chorus, Zim ignoring them as he marched into the house. However, as Zita tried to follow, she found the robots suddenly blocking her path.
"Oh, look dear, our son's brought a little lady home!" the Robo-Dad said, getting very close to Zita's face.
"Ooo, our little boy's growing up so fast!" the Robo-Mom wailed happily, pinching Zita's cheek hard enough that she was sure it was going to bruise.
"Uh, Zim?" she called out, feeling slightly intimidated, and also flushing a bit at the implication of what the robots were saying.
"Knock that off!" Zim snapped at the robots, before remembering that they were supposed to be his parents and quickly added, "Eh, I mean, Mom and Dad, please leave Zim's fellow skool worm-baby alone, we have work we need to do."
"But you've never brought any friends home before, kiddo, we just want to get to know her," Robo-Dad protested.
"That's right, dear. And if we're going to have company, you should brush your teeth!" Robo-Mom stated, pulling a large corn cob out of nowhere. Zim and Zita both blinked at that, but before they could respond in any way, she suddenly shoved it into Zim's mouth so hard that it ended up lodging in his throat.
"Well, that's just precious," Robo-Dad commented, as the choking Zim fell on his back and started rolling around, trying to breathe, "Come on dear, let's go get the camera!"
With that, the robots rolled off, smacking into each other and the walls a few times before disappearing into a closet. Only at the sound of its door slamming shut was Zita snapped out of her confusion at what had just happened, at which point she moved to help Zim, pulling him up to a sitting position and smacking his back above that weird metal pod of his until the corn was finally dislodged and he violently spat it out.
"You alright?" she asked, as he gasped for breath.
"Gah, gack, yes," he sputtered, rubbing his sore throat, "Thank you… er, but Zim obviously had that under control!"
"Right, obviously," Zita said, rolling her eyes and standing up, offering Zim a hand when he shakily tried to do the same, though he ignored her to get up on his own, "So, uh, I suppose we should get started on the project now?"
"Hmm? Oh, yes, that. Have a seat," he gestured offhandedly to the nearby couch. Taking a moment to arch an eyebrow at the green monkey painting hanging above it, Zita did as instructed and sat down on one end of the couch, while Zim sat at the other. There was a moment of silence following this as they just stared at each other, before Zim gave an awkward cough and said, "Er, so, Zim is used to working alone, so I'm not quite sure how these 'team projects' work, other than me telling you what to do and you obeying, so-"
"Yeah, no, that's not how it works," Zita cut in, Zim frowning at being interrupted, "Considering that the grading for this report is equal for both of us, that also means the workload has to be equal too. That means you're not in charge, we're partners."
"Tch, as if any human could be an equal partner to Zim," the alien sneered, "And furthermore, I-"
"Who wants waffles?!" a high-pitched voice suddenly shrieked from nearby, making Zita jump in her seat. Turning to face its source, she found Zim's robot dog standing in the doorway to the kitchen, holding a large plate stacked high with waffles. Also, that adorable purple moose thing she'd seen hanging around Zim a few times outside of skool was floating above him.
"GIR! How many times have I told you to not bother me when I have company over?!" Zim yelled.
"Never," GIR replied, cocking his head to one side as he practically sang the word.
"Nyah!" the moose added with a squeak.
"Oh right, we've never had company over," Zim mused, before returning to anger and snapping, "But in any case, we're busy here, so no waffles!"
"Actually, I wouldn't mind some," Zita commented, trying to be polite… until she saw one of the waffles suddenly bubble and spit open, letting what looked like dishwater detergent foam spill out, "On second thought, no thanks, I'm not hungry."
"Awww… more for me!" GIR started to whine, only to perk up and immediately shove the entire plateful of waffles into his mouth. Including the plate itself, not that that seemed to bother him all that much, munching the porcelain along with the fried batter. Watching this, both Zim and Zita shuddered in disgust.
"Gah, Minimoose, get him out of here! We can't focus on this ridiculous skool project with him in here making a mess!" Zim commanded.
"Nyah!" Minimoose squeaked in affirmation, before he began glowing. The same light surrounded GIR and lifted him into the air, dragging him behind the tiny moose as the latter turned and floated out of the room.
"Bye master! Bye master's girlfriend!" GIR said with a cheerful wave as he disappeared from sight, causing Zim to start sputtering and leaving Zita blushing.
"Why do all your robots seem to think we're dating?" she blurted out, before freezing as she realized what she'd just said.
"I don't know, maybe they've been watching too many soap operas- wait, what?" Zim started to say, only to process what exactly Zita had asked him, "Robots? What robots? Zim has no robots, just ordinary parents, and an ordinary dog and an ordinary moose! There are no robots here! Who told you about Zim's robots?!"
As Zim grew increasingly frantic throughout his entire denial speech, Zita quickly tried to think how she could respond in a way that he'd believe, only to realize something – she had wanted an in with him, and while this wasn't what she'd had in mind, she wasn't going to pass up a perfect opportunity when she stumbled onto one. So, taking a breath to steady herself, she gave Zim a firm look.
"Zim, I know for a fact that they're robots, just like I know you're an alien," she said flatly.
"Nonsense! You've spent too long listening to Dib's insane babbling of insanity! I'm normal! I just have a skin condition!" Zim protested.
"Except unlike all those morons out there, I've actually done my research, and there is no skin condition in the world that turns people green and makes them not have noses or ears," Zita countered, "Plus, I've seen all the weird technology and space monsters you bring to skool on a regular basis to fight Dib with. Again, I'm not an oblivious idiot, so yeah, I know."
"…" Zim stared at her quietly for a moment, and then Zita yelped as he suddenly darted forward, spider legs bursting out of his back to cage her, trapping her in place as he leaned in dangerously close to her.
"So, you know Zim's secret, purple Zita-girl? Then behold, Zim's superior Irken might!" he declared, tearing off his wig and contacts and glaring at her as hard as he could.
"…Cool," Zita said, as she found herself staring deep into his ruby eyes. Blushing as she caught herself doing so, she broke the held gaze and looked up to his scalp, staring in fascination at his twitching antennae, "Hey, do you hear with those, or are they for smelling things?"
"Both actually, they're quite versatile- Hey! Don't change the subject!" he said, glare intensifying as he realized he'd been getting sidetracked, "Who else have you told about my identity? Speak!"
"No one," Zita said, forcing herself to stay calm despite the situation, "What, you think I want to be called crazy like Dib? No one would ever believe me, so why bother?"
"Hmm, so you're like Gaz-Beast, with her apathy? I suppose that's better than you actively plotting against Zim like the Dib-Stink," Zim mused, before his eyes narrowed dangerously, "But that doesn't mean you're not a potential threat. Why shouldn't I just eliminate you now?"
"Because even with how oblivious most humans are, someone is bound to notice I went missing after last being seen with you," Zita pointed out, "You really want cops going all over this place looking for me, and maybe stumbling on whatever secret alien stuff you have tucked away here?"
Zim grimaced at that, and Zita kept talking, hoping to hammer her point home while she still could.
"Besides, I can help you," she said, only for Zim to scoff.
"Zim needs no help. I am a master of all infiltration and destruction skills needed to conquer a planet, as any Invader should be!" he crowed.
"I'm sure you are, so shouldn't you also know how to take advantage of any resources you get a chance at?" Zita asked, "Look, my family's got money and connections, and my parents are hands-off enough that they don't really care what I do with any of it. I can put that to good use for you."
Zim frowned contemplatively and then pulled back, spider legs withdrawing back where they came from as he looked her over closely.
"Why would you want to help Zim? You do realize I intend to take over your planet, yes?" he asked, narrowing an eye at her.
"Honestly? Nothing you do could possibly be worse than how things already are," she admitted honestly, "Humans are worthless idiots. People like me and the Membranes are the exceptions that prove that rule, and a look around at what a decaying junkyard that this planet's become to see how terrible letting that majority run the place has been. Anything would be an improvement over this, even enslavement by aliens."
"…Well, now Zim is conflicted. I don't want to help the pig-smellies," Zim muttered, the absurd comment actually making Zita giggle before she caught herself, earning an odd look from Zim in response. Clearing her throat and ignoring the sudden heat in her cheeks, she carried on.
"I think you're looking at it the wrong way," she said, "Just picture it, all those people out there bowing down and thanking you for enslaving them because you made their lives better in the process. You get to be the mighty conqueror and a triumphant hero in the process."
"Hmm, yes, Zim does like the sound of that," Zim admitted, before giving Zita another examining look, "But I still don't see why I'd need your help to do so."
"Well, I'm sure you're very good at researching things about Earth," she said, which she actually doubted, considering that most of his plans only seemed to get by on basic human stupidity, but probably best not to insult him, "But wouldn't it be easier to have someone around who could just tell you what you need to know right away? And again, money and connections you'd have full access to."
Zim frowned, deep in thought but seemingly not fully convinced, and Zita decided to offer a compromise to keep him on the hook and buy herself more time.
"Look, forget about the long term for now. What do you say we just focus on this stupid history report right now? I can prove I can be useful by helping you get the best grade and win that mystery prize, and then you can decide if you want this partnership to keep going. Deal?" she said, offering Zim her hand. Zim glanced at it for a moment, then took it to give a firm shake.
"Agreed," he said, before causing Zita to yelp as he tightened his grip and pulled her closer, suddenly showing a lot of teeth, "But know this, human, if I learn this is all some sort of plot to gain my trust and then betray me, then I swear by the Almighty Tallest that I shall make you suffer like no one on this planet has ever suffered before. Understood?"
"Y-yeah," Zita stuttered. She knew she should be scared by the threat, but the sheer intensity Zim was displaying right now was making her blush. However, as he let go of her hand, something he'd said caught her attention.
"Wait, hang on. Did you say 'Tallest'? Your leaders are just taller than everyone else?" she asked incredulously.
"Of course, it's a far superior form of government than anything you humans have," Zim said defensively.
"Sounds to me like your whole species has a Napoleon complex," Zita snarked.
"A what?" Zim asked, blinking in confusion.
"It's a psychological condition where short people overcompensate by being highly aggressive. It's named after Napoleon Bonaparte, who was a famous conqueror who was mistakenly believed to be short just because he happened to surround himself with people of above-average height," Zita explained, before her eyes widened as a thought came to her, "Ooh, there's an idea. We can do our report on him!"
"Tch, as if Zim wants to do a report on some short human," Zim scoffed, apparently missing the point of what Zita had said.
"He took over most of a continent, and large chunks of a couple of others," she clarified.
"Like Zim said, clearly a worthy subject for us to study," Zim said without missing a beat, before turning his attention to the ceiling, "Computer!"
"What?" a tired-sounding voice responded, Zita jumping in surprise at the sudden sound.
"Bring up all information on this 'Nappy Leon' person," Zim commanded.
"Napoleon, not 'Nappy Leon'. And if it helps, cross-reference the term 'Emperor of France' and the early 1800s," Zita threw in. At Zim's annoyed look, she added, "Just trying to help."
"Processing, processing, processing… results found," the Computer stated, a panel opening in one wall to reveal a screen depicting Napoleon's image, along with a long stream of information.
"Hmm, yes, Zim can work with this," he mused, looking the data over, "It will be smeet's play to draft a report and presentation that will allow me to win this pitiful contest!"
Zita pointedly cleared her throat.
"Er, I mean, that will allow us to win this pitiful contest," he quickly corrected, "That'll take some getting used to… but regardless, let's get to work!"
One Week Later
The week had flown by fairly quickly, Zita and Zim spending each weekday after skool and most of each day on the weekend at the latter's base, working on their report. As they did, Zita slowly managed to worm her way further into Zim's confidence, learning a bit more about him personally – well, once she managed to look past the egotistical self-aggrandizing and probably distorted versions of events he presented, in any case. She'd learned he'd been a scientist before becoming an Invader, which made a lot of sense, and that after some sort of misunderstanding during his people's last attempt at galactic conquest, he'd been banished to work at a fast-food restaurant on another planet before quitting and returning to being an Invader.
Which, she'd realized, explained the time that really fat Irken had come bursting through the ceiling to abduct Zim, as that had apparently been his ex-boss hunting him down. Though she still didn't quite understand how exactly Zim had quit being banished.
In any case, about halfway through this week, Zita had apparently earned enough trust that Zim felt okay with letting her into his actual base beneath the house. And that had just made her day, allowing her to see the awe-inspiring array of alien technology buried beneath the cul-de-sac. Especially when he'd started showing off his experiments, which even when they'd been incredibly bizarre had still been very impressive.
Well, except for one hiccup…
"Why would you give honey badgers sentience and arm them with laser cannons?!" Zita yelled as she and Zim took cover behind a piece of equipment while a group of the newly-intelligent animals fired at them from the weapons strapped to their backs.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time!" Zim protested, "And they're not laser cannons, they're Tesla coil-guns!"
"Oh, that makes me feel so much better!" Zita snapped, flinching as an electrical blast burst close to her head, "And how did they get free in the first place?"
"Lookie at all mah new friends!" GIR said happily as he walked past, covered in honey badgers that were chewing and clawing at him, while he laughed obliviously.
"Of course," Zim sighed in annoyance.
"So, what do we do no- EEP!" Zita yelped as one of the honey badgers suddenly jumped down right in front of her. Not bothering with its weapon, it snarled and leapt right at Zita's face. The girl screamed and threw her hands up to protect herself, but it ended up being unnecessary, as Zim suddenly scooped her and jumped away, PAK legs shooting out to grab ahold of the ceiling, keeping them well out of jumping range of the honey badgers. However, that didn't stop the animals from taking aim with their weapons at their now exposed targets.
Thinking fast, Zita's eyes darted around, looking for a solution. Seeing a transparent pipe with some sort of fluid running through it nearby and acting on instinct, she kicked out hard enough to cause it to burst, the fluid spilling out all over the floor, and more importantly on the honey badgers and their weapons. And while the fluid clearly wasn't water, it was evidently still highly conductive.
ZAP
With high-pitched shrieks, the honey badgers were all electrocuted, and were soon reduced to smoking, charred carcasses.
"…Impressive," Zim admitted after a moment to admire both the quick thinking and the destructive results.
"Thanks," Zita replied smugly, only to blush as she noticed that Zim was still clutching her tightly, "Um, you can probably put me down now."
"Eh? Oh! Right!" Zim said quickly, his own cheeks darkening before he quickly dropped back to the floor, letting Zita scramble out of his arms. The two stared awkwardly at each other for a moment, before Zim very forcibly coughed.
"Right! Let's clean up this mess and get back to work," he said quickly.
"Yeah, right, let's do that," Zita said just as quickly, the two immediately throwing themselves back into their work in order to avoid thinking about what just happened.
That incredibly awkward moment aside, however, things had gone fairly well overall. They'd put together both a pretty good report and a great way of presenting it, if she said so herself. And considering how lackluster some of the other presentations were turning out to be, they were pretty much a shoo-in to win – which, most importantly, meant that she'd have proven her worthiness to Zim, and they could get their partnership officially underway.
"Well, that was terrible," Miss Bitters was saying, as Brian and Chunk finished up their report. Which Zita had to agree with, as not only had they worded their chosen subject matter of the Wild West in the most generic and stereotypical terms possible, but they'd presented it with a puppet show, of all things (though Zim seemed to like that part, oddly enough).
"Uh, does that mean we flunked?" Chunk asked nervously.
"No, unfortunately. Since you actually put the bare minimum of effort into this, you get by with a D."
"If it's not a fail, we'll take it!" Brian said happily.
"Mediocrity is comforting!" Chunk commented, Zita rolling her eyes at how proud he sounded of that ridiculous statement.
"Sit down!" Miss Bitters growled, quickly sending the two students running back to their seats, "Now then, Zita and Zim, you're up next. Try not to be total wastes of time like everyone else has been."
Sharing a look, the two of them stood up to walk to the front of the room, Zita carrying the papers they'd written all their notes down on and Zim lugging a box full of props he'd had the Computer put together. Riffling through it, Zim pulled out a hat in Napoleon's trademark style and a sword that Zita had a sneaking suspicion wasn't a prop (not that she'd comment on it openly). Putting the hat on and holding sword firmly, he turned and gave Zita a nod. Taking that as her cue, she cleared her throat and then began reading.
"Napoleon Bonaparte was born into minor nobility on Corsica in 1769," she read, "Ambitious and seeking to improve his standing, he joined the French military and slowly climbed the ranks, fighting for republican forces during the French Revolution."
"For the glory of Irk- er, I mean, France!" Zim yelled, whacking various dummies in a variety of uniforms with his sword, sending stuffing flying everywhere.
"Napoleon's dedication to the Revolution won him patronage from its leaders, and saw his star continue to rise," Zita read on, "When British-backed enemies of the Revolution's leadership rose up against them, he was the one to lead the assault at the Siege of Toulon that defeated them. And when the remaining royalists tried to bring down the National Convention in a riot against their headquarters, it was his famous 'whiff of grapeshot' cannon attack that scattered them and saved the government."
"Flee before my might, eel-eating British people!" Zim cackled, knocking over several dummies in redcoats before whipping out a cannon-shaped pellet gun and shooting down several other dummies, "Take this, stupid rebel dirt-monkeys!"
"Under the new Directory government, Napoleon would demonstrate his tactical genius in campaigns in Italy and Germany to make France the most powerful country in Europe, before going on to confront the British repeatedly in Egypt and the Middle East," Zita continued. Zim, meanwhile, knocked over a model Sphinx on top of a pile of dummies, jumping on top of them and raising his sword triumphantly.
"Victory for Zim! I mean, for Napoleon!"
"However, things were not well elsewhere," Zita went on, "For while Napoleon was going from victory to victory, the Directory was failing to protect France's territories from attacks by its enemies. Fearing for the future of his country, Napoleon returned to France and, working with others who shared his concerns, overthrew the Directory and created a new government headed by himself as First Consul. Using this new power and authority, he completely overhauled France's laws, making himself so popular in the process that by national vote, he was declared Consul for life, and later the motion was made to crown him as Emperor of France."
"Yes, all kneel before Z-Napoleon!" Zim laughed tossing off his hat and putting on a crown twice the size of his own head. Zita had tried to talk him out of that due to it being inaccurate, but he had insisted, and she hadn't felt like arguing the point.
"As Emperor, Napoleon would lead France to even greater heights of power, sweeping aside all the coalitions of enemies who kept arising to confront him," Zita read, as Zim stood atop a pile of dummies wearing patches depicting various flags, laughing maniacally at his "victory" over them, "And that is why Napoleon is, in our opinion, one of the greatest rulers that Earth has ever known, and would be better off with more like him in charge. And that's our history report, thank you."
"Wait, that's it?" Dib spoke up as the rest of the class halfheartedly applauded and the pair gave melodramatic bows, "What about him losing in Russia, getting defeated and exiled by the Sixth Coalition, then coming back and losing again, then getting exiled for good?"
"The assignment for this report was simply to do it on whatever subject we wanted, Dib-Stink," Zim scoffed as he reluctantly tossed his crown and sword aside, "And we wanted to only discuss Nappy Leon's successes, not his losses that only happened because he was human and not a member of a superior species."
"Oh, yeah, well what about all that crap about Napoleon being a great leader? You completely brushed over how he was an authoritarian despot, that's pure revisionism!" Dib protested.
"That's a matter of scholarly debate," Zita defended. Dib looked at her, seemingly not sure how to respond (he was probably not used to arguing with anyone else during a personal argument with Zim), when Miss Bitters spoke up with a hiss.
"While Dib raises some valid points, I don't like him, so I'll be ignoring them, and hereby give this report an A, making you two the winners of this report," the crone said.
"Yes!" Zita said, holding out a hand that Zim stared at before realizing what she was doing and awkwardly high-fiving her.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Dib exclaimed, "Never mind the blatant rule-bending, not everyone has gone yet! I have a report on the Roswell crash that-"
"Isn't admissible because you've already been disqualified and flunked," Miss Bitters reminded with a glare, which shut Dib up as he squirmed under her look. Satisfied with that, she turned back to Zim and Zita, tossing an envelope at them, "There's your prize. A coupon for MacMeaties that's only good for two days. Enjoy, or don't. I don't care."
"…Hate to say it, but this is better than I was expecting," Zita admitted, glancing inside the envelope at the coupon.
"Zim thought for sure that we'd just get a box of bandages," Zim said with a nod, "So, shall we use this tonight and discuss our future alliance over a disgusting human meal?"
"Might as well, seems like a shame not to use it," Zita replied with a shrug. Dib, meanwhile, blinked in confusion as he heard this, trying to process it.
"Wait, what? What do you mean 'alliance'?" he demanded of the pair.
"Do you know another meaning?" Zim asked with a scoff, "Zita-Human has seen the superiority of Zim and has offered to partner with me in my mission, and I have been magnanimous enough to agree."
"Wait, you two are dating now? When did that happen?" Aki asked, most of the students looking on at the conversation in confusion. Both Zim and Zita blushed in response.
"We're not dating!" Zita yelped, "We're just working together on, um, extracurriculars."
"Yes, we are working together to find ways to raise money to feed, er, homeless chinchillas!" Zim added. Dib and Zita both gave him incredulous looks at that, but to the surprise of neither of them, the rest of the class seemed to accept that ludicrous excuse and went back to minding their own business.
While Zita was rolling her eyes at this latest example of collective human stupidity, Dib was still trying to wrap his head around what Zim had said, before looking at Zita in disbelief.
"Zita, no! Whatever Zim said, he's just using you in some evil plan!" he exclaimed. Zita scowled at that, incensed at Dib actually seeming to believe that she was stupid enough for Zim to fool, like all these other idiots. She had been tempted to just leave him flailing in his ignorance and confusion, but now she wanted to twist the knife a little.
"You know something, Dib?" she asked, leaning in close and whispering low enough that no one but him and Zim could hear her, "You're absolutely right about Zim."
"I, I am?" Dib sputtered, caught off guard by that statement.
"Yes, he's an alien, and he want to conquer Earth and enslave humanity," she continued, "And you want to know the best part? I've known that since day one, and have said anything about it because I don't care. Earth sucks, humanity sucks more, and he couldn't possibly be worse at running things than we've been by ourselves. So, I've decided to help him win, and see what comes of it. So, chew on that, you big-headed freak."
Dib's mouth opened and closed several times, no sound coming out as he tried to compose any sort of response to what she'd just said. Zita was just starting to wonder if he'd stay like that for the rest of the day, when his brain finally seemed to reboot, and he looked at her with a mix of disgust and rage, going red in the face.
"You… you… traitor! Fifth columnist! Planetary sellout!" he screamed, immediately regaining the attention of the class.
For her part, Zita merely raised an eyebrow before turning to her teacher.
"Miss Bitters, I think Dib's having another breakdown. Do we have any more crazy cards to have him sent away again?" she asked.
"No, unfortunately, we've run out for the month," Miss Bitters replied, "But, between this and the automatic fail from the report, I can at least put him back in the Chamber of Inconvenience again."
That snapped Dib out of his righteous rage, and he looked at the crone in horror.
"No, please, anything but that!" he pleaded, only for Miss Bitters to grab him by the collar and start dragging him away, "Wait, Miss Bitters, you have to listen to me! Zita's a collaborator! Zim's convinced her to betray the planet! You have to let me stop them before-!"
"Shut up before I decide to forget to let you out for the weekend," Miss Bitters snapped, tossing Dib into the chamber and shutting the door.
"NOOOOO!" Dib screamed, as the Chamber once again disappeared behind the wall. The students looked on at this in total apathy, then shrugged it off and went back to paying attention to Miss Bitters as she got the class back on track.
For their part, Zim and Zita shared a laugh at Dib's fate before returning to their seats, both quietly reflecting on how well this partnership was already working out. There was no telling what would happen now that they were committing to it beyond schoolwork, and they were both eager to discuss things over their meal together tonight – which was not a date, absolutely not, neither of them was interested in that kind of relationship.
Not now, anyway. But who knew what the future might hold?
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The End
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A/N: Honestly, not all that satisfied with the ending, but then again, I rarely am.
Anyway, hope you all enjoyed this, especially you nightmaster000. This pairing was a bit outside my usual zone, which is why it might feel a little all over the place, but I like to think it was still fun regardless.
Fun little bit of trivia, I gave Zita the last name Collins as a reference to her voice actor Mo Collins.
See you all around in future stories. Until then, please review!