"And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder." - Hey Jude - The Beatles (Lennon/McCartney)

Putting aside the drama I caused with our pregnant wives, the trip to the cabin that Labor Day weekend was one of the best ideas I ever had. It's not possible to fix all that was broken in three days but it was a damned good weekend and I saw Jack and Bobby start to open up to Kid. I also saw Kid relax more with them.

I think it did Kid and I both a lot of good to see our sons living the kind of life that we should've. That weekend was just all about catching frogs and fishing and toasting marshmallows. In a way, I think it healed the children we'd been as much as anything else.

The night before we headed for home, we made s'mores and sang songs around the fire. Once the boys were in bed, Kid and I just sat by the fire looking out at the lake.

"Thank you," Kid said softly.

"You want to thank someone, thank your wife," I replied.

He looked at me weird so I went on.

"Joanie and I brought her and the kids up here while you were gone. She kept saying how much you would love it here. I knew she was right and I could see it even more once you got back. The open space and fresh air."

"It's beautiful here," he said. "I was a little worried it might be too much like a jungle but it's exactly what I needed."

Kid right then was more relaxed than I'd seen him since before he enlisted. I stayed quiet so he could open up about anything else he might want to. He took a deep, shaky breath before speaking again.

"The boys still love me. I doubted that. I don't know why…you probably do."

I smiled and chuckled a bit.

"I do actually. You're mad at yourself for not being here for them and for their mom. You transferred that onto them. You haven't forgiven yourself so you don't think they should forgive you. What you don't see is that they were never mad at you. Of course they love you. You're their dad. They practically worship you."

Kid sighed and in the flickering campfire, I could see the tears standing in his eyes.

"Have you forgiven me?" he asked like he was afraid of the answer. "I know you're still my brother and I know you still love me. Like I know Lou still loves me. I haven't had the nerve to ask her if she's forgiven me yet and there's more than you know that I needed to apologize to her for. But have you? Are you still angry?"

"I'm angry for the time we lost but not at you–not anymore. I was for a while. I think you being there for me when Joanie had her little…episode made it possible for me to forgive. Hell, I was doing a lot of forgiving right then. You, Joanie…I think I even forgave Sarah a little. Not entirely, mind you."

Kid laughed at that.

"Are we good to talk about the weird connection we have? We've danced around it some. I knew you never gave up and you somehow knew I was still alive."

"I would know if you were dead. I just would. I could close my eyes and feel you still out there and I knew if you were alive that nothing would stop you from getting back to your family. It don't make sense but I tried to send some strength your way."

"I felt it. I could hear you. Remember once I told you that sometimes I could hear you praying?"

I nodded.

"I heard Hebrew. I didn't understand it, of course. Just the beginning because you explained the Chanukah blessings and they start the same way. Am I crazy? Was I just wishing or could I really hear you praying for me from the other side of the planet?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I prayed a lot for you and, yeah, I pray in Hebrew. Maybe God knew we needed to know the other was still there. Hell, I can't explain it but I knew with everything in me that you were still out there. I know others thought I was deluding myself. Even Joanie lost hope. We had a couple real nasty fights about it. After a while she stopped bringing it up and would say she believed. She didn't though. Just me and Lou. We knew you'd come back."

"I'm sorry I caused fights with you and Joanie."

I shook my head.

"Water under the bridge. She was so grateful to have been wrong."

"How long do you think it'll be before Lou forgives me?"

I let out a long breath.

"You're gonna have to take that up with her," I told him. "She don't talk to me like she did while you were gone. She might've already forgiven you. And there might be a little piece inside her that's always mad. I don't know. I know how badly she broke when you came up missing. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I never thought she could fall apart like that but…"

I trailed off more because I didn't want to elaborate. Kid, to my knowledge, didn't know how Lou had reacted at that time and there was no sense sending him on a guilt trip.

"Theresa filled me in. Don't know if she'll ever forgive me either."

"I think the forgiveness you need to seek is from the guy in the mirror. I know you're pissed as hell but you should cut him some slack."

"What was I thinking?"

I laughed a bit at him.

"I ain't so sure you were thinking. Seems like you were just reacting to things happening around you."

Kid laughed then. It was a good, hearty laugh and it did my heart good to hear it.

"I think you just spoke a world of truth there, Jimmy."

His laughter stopped and he sighed heavily before speaking again.

"You're too easy on me," he said. "If situations had been reversed, I would have punched you in the face for a decision like that. I would've called you on your stupidity. I don't know why you didn't slug me or something. Something to stop me from being such a fool."

"There was a time when I would've," I admitted. "But we ain't kids no more. We weren't then either. It ain't my place to tell another full-grown man what to do about his responsibilities. Hell, I ain't even sure what I would have done in your shoes. What if I'd known about Dean when Sarah was expecting or when she first had him? Shit, good thing I had a job with Al or your decisions would look downright genius in comparison."

He nodded.

"Still, she should have told you."

"Yeah but she was still trying to get me sent to prison when she found out she was pregnant. Not sure how that didn't come up in her statements."

"Maybe she wasn't sure–you know, who the father was."

I nodded my agreement.

"I mean, he looks just like you," Kid went on. "But it was probably a little while before she could tell."

I thought on that. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before but with all the guys she slept with, she probably didn't know who's baby she was carrying.

About then I realized how late it was getting.

"Well, we probably oughta hit the sack or we'll never make it through the drive tomorrow."

I got up to go back to the cabin.

"If you don't mind, I think I'm gonna sleep out here tonight."

I shook my head.

"It's a good spot to sleep," I told him and then smiled. "Even better when you're not alone, but you didn't hear that from me."

Kid laughed and we bid each other good night.

I got into the cabin to find Dean sitting on the couch in the main room.

"Hey buddy, what's going on?"

"I couldn't sleep. Is Uncle Kid okay?"

I nodded.

"He's better than I've seen him in a long time. He's going to sleep out by the lake. I've done it myself a time or two. The waves lapping at the beach are really soothing."

Dean nodded but still just sat there looking past me.

"You want to tell me what's wrong?"

"Can I sleep with you?"

"Of course. Is there a specific reason or are you just generally uneasy?"

He shrugged and headed toward the room I was sleeping in. I followed.

I walked in to find him already in bed. He was curled away from me. I crawled in bed next to him and patted him on the shoulder.

"You don't have to talk to me but it might make it easier to sleep."

"You'll get mad," he said and I heard the shake in his voice.

"I bet I won't."

"You will. I know it."

"Then let's make a real bet if I get mad then we'll stop and pick up some fudge just for you on the way home. Any kind you want. If I don't get mad then you have to share your fudge with me. How's that sound?"

"Yeah, okay."

Dean didn't sound that excited for fudge even. This might be serious.

"I-if you do get mad," he said tentatively, "can I go out and sleep on the beach with Uncle Kid?"

I chuckled to myself at that.

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure you're gonna be sharing that fudge though."

I heard him shifting to sit up and face me so I sat up and sat cross-legged facing him too.

"Can I say something before you start talking?"

I heard him whisper a soft "yes".

"I don't know what it looks like when your mom gets mad but you need to know that I don't hit. Given the time it is and that there's folks trying to sleep, I'll go one further and say I won't yell either. I can yell though, if I'm mad enough. But I do not hit. You will not be hurt no matter what. I really need for you to know that."

"I know, Dad."

He might have known but his voice betrayed him and told me he still thought I might hit him.

"I don't want a little brother or sister. I just don't. I try to pretend to be happy but I'm not. I don't want the baby to come at all. I know that's selfish because you and Mammaleh would be sad but I'm sad now and I just know I'll be sadder when the baby's here. You won't have time for me and Mammaleh won't either. I'm thinking that maybe once the baby's here, I don't want to come over anymore. I'd miss you but then I think maybe that'd be better than coming over and...well, you know."

He stopped talking and I heard him suck in air and hold his breath. Yeah he thought for sure I'd hit him or wake the whole cabin by yelling or something.

"You're sharing that fudge with me, Buddy."

"Huh?"

"You lost that bet pretty solid," I explained. "I'm not mad at all. I'm sad. You're right that we'd be awfully sad if the baby didn't make it but I'd be just as sad not to have you around. So would Joanie. We love you and we'll make time because you just make time for the things and people that are important to you. You're important, Dean. To me, to Joanie, to Aunt Judy and all the rest of your aunts and uncles…You can't be replaced. We love this baby for sure but no more or less than we love you. You're my son. If I had a dozen more boys, you'd all be just as precious to me and you'd still be my firstborn. You'd still be the one who made me a dad. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I think so. I love you, Dad."

"I love you too. More than you'll understand until you're much older."

I sighed and just hoped I'd gotten through to him.

"How about some sleep before we tackle that long drive home tomorrow?"

"Okay."

The next day we stopped for that fudge in Mackinaw City on the way home and then made it back to Detroit. I dropped Kid and his boys off at his place and then went to take Dean back to Sarah's. He had school the next day after all.

I headed toward her place but then decided to make one more stop on the way. I pulled into an ice cream parlor. We ordered a couple of cones and went to sit at a nearby bench.

"I know I have to get you home soon," I said. "But I need to make sure we're okay–more to the point, that you are. It took all kinds of courage to tell me what you did. I'm proud of you for speaking your mind. I tried to help you but I don't know if I did. Are you still feeling like you don't want a little brother or sister?"

He shrugged.

"It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. You don't know what it's going to be like and that's a scary thing."

"It's never going to be for me like it is with Bobby and Jack or any of the others," he said. "I'm gonna be nine by the time it's born. We can't really play together. It's weird and I don't know…I just…don't know."

I smiled. It made sense now.

"You know the first day that Joanie and I met you was kind of a difficult day for her," I told him. "Oh she loved you the minute she laid eyes on you and don't you doubt it for a minute either. But she didn't know how to be a stepmom. She didn't know how to parent an eight year old. She didn't know where her boundaries were and she didn't know if you liked her or if you'd find any common ground."

I paused and let that sink in.

"You don't really know how to be a big brother. You tried to find a role model among your cousins and their situations don't really apply to you. You'll get a few months of watching how Bobby and Jack handle their new sibling–it's a pretty sizable gap between them and their new sister or brother–but it's a tougher dynamic for you. I know that. Even once he or she isn't in diapers and can run around and talk and stuff, you won't have much in common and you won't be there everyday to really get to know him or her."

I looked at him with my eyebrows raised and he nodded and looked relieved that I seemed to get it.

"Though if you're looking for role models, look at Theresa. She's really Bobby and Jack's aunt but she's more like a big sister to them. Or watch Jesse with Sarah Jean and Michael. And, honestly, I think if you relax and keep talking out your feelings with me, you'll figure out how to be a great big brother to Noah…or Aaron…or whatever we settle on for a girl name."

He nodded somberly and then something seemed to occur to him.

"Dad? Why don't I have your last name?"

"Well, your mom was raising you all alone so I expect it was easier for her to use her last name and I know she didn't put me on your birth certificate at first. She didn't put anyone down as the father for a while. I don't know all the reasons why; eventually she did put my name there but never changed your last name. Why do you ask? Do you want my name?"

He looked to be considering it for a moment then nodded.

"Dean Hickok sounds better than Dean Downs."

"I'll ask Joanie what we need to do to make that happen. Pretty sure that's a lawyer thing."

He smiled at me then.

"I guess I'd better get you home so you can get a good night's sleep before your first day of school tomorrow."

I took him home to his mom and then went home to my girl. I found her sitting on the front porch in the rocking chair that was out there. She had a lemonade on the table next to her and a book in her hand. It was a book I'd bought a couple years before. The Chosen by Chaim Potok. I found it fascinating as it delved into what it was to be Jewish in America at the end of WWII and specifically Orthodox and Hasidic Jews. She must have just been looking for something to pass the time and she seemed very involved in the story. She didn't even look up when I pulled into the driveway.

I got out of the car and she still hadn't looked up at me. I got on the porch and wasn't sure if I should disturb her by announcing my presence or just sneak in the house and grab a book to read myself.

"Welcome home," she said, startling me out of my thoughts. "I remember you telling me about this book when you read it. It really is interesting."

"Hi Joanie. I didn't mean to disturb you. You looked so peaceful and happy when I pulled up. It is a good book though."

She smiled and set the book down next to her lemonade.

"Did you have a good time?"

"Yeah," I replied, settling into the chair on the other side of the little table. "I think it was good for everyone. How was your weekend?"

"Actually, it was really nice. Lou and I went to a Tiger game and Judy and I went shopping. I needed some clothes with looser waistbands and I got some things for the nursery. There was a cookout at Emma's earlier today. Sherry had an announcement. She's expecting again."

"Sounds like a full weekend…but a good one."

Joanie nodded and picked the book back up. I squeezed her free hand and headed into the house to toss my clothes from the weekend into the dirty clothes bin and start a load of wash before picking up a book I'd been reading. I believe it was Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? I'd kind of gotten into science fiction and that book was all the rage that year along with a few other titles in that genre. I think a lot of folks were into sci-fi.

Anyway, I grabbed the book and made a quick stop in the kitchen to spoon some ice cream into classes and pour some Vernor's over it. Then I headed to the porch. It was a nice evening and Joanie had the right idea just sitting on the porch and enjoying a good book. It's still a good way to spend an evening.

I brought the floats out and sat them on the table. Joanie looked over and giggled.

"You must be some kind of mind reader. I was just thinking about some ice cream. I'm glad to have you back, my love."

Hello again. So, some healing in this chapter. And Dean kind of broke my heart a little. I think he'll be fine in time. I don't recall if I'd mentioned Vernor's before but it's a ginger soda here in Michigan (and a few other states too, I think). It makes a really good float. I know I've talked about my great-grandparents' cabin before but evenings there were always spent around the kitchen table listening to the Tigers on the radio (Ernie Harwell). Everyone had their own game of solitaire going and we would be munching Planter's cheese balls and having some Vernor's floats. Even then, as a child, I knew it was special. Now, I think I'd give about anything to go back to that table.

As for anything else, I don't think there's anything really in need of explanation. I do really recommend The Chosen. I've not read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? But the Movie Blade Runner was based on it. I like to watch sci-fi but I don't read it often. Seemed like Jimmy Might though.

Well, the Tigers open their season on the road in Chicago-the South side...where Leroy Brown hailed from. Go Tigers!

I meant to have this chapter up sooner but I've had some health issues of late. Currently I'm dealing with Bell's Palsy which just sucks giant donkey balls. Seeing is hard because I can't close one eye all the way (I tape it shut at night so it doesn't dry out too badly) so it's either blurry because it's dry or because it's overcompensating for the dryness by watering. I can't talk right because, well, half of my mouth is paralyzed and I can't smile with only half a face either. And it hurts. I didn't know Bell's Palsy was painful until it felt like someone was stabbing me in the head. It's been nearly 4 weeks and no signs of improvement at all. I'm starting to get depressed. So I didn't feel like writing for a while. But I knew I had to. So here it is. I hope everyone out there likes it. I think I got the interaction between Jimmy & Kid pretty good. That part needed a lot of editing. And I hope I'm successfully making Dean a real character and not just some carboard cutout of a child to stand there and be cute.

So let me know what you thought. I don't think it looks like anything too gloomy is on the horizon but then...you never know when the doomydooms will pop up.-J