DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Live with it, ya filthy animal.
Chapter 2: A wolf in girls' clothingIt all started with a wedding.
I might not have cared all that much if it had been just Sam's wedding. If it hadn't also been Emily's wedding—my cousin, who was like a sister to me—I thought I could've handled it. I wished I could hate Sam's wife, just like any other girl would hate the wife of her high-school sweetheart if it weren't her. But I could never be just like any other girl.
And this could never be just like any other wedding.
This was a werewolf wedding.
Sam had Jacob as his best man. Behind them stood the rest of the pack, lined up like dominoes on Sam's left. I was the only werewolf in the bridal party, and I stood out. The albino paled in comparison.
Bella stood close to me, just a little behind my shoulder. We were exact opposites—like a desert lily next to a cactus. Bella had fair skin, long mahogany hair, and eyes that twinkled with insight when she saw through the human interpretation of strange behaviors to their supernatural origins.
I couldn't help but feel like everyone was staring at my long, russet-colored limbs, my gawky, affronted posture—arms always crossed, a permanent scowl fixed on my face—and my strange, wild eyes, which darted back and forth as if expecting an attack from all sides.
Jacob, as usual, was gawking at Bella from his spot next to Sam. I rolled my eyes.
How did I let this happen? I wondered.
It was a question I'd been grappling with since four in the morning when I was pulled out of bed to start "getting ready." After my second cup of coffee, I realized 'getting ready' was code for talking Emily off the ledge of her sanity.
Emily was running around the house with the energy of ten men, her hair still up in large pink curlers and held tight with a shower cap. She wore striped boxer shorts—which had obviously once belonged to Sam but had since been surreptitiously repossessed—and a Move to Higher Ground t-shirt. Her face was flushed, eyes bright, and I found myself unable to say no and burrow myself in the bedsheets when I smelled bacon burning in the kitchen.
"Do you think I should do the winged eyeliner or the smoky eye?" Emily asked Kim for the fifth time.
"Why not both?" Kim muttered, still working through her morning funk.
"That's a great idea!" Emily exclaimed.
"I don't think you need any makeup," I grumbled, trying to earn brownie points.
Emily ignored me, and there was a heavy silence in the kitchen until Bella inquired about the seating arrangement.
It only got worse when Rachel arrived.
I still didn't like Rachel one bit. If I were honest with myself, most of my dislike was jealousy. I was greener than a fried tomato when it came to Jake's sister. I hated Rachel's stupid, shit-eating grin whenever we were in the same room; I hated her long, raven hair that leaned against her back, straight as an arrow, the same way mine used to before I chopped it all off in a fit of rage with a pair of kitchen shears. I hated how Rachel ran off and escaped the fate dealt to all the other teenagers who had stayed while the Cullens lived in Forks, but mostly, I hated that I hadn't done the same.
After my "incident" she'd been reclusive and distant; I hadn't seen her without Paul standing between us until the wedding day. Her eyes were wide, a deer caught in headlights, and I felt like a monster truck barging through the woods, knocking down everything in its path. The river of guilt and shame battled with the volcano of righteous anger on my sternum. In response, I acted like a statue, a body trapped in stone. I hardly even moved; if I had to, I was slower than an average human, checking every muscle at intervals to ensure none acted of their own volition again.
Rachel barged through the door, her arms filled up with bags of nonsense. Her bruised eyes had healed up quite a bit since I'd broken her nose and were mainly yellow now, but I still couldn't look at her face. I didn't participate in the makeup portion of the morning, treating Rachel like an empty space. My eyes passed right over her.
I didn't understand why one might need an entire case of different shiny eyeshadows or why so many brushes were necessary, so I was steadfast in my refusal to wear any of them.
I was beginning to regret that decision.
All the other girls looked gorgeous in the afternoon sun, just a couple of hours before sunset. Kim even managed to pull off the hideous yellow crêpe dress Emily made us all wear since I'd ruined the final fitting, and they'd had to make last-minute arrangements. Everyone else had dressed up, too—Billy was even wearing a tie. Charlie and Sue wore identical smiles as they held hands and watched the newlyweds recite their vows.
I didn't hate Charlie per se, but I certainly didn't like him dating my mom. I thought it was suspicious how, less than six months after my father's death, his supposed "best friend" was swooping in and stealing his wife. So, I avoided looking at them, even though I longed for my mother's support.
The flower girl was Emily's niece, Claire. She had tucked a mass of wildflowers into her two black braids while sitting in the grass and waiting for the ceremony to start. She wore a yellow lace dress and carried a small basket full of pink petals. I watched the young girl longingly. More than anything, I wished I could've been young again when it was acceptable to curl up in my mother's lap and cry until I ran out of tears.
Physically, I was present for the ceremony, but I couldn't recall what happened if there were a gun to my head. The only words I heard were when Emily finally gasped, "I do," and threw her arms around Sam's neck.
The crowd erupted in applause, and the band began to play the wedding march. Here comes the bride, all fat and wide, I sang along in my head. Here comes the groom; I'll build him a tomb.
The wedding was in Emily's backyard, so the smiling guests meandered over to the white plastic tables set up against the porch. Bella and Jacob were glued at the hip, lost in each other and their little bubble.
Ever since the danger had passed, Jacob and Bella were always consumed with each other, every moment saturated with their love for one another. The others thought it was cute. I found it annoying. The only two people I didn't mind being around were obsessed with one another, leaving no time for me. I often felt like a third wheel when they tried to be friendly and include me.
Bella needed less supervision with Jake on her tail. I'd long since given up my contingency plans for when Jacob realized he hadn't actually imprinted on my lovable human friend. I had still sworn myself to Bella's protection, but Jake was more than capable of defending her physically, and now that they were practically glued at the pelvis, it was hard for me to get any time with her. With the vampire army defeated and the vultures gone, there were no more vampires to chase. I could let my guard down if I wanted.
I didn't want to. The walls I'd built were the only thing keeping me from dealing with the world of heartache outside. I couldn't look at the happy couples, particularly not the woman vowing to love and protect my high-school sweetheart, the man I'd given up my senior year for, only to be left in the dust.
But I wasn't wanted anymore.
The force of a river bore down on my shoulders, threatening to bring me to my knees.
I focused on the rest of the party, squashing the thorny thoughts deep down in my chest, piercing my lungs like I would cry. Embry and Quil tried to flirt with a group of uninterested girls from the rez. Paul and Rachel were sitting at one of the plastic tables on the opposite side of the yard, their heads close together, lips moving in hushed whispers. Seth, Brady, and Collin tried to open a bottle of champagne by breaking the neck on the side of the porch but were suddenly stopped by Jared, who scolded the boys like they were his sons. Kim entertained Claire on the back porch stoop by teaching her how to make a daisy chain.
I was frozen, watching the pack laugh and celebrate, feeling like a party crasher. Worse than that, the realization that I was the only one not having any fun came crashing down on me. This was supposed to be a celebration of love, but I was poisoning it with my grief and cynicism. I felt like a worm who had burrowed into a nice, juicy apple, taking it all for myself and ruining it for others who came across the orchard, starving, biting into the ripe fruit only to find it rotten and hollow.
My feet began to back away into the forest without consciously deciding to. Everyone else was distracted by the newlyweds emerging from their house in more casual garb; Emily's eyes were misty and wet as they looked out at the crowd. I doubted she could see any of the faces, let alone her surrogate sister escaping from the party. Not that we'd been so close lately; after what happened with Rachel, I'd been a fly on the wall at best and an unavoidable menace at worst.
Was it possible for me to leave without anyone noticing? If anyone could, it would be me, I thought glumly. I was an afterthought, an inconvenience the whole pack had to endure. They would be happier if I were gone.
The scene became smaller as I backed into the trees. Before I could blink, I was standing in the woods, surrounded by the chirp of cicadas and the bustle of the forest at night. I looked around me as the traitorous tears built up against my eyelashes.
I balled my fists up at my sides. I would not be so weak as to cry over Sam, who didn't deserve any more of my tears. I'd cried over him enough for a lifetime.
With that thought, the bottomless pit of sadness smoldered like coal, turning into anger. I ripped up the ugly yellow bridesmaid dress as my vision turned red, phasing into an oversized, mutant wolf. With all the others at the wedding, my mind was empty of the usual chatter, and I could finally hear the gears in my mind churning.
Which is precisely what I didn't want. I'd been avoiding my thoughts for as long as I could remember. They stung like bees as they bounced around in my head—no, like hornets. Bees only stung once. The same thoughts kept burning and bruising my mind over and over again.
Sam, I sobbed, hanging my head low and taking a ragged breath in, trying to forget the sting of rejection from the only man I'd ever truly loved besides my father.
The thought of my father seemed to quiet all the other noises. I heard my dad's voice in my head. Forgive and forget. If you can't forgive, then just forget it.
I'd tried forgiveness. It worked to a certain extent. I could forgive Emily for loving Sam, even after everything he'd put us through. I could forget her betrayal and stand next to her at the wedding. I had tried to forgive Sam, but it was impossible with his voice telling me what to do for the pack.
The sun sloped below the roof of trees, slanting through the leaves and tinting the world with dark, hazy green. Smaller animals started waking up, rustling in the undergrowth, scurrying away when they heard the rapid beating of my heart.
I envied them. They didn't have heartbreak, betrayal, or death. They had only now, the moment in which they found themselves. I wanted to live like that.
Then an idea occurred to me. What separated me from the wildlife? I had all the right equipment. Fangs? Check. Claws? Check. An empty belly? Check. Maybe I could go wild, like a real wolf.
So, I started running.
I ran for days. I ran until my legs felt like jelly. I ran until my heart was thundering in my chest. I ran until a thick layer of dirt coated my throat, and every breath felt like knives cutting into my chest. I ran until I felt nothing.
I followed the sun as it crept up over the trees. I was headed East, but not necessarily in any particular direction. The only place I was trying to go was away from Sam.
Finally, my paws sloshed into a slow stream. I paused for a moment, dipping my head down into the cool water and drinking deeply from the spring. When I lifted my muzzle, I was face to face with my reflection, staring back at the black eyes I'd inherited from my father.
Leah? Seth's voice popped up in my head.
Leave me alone, I growled.
Where are you? We've all been worried about you.
I'm nowhere. Don't worry about me.
But—
Leave me alone! I repeated, snapping my jaws like he was in front of me.
At least tell me when you're coming back, Seth insisted.
I looked back down at the water. My cold, black eyes glared back at me, but I could only see Emily's face watching from her window—the last time Seth had seen her. Had they left for their honeymoon yet?
Em's worried about you too, you know, Seth added. They stayed up all night waiting for you to return so they could leave.
The idea of going back to make Emily and Sam feel better about breaking my heart made me throw my head back and howl in anguish. I felt a sob crack open my chest, stealing my breath away and obstructing my throat with a big lump of grief. I couldn't breathe. It felt like Sam had cracked open my ribcage and stolen the heart that beat for him.
The pain was so terrible that my instincts kicked in. I was gone; the wolf had taken over.
It was a strange sensation to be in the passenger seat of my mind. It reminded me of when I'd learned to drive, and I stopped looking out the windows to the side of the road; I only saw the windshield from then on, paying attention to whether or not the driver stayed in the right lane. But I'd returned to looking out the window now, and I could see the forest passing just like when I was younger and used to watch the mossy trees as they flew by.
I let the wolf live wild, eating raw animals I'd killed myself, surviving on the bare minimum. I hardly heard what the pack tried to say to me. Seth's pleas to come home fell on deaf ears as I stepped back, allowing the spirit of the wolf to take control of my body. Weeks passed, then a month, and then more, until I lost track of time, then forgot about its existence. The sun told me when to wake up and when to sleep. I swept through states and countries without recognizing the names. Occasionally, something in me stirred, but I swallowed it down, refusing to acknowledge the ball of guilt in my throat.
It wasn't ideal. But it was better than feeling.
I was a wolf. I was starving.
I wasn't in a good place to be starving. The rest of the pack was human, just me and Seth. When alone with my brother, I tended to lean forward, out of the backseat, and listen to him. I told myself I was only keeping tabs on his activity to ensure nothing was wrong with our mother. If I were being honest, I missed my family greatly, particularly my brother, but I couldn't think about that. It made me feel more human-something I avoided at all costs.
I lurked on the edge of a carnival at night, the big wheel turning in time with the lively, dissonant music echoing off the mountains in the distance. An ordinary wolf wouldn't have ventured that close to the noise. The terrain was smooth and flat here, like a great big sea of light green, dotted with purple wildflowers, nowhere to hide but in the tall grass. Among the commotion of the festival, a rich, salty, meaty smell wafted in on the late summer breeze, hot and moist.
Hot dogs was the first coherent thing I thought. I smell hot dogs.
I loved hot dogs. My stomach growled in agreement.
I'd become adept at going on instinct, so, without thinking, I jumped onto the nearby hot dog stand and ate directly from the boiling water. It didn't burn at the time; after the first bite, I hardly tasted anything. I ate too fast, scarfing all the food down without taking a breath, only stepping away when my stomach twisted painfully.
Only after I jumped off the hot dog stand—knocking it over and spilling scalding water into the dirt—did I hear Seth's voice ringing in my ears.
No! Get outta there! That was a terrible idea, Leah.
I couldn't agree. Hot dogs had never tasted so good, even if they did make my stomach turn with nausea.
Once they were gone, however, I had to admit that my younger brother was right. After wolfing down the whole stand, I faced a big crowd of angry carnies with an absurd—and frankly unnecessary—amount of guns.
I only got away because of my speed, and overweight, drunken hicks primarily pursued me. I would've been able to outrun them faster if the hot dogs hadn't been sloshing around in my belly. Once their voices died out behind me, I crouched over a nearby brook and barfed the entire contents of my stomach. It had been a while since I'd eaten something that wasn't raw and bloody; my stomach wasn't used to it.
It was after I'd drank enough to fill my sore, empty belly that I realized there was no going back to the wilderness. I'd tasted human food for the first time since the wedding, and now the voices in my head were shouting for my attention.
Leah! Where the hell have you been, loca? Paul greeted.
Hey! She's listening to us! What's up, Lee? Give up on deer meat yet? Embry wondered.
Aww, c'mon! Quil whined. Ten blissful months of silence, and now she decides to come back?
Don't be rude! Seth barked. You'll make her go away again.
Would all of you just shut up? I moaned, curling into a ball next to the stream. I feel like I just got punched in the stomach.
You did eat three gallons of dirty hot dog water, Jared pointed out.
Which part of 'shut up' did you not understand?
You've been gone too long, Collin thought. You'll get used to the voices again, eventually.
I wish Jake was here, Brady added longingly. He's been missing you, Leah.
Despite myself, I pulled my lips back in a wolfy grin.
Tell him I said to fuck off.
Embry, Quil, Paul, and Jared howled in laughter. He'll be happy you said hi, then! Quil hooted.
I growled in response, closing my eyes and trying to reorient myself to the pack mind.
Mom has been worried sick, Seth began in an accusatory tone. When are you coming back?
Who said I was coming back?
Well, you're listening to us again, Jared noted.
And you're not exactly doing great, Lee, Embry commented.
You said yourself you feel like you got punched in the gut, Quil thought. And you don't belong out there on your own. C'mon, just come back so Seth will quit blaming us for your mom's bad mood.
I think what Quil means—Embry interjected, hearing the expletives erupting in my head—is we're sorry, Leah. We shouldn't have been so mean to you.
I'm not sorry. I'm mean to everyone, Paul argued.
Ok, everyone but Paul is sorry, Embry amended.
I'm not promising anything, Quil added. You know we can't filter our thoughts here. And you can be a brat, Leah.
So can you, bratwurst.
At least Sam isn't here, Embry noted. Then we'd have to watch the whole soap opera unfold.
Hey! I cried indignantly.
I mean, I get it, Embry backpedaled. Trust me, we ALL get it, but we're tired of it. Aren't you?
I was so, so tired.
I'm not coming back, I declared.
Where are you going to go? Jared asked.
I don't know. But I'm doing it human, so none of you imbeciles are in my head.
But, Leah, Seth whined, beginning to run as if he could catch up to me. You have to come back.
Why? I snapped. What do I owe to you or anyone else on the rez? What have they ever done to us besides tear our family apart? Shakily, I got to my feet, moving east along the river.
But Jake is coming back soon, too, Seth argued. Bella is pregnant, but it's a secret.
Who's she gonna tell? Quil quipped. A squirrel?
The point is, I'm not coming back until I'm over this, I decided. I'm just weighing you guys down. No one really wants me here.
For a split second, there was hesitation in the group. They knew I was right.
Hey Embry, I'll bet you ten bucks she's back in two weeks, Jared goaded.
I'll bet ten on three, Embry replied.
I'll bet you both a hundred dollars that I'm never coming back, I interjected, phasing into a human for the first time in months.