"You're still feeling okay?", He asks me softly, laying beside me in the dark.
I have my eyes closed trying to sleep on my side, but Cappie lays awake on his side of the bed staring at the ceiling in what I believe is worry.
"Cappie", I groan, but I'm smiling when I do it. "Go to sleep".
"Sorry", I can tell he's smirking just by the tone of his voice, even if the light is off. "I'm just trying to make sure".
I turn over then, moving closer to him, planting a quick kiss on his lips.
"It's been two whole hours and everything's okay", I assure him. "No cramping, no pain. And I checked for bleeding and there was nothing".
He still looks back at me, still unsure.
I decide I know what will probably make him feel better.
I grab his hand then, confusing him, and hold it against my belly.
"See?", I say with a slight laugh, smiling.
I hear him sigh, relieved.
"That's her?", He breaths out.
"Yep", I nod. "She's totally fine. Annoying me when I'm trying to get some rest, but fine".
We both laugh.
"Okay", He sighs again and I see the soft smile on his red kissed out lips even in the darkness. "I'll relax now".
"Good", I smile, touching his cheek and then go to move away, turn back onto my side of the bed. That is, until I feel his hand, grabbing mine and pulling me back into him.
"What are you doing?", I giggle.
I'm laying against him now, my head against his chest, my belly resting against his side, his hand finding it's place on it.
"Nothing, go to sleep. I'm just gonna keep my hand here, make sure she's still moving in there. Training to be a football player", Cappie makes me laugh.
"I was thinking more like ballet or soccer. Something less rough", I giggle. "But sure, okay".
"You're right", He grins. "I don't want to worry about her getting tackled. I don't really want to worry about her ever again because it sucks".
"Well…", I sigh. "We're gonna be parents so I think a lifetime of worrying about her kind of comes with the territory… but I'll worry with you".
He smiles then and kisses my forehead.
"Okay, deal".
I cozy in further against his chest, closing my eyes in tiredness.
"Night Case. You should get some rest".
"I'm trying", I laugh. "But my baby and my baby daddy aren't really letting me".
He scoffs then and runs his hand back and forth across my belly.
"Yeah the two of us are gonna keep mommy up often, aren't we? I can already tell", he says to my stomach in a joking tone and I roll my eyes.
"Don't remind me", I sigh with a groan.
"Shh, just think happy thoughts", He jokes, his hand stroking the hair out of my face to tuck behind my ear.
"Okay", I grin with a snicker.
It works though. I think about the first time me and Cappie slept together. That's my good thought. And no, it's not because I'm a pregnant horndog right now. It's actually because it was the first time in my entire life that I knew for sure that I was in love.
I mean before I'd just seen movies, cheesy rom coms, Disney princess movies when I was younger. Then I went to high school and realized boys weren't exactly Prince Charmings.
So meeting Cappie in September of freshman year, I was skeptical.
But that night in December of freshman year, New Years Eve to be exact, was the first time where I felt that maybe something like the movies and tv shows I'd watched did exist. And how lucky was I to have found it.
I go to sleep thinking of that.
December 31st 2005
I'd never done anything this spontaneous for a guy ever. In fact, I'd probably never done anything this spontaneous ever, period.
I told my parents I was going to a party with some of my old high school friends. But really I was getting on the highway to Ohio. To CRU. To visit one of the only people left on campus for Christmas break.
Cappie's parents didn't really celebrate Christmas, he'd said. At the time they were still together and they'd gone on a spiritual retreat, whatever that was. They invited Cappie but he said he didn't really want to go. He waved it off like he couldn't care less when he'd told me. He'd made some joke about how he'd have the best liquor all to himself for the weekend.
But even then I'd known Cappie well enough to know he wouldn't actually get drunk all weekend. Sure, he liked to drink back then. And smoke weed. And maybe other things I didn't even know about. But he wasn't one to ever drink on his own. He always just liked a party.
And I also knew him well enough that, even though he professed how he was lucky to spend Christmas break alone on campus, it hurt him seeing all of us go home for the holidays. Evan to his family in Connecticut. Me to Chicago. Ashleigh back to Pennsylvania. Even all his pledge brothers and KT actives had somewhere to go.
And that's why I decided something had to be done about it.
Hell, I wanted to invite him to my mom and dads house but I hadn't really even told them I was dating someone and I wasn't in the mood to introduce Cappie to them when I knew Cappie wasn't exactly a parent magnet.
So I had impulsively decided to surprise him on New Years.
I'd even brought a pie with me as a surprise since he'd told me that's the only thing he can really remember from Christmases during his childhood. Going to his grandma and grandpas while his parents were off doing their own thing. And he said he always loved her apple pie. They'd both passed away since.
I thought I'd try to cheer him up. Let him know that this wasn't just some freshman fling to me, that I actually really did like him. He'd helped me study for finals after all, just weeks before while I had the worst cold of my life. When he got it a couple days later and I'd told him that I knew he should've stayed away from me, he'd just shrugged it off like it was no big deal. Said he'd rather get sick than do that.
My parents thought I was sleeping over at my friend Sarah's house where the supposed party was going to be happening. Total lie.
It was about a three and a half hour drive and I had left around 5pm and got to the dorms at around 9pm, pie in hand.
When I knocked on his door I felt nervous for the first time that night. I think I was just so focused on driving there that I'd forgotten my nerves. Hopefully he wouldn't think this was weird or clingy or-
"Casey?"
Shock appears on his face first, then it lights up with a grin. And next thing I know he's pulling me into his arms.
"Oh my god! What are you doing here?", He says and I'm holding the pie to the side so he doesn't crush it.
"I brought you pie!", I say with a laugh.
"What?", He scoffs.
"When you told me it was what you remembered about Christmas with your family… well I thought I would bring what was special about your holidays to you", I say to him.
"Case", He looks at me softly then. I'd never seen a look on his face like this. It wasn't often I'd seen him anything other than the sarcastic, mischievous troublemaker that I had come to know. "This is… this is the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me. You came here all the way from Chicago?"
I pass him the pie and he puts it in his desk carefully.
"Yep", I smile. "Lied to my parents, told them I was going to my high school friend's New Year's Eve party".
"Lying to your parents, spontaneously driving into the night", Cappie jokes. "Maybe I am rubbing off on you".
"Yeah maybe", I say with a nervous smile.
He was. I'd barely even realized it but I was a different person here with him than I was at home. And I liked that person a lot more than the regular old Casey Cartwright. I felt wilder, happier, more alive than I'd ever felt in these past few months getting to know and spend time with him.
Neither of us had said the L word but I was starting to get scared I was feeling it. I'd never loved anyone before though… so how could I know?
I just hoped that he felt the same way I did.
"Come here", He pulls me onto his bed with him as he pulls me close into a hug and I giggle against him.
"Has it been lonely here?", I ask him as we settle, laying in his arms.
"No, you know me, I'm never lonely", He shrugs. "Got lots of snacks, my favorite movies…"
"Old school?", I snicker, referring to his favorite frat guy movie.
"Yeah exactly", He laughs.
"I mean I miss Evan and the guys… and most of all you. But I don't need a big family Christmas or anything", He says nonchalantly. "And I'm definitely not lonely now that you're here".
He gives me a devilish grin which I've come to realize makes me feel some type of way. When he's looking at me like this with that look on his face, laying here together. It makes my heart pound, makes me feel hot, nervous but also exhilarated.
Because I was pretty sure that he wanted to do more than just kiss me. He'd never mentioned it or pushed anything but even as someone who'd never slept with anyone before, never done anything other than make out, I knew he was probably thinking about it when he looked at me like that.
I had assumed he wasn't a virgin like I was. And I hadn't even told him that I was. I knew I'd probably have to bring it up eventually but I always worried that it might scare guys away. Think that it was too much baggage or that I wasn't cool.
But even then, even knowing him for only 4 months, I'd felt comfortable with him.
So maybe it was time? Better now with Evan not in Cappie's shared room. We had the place to ourselves.
"Cap?", I say softly and he moves back from me, to get a look at my face, probably sensing the seriousness in my tone.
"Yeah?"
"I was um… I was wondering if I could tell you something. Because I don't know what you're thinking or what your experience is, and I don't know what you expect when you have a girlfriend and maybe I'm not meeting your expectations if I don't do this one thing… but maybe I want to now", I ramble on.
"Wait… hold on. You're gonna have to be a lot more clear for me", he laughs.
"I'm saying that I'm a virgin", I finally blurt out and his eyes widen slightly, I think not expecting for me to just word vomit it out.
"Oh…", is all he says as he thinks it over.
"Yeah…", I nod awkwardly. "Sorry I totally freaked you out didn't I?"
I move away from him then, sitting up, suddenly feeling really stupid.
"Casey no", He takes my hand into his and sits up as well. "Seriously, no, it doesn't freak me out".
I look at his face to see his smiling, comforting look and it makes me calm down.
"Really?", I croak out.
"Yeah I mean… I kind of figured", He shrugs.
"You did?", I'm surprised then. "Wait… do I give off a virgin vibe?"
He laughs at me then and I join in.
"No, no", He assures me. "Well, I don't know, kind of. You haven't initiated anything except for making out, which, believe me, is really really great. But yeah I would kind of usually have had sex with a girl by now so I was thinking there was probably a reason".
I look back at him then, unsure what to say.
"You're really okay being with me when I haven't slept with you yet?", I confirm. "Because… if you can go to any party around here and find someone to go home with then-"
"I don't just want someone to go home with", He cuts me off. "I want to be with you. I have since I saw you at that party that first night. We can take this as slow as you want to. I mean that's what we've been doing and I couldn't be happier".
I smile at him then, blushing.
"Thanks Cap".
"You don't have to thank me", He shrugs. "Just… I don't know… let me know when you think you'd be ready whether that's next week, next year… thirty years from now".
I can tell he's joking on that last part.
"C'mon, you wouldn't wait thirty years for me", I laugh. "And I won't make you wait a year either… I promise".
"I don't want to pressure you", he assures me, his hand on mine. "Seriously. Things are fine how they are until you feel ready".
"What if…", I start off, feeling my heart rate ramp up. I'd already been brave tonight, been out of character, been spontaneous and reckless. All the things I felt like I could do since I've known Cappie. "What if I'm letting you know that I'm ready now?"
He looks at me confused.
"Now?"
"Yeah, now. What if I'm ready tonight?", I say.
"Casey…", He says in a soft tone. "You don't have to do anything. When you showed up here it's not like I was expecting you to-"
"I know that I don't have to, but… I want to", I quiet his attempts to make sure I don't feel pressure from him.
"You do?", He can't seem to help the way he smiles then, a glint in his eye.
I nod up and down.
"You're not drunk, are you?", He jokes with me.
"No Cappie", I giggle. "I just drove 3 and a half hours, if I was drunk I'd probably be dead in a ditch at the side of the road. I'm one hundred percent sober".
He just looks at me for a moment then, eyeing me up and down, trying to gage whether this was a good idea or not.
"You don't have to worry about me. I'm not some delicate flower. I don't care about the first time being special or life changing or anything. I just… want it to be with you", I explain. "If you want to too".
"God Casey, of course I want to. It's not about want, it's just… this is a really big thing that you can't take back or do over again so I just want you to be sure and be comfortable and not be making a rash decision", He says and I really don't understand why Ash and the rest of the girls can't see what I see in him. Yeah, he can be an idiot, half the time I'm rolling my eyes at him. But more than half of the time he was like this. Decent, good, caring, made me feel more comfortable than anyone I'd ever met.
"I know that", I say. "And I'm okay with that. I feel… comfortable with this".
"Okay", Cappie nods, a grin starting to form on his face. "Good".
He leans in to kiss me then and I smile against his lips, through the kiss. I didn't know giddiness like this could exist, that butterflies could come alive in your stomach like this.
I was nervous but the excitement majorly outweighed the jitters I had.
What followed was the most exhilarating, awkward, weird, uncomfortable, sweet, and terrifying night of my life. It was so many conflicting emotions it was hard to keep track. But I knew that I wouldn't regret it. Because it was with him.
And as I laid next to him that night I was just about a thousand percent sure that I did love him.
Present Day
I wake up that morning early from quite possibly one of the best dreams of my life. It was 6am early. Still mostly dark outside early.
I look over to just stare at Cappie with the little bit of light streaming in through my window.
I liked when he was still asleep like this, it meant I could get a good look at his peaceful state, without him teasing me about it.
I'd dreamt about that New Years Eve in freshman year. The night burned into my brain forever. A milestone in my life. And as the past few years have unfolded it seemed like every milestone I had, he was present for. And I guess that had to count for something right?
That this guy I'd lost my virginity to, kept close to all these years even when we hadn't been dating or even on the best of terms, was still in my bed all these years later. Was still assuring me that he wasn't going anywhere.
I can't help the way the corners of my mouth turn up into a giddy smile.
Cappie beside me, the baby moving around within me now, reminding me that she's here too.
I know that he was just in here because his bed wasn't set up yet but I would savour every second.
Because I knew this felt too good to last.
authors note: I hope that everyone's okay with me doing a flashback! I wish the show had done more of them in season 1. I currently don't have any more flashbacks planned, I just felt like doing this one.