When I woke up again I didn't know where I was.
The room was dark, and the only light source there, was a florescent LED strip directly above me. The was something beeping. It was coming from right beside me and it was a noise I knew I'd heard before.
I kept blinking, the room around me started to get clearer. I knew where I was. A hospital.
My chest hurt. I tried to tune in to the beating of my heart but it was the only part of me that was numb around the pain ripping right through me.
My arm felt heavy when I tried to lift it, instead I poked my hand out the side of the blanket. I had an I.V in my arm. And there was an oximeter on my finger.
A nurse appeared. She said something but her voice was indistinguishable and slurred and distant.
I wanted to sit up. I tried to move, but she took a hold of my shoulders and just laid me back down again against the pillows.
'What's going on?' My voice didn't work properly. It came out as a croak. I didn't have the strength to clear my throat so continued to speak in a hoarse sort of whimper. 'Why– why am I here?'
The nurse said something I couldn't hear. I tried to sit up again but she laid me back down. I wanted to push her off. I didn't. She didn't deserve that. It wasn't her fault.
I heard something about a doctor then the nurse disappeared.
I tried to wiggle my fingers but my hand was stiff.
My head hurt. The pain was immaterial.
A doctor came back. She was blurry. She looked at the chart. She checked my vitals.
'… young man who brought you in… Your cousin.'
I blinked away the haziness. 'Can I see him? Please? Is he still here?'
'He's out in the hallway. I can send him in now.' And the doctor left.
A moment later, Connor appeared in the doorway. 'Anna? Anna? Oh my god!' he was by the bed in a second. He was panicked. There were tears streaked down his cheeks. As my gaze travelled up and down him I saw he was covered in blood. He leant over and took my face in his hands. 'I thought…'
I wanted to hold onto him. I couldn't lift my hand. 'Connor…'
'I couldn't wake you up.' He wiped his tear away with the back of his hands.
'What happened?' He didn't reply. His mouth opened but he couldn't say it. 'Connor?'
His eyes were red, his lips trembling as he opened his mouth to explain. '…I got you to bed but your heart… I could feel your heart beating and it was so fast but you were white and… I couldn't wake you up,' he repeated. I could still see the fear in his expression. 'They took you straight into theatre. The doctors said there wouldn't be a scar; it was a keyhole surgery; something happened and your heart wasn't pumping enough blood– I can't remember the words now they were so long and so complicated.'
His words seem to run straight through me. I couldn't keep any of it in my head. I managed to shift a heavy hand onto my stomach.
The baby.
I couldn't feel anything.
Connor teared up again then blinked. I watched them run down his cheeks. '… I was still holding on to you.' I looked down at the blood covering him. There was so much blood.
'… is that–' my voice crackled. I had to stop and start again. 'Is…' But I couldn't say it.
Connor made a chocking sort of sound. The pain in my chest swelled. No.
'My baby.'
And he shook his head.
I shut my eyes.
The mattress on the bed dipped beside me, his arms came around me and he held me against his chest.
I felt like I was back there; the dead of night where it was almost entirely quiet reminded me of waking up after the surgery- the wound in my stomach from the bullet. Where Connor was there with me again, and he'd had to tell me Mum's dead, Dad's dead, Will's dead… Tom's dead, Stephen's dead, Nick's dead. The baby's dead.
I clung on to him desperately like he would have been able to get rid of my pain. From inside myself I heard my voice, broken, cracking.
'...I can't do it again.'