Notes:
Hello! I am day late this week. *gasp* I also didn't post last week sorry! I hope you guys watched last nights episode! It was so good! Well here is my next chapter, enjoy!
Chapter Text
Chapter 17
"Before you came here where were you?" Denise leaned back in her chair, pen posed for notes.
Pandora sat on the sofa across from her with her legs crossed and the heavy knitted blanket over her shoulders. The pressure around her shoulders and back felt like a hug. It kept her focused and reminded her where she was as they talked. Daryl slipped it over her when he left for a run with Rick, telling her he would be back.
"Before it all happened, my family was in our RV. We drove from California to Washington so I could compete in a competition there." She remembered the hushed whispers of conversation between everyone in the arena. People were whispering of a sickness, people dying and hospitals closing. "When the final day of competing ended we all sat in the RV and my parents talked about what to do. My Dad used to be in the army, he had contacts that were still active. They told him to stay away from populated areas."
She licked her lips, trying to follow the train of thought without getting pulled under by the memories. When her gaze flicked up to Denise, she could see the woman about to open her mouth. Beating her to the punch, Pandora held up three fingers. The last few days had been alright, good even. After her outburst, it had been hard for Daryl and Abraham to let her out of their sight. After a few days of proving she was of sound mind and body, and extra therapy at Daryl's request, she had been allowed more time to herself.
Aaron came through on his promise to come and visit her, bringing food and some new books. They spent the time on the front porch of her townhouse as he had complained about wasting the day inside but she guessed he had other reasons. Getting out of the house was still a challenge. She mostly went out in the early morning and evening, when she had the street mostly to herself.
"Pandora?" Denise's voice brought her back into the room. Pandora tightened the blanket around her, balling it up so more of it was resting on her shoulders, causing a heavier pressure.
"My family had a cottage near Bombay Hook, the Wildlife Refuge. We went to the store to pick up things we thought we would need and headed towards the cottage. We- uh- we didn't make it."
She pictured the sight of the blocked roads and military personal redirecting them, it was so clear that she was almost sure she was there. A shrug of her shoulders allowed her to feel the pressure, reminding her of where she was. It was an anchor pulling her down to the present, keeping her from drifting away as she often did.
"The army redirected us to an apartment building that they were holding but once we got there they never came back. We stayed there for a long time, a month maybe? It's hard to remember. One day, a whole herd of the dead came through. They took out the fences and the windows on the lower levels. We ran. My Dad he…" She paused, struggling to find the right words. "We were all my Dad ever had, my Mom, my sister and I. He made sure we got out; everyone else was by themselves. Some of them found us after since we set a meeting place if that ever happened to the apartment building. We were on the road for a while."
The sentence died off there, falling away as the memory played in her mind like a movie. The road had been the hardest, never feeling safe, no idea of where they were going. They had learned the heard lessons then on the road. They learned that people were the enemy now too. She killed her first man on the road, he tried to steal from them. It had cemented the us vs them her Father had been trying to teach them. It's you first, it's always you first.
"Did you stay on the road for long?" Denise was there again. Right, she was here in the room, not out there. Not with her Dad pointing a gun at the dead coming towards her, trying to get them in the head.
"Um," Pandora struggled to find the word, struggled to keep her calm. Her hands coil into fists before she has time to stop them. Her nails bite into the soft skin of her palms; the pain is sharp and draws her attention back into the room. What did Denise just ask? Her mind was fighting against her, becoming slow again and struggling to keep up with the world around her.
"What number are you on?"
That reaches her somehow, that question always finds its way through her brain fog. It's painful to uncurl her hands but she can hold up four. She is not sure what is triggering her this time, maybe it was the thought of being on the road or the movie playing in her brain that wouldn't shut off. Air tightens in her lungs and her fingers are flying up to her chest as if it would help her breathe better. There is no room around her anymore, she isn't here she isn't anywhere.
"Pandora, take a deep breath and listen to my voice."
The doctor's voice brings her face back into focus.
"Start at your toes."
That's right, her toes. With her eyes shut, she tries to block out the images of the road. Her toes curl in her socks once she tightens the muscles and relaxes them a few times. She continued the process up her body. By the time she had gone through her whole body she felt the calm settling over her, her breathing coming slower and more controlled.
When she opened her eyes again Denise was sitting back in her chair with her arms crossed over her chest. The smile on her face filled Pandora's chest with warmth.
"I did it." Pandora said. Denise was nodding with the smile still in her lips.
"Do you know what triggered it?" Denise asked. Now that her mind was clear of the panic again, she could go back and look at the moments before.
"The road, that feeling of not being safe or having anywhere to go." Even speaking the words out loud now she could taste the slight tinge of panic.
"But you know you have a place now, and you're safe, right?" Denise started writing in the notebook again. The rest of the session moved along without the appearance of another panic attack, to which she was grateful. The session lasted only a little longer after that. She made it to the part in her story before the wolves took her. She couldn't go past that, not today, she was too tired now.
When it was over, she found herself sitting in the guard tower at the gate. She sat facing the road. Rosita was on duty, not that it mattered since she would have been up here no matter who was keeping watch. Pandora didn't speak, eyes fixed on the furthest point she could see.
"They will be back before dark, that's what he said right?"
"Ya" The word came out sharper then she intended it to. With her eyes shut, she counted down from ten before she opened them again. "Sorry." The runs always made her nervous, she knew what the world was like on the other side of the wall, and it was not pretty.
"Rosita?" A longer silence filled the space between them then. It had given her mind a chance to work through the tangled cluster of thoughts. Somewhere in that tangle of information, she found the question she wanted to ask the other woman. "Will you teach me how to fight?"
The only sound she heard was Rosita sputtering and coughing, something that sounded almost like a laugh.
"Fuck no."
"What?" Her tone was sharp again because the rejection stung. She had thought this would be a great idea; both Daryl and Abraham would be more comfortable if they knew she was learning to take of herself. Wasn't that what they were always worried about, making sure she was safe? This way she could keep herself safe instead.
"No way am I doing something like that before I ask Daryl."
A soft sigh escaped Pandora's lips as she rolled her head in a circle, the joints of her neck cracked. She felt like the child of overbearing parents. Yes, her decision-making skills have not exactly been up to par for the last little while, but she had gone above and beyond since then to prove herself. She had worked twice as hard to bounce back from her misadventures on the other side of the walls.
"Just let him know, we can start tomorrow morning." Rosita said suddenly.
A wide grin broke over Pandora's face as she leant her head backwards to grin at the other woman upside down. Rosita was smiling too, a small one, hidden inside one of her trademark scowls.
More time passed between them in silence as around them the darkness grew and settled over the homes. Still, Pandora watched and watched. He was coming back, that she knew for sure. It was just a matter of when he was coming back. She would be here, she would wait, then the moment she saw the car she would open the gates. Thinking about the gates made her think about being outside of them.
Tomorrow part of her therapy would be to walk ten steps outside of the gate. She had to prove she could do it, to face her fear as Denise put it. That would be better once she knew how to protect herself. She decided once Rosita taught her, she wouldn't be frightened to go outside anymore.
"Pandora?" The tone is Rosita's voice was something she had become used to hearing. It was the tone everyone seemed to use if they had to say her name more than once. To be fair, if they didn't touch her before speaking to her, she was bound not to hear them.
"Sorry?" The word was said as a question even though she was sure Rosita already knew Pandora hadn't heard a word of what the other woman said.
"I said my shift is over, do you want me to take you home?"
Home. The word knocked around in her brain. Home was something she had here now. Home was a townhouse at the end of the row, with a big worn out sofa in the living room, and a room that was just her own. It was too quiet there when she was alone.
"No, I want to wait."
The other woman's sigh seemed to be all around her in the night, but she didn't argue. Pandora was about to say something, her slow moving brain was trying to put together a sentence. Then something flickered down the road, she was standing now with Rosita somewhere behind her. She said something Pandora didn't quite catch, it didn't matter though as her hands were gripping the railing, and she was hoisting herself up on it. Then she was walking on top of the wall, she could see the car heading towards them.
"It's them." A breath she didn't know she was holding rushed out of her along with those words. Not even checking to see if Rosita had heard her, Pandora was scaling down the metal frame of the wall. She stepped in front of whoever was on gate duty and opened the gate to let them in.
The car crept past her, both windows down. Daryl was leaning out the passenger side, he only nodded at her. She nodded back, not a word was needed between them most of the time. With the gate shut, she followed the car to the storage house. Once they were both outside, she found herself beside them taking boxes of goods inside to be sorted in the morning.
With the car empty, Rick turned ready to head back home. He walked past them with a gruff "Night" directed to them both and a light touch on Pandora's shoulder.
She didn't flinch and schooled her expression to one of blankness. It was another part of her therapy, accepting touch. Well, touch from anyone who wasn't in her inner circle. That meant people she hardly knew around town had been placing light touches on her for the last few days. The touch that landed on her shoulder now was one she was all too comfortable with.
Daryl stood behind her, arms covered in dirt, hair plastered to his face with sweat. He began easing her forward towards their shared house.
"What's that?" She asked pointing to the black bag on his back.
At first he made some noncommittal noise and shrugged, then he muttered "Stuff."
"Never would have guessed," She shot back, turning the handle to head inside. "You better get in that shower Dixon, you look gross."
"Yes ma'am." Was the reply that drifted down over the sound of his heavy boots heading up the stairs.
In the living room the sofa called her name. It whispered the promise of soft cushions and warm, oversized blankets. Her feet found themselves moving there. The heavy knit blanket was there, draped over the sofa. Had she left it behind? That seemed troubling to her, she couldn't remember what had happened between therapy and waiting at the tower. There was an entire day between those two events but her mind was empty. A chunk of missing time was something that would usually send her spiralling down into a panic, so she shut it away.
She used the technique Denise had taught her. She imagined worrying about lost time as a scene in the movie which she paused before locking away it away. She eased down on the sofa and brought the blanket back over her shoulders, the heavy weight on her frame allowed the tension to release. She eased back and sunk into the cushions, letting her eyes fall closed. Before she knew it Daryl was beside her, pushing a bowl of steaming soup into her hands.
"Ahm guessing you ain't been eating." He commented, spooning soup into his mouth.
"Not true," She answered, taking a spoonful. "I had breakfast with Denise before therapy." Her tone was smug and without thinking, she turned to the side and stuck her tongue out at him. Something flickered in his face, an emotion she wasn't quite able to catch before it disappeared, but the edge of his lip turned up in a very Daryl Dixon smile. Or what you could call a smile when talking about Daryl.
Silence settled over them while they ate and when she was finished she collected both of their dishes to put them in the sink. When she turned to get the pot from the stove, Daryl was already handing it to her.
She sighed, "I'm in the house, what could happen?" Some days the hovering was stifling, like the air on a hot summer day pressing down around her. Sometimes she loved him for it, loved the constant presence and the calm he seemed to bring to her usual chaos. On a good day like today though, she felt like she was being smothered. He didn't answer her though, only turned and headed back towards the living room.
When she finished, she headed out to join him, not quite ready to be alone just yet. She found him sitting on the sofa, legs outstretched on the table in front of him, an open book in his hands. Settling down beside him, she pulled the heavy knitted blanket over her legs and closed the gap until she was pressed against his side. He stiffened, but only a fraction. Trying to hide it, he shut the book, leaning over to pull the bag he had before off the floor.
"Here, got ya some stuff while we were out there."
He placed the bag in her lap, watching her from the corner of his eye.
A grin spread over her face, her fingers couldn't seem to move fast enough as she pulled the zipper open. Inside was an assortment of random objects. The first thing her fingers found must be one of the biggest. She pulled out a heavy book of poetry, recent works or as recent as things get these days. In her chest, something is tight, her heart maybe? Her Dad used to read poems to her growing up; for a jarhead, he had the soul of an artist. Setting the book in her lap, her fingers ran over the cover letting her mind read the words a few times before moving to pull the next thing from the bag. Another book, despite the title she finds a small laugh bubbling up from her chest. In her hands, she is holding "The Rape Recovery Handbook." She wasn't upset or offended, in fact, she is feeling quite proud. If Daryl didn't think she was getting stronger every day, he would not have risked a book like this. Her fingers brushed the cover of this book too; "Rape Recovery" was what she was going through right now.
Her body pressed tighter against him now, the warm feeling blooming inside her chest. "Thank you." The words were hardly above a whisper, but she knows he can hear her.
"There's more," Daryl is reaching over her now, his hand disappearing inside the black bag. When he pulls it out, he is holding a gold chain securely in his palm.
"It made me think of your gold medal."
Her fingers brushed the metal in his hand for a moment and they lingered there, enjoying the warmth of his skin. Then, with slow moving fingers she lifted the necklace from his hand, it was still warm. It reminded her of the gold medal too, lighter, but the way the dim light bounced off it, made her picture her old medal. She could feel the way that it hung heavy on her chest, thick ribbon band around her neck. Unclipping the clasp at the back, she handed it to Daryl without a word. He moved to drop it over her head, closing the clasp.
The metal felt cool against her skin as the heat it had absorbed from Daryl's hand had all seeped out. When she moved to touch where it hung on her neck her fingers came away damp. It was then she realised that she was crying. How long she had been crying, she was not sure, but then she felt a heavy warm hand on her shoulder. Her gaze drifted up slowly to meet the eyes of Daryl looking down at her, letting her breath out, she sagged against him. The tears had stopped now so they both lay tucked into each other on the small sofa.
"Thank you," She whispered, face hidden against his shoulder.
She was answered with a hum that vibrated in her chest.
"Thank you for everything, for now and from before." He only hummed again and stood up; he held a hand out to pull her up as well, "Come'on now." He whispered, bringing her up the steps and into the hall. For a heartbeat, Daryl stood in the hall, half torn between his room and her room. Deciding on her room, he turned to pull her inside.
Pandora sighed, running her hands over her face as she moved towards the bed. He was right behind her, doing what? She wasn't sure as she didn't want to turn to look. Peeling off the layers of clothes, she changed into loose fitting shorts and a tank top. There was no shame in changing in front of him; he had seen her naked more times than she even knew.
When she turned around, Daryl had already pulled the blankets off the bed so she could slip inside. The sheets were cool against her skin, refreshing even. He sat beside her over the blankets, back resting on the head board and arms folded over his chest.
"How was your run?" She asked, turning to face him with one arm tucked under her pillow.
He began to tell her how the day had panned out, what they had found and what they hadn't. Somewhere in his retelling of the day's events, she found herself drifting off into sleep.