CHAPTER 18
Pre-dawn light found Pandora on the front porch with one of Daryl's cigarettes between her lips. Her brain decided that she ought to be up before the sun had risen. She tried to count how many hours she'd slept. The small number pissed her off too much though, so she stopped, resigning herself to the fact she may need to nap later. It wasn't like she needed to do anything around here. The sun peaked over the sky and the darkness became less and less. The surrounding stillness was making her nervous, the quick drumming of her fingers against her leg seemed out of place. Turning, she moved to make her way to a tower that had the best view of the sunrise. This wasn't the first time she was awake before the sun. What was the point of being awake at this horrible hour if she didn't take the time to enjoy the sunrise? The cigarette was already finished when she made it to the wall. Not bothering with the guard tower itself, she climbed the wall. Muscles in her arms and legs screamed in protest as she climbed, but it pumped adrenaline through her and that made it worthwhile. Once at the top, she balanced on the small beam that was there. She stood there observing the brightness of the morning sun filling the sky.
"New day," she thought to herself. "It will be a good fucking day." Positive affirmations were the key to happiness, or so her therapist told her daily. It had been hard at first to talk to Denise again once she had found out what had happened. Denise had tried to help one of the hurt wolves who came to take this place, Morgan had asked her to help him. Carol had found him, they fought, he escaped with Denise as a hostage, in the end Carol had killed him. There was a part of her that had been trying to get the other women alone trying to say thank you where no one else would overhear, but there was always something. At first when Daryl told her then had been nothing but white hot anger. But Denise was a doctor not just her doctor but a doctor for everyone, they took an oath to protect all life. Denise hadn't known either, how could she knew who that man was. She never talked about their faces, no one would know he had been the one to take her that day the one who had started everything.
"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" a voice from the ground asked her. With a fleeting look behind her, she spotted Abraham on the ground with a cigar in his mouth and rifle slung over his shoulder.
"Sleep is for the mentally stable." Pandora shot back, moving to lower herself to the ground. When there was two feet between her the ground, she jumped. She touched down on the ground with her feet together and arms out to the side, her body a flawless straight line. A grin found its way to her lips, "I still got it."
He only scoffed and rolled his eyes. He was one of the few people who appreciated that she could joke about how fucked up she was. Humor helped her deal, can't cry every day.
"Come on kid, let me walk you home."
He was already moving though, just expecting her to follow. Which she did, but that was not the point.
"I asked Rosita to teach me how to protect myself." She blurted as they walked.
"Thought you could shoot?"
"I can, but who would give me a gun?" Someone waved at them as they passed so Abraham returned the gesture. "I need hand to hand training."
"Not a bad idea kid."
"I have those sometimes."
He snorted a laugh and patted her on the back. "See you later, kid."
Right, she blinked, this was her front door. With a slight wiggle of her fingers, she turned to head up the steps.
Daryl was already moving around in the kitchen completely dressed when she stepped inside, door clicking shut behind her. He turned around with two steaming bowls of oatmeal in his hands, the top held this sprinkled trail mix. Gliding towards him, she took the bowl he offered. It was tasty despite being mildly stale.
"Sleep?" Daryl questioned, spoon dipping back into the bowl.
Pandora only shrugged, "Enough I guess." She answered, shoving more food into her mouth. She wanted to spill out everything, tell him right there and then that she would learn to fight wither he wanted her to or not. Something about the way he was looking at her, however, made her insides tight.
"I talked to Rosita today," She said, lips curling around the spoon to lick it clean. "I asked her to teach me how to protect myself."
"Ya sure about that?" he questioned, eyeing her cooly.
" I need to know how to protect myself, it will help." Help with not feeling so helpless, so weak. That part would be left unsaid.
"Yah asking me?" He raised an eyebrow at her, half of his lip turned up modestly in a kind of smile.
"Maybe." She mumbled, taking the now empty bowl from him and putting it in the sink.
Turning the water on, the warmth of it seeping into her bones. She was always cold these days, a deep chill in her bones to keep her company.
"Sure. If it'll help, anything." Inside her chest her heart did a thing, tripping and jumping all over itself.
Moving away from the sink, she dried her hands and towards him casually. Arms snaked around his middle and against her he stiffened, but didn't move. She didn't give in though, she knew in a moment she would feel him loosen against her. Ah, there.
"Thank you." His silence stretched over them, filling the small kitchen.
When she stepped back he appeared taken aback, face knotted in confusion. She started to put more distance between them because he was moving towards the door.
" Heading out with Rick again," He's not looking at her though, he is pulling the strap of his bag over his shoulder and running his fingers through his hair. "Be back later tonight. Wait up?"
She is standing wordlessly, arms folding over her abruptly cold mid-section. There is a catch in his voice at the end as if he is not sure if she would, in fact, wait up. "Sure."
Then he's gone, and she's left standing in the now silent house. The silence that hung around the surrounding space clawed at her skin, she moved again. Out of the house, down the steps. To her left, Daryl stood with Denise beside the car they were taking, a paper passed between their hands. Pandora turned away, leaving him to go as there was no need to say goodbye again. Goodbyes made her kind of sick these days, anyway.
She had eyes only for Rosita, it was time to get started. Pandora stood on the front porch of the house research shared with Abraham and Eugine. What was the polite thing to do? She stopped, fingers drumming on her chin. Right, knock. Someone may be sleeping, Abraham may be sleeping. He did just work, didn't he? She had just seen him, that was today, wasn't it? She was fuzzy again, but she knocked almost silently. A voice called out to her from inside telling her to come in. She did then, turning the handle and shutting the door behind her with a click.
Rosita stood in the kitchen at the frying pan.
"Eggs?" She asked, looking over her shoulder. Pandora sniffed the air and drifted towards the other woman at the stove.
"Please." She whispered gathering a plate from the cupboard. She had just eaten a moment ago, but who would be capable of turning down eggs? It took a few tries to find the right drawer, but she did and took out enough for everyone. She heard movement upstairs, two sets of foot steps.
"Didn't I already take you home?" Abraham slid onto the stool at the island, Pandora sliding down next to him.
"Ya but I wandered off, that happens sometimes." Pandora only shrugged, Rosita slid some of the eggs on her plate before serving Abraham. She watched as Rosita made up the rest of her plate, with some beans and hash.
Rosita made up her own plate and took her position, standing on the other side of the island leaning on her elbows as she ate.
"Eat it all up kids, eggs are scarce these days."
The comment was double edged. Sure the eggs were scarce, but Pandora also had a habit of drifting away for an entire day and not eating. Her eyes wandered back down to the plate in front of her, her serving was small, for that she was grateful. Minutes passed in silence as they ate together but eventually she broke it, "I talked to Daryl this morning he is ok with you teaching me."
Rosita smiled at her from across the island, a dark glint in her eyes, "Well, then we start as soon as you're finished."
"Im gonna hit the hay, you ladies have fun."
As he left, Eugine was stepping into the kitchen taking the now empty plates and washing them without asking. Finishing her last few bites off her plate, she placed it on the dirty pile, "Thank you."
"Not a problem. I overheard that your training starts today, good luck."
She would need all the luck she could get.
The found a sunny spot of grass just behind the soar panels, away from the busy day-to-day activities of Alexandria. This way no one could see them. While Pandora didn't think it mattered right now when Rosita kicked her ass she might be more grateful for it.
They sparred until the sun was hanging high in the sky and they both lay in the grass covered in sweat and panting. Pandora was consumed by the sort of tired she hadn't felt since her misadventures on the other side of the wall. It was a good tired, however, the kind of tired that proved that you did work. Muscles that went unused for years screamed at her in protest to being treated so violently, she ignored them, instead basking in the speed of her racing heart. There were a few hiccups sure, like when Rosita managed to get her on her back and hold her down. When they stopped, she had time to chase away the panic attack that threatened to ruin their day. Rosita never stopped the lesson though, she let herself calm down and then they were right back at it. No one else will stop attacking you because you're having a panic attack! The phrase had been repeated a few times throughout their session.
"You didn't do half bad," Rosita commented, turning her head to glance at her. The other woman's eyes were hidden by sweat covered strands of hair.
"I was a gymnast before, went to the Olympics and everything. I guess some things never leave you." She stretched her arms out in front of her and savoured the tightness. "Tomorrow?"
Rosita only flashed her a grin, wide and full of teeth. Pandora laughed.
"Ask me that again when you get up in the morning." Rosita was already standing though, stretching out her limbs and brushing the dirt from her pants. "Im gonna head home, you ok?"
"Ya," Pandora muttered, tilting her chin up to get more sun. "I think I'll stay here for a while."
The other woman was gone then, the sound of her steps fading away. She ran through the day's lesson in her head, trying to commit every small bit of detail to memory. She would do more of these lessons every day until no one could lay an unwanted hand on her again. Drifting around her were the sounds of Alexandria: people walking, talking, doors opening and closing.
She closed her eyes letting the tension burn away by the light of the sun. She must have fallen asleep in that time because there was a hand on her shoulder and she was screaming.
"Pandora! Pandora! It's ok, it's just me! It's Denise."
It was just Denise she realized when she calmed down enough to look.
"Fuck. Mentally unstable, remember?" Shaking hands pulled the hair from her face while she sat up. Everything ached, even her fingers. How her fingers ached she would not ask.
"Did you forget?" Denise asked sitting beside her now, legs crossed.
"Forget?" Confusion burned in her brain.
"About your session today?" Denise asked.
Right, therapy every day, the new deal she agreed to since she had gone beyond the walls a while back.
"Can we skip today Doc?" The was a hopefulness in her question, but the moment she glanced at Denise's face the answer was clear.
"Listen," The woman's features softened a fraction. "You do the exercise we planned, ten steps outside the gate and then we're finished."
Alright ten steps outside, no problem. She had been out there before, twice in fact. She was standing now, fear coiling in her gut, but she pushed it down.
They walked together in silence, she hadn't even noticed she had reached the gate until she walked right into it. Denise was beside her then, turning to Spencer at the guard tower. Dimly, Pandora could hear her explaining what they were doing there, working through her fear, blah blah blah. She wasn't sure this would help, but it got Daryl off her back, got Abraham off her back and would get her the rest of the day off.
Holly was standing beside her now, pushing the gate open, "Ill be right here ok? Holding it open for you."
Pandora only managed a weak smile before she moved. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. At ten she stopped to force her eyes to focus and drink in every detail she could. If anything happened again, she would recognize how to get back here, she would remember what everything looked like down to the last tree. When she thought the image was painted in her head she turned back, letting her feet carry her back behind the shield of the walls.
Denise was there now, hands on her shoulder pulling her into a quick, tight hug, she didn't even have time to panic as it was over so quickly.
"You did great! Come on let's eat something." Denise was leading her back now to the medical house she shared with Tara next to the medical building.
She didn't even have to ask as she realized where they were heading. Best to keep an eye on her anyway, she thought. When she was alone for too long she did things, stupid things like lay in the sun for hours and forget to eat.
"Have a shower then come down for dinner."
Pandora blinked, shit, they had already gone inside as she was being pushed towards the steps.
The rest of the evening was nice. Tara had gotten Pandora knit blanket from her house and wrapped it around her as they sat in the living room. Being friends with your Doctor had its perks, Denise and Tara knew exactly how to handle her. And by handling her, Pandora could sit in the corner, knees to her chest, drifting in and out of a conversation she was never actually a part of.
When the sun eventually set, an itch settled into her bones, she was normally watching for him by now. Perched on the watchtower with whoever else was there, waiting for the headlights on the darkened road.
"Pandora?" God damn it, she hated that tone.
But she smiled and mumbled a sorry under her breath, eyes on Tara.
Tara only smiled though handing her an extra blanket and nodding. "Probably a good time to head out there, anyway."
Pandora smiled, uncurling herself from the sofa and moving toward the door. "Thank you for everything, good night."
The walk to the guard tower was quick, it became colder without the heat from the sun but nothing too unbearable. The platform was clear, whoever should have been up here was not. Leaning over the railing, she spotted someone down by the gate. When the guy turned to look up at her, she only waved. She received a nod in return, words and strangers didn't mix.
Her normal place when she was here was right at the front, leaning against the front railing where she was able see clearly. It was dark, but the passage of time was something that was still a struggle for her.
So when the headlights appeared in the distance there was no way to be sure how long she had been watching for. The pain that Rosita promised crept up on her while she stood unmoving. The trip down the ladder was not as easy as it was the night before. By the time she made it to where they left the car, it was empty.
Arms wrapped tightly around her middle, she followed the sounds. She found Daryl and Rick at Denise's door, a limp body held between them.
"Daryl?"
His head snapped back eyes meeting hers, "Don't move."
Although her blood boiled at the command, she did as she was told and didn't move from her spot outside the medical building. Panic rushed through her, they found a man. What kind of man, they can't just bring people from outside. This was her home, their home, you can't just come in here.
A pounding started to appear behind her eyes, a tightness coiling inside her gut. A deep panic that seems to root itself in her bones. She would follow she decided, whatever they knew she would know too. She wouldn't allow herself to be in the dark.
When Daryl and Rick came back out she was trailing behind them. Daryl meets her eyes, her gaze cool, daring him to question her presence. He dosesn't though, only keeps hauling the unconscious man towards the basement cell. When they get to the door, Rick gives her a pointed glance, and she stays put again panic making her sharp and focused.
Time time seems to tick by, and every moment they don't come out she panics more. She is stepping inside before she can stop herself, hissing out a breath when she bumps into Rick.
He puts his hands on her shoulders to stop her from falling but she pushes them away shaking. "You are taking forever." She hisses stepping around him to steal a glance at the man. A hand on her upper arm stops her from stepping forward, but she leans around him.
The man on the floor was young-ish, older than she was, but younger than Daryl maybe. The lower half of his face was covered in a thick, well-trimmed beard, his hair clean and most of his frame was covered by a long trench coat. They had bound his hands and feet, a plate of Carols cookies sat near his head.
"Hey! He gets cookies." She tried to make light, tried to ease the panic gripping her chest at the sight of a man who should not be there.
The firm hand on her arm was back again, this time she let him pull until they are standing at the front door of the basement cell. They spoke in causal voices, but she didn't understand them. They are only words floating around in her brain.
"Pandora?" It was that tone again, the one everyone used when they had to call her name more than once. Where had she even gone this time? Daryl's face was suddenly square in her field of vision. Startled, her hands flew up to touch his shoulders.
"Sorry," She whispered, fingers sliding over the leather vest he wore. "What?"
"Ah gotta stay till someone else comes." He was lowering his body, sitting on the floor, back resting on the wall.
She tilted her head to the side. He always said I, like there was still just an I. Like everything she had worked so hard to gain wasn't tied to him. It was we now, she thought mildly, it would always be we. She was sinking down beside him now, body pressed tight against his side to leech some of the warmth he always radiated.
"Tell me?"
And he did.