They drove right through the night, everyone taking turns. There was some shifting movements under her at one point. She shut her eyes tightly, refusing to move when she felt it, fearing this was a dream inside another dream type thing. She shifted slightly, the warm solid mass under her leaving, head being lifted into the air.
"Thank ya."
The voice came from somewhere around her, in front of her maybe but still she refused to open her eyes. This could be a nightmare- they had looked like this before. She would open her eyes and it would be the wolves camp and they would have their hands on her. Involuntarily, her body stiffened.
"No problem, she slept the whole time."
The air around her was cold, hold on her head not as strong as before. Then a new mass was under her, warm, solid, and smelling familiar.
"Ya, well thank ya." It was Daryl, now he was moving under her shifting his weight.
Blinking she shifted trying to sit up, he was faster though and stronger using his arm to pull her back down. With his feet he kicked the covers down under them, she allowed him to pull the covers over her.
"Ahm tired… if you're still high yah need to sleep it off too."
"Daryl?", she whispered shifting on her side to entangle herself with him.
"Sleep."
And she did.
She found herself awake in the middle of the deep night. Beside her Daryl still slept, breathing deep and even. Extracting herself from the bed proved to be harder than she thought. Some time in the night she had wrapped herself around him, left hand tucked into the small space between his back and the mattress.
Relaxing she let herself ease back into the mattress, maybe she should stay. It was nice here, warm, safe, the same. Her and Daryl sleeping this way was something that always happened. She watched the rapid movement of his eye under his lids as she continue to lay beside him.
A noise from the front of the RV drew her attention. Someone was awake and driving, obviously. Holding her breath, she pulled her hand out from under him trying to move as little as possible. Breath still held she waited counting to ten in her head. When she was sure he wasn't moving she slipped away from the bed.
Around her everyone else was sleeping, save for Abraham who was leaning back eyes watching the darkness outside. he paid her no mind unmoving as she passed him. In the passenger seat she heard someone shift, Rick poked his head around.
"Taking the bed," he whispered patting her gently on the shoulder.
As he passed her she slipped into the seat he had just left pulling her knees up into her chest. It wasn't until she turned that she realized it was Jesus in the driver's seat. In that split second she wished she could crawl back into the bed with Daryl and go back to sleep. It was too late for that, Rick had already claimed the spot she left open, which left her here with Jesus.
"Hey," Jesus glanced over at her.
Pandora glanced at him from the corner of eye. How long had it been since her Xanax? Eight hours maybe? Average run time was 11 maybe 12 since she didn't take them often. Throwing her caution to the wind she decided to give this conversation a try.
"Hi," it came out easier than she thought it would, so easy that in fact she shocked even herself.
"Can't sleep?" he asked casually.
A sigh escaped her, nerves bubbling up again she tried to push them down. Nails bite into the soft flesh of her hands, the pain sending little lightening bolts up her arms. It cleared the fog of the nerves for a second.
"I don't sleep," she answered opening and closing her fingers again letting them bite deeper into her flesh.
"Ah, a common problem these days."
Turning her head to the side she watched him openly, like it was a common problem to wake up screaming from nightmares remembering the men who raped you, remembering the men who tried to kill you. She considered leaving now, remembering her people skills were not up to par these days.
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine, I'm a basket case in case you haven't noticed."
He didn't answer, only kept steering them on the road home. The time passed in silence from then on, occasionally she would glance over at him. He didn't try to talk to her again, it made her feel uncomfortable. The long stretching of silence from a man who almost never stopped talking.
"Thank you for showing me the look out," she blurted. Her head rested on the tops of her knees watching him. Breaking the awkward silence was easier than she thought, the nerves of starting a conversation creeping up on her again. "Sorry I freaked the fuck out. I'm not good with strangers, or touching, or anything different really."
"I hope I won't be a stranger for much longer."
Despite herself she laughed the small sound trickling its way past her part lips. With her fingers, she tried to clear some of the hair from her eyes suddenly needing a clear picture of his face for memory. Head lifted she stared at him, really stared at him. He was clean shaven, beard trimmed clean. His eyes gained the most attention, they were bright and soft. Something about these eyes seemed untouched by any of this ugliness in their new world.
The rest of the drive was spent in silence, sunlight breaking through the cloud cover. After an unknown amount of time Rick appeared behind her again. This time Jesus pulled over the RV allowing a washroom break and for Rick to take the wheel.
When they stopped, she slipped out with everyone else. Heading deeper into the woods to relieve the growing pressure on her bladder. When she was finished, she made her way back to the RV. Everyone was outside snacking on some of the fruit that had made it back with them.
Daryl was leaning on the side of the RV, cigarette hanging from his lips, two apples in one hand. As she stepped closer to him he tossed one of the apples at her, she caught it no problem. Slipping up beside him the apple was gone in under five minutes, passing her a second one before she could even ask. The second one she took longer to eat, savoring it, it had been a long time since she put anything fresh in her mouth.
"Ya got something right here."
Fingers touched her chin wiping away the thin line of juice making its way down her face. Opening her eyes Daryl was standing in front of her wiping his finger on the rag he always seemed to carry. Heat coiled deep in her belly as she held his gaze for a few heart beats.
"Thanks," turning away she tossed the apple in the grass on the other side of the road. Around her everyone appeared to be getting ready to load back onto the RV. Glancing at Daryl she slipped back inside before everyone, taking her place at the back. It was going to be another long day, she could feel it deep in her bones, best to have some time alone. No one followed her back there, everyone even Daryl giving her space.
Settling herself down on the floor, she curled her knees to her chest listening to the conversations around her. The ride back to Alexandria was rather quick, before long they were pulling through the gate, Sasha greeting them, asking if they had found food.
Somewhere she heard Rick calling for a meeting in the church. She tried to stay and listen but Daryl was pulling her along back to the house. Passing them she heard running footsteps.
"Oh, thank god she's with you, let me get the door." It was Carol's voice coming from somewhere ahead of them.
Only then did she realize her eyes were closed frame leaning heavily on Daryl as she walked. When did that happen, wasn't she awake just moments ago? Somehow now everything was heavy as if she had weight strapped to her ankles and wrists.
"Thanks, drugs making her sleep."
Pandora wasn't sure if he was right, the meds had been taken hours ago, yesterday even if her count was right. This was a different kind of tired, the kind that came from a day that was too long. Everything around her seemed to be slowing down again, and she struggled to get her limbs to obey her.
Before she knew it, she was laying down in her bed hands pulling at her boots. The blankets were pulled over her, pants still on, but hands pulled at her heavy sweater and t-shirt. She was left curled under the blankets in her jeans and a tank top. Dimly she heard the tail end of a conversation between Daryl and Carol.
"The meeting is about this deal we made."
"So, you're going?"
"Yah, she'll sleep."
"I'll come check on her after."
They had stopped talking now but she was aware of them watching her as she drifted off into sleep.
The next time she opened her eyes the bright midday sun was streaming into her room. Every muscle in her body ached, she must have been tired, she couldn't even remember the last time she slept like that. Slowly she stretched herself out getting a range of movement back in all her limbs. Pulling herself from the bed she stripped off the jeans and replaced them with sweatpants, and a loose t-shirt over her tank.
In the bathroom the harsh light made her like one of the dead herself. Purple bruises marked the space under her eyes. Her face was still hollow but she had put on more weight in the last few weeks. She looked tired, sleep didn't always equal rest these days. Sighing, she tugged a hair tie off her wrist to pull her hair from her eyes.
In the kitchen she found Carol standing at her stove stirring something in a pot. Under her the floor squeaked as she stepped, Carol turned.
"Oh hi," Carol glanced over her shoulder. "I wasn't sure how long you would sleep for."
For a split second she thought about turning around and heading back to her room. The guilt curled inside her gut, Carol was supposed to check in on her. She would have come to her house and found her missing. What might that have been like? Did she look for her, she wondered, turn Alexandria upside down in her search? She hadn't even thought about Carol for one second, hadn't thought about the people here who would have been keeping an eye on her. It was that train of thought that made her continue her walk into the kitchen.
Slipping into the stool beside the island she folded her arms resting them against the counter, watching, "How long?"
"Five hours maybe," Carol answered spooning some soup into a bowl, placing it in front of her, and another for herself sitting across the island from the young woman. A few long moments of silence ticked by, as they both ate. "We'll have to fight."
"We always have to fight," Pandora answered spooning some food into her mouth. "That's just the way that it is now."
It was the same with her still, every day she fought and again every night. Some nights when she woke up screaming covered in sweat she was sure she would be fighting her entire life. When Pandora looked up something flashed across Carol's face, a pained look.
"I never thanked you for before, for saving this place." A change in subject seemed like the right thing to do here. There was something about the talk of fighting that created a far off look in Carol's eyes. Pandora looked away, she was not a fan of seeing some of her own traits reflected so clearly in others.
"I know Morgan tried to save one of them," she was tripping over her thoughts now, thinking about them inside the walls always did that too her. She had been holding this in for so long though, since Daryl had told her what Carol had done. No one else knew, he stressed that she had told him in confidence, and he had trusted Pandora with that secret. They had never had a moment alone to speak about it, until now.
"Daryl told me you killed him, that you knew he was a monster." He was a monster she knew it, he was the monster who haunted her dreams almost every night. The monster who sometimes appeared to her in the daytime, his face replacing the faces of her friends. Voice nothing but a thin whisper now she went on. "He was a monster, Carol."
She choked on the last word the woman's name slipping from her mouth along with a quiet sob. Maybe she was still tired, maybe she had been holding this thank you in for too long. Maybe she would never know, sometimes the tears just came uninvited.
Had she ever really cried over what had happened to her? Sure, she had panicked, had flash backs, got lost in the memories when triggered but had she ever cried for what she had lost at their hands? She couldn't be quite sure, but she was sure as hell crying now. Crying for everything that had been taken from her, the parts of herself she was sure she was never going to get back. Crying for the woman she had been before all this happened.
Carol was in front of her then, arms around her holding Pandora tight to her chest. At first the pressure made her stiffen, but Carol rubbed slow circles on her back making calming sounds.
"We protect our own Pandora, you are family."
That only made her cry harder, salty tears soaking the Carol's floral shirt. She didn't seem to mind though, she held her even tighter still. It didn't take long before the well of tears she had dried up. Still even after a few dry sobs spilled out, Carol held onto her. It wasn't until her breathing had somewhat returned to normal that she let her go.
With her hands gripping her shoulders Carol pulled away, piercing blue eyes locked with her own.
"You understand why you can't tell anyone about that?"
Pandora nodded. It had been hard to look at Denise the same way at first she began to think. She had tried to understand what would make Denise save someone like him, someone who had done that to her. Denise was a doctor though, she had to help everyone, even a monster like him.
"I won't say anything." She whispered.
"Good girl." Carol was turning then collecting the empty bowl and cleaning the rest of the dishes she had made.
Pandora sat watching her, trying to take the image of the woman she saw here in the kitchen and imagine the woman who had dressed like a wolf and killed all of them. The two didn't seem to match at all. The Carol in front of her humming and washing dishes in a floral print shirt didn't seem like the woman who welded a knife with the skill to match Daryl.
When Carol was finished washing, Pandora slipped off her stool to dry and put them away. Together the kitchen was clean in no time.
"I should get going, get some things ready before tomorrow."
"It's tomorrow?" Pandora asked hands tightening into fists at her sides.
"Ya we leave in the morning."
"Do you know where he is?"
Nodding, Carol dried her hands on the dish towel before returning it. "He's with Rick and everyone else, and the guy they brought back, Andy. They're meeting in the new house on the next street." Before Carol opened the front door, she turned again, "Do you need anything else before I go?"
"No, thank you for the soup."
Nodding, the other women left shutting the door behind her. For a few long heartbeats she didn't move, just stood there. Tomorrow, they were all leaving tomorrow. Fear crawled up inside her, making a home deep in her belly. A slight tremor ran up her arms, she was scared. No, that wasn't the right word to describe the current storm in her head, she was terrified. She had seen Negan's men, they were dangerous, they were cruel.
'This group is dangerous; your people are dangerous,' she thought to herself dimly. Stepping towards the front window she looked outside, the sun was still high mid to late afternoon maybe, she really should get a watch.
Suddenly feeling the dirt of the day on her she headed for the shower and a fresh pair of clothes. Maybe it would help any panic she felt creeping up on her now. The bathroom was her favorite place, the only real place she always felt grounded. In the bathroom she left the door unlocked, Daryl was sometimes known to panic when he didn't see her the moment he stepped inside. Sometimes he would pop his head in the bathroom to make sure she was there.
Under the hot water of the shower everything relaxed, tension bleeding from inside her muscles washing down the drain with the water. She took her time now in here, knowing his meeting would take long. Fingers working the shampoo through heavy brown locks, the act made her arms tired. Since she had come here her hair had grown out down to her mid back in loose waves. It was a very impractical length, but she wasn't sure anyone here knew how to cut hair.
When she had conditioned and rinsed her hair she stood in front of the mirror naked. Her frame was a sad thin skeleton of what she once remembered. The bruising and damage from her recent adventures were all but faded, leaving her caramel skin almost unmarked. Dressed now in black tights and a long sleeved pink V-neck she made her way back into the bathroom to work on the mess that was her hair. In the mirror the changes in her face were always clear, she had rounded out, bags under her eyes slowly fading. The marks on her neck had healed some time ago, leaving no trace they were ever there.
In the living room she debated going out to find him. She was sure he would come back, he had to sleep at some point. Waiting she decided would be best, besides she wondered if Andy was still bitter about the kick to his ribs.
Curling up on the sofa she pulled the knit blanket over her legs and picked up the rape recovery book she had been reading. While she read, the sky changed colours outside going from blue to orange and deep purple with the setting of the sun. Four chapters later, the front door opened and the heavy foot falls gave way to who it was before he spoke.
"Pandora?" he stepped into the living room stopping at the door when he saw her.
"Hey," closing the book she set it back on the small table in front of her. "Carol left you some soup in the fridge."
Grunting something he turned, going to the kitchen she guessed. When he came back he held the plastic container and a spoon. Thankful he had taken off his boots before settling down on the couch beside her. Tucking her legs under herself she watched him, under five minutes the soup was gone and he was putting the now empty container back on the table.
"You good?" he asked leaning against the back of the sofa peering at her from the corner of his eyes.
"Ya, Carol was really nice."
"Ya like her now?"
Sighing, Pandora shifted, balling the blanket up in her hands. "I didn't really not like her, she was just I don't know. It's different now that I know her."
Nodding, Daryl rubbed his hands over his face, closing his eyes for a long minute.
"She said you're leaving tomorrow."
At first the statement was met with silence, then he opened his eyes to look right at her.
"Yah, you comin'?"
Despite herself she laughed closing the distance between them curling next to him.
"I think I have had my share of adventure this week," she muttered resting her head on his arm. Under her he shifted lifting his arm so that she was resting against his side, arm around her shoulders.
"Aight."
They stayed like that for a while, Pandora tucked into his side leeching the warmth from his skin. It was so comfortable, he always had that effect on her. The stillness that always seemed to surround him made her feel calm.
"Ah should get some sleep before tomorrow."
"I just got up. I wanted to go say goodbye to Tara."
He chuckled before lifting himself from the sofa. "Stay up then, go see em."
"Yes sir." She laughed saluting him as he headed up to his room. When he disappeared from her sight she got up and headed towards Denise's house.
Outside the front porch light was still on but the inside appeared dark. Pausing for a second she tried to peek inside, but she couldn't see anything. Finally, she knocked gently, if they were awake they would hear it, if not it wouldn't wake them.
The door opened just as she was about to turn away. Denise was there smiling like always.
"Everything ok?" she asked pushing her glasses up on the bridge of her nose.
"Ya I just wanted to say goodbye to Tara."
The smile grew wider and Denise stepped aside letting her step in. Tara was in the living room laying back on the couch feet up on the coffee table.
"Hey Pandora, we were just about to watch a movie, want to join us?" Tara moved the blankets that were resting on the space of the sofa beside her.
Unmoving in the opening of the room Pandora shook her head. "No, it's ok, I just wanted to wish you luck."
Denise came up behind her placing a bowl of popcorn and a mug of steaming hot chocolate in her hands.
"At least finish that before you go," passing her Denise settled into the spot beside Tara throwing a blanket over their legs.
Brown eyes flickered down to the food in her hands, it would be such a shame to let it all go to waste. With slow movement, she slid down onto the sofa tucking her legs under her as she took a sip of the steaming mug. Warm chocolate liquid filled her mouth, eyes closing she savored it. Beside her she heard Tara chuckle lightly, opening one eye Pandora glared at her.
"What, no shame, hot chocolate is a premium item these days," Tara said, the chuckle still clear in her voice. "Go ahead Denise we're ready."
"What are we watching?" Pandora asked in between mouthfuls of buttery popcorn.
"The first Avengers movie, newest one we have."