Notes: Surprise Monday post yo! Still reeling from the season finale over here don't know about you guys. I also realized I am a full season behind with this story and I want to catch up, so basically I'll be writing forever lol. Which I don't mind because I'm having a blast.
Trigger warning for this chapter for sure. Pandora dreams about her attackers things get a little detailed. You have been warned. Id love to hear what you think send me some love!
The Domino Effect
If she was honest with herself, the movie was too much for her. When they were midway through, all the different characters and action had made it too hard for her to concentrate. The bright lights, loud sounds and screaming was too much, it caused a pounding behind her eyes. So, she had spent most of the evening nursing her hot chocolate and trying to look like she was paying attention.
As the final credits rolled across the screen, Pandora hauled herself up and collected the dirty dishes to take them to the sink. Movement was better as it dulled the pounding in her skull and helped her concentrate. In the middle of washing, Denise appeared on the opposite side of the counter, leaning on her elbows watching her.
"Did you like the movie?" She asked, her tone causal and brows raised.
Pandora placed the last bowl into the drying rack and wiped her hands on the tea towel. "Ya, I thought it was good." The lie was easy, easier than it should be considering this was her doctor she was talking to.
"I love Peggy, what about you? Bucky more your type?" A half smile played on Denise's lips.
A hot flush crept up Pandora's neck, making its way up to her face. She opened her mouth fully planning on having something to say but there was nothing. She couldn't even picture the characters Denise had been talking about. She had been caught, anyone else would have let it slide but something in Denise's face said she knew more than Pandora wished she did.
"You couldn't watch it, could you?" Denise asked, the smile slipping from her face.
"No," The one word answer came after a long pause. "I don't know, it was hurting my eyes and my brain."
"You may have a concussion; the effects can last a long time. Since we don't watch many movies around here, it wasn't noticeable."
Pandora only sighed, rubbing her hands over eyes. Her hands shook as she pulled the hair from her eyes. She hated admitting that the film had been too much for her. It had left her with the same feeling she got in the real life sometimes when everything is too loud or too fast. She was tired of this, she just wanted to be better. Whatever the fuck better even looked like at this point. It was always something new, whether it be a physical injury or an emotional one.
Denise had slipped up beside her now to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, "Pandora, it's ok you are doing great."
Pandora only nodded, biting the inside of her cheek hard. Were all her emotions too plain on her face? Or was everyone here a mind reader? The room was too small, and she was done talking about how well she appeared to be. Turning, she withdrew back into the living room where Tara was still spread out on the sofa. Plopping herself down beside her, Pandora wrapped her arms around Tara's shoulders to trap her in a bone crushing hug.
"Come back in one piece ok?" Pandora whispered, pressing her face into the hollow of the other woman's neck.
Tara only laughed, wrapping her arms around her and matching the pressure of her hug. "Promise you watch out for my girl ok?"
Over the months, she had grown close to Tara as her easy-going personality and charm always seemed to have a calming effect on her. A few times she had been the only one who had been calm enough to help Pandora breathe through her panic attacks. In the days leading up to Tara leaving for the two-week run, Pandora had become increasingly stressed. She knew what was outside the walls, it was dangerous; everything that wasn't within these walls was dangerous. Two people did not seem like enough to stay safe out there.
After a few silent moments of hugging, they separated.
"I'm coming back Pandora, I'm leaving something important behind." Pandora watched Tara gaze over her shoulder.
Turning, she followed Tara's gaze to Denise putting away the dishes in the kitchen. A small smile tugged at her lips, they were so perfect together. The way that Tara looked at Denise was something that wasn't seen often these days.
With a sigh, she hoisted herself up from the sofa, smoothing down her shirt, "I should go, Daryl might be worried."
Tara turned back to her smiling, "I'll see you in two weeks Pandora."
Heading towards the door, Pandora found Denise already waiting for her holding it open. "Come and find me tomorrow afternoon, we will have a session."
Pandora nodded and squeezed the others woman's arm before turning and heading down the street. The moment the sound of the door clicked behind her she stopped mid step, titling her head up and breathing in deep and taking a lungful of the cool night air. Exhaustion pulled at the edges of her brain, thoughts becoming a slow jumbled mess. She would sleep tonight, but for how long? That was for the universe to decide.
At the end of the street near her house, the sounds of raised voices drew her attention so she moved in that direction. Passing Rick's house, all the lights were out and no sound was coming from inside. Beside Rick's house was the one that Carol and Sasha shared, it was also silent but the front light was on. This struck her as odd, who was walking around out here in the middle of the night?
The answer to the question of who was yelling was answered when Abraham stormed out of his house. Before he closed the door, sounds of Rosita's harsh raised voice drifted out into the night. She paused as she was mid-step, openly gaping at him.
"Abraham?" Her voice was quiet, as if being too loud could wake everyone.
He stopped just as he was halfway up the stairs to Sasha's house with his hand reaching out to touch the door knob, "Go home kid," he grunted before disappearing inside.
She didn't right away, for a while she stood there trying to understand what might have happened. The cold, gruff tone of his voice was not one usually directed at her. All she had was snippets of information, not enough to form a whole picture. Maybe they got into a fight, Abraham and Rosita, she knew it happened sometimes, but why leave? And why to Sasha's and not to Rick's or to their house instead? She wanted to ask, wanted to knock on the door and demand an answer because unknowns did not sit well with her. Frustrated, she turned tugging tired legs up the front steps.
Before she even opened the front door, she slipped her boots off and left them outside. No need to wake Daryl up with the sound of her heavy foot falls. Carefully, she opened the door only a crack, slipping inside a gap just wide enough to fit her frame. Hand on the door knob, she eased it open and closed it softly hearing the click behind her.
"You see him?"
Pandora jumped, hands fluttering up to her mouth to cut-off the sound of surprise. Blinking, she could see Daryl at the window dimly outlined by the light outside.
"See who?"
"Abraham." He said, rubbing his hand over his mouth before turning back to the window. She slipped up beside him, tucking her frame next to him.
"Ya, what happened?" She whispered, squinting her eyes to peer out into the dimly lit street.
"I dunno, shit ain't settled." Blue eyes glanced down at her, holding her eyes for a few seconds. "Come on, come to bed."
"No." She was cold suddenly, all too aware of what was waiting for her behind her closed lids. Despite the ache of exhaustion she was suddenly too scared to sleep. Nerves were strung up tight, she knew that alone with her thoughts was no place to be. She wondered if he could see it since after all this time he could read her like a book. He could read her better now with every day that passed, not that she was ever good at keeping her thoughts off her face.
"Come with me then," When he looked down at her something flitted across his face, caution? Worry? She thought about arguing with him but the idea of his warm bed was a nice one. She hated sleeping alone, as fucked up as that was, alone in her bed everything seemed worse.
Daryl tugged her up the stairs, pulling her in the direction of his room. The sheets and blankets were already ruffed, he had already been in bed but the shouting must have woken him. Easing her down to sit on the edge, he started helping her out of her boots and sweater. The bed was still warm as she slipped under the covers and Daryl slipped in beside her. She turned, facing him.
Their eyes locked then, she felt the heat of his gaze mixing with the heat creeping up her neck. She could have sworn she saw him inch closer to her. Reaching out, she lay her open palm on his chest, his heartbeat steady under her hand. Staring down at her hand, the moment shattered and he turned to lay on his back, tucking his hands under his head. The silence stretched out around them, she thought he was falling asleep.
"Yah can come, stay in the RV to keep watch." His voice was pitched low, cutting through the surrounding stillness.
In the darkness, she tried to make out the expression on his face to try to read the meaning in his words. But he had titled his face up, hiding it deeper in shadow.
"What if something happens?"
"Ah deal with it," His answer was quick, as if it was so obvious that she shouldn't even need to ask. "Ah don't like leaving ya behind."
Smiling into the darkness, she slipped up beside him, resting her head on his chest. "I'm working really hard at taking care of myself, but I always appreciate your concern."
His sigh vibrated deep in her bones, "Aight go to sleep then before Ah kick you outta my bed."
Again, she smiled, making no move to answer she shut her eyes and started drifting off to sleep.
In the darkness of her dreams, her panic caught up with her, choking off her air and making it hard to think. At first, she was sure she was running since she felt it so clearly. Wind whipping past her face, bits of twigs and branches scratching her skin and sticking in her hair.
Then the scene was gone and there were hands on her legs, dirty fingers leaving streaks on her inner thighs. She tried to scream, but the darkness swallowed it. That didn't stop her from trying to scream, legs kicking hard and connecting with soft flesh. Under her, she could feel the forest floor, pine needles and twigs digging into her skin. It was so real, everything felt so real, maybe this was real and everything else was the dream. It didn't matter though since she fought like always. Pitching her body upwards, she kicked again, sending the form on top of her flying off, but there was more. There was always more. Hands holding her legs down now as she struggled, fingers pressed between her legs, blunt edges forcing themselves into her. Something snapped in her head and the scream she finally let out ripped past whatever had been holding her silent. Around her, the scream seemed to shatter the surrounding images, causing the scene of the dream to change.
It was dark and warmer now than it had been, but when she blinked she could see only darkness. A quick jerk of her legs proved that she was free to move them, but something held her arms pinned down over her head. Still screaming, she tried to pull away and tried to slip her wrists free from their hold.
"Please, please, please." She begged hysterically, shoving at the figure looming over her in the shadows. Pitching her small frame upwards, she tried to wiggle free to push against the hands on her wrists.
"Pandora! Pandora!" The figure above her called her name over and over. She didn't stop though, couldn't stop because if she stopped fighting that was the end. "It's me! Pandora! It's Daryl!"
He was shouting now, trying to make himself heard over her screaming. In a flash, he was off of her, light filling every dark corner of the room. The second the weight lifted, she was running or trying to run. The sheet caught on her foot, twisting it and sending her down to the floor face first. It didn't stop her frantic movements, pulling the blanket along with her, she tucked herself into a corner of the room. Sobs shuttered through her, choking and gasping she pulled her knees to her chest.
In the light, everything made sense. In the light, she was in Alexandria in Daryl's room with him trying to calm her down. In the light, she could understand the difference between her dreams and her reality, but in the dark, it had all been the same.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Her new mantra choked its way out through sobs.
The front door banged open, "Daryl?!" Rick's shout from downstairs was laced with alarm.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Pandora continued to sob in the corner attempting to curl into herself.
"Fuck," She had shut her eyes, but she listened to Daryl moving away from her and heading out of the room. "It's aight, Pandora had a nightmare."
Rick said something she didn't catch next, Daryl replied but, again she didn't hear it. The sound of her own sobbing filled the surrounding space. She twisted her fingers deep inside her wet locks, tugging until it hurt.
Every day had been different, even better but every night seemed worse. She had nightmares all the time, but when she woke up and they were over she knew where she was. This time was different. She hadn't known Daryl, he had worn the face of her rapists. A shudder ripped through her and she dug her nails into the sides of her legs, struggling for a sense of calm. It didn't come. Instead, she sat curled into a ball in the corner until the sobs had died down.
"Bad one, like when Ah first found her."
"Want me to get the Doc?"
"Naw Ah got it, thanks."
"I can stay for a while if you need a hand."
"Naw it's ok man get some sleep."
The rest of the conversation moved out of her range of hearing. How long she had stayed there, she wasn't sure as she was lost somewhere in the tangled thoughts of her brain. She breathed in deeply, counting to five with each breath in and out. Daryl's heavy foot falls sounded in the room again. Stiffening, she forced her eyes open to look at him.
"Hey," He eased down in front of her, kneeling with his palms out in front of him. "Lemme help you up."
He reached for her then, grip tight on her shoulder to pull her into a standing position before lowering her back down onto the side of the bed. Every nerve on fire, limbs refusing to respond to even her most basic command. She tried to get her legs to move, tried to lift them up onto the bed, but as she stared down at them they didn't move.
"Pan?" Daryl's voice sounded out, cutting through her fog.
When she looked up, he was standing in front of her holding a mug of steaming liquid.
"Here, drink."
He held the mug out in front of her, blinking, she lifted her hands to take it. Finally, they answered her demand for movement this time. It smelled like green tea and she really did want it, but trying to get her hands to work with her brain past holding the mug wasn't really happening.
Daryl must have noticed her struggle because he reached over and took it from her, placing it on the small table beside the bed. Wistfully, she eyed the warm drink missing the solid warmth in her hands.
Glancing up at him, she noticed the fleck of dried blood under his nose. Now her hands moved of their own accord, reaching out to wipe the dried bit away, thumb tracing his chin. His mouth was moving she was sure of it, but nothing seemed to reach her ears. Head titled to the side, she watched him talk to try to make out the words.
"Daryl," She whispered, tears pooling in her vision again creating warm hot tracks down her cheeks. "I'm sorry."
His eyes were hard then, mouth drawn into a thin line. In the next moment, he was on the bed beside her, pulling her into him in a tight hold. For a second, her whole body went stiff with the contact, but it was Daryl and in the light, he no longer wore the faces of rapists.
"Ain't your fault ya know that, Ah know that." His words reached her now, pressure from the hug grounded her, keeping her present.
"I saw them, it was you but I saw them."
"Ah know."
He didn't let her go and she didn't mind either as she was still on edge. He kept talking to her though most of it she didn't comprehend it all, she let the rumble of his voice calm her down. What calm even looked like after something like that she wasn't sure, she would settle with just not crying.
When her tears stopped, the sun was peeking through the clouds outside. It was morning. They had sat like that for the rest of the night. Her curled into his side with his arms around her. Her mind still wandered, somewhat in quick flashes with images from the nightmares playing behind her eyes. The pressure and warmth of Daryl beside her reminded her where she was. She turned her head to glance out the window, morning light was streaking the sky above them.
"Yah wanna talk?" He muttered into the side of her head. He must have taken her movement as an indication that she was ready for conversation.
Against him, she shook her head as she was unable to find the right words, instead absently playing with the helm of his shirt. Everything was still too jumbled, still too fresh. She wasn't ready to tell him about the nightmares, tell him how real it felt.
"Yah gonna try to sleep again?"
His question was met with another shake of her head, he sighed, arms tightening around her for a moment. Downstairs, the front door opened and someone started stepping inside.
"Daryl? Pandora?" Carol's voice floated up from the main level of the house.
His grip relaxed, arms falling away as he stood leaving her sitting alone in the bed. Hearing him descend the stairs, she silently moved to the door. Had everyone in Alexandria heard her screaming last night? Her answer came in the hushed voices from her kitchen.
"Did you sleep?"
There is the sound of movement in the kitchen, the opening of drawers, the sound of plates. Pandora slipped behind the door, peering out of the crack but she couldn't make them out. Their voices did reach her from where she hid though, despite being tucked away.
"Some, yah, been up since she got up."
"It was bad?"
His sigh sounded all the way upstairs, heavy and tired. She imagined him running his hands over his face, his classic gesture.
"Bad like before, when Ah first brought her here. She wasn't really awake, thought I was them. Got me good in the face."
"Let me take a look."
There was the sounds of bodies moving, fabric against skin, shoes against the floor. Closing her eyes, she tried to picture what they were doing. They were quiet now though, conversation dying away as Carol inspected his face she guessed. She pictures Carol cleaning the rest of the dried blood from Daryl's face.
"What are you going to do?"
"Bout what?"
"About today, are you going to go or stay back?"
Her heart tightened painfully in her chest, she longed to ask him to stay. Call it selfish, she didn't give a shit; she wanted him here with her. Out there, out there was dangerous. Rationally, she knew it was for the greater good. These men, these saviours were dangerous, she had seen it first hand as they almost killed her. Still, she struggled with the idea of letting him go out there after them. She struggled with anyone leaving these walls, be it Daryl, Tara, or Rick.
"Naw Ah gotta go, gotta see this through."
Her shoulders slumped slightly. She turned, heading out of the room into the hallway she looked over the railing catching Daryl's eyes. His gaze stopped her, freezing her in the spot for a few long seconds. He was sitting on the stool, Carol at the sink rinsing a cloth. He opened his mouth like he was about to speak, but she turned away to head for the bathroom, shutting the door.
Back pressed against the door, she allowed herself a moment to mourn the death of her fantasy of him staying behind. Then, she was moving slow, lumbering steps to the shower in hopes of washing any traces of her nightmares away.
The mirror over the sink caught her eye as she passed, turning, she stared at her reflection. Light purple bruising marked the space under her eyes, the whites of her eyes were blood shot. Reaching out, she lay her hand against the cold glass of the mirror. Once she had been a pretty young woman with a full life and a bright future, and now what was she? A hollow shell of her former self, maybe not even a shell, she didn't even resemble anything she used to be.
'More sleep would help.' She thought, leaning into her reflection. Her skin was a paler wash then usual. She ran her fingers over her reflection before letting them fall away.
"Shower." She told herself out-loud, like delivering the instructions would help. It did a little as she was on auto pilot moving through her shower. The water didn't quite bring the sense of calm she was looking for. It only served as a reminder of her nightmares, each drop of water like fingers against her skin. She rushed out, grateful for it to be over.
The towel she found was huge, falling all the way down past her knees. It was a good thing because the moment she stepped out of the washroom, Daryl was there, leaning against the door with his arms crossed over his chest. Stopping, she turned, eyes on the floor and fingers a death grip on the towel.
"Carol brought food, come eat before Ah go."
Nodding, she rushed off to her room shutting the door behind her. They would have to talk about last night at some point. Thinking about it made her want to curl back underneath the blanket. Her nightmares hadn't been that bad in a long time, not since the first month. She had been here for almost six now if she was counting right, it should be better by now.
It would come up in therapy she thought as she pulled a pair of leggings from her drawer. Dressed, she tied her hair in a thick braid that hung dripping down her back. She didn't bother with the mirror as she turned to leave, hating her reflection these days anyway.
In the kitchen, Daryl sat at the island with two steaming plates. Sliding onto the stool beside him, she picked up the fork and began eating, couldn't talk if your mouth was full. Daryl followed suit and for a few minutes they ate together in silence.
"When do you leave?"
"Soon" He answered, taking her now empty plate to the sink.
She had eaten fast, it had been a long time since she had something that good. Mixed fresh veggies with eggs, Carol must have brought it over when she had been here before.
"About last night," She muttered, a few strands of hair escaped her braid falling over her eyes.
"Go see the Doc ok?" He was beside her then, a heavy hand falling on her shoulder.
Reaching up, she placed her hand over his, resting her head against his arm. Hot tears pooled in her eyes threatening to spill over onto her cheeks. A slight tremble had made its home in her shoulders.
Daryl must have felt it too, leaning over, he wrapped both arms around her now. She eased her head back on his shoulder as the tears came spilling down her cheeks onto her shirt. Everything was too much. Too new, too many people for her to cope with. Her world was changing too fast, and she was left running to catch up.
"Ahm coming back, right? I always do."
It was suddenly so clear it shocked her, "This is going to change everything." The words were whispered, voice pitched low.
Daryl only chuckled, holding her just a bit tighter, "This ain't gonna change shit, you'll see."
She lay both her hands over his, turning to hide her face in his vest. They stayed like that until a knock on the door came, startling them both and shocking them away from each other.
"Daryl?" Rick's voice sounded from the other side of the front door.
"Yah come on in." Daryl was moving away from her before Rick stepped in. He moved around the house then, collecting his bow from the living room and gun from where he left it on the coffee table. Hurrying, she wiped the wet tracks off her cheeks with the back of her hand. Not that it mattered, everyone here knew she was a fucking mess at the best of times.
Rick stepped in the front hallway ready to go, "We're moving out, you ready?"
"Yah man, let's go."
Pandora stood, pushing the stool back in. Rick stepped into the kitchen eyeing her.
"Rick?" She asked, titling her head to the side and eyeing him right back.
"Ya?"
"Thank you for coming to check on me last night." Her fingers were in her hair again, twisting the loose strands.
"It's what we do." He answered, a hint of a smile on his lips.
His smile was like an infection as she smiled back him, a small one, but it was there tugging at her lips.
"Come back in one piece."
Rick laughed, "We always do."
She stood on the front porch, cigarette hanging from her lips to watch them pile into different cars. That feeling of hopelessness stayed with her though, dread curling in the pit of her stomach. Daryl cast one more look at her before getting into a car with Carol.
Turning away, she put the cigarette out and went to find Denise.