Chapter 31

The Hole

Her dreams are different from before that makes her think she isn't dreaming after all and she's dead. She dreams about the wolves chasing her through the forest. The trees are dense around her, so tall and thick that she can't tell if its day or night. She dreams about Denise arrow sticking out of her eye asking Pandora what number she's on. When she tried to answer her Denise is gone, and she is alone again.

Until she hears their footsteps in the trees. She runs but it's slow the ground is uneven, twigs and roots catching her feet making her stumble. The forest itself seems intent on making her prey. She swears she can hear them behind her they laugh and call out to her through the trees. Suddenly it's not them anymore its Daryl chasing her. He sounds so scared screaming her name crashing through the brush.

"Daryl!" She screams for him now spinning in one spot to try and find the direction of his voice. Something catches on a tree as she ran, she isn't sure what stops her, but she only pulls harder against it. But when she can't get free, she looks down at herself the arrow in her shoulder is caught on a branch. She doesn't remember how it got there, or when it got there. Hands shaking, she tries to pull herself loose, she's numb but blood gushes from the wound. Its pooling on the floor under her soaking into the earth.

"You taught me the courage of stars before you left, how light carries on endlessly even after."

"Pandora, yah gotta wake up." It's Daryl's voice. It's the same it's coming from somewhere else, from wherever the music is floating in from.

'I'm dreaming' Pandora realizes now. Oh, course she's dreaming, the blood still pours from her chest a red river but still there is no pain. She needs to wake up because she hears Daryl and she needs to wake up for him. In the woods his voice is gone, he's not screaming for her anymore. But somewhere else she hears him in bits of conversation too far off for her to understand.

So, she fights again just like before, tries whatever she can she wake herself up. Pinches herself, pulls at the arrow. Nothing. The footsteps are closer now, and when she listens like Daryl taught her she can hear the different sets of footsteps, five or six. She can't make them out clearly though can't tell which direction they are coming from.

"Daryl!" She screams again pulling she bolt loose from the tree finally. She's trying to run and stops blood soaked vines curl up her legs, thrones leaving bright red welts on blood. "Fuck!" She tries to claw them but they twist around her ankles painfully.

The music keeps playing overhead. Cursing and screaming again she stops trying to pull at them, instead lets them drag her down to her knees. A twig snaps to her left the voices float towards laughing and howling as they come through the trees. The sound of them chills her to the point where she is frozen in place. Somewhere over head she could still hear Daryl's voice, but she is so tired. There is no more fight right now, she's tired so tired of it. Running, all she ever does is run. So, she stays there and waits for them to come.

"Our mistakes they were bound to be made. But I promise you I'll keep you safe. I'll keep you safe."

It's the music that finds her again but this time the sound is clear and crisp. She opens her eyes and is met with a dim outlet of a room. The sound Pandora makes is somewhere between a sigh and a sob. Once the first sob comes they don't stop, curling to her side she cries. She's awake, and everything hurts. She couldn't be happier for the pain it means she alive that only makes her cry harder. She was ready to lay down in her dreams, and now she's in pain and it' so sweet.

"Pandora! You're safe, it's ok."

It's a woman's voice she's sure but she can't quite focus enough to make out who it belongs to. The tears still came pin pointed by the pain in her shoulder, and the pain in her chest. Because if she was here, awake and alive that means Denise isn't. It means that it wasn't all part of her nightmares, that had been real, too real.

Somehow a sound reaches her the rustling of clothes, a door opening, shouting, then a door closing again. She can't make out the words, not over the sound of her own sobbing.

"Pandora, you gotta lay back ok."

It's Rosita she realizes then the women is in front of her putting her hands on her shoulders trying to push her onto her back. But Pandora can't uncurl herself, not with the gaping hole in her chest. She's sure if she pulls herself tight enough she can fill it with her own body. If she lays back, she's too empty too exposed.

"Pandora your bleeding!"

'Oh' she is there's a warmth spreading over her chest now, a slower drip then it had been in the dream. The door behind her opens again it's left open the light from the hall way illuminated Daryl's form as he moved towards her. He comes to her side head dipping towards her own.

"Pan listen Ahm right here, lemme help."

The sound of Daryl voice triggers the picture of his face as he desperately tried to catch Denise as she fell . She remembers again remembers where the first arrow had found its home. In her mind, she could see the Doctors lifeless body dropping to the floor. The picture of Daryl's broken face played behind her now closed lids. Another sob causes a lightning bolt of pain in her shoulder. Gasping she fell forward in Daryl's waiting arms.

"Hold her still," Rosita is pulling her shirt up shoving her arm out of her sleeve. "she tore a fucking stitch."

Pandora didn't quite understand what Rosita means by that and she tried for a second to work it out in her head. Stitch Rosita said stitch. But it hurts, everything hurts so fucking much it's hard for her to even think.

"Ahm sorry, it's gonna hurt, Pandora Ahm so sorry" Daryl keep saying sorry lips pressed right against her ear. Her attention tunnels to him focusing only on the sound of his voice, the feeling of his breath tickling her ear.

At the first prick of pain Pandora gasps, understand now that Rosita had meant. She was closing her wound again right there with Pandora awake. The pain freezes the sounds in her mouth causing her frame to stiffen against Daryl's hold. She feels the needle breaking the skin, the string pulling the edges of her skin back together. Pandora tries to move away from the pain, Daryl holds her still hands locked on shoulders.

When it was over she is sitting slumped into Daryl's chest, cheeks soaked with tears breathing shallow and labored. Rosita had closed the wound again and changed the dressings. Pandora couldn't quite be sure how long the whole thing took, but when she finally opened her eyes again Rosita was leaning over into her field of vision.

"I'll come back tomorrow." Rosita says voice is softer now her gaze lingers on them a second longer before she shuts the door.

"Daryl," Pandora whispers raising her left hand to grip his vest. "Did you, did you go." She struggles to find the words and when they don't come to her tears fill the space. She needs to know where the body is, if they left Denise or brought her back. But her tongue is too thick on her mouth grief choking off her thoughts and words.

"Ah went back." He knows what she is asking and when she hears it some of the tension is gone. She knows somewhere in her head that he would never leave Denise's body there, she needed to hear it, she needed to be sure. "Ya scared me." He is leaning into her now lips brushing her temple softly.

"I was dying, or I was ready to." She whispered turning her head a fraction to catch his lips. "Then I heard you and I had to come back."

"Thank yah." He whispers. Daryl holds her still against him leans in lips pressed to her forehead. Before she knows it he is easing her back down on the bed making sure she is laying on the left side. Then he lay down next to her holding her as tightly as he dared.

"Sleep now."

"Can we skip past near-death clichés. Where my heart restarts, as my life replays?"

When she hears the next line, she realizes he brought that in here for her. The CD player and the CDs she had brought home that day. She wanted to ask him how long she had been sleeping for, but the darkness is creeping into her vision again. It doesn't take long until she give into it letting it pull her under.

The second time she wakes her head feels clear the pain isn't so sharp. Daryl is still in the bed with her when she opens her eyes, it helps her to remember. Remember she isn't dead, that she's here back home safe. She isn't sure how she could have ever thought she was dead when she was in this much pain.

Her throat aches to dry and rough from not enough usage, or maybe too much screaming in her sleep she can't be sure. Pulling herself up she winces, the actions sending a light bolt of pain through her. Her shoulder is tight muscles hard under the skin, when she moves just so she swears she can feel the tug of the stitches holding her together. Pandora rolls her shoulders feeling the tug again, it's a reassuring feeling as if the stiches are holding everything together.

When she hears the next line, she realizes he brought that in here for her. The CD player and the CDs she had brought home that day she went out with Daryl and Rick. She wants to ask him how long she had been sleeping for, but the darkness is creeping into her vision again. It doesn't take long until she gives into it, letting it pull her under.

The second time she wakes, her head feels clear and the pain isn't so sharp. Daryl is still in the bed with her when she opens her eyes, it helps her to remember. Remember that she isn't dead, that she's here, back home, safe. She isn't sure how she could have ever thought she was dead when she was in this much pain.

"Hey, take is easy" Daryl's glancing down at her hand trailing to the hair at the back of her neck. He's sitting up now his other hand curling around her elbow to keep her steady.

"Water?" She whispers hands trailing her throat a fire burns in the wake of the words.

"Here first lean back." Daryl is moving behind her doing what she isn't sure until she leans back like he asks. She met with a wall of soft pillows, they hold her up gently hardly putting any pressure on her wound. A small sigh of happiness escapes her, just holding herself up for few moments was a strain.

When she's settled, he is handing her a glass already full of water. As she's drinking, she takes the time to look around, she has been put back in the room she used when she first got here. It's messy Daryl's clothes laying in random places. The CD sat on the dresser, ever CD she had brought open scattered on the surface. Pill bottles, gauze and bandages littering every other surface.

When she's finished she doesn't let go of the glass only grips it tighter to stead her hands. Daryl takes it from her though, tugging it gently from her hands placing it on the night stand beside her bed. Tilting her head to the side she watches him find the only clear spot.

"Eat." He pushed a plate of food towards her.

Apples, crackers, a trail mix. She holds out her hand for him while trying to figure out where the plate had come from. Staring for a few long seconds her stomach did an uneasy flip inside her, already protesting the idea of eating. Silently she pushed it away shaking her head in a way of answer. Daryl sighed but put it back not arguing with her.

His hands find her own, encasing them in his grip. She looks at him realizing now that she had been staring off at some blank spot behind him. It's like before where she can't quite get a handle on her brain. She tries to think about what Denise would tell her to do, but the thought makes her heart tighten painfully and she lets it go. Daryl tugs her hands again pulling her back to the present moment.

"Ah thought Ah was gonna lose yah." His voice is pitched low, edges raw.

He looks tired, the type of tired that goes bone deep. With her left hand, she reaches for him tangling her fingers in his hair and tugging him closer. He does as she asks like always slipping beside her, he doesn't put his arm around her though just leans against her gently. They sit like this side by side against her throne of pillows for a few silent moments.

"Scared the shit out me" He whispered tangling his fingers with hers.

"How long?" She asked finally finding her voice.

Daryl leans down towards her planting a gentle kiss on her temple. "Yah been out three days Pan." Lifting his hand, he reached over and touched her cheek. "Yah had an infection, couldn't get yah to wake up for anything."

"I didn't know I was dreaming." She whispered tightening her grip on his hand. "I thought I was dead, until I heard you and the music. I was so tired of running, so I waited for them to find me, then it would have been over." She doesn't tell him how badly she wanted it to be over for a second. How after dreaming of Denise dying over and over again she was ready for it to be over for herself too.

Daryl goes stiff beside her for only a seconds, then he is sliding his arm behind her staying low on her back to avoid her shoulder. He's careful though always so careful, but she missed the deep pressure he usually gave her.

"Ahm sorry."

"No," Pandora breathed the word shaking her head. She can't let him carry that, can't let him hold all the guilt of what happened. "You kept me safe like you said. You brought me home."

"Ah didn't bring everyone home."

"I know Daryl," Her head finds his shoulder the movement tugs at the stiches again but now she welcomes the pain. She's crying again, tears leaving tracks down her cheeks dropping on her shirt. "I know."

There is a hollow place in her chest now she lets Denise's name live there. Let's her name fill the hole she keeps for the loved ones she lost. She keeps Lily there too, tucks away her sister's sweet smile in the darkness. Her parents are there too, their loving gazes tucked away too where she can't see them either. Others are there too, Riley, Tabitha all those she lost along the way. No matter how many people she tucks in there the hole grows to fit them.

Pandora begins to cry harder now shutting her eyes against the tears, only to see the moment of Denise's death playing over and over behind her closed lids. The hole in her chest is gaping wide again, she tries to curl herself into it again but the pain her shoulder as she tries to pull her knees to her chest makes her gasp for air.

Daryl is talking to her, but she can't hear it or doesn't want to she isn't sure. His hands are on her shoulders though, trying to keep her upright. Her body fights against his hold though slumping forward towards her half-drawn knees.

"Pan, gotta sit up ok." His voice is on the edge of tears.

He won't let them fall not now, and she had done enough crying for the both of them.

"Take me to-" She chokes through her tears a sob making her hunch again. The pain is a bright bolt on her head focusing her. "Take me to her grave, please" Her voice has a begging quality to it, she hates herself for her inability to stop it.

"Pandora."

Her head snaps towards him watching his face swim in her tear-filled vision. He's trying not to look at her though, she won't allow it. Fingers reach for his chin pulling his eyes up to hers. His eyes reflect the storm inside he is swimming in rage, guilt and pain. It makes her choke out another sob but she kisses him lips ghosting over his.

"Please," She whispers against his lips "I need to see it."

"Eat first," Leaning away from her his tone doesn't leave room for her counter back. He is already handing her plate anyway. Taking the apple, she watches him cut it with the knife at his belt.

Wiping her eyes, she reached for the first slice. The moment she eats the first slice her body remembers what it's like to be hungry. She finishes the rest of the plate, and the apple slices Daryl cuts for her. He sighs when she hands the empty plate back to him.

"Com'on then, take this." Daryl places one pill in her hand, the other hand holding a glass of water. She takes it almost shallows it dry but Daryl the forever rational one is pushing the water into her hands now, two sips and the pill is down.

Standing he held his hands out for her take. "Then yah gotta rest."

Not answering she takes his hand her grip on the right hand is weaker, he doesn't miss a beat lifting her by the elbows. The room pitches and dips in her vision, if she was alone she would have been on the floor already. But he's there like always, her anchor.

'I should be stronger for him.' The thought comes to her as they are leaving the house and heading for the grave yard. The idea that she needs to be better for him. Daryl is always what she needs, maybe she should try and be what he needs for a change. 'I'm going to say goodbye, then go home.' She thinks that's it, she just needs to see it then she can rest like he says. Then tomorrow everything will be different.

Whatever vision she had of how this would go vanished the moment she saw the fresh grave. There was a cross marking it, she assumed her name had been carved into it but from where they were standing it was hard to see.

Daryl had been holding her hand, his other arm around her waist to steady her. The moment they got there she stepped away from him letting his hands fall away. Standing before the grave whatever composure she had left vanished the moment she reads Denise's name. Sinking to her knees she sobbed, cries pulling their way free from her chest.

Somewhere behind her she hears the crushing of leaves under boots, the sound moves away from her followed by low voices. The pain in her chest is worse than the pain in her shoulder now. Denise had been so good, too good for this shit hole of a world.

The guilt was almost enough to crush her, she had insisted Denise go encouraged her even. Knowing what was out there, Pandora knew it wasn't safe it was never safe. Pandora knew that more than anyone when she stepped outside of these walls someone was hurt, why did she think this time would be any different.

"I'm sorry." She whispered through her tears. "I'm so fucking sorry."

She wants to get up now, wants to go back to her room and think. Think about what's next. There is a next there has to be. She'll find them, no not them no just Dwight. Killing Dwight is what's next for her, what is last for her she realizes it would be the last thing she ever did. She wants to sit and plan these things, but the tears pour out of her still.

She's not just crying for Denise anymore she crying for everyone she's lost, her family the groups along the way. She cries for those who aren't dead yet because she knows that they will be dead, maybe not tomorrow or the next day but before their time they will be gone.

How long it takes the tears to stop she isn't sure, but when they do she's empty. There is a shifting beside her a flash of movement from the corner of her eye. She knows it's Daryl even if she can't see him, and she can't see him her eyes red and raw from tears.

"She saved me too," Pandora mumbled voice thick. Denise had saved her just as much as Daryl had saved her. "I'm always left behind, I always survive. That's my curse."

Daryl is silent for a moment before he answers, "Ain't no curse your tough as shit."

"I'm not," she leans forward sinking her fingers in the earth that is now housing her friends body. "Not without you, not without Denise."

"That's bullshit and yah know it." He's angry now she can hear it in his voice. "Ya were strong before us." Daryl is standing behind her now his hand on her shoulder.

A laugh escaped her before she can't stop it, it's a sad sound though causing a few more tears to run down her face. He so wrong she wasn't strong, she was stupid and weak. If she had been strong the Wolves wouldn't have taken her, Denise wouldn't be dead.

"She saved me Daryl, and I couldn't even kill him for what he did."

Wiping at her eyes she shakes her head shaking his hand off in the process. She needs to shake the images from her head. Cant bare another second of watching Denise fall to the ground. That day will be fresh fuel for her nightmares. She would get Dwight, if it was the last thing she ever dose he would pay for all of it. That would set it right again and eye for an eye. Beside her Daryl kneels on the ground next to her fingers curling around her own.

"Ah ain't letting him live."

"Good."

Pandora begins to cry harder now, shutting her eyes against the tears, only to see the moment of Denise's death playing over and over behind her closed lids. The hole in her chest is gaping wide again. She tries to curl herself into it, but the pain her shoulder causes when she tries to pull her knees to her chest makes her gasp for air.

Daryl is talking to her, but she can't hear it, or doesn't want to, she isn't sure. His hands are on her shoulders though, trying to keep her upright. Her body fights against his hold though, slumping forward towards her half-drawn knees.

"Pan, gotta sit up, OK?" His voice is on the edge of tears.

He won't let them fall, not now, and she has done enough crying for the both of them.

"Take me to-" She chokes through her tears, a sob making her hunch again. The pain is a bright bolt on her head, focusing her. "Take me to her grave, please." Her voice has a begging quality to it, she hates herself for her inability to stop it.

"Pandora."

Her head snaps towards him, watching his face swim in her tear-filled vision. He's trying not to look at her, but she won't allow it. Her fingers reach for his chin, pulling his eyes up to hers. His eyes reflect the storm inside. He is swimming in rage, guilt and pain. It makes her choke out another sob, but she kisses him, lips ghosting over his.

"Please," she whispers against his lips. "I need to see it."

"Eat first." Leaning away from her, his tone doesn't leave room for her to counter back. He is already handing her a plate, anyway. Taking the apple, she watches him cut it with the knife at his belt.

Wiping her eyes, she reaches for the first slice. The moment she eats it, her body remembers what it's like to be hungry. She finishes the rest of the plate and the apple slices Daryl cuts for her. He sighs when she hands the empty plate back to him.

"C'mon then, take this." Daryl places one pill in her hand, the other hand holding a glass of water. She takes it and almost swallows it dry, but Daryl, the forever rational one, pushes the water into her hands. Two sips and the pill is down.

Standing, he holds his hands out for her take. "Then yah gotta rest."

Not answering, she takes his hand, her grip on the right hand is weaker, but he doesn't miss a beat, lifting her by the elbows. The room pitches and dips in her vision. If she was alone, she would have been on the floor already. But he's there, like always, her anchor.

'I should be stronger for him.' The thought comes to her as they leave the house and head for the graveyard, the idea that she needs to be better for him. Daryl is always what she needs, maybe she should try and be what he needs for a change.

'I'm going to say goodbye, then go home.' She thinks that's it, she just needs to see it, then she can rest like he says. Then tomorrow, everything will be different.

Whatever vision she had of how this would go, vanishes the moment she sees the fresh grave. It stands out stark against the other graves, they are dry, the rich brown of Denise's grave. Pandora let's her eyes scan over the neat lines of graves, she tries to count them but her head aches too much. Instead she turns to Denises grave again, tears swimming in her eyes. There is a cross marking it. She assumes her name had been carved into it, but from where they are standing, it is hard to see.

Daryl had been holding her hand, his other arm around her waist to steady her. Daryl moves her between the rows of graves, until the stop in front of the newest. Standing before the grave, whatever composure she had left, vanishes the moment she reads Denise's name. Sinking to her knees she sobs, the cries pulling their way free from her chest.

Somewhere behind her, she hears the crunching of leaves under boots. The sound moves away from her, followed by low voices. The pain in her chest is worse than the pain in her shoulder now. Denise had been so good, too good for this shit hole of a world.

The guilt was almost enough to crush her. She had insisted that Denise go, encouraged her, even. Knowing what was out there, Pandora knew it wasn't safe, it was never safe. Pandora knew that more than anyone. Whenever she stepped outside of these walls, someone was hurt. Why did she think this time would be any different?

"I'm sorry," she whispers through her tears. "I'm so fucking sorry."

She wants to get up now, wants to go back to her room and think. Think about what's next. There is a next, there has to be. She'll find them. No, not them, no. Just Dwight. Killing Dwight is what's next for her, what is last for her, she realizes. It would be the last thing she ever did. She wants to sit and plan these things, but the tears pour out of her still.

She's not just crying for Denise anymore, she crying for everyone she's lost. Her family and the groups along the way. She cries for those who aren't dead yet because she knows that they will be dead, maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but before their time, they will be gone.

How long it takes for the tears to stop, she isn't sure, but when they do, she's empty. There is a shifting beside her, a flash of movement from the corner of her eye. She knows it's Daryl, even if she can't see him through her eyes that are red and raw from tears.

"She saved me too," Pandora mumbles, voice thick. Denise had saved her just as much as Daryl had saved her. "I'm always left behind, I always survive. That's my curse."

Daryl is silent for a moment before he answers. "Ain't no curse, you're tough as shit."

"I'm not." She leans forward, sinking her fingers in the earth that is now housing her friend's body. "Not without you, not without Denise."

"That's bullshit and yah know it." He's angry now, she can hear it in his voice. "Ya were strong before us." Daryl is standing behind her now, his hand on her shoulder.

A laugh escapes her before she can stop it. It's a sad sound though, causing a few more tears to run down her face. He is so wrong. She wasn't strong, she was stupid and weak. If she had been strong, the Wolves wouldn't have taken her and Denise wouldn't be dead.

"She saved me, Daryl, and I couldn't even kill him for what he did."

Wiping at her eyes, she shakes her head, shaking his hand off in the process. She needs to shake the images from her head. She can't bear another second of watching Denise fall to the ground. That day will be fresh fuel for her nightmares. She would get Dwight, if it was the last thing she ever does, he would pay for all of it. That would set it right again. An eye for an eye. Beside her, Daryl kneels on the ground, fingers curling around her own.

"Ah ain't letting him live."

"Good."