Notes:
Well these are strange times we are living in huh? Where I live we are being told to socially distance. I have underlining health conditions and a shitty immune system so I am on lock down. Which means I dusted off this old bad boy, because I have hit a road block on some of my other works. This still brings be so much joy you guys, you don't even know
(See the end of the chapter for more notes)
Pandora never dreams, no everything she sees when she closes her eyes is a nightmare. At the moment she is dreaming about fire, about Negan burning Hilltop to the ground. It's so real that the smell sticks to the inside of her nose as she stands among the burning fields. Around her everyone is screaming, running for their lives. They don't notice her standing alone in the wheat fields.
"There you are Princess!" Negan's thundering voice sounds from somewhere behind her. Without thinking about it her body turns and tries to move towards him, but nothing happens. Her feet are rooted to the ground around her and the flames reach up to lick her hands dancing between her fingers. There isn't any pain , she had come close enough to death to know this is a dream really dying that hurts.
Flames melt the world around her until there is nothing but darkness. Thick inky blackness she cannot see through.
"You will learn to be good ." Negan's voice says somewhere off in the darkness.
Pandora can move now but there isn't anywhere to go, her hands find nothing but smooth walls. It's then she screams pounding her fists against the walls, in a vain attempt at freedom. It's the box she knew it, she was back in the box because she wasn't being good .
"Pan Ah got ya."
That isn't Negan no she knows who it is, that voice had been what home sounded like. That voice got her back in the box. She is sure of it.
"No, no, no." Hands over her ears muffle the sounds.
Then her world is shifting again, and the darkness is being replaced by a dim light. It takes her a second to come up from the darkness. To feel the hands on her wrists, to see Daryl looming over her face pained.
They stay like that for a few moments while Pandora sobs out the rest of the fear from her nightmares. The breath in her lungs is searing fire, raw from screaming.
A knock sounds on the door loud and urgent. The person on the other side doesn't wait for an answer, rather just opens the door and steps inside.
"Daryl?"
Pandora turns away from him to lock eyes with Rosita.
"Nightmare." Daryl drops her wrists to hold her hands instead. Pandora makes no move to remove her hands, instead for a moment she enjoys the warm pressure of it. For a few long seconds the room is quiet Pandora cannot quite be present enough to understand what's going on. Daryl gets up moving to the door, Pandora sits up pulling her knees to her chest.
She wants some wine or whiskey. Something else to burn her chest other than memories of fire. Finally after what she is sure has been a hushed conversation the door closes.
"Sorry," Pandora whispers. "I didn't mean to wake you up."
Here in the almost daylight things can look different, feel different. It feels different Pandora thinks as she looks at Darly now sitting silently in the chair beside her.
"Pandora Ah," Daryl tries to speak but words have never been something he was good with, it was something they shared a love of comfortable silence.
In her head she can almost see the conversation playing out. He will say that he is sorry. He didn't mean to leave her. Pandora will tell him that's not the point, and they will go in circles. Instead she stops him with her hand held up between them.
"Can I go outside to see the graves?"
Daryl watches her in silence for a few long seconds until he sighs, "Can you eat something first?"
Nodding Pandora watches him leave the room, her head pounds. The side with the bullet hole throbs, and her head pounds more. The smart thing to do would be to stay in bed but instead she needs to get out of this room. The walls are too small and everything reminded her of something she had been running from.
Before she can fall into complete panic Daryl is back holding an apple and a cup of nuts. She eats in silence unable to bring herself to meet his eyes. But she can feel him watching her, gaze hot on her.
"Ah ain't letting you outta my sight again. Ah swear." Daryl's voice fills the silence of the room, making her shake.
Pandora can't answer him; instead she picks a nut one by one and pops them into her mouth. She cannot be here, as long as she was with Negan she was safe , here she wasn't safe. They were not safe either, no Negan was turn the world upside down to find her.
"Ah got you something to wear." Daryl produces a bag from under the bed.
The apple core in one hand she picks through the bag, finding leggings, a shirt and a hoodie. It all looks her size, if not a bit worn. They don't speak as Daryl just moves to leave the room. In moments Pandora is in the fresh clothes, but her side aches even more. She refused to ask for help and getting the sweater over had given her stitches a painful tug.
Dressed and ready Pandora opens the door to see Daryl resting on the railing outside the room.
"Comeon than."
It must be early when they step outside the sun of just coming up only a few people mill about. Most of them are tending to animals, cows, a few horses, a goat. Her and the animals are the only things that seem to be up this early. As they walk, she notices that much of the wide open space she remembers from before is gone now. Filled with cars, buses, tents and trailers, Hilltop is bursting at the seams.
When they reach the graveyard, another thing that had grown larger in her absence Pandora realizes they are not as alone as she thought. Rick kneels in the dirt of a fresh looking grave. Pandora can feel her heart give a painful tug in her chest. Carl had not made it , by far this was one of the cruelest things she had learned. Who decided she got to live the girl who was nothing but a shadow most of the time. Carl had been the one person who she was sure was going to survive it.
Pandora doesn't stop when she walks past Rick, instead she walks to where she remembers. The soil on Abraham and Glenn's graves are long dry, they have been here for some time. Daryl doesn't follow her to their graves he stops and with a glance over her shoulder she can see him talking to Rick.
Her fucking head hurts here, everything is changing too fast for her liking. With her fingers in the dirt over Abraham she pictures him here now. Sitting next to her on the ground cigar in his mouth. That isn't right this is not where she wants to be anymore, she needs to be where Negan is. Hilltop is far from the Sanctuary, a full day's drive maybe . Pandora curses herself for not paying more attention, instead she daydreamed and smoked the drive away.
"Look, about what Ah did at the Sanctuary, trying to end it real quick. Ah just wanted it done. Ah didn't want to give them another chance, not again. And Ah didn't care who was there. Ah don't know it that makes it right or…"
The breeze carries Daryl's voice to her. She didn't need to hear the whole conversation to know what he was talking about. The truck, the truck that brought the dead. Daryl had done that. He had driven the truck through the doors. She could have died. He knew that, he said he didn't care who was in there, she had been in there.
Despite being outside Pandora feels everything closing down on her, trees and graves trying to crush her under them. Standing she watches the dirt she had been holding fall between her fingers back onto the grave. It's easy for her to find a path away from the speaking men. Her hand traces the lowest steel beam holding the wall in place.
Her gaze follows the wall to the top, it is unbelievably high much higher than they had been in Alexandria. Her fingers brush the tall tree trunks. She could climb it. If it came to that Pandora could find her way over the walls. At this moment she didn't even try to think about what she would do on the other side.
Being here feels strange, it makes her want to crawl out of her own skin. This used to feel like another home, anywhere she was with Daryl that used to feel like home. It's not the same anymore. He used to be home before he left her. Home doesn't leave, home doesn't put you in danger.
"Pandora?"
She had gotten further than she meant to. Here the sky casts long shadows from the buildings all around her. A head of her is where she hears the sound, and a figure is stepping out of an object she cannot quite make out.
"Pandora?" A figure calls her name again and losing the last few feet of darkness Jesus steps into a beam of sunlight. Behind him there is a small sound of a slam. It takes her brain a few seconds to catch up with what she is looking at. Jesus had come through the box, somehow.
"What are you doing out here?" Jesus looks the same as she remembers. Maybe his beard is a little bit longer, and the lines on his face are a little deeper than she remembers. Like always Jesus is smiling his hands palm up in front of him, he steps a bit closer to her keeping a few feet between them.
Pandora wants to answer him, but she can't. Because the moment she opens her mouth, the words she thinks are going to come out die on her tongue. This used to be a common occurrence her inability to communicate, it hadn't happened since she had been with Negan. Part of her wants to tell him she is here looking for a way out, an escape. But she knows Jesus, knows he is loyal and will not hesitate to march her back to Daryl. So instead she stands there unable to say anything, tears pricking her eyes.
"Why don't we go see where Daryl is." Jesus has almost completely closed the distance between them. He has one hand stretched out touch almost ghosting her elbow like he wants to reach for her.
That's allowed her to find herself again stepping back, "No, I just need some air."
Jesus smiles at her tilting his head down just a little, "I happen to know where to find the best air."
He takes her by the arm then, a firm gentle lead on her elbow. As they walk, he tells her about the things she had missed, chatting like she is not a completely different person . Jesus tells her about the new people they found, they have a community of women they call themselves Oceanside.
"They have been hiding, too scared to join our fight right now. They will come around though I know it."
The walk to the lookout it filled with Jesus' voice filling her in on the time she had been away. When they reach the top, the view takes her breath away, if she stays she will still never grow tired of this view.
"Pandora I will give you some time alone alright , I'll let Daryl know where you are."
Pandora doesn't turn, she doesn't need to in the glass she watches Jesus shut the door behind him. It's warm here, reminds her of the greenhouse on the roof of the Sanctuary, her favourite place to go. Here she can see more though, the road stretched out for miles in front of her. It's clear no sign on Negan coming down the road ready to burn all of this to the ground.
For the first time since Pandora had gotten up her side began to pound . Or maybe it had been hurting all day, and she was too deep in her own head to feel it. Here things are hard, she forgets how to be a full person. Jesus had talked to her like she was a whole person maybe even the same person she had been before. That girl was long gone, the one who had come here so long ago. Her hand rests where the bullet hole was, how many times had she been hurt ? Forever a healing wound somewhere.
"Pandora?"
In the glass she watches the door open and Daryl steps inside. Then so many things happen at once, a car comes down the road speeding, it shocks her somehow she loses her footing. In an attempt to keep herself standing a hand pressed to the glass only to leave blood smeared fingerprints. Although it felt like these events took a long time, it must have been quick because Daryl is there catching her.
"There you go Ah got ya."
That used to calm her, now tears collect in the edges of her vision.
Daryl is helping her stand now turned towards the door, " Comon on yah gotta rest."
"I'm bleeding again." Pandora mutters to him or herself she isn't really sure. Daryl takes the fingers she is holding up and continues to lead her down the stairs.
Daryl waits until Pandora is sleeping before he leaves her. He doesn't loc k the door, but he thinks about it, but then pictures the panic of her waking up alone with the door locked. Instead he leaves it open just a crack. Let her learn to trust them again.
In the kitchen of the big house Daryl finds Jesus, he is relieved Jesus had been with him after he left the Sanctuary he had some idea of what Pandora might be dealing with.
"She's sleeping?" Jesus is at the stove stirring something, soup Daryl is sure. Their supplies are getting limited, soup feeds a lot of people with not a lot needed.
"Ya, Young Doctor thinks she has some shit called Stockholm syndrome."
Jesus places a bowl in front of Daryl spoon already inside, they sit at the island together.
"I've heard of it, it's something that happened with people who have been kidnapped right?"
"Ah guess that's what the kid said, she had some kinda relationship with Negan or some shit." Saying that out loud is harder than he thinks, it makes it more real to speak it here. The guilt wants to choke him, a firm hand wrapped around his throat now. He had left her, Pandora had wasted no time in reminding him that. He can't help but wonder if it would have been so bad if he hadn't left her there, would she have been different? Had a different experience ?
"When I found you something there wasn't right with you either, Daryl." He doesn't say it to judge him, but to make it known. There isn't a lie in his words, Daryl had refused to speak for days spent the night outside refusing to come in.
"She keeps asking me to take her back. Back to Negan."
Jesus nods thoughtfully, his chin resting on his closed fist, "It might be like that for a while, we really have no idea what happened to her in there."
Daryl knows, knows about the small dark room where there is nothing but your own demons. He had been in the dark too, just like Pandora. Pandora had been lost in that darkness, is still lost even now.
"I left her Jesus." Daryl reminds himself of that moment to moment.
"You didn't have a choice. If you didn't leave when you did you would have been caught what good would you be then?"
It was almost the same thing Jesus had said to Daryl that day when he had found him beating fat Joe to death. It hasn't helped then, and it hasn't helped now. Daryl shakes his head slowly and he knew he was right. Had Daryl been dragged back there he would have been no use to her. Not that he felt like he was much of a use now.
In her dreams she hears him whisper to her, at first she is sure it's Negan. She tried to reach out to call out to him, but nothing happens. Instead she opens her eyes to Daryl's face hovering over her.
"Come on Pandora, yah gotta go." Daryl tightened his grip on her shoulders for a second, the rest of the room filling into view.
For a second she thinks maybe he has come to his senses and is sending her back to Negan. Maybe he is being forced to send her back, either way it doesn't matter. Then she hears it the cause of his urgency, the sound of the house rises up to meet her. There are shouts of orders, the shuffle of moving bodies.
The time must have come, someone has spotted Negan. He must be on his way to burn this place down and kill everyone inside. In the fog of being awake so suddenly Pandora just follows him. Allowing herself to be led out of the room and down into the basement.
The house is old, the basement is nothing more than a dug out stone room. The windows are small and old, the dying light barely filtering through. This is where the ones who cannot fight are sent to wait. Women with the few children they have here, the old who cannot fight.
Daryl finds her a space off by herself, allowing her some space between her and the others. Rubbing her eyes Pandora lowered herself to the ground knees to her chest. They don't know the force Negan has, he will come here and he will win. Pandora will be gone soon .
"Pandora Ah will come back for you." Daryl leans down towards her, a finger brushing a stray strand of hair from her face.
He tries to kiss her, but Pandora doesn't allow it and doesn't think her heart can even take it. The look on her face makes her chest feel tight, but still she keeps her face turned away. Daryl leaves then shaking his head as he makes his way up the stairs, back to prepare for battle.
No one down there speaks to her , maybe she had been gone for so long they don't remember her. Or they do remember her and remember that they once had to keep their distance. The older women keep the children quiet and calm in the growing darkness. Hours seem to pass and Pandora drifts in and out of a shallow sleep, it suits her and no one down here needs to see her dream.
When she wakes for the last time it is because the house above her has exploded into chaos. She can hear screaming, gun shots, glass shattering. The darkness of the night had made it into the small basement. There were lights strung up at the end of the toom. Most of the people have moved closer to there, she hasn't moved. Pandora sits in the same spot Darl had left her, back to the rough stone wall closer to the stairs.
Another chance like this one won't come again, Pandora sucks in a deep breath and stands. The path from her spot to the door is covered in shadow. She slips up the stairs easily . Negan is here, and she will find him. In the main part of the house there is no one at the front door , it would be too brave to go through there. Pandora is wild and stupid, that's the way she takes. She only opens them a crack just wide enough for her to slip out and back into the cover of the darkness.
Pandora tries to picture where she saw the box Jesus came from. Near the grave, hugging the shadow of the wall she searches in the near darkness. Around her she can hear screaming, the sound of gun fire. Somewhere to her right she hears Simon's voice, white he isn't her favorite person he is Negan's man. When gun fire explodes again, Pandora changes her mind and goes running for the box a few feet ahead of her.
The lid opens, and she goes tumbling down into darkness, on the other side she pulls herself up stitches pulling painfully at her side.
"What the fuck!?"
With tears in her eyes Pandora searches for the voice she knows it. In front of where she is crouched on the ground they call her name.
"Pandora?"
Through tears she realizes she is looking at Arat, her chest is ten pounds lighter at the sight of her.
"Arat, help me I…" The rest of what she is going to say dies away and Arat reaches for her. A hand on her elbows pulls Pandora from the ground.
"What the fuck are you doing out here? Looking for the big guy?"
Pandora can only nod at the other woman as they speed walk back to the cars. She struggles to stay on her feet as they walk, her side burns painfully .
"Hunter!" Arat is shouting now one hand waving. "Take her back a truck and keep her there."
The new man she had never met pulls her along , they don't walk far until she is being loaded into the passenger side of a pick up truck. The new man Hunter shuts the door leaving her alone inside. Pandora is crying, wet tracks streaking her cheeks. It 's going to be fine now, they will take her back to Negan and he will know she didn't do this on purpose. Part of her wonders how this could have been different, but that is a dangerous road to go down better just to sit and wait.
More gunshots ring out around her and a stream of bodies cuts through the smoke around the gate. Pandora is alert again sitting up, eyes glued to the movement outside. Simon and Dwight break off from the pack , she can see them running towards her. Hunter hands his hands up then shouting and gesturing to the car. There is too much noise to hear anything but she can see both the men stop than go in different directions. Dwight comes towards her and Pandora can taste the bile in the back of the throat .
"Oh please no." She whispers it to herself, eyes glued to his form. He keeps coming despite her desperate pleas in the darkness for him to stay away.
Dwight yanks the drivers seat door open but he doesn't get inside, for a few long seconds they just stare at each other. She knows his secret, past the pain, the drugs, and the confusion she remembers, remembers seeing him in those woods trying to help them stay hidden.
Pandora sits up straighter, "Take me back." She tells him, wiping her face on the back of her hands.
"We don't even know if he is alive!" He is still standing at the door, his fingers a white knuckled grip on the edge of the door.
"Take. Me. Back. Now." That is the only answer he gets, and her tones leave little room for him to say anything else.
More gun fire than causing glass to rain down on her head. Dwight flies into action, and flies into the front seat turning the keys to start the engine.
"Get your fucking head down!" Dwight doesn't even give her a second to do it herself before he is shoving her head down himself, her forehead slamming against the dashboard.
In her vision stars explode for a second sending her reeling. Under her the car lurches speeding down the street. Stars dance in her eyes, but she doesn't pass out. A small mercy if she had ever seen one.
"What the fuck are you doing out here?" Dwight snarls from somewhere above her.
Pandora doesn't raise her head not yet, fearing that what she is does that will be what tips her over into darkness once and for all. So instead she keeps her head down, pressed between her knees. "I'm going back where I belong."
"You belonged there! With your own fucking people." Dwight is shouting now and Pandora can only tip her head to the side watching him. His eyes never leave the road his fingers grip tightly to the steering wheel.
Pandora shut her eyes again feeling the contents of her stomach come up in her throat. "I don't." Is all she can manage before her eyes need to close again.
They drive the rest of the way in silence. At some point Pandora lifts her head to watch the world pass her outside. By the time they reach the gates of the Sanctuary the sun has come up, and she is sure it's mid afternoon.
Dwight doesn't stop their care near the cluster of the others, he moves off to the side. "Do not get out of this car until I come back for you."
Pandora only nods her hands in tight fists at her sides. Dwight leaves the car slamming the door behind him and walks away from her. When Dwight has disappeared into the swell of bodies, she keeps watching them. Minutes tick by and when he comes back the man from last night Hunter is with him, and beside him Arat.
Pandora opens the door herself stepping outside to meet them.
Dwight shakes his head running his hands over his eyes. "Take her back to her room and get two more guys from my team and stand outside."
Arat speaks then, "I got her D, don't worry."
Something silent passes between them when they look at each other and Pandora isn't sure what to make of it. Her brain isn't firing on all fronts, but there is something at play here right where she cannot touch it.
The moment the door to her room shuts Pandora is stripping on her way to the bathroom. Everything she had been wearing gets shoved in the plastic bag lining her trash can. In the shower she sobs and scrubs until her skin is raw, until the feeling of Daryl is gone . It's not enough though, so she leaves once she has stopped crying.
In her room she half dresses a long pink t-shirt and a pair of black shorts before she slips under the covers. In her bedside drawer the bottles of her many pills still sit, she takes two small blue ones and drifts off in no time.
Notes:
I bet you hate me? You do don't you? I mean I love this though. Just let me take you on this journey ok?!