A week alone in this god forsake room had given her time to move through all the stages of grief. When Arat first told her Pandora had felt nothing but a wide gaping void in her chest and deep buzzing shame. Once Arat had left Pandora had convinced herself the other woman was lying. Negan could not have lost. That had to be wrong. It took another entire day, a visit from Arat and Frankie, before the anger set in. That came blazing hot, it moved her to scream into pillows and workout until she passed out.
It took some time to move, to accept. Seeing Daryl made her so conflicted, her head would spin. Before Negan was here, so she had to stay here. Now, Negan was gone and she could. The end of the thought goes unfinished because it had been so long since she thought of what she could do without Negan. Everything she had become was about Negan.
By the seventh day, Daryl had visited her every day for hours. It wasn't him that made her open the door. Still, Pandora opens the door after over a week of isolation.
They have tried different people too. Frankie, Arat, Tara, and Rosita, she almost opened the door for the last two. Finally, on the morning of the tenth day it wasn't Daryl's voice behind the door, it was Rick's.
"Pandora, I wanted to talk to you."
The sound of his voice has her moving towards the door, her hand rests on the lock but she doesn't move to open it. Rick sounds like he is leaning on the door, his voice so close to her. Its nails on a chalkboard, the sound of his pain making her skin crawl.
"Shit Pandora, when this whole thing started it was just a trade. Kill some guys, get food."
Pandora undoes the first lock on the door with practiced careful movements. A simple chain slipped into the bolt.
"Then they killed Denise, they killed Glen and Abraham. They took you and Daryl. It changed"
That's right, she thinks as she undoes the second lock. They had taken her the morning after Negan had killed her friends. In sheer terror, she had watched the kindest man she had ever known, and her fiercest protector beaten to death while their loved ones screamed. She was hurt and bleeding, and they shoved her into that truck.
"I wanted it to be over. I didn't care who died, then I lost Carl. It changed everything again and…" There is a long silence that makes Pandora stop, her hand frozen on the door handle. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for not protecting you better."
Pandora is sobbing by the time she can get the door open, Rick's and standing there in front of her door is Daryl.
"Oh."
She had gone to the sofa after that, and they were still here now. Pandora finds the good whiskey and pours them two glasses, three fingers high. Some things will take longer to change, she is sure of it.
They talk about the past, Pandora isn't sure she even remembers that far back, these things happened to an unfamiliar person, they happened to Pandora, and she is the Princess. Negan's perfect little pet, his girl. Only he isn't here anymore, so she is just Pandora. Not quite the same Pandora that Daryl remembers, not the one she remembers either.
Despite the confusion in her head, Pandora listens to him, and since she has reached the beginning of the acceptance stage, she lets him hold her hand.
Daryl tells her his story, right from the moment he left the Sanctuary. Jesus has helped him that day, he tells her. Jesus had said they needed to leave now, Daryl was so fucked up in the head he listened. He tells her about all the fights with Rick, with Dwight. Trying to kill Dwight, then fighting to save him so he could help get her back.
Daryl tells her Maggie almost shoots him in the leg to stop him from going after her, and he thought for a second he might run with a bullet hole.
"Pandora I tried everything. I tried to end it real quick by driving that truck through the gates and forcing him to surrender." The pain in his voice makes her raw.
She cannot bear to look at him through the tears in her own eyes. Daryl believes this. He thought he was trying to free her. It is hard to understand that from the things she saw on the other side of the wall.
Pandora takes a long sip of her whiskey, closes her eyes while it burns, and tries to think. "I watched us get free, Eugena had an idea, and I stood out there next to Negan. He protected me."
She is silent again, not finding the energy to speak, not wanting to find it. Daryl is still fluent in the language that is her brain, and he keeps talking until he gets right to the battle. This is hard, too hard. Fuck this, let her go back to days ago when she didn't have to think for herself. Negan did all the hard things. She stayed here. Now there was no more Negan, it was over and Rick had won. Pandora was, well, she was free. That was the word Daryl used. This didn't feel like freedom, it felt like terror.
"He's handcuffed to a bed in the medical building at Hilltop, under guard all the damn time."
Daryl has caught them up to the present day, filling in the parts of the story she had missed while she was locked away. They sit in the thick silence for a few more minutes, Pandora fills her glasses three fingers high again and drinks. Daryl only watches her, his drink sitting untouched on the table beside the sofa.
"I don't even remember going into the little black room," Pandora whispers into her glass.
She starts here because this is where she first lost herself to him. Where Negan chipped away the first few pieces and sanded down the rest. Pandora sits stiff-backed, her legs are tucked under her hands gripping the glass. Her stomach is all twisted, and she wants to touch Daryl to make sure she is not dreaming. Nothing happens though, expect for her tightening her hold on her glass.
"I thought I would die in there, and that was fine, you know. Then there was light and Negan was saving me. He kept saving me and then," She waves her hand around her, letting the end of the sentence die.
What words were there to explain her better than the place they are in now, in Negan's room. Where she hadn't left for days, not since Arat came and told her it was over.
At first, she had refused to open the door, each time someone knocked she would lock herself in the bathroom until they had left. Negan's room always had locks. It was something she had been grateful for in the first few days.
"Whatever you did, it was to stay alive,"
Pandora can feel the tears spilling onto her cheeks and with them, the flood of memory of Daryl huddled in the back of the dark van telling her to stay alive. She was alive right. Is that what she is, alive? Sometimes she wasn't sure. Maybe this had been death. Sometimes when she blacked out she hoped to wake up and Negan was back, but she was alone.
"I was alone."
The sentence isn't even out before Daryl is crossing the sofa to her. He is so god damn warm, just like she remembers. Pandora goes stiff just for a second, then she snaps like a string pulled too tight and she melts into him. Does he still feel like home, she isn't sure yet.
"Ah gonna make it up to you every second Ahm breathing." Daryl wraps his arms around her, and she lets him. Sinking deeper into the circle of his hug. No matter what her head says, this feels right. More right than she had ever felt in Negan's arms.
"I might be dreaming," Pandora whispers the words into his chest. Maybe her dreams have grown crueller in her time here. Now instead of dreaming of being in danger, she dreams of being safe. How cruel that would be.
"Yah ain't dreaming your safe with me,"
The sound she lets out is a horrible choked sob, but she holds him tighter. This isn't even like anything she had ever wished for, because she never thought this day would happen. Her rescue was something she never thought would happen while Negan was alive.
Daryl holds her for a little longer, telling her all the things he is proud of her for. He is proud she is so strong, that she stayed safe, stayed alive. Pandora cries into his chest and tries to remember what it was like before she was a Princess.
Daryl spends the night in Negan's old room with her, she takes the bed; he takes to the sofa. She doesn't sleep right away, can't seem to bring herself to close her eyes just yet.
Instead, she drinks more, until the room sways then she puts her head down. For a while, she thinks maybe Rick doesn't understand what Negan wanted to do. Maybe if she showed him Negan's notebook, he would understand. Then she remembered the things Daryl had told her, the parts of the story Negan didn't want her to know or remember.
Daryl doesn't sleep that night at all, not willing to let himself close his eyes. Worried that if he does somehow when he opens them she will be gone, like that night at Hilltop. This still feels unreal. To have her here in the same room as he is. There was no threat of violence over them now, no incoming war to change his plans. There is nothing but the two of them learning how to be together again.
As impossible as it might seem, he loves her more now. Loves watching her each moment the way she moves, talks, holds herself. He cannot take his eyes off her when she is near, so he sees it when she looks for Negan. It doesn't bother him, he just reminds her he is here now instead. Coming out of that box has been hard for him, and Pandora, well she wasn't like him.
When he steps in the separate bedroom to check on her, he stops frozen in the doorway. Pandora's asleep curled in a ball on the bare mattress. The sheets, pillows, and blankets are in a pile wedged into the corner of the room. Daryl goes into the living room for a second and comes back with a thick blanket, he lays it over Pandora before heading to the couch. Leaving the pile of bedding untouched, let her decide what to do tomorrow.
They create new affirmations together the next morning at the kitchen table, Daryl clasping her hands. He never tells her Negan is the villain, just tells her what is true.
Pandora cannot bring herself to leave this room, not yet. One step at a time. Even Daryl touching her like this feels like too much sometimes, but then she remembers Negan is never coming back and she finds her way back in Daryl's arms.
Daryl tells her the story of the battle again, this time he tells her the smallest of details. When she sits in the kitchen staring at him, Daryl tells the story again, and again until she knows every word by heart.
"Negan is in prison, I'm safe, Daryl is safe, I can go home" Pandora whispers the words to herself in the bathroom mirror. Daryl was out there cleaning up their small breakfast. They were dividing the food so everyone was eating the same. Before, she had only the best. She didn't mind though, another reminder Negan was gone.
Stepping into the shower, she pulls all the bandaged off and scrubs the glue from her skin. The wound from the bullet is healing, pink skin stretching to cover the wound. Best let it get some air, she thinks to herself. The bruises around her throat are only getting darker, they will get worse before they get better.
Dried and dressed, Pandora stands in front of the mirror, using the hair products she had brought with her. A reminder of Negan. Turning the bottle over in her hand, she shoves everything in the little bag it came in and zips it up.
Opening the bathroom door, she shoves the bag towards Daryl. "Can you make sure someone who needs this gets it."
Pandora can see Daryl's jaw working, but he remains silent. Then he opens his mouth, "Sure Pan." Without breaking eye contact, he takes the bag from her. "Ahm gonna put in the hall for now ok?"
Pandora only nods and goes back to the sofa, hearing the door open and shut. In one day her routine is gone and the need for it makes her skin crawl. Daryl has only just shut the door again when she is barreling towards him.
"I'll be back." She isn't even wearing shoes, but it doesn't matter who needs shoes to work out, anyway. Her hand on the door handle opens with a quick jerk of her wrist.
"Pandora, where are you going?" Daryl almost has her, but she is still quick.
Pandora does not have the brainpower to think of an answer, but it doesn't matter. When the door swings open Arat is standing there, hair pulled back under her bandana. Some things are consistent and Pandora will be forever grateful.
"Hey Princess, come to see if you want to throw a few punches with me."
A grin splits her face, and she is ready to step outside when Arat points at her feet. Almost running Pandora finds the running shoes she had left in the room and is pulling them on. At the door and she can hear whisper snippets of conversation. Balancing her weight on her toes, she creeps as close to the door as she can get without being seen.
"Ah don't care Yah can't just show up here and take her whenever. Ah, look out for her now."
"I don't have to answer to you, I'm here to watch out for her like I promised."
Daryl makes a strangled noise, "Promised to Negan."
Arat laughs in his face. "I promised her. Daryl, you weren't here, you didn't see her and Negan. I did, and I didn't do shit, I'm trying something different."
"Ah can't let her outta my sight."
Tears prickle behind Pandora's eyes; from where she hides in the other room. She doesn't even know what she is crying about here. Maybe it's how fast things have changed, knowing that it's for the better and still struggling.
Arat was right about her, and Negan had been wrong. He hurt her and twisted her head so she didn't know what was up from down. Sometimes she still doesn't know.
"So come then. You can watch her '' Arat whispers harshly, as if it was the last thing she wanted. Arat shouts after some moments pass in silence. "Princess move your ass."
"Coming!" Pandora changes her shirt in a rush, making it look like that's what she had been doing with her time. There is a hairband on her wrist and Pandora ties her heavy hair into a bun as she walks towards them.
Daryl and Arat stand at the front door. They try to look normal, but she can read the stiffness in their bodies. She always watched Negan, so she got good at it. He licked his lips, and he was mad. If he held his body in a straight line, he was tense. Daryl and Arat looked tense now. Bodies drawn up into tight lines, arms crossed over their chests.
"Ah thought Ah could watch?"
This isn't a question in the genuine sense of the words, if she says no there will be a reason she can't go. So she nods as she heads out into the hall.
The gym is empty when they get there, which makes sense who else besides her crazy ass works out right now. Arat wastes no time going for her, Pandora welcomes the sheer focus of hand to hand. Arat is faster than she remembers as she stumbles backwards just out of her reach but almost loses her footing.
"If you fell with Simon, it would have been over." Arat doesn't waste any time trying to take her down again.
That gets her blood pumping, the memory of that vile man with her hand on her. Pandora squats down just a bit to catch her breath. Arat takes the opening, but Pandora is quick this time, jumping down into a split and kicking Arat's legs from under her.
There in the front of the room she can feel Daryl, he doesn't move to take any of the equipment. Instead, he stares at them. She can feel it even with her back turned.
In the moment she had spent thinking about him, Arat was on her feet and aiming for her face. It's an easy blow to dodge, or it should have been if her concentration hadn't been broken.
"Hey watch it!"
Daryl's voice from the front of the room draws her in, and she turns her face right in Arat's fist. The hit makes stars dance in her eyes, it throws her off balance and has her on the floor. She can't be sure how long passes with her just laying there curled into a ball, but then Daryl's face is in her vision.
"Oh right." As if she had forgotten she stares at him, concerned swimming in his blue gaze. "Your hair got long huh?" Pandora holds a strand between her fingers twirling in. She's dizzy vision still spinning just slightly, but it makes her giggle.
"Can you sit up?" Daryl is wrapping his arms around her, pulling her up into a seat. He lets her lean against him though, keeping an arm around her.
"Good time to wrap it up." Arat is standing near the door already, and Pandora wonders how long she had been on the floor for. "See you around Princess." Arat stops herself, running her hand over her face. "Fuck I'm sorry I mean Pandora."
Pandora only shrugs her shoulders. She tries to act like the nickname Princess doesn't bother her, in truth it makes her skin crawl. Reminders her of all the ways Negan had control, Pandora the sheltered Princess.
Siddiq was a doctor in the emergency room. He knew a little about a lot. He gives her a notebook and tells her to write everything out. At the end of each day her and Daryl read it together, Daryl corrects the things that were not right. He helped her get her facts straight. Sometimes she writes that she will go back in the box when he comes back, and Daryl tells her the story of the battle again.
On the fourth day of thinking about the box, she and Daryl go down to the room, armed with power tools. At the end of the hallway Pandora stops frozen, Daryl gets a few paces ahead of her before he realizes she isn't behind him.
For a second she does not think she can do this. The last time she was in this hallway, everything changed. She remembers losing her mind in the darkness, dreaming of everyone she loves dying.
"Pan?" Daryl has his hand on his arm at a steady pressure. "Ah can do it, you can watch it from here."
"No." She whispers tears collect in her eyes but she looks up at him. "I have to do this."
Daryl only nods and offers his free hand out to her, shifting the sledgehammer in her hand as Pandora takes it. They walk together. The fourth door on the left is closed, Pandora stands there for a few long seconds.
Reaching forward, she swings the door open and steps back, as if the shadows will reach out and get her. There is air displaced by the opening door; it tickles her face, and she realizes she is crying.
"Stand back for a second Pandora." Daryl has a high-powered drill in his hands. He moves quickly, taking off the hinges and leaning the door on the wall.
Pandora watches silently as she cries. It is just a room. A normal little black room where she lost her mind. There was no one here to put her back in the darkness, and no one will ever go back to this room again. With her sledgehammer, Pandora wastes no time taking the walls down. What will happen to this room after she doesn't care about it. All she cares about is that it looks nothing like it did when she was inside. She swings until her arms ache until she is covered in drywall dust.
"Pandora, come on now." Daryl stops her when the palms of her hand have been rubbed raw and the walls are a patchwork of holes. He is careful to step over the chunks of drywall and exposed wires.
Pandora lets the hammer fall from her hands as she falls to her knees. "It's just a room." She whispers as she cries. As if her body has a mind of its own, her arms open and Daryl is holding her in seconds. "I don't know if I can do this." her voice is swallowed into Daryl's chest, his heart thumping in her ear.
"Ah promise it will be ok." Daryl holds her tighter when he speaks, as if he sees the two sides of her mind.
That night they sit in the greenhouse-like she used to do with Negan. Pandora speaks her thoughts out loud for Daryl to hear them. Knowledge is power, or so Siddiq has said. The more Pandora knows, the more she can combat her twisted view of the world.
"He used to be a high school teacher. He taught his students about my story, my journey to the Olympics. He said when he saw me he wanted to know me, then he wanted to protect me. He said he was protecting everyone by making hard choices and doing the bad things. I never had to do anything. He took care of me."
"He protected you, Pandora. Ah know that, and Ahm grateful." They are sitting on the only sofa left, the one Negan made sure stayed here for her. Daryl tries to wrap his arm around her but she slides away just enough to give him the hint, he doesn't try again.
There is a woman here named Lisa; she used to be a social worker; she knows a little Daryl and Pandora talk to her. It helps too. He understands how to help her; she understands what is happening to her.
"You are?" She asks, crying again. Daryl closes the distance again, and this time she doesn't stop him. Her head is feeling far away again. She remembers the last time she could see him. When she was in the room with Negan's pretty wives, Carl had been there too. It's like she is swimming now, trying for the surface but only sinking deeper into the blackness.
Daryl holds her tighter, and it helps to pull her up and out of her head. "Of course Ah am, Pandora, you are the most important thing to me and he protected you when I couldn't."
"But it was wrong, right?" Pandora sobs arms are wrapped around her middle, a vain attempt at holding herself together.
"Do you think it was?"
They had done this dance before. He never told her Negan was a villain. He let her come to that place herself; it helped. At first, she had raged against the idea he had been a villain. How could they even say that? It was Rick who brought the walkers. It was Rick who shot at her; it was Daryl that drove the truck inside. Negan had been trying to protect everyone. Daryl helped her fill in the story.
"I know it was."