It had been a long day, Pandora should be sleeping. Instead, she is counting the insignificant dots on the ceiling above her head. To be fair, she had started with sheep, but somehow her head couldn't make them the right shape or picture them making the right sound.
How long had it been since she had even seen a sheep, what a strange thing for her mind to forget? Yet for the life of her, she could not remember the fucking sound a sheep would make.
So she had settled on the dots, and at 200 Pandora decided maybe sleep would never come. This must be what it is like to fall asleep sober. Most nights before this she had been too drained by the events of the day to think about drinking herself to sleep. Today had been a slow day; not too many things happened to tire her out, thus counting dots on the ceiling.
In the next room a few sounds float towards her, letting her know maybe she was not the only person sleep was avoiding. A light rustling of fabric, metal springs groaning inside cushions. Closing her eyes she tried to picture what Daryl might look like, his form curled on the small sofa in the other room.
There are walls between them, that is not how it used to be. Pandora used to be never far from his side, waking or sleeping and now. Now there is a wall between them and it makes her cry. It's more than the physical walls it had taken days for her to feel comfortable with him again. To be around him without the panic of Negan killing him.
Alone was something she was never good at being. Being alone meant her own thoughts wherein the only things she could listen to. The company kept her monsters at bay, sometimes the company didn't even matter. Just another body to make sure she was not alone. Before it had been Negan, making sure she was taken care of, now it's Daryl again and they are learning their relationship all over again.
She didn't want to be alone now, so instead Pandora listens hard. Tries to pinpoint if Daryl is in fact moving when she is sure that he is she speaks.
"Daryl?" She whispers his name, not too low, just loud enough to reach the other side of that fucking wall.
In seconds he is standing at the door watching her, "Ya all right?"
His voice is crisp, with no sound of sleep to be heard either. Pandora guesses she was right, he was awake just like she was. They might have been staring at the same ceiling, counting the same useless dots.
"Can you come here?" Pandora shifts in the bed, making more room for him to the right of her.
Never in her wildest dreams did she think this is where she would find herself. Inviting Daryl into Negan's bed. Daryl might think the same because for a few long seconds of silence he doesn't move. No, this wasn't Negan's bed anymore, this was her bed if she wanted it to be. "Please?"
They had been taking it slow, sleeping in different rooms for quite some time. Every day, it was hard and harder for her to be this far from him. As she painfully put her life back together, they had left their relationship in a few pieces.
"I can't sleep," Pandora whispers once he has sat down on the bed next to her. The mattress dipped slightly under his weight and she cannot help but feel it the most normal she had felt in a long time.
In the back of her head, she can hear Negan's voice, telling her she was not being good. The nails in her palm calm the quiet panic rolling inside her.
She thinks about all the time before this, before Negan, before the Sanctuary, when they were just them together. God, she had been so happy. It had been hard to remember that she had in fact been happy. In the early days of Negan's fall, her old memories were still hard to hold on to. Slipping through her fingers like sand.
Now it's easier to remember.
"I used to have to drink to go to sleep. I don't want to do that anymore."
Instead, she wants Daryl, the one thing that always seemed to keep the darkness away. Too much time seems to pass with him staring at her unmoving on the side of the bed.
"It's fine, please." In the darkness, she can see the whites of his eyes as he blinks.
"Ight, if yah sure." The mattress dips lightly as he shifts down beside her, now laying rather than sitting. There is no lifting of blankets, he lays stiff beside her.
She turns herself so slightly that maybe he won't notice, but as he does, Daryl is always watching. He treats her like a wild animal sometimes, as if a slight movement could trigger a violent outburst.
"Pandora?" He says her name like it's a question and waits in the silence. How do you answer the question of your name?
Instead, she moved closer.
"I missed you so fucking much." Pandora is crying again, wrapping her arms around her middle and pressing herself in tighter. She tried to remember all the times before this, them together in a bed. Those days are hard to recall. Her time here is at the front of her head.
"Ah missed you too. Everything is going to be ok now, Ah promise."
Pandora laughs through her tears, her intake of breath sounding like a hiccup. "How can you say that?"
"Because Negan's gone. He will stay gone and Ah will stay here." Daryl is holding her now, crushing her against his chest. He breathes into her hair and his heartbeat sounds in her head. "Ah swear to god Pandora, everything is different now."
She wants to say something, but her chest aches too much for her to open her mouth. Instead, she presses her head against his chest, listening to his heart again. Daryl draws small circles on the small of her back, Pandora shivers but doesn't ask him to stop.
"Tell me again how you ended it."
He does, Daryl always does as she asks. While Daryl is explaining what Rick is trying to do here Pandora falls asleep.
The next day she works out without Arat, but Daryl comes to watch her. Her head isn't such a mess today, at least not at the moment. Pandora lifts weights, pushes up and crunches until Daryl makes a noise by the door.
Pandora stops and turns to him, "The day before the last battle I came here. I worked out until I vomited and passed out."
Daryl steps up towards her, one hand on her elbow, "Then maybe it's time to stop today, huh?"
Pandora does as he asks because she can find better ways to cope now. They go back to their room; she has stopped calling in Negan's room, it's been two weeks. In her head, she calls it their room, hers and Daryl. Not out loud, not yet.
The afternoon finds them both in the greenhouse on the roof. They have brought more supplies from the other communities, and the keepers of the greenhouse are already putting it to excellent use.
Everything around her seems more alive now, the people and even the place itself. The windows have all been replaced with clear glass, sunlight streams in everywhere washing the cold stone in warm bright light. The people are more alive too, chatting and laughing fills the hallways. It had never sounded like that before. Everyone is more alive, people who pass her nod their heads slightly in acknowledgement. Some of the men who used to follow her around stop her in the hallways, ask her if she needs anything, tell her she only needs to ask.
Today Pandora is helping the people in the greenhouse separating small seedlings from each other and replanting them. When they had come here Daryl had left her with the plants joining Rick and Michonne who were meeting there as well. She was surprised to see Hunter there giving directions and answering questions.
When Daryl steps away to speak to some higher-ups Pandora finds herself next to Hunter. There were a few people up there she had spoken to a few times. Rick who saw her more than once and Michonne who had joined him.
It had been hard to see Rick, harder than Daryl in a different way. Rick was the one who had given orders that could have killed her. They had talked about this, Pandora explaining through breathless tears how Negan had saved her again and again. How he told her that Rick didn't care if she lived or died anymore she was just a saviour to them. Rick sat through it all the pain on her face coming in waves, there was nothing he could say to explain what he had done. Instead, he promised to do better, to keep her safe and everyone here was no more us and them there was just us.
"Hey there, Pandora." Hunter grins at her, an unfamiliar person than the one she knew as her shadow. Now the young man smiles brightly, showing all his teeth as he looks at her. His face is spotted with dirt, fingers caked in rich dark soil. He looks happy, happier than she ever remembers seeing him.
"Pandora, Pandora." He speaks her name a few times, testing it out in his mouth, handing her another small pot for her plant. "I always hated your nickname. Feels good to say, Pandora."
"Thank you for everything," Pandora whispers, adding more soil to the little pot she had. She was to separate all the tomato plants. Give them enough room and they will grow huge. Or at least that's what Hunter told her when she started.
"Eh watching out for you was the best part of my job. If you ever need anything I'm still here, I'm still Arat's man." Hunter looks at her, his head tilted to the side. It's nice to know she had someone in her corner, someone who isn't Daryl, maybe she needs her things sometimes.
"I'll remember that."
"Your boyfriend is a good fit for a leader of this place." Hunter is passing her another pot, this one larger, full of tiny tomato stocks shooting up from the ground.
Pandora has to turn to him to grab it and then she sees Daryl. He is sitting on the one sofa Arat is there, with Laura, Rick, Michonne and Dwight. They speak all leaned over sheets of paper. She thinks some of them must be from hers and Daryl's room.
She does not correct Hunter's use of the word boyfriend, only because there is nothing better to use. They had been that before all of this before Negan broke her. "Ya, he is."
This place had been left without a leader in a flash, and Daryl has seamlessly slipped into the role. The motive is unclear, she never asked him why he feels responsible for this place. Maybe it is because of her because she chooses to be here right now and he will go wherever she is.
The door on the other side of the greenhouse opens. Pandora lifts her head to watch, still unsure of other people. Her gut twists painfully as she stares at Tara, whose mouth is open just an inch.
Everything stops at that moment and Pandora is back on that strip of train tracks. Denise's body falling an arrow in her eyes rendering her lifeless. Tara sees her and she knows that the flash of emotion over Tara's face has Pandora's blood running cold.
Spinning on her heels Pandora side steps around Hunter avoiding his questions of what was wrong. Instead, she heads for the back door, flings it open and plunges down the stair into darkness. In the distance, there is the sound of rush footsteps and maybe someone calling her name, Pandora is already gone.
She cannot see Tara, she cannot look Tara in the eyes after what happened. How could anyone understand what she had been through, how could anyone but Daryl not judge her? Negan and his men had killed Denise and Pandora became one of them, understanding if more people needed to die.
In the last few weeks, she had been paying attention to the inside of this building. So now she moved with confidence, down one flight of the steps out into the hall, take a right to another hall, first door on the right. There is no one standing at the door, and for once she is so grateful. Pandora slips in the locks on the door behind her then move deeper into the room into the bedroom.
There the panic that had been keeping her going breaks, and she drops to her knees on the floor after shutting the door behind her. How was she supposed to do this, go back to a life she was ready to burn because a man told her it needed to be like this? He had killed her people, at one point he might have killed her. Sobbing, Pandora presses into the bullet hole in her side, the pain shoots up her back and for a second the world is bright again. The brightness only lasts for a moment then she has crumpled again.
Outside she can hear someone knocking on the door, they call her name, begging her to open it. It's Daryl, it takes her a few moments to fully process his voice. Under his voice she heard the tendrils of panic, maybe it's because the first time she locked this door she did not come out for ten days.
She doesn't want that again, no she wants Daryl. With careful steps, she makes her way to the door. Stiff fingers work at the locks she had locked them all, just like before.
Daryl has the door open the second she opens the last lock. The next few moments are a hurried blur of movement. He shuts the door and reaches for her; She goes to his knees giving in as she cries. Daryl is always quick; he supports her while lowering her to the floor in his lap.
"Hush now, Ah got yah, hush." He whispers in her hair, arms wrapped around her frame as she trembles.
Daryl had talked to everyone who had been with her while she was here. The women Arat her guards, even Dwight, so he knew what happened here. Every time he looks at her he is disgusted with himself, it doesn't matter that he couldn't have gotten to her. Seeing her like he's sobbing in his arms makes him wish he would have tried.
"I saw Tara," Pandora whispers to him after a long stretch of silence, face hidden in his chest. "I panicked."
He kicks himself mentally for not keeping a better eye on the door since they had all agreed to take things slow. Pandora had seen only a handful of people, and that had been hard enough. He should have known seeing anyone else would send her spinning.
"It's ok," Daryl shifts just a fraction, leaning back to look at her. "She knows."
But the woman in his arms is sitting up straighter, she pulls away from him and stares, brown eyes sparkling with intensity and determination.
"Can you get her, please?"
"Pandora Ah.." He trailed off, running his hand over his chin. It does not escape him; they are still on the floor in the middle of the room. He also doesn't miss that she is still trembling in his arms. Pandora does not seem to notice at all. "Come sit first." Daryl pulls her up, taking her into the small living room and onto the sofa.
"I have to talk to her." Pandora allows him to lead her there and seat her on the right. There is something about the way she gives into him that makes his skin crawl. He would never take advantage, but Negan had.
Pandora had become more playable since her time with Negan. Daryl found nothing was a fight anymore she mostly did whatever he said or suggested. It bothered him, she had been so damn headstrong before all of this. In the beginning he had asked her what she wanted but her eyes had been blank unable to answer the question. It had gotten better slowly she argued with him more and he had never been so god damn happy for it.
She will not be swayed, not now. Daryl has done this dance with her many times in the before times, he knew. "Fine, but write while I'm gone get it out."
Part of him is overjoyed with it, seeing her stand up to him. Pandora takes the notebook from him smoothing it out her lap. Daryl turns and heads for the door, he doesn't want to leave but she won't take no for an answer.
Outside the door he finds two young men standing to the right of the door, Arat between them, when she shuts the door they all turn to look at him.
"She let you in there? Fuck, good." Arat is shaking her head. "I thought we would have to wait another week to see her."
Daryl is still not sure what to make of this woman and the care she seems to have for Pandora, his Pandora. Or not his maybe their Pandora, Arat cared about what happened to her.
"Yah naw she let me, she wants um she wants to see someone," Daryl mutters he makes a move as if he is going to brush the hair from his eyes but doesn't instead he just looks at them.
"I can have Rob stand out here, he used to do that before." Arat jerks her head to the young man with the darker hair as he nods steps closer to the door.
A lifetime ago Daryl has been this place and held captive by these men. Not these exactly but men just like them. He had been kept here like an animal, chained and in the dark.
Pandora had been in the dark once too, but it had been different. Now she was here kept in this room with her guards giving her anything she wants. It was hard for Daryl to understand.
"Yah ok Ah'll be back then." Daryl heads down the hall, takes a few flights of steps to the roof.
Everyone is still there, Tara is in the spot he left behind. The conversation stops when he comes up to the table.
"Hey Daryl, I'm sorry I wasn't thinking. I know what you said but everyone else was up here. I just forgot." Tara is rambling, rubbing her palms on her jeans, eyes darting frantically.
Daryl shakes his head, "Naw It's ok she um she wants to see you."
He can't understand why Pandora needs it to happen now. The look on her face said he would not sway her. This was not how he wanted to do this, this was not what they had agreed upon.
Even with everything going on Rick, Daryl, and Michonne had talked about how to help her. Once she had finally opened the door, they decided they would ease her way back into the group.
It had taken her so long to come out; they were worried she would relapse again. So far Pandora had only seen the three of them. Rick had come around a few times and talked to her. Michonne had done the same, talking to her a little bit telling her all the same things Daryl had been telling her.
Now she wants to see Tara and he isn't sure how this is going to go.
"Are you sure?" Tara asks getting up from the seat that used to be his.
"She's doing a lot better," Michonne adds, taking her eyes from the papers in front of them. "I just saw her the other day working out."
Tara only nods, "Ok, let's go then."
Pandora has filled two pages of her notebook as she sits. She writes out that Negan is gone, Denise is dead, Tara is back. Other things fill the pages to a quick line of how Negan will kill Tara now too because she helps them lead. That is hidden between the things she knows.
'Negan will kill everyone I love' That is the last sentence she gets out before there is a knock on her door.
"Hey, Pandora, did you change your mind?" Rob sticks his head in the door.
"No," She shakes her head, shutting the notebook in her lap. She is going to have to read this later with Daryl, but that is a problem she can deal with later. "They can come in."
A moment later Daryl comes in Tara is behind him, tight-lipped and silent.
Pandora's brain shuts down when she sees the other women. She had not thought this through and now that the other woman was staring at her Pandora isn't sure what to do.
"Hey, Pandora." Tara takes a chair from the kitchen and sits in front of her. "I'm sorry I scared you."
Daryl comes to sit beside her and a hand on her knees brings her spinning back into the moment. A glance in at him makes a smile tug on her lips. Some things never change, how does he always know just what she needs.
Pandora is still at a loss for words for a long moment until she turns away from Daryl and back to be Tara.
"It's ok," She gets out. "I just wasn't expecting to see you."
Tara smiles a little, "It's good to see you."
Pandora remembers the last day they saw each other. The home Tara had shared with Denise had been so warm, always a welcome place for her. Denise's death was when everything changed, the rug was pulled out under her feet after that.
"Tara, I,"
Pandora isn't sure where to start if she is really honest with herself. The moment the first words come out her voice is sucked back into the black hole of her chest. Does she say she is sorry? And what is she even sorry for? That she didn't kill Dwight?
What would the end of the war even look like if she had killed him? How would all of this be different? That was not something she wanted to let her mind wander too so instead she shakes her head sharply.
A hand on top of her brings her back to the moment like a rope pulling her in. "Pandora I am so glad your home. Or with us, I'm glad you're with us now."
Tara seems as nervous as she is, stammering over her choice of words. She wonders if this is how it's going to be with everyone learning how to live with her again. No one has even mentioned the things she did while she was with Negan. She had sold out her family more times than she could count.
"I'm sorry for everything," Pandora finally whispers but her eyes stay fixed on their hands. She is gripping Tara now worried that if she lets go the other woman is going to vanish right there before her eyes. " I helped him, I told him about Dwight, I told him about the secret way out of Hilltop, I told him who to kill."
Her voice has been speeding up gaining a shrill pitch that showed her growing panic. She didn't get another sentence out because Tara was holding her so tightly to her chest that she couldn't speak if she wanted to. Then panic ebbs away than in the darkness behind her lids she breathes deeply taking in the scent of Tara.
She thought Tara was dead, and now she is here holding her and the tension is leaking from her muscles leaving her a boneless heap.
"It was war Pandora what you did make sure you made it out alive, we always just wanted you alive."
Pandora cries and Tara holds her even tighter.