Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts.

Five

Katniss held up Cinna's sketch of her dress and observed it, aware that he was expecting some kind of reaction. The dress, an intense red one, had one shoulder uncovered and the other finished off with a bit of tulle. It had more shape on the bottom, though it looked like it would tighten to her body overall.

"Do you like the color?"

It was flashy enough to make a dress that would've been dull in any other shade more impressive, even too much for someone like her. Perhaps it woud made her look more confident, elegant, or older.

Katniss nodded and gave Cinna a small smile. The gold outlining his eyes left her mesmerized every time she saw it. She would've never expected to see a man wearing makeup. Before coming to the Capitol, she'd had almost no idea about it, and no reason to do it anyway. At 12 there were few girls who could afford it, though Katniss remembered Madge on her last birthday, trying to impress Gale with it, like the rest of the girls in her class did with one boy or another. Even Prim was still playing with some old blush powder that had been their mother's, which was almost completely broken.

"It needs a couple modifications and tomorrow you'll try it on to check that everything suits you."

As she looked down, Katniss noticed some orange and red streaks sticking out on the skirt of the dress.

"Are those…?"

"Flames, yes. They're not real, don't worry. People will associate you well with that thanks to the parade," Cinna explained calmly. Nothing had happened to her back then, so she trusted him for the interview. "Being remembered is good. They might even give you a nickname."

Katniss let out a small laugh. What reason did they have to remember an insignificant girl from 12? That's what the professionals were for, they were the real draw for the spectators. Still, she allowed herself to think about it for a second.

"A nickname. What would it be?" she asked him.

"I don't know. Something like…the girl on fire."

The girl on fire sounded catchy, dangerous too, more so than she actually was. However, she didn't find it so silly. One time was a coincidence, twice, premeditation. It would help create her character as well as her own attitude would do.

"I have something I want to take to the arena. It's a brooch."

She didn't have it with her, but after a short walk from the dining room to her room, she let Cinna look at it. She was grateful that he didn't ask what it meant to her, or why she wanted to take it to the Arena. He just looked at it for a moment, as if he was admiring its shine, and then nodded.

"No problem."

Of course, he couldn't give her any clues as to how she would dress for the Games or it would've given her a significant advantage. Or maybe he didn't even know at all. It seemed too valuable an information to share with so many people that collaborated designing clothes and dressing the tributes.

"Thank you, Cinna," Katniss said, after taking her seat again. "Showing the dress' trick will help me not have so much to talk about, I suppose."

She thought about what Haymitch had told her the days before. She couldn't seem unapproachable, let alone angry, but receptive, even hopeful. Having to fake a sense of happiness she didn't feel was an added torture.

"Pretend it's me and not Caesar, it'll be over before you know it, you'll see."

Cinna trying to cheer her up made her smile genuinely. His presence reassured her, for at least he wasn't camouflaging the horrors hidden behind excessive appearances and murders promoted as if they were a fictional game.

"See you tomorrow."

Katniss stayed on the couch for a long time. She had slight soreness in her legs and most of the afternoon free until dinner, all time for herself. Even so, the break would hardly last because she had to go over the protocol at night and the next day with Effie as well. There were two days left for the individual test, another one for the interview and then…then the Games. She didn't think about it before her body headed almost by itself to the only place she could flee, as she had fled into the woods many times in 12. If she was stealthy there, it couldn't be very difficult to repeat the path of a few nights ago.

This time she didn't have to hesitate, but she did have to be alert, and, although she was lucky, the result was not as satisfactory. The city was different by day. Though dusk would soon fall, without the night lights it looked like a hideous block of concrete, well designed, rich and impressive, but unnatural nonetheless. The only thing that broke the monotony was a huge fountain with a few jets that didn't stop going up and down, something Katniss could barely make out from above. With what they would waste in barely an hour, the entire Seam could bathe and drink, and it was no exaggeration. The thought of her home made her stomach clench, because if she came back she would do it only by herself, alone, and it would imply having left 23 people, not just bodies, behind her too. Did she have enough strength to bear living with that burden?

Her gaze drifted down as she leaned against the ledge of the terrace. There was something missing, something she hadn't noticed the other night. The wall didn't even reach her waist, there was no glass or any protection around either. She had to take a deep breath, trying not to let the fear building in her throat overwhelm her as she became aware of the distance that separated her from the floor. The thought crept into her mind silently, stealthily: for how long would a person fall from up there? Would one even come to feel it when they crashed? It was an unpleasant solution, brave or cowardly, depending on who you asked.

"You can't do it, if you're considering it."

Hearing another voice behind her was so unexpected that Katniss gave a little jump on the spot, pulling her hands away from the wall. She found it slightly familiar, though not enough to name it, but enough to worry about. Turning around, her suspicions were confirmed. Of course she knew him. Again, she thought to herself with annoyance. It's him again.

"There's a force field," Finnick explained, inching towards her.

"How do you know?"

She had a hard time imagining him thinking about ending it all, if that was what he meant, knowing from experience.

"They've tried several times," he answered simply, as if it were normal. "So… you again."

Katniss stared at him, sensing an accusation.

"Maybe you are the one who's following me. I've got here before you."

The moment she said it, she felt her face heat up. That had sounded like a petulant girl's remark.

"There's plenty of room for both of us, don't you think?" Finnick asked, looking around. "You don't have a monopoly on silence either, Everdeen. How did you come across this, anyway?"

From the tone of his voice, he seemed a bit surprised, actually. Escaping, she didn't say out loud. Like you. But what was Finnick Odair escaping from?

"I was looking for...a real window. A little air."

"I see. That's what you were doing the other night, right?"

Katniss decided not to answer. She silently watched him walk to sit on top of the ledge, a few feet across from her, as if the height weren't intimidating, while she could still taste the fear rising in her throat. He was carrying some kind of bag, from which he took out a square container he opened after settling down. Seeing what he had brought, Katniss couldn't help but shake her head.

"Are you going to eat a damn cake? Don't you have tables on level 4?"

Finnick chuckled, after glancing at her sideways, in a gesture that revealed a pair of dimples that Katniss hadn't even noticed before.

"I'm hungry. Why? Do you want to try it?"

Unlike Cinna, he didn't put on makeup and if he actually did, it didn't look like it. Maybe he thought he didn't need it, he seemed vain enough for that to be the reason. What should have been a thought slipped past Katniss's lips without much remorse:

"Shouldn't you be with your tributes?"

He shrugged.

"Estee is resting. Robin hasn't wanted to see anyone all day. They don't need me right now."

"So, since there's nothing up here...no one will come looking for you. Is that so?"

"That and the microphones," he said, cocking his head and taking the first bite of his snack. "There aren't any."

Katniss looked away for a moment. She imagined they were spying on them, following them everywhere with cameras, but listening to them too? Her mouth went dry.

"Everywhere?"

"In many places."

"Even in elevators?"

"Sometimes. In none you've been in."

She knew what he was thinking about, their coincidental meeting.

"You're sure you don't want to try it?" he insisted, looking at her. Katniss wrinkled her nose a little, silently. "Don't look at me like that, I'm not going to give you anything."

Under any other circumstances she would've found it disgusting to do as much as touch that spoon, although, what did it matter now? Very soon someone would be relentlessly chasing her to kill her. Still, she had tried worse, like Sae's stew. It was better not knowing what it was made of. She came up next to him, still not quite convinced of what she was doing. It would've been wiser to have left as soon as she had seen him.

"What is it?"

The piece was covered in chocolate, with some white layer down the middle and something on top that must have been whipped cream.

"They call it Black Forest."

When he passed the spoon over with a bite, Katniss didn't look at his face. The cake looked good and tasted even better. If she hadn't been so worried about her fate, she would've allowed herself to try every ridiculous dish on offer at the Capitol. Then, she took a couple of steps away, licking her lips, before putting a safe distance between them again.

"The chocolate is… very good," she ended up admitting, before realizing the sweet but bitter aftertaste it left on her tongue. "What's in it?"

He must've realized the look on her face, as he smiled slightly.

"It's because of the cake's layers. They soak them in kirsh."

"What's that?"

"A cherry liqueur. Have you tried it before? Not kirsh, chocolate in general."

She was surprised to hear he wasn't mocking her. There was no trace of a smug smile on his face either. It sounded like a real question.

"Not as a drink," she replied. "I tried it on the train for the first time."

"The food didn't surprise me, but the people…" Finnick suppressed a laugh and finished the last bite, then rubbed his hands together. "On my Victory Tour the best thing was the trees. At 6, 11. I'd never seen a place as wild as 12."

Katniss locked eyes with him for a moment. She didn't understand what she was doing there, why she was talking to him, it didn't make sense and it all wasn't going anywhere and yet… It was interesting to think about how different their lives had been. It was also decisive, being born in one district or another, because it conditioned your whole life and even how you thought. It was true that there were some movements between districts and some workers to relocate from time to time, but they were rare still. Apart from those, the only trips she could think of were the ones the winners were allowed to do.

"I've never seen the sea," she said, which was obvious, turning her gaze to the sky beginning to break out in orange flashes.

She was surprised at herself for saying it, because she was being honest with him and he wasn't even her own mentor. He could use anything she was telling him against her. When she looked at him again, she got the impression that there was some empathy in his gaze.

"Maybe one day you'll do."

She knew it would never happen, but Katniss tried to ease and release the pressure that had built up in her body since she saw him arriving. There was something she could ask him, now she had him in front of her.

"Why do you think allying is a good idea?"

Finnick jumped down from his seat and leaned against the wall, a little more than an arm's length from her, although he looked to the horizon.

"Estee could learn a couple things from you. Some courage," he added in a whisper. "And Robin too, without a doubt, although he has said no to anyone, of course."

Estee didn't need her. She was good with her hands, serious and she didn't let herself be distracted by nonsense. In that respect they were alike. And courage? She wasn't sure about what was more unexpected: the fact that someone thought she had been brave, or simply that she was considered valuable in some way. Her, who only wanted to save Prim and didn't think she had a real chance of coming back alive.

"But why?," she asked, too confused with the direction the conversation was taking. Could she trust him, allies or not? Up to what point?

"Estee seems to trust you. You jumped for your sister without hesitation, Everdeen, and that can't be faked. There is nothing authentic here, those who win...many of them never know what sacrifice is. You do, right?," he asked, more gently. "For that alone you should go back home. Damn, I'd send all 24 of you back if I could."

Katniss saw him shake his head slightly afterwards, his eyes off, as if he didn't believe he'd said such a thing. She couldn't believe what she was hearing either. Anywhere but there, if what Finnick had said was true, speaking that way wouldn't have been the wisest thing to do. It didn't seem compatible to talk about the Games in that way and being the golden winner that was put on the screens at all hours. Or maybe it was just that, she thought suddenly, as if it were a revelation. Maybe it was the same acting Haymitch wanted so badly for her and Alder. But if Finnick had already won, why did it matter so much what he did or didn't do?

"I don't consider myself much of a good bet," Katniss said, making Finnick look at her again. Effie would've killed her, had she heard her, because she was supposed to convince him, not the other way around. "I don't care what happens to me. I've already got what I wanted."

"Is that so?"

"Prim's alive."

"Is that your sister?"

She nodded before returning her gaze to the ground.

"So, you don't want to increase your chances of going home?"

"I don't want anyone to give me false illusions. Doesn't Estee want to return too? Being allies is pointless if we are going to end up killing each other in the end."

"That's the way the world works, Everdeen."

She was tired of everyone telling her the same thing, first Haymitch and now him. That was the harsh reality they were facing, as her mentor had warned her, allies were nothing more than instruments, even if they were still people.

"Knowledge is important, so sharing it is beneficial for everyone. I won't lie to you," he pronounced seriously. "The decisions you'll make won't be easy. In the end...in the end it all comes down to fear. Fear makes you freeze, and then it won't matter what any of you know. Trust me, I speak from experience."

Katniss couldn't remember his Games, it had been a while since that, and then she was just a child. Still, it was clear that Finnick wasn't the youngest winner in the history of the Games for no reason. When they talked about him, they usually pointed out how he had killed so many others, almost effortlessly. That didn't sound like a scared fourteen-year-old, but a trained one. Katniss had to swallow before looking up at him.

"And how do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Kill someone," it gave her goosebumps, just saying it. "I don't mean…not the act of killing. How do you not think about it?"

How could she live with herself afterwards? If she came back, how would others perceive her? Her father, Prim. Would there be anything left of the girl they knew? Katniss expected any answer, she maybe wished there was some hope to hold on to, but he seemed just as taken aback.

"If you find the answer, Everdeen, I'd like to know it too. Sounds like you have a lot to ponder. Think about it and tell Haymitch for once, alright?"

His attitude had only baffled her. The charisma she displayed was the same one that drove the cameras crazy, although that afternoon there was something more human behind the surface. She turned to see him before he opened the door back into the hallway.

"Finnick," she stopped him. "Thanks for... the cake."

Actually, for the information, the help, in some way, that she could get from his words. He only nodded his head slightly, before disappearing into the artificial light of the interior.

"See you, Everdeen."

I had some pretty busy days last week so I couldn't update, and then I somehow managed to delete chapter 6 which was mostly finished so...I panicked, basically. Hopefully it'll be sorted soon. I've been seeing your reviews, so thanks for them they really get me going!
Hope you enjoyed this one, thanks for reading! 3