Be Selfish

Chapter 13

"You were friends with him, weren't you?" Harry asked, staring up at Antonin in sympathy. The war did nothing but tear families and friends apart, if it wasn't death that did it…taking sides surely would. "How did he die?" being rather nosy, he knew, but this was why he was here. To see things from the other side, to parley.

"He caught Dragon Pox; he died while I was in Azkaban." Antonin said grimly, while his son looked like him, he didn't act like him. Didn't have his presence and Merlin, he was a whiny little shit, and had an even whiner little shit. He could tolerate Lucius though, but his son? Merlin, help him, if he heard 'wait until I tell my father about this' one more time, he'd rattle the brats' teeth. He had been very glad to see the back of Malfoy manor after his short recuperation period.

"I'm sorry you lost your friend," Harry said simply, he couldn't imagine losing Hermione and Ron. "And even more so that you didn't get to say goodbye."

"Oh, we've got to say goodbye," Antonin stated, giving Harry an odd look at the declaration. As he handed Harry a pair of pajamas to wear for the evening, it's unlikely he'd be going anywhere for the next day or so. It was a good thing though, it allowed them to get back to the original reason Harry had been brought here.

"How did you manage that?" Harry asked, his face screwed up a little as he put his legs into the bottoms.

Antonin groaned dramatically and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Hogwarts has truly let all magical children down." How it could still be considered one of the best schools in the world, he did not know.

Harry rolled his eyes, honestly, that was Antonin's go to comment when he didn't know something. Which he was beginning to realized there was a lot he didn't know. Information he knew for sure most of the other purebloods and half-bloods that were raised in the magical world had grown up taking for granted.

"Yes, yes, I'm stupid," Harry grumbled, but he must confess he was curious about how Antonin had said goodbye to his friend. Although, he wasn't sure how anyone could be friends with a Malfoy.

"Not stupid, ignorant," Antonin stated sharply, "Which is a state of being that's actively being encouraged by Dumbledore and likely the Ministry. So much knowledge has been forgotten and lost it truly is a shame. Bless Lady magic and long may she continue to gift others with magic even if they've turned their back on her."

"What are we talking about here anyway? How did you manage to say goodbye to him? A letter?" Harry asked, as he padded through the doorway that Antonin had opened for him. Rubbing his eyes tiredly, the sight of the sofa was a very welcoming one.

"Rituals, ones that work extremely well when the veil between worlds is at it's weakest, a date that has been the most revered by the magical world as long as one has had magic." Antonin declared, glancing shrewdly at the boy wondering if he'd know.

Harry grimaced "Halloween," now what he said wasn't actually just Magical in nature, this was something muggles believed too.

"Samhain," Antonin corrected him, sitting down while Harry moved to get the book he was currently reading before joining him. Sitting with his head just inches from his legs, yes, the boy had no sense of self preservation. "The veil being thinner allows even those…with even a small amount of power to cross the divide and communicate with their chosen spirit of the dead."

Harry felt a lump grow in his throat, "So…I'd have been able to talk to my parents?" that his first impression of his parents' voice wouldn't be their death when a dementor comes near?

"Indeed, a lot of families don't feel the need to do so since they have portraits of their loved ones, but those that don't have that comfort to fall back? The ritual means everything." Antonin explained, he hadn't gotten to speak to Abraxas' portrait, it had been away for restoration, Bellatrix had caused untold damage and it had left Lucius seething in rage. For some inexplicable reason, he hadn't been able to leave the portrait. At least he hadn't frozen otherwise there would be no repairing it or bringing him back.

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" Harry asked, the lump becoming more prominent.

"It's not the world's place to educate you, you are friends with a Mudblood and a pureblood whose family is disgraced. All they know is the information taught at Hogwarts, did you see a single book in the Weasley abode you could use to educate yourself. Likely sold to pay off their immense debt, which the family has been paying off for two generations now." Antonin pointed out, clenching Harry's hand into his own, stopping the boy from pinching him in the leg in retaliation for his words against the Mudblood likely. "And don't get me started on the Hogwarts library." it was tiny compared to other pureblood libraries, and it shouldn't be the case.

Harry couldn't help but grin as he stared up at Antonin, he was funny when he was exasperated. The look on his face it honestly was amusing. Although, his words sobered him up, it was true, it was nobody's place to educate him, but he still felt so lost and unsure when it came to why he had been so bloody ignorant.

"Dumbledore's library is bigger than Hogwarts library," Harry conceded Antonin's comment, the feel of Antonin's hand encased his own felt so good.

Antonin grunted, having nothing more to say, the little savage would just try and attack him again if he said anything about his friends sorely lacking in certain areas.

"Most of them don't," Antonin said dryly, "Welcome to Dumbledore's 'greater good', nobody but him should have access to books he deems too 'dark' for people to read."

Harry frowned, rolling to the side, he perched his chin on Antonin's thigh and asked, "If I wanted to find out everything I could about Dumbledore, about everything he's done…not just the duel but everything…who could I go to?" flipping the page back and forth, his mind ticking away on a lot of possibilities.

Antonin craned his neck to meet Harry's eyes, "Why? What are you planning?" his tone filled with caution.

"Nothing," Harry replied, spelling the book to hover so he could read.

Antonin reached for Harry's chin, turning the teenagers face to meet his. "Be very careful about what you're thinking about doing next. Not much is known about Dumbledore and those who have made 'breakthroughs' have disappeared before they could make contact."

"Voldemort?" Harry questioned, his tone going somber, his stomach clenching at the thought. What sort of information could have Dumbledore buried in the past that he'd rather kill than let the past become known?

"It's only natural to want to know more information about your…adversary," Antonin explained thoughtfully. "Unfortunately, those that have managed to dig anything up disappeared before they could give the dark lord their report. All information also went missing, Rookwood's father was one of the first. After the fifth the dark lord decided against sending anyone out to dig information up."

"Didn't he decide to do it himself?" Harry asked somewhat astonished, he didn't think Voldemort had it in him to let such a thing go. Especially if it was worth killing over, you'd think Voldemort would be salivating over it. He wanted Dumbledore out of the way, right? I mean it was only natural he'd want to bring down the opposition.

"He's amazing at getting information, putting all the pieces together. I've watched him do so, and it's baffling how he managed to put it together in the first place. Unfortunately, the information about Dumbledore requires access to certain departments and people." Antonin explained honestly, "Rookwood like his father, was an Unspeakable, which pretty much allows them access to all areas of the magical world. The best way to track someone is their accidental magic, which is highly restricted."

Harry shuddered at the prospect of Voldemort being anything other than an evil bastard. At least Antonin wasn't expecting him to join Voldemort though. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been able to stay here. He wasn't desperate enough to live with someone who would want him to join Voldemort's side. Oh, who was he kidding…yes, he was bloody desperate. He liked Antonin, and spending time with him like this was…great. He just wanted to be left alone, there was no shame or blame in that, is there?

"There is no shame or blame in that," Antonin declared, pressing his hand against Harry's seriously. "Those that remain neutral or grey as it sometimes referred to as, in the war are never touched, you'd be surprised by how many families actually do elect to remain so." He certainly hadn't been under any impression that Harry could be neutral. More fool him, nobody had actually asked the teen what he wanted.

"You're not foolish enough to think I'll be left alone." Harry commented, his tone dry and bitter. Nothing giving away the fact he hadn't actually meant to say that out loud, least of all to Antonin.

Antonin could not refute that statement, there was no way Dumbledore would leave Harry alone if he declared himself grey/neutral. However, it wasn't as if Dumbledore could force Harry to fight for them, well, short of putting him under the Imperius curse. However, if the Dark Lord couldn't it was highly unlikely Dumbledore would succeed.

Harry just nodded when he realized Antonin wasn't going to give him false platitudes. It was good, he liked that, he detested being lied to. Shifting to get comfortable he began to read more about phoenixes, he had bonded to one after all and time just seemed to fade away, as he magically flicked through page after page.

"Huh, so that's why Fawkes got so big so quickly…" Harry mused thoughtfully, "What does that mean when it comes to Dumbledore? Unwilling or unable to tap into his magic to make the bond and the bird flourish? What do you think?" glancing at where he'd last seen Antonin only to startle, he wasn't there.

"How long were you in Dumbledore's presence?" Antonin asked, causing Harry to startle badly, glaring at Antonin who stood at the door, moving back to Harry and handing him a bowl of fresh fruit, berries, strawberries, blackberries, blueberries and raspberries.

"Uh…ten minutes at most?" Harry tried to calculate just how long, although he could be wrong. It wasn't as if he had timed how long he was there, all the same it was as good a guess as he could come up with. "I was waiting for a bit, spoke to the sorting hat, then I noticed Fawkes and spoke to him then he literally burst into flames on me then I heard Dumbledore. He explained it was Fawkes burning day, and he was right there in the phoenix's face, touching him, I didn't notice any blood though."

"That's likely where he forced the bonding," Antonin mused thoughtfully, "Perhaps he panicked with you so close to him, we'll never really know how long Fawkes desired distance from him." So much information he had to give the Dark Lord when the parleys were complete. Not about Harry's history, medical and with the Muggles. That he would never reveal, not without permission.

There were some lines he refused to cross.

However, nothing was going to stop him having the absolute pleasure of revealing that Fawkes, Dumbledore's so-called familiar had abandoned the old fool. He'd crossed a line that the phoenix hadn't been able to tolerate.

"Wait, this says…phoenixes aren't light," Harry jerked up into sitting position.

Antonin smirked, "Wondered when you'd get around to asking about that."

Harry gaped, "Are you serious right now? But…but everyone goes on about Dumbledore revering him for being 'light' and using the phoenix to do it! Doesn't anyone read anymore?!" he felt betrayed, angry with himself for his stupid assumptions, and it was his assumption, nobody had said it to him. where had he gotten the belief that a phoenix was the symbol of the light? The actual name Dumbledore used to call his order? Light side opposed to the dark side.

"Does it surprise you? Dumbledore has been spewing that propaganda long before Fawkes appeared at his side." Antonin snorted derisively, sprawling himself on the sofa, looking for all the world a king at his own leisure.

"Do you think he already had Fawkes?" Harry asked curiously.

The 'Its possible' was on the tip of Antonin's tongue when a soft mournful croon penetrated the air. Dumbledore was a master at manipulation, and playing the long game after all.

"Ouch!" Harry cried out, clasping the sides of his head in pain.

"Harry?" came Antonin's voice, but it sounded far away.

"Bloody hell, don't do that again!" Harry croaked out, "Fawkes can send images through the bond, oww, that hurt, I have a migraine, it would have hurt less swinging at me with a damn sledgehammer!"

Antonin arched his brow, "Sledgehammer?"

"Muggle equivalent of a blasting curse," Harry murmured, so grateful for Antonin being quiet, oh, it was so painful.

"That's interesting, the fact that it hurt so much denotes some heavy mind shields." Antonin gazed shrewdly at Harry.

"But I don't have mind shields, I couldn't figure it out," he confessed, shame suffusing him, if only he had, Sirius might not have died.

"You not being able to shield your mind from the Dark Lord is entirely different than having none. You wouldn't have been able to keep him out of your mind even with all the Occlumens training in the world." Antonin stated firmly, the horcrux within Harry was already there, making it all too easy for the dark lord to get into Harry's mind. The shields were outside of the horcrux and Harry's mind. "What happened wasn't your fault, the situation was always out of your hands. Plus, I seriously doubt Black would have stayed back, he's as far from a coward as one could get, do you honestly think he would have stayed back knowing you were in danger?"

Harry shook his head, slightly dazed, this was the first time someone had told him it wasn't his fault and it felt like the truth. The rest of them – as few as they were – felt like they felt the need to say it.

"Do you need something for your headache?" Antonin asked still crouched down.

"No, thank you," Harry murmured, "Is it wrong that I don't miss Sirius as much as I miss the thought of getting away from the Dursley's?" his guilt for these thoughts manifesting due to their conversation.

Antonin stared at Harry, somewhat surprised, but he paused to collect his thoughts. "How long did you spend with each other?"

Harry's gaze rose up to Antonin's "I've spent more time with you than with my godfather…I don't know the first thing about him, story of my life." A tinge of bitterness suffusing his words. "How right is it that I only found out what my parents looked like when I was nearly twelve? How right is it that I only know their best bloody subjects and eye color? They know so much about my parents but they've never shared anything! Not a single bloody thing!" they have pensive memories, and Merlin he hated all of them for never once thinking he might like to see something. "Only thing I ever saw was how much a disgusting detestable bully my father was…he practically sexually assaulted Snape and likely didn't get so much as a detention." Tiredness seeping into his voice already, his body just wasn't up to this.

"He was," Antonin didn't refute James Potter's status, "He was born very late in his parents' life, they didn't think they'd have a child. He was a blessing, and nothing he did was ever punished. He could have killed a dozen people and his parents would have covered it up immediately. That's how far their devotion to their child went. It didn't help that Dumbledore was far worse in indulging the quartet. Children are a blessing and most families are a little too lenient on punishing their offspring. It results in worse while they're at Hogwarts if ramifications of their actions aren't met. They went too far, that's correct, but don't think Severus Snape's an angel in all this. Four on one wasn't fair agreed, but Severus got them back most of the time. He's a willy wizard, he'll hold onto a grudge and make sure to replay it twofold."

"You think? He's made my own years at Hogwarts a living hell because he hates my dad." Harry snapped.

Antonin laughed, "Out of all possible ways you think it was because of your father?" shaking his head, sometimes youngsters were funny without meaning to be.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry asked, crossly.

"Snape's always been very strict, even when he teaches youngsters potions. It's a very dangerous craft. However, his 'strict' moved onto 'diabolical' the moment you stepped in Hogwarts. Can you think of one reason that might be?" Antonin pointed out.

"Because he hates my father," Harry stated, honestly, he wasn't sure why this was being asked. Snape was supposed to be a spy for Dumbledore, against Voldemort. The fact he got the Order to the Ministry sort of makes it seem that way. He honestly didn't know if it was because he was a Death Eater or not. So, he would protect him as Snape had tried to protect him and his friends. To a point.

He had blamed Snape for not being able to learn Occlumency, but could Antonin be right? Would he never have been able to keep Voldemort out not matter what? Had Snape really been trying to help him and not sabotage? If so, that might mean he had been trying to protect him in more ways than one. He'd never really trusted Snape, despite all his actions.

"And who told you that?" Antonin's voice still held a massive amount of amusement much to Harry's vexation.

Grimacing, "Dumbledore," recalling the end of his first year, how Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling as he told him that Snape owed Harry's father a life debt. Implying they hadn't gotten on at all. Had those small interactions even been calculated manipulations? Merlin, it was tiring, didn't Dumbledore get tired of actually seeing it through?

"And who has the ability to reign him in if he should so desire?" Antonin asked, standing up, he moved back over to his seat. He couldn't remain crouched like that long; he wasn't a young anymore. The heat and potions helped immensely.

"I get it," Harry grumbled, feeling eleven again, he immeasurably disliked that feeling, a lot. Refusing to think more on Dumbledore or Snape for that matter. Was it sad that he'd actually trust Snape over Dumbledore at this point? Considering he didn't trust Snape much?

"Everything that might seem completely cut off, was likely a measure created by Dumbledore. Everything that's happened in the past six years was all Dumbledore's way of likely making sure you were the perfect little soldier you were made to be." Antonin reminded Harry seriously.

Harry shook his head, "Why is it when I think I understand everything…someone is always there to pull the rug out from under me?" every year it happened, sure it was Snape, turns out it was Quirrell. Sure, it was Draco – he was twelve sue him – only to find out it was Voldemort. So sure, Sirius was guilty, turns out it was Pettigrew. Not to mention fourth or fifth year, it was so tiring, it truly was.

"There's always something new to learn," Antonin answered sympathetically, "Even I, for all my age." The day there was nothing new to learn would becoming vastly boring indeed.

Grumbling under his breathe, Harry returned to his previous position. His mind filled with a whole lot of new information about Dumbledore and the possibility of him being darker than anticipated. Was he really going about killing those that got to the truth about him? How and why? Better yet what kind of information was worth killing for?

"Can I go to Gringotts?" Harry asked putting the book down magically, he'd had enough for now. He only had two more chapters to go anyway, and most of it was about the bonding phoenixes and their owners underwent.

"You may go wherever you please, you are not stuck here," Antonin stated bluntly, not surprised Harry may feel that way, due to his previous living situation. "However, it was advised you refrain from using magic too much it might be a mite unstable."

"Really? They used the term unstable?" Harry asked, more amused than anything.

"Indeed, it was," Antonin replied, "So, if we go, I'd rather take you there and return for you once you've finished your business."

"I'm surprised you aren't demanding to stay," Harry said a little bemused.

Antonin just grumbled, "Not Dumbledore," under his breathe, as he ate the fruit. Plucked directly from the farm in Italy, the grapes were his favorite. Picked at the utmost perfect time, then preserved. "However, should you wish for me to remain and act as an advisor, just ask, I truly don't mind." Adding this just in case the young wizard was a little bit overwhelmed by it. Not just the language but learning to actually be independent in the wizarding world. He doubted it was the case, but he'd rather be sure.

"Aren't they expecting me back anyway?" Harry queried, scooting the book back towards him, deciding to finish it, wondering absently if Fawkes would be insulted if Harry used him to go to the bank and back again.

"They…" Antonin's words were abruptly cut off with the entrance of a barrage of owls.

"They've found out," Harry commented, cringing when Pig did the toilet on the other couch in mid-air, most owls did not do that, they were trained better. It was actually gross, its almost like the owl was never trained. Perhaps he'd been too young when Sirius had bought him for the Weasley's.

"I was unaware you knew so many people, Potter," Antonin stated sounding highly pissed off by the mass flock of owls now circling his property. "Drop your letters and head to the Owlery, now!" he commanded, using magic to make his point.

Even Pig listened.

"Well, at least Hedwig will have company," Harry murmured staring down at the pile, slightly alarmed at all the mail, and that it came at the same time. Imagining them all sitting at Grimmauld Place, writing out the letters to him under Dumbledore's direction it felt rotten to its very core. At the same time, he couldn't help but laugh bitterly, Merlin he's so tired of all the bullshit.

Antonin glanced at Harry, "What has you so…amused?" refraining from mentioning the bitterness but it was there all the same in his expression.

Harry just sniggered, telling Antonin about his little thoughts.

"You know, that could very well be what happened," Antonin pointed out that Dumbledore may have ordered them all to write to him. "He will be desperate to get you back under his control."

Harry nodded, not surprised the least.

"The question is…does he have control over Lord Potter?" Antonin questioned, and Harry was now Lord Potter, a different wizard from who he had been when he came just over ten days ago. Would Harry ultimately forgive Dumbledore now he had a chance to think and Dumbledore writing to him? Or will he stay the course?

It was far easier at the end of the day to go back to what you were used to, familiar with. Than to gain the courage and strength to spread your wings and step forth into the unknown with the prospect of death looming over you all the same.

The Dark Lord might be the only thing stopping Harry from embracing a whole new different freedom unlike he'd ever known before.

A/N – didn't get as much written today as I hoped, but it's the end of the chapter and I'm getting it posted all the same 😊 I'm honestly eager to write Antonin meeting the dark lord more than anything else at this point, although, neither have made strides in their trust in the fortnight as I would have wished…so, not sure if he'd realistically stay there especially since he's there illegally and doesn't know the language or the people…not enough reason to stay after all…bit of a sticky wicket I've left myself with there I know hmm I'll have to think of something won't I? 😉 thanks for all your wonderful reviews they mean a lot! R&R please