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Dick Wolf owns everything
Deep Cuts
He sat at Mickey's waiting. It was 9:15 and she still wasn't here yet. He was two beers in and working on his third. It probably wasn't the best idea to get buzzed before she got here but he needed something to take the edge off.
After his little trip to fantasy land, he had gotten up and showered, shaved and then struggled to figure out what to wear. He had never had this problem before, and he wasn't sure why it seemed to be a big deal to him now.
Maybe because she hadn't seen him in a month? She doesn't usually see him in civilian clothing so maybe that was it. He didn't know why this was suddenly a problem. He sighed and growled at himself after spending more time than he would have liked worrying about this before he decided on jeans, a black long sleeve shirt and a jean jacket.
He had already shed the jacket feeling the warmth of the alcohol slowly buzzing over his skin. He took a sip of his beer and checked his watch again.
9:17
He sighed again and gripped the bottle in his hand. Maybe she caught a case. Maybe… maybe she wasn't coming. Having this big life changing thing happen to him and not having Liv know was starting to get under his skin and irritate him. He just… he just needed to tell her.
She was coming… she wouldn't just not show and not tell him.
He hoped she'd get here soon because all this time sitting… waiting… was giving him too much time to think. Think about why it was bothering him that she still didn't know. He had weeks to get his head in order and his new place and the whole time he was… nervous to tell her. Wondering how he would do it… what would he say? What would she say?
That thought sent a little tingle of nervousness into the pit of his stomach. Would she think less of him?
All he wanted to do was see her and tell her.
He just needed to tell her.
She is his partner.
It felt… off to not see her every day. That's all this was. Had he been back at work, and all this went down with Kathy, Olivia would have known in a heartbeat. She would have read him like a book, and without even pushing, she would have gotten him to talk. She was good at that. Knowing exactly what to say or not say to him to let him know she was worried, or that if he wanted to, he could confide in her. Or when he was being especially stupid or bull headed, she would say it to his face, clear cut. Rip the band aide off.
She had never been afraid of him. Always toe to toe with him when he was in one of his moods to fight. But the second he showed the real reason for his anger, her ability to switch to empathy and compassion surpassed everyone he ever knew. She could be soft in an instant for him.
She also never held a grudge. At least not with him. And he was grateful for it because if anyone deserved to hold a grudge over him it would be Olivia… well… and Kathy.
But it just wasn't Liv's style.
She was his constant. His rock. She was the only stable thing in his life. If he needed her… she would be there. Undoubtedly. He'd bet a million dollars on it. She would take a bullet for him.
And without his permission, his mind went to Gitano. He took another long drink of his beer trying to focus on the taste as it hit his tongue, and the way it felt going down his throat. Gitano was… overwhelming and if he was going to let himself go there, he needed a minute to let his brain and heart accept the dark intrusion.
Gitano was almost the deepest cut he'd ever felt. It was the only time he'd ever felt what it would be like to have life slip out of his body. And he'd been shot, stabbed, nearly run over and almost killed more times than he could even remember… even the most recent bullets had threatened to take the life out of him, but Olivia had been there. She had been there looking over him, telling him to hang on, and seeing her before he blacked out was all the incentive he needed. But the images of her laying on the ground, bleeding… would haunt him till the day he died.
That had really thrown a wrench in their whole system. Their system of never bringing up what they meant to each other. Never talking about the feelings they had for each other. Feelings that… they shouldn't have. Feelings that he wasn't looking for. But the second she walked into the precinct, he felt something shift.
He remembered watching her walk in, look around and walk right into Cragen's office. His eyes were glued to her. He couldn't look away. Not only was she beautiful in a way he'd never seen before but there was something else…
Something that instantly pulled him like a magnet. She still had that same effect on him. Except now it's stronger.
Gitano… Computer Crimes… Oregon… those all tested their partnership. Tested who they were as cops… as partners… as people. Tested who they were to each other. Their bond was unbreakable. All those things combined with the darkness that comes with Special Victims would have been more than enough to tear apart partners or make someone want to eat the working end of their gun. But ten years later they were still here, still together… stronger than ever.
Time had healed the wound the most it could, but the scar was there. Translucent to all except them, and they wore it together. There were times in the last few years after they recemented who they were to each other and shelved once again what that all meant, that his mind would go to those moments. He'd have flashes of her bleeding… flashes of them arguing in the squad with heat that would have rivaled any volcano… them in that warehouse… her face… her eyes locked on his… the tears falling down her cheeks… and he'd look across his desk at her and it was like she could feel it.
She'd look up… meet his gaze… and for a moment time stood still. For a moment there was nothing but the two of them. And she'd silently convey that she was right back there with him. And it was like he could hear her in his mind… her voice saying… I know… me too.
Then in a flash it would be over, and they'd both just… go back to work. Like nothing had happened.
But everything had happened in that moment. Everything.
It had torn them both to shreds. Opened them up and ripped through them. Exposed them. Made them look at the twisted complicated web that entangled them both so deep there was no way out. There was no way to extract each other from one another's lives. They were forever bonded together in something no one else could ever understand.
And it wasn't until recently that he realized… he didn't want and out. It wasn't until recently while he was sitting alone in his apartment that he realized this wasn't new. He was only now letting himself see it… feel it… want it.
He shivered at the memory and the feelings it always stirred up in him. And then he sighed again because there was opportunity there. In the hours after everything was said and done, they had a moment in that hospital. And he had been too afraid.
Afraid of how he felt, afraid of what it meant… afraid of how… to start.
He let that opportunity pass him by because he was afraid to say out loud how he truly felt because then it would be real.
And she left him.
That was the deepest cut of all.
It had enraged him because if he didn't let anger take over, he would have fallen apart. He would have crumbled into a million pieces and never been able to put himself back together. His rage was the only thing that kept him fused together. And without his partner to dismantle his armor and help him get to the bottom of it, anger was all he had.
Looking back on it now, he knew why she left. He made it so she didn't have a choice.
Look we both chose each other over the job… we can never let that happen again… otherwise… we can't be partners…
His own words echoed in his mind. He could feel the pain those words caused her. It radiated off the shocked words she spoke after.
I can't believe you're saying that…
He'd never get over how he took the safe way out.
You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore… I don't wanna wreck that…
He all but sealed his own fate. He made his choice clear, which in turn made hers. He was the one holding all the cards. He was the one who was married and shut down the opportunity to say what he was really feeling and for once in his life take a chance.
To choose a different path… to choose what he wanted and not fall to an obligation.
To choose her.
And he let it slip out of his fingers.
He wasn't going to make that mistake twice.
Now things were different. He was single.
Officially.
And the only person who he couldn't stop thinking about was her. Especially after what happened.
This was an opportunity. He wasn't going to let it pass him by again. He felt something the second she came out of the bathroom in her bra. The second her skin touched his it was like electricity. And he knew she felt it too.
He was worried that maybe Olivia had moved on… let him go. Decided they were partners and friends and that was all she would ever be open to. He wouldn't have blamed her. But there was no way she didn't feel the same thing he did when she pressed herself half naked against him.
He closed his eyes and left himself remember the feeling of her skin. Soft… smooth… perfect. Her face had been inches from him… and then she turned into his neck, and he almost lost it. He could barely speak, barely think. No one had ever had that effect on him.
The Olivia Benson effect.
He dragged his hand across his face and really felt his buzz start to hit him, and he couldn't keep himself from thinking about her again and wondering about all the things that were a mystery to him. What her skin felt like on other parts of her body… what she liked… what she would sound like… how her lips would feel…
Just as he was going to let his mind wander farther his cell buzzed on the bar and startled him and he almost knocked his beer over.
He looked around to see a few patrons stare at him for a moment before they went back to what they were doing, and he looked down at his phone. It was Liv.
Be there in five… sorry I'm late.
He swallowed and took a deep breath in and let it out slow. He felt nervous again. His mind started to race, and he wasn't sure how he was going to start this when she got here. He felt uneasy and… excited. This was going to open up new doors for them and he realized it may take some time. He had time to work this out, and she would need time too… he needed to remember that.
She'd probably put up a fight about how it wasn't too late, which he expected because that was what she had always done every time he was having problems at home. But it was over. There was no time left.
It was their time now. He was ready to start.
Elliot felt a whole other way of nervousness hit him. That was the first time he had let himself think that. Fully feel and think that.
Wow.
It was… freeing. And terrifying. Elliot felt that distinct pull he knew like the back of his hand, and he turned he head to the door just in time to see Olivia walk through. The second her eyes met his, all his darkness dissolved.
She is the light. She'd always been the light.
His light.
His eyes roamed over her. She was wearing a maroon V cut sweater under her leather jacket and jeans. She had her hair swept up into a loose ponytail. He felt his pulse quicken watching her stride over to him. Damn she looked beautiful he thought.
Olivia made her way over to her partner of ten years and felt instantly relieved. He was there, all in one piece. And he looked… good. He looked really good.
He turned on his bar stool to face her, and she couldn't help her eyes from moving over him. He had his sleeves rolled up and just the hint of his muscle gave her a shiver. He had that little smirk on his face and there was something else in his eyes. She wasn't sure what it was, but something was different.
She took the empty stool to his right and he turned to wave down the bar tender to get her a drink.
"Hey El… sorry I'm so late, but you see my partner has been on vacation for a month leaving me to pick up all the slack." She said grinning as she nudged him.
He chuckled and turned to her handing her drink to her. "Well, I'm sure your partner is sorry for his absence and all this extra work." He paused turning to his beer to take a sip. He side-eyed her and said, "You want me to beat him up for you?" he asked as a slow smile crossed his lips.
Olivia laughed and took a sip of her beer.
She couldn't get over how good he looked. He looked… light. The tired heaviness that she usually saw underlining in his eyes was gone. And it felt good to be next to him again. Right… comfortable.
"So, you ready to come back?" Olivia asked adjusting herself to face him a little more. Elliot stayed facing the bar but turned his head to her as he spoke.
"Definitely." He said and then he turned to look at the bottle in his hands. He wanted to face her, but he needed to work up his nerve to tell her why he asked her here tonight. He didn't want his bare ring finger to tell her. Plus, he just wanted a little time to talk… maybe test out flirting with her a little to see how she might react.
He wasn't sure if the alcohol in his was making him a little bolder, or if it was simply because a few seconds before she walked in, he openly made up his mind to start… this… whatever this will be, with her. And then she waltzed in looking the way she did, and it wasn't a choice anymore.
She walked in and had made the choice for him.
"Miss me?" he asked testing the waters.
"Of course we did El. The place isn't the same without you." She said.
He smiled softly still looking at his beer. "What about you?" he said, turning to look at her.
Olivia felt her breath get caught a little. There it was… that something… different in his eyes. He had a piercing way of looking at people. But had his eyes always been this… sparkling she wondered.
Olivia parted her lips a little to let the air in her lungs out and noticed his eyes darted to them, but unlike usual, he let them linger. Olivia closed her mouth and swallowed. He shifted his look back to her eyes and waited for her answer.
"What about me?" was all she could get out. She was caught in his gaze, and it was making her pulse buzz a little.
"You said we…" he said, his voice a little lower. It hit in the pit of her stomach, and she swallowed again because suddenly her mouth was dry.
"Yea… the squad… all of us… we miss you El." She said and she saw the smirk cross his face. She wasn't sure what he was trying to get at but it was causing her head to spin the tiniest bit and she had only taken a few sips of her beer.
"And you?" he asked. Olivia felt her heart jump. Then he leaned over closer to her, and she could smell his aftershave. It was intoxicating and she licked her bottom lip trying to get a hold of herself. What was he doing?
"Did you miss me Liv?" he asked, his voice low, and she could feel his breath on her skin. This is… this is trouble. What is he doing? He shouldn't be this close to her. She wanted him to be so badly at the moment, but she knew this couldn't be right.
"Yea…" she barely said, and then swallowed hard turning her head to her beer breaking the excruciating gaze of his and added, "I missed you… you're my partner." And took a longer sip of her beer.
Elliot watched the column of her neck as she drank and let his eyes roam over her jawline. He wondered what his lips would feel like there. He smiled, happy with the confession he got out of her and finally took his eyes off her to take another sip of his drink.
"Jeez El, I thought you got shot in the shoulder, not in the head. You sure you're ok?" Olivia asked trying to get a second to get a grip.
His intensity was something she loved about him, but having it directed at you could be… overwhelming to say the least. They had flirted with this line before, but never like this. There was something different about him tonight. The look in his eyes… the way he was dressed. He was openly flirting with her, and it caught her off guard.
Maybe he had a little too much to drink waiting for her. This was dangerous territory, and she was still reeling from a month ago when they had been skin to skin. She needed him to cool down for her own sanity.
"Yea… I'm ok…" he said chuckling. "Actually… I'm more than ok. I feel better than I have in a long time."
Ok now she was confused. Olivia knit her eyebrows and turned to look at him again. She studied his profile trying to figure out what on earth was going on with him when he turned and looked at her. His eyes were sparkling for sure this time. They were a deep serene blue, full of light.
"El…" she said.
"Yea?"
"Why are we here?"