This story takes place in season 15, several months after Lewis kidnaps Olivia for the first time but before he kidnaps her the second time. I write a lot of stories where Liv is the one comforting Amanda, so I tried to change things up a bit with this one, but the story ended up reverting back to what I usually write, lol.
William Lewis and Charles Patton are both mentioned in this chapter, but there's nothing graphic. I will probably add trigger warnings to the next chapter, though. It will definitely be more in-depth with what Olivia and Amanda have endured.
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"Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too"
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Amanda Rollins is exhausted.
The entire squad has been working around the clock for days on their current case, not many breaks or enough rest for any of them, but now it is finally her turn for some sleep. As she climbs the last few steps to the cribs, Amanda is not even confident she's going to make it into one of the bunks before her legs give way and she collapses into a weary heap of trembling limbs and disheveled hair.
All she wants is a hot shower, a good meal, and a warm bed. She'll have to settle for just one of those things right now, although the uncomfortable bunk she'll be sleeping on barely counts as a proper bed. Perhaps she can dream about the soothing rush of water, delicious dinners, and a cushy mattress if she can manage to drift off for a little while, eager for some downtime away from her team.
Her hand is gripping the knob, visions of hibernation dancing through her head, when a sudden bloodcurdling scream pierces the air from the other side of the door, Amanda stopping dead in her tracks as her breath catches in her throat and the tiny hairs on her arms stand on end. She is on the move a split second later, her heart thumping in her chest as she recognizes the scream as Olivia's, terrified at the notion of the other woman in danger again. All thoughts of debilitating fatigue and impending slumber vanish from her brain as an abrupt second wind has her flying into the room like she has sprouted a pair of wings.
Amanda crashes through the door to see Olivia thrashing wildly on one of the bunks that line the wall, obviously caught in a nightmare, Nick looming uncertainly over her.
"Get away from her!" Amanda snaps immediately, hands clenched into fists as she strides over to her colleagues and prepares to take control of the situation. If Olivia is having nightmares about William Lewis, as Amanda suspects she is, the last thing the brunette needs to see upon awakening is a man standing right beside her bed, staring nervously at her while she struggles to escape the monster in her mind.
"But I was just trying to help-"
"And now you can leave," Amanda cuts Nick off swiftly, her protective instincts in overdrive at the tremulous whimper that sounds from Olivia's direction. "I've got this."
The older woman is curled onto her side and pressed into the wall, panting and sniffling as she moves restlessly on the mattress and emits a series of anguished moans. Amanda's heart breaks at the unexpected scene unfolding before her, Olivia normally as closed off about her time with William Lewis as she herself is with Charles Patton.
No matter their differences in other areas, they are the same when it comes to keeping their private lives and personal hardships to themselves, unwilling to share much with their male colleagues or one another. Although Amanda understands and respects Olivia's decision not to divulge certain information about the most traumatic event of her life, she had hoped her sergeant would eventually open up to her and let go of some of the heavy burden she has been carrying all on her own.
"Oh, yeah? I can leave? And who made you boss?" Nick snarls in return, dark brows drawn together in a frown and looking like he is ready for a fight.
The chaos of this case combined with the severe lack of sleep has made them all irritable and quick to anger, and Amanda is sick and tired of walking on eggshells around her team so as not to start any arguments. She is just as depleted as the rest of them, her patience shot to hell and her stomach begging for food that doesn't come from a vending machine, and the rage building inside of her is about to explode if Nick doesn't get away from Olivia as soon as possible.
"She's right, Amaro," a voice pipes up from the doorway, Amanda turning to see Fin standing there with his arms crossed and a concerned expression on his face as he surveys the room in front of him. "Let Rollins deal with this. Come back downstairs with me."
"But Liv is my partner," Nick protests with childish whine that has Amanda rolling her eyes and then taking offense when he continues speaking. "She trusts me. She can barely even stand Rollins. Let me help her."
"In light of what's happened recently, I think Rollins might be a better choice right now," Fin explains, his tone low and even and deceptively calm, but Amanda knows better. "Don't make me come over there and drag you out by your earlobe, Amaro. You know I'll do it, too. Let Rollins handle it." Fin pinches his thumb and index finger together as if he is actually going to make good on his threat, and Amanda has to stifle a chuckle.
"Ugh, fine," Nick huffs, Amanda smirking when he throws her a glare and stomps toward the door like a cranky toddler being told to sit in the corner for a time-out.
She flashes Fin a brief smile and mouths a grateful "thank you", relieved when the door closes behind the two men and she is alone with Olivia. The sergeant has stopped screaming and whimpering, but remains huddled against the wall with her eyes squeezed shut, her breathing ragged and beads of sweat lining her forehead.
"Liv, it's just me," Amanda announces softly, taking another cautious step toward the bed and trying to get a better look at her face. "The guys are gone. It's just us girls here now. You're safe."
Amanda notices a thin quilt and a cluster of threadbare blankets strewn around the floor by the bed, like Olivia had ripped them off and cast them aside during her nightmare. She has done this many times herself amidst the terrors that plague her in the wee hours of the morning, the normally warm and cozy bedding feeling as if it's wrapped tightly around her body in a stranglehold and pinning her to the mattress with the weight of a man.
She tries not to become entrenched in her own trauma as she stands over the bed and gazes down at the shaking woman, unable to tell if Olivia is awake or still trapped in whatever horror is happening inside her head. Amanda bends down to the floor and sits back on her knees, not wanting Olivia to open her eyes and see her co-worker towering over her like some kind of creepy voyeur.
She observes the state of Olivia's body as she perches there, whispering words of comfort to the brunette, Olivia's shirt rucked up around her ribs, pant legs twisted, and short hair in a wild tangle around her head. Her cheeks are flushed like she is running a fever, chest moving quickly up and down as she gasps for air, both legs twitching intermittently, and looking for all the world like has been engaging in a battle for her life instead of getting some much-needed rest.
"Liv," Amanda whispers urgently, reaching an arm out to hover uncertainly in the air, unsure if she should attempt to touch her. "Can you open your eyes for me? It's just a dream, okay? It's not really happening. You're safe here in the cribs."
Her heart aches when Olivia groans in agony, wondering what kind of hellscape is behind those closed eyelids, and wishing she could just grab her arms and jerk her into the present moment, securing her in reality. The ocean of guilt that has consumed Amanda since bringing William Lewis into their lives is threatening to drown her, and she has to remind herself that this about Olivia's pain and not her own.
She rests her hand on the pillow beside Olivia's head, fingertips grazing soft stands of dark hair as she tries to provide comfort in any way she can. Amanda is still getting used to seeing Olivia with a much shorter style, but understands her sergeant's need to take control of her own body and make such a drastic change after surviving something so horrific. She had always admired Olivia's long, lustrous hair, but acknowledges how good the shortened style looks as well, the other woman able to pull off anything.
She and Olivia have never been close and it feels strange to be comforting her like this, even though it's all Amanda has wanted to do since Olivia's return. She had longed to be there for the brunette in the immediate aftermath of the torture she had endured over a 4-day period with Lewis, but had never gotten the chance; afraid to assert herself into a situation where she might not be welcome. Loathe to intrude on the older woman's private matters unless Olivia explicitly said otherwise, Amanda had hovered in the background, letting Cragen and Fin and Amaro take more of an active roll in her recovery process and the transition back to work.
She has to admit that Nick's comment about Olivia barely being able to stand her hurts like hell, even though she has wondered more times than she can count if it's actually true. Olivia has never seemed to have much time or patience for her, despite Amanda's initial attempts to connect and get to know her, eventually giving up and settling for a distant working relationship instead of anything closer or friendlier. And it certainly hasn't helped that she has been screwing up on a regular basis since her arrival at SVU a couple of years previous, Olivia's trust in her plummeting to an all-time low recently.
Amanda has been nursing a crush on the older woman since well before joining the unit, and although those feelings haven't abated, she would be more than happy with a mere friendship at this point. She just wants to know that Olivia hasn't been actively hating her this entire time, and that they actually have a chance to move on from a number of circumstances that have been less than ideal between them; hopeful for a fresh start.
"Rollins?"
Amanda is jolted from her reverie by the raspy voice saying her name, and realizes that Olivia is now completely awake, those big brown eyes focused on her with an unsettling helplessness. Olivia looks confused and embarrassed and more vulnerable than Amanda has ever seen her, and she hastily retracts her hand from the silky mop of hair on the pillow, tucking her arm down by her side.
"Hey, you're awake," she replies softly with a tentative smile, unsure of how Olivia is going to react to her presence by her bedside but prepared to back off if the reception isn't a warm one.
"What's going on?" Olivia clears her throat, her voice hoarse and her features tense.
"I was coming up here to get some sleep and I heard you having a nightmare," Amanda explains gently, shifting backwards on her knees until she isn't quite so close to the bed, figuring Olivia will appreciate the space.
"You heard me? Was I...was I screaming?" She watches the older woman wince after asking the question in a hesitant tone, sounding fearful of the answer.
"Yeah, you were, but only for a minute," Amanda assures her tenderly, knowing all too well the mortification of having your nightmare-induced shrieks overheard by others.
"Did anyone else hear me?" Olivia looks frantically around the room as if trying to spot any of their squad members lurking in the shadows.
"Fin and Amaro did, but they left right away," Amanda says quietly, wishing Olivia felt safe enough with her to lack embarrassment, but guessing they have a long way to go to reach that point. "For the most part, it's just been the two of us."
Olivia nods without speaking, her gaze darting away as she occupies herself with rearranging her rumpled clothing and smoothing her hair back into place. Amanda leans down to pick up the discarded quilt and blankets from the floor and tries to hand them back to Olivia, assuming she doesn't want to be covered up by her detective.
When Olivia doesn't make a move to retrieve the blankets from her, Amanda decides to take a chance and lay them lightly over Olivia's body, tucking her in with shaky hands before backing away once more.
"Thank you," the brunette whispers, an awkward silence falling over them as Amanda tries without success to get Olivia to meet her gaze again.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she finally asks, surprised by how much she wants to lean over and wrap the shuddering figure in an embrace.
Although Olivia is not shy with offering physical affection when someone needs it, especially to the victims they work with on a daily basis, Amanda is generally not the touchy-feely type, and certainly not with a woman who can barely stand her. But there is something about the rare display of vulnerability from Olivia and what she knows her sergeant has been through over the past few months, that has Amanda longing to reach out and wrap her up in her arms.
"I don't know," Olivia mumbles in reply, still refusing to look at her. "I don't think there's much to talk about. The dream is already fading. I can hardly remember it now."
"Do you dream about him a lot?" Amanda decides on a bold inquiry, even though she knows it won't go over well.
"About who?" Olivia responds sharply, those intense brown eyes locking onto hers at last, stormy with emotion and glimmering with unshed tears.
"You know who, Liv," Amanda chastises softly, taking another chance and resting a hand on the mattress beside Olivia's leg, trying to push down that desperation to reach over and engulf her in a comforting hug, eager to soothe away all of that pent-up distress. "You can talk to me, you know. Anything you say will stay between us. I know we've had trust issues in the past, but you can trust me on this, I promise. I know what you're going through."
The words are out of her mouth before she even registers what she is saying, Amanda snapping her lips shut and blushing to the roots of her hair, blue eyes widening at her appalling mistake. She hadn't meant to make this about her; hadn't meant to initiate some sort of bonding experience by bringing up her own trauma that she has successfully kept hidden from her squad since her transfer from Atlanta. She wishes there was some way she could take back what she has said, hopeful that Olivia has been too swept up in the aftermath of her nightmare to pay much attention, but one glance at the other woman's expression and Amanda knows she is caught and Olivia won't let it go.
"You know what I'm going through?"
Amanda is panicking now, a loud buzzing sound filling her ears as her heart rate skyrockets, and she is unable to decipher Olivia's tone; whether the older woman is curious or concerned or mocking. She curses her sleep-deprived brain for its inability to stop her from talking when she had needed to the most, sinking down into a sitting position on the floor and turning around so her back is leaning against the bed.
The silence descends again and Amanda is at a loss for words, guilt-ridden and consumed with dread as an apology hovers on the tip of her tongue, when she feels careful fingers combing through her hair. She is immediately awash in tingles from head to toe, utter shock momentarily overtaking the strangling anxiety, and stopping her from scrambling to come up with an explanation that doesn't involve mentioning Charles Patton.
"You can talk to me too, Amanda."
The words are spoken so softly and gently, not a hint of anger to be heard, and Amanda's eyes fill with tears in response. She has occasionally wondered what it would be like to release her hefty burden, setting in down at someone else's feet for a little while, but can't fathom doing that to Olivia in this moment; not while the other woman is struggling so terribly with her own demons. The last thing Olivia needs right now is to take on her detective's trauma, consoling the one who is supposed to be doing the consoling, and Amanda is determined to pull herself together.
Though she is adamant on keeping her mouth shut and not expanding any further on her knowledge of what Olivia is going through, Amanda is horrified to find the tears overflowing and spilling down her cheeks in a seemingly unending waterfall, the final shred of her control fraying rapidly and about to snap. She sniffs roughly in a valiant effort to hold back another round of tears, floundering in her attempts to stay calm and collected, but is powerless against the deluge that is now soaking her face and dripping onto her shirt. She knows the more she cries, the more Olivia will persist in her questioning, but cannot manage to rein herself in no matter how hard she tries or how loudly she lectures herself inside her head.
"Amanda, turn around and look at me, please."
"No." Her voice is choked with sobs when she speaks, disgusted by her behavior and feeling a sudden need to flee. "I'm really sorry, Liv. I didn't mean for this to happen. I'll leave you alone."
"Amanda, come up here right now." The words are spoken mildly but there is an undercurrent of authority evident, Olivia's usual confidence breaking through the lingering anguish of her nightmare.
Amanda slowly whirls around, blonde bangs obscuring her vision as her head hangs in shame and the tears continue to fall, slouching on the floor until she feels a hand on her shoulder. Long fingers slide down her arm to encircle her wrist and give an encouraging tug, Amanda climbing onto the bed with stiff limbs and clumsy movements, regardless of her better judgement.
Once they are seated side by side on the narrow mattress, Amanda has no idea what to do next, her earlier intentions of comforting Olivia falling by the wayside at her sudden emotional outburst. She doesn't have to wait long to figure it out because she finds herself gathered into a strong embrace a moment later, her head coming to rest on Olivia's shoulder as the brunette pulls the bedding around their entwined bodies, cocooning them in the warmth of assorted blankets.
She is stunned into silence at this gesture, unsure of what to say as she snuggles beneath the covers with the woman she is supposed to be taking care of, Olivia's hand tracing soothing patterns along her back. But instead of Amanda imparting the comfort she has been so desperate to give, Olivia is holding her smaller frame in a delicate hug while rocking her languidly back and forth.
Amanda is so overcome with emotion that she is blurting out a string of apologizes before she can stop herself, repeating "I'm sorry" over and over again while her mind spins with a dizzying array of confusing thoughts.
She doesn't even know her exact reason for apologizing; whether it's for bringing William Lewis into Olivia's life, for breaking down when she is supposed to be the stable one, or for screwing up in general.
It could be a combination of everything but whatever the reason, the damn has now burst wide open, Amanda clutching Olivia in a tight grip and weeping like she will never stop.
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*Song lyrics are from The Pretenders' "I'll Stand by You"