Warning! This story contains triggering content. Suicide. Mention of self harm. Past Bullying. Depression, Not eating due to depression.

I couldn't even start to explain what this is or where it came from. Its pretty dark I am not entirely sure I have ever written something like this before. This is pretty heavy so please, please consider the trigger warnings.

Izuku stood on the edge of the roof, as he did most days he was in school. The words repeated over and over in his head on the really bad days, those were the days he let his toes cross the edge of the roof. Because those were the days he truly considered taking the 'advice' his crush had given him.

It wasn't Kacchan's fault his words hurt much more than others. How was he to know Izuku loved him? How was he to know those few years of happiness would lead to that? His courage, and confidence that bled into Izuku whenever he was near? That the way he fiercely defended him when people picked on him, sometimes violently? Most boys don't fall in love with their best friends. So when Kacchan turned his attention onto him these days, it was harder. Worse than other kids hurling insults, or food, or fists at him. It was as if he was taking a knife and twisting it into his gut, his heart, as if he was wrapping his large hand around Izuku's throat and cutting off all the air until it was painful.

He held his burnt shoulder, tears in his eyes as he remembered the cold, hateful look from the one he couldn't let go of. The one who had his heart and would rather blow it up in his palms than accept it. The wind was cold, biting at his skin, causing the scars and cuts on his arm to sting with each brush of his sleeves. They would graduate tomorrow, and Izuku wasn't sure he could take it anymore. Being quirkless, being lower than villains, being nothing but a burden to those around him.

It wasn't as if he hadn't considered taking the jump, if anyone had seen his arms they'd know. But the fact was, he could never do it. Not this way, not when he didn't know for sure if it would haunt Kacchan for the rest of his life or not. To kill himself the exact way he had so maliciously said with no care in the world to his pain. He wouldn't risk it. The school grounds were silent, everyone long gone and Izuku fell back to the roof as he let out a quiet whimper. He needed to treat his shoulder... he'd left it all day, ignoring the searing pain from the burns, likely second degree.

Katsuki didn't hold back. Some were worse, from where the small explosions were set off between the hand and shoulder, they were deeper. Izuku wasn't sure he could keep going anymore. He'd had days where he considered it, and days he cut deeper in hopes it'll numb the pain of his heart but it didn't work. He couldn't talk to his mum. She would be so upset to know Kacchan was being so cruel and it'd affect her relationship with Mrs Bakugo.

The teachers didn't care, they had blatantly ignored the bullying as it happened. He had nobody anymore because the one he had turned away and became one of his tormentors. But worse, he still loved him. Or at the very least he figured he loved the memories of him. Walking home in the dimming streets he stopped at the bridge, it was a long fall, and he may get swept off in the river... there'd be no funeral, no mess to clean up, no funeral to pay for... no evidence of his torment. What would he really be holding onto if he lived? A life of torment, likely worse than what he had from stupid kids, keeping himself and his mother in debt because he was constantly in and out of the emergency room, his mother stuck alone cause no man wants to deal with a quirkless kid.

And he would be alone, forever. That was what he had to look forward to, a life of isolation until someone beat him to death for simply existing. He put his hands on the railing leaning over as he looked at the rushing water far beneath. Yeah, today was a bad day. And a part of him realised he was spiralling further than he had ever. But he was tired, and he felt the permanent solution was good for a permanent problem. It wasn't a case of life would get better after school, because it wouldn't. Nobody who was quirkless survived very long and he'd rather go quickly than slowly. He'd read the ways others had died, how they had suffered and plenty of them ended up blowing their own heads off. He knew it'd hurt his mum, but she would heal, and maybe finally get her life back. She had Mrs Bakugo, he knew she'd look after her.

Slowly he lifted his arm, wincing as his shoulder burned reminding him he was injured. He ignored it as he heaved himself up holding the support beam and stood on the railing. Wrapping his arm around it to hold him steady he looked up to the sky. The sun was setting, the sky on fire with red and orange. He smiled wryly as he thought of Kacchan. Yeah, he'd be better off too. He couldn't bother him anymore, following him round like a lost puppy trying to get his friend back. Lifting his head back completely and closing his eyes as a calm washed over him. He wouldn't be missed by anyone but his mum. And he'd be washed away into the ocean, no issues with a funeral. He wished he could write her a letter, but he didn't want to change his mind. He was ready, and he was tired. He leant forward and when his arm gave him no more room to lean he let go

"HEY!" a voice yelled as Izuku felt like he was yanked and it winded him as he heard an all too familiar grunt. He was dangling over the water, the pressure on his stomach making him feel sick, as a wave of heat crashed over him. That was Kacchan, he realised and looked up to see the blonde bent over the railing arms big and bursting with his effort to keep hold of Izuku. He looked terrified, and pissed.

"Grab. The. Railing" he growled through clenched teeth. Izuku just reacted as his heart pounded and did as he was told. The fear in Kacchan's eyes hurt and he wanted it to stop, it wasn't right. And it didn't belong on his face. He wasn't scared of anything and it had to be stopped. Once his hand was on the bars leaving him in an awkward angle Kacchan huffed reaching for his wrist. It hurt, and he felt the cuts open up.

"Right. Pull yourself up" he ordered and let his top go to quickly grab his other wrist and pull. Izuku did the same using his feet to push up between the bars He felt his wrists and shoulder burn, his shoulder hit railing then his ribs dragged across it painfully. He hit the floor with a thud and he cried out. Kacchan landed next to him chest heaving as he was breathing heavily

"The fuck was that!?" He yelled sitting up and looking furious. Izuku felt his eyes sting at the tears, the fear of being caught and really it was his own fault. He hadn't even bothered to check if people were around.

"What are you doing here?" Izuku asked his throat was tight and speaking hurt. But he was tired, and he wasn't sure he could cope with more abuse. His hand came to his shoulder, trying to ignore the pain. Kacchan's eyes flickered to the movement before looking back up to Izuku's eyes.

"You've been... off" he grumbled "more than usual" he said grudgingly

Izuku shook his head and didn't understand his words

"So?" He frowned confusion washing over him why would his lack of enthusiasm be a concern? He got like that sometimes, on the really bad days. Nobody had cared before, Kacchan never cared before.

"You run off to the roof almost all the time but don't fucking notice someone watching you!?" He yelled ignoring the question. But this only increased his confusion, Kacchan followed him? Why?

"I would never jump off the roof" he sighed getting to his feet ignoring the scoff from the blonde. He needed to leave, it was just too painful to have him pretend he cared. At least he proved he didn't want him to die, he supposed but the fear of guilt wasn't what he wanted. He walked away, heading home, he hurt and his mind was still drowning in the need to go over the bridge. It felt like his salvation, he'd hit the water and then be free. He just wanted to be free of it all. The pain, the torment, the fear of his pitiful future.

"I didn't think you were fucking stupid Deku!" Kacchan yelled after him and Izuku only bowed his head, hugging himself.

"What's so stupid?" He muttered and picked up his pace, it was pointless, unless he ran with full force he wouldn't lose him. But he was so tired. His legs were shaking and he just wanted to curl up in a ball and forget everything. Before he could react Kacchan was in front of him and his head landed on his chest. He gasped stepping back tripping over his foot. Kacchan caught him by his good shoulder and held him steady taking a deep breath.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" He asked his voice low, shaking and even a little softer than usual. And Izuku felt the tears spring to his eyes at the memory of his friend who looked after him. The one who cared and got angry for him, not at him. He shook his head pulling back his shoulder and winced. Kacchan's face fell as Izuku hovered his hand over the burn. Before he could even get over it his wrist was grasped and he was all but dragged behind the blonde

"Kac- Katsuki?" He stuttered correcting himself at the last second and the way his shoulders tensed, his muscles coiling sent nausea over Izuku. He hated the nickname, hated it when it slipped out and usually ended with Izuku being shoved onto the floor, or the wall, or small explosions aimed at his feet. But none of that happened and the next thing he knew he was being pulled up the Bakugo's drive opposite his own home.

The house was dark, which meant his dad was still at work and his mother was likely at Izuku's house. Kacchan hadn't said a word, he didn't let Izuku go as he turned on the lights and lead the way up to his room. He pulled Izuku roughly toward the bed, pulling his arm to turn him back to face him before pushing lightly on his chest. The back of Izuku's legs hit the bed causing him to sit with a small 'oof'. Eyes wide and bright with tears he watched as Kacchan stormed out the room leaving him alone.

He could hear his heart as he looked around the once familiar room, it hadn't changed much, the bed was bigger, and the All Might bedding was changed to simple grey and orange design. There was a desk where all his toys used to be. He could hear his heart in his ears as he began breathing harder. Why was he here? It hurt, to see the changes and not have been a part of them. It hurt to be in this room where he used to feel safe, like he belonged but he felt out of place now, and he needed to get out before he felt like he was going to be ejected out like he was all those years ago.

Panic started to build in his chest as it felt like the air wasn't making its way through him properly. He had to get out of here. What if Kacchan saw he gave up and was glad for it? What if worse was to come? He knew he was being irrational, it's not like Kacchan was evil, he wanted to be a hero. But he was pulled too thin and he really couldn't cope anymore. Standing up he moved to run out the room only for the second time to run into the hard chest. Pins and needles shot through his hands and spine as he stepped back quickly.

"Off" he ordered pulling on Izuku's jacket as he walked in giving Izuku no other choice but to walk back until he was back on the bed, Kacchan standing over him. He shook his head tears finally falling. The look of disbelief on Kacchan's face surprised him, the way he knelt to the floor just freaked him out.

"Let me treat your shoulder, idiot" he said softer and it only caused him to tense. He didn't like it, he didn't want to have kindness from him only to be ripped away tomorrow. Though, he supposed it wouldn't matter. He didn't intend to go to graduation. He knew he had passed, but only because the teacher kept him at passing grades, no matter how much he tried, and then when he gave up, they continued to do it. For the last two months he'd only gone to school to stare out windows, he'd stopped bringing his journals, he'd stopped studying people and their quirks because they'd only get destroyed, or stolen. He felt as if his entire purpose of getting out of bed was to be tormented and he was just so tired of it. "Deku, take it off" he said his voice a little more stern

"I'll be fine, I'll take care of it at home" he said quietly, looking at his feet, only as he was did he notice the first aid kit in Kacchan's hand. His voice was barely audible and he wondered if Kaachan heard it. There was a heavy sigh as Kacchan put the box on the bed next to Izuku.

"Do you not want me to touch you?" He asked as Izuku wiped at the tears. It caused him to stop breathing because his mind took it as a sneer, that he knew how he felt and was rubbing it in. But a part of him realised that wasn't the case. He must have known it was different, he'd burned him, seared his fingers into his skin and marked him forever. Izuku shook his head quickly and wasn't sure if he was saying no he didn't want him to touch him, or no that wasn't the problem.

He knew the biggest fear was exposing his arms, that's what stopped him. Showing just how skinny, and bruised he was from the daily abuse, and the lack of food he had the last two months. He saw Kacchan flinch and guilt stabbed at his chest. He didn't want to make him feel bad, he didn't like seeing anything other than his happy, confident countenance. He let his shoulders fall as he gave in and unzipped his jacket taking it off. Kacchan watched him silently, not moving as if he was worried he'd scuttle off like a frightened cat at the slightest motion.

His black, long sleeve top was too big for him, and the neck was stretched from all the times people had pulled on it. So it fell over his skinny, boney shoulder. The burn poked out a bit but he could feel the fabric pull on the burn. It covered his collarbone and the top of his shoulder. He frowned at it not looking forward to peeling off the top from the dried blood and puss. Kacchan sat up on his knees eyes guarded, brows knitting together ever so slightly.

"It's stuck to it" he whispered and flinched at the blondes hiss of a curse before getting up and leaving again. He looked to the book shelf, filled with both comics and books. His heart dropped at the sight of one of his journals. The one he had for Kachhan... with ideas for suits when he would inevitably go to UA. Why was it here? Jugo stole it from him almost six months ago. It made no sense. He straightened up as he heard Kacchan approaching with gauze and a tube of burn gel. He knelt down in front of him again twisting the lid off and putting a small amount on the gauze. He looked up to Izuku, red eyes soft and pleading. He didn't understand why it was there but he wasn't sure he liked it.

"Can I?" He asked tightly at Izuku's nod he leant forward "this'll sting a bit" he whispered apologetically. But Izuku only shrugged his good shoulder.

Kacchan was close, his breath warming Izuku's neck, making the burn, well, burn from the heat of his proximity. He'd almost freed the top and neither had spoken in the entire process and Izuku honestly wasn't even sure what he would say. He had considered maybe he had succeeded, he'd hit the water and was dying, hallucinating the entire thing. Because it made no sense for Kacchan to be so gentle, for his journal to be here. He felt the last bit of fabric tug free and looked to see Kacchan pale and swallow loudly as he kept going to look at the damage.

Yeah, not surprising. There it was red, raw and bleeding some, Kacchan's hand. The fabric fell over his shoulder easily and he hadn't realised just how stretched out the top was. It'd burnt through his blazer and top he'd had to change into his top and hoodie. He had to throw them away as the smell of his burnt flesh stuck to it. He closed his eyes trying to think how he would explain the lost uniform to his mother. Kacchan moved to the box and pulled out a clear tub with some yellowish ointment in it.

"It's good for burns, help heal it quicker too... it's for mum, she isn't as well protected as me and Dad so if there's an accident..." he trailed off and it was the most Izuku had heard him talk directly to him without and insult or snarl on his face for a long time. He swallowed again looking a little sick "I don't think it'll stop the scarring though" he said flinching at the end. Izuku only nodded unable to even find his voice. He felt bad he finally realised, that's what this was. It must have been why he was following him too. His phone went off in his pocket, All Mights voice booming out "Go Beyond"

He pulled it out trying to ignore the light pressure he felt on the burn. Not as concerned as he should be that it felt numb. A text from his mum. He didn't even bother to reply, she always text then immediately- his phone rang and he sighed trying to muster up the energy to sound happy.

"Izuku! It's late, where are you?" She asked her voice higher than usual, clearly worried

"I'm just heading home. I won't be long" he said brightly and he winced at how forced it sounded, even to his ears.

"What is taking you so long?" She asked

"My Uniform was stolen after Gym. I stayed behind to look for it. No luck though" he lied noting Kacchan smothering more of the burn gel on a dressing he had cut in random places before placing it on his shoulder and collarbone. Wiping his hands on his pants he snatched the phone from Izuku.

"Hey, Aunt Inko. He is at my house. I was thinking he could stay? We can head to graduation together cause we don't have to be in until after lunch?" Izuku gaped at him and tried to reach for the phone but his hand was smacked away then a finger pointed at him in warning. Red eyes boring into him threateningly. And the threat was loud and clear, shut it or he tells. He couldn't hear his Mum so he wasn't sure what she must think of the sudden invite.

"Thanks Aunt Inko" he said happily though his face was still a mask of pissed of warning. He hung up the phone and threw it gently on the bed, landing next to Izuku's leg. There was no explanation given, no apology, he just cleared away the first aid kit, picking up the rubbish and storming out of the room. What just happened? He looked down to see the dressing snug on the burn, but not tight. He supposed it made sense Kacchan should know how to treat the burns. He returned with a glass of water and ibuprofen. Izuku refused

"I'm not gonna fucking drug you!" He snapped and Izuku shook his head

"I can't feel anything" he explained and his eyes widened

"Before or after the ointment?" He asked almost shouting. Izuku reeled back eyes wide, fear shooting through him.

"After" he squeaked unsure why this was such a problem. When the blonde sagged and let out a relieved breath Deku relaxed slightly

"That's normal, but it's gonna hurt later, and it's inflamed, this'll help" he explained holding the items out to Izuku once more. He didn't want to fight about it so he took them and sat awkwardly on the bed.

What was the point in pushing him to stay? What was the point in helping him? What was the point in any of this right now? He knew he should ask but truthfully he was scared to ruin it. It may hurt, but he couldn't take his normal behaviour right now.

He lay on his good side his head at the foot of the bed closing his heavy, sore eyes.

Opening his eyes to the dark room he didn't feel like moving, but his shoulder was on fire. There was light coming in through the ajar door and he had a blanket over him. He could feel the dip in the bed behind him and that's when he realised he was at the head of the bed, a pillow under his head. Heat was hitting his back and he felt his heart pick up as the burning faded away due to his utter panic and nerves. Twisting his head he saw the wild blonde hair. He had to control his breathing, remembering not to get worked up and wake up the explosive teen. Why was he in bed with him?! Slowly pulling his leg free to touch the floor. He attempted to silently slide from the bed but an iron grasp took hold of his wrist and he swears his soul left his body

"Where are you going?" Came the deep, sleepy voice and Izuku for a moment forgot reality and swooned at the sound as the guy of his affections turned his head to look at him. Kacchan hit puberty early, he knew no other Ffifteen year old with a voice that deep. He remembered four months ago when he came to school sounding so... he shook his head. It didn't matter

"My shoulder" he whispered and the blonde seemed to wake up immediately because he sat up and let go of Izuku to reach for the same tub of ointment from earlier on the side drawers.

"Can I?" He asks pointing to the revealed dressing. Izuku only nodded letting him slowly peel it back and Izuku wanted to cry when the cool night air touched it, biting his lip. Kacchan was focused, moving slowly and gently, he paid attention this time, as it slowly went numb and the bite of the pain eased. He had to wonder what exactly was in it. His eyes pulled back to the shelf, the light was dim and he couldn't tell if his journal was there, maybe he made it up. Once the dressing was back in place Kacchan sat back watching Izuku. The room became tense and suddenly Izuku knew he needed to escape. He needed to avoid this no matter what.

"Why?" He finally asked voice gruff, thick as if there was a lump in his throat.

Izuku shrugged and avoided looking at him, he had nothing to say really, and he had no intention of telling Kacchan the truth of how he felt. He wasn't worth the worry anyway, he wasn't exactly needed or wanted. Whatever Kacchan was doing right now he didn't want to know. Some killing him with kindness crap was just worse. He just lay back on the bed and hoped whatever had gotten into him would fade when he had to face his friends later. Because no way would he be this way in front of his friends.

-

It was morning and Izuku felt heavy, he felt the morning light through his lids suck away his energy at the prospect of leaving his bed. He pulled the duvet over his head stifling the groan.

"Oi"

Izuku's eyes shot open as his heart picked up. He knew that voice and then everything from the day before came back causing him to curl up into a ball under the duvet. He didn't want to deal with it, he didn't want to see Kacchan go back to his usual self or keep up the kindness both hurt and he couldn't try to figure out what was going on

"Get up idiot" he ordered "It's past eleven and you need to get ready"

Izuku shook his head groaning, that wasn't what he wanted to do, he wanted to sleep, stay in bed and be left alone. It was graduation and he'd made it. Dammit leave me alone.

"Deku! Get out of the bed and wash up" Kacchan snapped and a something soft and weighted landed on his legs. Dragging the duvet off his head squinting from the light he looked to see a towel. Sighing he pushed himself up, his shoulder aching and got out the bed

"I'll wash up at home" he mumbled walking past the blonde

"That's stu-"

"It's right across the street" Izuku interrupted his voice quiet and missing its usual chipper tone. He saw the blonde clench his fists, small muffled popping coming from them. The smell of burnt flesh filled his nose and he couldn't move, the memory of his hand on his back, holding him in place while he scarred him. His feral, fanged grin watching him as he used all his will power not to make a sound, he wasn't sure what would happen if a teacher saw him physically being burnt by another pupil. And he still didn't want to get him in trouble. He saw a look of sickness pass over the Kacchan in front of him before he relaxed his hands shaking them slightly.

"You look like shit. You'll only worry our mums if they see you like that. Go shower dammit" he stormed past Izuku who looked to the towel. He had no spare clothes, and he really didn't want the Bakugo's to see how bad he really was. He sighed taking the towel and heading to the bathroom. Showering was hard, the warm water felt scorching on his shoulder, even under the dressing.

Burns sucked, he decided. Any little heat felt like you had the area back on the fire. In the end he gave up and just had a very luke warm, almost cold shower. Wrapping the towel around his waist he caught sight if himself in the mirror. It hadn't bothered him before, the small frame, the way you could see his bones, the bruises and cuts. Some new, some healing, because nobody would care to see and hiding it from his mum was easy. But Mrs Bakugo would care, and she would be as upset as his mum. And he was afraid to let Kacchan see. It'd just be another way he would see he was weak and worthless that he wasn't built to survive in this world. Which was all true but didn't mean he liked hearing it. The knock on the door made him gasp and jump

"Brought you some spare clothes. They may not fit well but it'll get you home" Kachhan said through the door before he opened the door

and Izuku slammed his hand on the door stopping it's movement "the hell nerd!?" Kacchan yelled

"Just leave them inside the door" he called breathlessly trying to calm his shaking. He saw the tanned hands come through the gap and leave them on the floor before disappearing for him to close the door. Looking at the inevitable vest as his stomach turned. Damn Kacchan and his vests he thought and wondered what the chances were he would get to his hoodie before Kacchan saw him. He quickly dressed drying his hair as best he could, giving up the fight before it started. His hair was so thick it would never dry completely without a hair dryer. Deciding to use the towel to cover his forearms he ran to Kacchans room a hot wave of relief washing over him when he realised the room was empty.

He could hear Kacchan yelling at his mum down stairs. Swiftly putting the green hoodie on he zipped it up and sighed, feeling less exposed. The stress was too much, he wasn't used to being so precautious. Picking up his phone and pocketing it, then his clothes and carrying them down stairs. He found Kacchan and Mrs Bakugo in the dining room with a plate set up for him. They had no plate but he supposed it was late and they had already eaten. The clock read it was almost midday and Kacchan probably needed to get ready for graduation.

"Izuku, dear" Mrs Bakugo smiled patting the space next to her, opposite Kacchan

"Thanks for having me" he smiled cheerfully "sorry I'm so late"

"It's okay, not everyone is stuck to their routine no matter what" she chuckled while Kacchan glared at her

"Discipline is needed for a hero" he muttered at her and while Izuku was sure he was making his point it some how felt like a dig at him. Spouting all the nonsense of being a hero, being number one no less it would make sense for Kacchan to point out he had not been up to the standard, especially the last few months. So Izuku smiled weakly with a small nervous laugh. Thanking her for the food and forcing the big breakfast down. He'd not eaten so much in a long time, and he knew he'd throw it up when he got home.

"Do you know where you're going?" Mrs Bakugo asked and Izuku

"Oh U.A obviously" he grinned widely pulling up all his old enthusiasm

"You barely graduated" Kacchan said surprised, the usual condescending tone was absent, which wasn't surprising given his mum's presence but it still felt like a punch to the gut.

"I passed the entrance exam" Izuku shrugged and focused on his food. The room got quiete, missing the usual argumentative love between the mother and son. He looked up to see them looking at each other and realised they sensed something was going on. Did his mum know? Is that why he was being nice? Did she find out about how he was treating Izuku and was forcing him to be nice? His eyes stung at the thought because that was worse, and it made him feel pathetic. Because he wanted Kacchan to want to be his friend, he didn't want it forced.

He stood after his food thanking Mrs Bakugo and saying he'd see them at the graduation. He wouldn't, he was going back to bed. His mum was working and she wouldn't be there either. He had no reason to pretend to be happy about it. He already second guessed his choice to go to U.A. his life was hard enough now, nevermind at a school explicitly there to create heroes, and those bullies were likely going to be worse. When he was leaving closing the door behind him a hand stopped it. Sighing at the persistence from his old friend where was this months ago?

"Hey, we will drive you okay? I'll come and get you at ten-to-one"

Thats it.

"I'm not going" he deapanned "don't bother"

"Hey! You-"

"Just stop it okay" Izuku whispered harshly holding his free hand up "just... it's too much so just stop pretending"

Kacchan looked like he had been punched in the gut but Izuku couldn't bring himself to care. He'd feel bad later, he just wanted his bed. The one place he never had to pretend he was okay.

Closing the door to his house he fell against it, he may have slept for more than a full night but he felt like he needed more. But that wasn't anything new to him these days.

-

He woke up to pain on his shoulder, his face scrunched up as he realised that he hadn't taken anything for it since the night before. He looked at his clock and saw it was almost Four. He'd been asleep all day after throwing up the wonderful breakfast Mrs Bakugo had made him he crawled into bed and hadn't moved. He probably should change the dressings anyway he thought pulling the duvet down only to frown at the rolled up paper on his bedside table. Reaching his hand up and grunting in pain as he remembered his shoulder.

"You're up" Came the all too familiar voice and Izuku let his arm fall as he buried his head into his pillow.

"What are you doing here?" He mumbled into the pillow

"Covering for you" he said his voice sounding slightly strained as a sign he was getting up "have you changed the dressing?"

"I was about to" he answered into his pillow

"Well thats a good sign I suppose" he said and then Izuku's body turned cold as the duvet was pulled off him. He glared up at Kacchan more than annoyed now.

"You know my room is the only place I have that I don't worry about myself so get out" he snapped

"You're in pain right?" Kacchan asked holding up the magic ointment and Izuku bit back his urge to push the blonde out of the room "I brought clean gauze and dressing too"

Izuku sat up and held his hand out for it

"I'll do it" he said not even moving to hand over the ointment

"I'm going to do it" Izuku said

"Well with what I saw yesterday for all I know you don't care if you get an infection" he said picking up the bag near the wall, where Izuku assumed he had been sitting. With one of his journals. Great, so not only does he take away his happiness, safety and sanity. He's invading his privacy at home too.

"Because you care so much" he muttered unzipping his hoodie enough to let Kacchan do what he needed

"I deserve that" he said softly nodding as he carefully peeled the dressing off. Izuku didn't speak, he was only waiting for Kacchan to be done and then he would send him off. His breathing was smoother when the pain subsiding.

"Just tell me why?" Kacchan pleaded his voice was tense and Izuku couldn't even remember if he had ever heard it. The... fear? "Did you... let go?"

He didn't want to tell him, he didn't want to risk Kacchan feeling responsible because he was a part of the reason. The movement on his shoulder stopped and Kacchan sat back on his knees still looking up to Izuku, waiting for an answer.

"Why does it suddenly matter to you?" He asked flatly "why are you here? Why were you following me? Stop asking me why when I have millions of them for you!" He snapped finally losing his patients "just get out. My room is the one place I am safe. Just because our mums are friends doesn't mean I will let you take that too"

He was breathing fast, the urge to let it all spill out bubbling under the surface and he wasn't sure he would hold back if he let it out now. The blonde stood up, head down his hair hiding his eyes. He didn't speak or look to Izuku as he left the room and sat against the wall opposite in.

"I know you don't trust me, and that's well deserved" he said "And I know I said-" he cut off his voice sounding strangled and Izuku was horrified to see tears falling down the blondes cheek "I don't want that. I didn't mean it, I swear it just-" he shook his head and Izuku was frozen to his spot on the bed. This isn't an act... Kacchan wouldn't cry for a prank, he wouldn't cry for anything so if he was now... he must be stretched out to his limit. It occurred to Izuku then how their interactions had completely flipped. He had barely spoke, while Kacchan had kept trying. He had not cried a quarter as much as he usually would and here Kacchan was breaking down

"Then yesterday I just... you hadn't been yourself, and I just wanted you to look at me. To just... react to something. But the look pissed me off you weren't you, you had no emotion and my hands just- I didn't realise" he was breathing fast his chest heaving as he broke down his hand over his face the sound of popping could be heard and before he could think about it he was in front of Kacchan pulling his hands away from his face. Kacchan froze looking at him with wide eyes the popping still happening but thankfully weren't increasing.

"Kach-Katsuki, don't burn your face" he said quickly letting him go and the other boys face crumpled as he bowed his head shoulders shaking

"I noticed you go the roof a lot and you'd been so off it really started to scare me so..."

"You followed me, for how long?" Izuku asked

"Almost two months" he admitted wiping away the still falling tears with his wrist. "I'm so fucking sorry Izuku!" He choked out and that was it. He couldn't stop himself from leaning forward and putting his arms around the blonde "I drove you to-"

"Stop" he whispered and the blonde slowly buried his head on his good shoulder and put his arms around him. Only to tense and pull back his hands moving to his sides and Izuku actually internally cursed. Before he could move Kacchan had lifted his shirt and another broken sob left him.

"Fucking hell" he choked out while Izuku let him go and pulled down his shirt ashamed and embarrassed. "Izuku!" He choked out

"It's fine" he mumbled

"Fine!?" He yelled "You're skin and bone, there are-"

"I know but it's no big deal"

The blonde clenched his jaw shaking his head slowly and the guilt, Izuku now understood washed over his face.

"It's not your fault" he shrugged which was only half true. Kacchan had never actually hurt him enough to leave bruises, until yesterday that was. But his words and utter disregard were always more painful than anything else. But some of the bruises and cuts weren't even from kids and that's what scared him about his future. But the blonde didn't look convinced. Besides he had done more damage to his body than anyone else, how could he blame any of them. Especially Kacchan

"When was the last time you ate?" He asked "Before this morning" He added

"Yesterday morning" he admitted. Because that's when his mum makes breakfast and he always eats that. But it was always a small breakfast, nothing like the one he had this morning

"Did you keep down? What have you had today?" He asked and Izuku shook his head looking at the floor between their knees. "If I promise I won't be a dick" he started taking a breath "Let me help you"

"No" he answered quicker than he thought he would have ever believed before. Because two months ago he would have accepted it in a heartbeat. And if the look of surprise on Kacchan's face was any indication he thought so too. But the truth was it was just too hard

"Deku" he sighed

"No, Katsuki. It's... I don't want hope just to have it torn away" it'll kill me

"I'm no-"

"I can't" he interrupted and flinched at the strong grip on his arms

"And I don't want you to die!" He yelled his hands quickly coming away before the popping sounded as his chest heaved more "I can't..." he trailed off eyes wild as they looked over Izuku "I can't be at your funeral. I can't bury you"

"And you won't" he said

It wasn't a lie, he would go on to U.A and forget about the stupid, quirkless kid that followed him around like a lost puppy. He'd go on to be the Number One hero and Izuku would be a distant memory. He'll be long buried before he ever thought about him again. And Izuku wasn't entirely sure he didn't hold some resentment toward him for it. Because now he knew, he knew Kacchan was acting out of frustration and probably a pressure to fit in. This all proved to him that if he had killed himself it would haunt Kacchan for the rest of his life. So his decision was made, he'd go on, go through his life until someone killed him. And the idea he was going to suffer for longer was what hurt, that he'd watch Kacchan fulfil their dream and forget about him.

"You jumped off a bridge" Kacchan hissed

"Yeah, and you caught me" he sighed getting up "I'm not gonna do it again. You've made sure of that" he whispered "so please just go. You pretending, or acting out of guilt isn't going to help me"

"There is guilt, obviously! I am a peice of shit but I'm not pretending. I want you back" he said and Izuku halted as he let out a breathy, incredulous laugh. Why did that sound like an ex coming back to beg for another chance? "Your personality I mean. After I said-what I did you just faded away and it was all wrong. More and more of you was just gone" he looked so lost and it made Izuku feel weird.

"Well, now I know. You don't want me to die so I'm sure I'll get over the words" he said flatly and again Kacchan winced.

"Please, Izuku- just please let me help you. Let me try to make it up to you in this one miniscule way" he frowned "Nothing will ever make it okay, and I could apologise until I am blue in the face and it wouldn't be enough. But dammit let me get you healthy"

He was on his knees, begging and Izuku couldn't deny him. He knew he was making a mistake, he knew he was only going to be a broken mess when Kacchan left to U.A but he couldn't say no.

"Okay" he forced out nodding "fine I'll... try to eat" he stuttered. Kacchan was on his feet immediately and left for the kitchen.

If anyone is dealing with any of the concerns raised in this fic I wish you all the strength and support I can from across a screen.

Please, please reach out to someone whether it be a friend, or a teacher, someone you work with and let them help you get where you need to be. I know it is easier said than done but it can truly do wonders to let someone in.

There are plenty of free ways to get help.

International Suicide and Crisis Line is 988

For those in the UK 116 123

it is free and 24/7.

A google search can probably help more too.

Be safe everyone and keep fighting.