Chapter 243 – Frank and Dee Talk

Frank and Dee had gone aways from town before either spoke. Dee knew that Frank was concerned, but Dee was worried about sharing. He didn't want anything he said to affect his job as a Mountie.

"I can't imagine this is easy to talk about." Frank said. "But you really need to talk about it. I swear whatever you say to me will stay with me. I won't go running back to your dad about things. That said, if I feel you are a danger to others or yourself, then I feel I would have to say something."

"That is fair." Dee said. "It is just so hard, I know that Mom and Dad mean well, but they want to fix things and make everything better. I know that won't happen. What I need is someone to listen to me."

"Listening is literally my job." Frank said.

Dee nodded and pointed to an outcropping of rocks. Frank led them there and they gave the horses a break. It was more that Dee needed a break. It wasn't that he was in pain, but he knew getting upset on a horse was dangerous, even a well trained Mountie horse. Frank took a seat while Dee paced. Frank was going to give him a few minutes to put his thoughts together before asking him questions to get things started.

"I know that Dad is worried about giving me a new assignment." Dee said. "I also know that he feels responsible for what happened to me, even if it has been proven not to be the case. He has told me he feels like he failed me."

"It is a natural reaction of a father to protect his child." Frank said. "Probably even more so for a man in your father's position. I will address that with him. Tell me more about these episodes. Or maybe the work in Cape Fullerton. You choose."

"This was the first one that I had since leaving Regina." Dee said.

Dee stopped and thought for a moment.

"I'll take that back." Dee said. "This is the first one I haven't been able to control since I left Regina. Normally, if I feel that closing in feeling starting, I take a moment and it passes. This time it just happened so fast."

"Why do you think that was?" Frank asked.

"I don't know." Dee said. "I love this town and when I was here for Christmas. I had no problems. Maybe it is because there is so much more pressure on me and everyone else this time. I don't know how much Abigail has told you, but there were a few days there where we thought the town was not going to survive. It is still not in a good place, but at least the mine reopening will help with things. I know that there are some people not happy about it, but Abigail was left with an impossible choice. At least this guy and his company, at least appear honest and want to be a part of the community and not just to run roughshod over everyone. I think it helps that Abigail knows what she doesn't want in her town at this point."

"I gathered as much." Frank said. "A lot has happened here in a very short amount of time and you all came into a disaster zone. This town looks very different than it did even two months ago. The population has almost doubled and there is a lot of building happening."

"As we were coming here." Dee said. "We didn't know how bad Jack was and were worried he wouldn't pull through. Beth is a strong woman, but I am afraid that losing Jack would utterly break her. Now with her expecting, I don't know."

"I understand." Frank said. "But you know she wouldn't have been alone. She has a whole community who would have understood."

"I know that." Dee said. "But I also know Beth. She wouldn't ask for help and would try to push through. When Sophie was hurt, it just about killed Beth. They were so close and Beth blamed herself for the longest time. It took Sophie months to convince Beth that the accident wasn't her fault."

"Guilt and fear." Frank said. "Those two things have been responsible for lots of questionable choices."

Dee nodded. He started pacing again. There was something that he wanted to talk about, but he was unsure how to bring it. Frank saw Dee was wrestling with something so just sat quietly and prayed.

Elizabeth woke up about an hour after they had fallen asleep. She slipped from the bed and repressed. She picked up Jack's things on the floor and laid them on the bed. Before she left their room, she looked over at her husband who was still sleeping peacefully. She could see the bandages on his torso and also the bruising along the edges. She said a quick prayer of healing for him and then headed downstairs. Elizabeth checked the soup and saw it was good. She gave it a stir and pulled the kettle forward to heat. She then made a plate with some cookies and a few crackers. She took them to her desk. While she waited for the kettle to hear, she pulled a ginger ale from the ice box and opened it. She then went and sat down. She picked up the stack of papers she needed to grade and started working on them.

About forty-five minutes after Elizabeth came down, Jack wandered down in his pajamas pants and henley. Elizabeth looked up and smiled at him. Jack's hair was still tousled and wild. He stood there looking all cute and sexy. Elizabeth had to swallow and shake her head.

"Feeling better?" Elizabeth asked.

"Yes." Jack said. "Missing you."

"Sorry." Elizabeth said. "This little one was moving and I couldn't get comfortable, so since I was up, I came down and was grading papers."

Jack came over and gave Elizabeth a kiss.

"You look good sitting there grading papers." Jack said.

"And you look cute in that henley with tousled hair." Elizabeth said.

Jack blushed and finger combed his hair, which actually made things worse. Elizabeth just laughed. Jack grabbed his sketchbook book and tossed it on the settee. He then went and got himself a cup of tea and his guitar before settling on the settee.

Elizabeth was glad to see Jack feeling better and he didn't sound or look like their mid-morning roll in the hay had negatively affected Jack. She watched him for a moment as he found a comfortable spot with the pillows. When he started to lightly strum the guitar, Elizabeth went back to her papers.

As Jack settled on the settee he had to clear his head of the thoughts he had. When he kissed Elizabeth, his mind had gone back to their activities earlier and started his fire again. He was sure if he asked, she would probably go back upstairs, but also knew he had really pushed some boundaries that morning and should not continue to do so. As much as he wanted his wife again, he tamped down his urges.

Jack took a deep breath and started to strum the guitar, just getting a feel for it, since it had been a few weeks since he had picked it up. He wanted to get into playing it more regularly and maybe even playing and singing at services.

As Jack sat there playing he said a prayer for his wife. He knew that she was struggling with him being injured again and he felt bad for worrying her, but he also wondered if it would always be like that. He knew he couldn't leave the Mounties, but he made a vow to always do everything to get back to her. Then Jack realized his position would probably be changing if Elizabeth actually did take over the company. Just for their own safety. He wondered if it was worth it. He loved Elizabeth and wanted her happy. If taking over the company to keep it from her sister and it possibly being dismantled, he would deal.

Finally Dee came and sat next to Frank.

"I promise you can talk to me about anything." Frank said. "I might not have a solution for you, but at least talking about it to someone might help."

"If I tell you something." Dee said. "You have to promise me to keep it to yourself. The doctors didn't even tell my parents and they removed it from my official medical records because I was so adamant about it. But now, I think I need to tell someone, especially after a few comments made since I have been here."

Frank put his hand on Dee's back to comfort him. He could see that the young man was struggling with something important.

"As long as it doesn't impede your ability to do your job." Frank said. "I won't say anything. Now, what is bothering you?"

"First let me ask you something." Dee said. "Do you think it is fair to get married if children are not likely?"

Frank bowed his head and said a prayer. He thought for a moment and then shifted to look at Dee.

"I think as long as both parties are aware of the situation and are in agreement." Frank said. "Then yes, it is fine. If the one party doesn't disclose their desire to have or inability to have children. Well then that is an entirely different can of worms. Marriage, even courtship, needs to be entered into with honesty about those types of things. Why do you ask?"

"Because." Dee said. "Because, there is this girl back home. I have known her for years and we like each other. She is not opposed to marrying a Mountie and knows it wouldn't be easy, even with the advantages my family provides. Before I came here, she asked me to think about what I really want because she said she doesn't feel I love her like that anymore. Which isn't the case. I have wanted to formally ask her to court more times than I can count, but I just can't bring myself to because she has told me her greatest desires are to be a wife and mother. I mean I even have a ring and everything. One day when we were out for a walk, we passed a jewelry shop and she stopped and was looking at the displays. She then told me about this ring that her grandmother had and how she wished that she would have been able to have it, but her father had sold it many years ago to pay bills. I had an exact replica of the ring made. I went and talked to the jeweler after we had talked and was able to describe the ring and even draw him a picture. He did some research and found the company that made it was out of business, but he could make a replica of it if I wanted. I had him do it and then so many things happened in the year and half from the time I first talked to him to when the ring was finished.

"So you don't want children?" Frank asked. "Personally, I think you would be an amazing father. I have seen you with some of the children here in town. That is so cool about the ring. I am sure it will be special when you give it to her."

"It is not that I don't want children." Dee said. "But the likelihood of me having them is very, very low. I so want to give it to her, but right now, I am struggling with if it will be fair."

"Can you explain to me why you believe that to be the case?" Frank asked. "Because from what I understand it sounded like it was unlikely your sister would have children and she seems to be fine."

"Completely different situations." Dee said. "The doctors just didn't know enough to know if someone with a spine injury would be able to even carry a child. They also cautioned that a pregnancy carried lots of risks if even possible. Whereas, in my situation, the doctors are pretty sure I will have trouble fathering a child."

"What happened?" Frank said. "If you want to share."

"When I was beaten in Cape Fullerton." Dee said. "The doctors said it appeared as if I took several blows below the belt and my anatomy appeared to be severely damaged. They didn't know the extent or the long-term damage. I insisted since they could say definitely, to strike it from my records. Reluctantly they agreed. Since then, nothing."

"What do you mean 'nothing'?" Frank asked.

"When I got back to Hamilton." Dee said. "Annie greeted me at the station. She was so glad that I was alive, even if I didn't remember her at that time. She leaned in and gave me a quick kiss and I felt nothing. She has given me a few kisses since. The morning Dad and I left this last time, she kissed me, quite passionately, might I add and nothing. In my heart I love her, but there is nothing, no reaction with my body. I used to get excited just thinking about seeing her."

Dee could feel the heat in his cheeks and kept his head down. He was embarrassed and just wanted to hide. Frank felt for the young man.

"The only thing I can say is that you need to have a conversation with Annie, is it?" Frank said. "There are other ways to become parents. I would also suggest an honest conversation with a doctor you trust when you get back home. I also think that there might be other things contributing to this situation."

Frank let out a harsh breath and then a second. It was Frank's turn to be embarrassed.

"You know my history?" Frank asked.

Dee nodded.

"Okay." Frank said. "When I ran with Jake and them, there were women. I am not proud of what I did, but it is what it is. It is in the past. Anyway, for me it got to the point I couldn't perform because of the shame I felt. It got to the point where I felt 'nothing' as you said. It was like that for years.

Then I came here. Now, I get that excited feeling again and it is like I am a young man again if you know what I mean. It is to the point that if I thought she would agree I would have Abigail tonight. Not that I would do that outside of marriage ever again."

"So you are saying." Dee said. "Maybe my feelings for Annie have changed?"

"Maybe." Frank said. "Or maybe you are afraid and that is blocking other things. Either way an honest conversation with her is needed. I am also going to recommend something I would never recommend. This one time and as long as it doesn't become a habit I see no harm. You might not be able to do it while here, since the row houses are close quarters. But maybe you could find a place."

Dee looked at Frank with a horrified expression.

"Are you suggesting what I think you are?" Dee asked. "But isn't that a sin?"

"Yes and technically." Frank said. "But in this one instance, one time, I think God would be forgiving. If you can't physically do it even then, you might have an answer. Either way, I still suggest some very hard, honest conversations when you return to Hamilton."

Dee hung his head, covering his face with his hands. Frank rubbed the young man's back.

"I promise I won't say anything." Frank said. "But know that I will be praying for you. Please let me know if you want to talk again about anything. But for now, maybe we should head back. We have been gone longer than expected."

"Okay." Dee sighed.

The two men gathered their horses and started the ride back to town. Neither spoke unless needed, they both had things they were thinking about. Dee did see Frank finger the ring under his collar a few times. He wondered if Frank was thinking of proposing to Abigail sooner rather than later. That thought led Dee to think about the ring he had hidden in his messenger bag. He had wanted to ask Annie but then he thought it would be fair given everything else. Frank had given him a lot to think about.