Treasure Hunt
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any treasure. Rating: K Time: After Season Eight.
"How do we get past this mob?" Kate yelled over the sound of Vorlag voices singing, "One, two, three, kick!"
"Youse don't. "Buggsy yelled back. "Youse jines dem."
Buggsy picked Kate up and used his tail to make an opening in the conga line. Rick and Alexis and the rest of the Vorlags followed suit.
"We'll be getting' off at da nex' passageway." Buggsy yelled. "Dat's da dinin' room."
"You're hungry?" Kate asked, in disbelief.
"Sure. It's bin a while since we ate."
Buggsy steered them away from the conga line and into the dining room. A "Taste" as Buggsy called it got them a table promptly.
"What'll it be, Hon?" A waitress asked. Then she looked at the humans. "Aw, that's so cute. You have them all dressed up and everything."
"De're hooman bein's from da planet Oith. Da Boss, Don Vorleone gits his galaxy famous ice cream dere."
"Whatever, Hon. What do you want?"
Buggsy scanned the menu.
"Six o' the quadruple bacon cheeseburgers, six o' dem yard long Italian sausage san'wiches, six o' da supreme burritos, six super chili dogs an' a stupendous pizza wid extra pepperoni, sausage an' bacon. An' fer dessert, da Don Vorleone Special Reserve Ice Cream Sundae, an' a five-gallon bottle o' Vorlag Pale Ale."
Muggsy nodded.
"I'll have the same."
The other Vorlags all ordered the same thing.
"And what would the…hoomans like?" The waitress asked. "You might want to order from the kids menu."
The three looked at the menu.
"Could we have the kiddie burger and three plates, please." Rick asked. "And three glasses of lemonade."
"Coming right up, little guy. You know, you're kind of cute." She said, leaning over to show the cleavage of three pairs of furry breasts.
"He's spoken for." Kate said.
The waitress shrugged and walked off.
When the meals were delivered, the Vorlags began eating.
"You know, "Rick said softly, "I think the Vorlags have black holes in their stomachs. Food just disappears when it hits."
He'd forgotten how good their hearing was.
"Youse could have a point." Buggsy said. "We sure has sumpin'."
By the time everyone was done, the ship had arrived at Treasure Island. When they got off the ship, they were surrounded by touts selling "genuine" treasure maps.
"Buggsy, you're sure the map we have is genuine?"
"Absolutely, Mrs. C."
"Well, I just bought one that's identical to the one Long John has."
"Do it have da secret ink?" Buggsy asked.
"I don't know."
Buggsy took it and held it up to the light.
"Nope. Dis one is a forgery."
Kate still wasn't convinced but said nothing.
"C'mon." Buggsy said. "We gotta git ta da boat."
The boat turned out to be a rather beaten-up small boat run by a Captain Charlie Vorlag and his wife Rose.
"Got any'ting ta drink, Charlie?" Buggsy asked.
"Just me usual fifty-gallon barrel of Vorlag rum."
"We'll have ta be careful." Buggsy said sadly.
They managed to get where they were going before the Vorlags ran out of rum. Where they were going was a waterfall.
"A waterfall?" Kate asked, somewhat suspicious of this trip.
"Dere's a cave behind da waterfall, Mrs. C. We kin climb up da side an' go in an' get jist a bit wet.
In five minutes, they were in the cave behind the waterfall and were soaking wet.
"Alexis!" Rick yelled. "You're not wearing a bra. You can see your….your…"
"They're called nipples, Dad. And I took my bra off when I went to the ladies' room on the party boat. It's hot and humid here. Besides, Kate took her bra off too."
"Yes, but you're…you're…"
"She's what, Babe?" Kate asked sweetly.
"Never mind." Knowing he could never win the argument.
They walked into the cave and found an elderly, white haired Vorlag dressed in a saffron robe, sitting on a rock.
"Greetings, travelers. Do you seek enlightenment? I'm Baba Be Bop Vorlag, of Baba Be Bop's One Hour Enlightenment. Would you care to discover how I have managed to survive for so many years by just inhaling the sweet air and mist from the waterfall?"
"You can do that?" Alexis asked. "I've heard of that sort of thing, but I've never…"
They were interrupted by a voice calling out, "Hey, Baba Be Bop. It's Grub Dash with your delivery."
Baba Be Bop sighed.
"Just put it in the usual place."
"I think we'll dispense with any enlightenment today." Rick said.
The Vorlags nodded in agreement and walked on through the cave. They came out into a jungle.
"We should have brought machetes or something." Rick said.
"No need." Said Buggsy. "There's a trail right over there."
They had only gone a little way when they were suddenly confronted by dozens of savage looking Vorlags, armed with all manner of weapons.
"Hello dere." Buggsy said. "Kin we help youse fellas?"
"I certainly hope so. Our wi fi died a horrible death and we haven't had any entertainment for months. Do you know the latest tunes. What about Taylor Vorlag's latest? Maybe what's streaming? What happened to Tony Baritone Vorlag, the gangster? We never got to see the series finale."
Buggsy scratched his head.
"Me an' Da Boyz has bin on Oith, workin' fer Don Vorleone. We ain't heard nothin' new." He turned to Curly and Rollo. "How about you two?"
"I've been too busy working on a project for Don Vorleone. It's based on a human concept adapted for Vorlags. It's a ship called Battlebar Vorlagtica." Curly said.
Rollo shook his head.
"My father says that modern pop culture rots the mind and won't let me see any. I did manage to see series five of Doctor What, though."
"We've seen that a dozen times."
"Well, we ain't able ta help youse fellas, so we'll be on our way."
"Not so fast, buster. You want to travel across the lands of the Fugawi, you gotta come up with some entertainment."
"Alexis," Rick said, "you must know something about pop culture."
"Sure, dad. I know about Earth pop culture."
"Kate, you could sing for them."
"Rick, you know I get terrible stage fright. Maybe you could tell them the story of the latest Nikki Heat book."
"Kate, it would take hours to do that, and dad always likes to stop and explain how he decided to use a certain plot device or introduce a new character."
Alexis thought for a moment.
"I could tell them a joke. Pi used to love to tell jokes."
"Go for it, Alexis." Buggsy said.
"Now this story is about some humans called Cajuns. They're a lot like Vorlags. They like to have fun and they do drink a bit."
"Now one Saturday night, Boudreau was drinking some Dixie beer at Pierre's Saloon in Breaux Bridge, Louisiana. He was kicked out when the saloon closed and got in his pickup to drive home. He was weaving all over the road when Constable Thibideau stopped him and gave him a field sobriety test, which he failed."
"Now, Boudreau," Said Constable Thibodeau, "you know if I take you up before Judge Landry in the morning, he'll send you to the county work farm for sixty days. Maybe ninety days. But I have a proposition for you. Now everyone knows that old Beaulieu is running illegal cock fights in the back of his place, but we can't get enough evidence for a search warrant. I want you to go in and see what kind of people are in there. You don't have to name names, just a general idea of what kind of people are there."
Not seeing any better option, Boudreau agreed. An hour later with a couple of more Dixie beers inside him, Boudreau came back.
"You were right, Constable Thibodeau. There's illegal cock fighting going on."
"What kind of people are in there?" The Constable asked.
"There's Cajuns."
"How do you know they're Cajuns?"
"Someone brought a duck to that cockfight."
"Dumb ass Cajuns." Thibodeau muttered. "Who else?"
"There's Texans in there."
"How do you know that?"
"Someone bet on the duck."
Thibodeau just shook his head.
"Who else."
"There's Mafia in there?"
"Now, Boudreau, how could you tell there were Mafia in there."
"The duck won."
There was a moment of silence and then the Fugawi began roaring with laughter.
"Very good joke. You can pass through our lands."
Buggsy led them through the lands of the Fugawi and to a pleasant valley.
"Mrs. C, where did dat phony map dat you looked at say we should go now?"
"Straight ahead and into the valley."
"Ah but look what happens when I have Curly look at the secret ink. Whadda ya see, kid?"
"The map says to go up."
They all looked at the sheer rock walls around them.
"Not ta worry. We brung climbin' gear." Buggsy said.
In minutes the Vorlags were hauling their human friends up the sheer rock at a rapid pace. Finally, they got to a ledge.
"Now look at what it says dere, cut inta da rock." Buggsy said.
"Captain Billy Bones was here. Go to the left."
And to the left they went until they got to another pleasant valley.
"Look!" Cried Rollo. "There's something ahead of us."
"it's da mudder lode." Cried Muggsy.
"Dere must be t'ousands o' bottles o' Vorlag rum dere."
"And all empty." Said a new voice. The speaker was an elderly Vorlag dressed in rags and a grass skirt.
"Empty?" Cried Buggsy, "An' who are youse?"
"I'm Old Ben Vorlag. I was marooned here by Captain Billy Bones nigh on fifty years ago with nothing but twenty thousand bottles of Vorlag rum."
"How much is left?"
"Three bottles."
Buggsy shook his head and began counting on his fingers.
"Four adult Vorlags, two children…."
"Hey, we should get the student's rate." Yelled Curly.
"…and t'ree hoomans is…."
As he was figuring, Old Ben pulled out a bottle and emptied it.
"Now that's two left."
Before anyone could say anything else, there was a roaring noise and a huge aircraft swept in and hovered over the mass of empty bottles.
"You the guy with the empty rum bottles for sale on V-bay?" Asked the pilot.
"That's me." Old Ben replied.
A gigantic net came down and picked up all the empty bottles. Then Old Ben jumped onto the net.
"The recycle value of the bottles will keep me in rum for a few more years yet." He emptied yet another bottle and threw it to Buggsy.
"I wouldn't want you to come all this way and go home empty handed."
"Where do we go from here?" Rick asked.
"If we go down da valley, we gets ta da city o' Tampico. We kin blow dis popstand." Buggsy grumped.
"I have to get back to my job." Long John Vorlag said. "I'll catch the eleven o'clock express back to Earth."
By the time they reached Tampico, the Vorlags were hungry, again. As they were deciding where to eat, a shabbily dressed Vorlag sidled up to Buggsy.
" 'Scuse me, but could you spare a few pesos for a fellow Vorlag?" He muttered,
Buggsy reached into his pocket, then stopped.
"Wait. Fred, is that you? Me ole pal, Fred C. Vorlag?"
"Buggsy! How ya doin'?"
"Not so good. We wuz lookin' fer Captain Billy Bones famous treasure an' found that some jamoke had drunk it all. An' you?"
"I got stiffed by my boss. Worked hard and the bum took off with all the profits."
Just then a young boy, who didn't look like a killer, came running up to Fred C.
"Senor! Please by a lottery ticket from me. I feel this one is very lucky."
Fred C. would have cuffed the boy and sent him on his way, but Buggsy had a few pesos left and bought the ticket.
"The lottery drawing will be in a few minutes, senor. I'll come back with the results. "
"Got any good ideas, Fred C.?" Buggsy asked.
"My pal says he's been prospecting for gold around here for years and thinks he knows where there's a strike to be made, but we don't have a grubstake."
"Senor!" Cried the young boy, running to them. "You've won."
TBC