As Arizona began to scrub out, she thought back to the last… not even 24 hours. She had rocked her first surgery (and this one to be fair) and was looking forward to her date with Michelle. Then Meredith frickin' Grey came running towards her and everything changed. When she saw her wife's face looking so sullen, with a somber demeanour and her vulnerability exposed in the exam room, she snapped (and the attending's lounge could attest to that). She sighed and looked up into the now-empty OR and all she wanted to do was go back to Callie. The high of telling loved ones their friend or family member is going to be okay is one of the biggest perks of the job, yet, she was more than happy for someone else to take the kudos. Calliope Torres all consumed her.
Callie's attack made Arizona think about a lot of things, not all ending in the happily ever after she envisaged. She questioned if she had the right to think of her. The right to think about her and smile, the right to protect her, the right to hum in content whilst she watched her concentrate on an x-ray, the right to… just… react. She's not stupid, she knows Callie is her ex-wife, she can't keep referring to her as her wife, but old habits die hard. She never fell out of love with the woman, she didn't want the divorce.
Her vision started to blur.
Tears.
Dammit Robbins.
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, disposed of her OR gown and walked out. She stood in the hallway, leaned up against the wall and tried to compose her thoughts. Firstly, she had to make her way to the husband and father of the patients she just helped, although she contemplated handing that off to Karev. Her inner musings had caused tension in her stomach, once she'd ticked that task off her list, she had to back to Callie, and she wondered if she could.
The surgery had given her some time to think and reflect, to put her sensible hat on and rationalise what had happened between the two of them. There was only one thing at the end of the day, one thing she wanted an answer to, and the rejection would break her. So, was it even worth asking?
She knew Callie thought of her as family, that was reaffirmed earlier. But she wanted more, much more than a co-parent relationship. She remembered, and cringed, at her reaction when she thought Callie was going to sleep with stupid hair Simon. She near enough accused Callie of getting rid of Sofia just so she could go fuck this stranger. No wonder she told her to leave.
Yeah, not your finest moment Robbins, Calliope doesn't do that.
She bent over and placed her hands on her thigh/upper prosthetic, the thought of someone else touching the ortho goddess. It had been two years. Callie had a relationship with Penny Blake but that petered out somewhat, neither surgeon to blame, just lacked a 'spark' (that's what Cristina said anyway, Arizona hoped that had come straight from Callie's mouth), but the blonde had no one. No one serious anyway, Michelle would have been her third date in those two years, not exactly lighting the dating world on fire. She exhaled, her own feelings had to be put aside for now, she needed to give the relatives the good news about her patients and then look after her girls.
Thirty minutes later she was on her way to Callie's room when her phone rang, she took it out her lab coat, looked at the call ID and…
Oh for god's sake, I thought I was safe.
She put the phone to her ear, "Hi Carlos."
"Arizona hello, do you have a moment to talk? I'm outside the hospital by the smoking area."
I mean, he wouldn't call me himself to have a sniper take me out right? Because that could be tied back to him. And there would be witnesses, don't be stupid Robbins… but… still…
"Err yeah sure, I'll be there in five", she hung up.
As the automatic doors opened, she saw Carlos standing there, stoic, hands in pockets, looking out into the distance. As she approached, it reminded her of her 'good man in a storm' speech, his stance near identical, her nerves a thousand times worse.
Literally the last thing I was during a storm.
"Hi Carlos", she smiled, "is everything okay?"
The older man didn't turn or acknowledge the question. "You love her, don't you?"
Shocked, but she straightened, with conviction, "I never stopped."
He gave a slight nod, "then why did you cheat on her? And sleep with that intern?"
Arizona slumped; she had asked herself those questions a million times. Sometimes when she wanted to excuse her actions she'd blame PTSD, sometimes when she wanted to blame Callie she would say it's because she amputated, sometimes when she had no idea, she just cried.
If only I had gotten therapy after the crash, got my PTSD diagnosed and treated, if only I had known Karev did the amputation, if only I didn't make Callie promise something no doctor should, if only… sigh. It doesn't matter, you screwed up Robbins, it's time to move forward.
"I- I don't know," her heart seemingly beating faster, "it was a mistake, the biggest mistake of my life. All I can do is say I'm sorry every day and become a better person because of it."
Again, not acknowledging his former daughter-in-law's answer, "she told me after you lost your leg, you referred to Sofia as 'her' daughter, not 'our'. Why was that?"
"I- I-" she knew that had hurt Callie, "I was angry, I- it was wrong and I…" She had no explanation, she was angry, but she should have taken it out on the world, not her world.
"Calliope called me crying on several occasions after the crash, after she had put Sofia to bed. She cried at the loss of your child's father, her best friend, Dr Sloan. She cried for the loss of her colleague, Dr Grey, she cried when she thought you were dead". Eyes unmoved from his spot, his voice did deceive his demeanour somewhat, what he was about to say clearly hurt. "They were painful cries Arizona, heartbroken, I've never heard anything like it, hearing my little cry like that, you never want that. I wanted to fly out, I needed to be here for Calliope, but she said it would make it too real. She just asked for my prayers, she even asked for her mother's, she knew she would be desperately lost without you."
Arizona stood there, not moving an inch, she couldn't remember if she even blinked, why was he telling her all this? Making her re-live the worst moments of her life? Was it a game? It was at this point she was sure she'd have preferred the hit, rather than the pain this conversation was causing.
"I can't even talk to you about how you spoke and treated her after, when you came back alive. I'm afraid I won't be able to keep my head Arizona, I mean that."
Silence.
"And then", he finally turned to look at the blonde, "you cheated on her. You made a vow Arizona, maybe not in the eyes of God, but you made a vow to your wife, my daughter, and you broke them for what? Why? Were these women worth it?"
Arizona let go of the breath she had holding "I- I don't know why", she had some thoughts, but telling them to Carlos would seem like she was justifying her actions. She wasn't, she'd just asked herself these questions a million times and never had a good enough answer. Ever. Then, as sternly as her voice could manager, "and no, no it was not worth it. Carlos, you have to believe me", she begged "it's the biggest regret of my life," her voice was cracking.
He scoffed, "and then the affair with the intern, while you were still married. She told me you told her you didn't think it was necessarily out of bounds." His glare intensified, she felt two inches tall, "Were you still married during this time?"
In a small whisper, "you know we were-"
"So why? Why Arizona? Why did you think it was okay to sleep with another woman whilst you were still married? Separated or not?"
Arizona stood there, Callie had never asked her these questions, and she never tried to address them, not in a serious attempt anyway. Maybe it was time she took responsibility, sought therapy, talked to support groups, she needed to find something, she needed to give herself, and Callie, answers.
Carlos turned his attention away from the blonde and went back to staring into nothingness. "Then I see the way you are with her now you're divorced, and you're back to the woman I remember", her head shot up briefly, "not this unknown person you became, that my Calliope cried over and over about."
Arizona really had no clue where this was leading to, maybe he was trying to convince her to walk away, something she had been considering herself a few moments before.
"But, now when she talks about you, it's different, she's almost in awe of you."
I'm sorry what?
"The way she sticks up for you. The way, when she calls, she tells me about your fellowship, what you did with Sofia that day, the surgery you'd done, an article you'd written…"
Arizona's eyes widened. For the first time, she looked at the man, waiting for him to turn his attention back to her.
He didn't, but he continued "I think to myself why, why does she still talk with such warmth about someone who treated her like you did, cheated on her and then continued an affair. I'll never understand it Arizona, your actions or my daughter's feelings."
Meekly, "I don't deserve her."
Carlos turned his head, his eyes void of emotion, even anger.
He's going to say I don't, then warn me away from her, forever.
"What are your intentions now Dr Robbins?"
Her intentions? Was he giving her the opportunity to, fight(?) for his daughter? Explain why she deserved another chance? What surely would be her final chance? Was he testing her? Unsure and to be frank, not really caring at that point, she answered, as honest as the day is long.
"To love her, to be there for her, my family, to be loyal and to care for her. To be the best person I can be, to make her laugh, happy, to dance with her, to grow old and love her for eternity."
No script or pre-written speech, she answered from the heart. She wasn't sure if Carlos nodded or remained still, but she definitely felt some sort of acknowledgement, even if it wasn't an agreement.
"I saw how you were with her today, the devotion and love. You stood up to me, again. These are not the actions of a weak person". He leaned in ever so slightly, he needed to see it in her eyes. "Can you promise me you will always treat her like that? Give her the devotion and love she deserves?"
No hesitation, "I can, and I will", was she getting his blessing? After everything that came before?
"Arizona, I don't think I'll ever forgive you, I cannot lie, I cannot give you my blessing."
Well that answers that.
She held a regretful smile and nodded. He continued "but my daughter loves you, and I love my daughter. I tried to control her life once…"
Twice, the initial rejection and then 'praying away the gay' remember?
"…and I almost lost her. I've learnt from my mistakes Arizona, she gave me another chance, and we're closer than ever, emotionally, if not physically. Calliope and Sofia mean everything to me Arizona, if you promise to love and look after them till you're dying breath-"
Oh my god please say that isn't coming shortly.
"Then I will support my daughter in her choice, even if I don't agree."
He was turned fully facing her now, it was Arizona's turn.
She didn't stutter, "I promise you Carlos. I've learnt from my mistakes too, I've changed in the past two years, for the better, but the one thing that hasn't, is my love for Calliope and Sofia, even though I betrayed everything that I promised. I will fight for her, for us, every day."
Carlos nodded; he got the answer he had expected and would accept, for now.
"Then tell her that, she doesn't deserve to be kept in the dark, to live in the unknown, she deserves to be loved and to love, she has a big heart, you have to fix what you broke, so she can truly love again."
With his statement (or was it an order?), Carlos Torres gave her an umpteenth small nod and made his way to a waiting car. Before he got in, he did one have more issue he needed to address.
"Arizona, hurt her again and I won't be giving Calliope the option I did last time."
He got in the car, closed the door and was gone.
Arizona, for her part, continued to stand there. She thought she may have gulped at his threat, but she wasn't sure. Carlos Torres' opinion was never going to make or break what Arizona would do, but she had firmly pushed the doubts she had from earlier, aside. Even though he had spent most of that time telling her how much of an awful wife she had been(!), he still made a point of telling her how much Callie had talked about her to him, and how positive and full of love it was.
Life was too short.
She took a deep breath, turned and went back through the doors. Callie's room awaited.