"I tremble
They're gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They're gonna eat me alive
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer..."
For at least the second time this tenday, Del woke up expecting to be dead.
"El…" he croaked, disoriented. Was he in the arena? The thrall caverns? His master's private quarters?
He opened his eyes to an entirely different reality: He was lying on his bedroll, staring up at the ceiling of his own tent as shadows from the firelight outside created strange flickering shapes over its canvas. From there, Del's field of vision expanded to include the circle of concerned faces hovering around him. Shadowheart and Halsin crouched on either side of him, looking anxious. Gale stood in the only unoccupied space in the tent, staring down at his interlaced fingers as he awaited their report.
"Thank Mystra you're awake," he sighed.
"Mystra, really?" Shadowheart dragged the back of her hand across her forehead, leaving a streak of blood behind it. Del's own blood, he realized slowly, his thoughts moving at the speed of molasses. "What about Lady Shar? And my healing spells? And that rather expensive scroll of Revivify?"
"Move along, nothing to see here." From the doorway of the tent, Karlach waved back a few straggling party guests who had come gawking. Then she turned to Del, seeing that he had awoken. "Damn, Del, glad you're back with us. You sure gave us a scare!"
"What happened?" Del whispered, testing his voice and finding it lacking. He couldn't seem to speak above a whisper, and his throat hurt terribly with every word. Whatever spells Shadowheart and Halsin had cast, they hadn't healed him completely - not that he was about to complain. When he had passed out in the woods, he'd been reasonably certain that this was the end.
"We were going to ask you that." Karlach again, sticking her head through the entrance. "How did you end up bleeding out in the woods, and where the hells is Lae'zel? Please tell me this isn't what I think it is. I can't handle this backstabbing shit again."
"I was patrolling the grove, making sure everyone made it safely back to their beds, when I heard the sounds of a struggle," Halsin explained. His voice was deep and slow and oddly soothing, as if he was telling a bedtime story or calming a frightened animal. "By the time I found where it was coming from, Lae'zel had fled and you were unconscious. I found her sword lying in the woods, but we've been too busy keeping you alive to pursue her further."
"And resurrecting you," Shadowheart corrected. "You died on us for a minute there. Or a bit under that, since the scroll worked... Gale was afraid he'd have to pull out the big one he reserves for his own death, which we only just found out about. Thanks for sharing information in a timely manner, Gale."
"But what I don't get," Karlach interjected. "Is why Lae'zel would attack you in the first place."
"Come on, Del." Gale's voice was soft yet stern as he joined the huddle of people leaning over Del. "The game is up; you've been checkmated. I had hoped to have more time to investigate a cure for you before I shared this with everyone, but recent events seem to have forced my hand."
Del reached up and grabbed the wizard's arm, holding it in a death grip as he silently pleaded. "Come on, there must be another way to explain this. What if the rest of them react like Lae'zel? And the more people find out, the worse it'll be for me later. I already fucked up bad enough by telling you!"
Gale just looked at Del with sad eyes. "Our friend here," he began, "Seems to have been captured by - or sold to - an illithid colony in the Underdark sometime within the past – oh, fifty years or so, accounting for half-elf lifespans. From what Del has told me, he has served the hive as a thrall in some capacity or other for as long as he can remember."
"I knew it!" Shadowheart exclaimed. "I knew there was something up with him. No offense, Del." She suddenly remembered that the person in question was literally right next to her. "Gale, are you sure we should be having this conversation in front of him?" She trailed off with an awkward expression. "What if they're listening?"
"Not how that works," Del rasped, wincing at the pain in his throat from speaking even these few words. He switched to mental communication, which had become easier after absorbing the tadpole's powers. "Only Eldriss was linked to my psionic seal in a way that let them see through my eyes from a distance... and they're dead."
"But," Shadowheart countered, "How can we know anything you say is true?"
"I can watch over your friend here," Halsin volunteered. "Clearly this is a matter you must discuss amongst yourselves."
Del could only watch helplessly as Gale shook off his grip - he must still be pretty weak, for the wizard to be able to dislodge his hand so easily - and left with Shadowheart and Karlach.
"Sorry, soldier," Karlach said. "We'll be back in a minute. I'll vouch for you, I promise. Thrall or not, you've been nothing but good to me."
And so they went outside to decide his fate. But they didn't seem to realize how good his hearing was, because Del could catch enough bits and pieces to glean the gist of their conversation.
"How do you know?"
"-spy for the Absolute?"
"Not under their control now, as far as I can tell -"
"What have I missed? I smell blood -"
"Oh, finally -"
Halsin just settled down beside Del and sat quietly. "I'll save you any further questioning," he said eventually. "You will get enough of that from your companions soon enough, and you need to rest now to fully heal that wound. We've stopped the bleeding, but there's still some internal damage."
Del blinked up at him in gratitude, not wanting to try speaking aloud anymore and realizing that the lack of a parasite would prevent Halsin from hearing his mental communication.
The bear of a man smiled, then laid Del's blanket over his chest in a gesture of surprising gentleness. "I doubt an agent of the Absolute would have put such effort into rescuing me from those goblins, or warning the grove of their attack. I'll put in a good word for you. Now, sleep. We'll finish healing you in the morning, when all our spellcasters are no longer exhausted from battle."
Del wanted to protest further, but his eyelids were indeed growing heavy...
As soon as Del fell asleep, the Emperor was there to meet him in the Astral Plane. But this time, the mind flayer seemed far more troubled. Rather than levitating as he had the previous night, he sat with his back against a jagged spur of rock and his elongated head cupped in one hand as if tired or suffering from a headache.
"The Githyanki was a mistake," he admitted almost to himself as his tentacles writhed involuntarily in agitation, the motion analogous to a wringing of hands. "Such a cruel, intolerant people."
Del noticed that in the dream his wounds seemed to be fully healed and he could speak without pain. "I'm still alive, so no harm done. I'm kind of glad Lae'zel is gone, honestly. It was exhausting trying to hide anything from her." For some reason, he felt the need to comfort the Emperor, even though the illithid wasn't the one who had been ambushed and attacked only hours earlier.
"I'm glad you see it that way. Many of your companions would hold far more of a grudge. But rest assured, she is being dealt with. I removed my protection from her, and it's up to the Absolute now to decide whether she will transform or simply become a thrall. Her own people are nearby, and will likely end her suffering shortly if she does not do it herself."
Del nodded. "That's harsh, but fair I guess. But you said you're not with Oryndoll, or the Absolute, or any other colony... So why are you even helping me?"
"Call it an arrangement of mutual benefit. Remember that thought you had earlier, about your injuries disappearing? You are not really here in the Astral Plane, you know. Your spirit dreams, but your body still lies in camp. I, however, am physically trapped here for now. This prismatic prison is the only barrier between my mind and the Absolute's influence."
The illithid took Del's silence as an invitation to continue his monologue, not needing to stop or even pause for breath.
"That is why I need you to stay alive, Del... You and as many of your other companions as we can shepherd through to the end. I was hoping to preserve Lae'zel, but she proved herself too stubborn and willing to resort to violence. I need you to break the Absolute's power so we can both be free, along with your companions and untold others. You among all those I saved from the nautiloid have the most experience with my kind, and you were the only one who has accepted my true form. Once they're ready to know my identity, you must show the others the way."
"Hard to do that when they don't trust me anymore. Now they think I'm some kind of spy."
The Emperor audibly sighed. "A miscalculation. I allowed myself to forget just how much people mistrust anything to do with illithid-kind. Even a harmless thrall such as yourself, without a master to guide him... Imagine for a moment what they would do if they knew what I really was."
Del sat down next to the illithid, feeling the cold stone dig into his back. The two of them were only inches apart now, nearly touching, and some part of Del ached to bridge the space between them. The Emperor must have heard his wordless thoughts, since he leaned closer and reached out to lay a comforting tentacle on Del's shoulder in much the same way as Eldriss had once done.
"I don't know why they're so judgmental about it. What's worse about an illithid than a vampire? Astarion and Karlach at least know what it's like to serve a master that others disapprove of... Except, they both left theirs, didn't they? They're just rebels. Escapees. They'd probably have been eaten back in Oryndoll."
The Emperor sat silently for a time, allowing Del to vent the anger at his companions that must have built up without him realizing, and then spoke. "I will talk to them tonight in their dreams, if needed. The Githyanki took me by surprise, but you won't be attacked like that again on my watch. But, a word of advice perhaps? Do not share with them your thoughts on 'escapees.' Your friends will find them quite distasteful."
"Yeah, you're right," Del sighed. "It's not their fault their masters were awful. Eldriss would never do half the stuff the devil and the vampire lord did to their soldiers and spawn."
The mind flayer sat up straighter, meeting Del's eyes with his glowing purple orbs. "I don't know if I should tell you this, but I think the true difference between them and you is that their memory of events during their captivity is intact, while yours has been altered. I can sense that many things in your mind have been buried so deeply that even I cannot access them. Perhaps we can work together to restore these memories, but it would take time and your willing cooperation. And I can only hope that knowing the truth about illithid-kind will not poison your acceptance of my nature. But I offer this to you as a gesture of good faith, and proof of my willingness to work with you as an equal rather than enthrall you anew."
Del frowned. He didn't think his memories had been tampered with. But then, of course he wouldn't, if the illithid doing the tampering was good enough at it. "What kinds of memories am I missing? Like little things, or whole chunks of my life?"
"It's hard to say. I can sense that nothing has been removed recently. These are old memories. Early impressions that determine your view of the world and your own place within it. Restoring them will not be an easy task, and may bring more pain than enlightenment."
Del didn't know what to think. A cold feeling wormed its way into the pit of his stomach and settled there, making him feel hollow inside. He bent forward and cupped his head in his hands in an unconscious echo of the Emperor's earlier posture. "I... I need to think about this," he stammered. "Eldriss wouldn't change my memories just for fun. Maybe there was a good reason. Or maybe it was my old owners before them."
He hadn't been formally bought by Eldriss until he was nearly an adult, he remembered now. Though he'd lived with the illithids as long as he could remember, his childhood had been... had been... spent as a ward of the Nourishers, first, and then the Tamers... Never bonded to a specific master until Eldriss had bid on him at the auction block...
"There it is," the Emperor said softly, and Del felt the tickle of the illithid probing into his mind. "A false memory, like a patch to cover the hole."
"Hey, stop that!" Del snapped, jerking back from the Emperor in both body and mind... and then cringed as he realized how sharply he'd spoken to a superior being. Hanging out with all these rebels must be rubbing off on him...
But the Emperor didn't seem upset. "A fair point. I can be more cautious in revealing such things without your permission."
"So what do I do now?" Del asked. "About the others? Just try to be nice and not act like a spy, and hope they believe me?"
"That's more or less the idea. It would be helpful to be open with your companions about your past as much as possible. Though, I see now that your previous orders may prevent it. Let me see if I can help."
The Emperor stared directly into Del's eyes as if trying to hypnotize him, which honestly wasn't far from the truth. Del realized that the Emperor was already doing things to his mind without asking, right after he promised he wouldn't... But maybe he had forgotten, since it wasn't in an illithid's nature to ask for permission. Del didn't want to rock the boat again, so he just hoped this wouldn't be something painful or unwelcome. The Emperor's next words carried the full force of an illithid's command.
"You may speak about your time in Oryndoll. Tell your companions about your time spent as a thrall."
They broke eye contact, and Del mentally shook himself off. He didn't feel any different, but he hoped that this countermand would be strong enough to allow him to speak freely.
The Emperor paused, seeming to listen for something in the distance. "Those damn Githyanki are back again. Always trying to steal my protection, to throw me to the wolves of the Absolute. I must go defend it yet again. But farewell, Del. Rest well, speak to your companions, and consider my proposal about your memories."
Author's Note: Del lives! But poor guy has now been programmed and reprogrammed so many times like a faulty robot...