Katsuki's P.O.V

He felt like shit as he woke up in the Nerds room. The memories of the night before making him feel stupid. As relieved as he was Deku didn't hate him, it hurt to think that he was in love with him. He couldn't imagine the pain he had caused him, all to feed his fucking ego. He wished he had just accepted Deku's attempts when they finally made it to UA. Who the fuck was he posing for? Why the fuck didn't he let go of his own anger at himself long enough to consider it might actually help the idiot? Because he was a peice of shit, that's why. And then he had the nerve to get pissed at half and half getting close. Walking in and seeing them about to kiss had been harder than he thought it would be. The way his heart squeezed painfully, as the urge to pull the guy off him was overwhelming. As was the urge to stay in Deku's room and waited for Icy-Hot to be in the corridor as he snuck out in the same clothes. Even just to worry him for a minute. But he didn't, he went to shower before going down for breakfast. He waited for Deku to eventually come down but he didn't, he hadn't really been in the same vicinity as Katsuki as much as he had before the day he had left. And he ignored the way he missed it, as he got up and stormed off to the school gym.

He wanted to let go, his jealousy was getting too much, seeing them sat together at the table, leant close, shoulders almost touching as Deku was helping Icy-hot with some homework. He knew it was only bad because he could see Deku warming up to the half and half bastard. Especially if last night was anything to go by.

"They're pretty close these days. Maybe Shoto will get a date yet" Denki said softly as he sat next to Katsuki

"Oh I hope so" Mina gushed "look at them, it's adorable"

He internally winced at the growl that passed his lips. Fuck. He turned away to glare out the window before someone realised he was paying attention to Deku or the conversation.

"What's wrong with you?" Mina asked following his gaze through the window.

"None of your fucking business" he snapped walking from the room. This was stupid. Who the fuck cared if Deku started to date someone else? He had apologised, it should be over. Granted it was a drunken apology, but knowing he'd be forgiven didn't seem to help at all. The knowledge that Deku had been in love with him hurt. More than he thought it would, it made him sure it only proved he was the one to push him to try to kill himself.

He slammed his door forcefully trying to calm down. It was bullshit, his guilt, his jealousy, the way he tried to hold onto Deku last night. He had no fucking right and he knew it. Seeing his scars last night made him sick. Not just the one from him but the ones Deku had inflicted on himself. They were clearly deep, and big. Deku was either in a lot of pain or hated himself, severely.

He didn't have the courage to approach that subject. He was barely able to stave off the urge to throw up when he saw them. He had been surprises Deku didn't cover them up, but maybe he was more worried about having him in his room instead. Which was another wave of guilt. He hasn't hidden his hesitation around him since the wipe, and he realised he'd taken Deku's durability for granted. Deku had loved him enough to hide is clear fear. Now he had no need to and Katsuki couldn't help but replay their interactions, and feeling stupid he ever thought Deku was not afraid of him. Of course he was, of course he wouldn't be okay around him.

His bed wasn't fixed yet and he was struggling to sleep. Remembering the last day before Deku left to wipe away his... feelings. He hadn't meant to go so far, he was trying to get Deku to stand up for himself, he had just let that asshole treat him like shit. Granted Katsuki had joined this certain asshole back in the day but it was different. They didn't know what he was capable of now and it rubbed Katsuki the wrong way to see him just allow people to push him around. Was that what had done it? Trapping him, almost deafening him in his inability to keep himself in control? He growled storming out of his room to head to the gym for the second time today. He had been driving himself crazy with what caused it? Was it one 'Shitty Deku' too many? Or the incident, or another thing from weeks before he had stewed in. And he wasn't sure he could take much more. Seeing the scar up close hurt, seeing the ones on his wrists made him want to throw up. He hadn't even bothered to hide them and Katsuki was pretty certain he hadn't realised.

He sensed someone come in, he ignored them continuing the run on the treadmill. Thankful he had his earphones on him when he came down on a whim two hours ago.

The flash of red to his left told him exactly who had walked in. He sat on a bench folding his arms and patiently waiting for Katsuki to stop.

He didn't, he was on the fourth mile and he wasn't stopping till he at least made it to five. Though he was still irritated and thought maybe ten would be better.

When it was clear Kirishima wasn't leaving he turned off the treadmill at the fifth mile, taking a long drink of his water before turning off the heavy rock music likely causing damage to his ears.

"What?" He snapped already pissed off with the relaxed posture of his friend.

"You've been here a while. Missed dinner, so came to check on you"

"I'm fine" he shrugged not in any place to talk about last night, or the reality of his idiocy.

"You. Are not fine" Kirishima scoffed "and you need to face this, talk to him because it's going to eat you alive"

Katsuki laughed bitterly before picking up his towel and heading to the showers, not even bothering to respond.

Waiting at the gates Katsuki felt nervous. This stupid assignment had him stuck with Deku and Pink Cheeks to leave campus and 'people watch' the idea was to see if they had the ability to see anyone behaving suspiciously or if someone needed help. They were to write it up and hand it in on Monday. Katsuki was dreading it really, he hadn't been near Deku in two weeks and he wasn't prepared to face what they talked about. Though with Pink Cheeks he was sure he would be spared... maybe.

When he saw Deku approaching alone he ignored the panic, maybe Pink Cheeks was just running late. But the way he was looking at the floor, picking at his sleeve to his messenger bag strap and back to his sleeve nervously didn't help ease Katsuki's own nerves.

When he finally made it to him he put on a smile, big green eyes looking hesitant.

"So... Urakaka isn't well. Aizawa said we can do it without her and she can get a chance to catch up with him another day"

"Fucking great" Katsuki growled pushing off the gate. The entire day was going to be awkward and tense.

"Sorry" Deku said meekly and it only elicited a groan from the blonde.

"Let's get this over with" he said leaving to grounds.

He placed the milkshake in front of Deku woth more force than was probably necessary causing the greenette to jump.

"Oh. Thanks" he gasped out reaching into his bag

"It's on me"

They had done the work and Deku had written it all down in a note book. Katsuki hadn't even thought to bring one so it worked out well.

"If you're comfortable with it, I'll go through the notes with you back at the dorms. Write up my shit"

"Of course. That's okay" he nodded and Katsuki was wearing thin. He hadn't relaxed with him once. He'd agreed with everything and mostly said 'yeah' 'okay' 'oh that's fine and he was about to lose his shit. The Nerd hadn't let himself ramble on it hours.

"Fuck me" he drawled out putting his head in his hand and saw the way Izuku snapped his head up, wide eyed and Cheeks turning slightly red "can you please just talk!" He asked voice rising with frustration "I can't with this timid, freaked out version of you"

"I'm not freaked out" he pouted and Katsuki almost laughed at the normal response

"Really?" He asked doubtfully

"Well, yeah. I mean it's weird and I still don't know how to interact with you. The whole point was to leave you alone right?"

"Doesn't mean-" he cut off before letting his mouth run off on its own. "I figured my drunken dump would tell you I don't hate you" he finally said and Deku only looked surprised

"Well, I wasn't sure if you remembered. You were pretty drunk and I didn't want..."

"Think it's past time you stop worrying about what I want" Kastuki scoffed "I was drunk but I fucking meant it" he glared at the table. He wasn't brave enough to read whatever emotion would cross the other boys face.

"I'm not sure I will ever not want to make everyone else happy" Deku admitted casually and Katsuki imagined him shrugging.

"Learn to be a bit selfish. Fucking hell you've more than earned it. Hell you're owed it" it took all his effort not to snarl it at him.

"I've already been given so much. I don't think I need to ask for anything else"

It only hit home for Katsuki just how much damage he had done and he wanted to reverse it. He wanted to go back and change every interaction he ever had with Deku after he got his quirk. So he took a deep breath before even broaching the subject. Looking up to Deku hating how he straightened up to fucking attention.

"Do you remember the day before you went to wipe your memories?"

His face fell as he cast his eyes down to his milkshake, nodding ashamed.

"That is you making people happy?" He asked noting that Deku was getting uncomfortable. He didn't want to do that anymore but this wasn't the same as all those other times. He really wanted him to see how fucked up it was. How anyone treating him like that is fucked up. Himself included.

"It wasn't a big deal... I could cause irreparable damage if I retaliated" he explained "a few punches wasn't gonna to much to me"

Katsuki slammed the side of his fist on the table making Deku and a couple two tables over jump. He was capable of fighting back, Katsuki knew this, had seen it against the villains they faced, in training and the festival. Why wouldn't he fucking do it? He could feel his anger coursing through him and had to try to calm himself before he said something he would regret. He froze, his brain and body unplugging at the scarred hand over his fist, it was warm, and he could feel the callousness from his training.

"Katsuki" he spoke gently and it turned his stomach. He hated it. He missed hearing Kacchan. He missed hearing that tone of affection he never knew he'd missed before. He looked up to the one person he managed to care for the most and hurt the most too. It was so twisted, and he knew he had no right.

"One day they'll learn, or they'll cross too far and we may deal with them" he tilted his head as if he was talking to a child and it caused snort to pass his lips "but I am not going to be the one to paint a kid a villain. I certainly don't want to be the reason someone is pushed to be either"

"Like those shitty morons are capable of learning" he snarled the anger dying down at the fingers prying open his fist to take his hand.

"You did. I remember a change in U.A from Aldera. It wasn't as... deliberately aimed at me after a while. Does that make sense?"

Katsuki nodded be ause he supposed he was right. After a bit of time it became clear the other extras didn't have the same intentions as the kids in Aldera. He didn't think he needed to show off he was the worst... make them hesitate a little he guessed, he couldnt explain his reasonings. After that seeing him really smile, and hearing a real laugh he just hated himself. Hated how Deku didn't even seem to have any negative feelings toward him. He couldn't accept it... so he pushed, and pushed and pushed.

"I learnt I'm an asshole. Not a better person" Katsuki argued but he couldn't bring himself to pull his hand free. It was selfish and he knew it, but he liked it.

"Assholes don't have peoples backs. How many times had you pulled me out the line of fire? How many times had you taken the attention of an enemy to protect me?"

His heart picked up because he... he noticed that? Remembered? His mouth opened again to speak

"Izuku?" Came another voice and Katsuki tensed "Bakugo?" He pulled his hands free with more force than needed and got up

"I'll go the bathroom. We'll keep going after" he ordered stiffly glaring at Half and Half with all his burning rage he ever had.

"Hey Shoto" Deku smiled brightly and it twisted Katsuki's stomach. He hadn't done that for him since that day. He wanted it.

He needed to stop. He needed to realise him being open and kind now was too little too late.

He left the bathroom halting at the counter to see them sat together. He was leant froward, almost against the taller boy. His eyes were bright as he spoke animatedly with a huge smile. The soft adorning smile on the usually stoic face had him gripping the counter tightly. Because he had never let himself do that, no matter how much he had wanted to. Because it was Deku, and he was too foolish to act on his feelings in any way shape or form. That included smiling at the dork when he was cute, or stupid, or just bleeding his happiness into every fucker around him.

Deku's smile dropped and Katsuki was ready to barrel over for a fight but stopped his step as the boy turned bright red and looking at their laps before Half and Half smiled a little more, brushing the back of his fingers against his cheek.

Fuck.

His throat felt like it was closing up as his eyes stung. He turned heading out the door to inhale as much air as he could to fight back the urge to cry. The two had gotten closer over the last few weeks, he knew this. They'd been sat together daily and the casual touches had made it clear to everyone in the dorm something was blooming. But it had never been that obvious. And he wasn't prepared to see it. Once he was calmed down enough he went back inside focusing on his very intense dislike for the fire and ice weirder. His usual scowl fitfully in place when approaching the table.

"Oh Katsuki, are you ready?" Deku asked and he looked to Todoroki

"If be is coming we can finish"

"No I am on my own assignment with Denki and Ieda. We are on a break and going to meet at the park ahead in ten minutes" he explained monotonous and Katsuki just wanted to punch him in his stupid face.

"Well I will meet you later then. We need to go over our notes and write up the assignment"

"Okay. I will meet you at Five" he smiled slightly running his hands through the green curls before nodding to Katsuki blankly and leaving.

Oh come on! He internally groaned and had to make sure not to roll his eyes as Deku smiled and waved.

They were sat on a green on the school grounds, notebooks on their legs while going through the notebook between them. Katsuki didn't want to be in the dorm with prying eyes. He was having a hard enough time with just Deku. They'd finally finished and he saw Deku look at his watch

"You're not gonna be late for your date" he informed him "stop panicking"

"I'm not worried I'll be late" he said spinning his pen in his hand and Katsuki felt like the breath was knocked out of him. He was expecting some sort of denial, but he...

"Wait you're actually going on a date?" He blurted and Deku only turned red

"I mean... I'm not sure how I feel yet, I just know the idea doesn't upset me. I want to see where it goes"

"So he-" he cut off before he let his jealousy even try to take a front seat. This is what he wanted, right? Deku to do something for himself? To punish him and... he'd pushed down his feelings and it isn't fair to act on them now. Especially now he knew Deku was in love with him and he couldn't even think about him enough to let the guy be his friend. "He taking you somewhere nice?" He asked instead and Deku shrugged

"He said he would tone it down. But I'm not sure Shoto knows how to do that" he chuckled looking happy. "But apparently dinner is none negotiable so I need to dress up"

"Don't let me keep you" he smirked gesturing to the dorms and Deku laughed and it hit Katsuki in his chest.

"I have time. I already picked out something so it won't take me long to get ready"

"Nah, I'm done. This whole day fucked up my routine so I was gonna go the gym anyway" he shrugged packing up his things.

Lie. Lies.

He was going to see Aizawa about having a heavy spar with Kirishima because God he needed to blow off some steam. Why was this so hard?

"Okay, well I will see you later then. Thanks for today. I really liked the milkshake" he waved that little jerky wave and picked up his books and ran to the dorms. He was in no way going to be there to see him leave all dressed up for a date.

Kirishima was quirked up, understanding he was gonna need that defense. They told Aizawa it was a spar but they both knew it was just Katsuki going off. They'd spar for a while, until Katsuki starting facing his feelings and then he would just fire blindly for a while. He was beyond thankful Kirishima was here, someone who was made to take the hit and could give just as hard as he got. They never had to hold back on each other and it was great for days like this.

They both lay on the floor heavy pants the only sound in the training room at the other end of the school. He'd made a mess but it was still standing at least.

"You... going to tell me what's up?" Kirishima asked twisting his head up to look at Katsuki, who turned his head to look at his best friend.

"Deku has a date" he panted and frowned

Understanding washed over Kirishima's face,then sympathy. Katsuki was too exhausted to get offended and if he was honest... he knew he needed to talk about it. "I knew it was coming but... still seemed too soon" he explained.

"I bet" he rolled onto his stomach and faced Katsuki properly "bro you need to tell him. Even if to just get it off your chest. Have you ever even admitted it to yourself?"

"Admitted what?" Katsuki asked pointlessly. He knew what he was asking and the look of reproach had him almost turning away.

"Don't do that" he shook his head "you need to let it out"

"Doesn't matter" he turned away then to look at the ceiling "it's too late"

"It's one date" Kirishima argued

"It's too late. And it's not fair on him either" he said again and felt his friends frustration so taking a deep breath "the night I blew up my room, my mum called to tell me he was going to get his memory wiped-me- only she was wrong. He still knew who I was, but he was..."

"Yeah we noticed. Jeez why did he go so far?"

"He wiped away his love for me. He was in love with me" he choked out

"Shit" Kirishima hissed and Katsuki let out a heavy sigh only nodded "did you know?"

"No" he shook his head and felt an ache in his chest. It hurt and he wanted to cry but threw his arm over his eyes "I'm a piece of shit and here I am acting like a jealous scorned lover as if I was the one treated like shit"

"Hey, you're not a piece of shit. I know how much you care about him. I see it dispite those stupid walls you put up. You're not a piece of shit you're just a bit selfish and an idiot" he said shocking Katsuki enough to lift up his arm and look to him wide eyes forgetting the tears.

"The fuck Kirishima?" He asked

"You are. You blew up the edge of school, which I'm guessing was something to do with the little dude. And your room, you had a full on meltdown at the thought he would erase you from his memories. Pushing him away all the damn time is stupid. He wanted to be your friend, and you refused to let him"

"Because I-" he didn't deserve it.

"Maybe it's not about what you deserve anymore" Kirishima said "He believed you worthy, he wanted to be close and you refused him, because of your guilt and your view on yourself"

He had a point... but either way it didn't matter now

"Doesn't matter now" he sighed speaking his thoughts "it'd be selfish to... pursue him now, right?" He asked and felt like his heart shattered at the look of pity, confirming his thoughts. He was inclined to agree with Kirishima, he was an idiot.