The Other Side of the Sea- Some Time Before The Rumbling

The whole house had finally quieted down from Gabi and Reiner's welcome home dinner. Those two had gone to bed already for a hard day of training and briefing- there was never a break from war and training. Her Reiner particularly needed the rest considering what he said at dinner. He hadn't spoken a word since finishing his story, avoiding any further questions. Not that anybody dared press him on. Oh, her heart raced in fear.

All kinds of people. Karina prayed that Marleyan spies were not stationed on their street when he spoke of those island… devils. All those years of training, and he slipped up. Was he trying to disgrace the family after all those years of her hard work?

Karina paced in her creaky small bedroom. She peered at Reiner's cradle from infancy which had collected dust and some dead bugs after being packed into a corner. Maybe it was her fault. She should have told her brother to keep his mouth shut about that horrid place.

No. Maybe it was the trickery of the bad Eldians- no, devils, who lived there and followed the King, messing with his head. They may have acted like the good Eldians here with their stupid antics, but they were planning to strike back one day, conniving to spread their seeds in the winds to all edges of the world until nothing remained but bodies of everybody else piled to the heavens.

Not like her. Not like the people here in this home. The real people who cared about their choices and "other people" and their pain that their ancestors caused to this day. She fixed her slipping armband, the forgiveness of her sins. Unlike the rest of the family, she never took hers off in the house. She was the worst of them all, but her heavy burdens paid off.

Her little boy, when he was chosen as a Warrior, was taken away for weeks. The military higher ups would not say where he was or what they were doing with him, just doing some exercises so he learned how to control his Titan along with the other chosen ones. Yet she had faith in them. They knew what they were doing. Her new red band- the long promised garment- was tenderly delivered along with the rest of the family's, a precious gift of grace for those who gave their kin for the greater good. The neighbors gawked, surprised that the whore next door's bastard child was going to be their savior. She didn't even need to think about that man anymore. They were equal now, up to the same spite for each other. Oh, did that thought of him being brought to shame feel soothing though.

A step on a loose board shook the dresser with some grainy photographs. One of them fell flat. Karina picked it up, brushing it tenderly, because this was one of her parents before she left the Internment Zone for work. They lifelessly stared back at her, their bloodline cleansed by Reiner's heroic sacrifice for Marley and the world.

That was, if he never made such a dangerous slip up again. He had been rather quiet on the walk home from the train station, letting Gabi describe their acts in the Mid-East War as giddily as she could to her gleaming parents. She was just like him as a little boy, and now… he had grown up too much since his mission to that place. And how many years did he have left? Two? Three? At least Gabi was at the top of her class of candidates for the Armored Titan. They would live on in each other, just like those gross rituals of the cult of Ymir.

Wait, why was she thinking of that? Karina placed the photograph to face away from her. What she was doing to help Marley and her family was different from what those Eldians did. Her sins were forgiven. No need to think about them anymore.

…

Complete strangers did not need to see an armband on Karina to know that she was not from the neighborhood which she walked through to get back to her family's home. Some of them mumbled about another Eldian in their part of Nodlon, though others were too busy with their shops or bringing their children home from school to notice her. Some patrols stood by, suspicious, but not intending to sic their hounds.

For once, Karina did not care about what status she had as a civilian in this land. At least a handful of the people she passed were probably wishing her to be dead, but some of them were praying for her dear Eldian spirit. It was a balance of the good and evil spirits around her. The government, the public workers, and the Church may not have been entirely on her side with devious intentions lurking in them, but for once in her life, she could step into other zones without legal prosecution, or worse.

To be sent to paradise.

Anyplace was better than that place. The dark closet.

She bit her lip to avoid that terrible day's memory. She didn't want to remember this now. Her heart was lighter than it had been for a while, and for her honesty, it was a bountiful award. Somebody was there to truly support her, and she could equally support him as much as he wished. They didn't talk about too much together the rest of the day, but just being there was good enough.

Because in those long gone days, she hadn't been there for another-

No, she wasn't going to let those devilish thoughts intrude. She was going to be there now more than anything. For both of the men in her life.

Levi had grown a bit tired by that afternoon, his pain gnawing at him, no doubt. But behind his stern expression, he had a hint of anxiety when he mentioned his coming surgery. Her surprise visit gave him some motivation, however, to begin drafting some ideas for what to say to the rest of the Alliance regarding their findings. They would not be able to know the complete truth, but it gave them something to do, a good way to reach out to future generations to know their story. Just so long as he didn't bury himself in other's lives that he wore himself out. But she'd been good at keeping him in check along with the very occupied Onyonkopon.

A large bell chimed. Karina skirted to the side of the road. Many of the bustling locals turned toward the center of the city, bowing their heads or kneeling. A few prayed with hard earnesty for many intentions of peace and for their own safety and that the spirits' wrestling would not cause such calamity again as long as they lived.

Well, maybe they would be allowed a blessing like her father had with Reiner, or her own state-awarded redemption. But it seemed nothing would last for anybody. Perhaps their prayers were what drove her out of this neighborhood to her own Eldian one where they thought she belonged. After all, with what she and Levi had planned, they could bring disaster upon everybody and themselves from their own little sanctuary.

Well, her little sanctuary away from her family, which was more like a cell without any doors or windows to the outside world. And when a beam of light got in a crack, there was a shuffle to cover it up, and not just because the men had boarded up all the windows in case more vandals came about.

…

"But I promise I won't tell anybody else! Falco won't either!" Gabi pleaded with her father. She had been trying to ask more information out of Karina after breakfast that morning. And now he was worried that she would start talking to the other Eldian children at school. "It's not like we can turn into Titans anymore! Everybody knows that one; it's not classified! It's worthless for anybody to worship Ymir like Commander Armin said!"

"Think about what other people would think, even if the cultic practice has been long abolished since the Marleyan Empire. We did give Reiner and you over to the Marleyan government just like how Ymir gave her children over to the first King Fritz so both could gain power by having them consume each other, whether we were aware of it or not. Would you tell them that you are proud of our family for doing these things? They aren't too different," Giuseppe responded, a hint of fatigue in his voice. And a little guilt.

"But that's exactly right! Both of them were equally bad! Kaya's mom was eaten by a Titan, and… and… Dad! Marley is the one who ordered that village be turned into Titans! Not us! Shouldn't only the people from the last one-hundred years in power take blame? King Karl Fritz didn't order anybody but his own royal family to keep the ritual up after he took his followers to the island! The Tyburs lied too, and-"

"It's all such a knot, dear." Giuseppe placed his hand on her shoulder. "One thing ties to the other, and we Eldians are always connected by it. And it's getting tighter and tighter for us to escape the current political climate. First, the Eseresoan people threw rotten vegetables at us as we exited the ship that brought us here. Now they're painting the doors with blood and breaking windows. And the next thing we know, the knot could squeeze so tight that we could get lined up and sent to another internment zone or get condemned to… Paradise."

Karina snorted. What an ass her brother had turned into. "Wonderful sermon, Giuseppe. You don't even need me to revive the cult for you to begin a counter cult of reason. But I must correct you. I believe that the old cult teachings taught that Ymir never wanted her children to be without their loving Mother, so when she was to die, she willed herself to live in their memories and carry her life on for generations to come. I think that's what father once said. What you stated is the modern explanation as gathered by Commander Arlert and the Marleyan forces."

"I'm not wrong, Karina. And you know that."

"And Gabi and I are wrong?"

Gabi scooted back in her chair, sensing the growing tensions and not wishing for a morning conflict. "Maybe nobody is truly right or wrong about anything."

"Gabi, that is a ridiculously dangerous thing to say," Giuseppe sternly cautioned. "Are you getting these things from Mr. Ackerman too?"

"Don't bring him into this!" Karina exclaimed. Oh dear, she thought she heard Viola fuss from the bedroom. "Well, you are right about saying things like that, brother. We can agree there without grasping at each other's throats. Though I think Levi meant that we shouldn't live in a constant state of regret about our past decisions, not that there isn't any truth." Her brother had better not go on about him.

Giuseppe hummed, picking up a newspaper and pretending to read. "You know him quite well."

Karina's body trembled. She steadied herself yet wore a scowl as she gathered the first round of dishes to wash. She pushed Gabi off to help her mother with her baby sister. She scrubbed the dishes a bit too hard. Was Reiner- hopefully- going to come home to such a mess? It would be better than not at all (she shunned herself to not meander on such thoughts), but he deserved a loving, real mother to be proud of and uncles who weren't ashamed to wish for them to live boarded up once more. It would have been nice if Levi was there to say something. He had a way about these things.

You know him quite well.

It surprises me to see you so open to interact with a man from outside our home after all these years.

Karina twinged. The air chilled. What would her parents say to her?

Her brother wasn't wrong. Not at all. Which was why she decided to sneak off after her brothers and Martino went to work to get out and learn if she was wrong, to atone if needed for what she had done.

…

Perhaps her brother was wrong. Knots could also bring people together for the right purpose. Nobody had to sit alone, work alone, or repent alone. Certainly not the people of the Church. Not the Eldian Rights Committee. Not the people of the island who remained untainted of the newfound ideology. It was just a problem when too many knots crossed at the same place, one overtaking the other.

A young child peaked at Karina while her parents and older siblings prayed. She was fascinated by her as if she had never seen an Eldian before. As much as she was enamored, her mother quickly caught notice and shoved some beads into her little hands. Her lip curled in a pout.

Those beads looked the same as the ones Onyonkopon used in prayer. Karina could only hope that this child was being taught to pray like he did and not for expelling a daughter of Ymir. Otherwise, the both of them were getting into a knot.

The prayers concluded, and solemnity reverted to bustling. And Karina was on the outskirts of the neighborhood when her thoughts were interrupted.

"Aunt Karina!" a familiar voice shouted from a distance, one of desperation. Gabi darted toward her. Plowing behind her was Theo, who was just barely under control by Martino, shouting at Gabi to stop and keep quiet. Both of them looked distraught. Gabi looked as if she'd been crying.

"Gabi! Settle down. What are you two doing all the way out here? Why were you crying?"

"Uh, what are you doing out here? You've been missing for hours! Dad was worried and was going to get the patrols to look for you if we couldn't find you soon! He didn't want to be seen in this part of the city so he sent us. It's going to be time for curfew. And what are you doing out here?"

Had she been out that late?

"I needed to be away from the house, Gabi. Calm down. Since we can't have any sunlight in the house, I needed some out here to help me so I wouldn't be so melancholic." That sounded truthful enough. And she was feeling better.

"In Levi's neighborhood?"

Her pulse went up. "Was I?"

"Were you here because of Dad this morning and what he said about him?"

Damn it. This girl and her nosiness. She got that from her father.

"Alright. Yes, I was visiting him today. But don't get any stupid ideas. We were just talking some more about what's happened whether your father likes it or not. When we're home, he's not going to-"

"Aunt Karina," Gabi's voice changed to pleading, "you need to come home right now." Gabi's lips trembled. What got into her?

"Gabi, Gabi, Gabi. I was just out walking in the broad daylight. There are plenty of patrols out. Why are you so upset?"

"We're really scared. Something's wrong w-w-with R-R-Reiner." Her voice cracked.

Reiner.

The spring air chilled rapidly into a bitter winter. Every sound and shape of the city became a sea of blurs and mumbling, fading into a dark void. Every moment, every memory of him from his birth to his first mission to the island flashed before her. Her scolding, lies, and her heavy indoctrination mingled in it, chaining her with her son and his internal misery. She was unable to escape this tragedy or wipe away this blame.

Only her nephew's gentle clasp on her arm kept her aware that she was standing on the side of the road. He grunted at Gabi, scolding her for speaking out loud, something that seemed trivial now that she let it slip. Theo pattered about, confused.

Something was wrong with him. That meant he wasn't… gone, right? Was there any hope? Once she was sure she wasn't going to faint, Karina managed to squeak out, "What's… wrong?"

Gabi let everything out. "Some men from the administration came to our house earlier this afternoon. They- they said he just snapped and tried to… hurt himself. They're bringing him home in a few days and-"

"Gabi! You've said too much! I told you to wait until we find a telephone box and call your father to drive here and then tell her!" Martino snarled. He sighed and looked around at the blur of cars and a few irrelevant people who weren't Reiner walking on the opposite side of the street. "Now hush up and let's get back. What if somebody was listening? The telephone box could be bugged." He gently nudged Karina and asked her if she could walk. She nodded, but her head felt too numb to be fully in control of her actions. Paranoia about spies was the last thing in her mind to be concerned with.

Gabi sniffled. "Well I'm sorry I'm upset our cousin is sick and you're not! Maybe if we hadn't sent him to the island in the first place this wouldn't be happening! And I wouldn't be mad at everyone if somebody would just say sorry for everything! As if you've ever had anything useful to say on it! You'll never understand what it was like to fight on the battlefield when you were twelve damn years old!" Gabi stomped ahead despite Martino's protestations. A passerby stared at them oddly.

"Eldians….", the passerby muttered scornfully.

There was no need to take offense at any of that or what Gabi said. All these words were numb and empty, just more noise. It took all of Karina's remaining energy just to keep moving forward, Martino checking back constantly and Theo weaving in and out. If she tripped and fell, she probably wouldn't notice the pain. All she could think about was her every breath, every word, and every teaching she ever exposed to the product of her whorish ways, the one she molded into a perfect tool of revenge, which now pounded at her from every direction, which now turned on her in an ironic and deserved manner, as the being who was truly her human son was now slipping into a deep melancholia she was all too familiar with. They were so far away, so separated from each other. She didn't care if he was being brought home. What were they going to do to him before then? He wasn't safe. He hadn't been even before he was born.

The knife. The knife. Don't think about the knife.

The homes around her turned into giant walls, closing in on them tighter and tighter. Neighbors outside tending to their vandalized gardens or windows waved at them and expressed concerns but went ignored. They were just hunks of flesh taking up space. The children grew wearier and slowed with each step with Gabi in the lead. What a terrible thing. Karina should have been the one leading them to safety, not the girl. They were just little knots being squeezed into lumps that couldn't be undone. This dark path is what she destined them to walk on ever since they were conceived.

Why hadn't she held Reiner closer to herself when he was little? Why didn't she read to him normal books children loved? Why didn't she play with him and keep him inside in the place that was supposed to be safe? Why couldn't he have grown up with his own will?

Why wasn't it the reverse where she was in his place now, to die for him? Where had her motherly instincts been? She should have been the one to exact revenge against the injustices of this cruel world, not him. Even mother birds knew to protect their flock and offer themselves to lurking predators.

As they neared their boarded house, Karina thought she could feel herself become a mindless monster wandering in such a dark room once more just to see her son alive again.

…

The rest of the family did not need more than a cursory glance to figure out that Gabi had told her the dire news about Reiner. Fortunately, they did not press about where she had been. The other adults explained that he would be taken home in the following days to be assessed. This did not reassure Karina much. She laid herself on Reiner's bed and picked up bits of what they clamored on about.

"All those years of training…. Have you forgotten how to hold your tongue with classified information?"

"I'm sorry, Dad," Gabi mumbled weakly. She had been crying more. "I'm scared."

"Dear!" Tina stepped in. "Stop using that to punish her! It will be hardly classified soon! For all anybody knows, he probably caught some islander's disease and needs to be treated here. Oh, we should have just gone out ourselves or sent the patrol. Gabi, I'm so sorry."

"Mom… I just want Reiner to be okay."

"We do too, dear."

Oh, so did Karina. Gabi's hero she dreamed of being one day couldn't be strong and brave all the time, but that shouldn't have ever mattered. Gabi picked up on these changes and nuances better than she did back in those wretched days in captivity, yet she loved him all the same.

How embarrassing that children- two from their own household- perceived the truth of the world and themselves before she, a mother, could. Well, Gabi and Reiner spent so much time in training and in war together more than they did at home with their parents, it was no wonder she knew him better than her and what hell he faced.

Giuseppe mumbled something Karina couldn't hear to Gabi. She'd have to deal with him later if she stopped feeling numb. He couldn't stand walking in broad daylight on guarded streets to search for his own sister, but could easily send his vulnerable fifteen year old daughter and his nephew who just turned nineteen with a dog as their only defense outside the neighborhood so they could stay behind and search for her among the safety of the other Eldians? Just because she was once a soldier who walked through fields of landmines didn't make her one now. She wanted to smack the daylights out of him.

Oh. Then herself. Then Mr. Leonhardt. Then Mr. Finger. Then the Grice's. And any of the other living Eldian families who sent their children to the training program. Then they'd have to die in a collective heap from the stench of their own hypocrisy. And who would be left for the children to give answers? None of them.

There wasn't much need to write to her son now; she'd see him face to face soon enough if he wasn't going to be taken away as he had too many times already. Not that family stories would be much of a form of closure considering how far he had fallen after she dropped him like a flour sack onto her problems. If Onyonkopon used his sources well, maybe they- whoever they would be, could save him, make him whole like they could with the Grice boy. Nothing she could do would soothe him because all she did was hurt him.

The blade was freshly filed, baying to slice and destroy his little body, only shielded by her own bruised and beaten body and desperate pleading. Her mother trembled to the side as her father, utterly mortified at what he once considered his perfectly molded daughter, now defiled with the seed of a Marleyan, aimlessly approached her to fix her like a stray bitch who had just gone about in her heat to attract a random dog. But whose life was she really pleading for? She was in danger first, then he'd- no, it would- go down next without her. Her transgression could not be undone. She deserved death from the government, and she knew it. But why did she want to keep living?

Karina sat up, alarmed by the memory, and turned to look out the window that she quickly remembered was boarded up. No scenic springtime sunset. Was a little nicety too much to ask? This was even worse than the Internment Zone window-

No! How could she think something like that? What a stupid wench she was, living what her ancestors never dreamed possible, cloth armband or not. They had help, they had delegates and committees fighting for them. There were non-Eldians rising to defend their rights, treat them as human beings without asking anything in return. Powerful people who risked their very power to change for the wellbeing of all.

Yet none of them happened to be her, who was never strong enough in the first place for her own child. Even now it may have been too late.

Millions were trampled under foot before Eren Jaeger knew what the world truly was. Before him was Reiner Braun, a perfectly molded naive boy who only wanted to look good for his family and the government who was beaten and tortured, who took up the task of using whatever he had to protect who he thought were to be loved, to gain approval from his heartless family of monsters. After all, only a berry bush would produce berries, as the old Eldian proverb went.

Why did she dare get that work lottery? Why did she step forward to see that man?

A daughter of Ymir and her mindless ardor are to be feared and distrusted, for she may lead you to your own kind's destruction.

Eighty percent of the world died because a mother had no means in her to love her son.

Karina laid on her side, weeping softly into Reiner's pillow.