Paradis' Strongest Soldier
Click click click.
If he could type any faster with one hand, Levi would have. Damn typewriters. More technology he never would have cared about if he hadn't been thrown into this new world, simple yet complex as always. Learning to write reports with the pen back then was one thing, yet having to actually put effort in to write was another.
He grunted as he made another spelling error. He hoped a pen writing over that word wouldn't offend anyone's formalities over there.
Yet it was his new promise to keep which he held close to his heart for the sake of humanity, the future of Eldians abroad and the island. His left hand would be sore tomorrow, but he didn't care. Besides, it would complement the aches of his bad leg. The Alliance needed him to say something with their spirits down more than ever, or perhaps something to give an ally a push forward in her life.
Then there was the Braun family being cursed with more melancholia, their not so secretive little "issue" anymore. Karina was beside herself, waves of guilt flooding her. But seeing her would present a problem if he were not careful, and not just for the rest of the family's judgment of her speaking to a former island devil whose ideas of freedom were too intimidating for them to handle. It was far more personal than that. It had everything to do with her son and himself.
Onyonkopon had dropped in a few nights ago with the awful news about Reiner and his breakdown after checking on his family. He had been on the phone lines and telegram lines all day trying to help coordinate a return plan. He had also divulged some information Reiner had never revealed to anybody outside two of his comrades.
Tch, and with what Onyonkopon shared, he knew this "issue" was out of his jurisdiction.
…
"We had to dig out the files taken from the interrogations. As a child, his trauma manifested upon the arrival on the island due to the death of a Warrior in his unit and the heavy toll of taking the lives of many upon breaching the Wall. He took on some of the traits of his fallen comrade and suffered periodic memory loss and would have different goals in mind at any given moment- once a soldier with grand visions to save humanity then another as a Warrior who had a duty to fulfill. Ms. Leonhardt and Ms. Finger seem to agree that returning to the island has reawakened his guilt and suicidality."
"Grice flies into a rage every time a bird pecks at a window. No surprise a broken brainwashed kid's memories would come back to haunt him. Why aren't the others acting up then? Would have thought Springer would be going insane with the uncle of a comrade he killed trying to blow them to hell."
Onyonkopon hummed, a bit conflicted. "True, but it is different for everybody. When the Volunteers aided in liberating the Alba-Musco Valley from Marleyan control, some of our unit could no longer bear to hear explosions while others could ignore it. It can show up months or years later, or you may try to hide it." His deep brown eyes glistened at Levi. Tch, why was he being watched?
Trauma responses to survive. Hell, this all kept circling back to him.
"He'd been acting rather odd to the rest of his family before he left. All kinds of issues running there too. Not that me saying anything helped Falco much. Thinks the whole world is against him, including the crippled foreigner from that island who can't work a damn radio without being forced into it. It's too much for us old wheezers to understand why our brains go to shit."
"I see, and I can't disagree. Technology and the sciences were never your talent. But you've done some good too for the Warrior's families. Karina was in a far better mood with you around-"
"She sure was," he replied tightly. Did he have to pry into more than one sensitive subject right now? "Can't do much else. I'm still staying here until further notice. Too useless to help."
He had been in a better mood that day too when they finally got to be honest with each other. But there was no rush to be little lovebirds making a nest, was there? Not when the world was restless and Karina's adult son was falling from a decayed nest in a large forest that entangled its trees' roots in everyone's affairs, like a string being tied into a knot.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm in too much pain. I'll distress Karina if I so much wince while her brat is suffering thanks to 'the island'. Besides, I'd be the person he'd least want to see."
"Would he? Being with the rest of the Alliance, some of whom are native islanders, has not been a complete hindrance on him. It was only in the weeks leading up to their arrival that it started."
Levi rolled his eye. Was it damn people or damn things that caused people to go into fits? Why some and not others? He was now a normal person, no more prepared or better equipped to take on the new abnormal or normal than any other bitter asshole. His head started hurting again.
"Look, her kid is more important than what she and I have been discussing and what's between us. I can't do a good job getting people to wade through shit like I used to be able to. The least I can do is write to the rest of the Alliance with what we've got while she and her family sort it out. Not like they think I'm being very helpful as their one native islander for reference putting these ideas of thinking for themselves in their heads anyways."
Onyonkopon mumbled something to himself, or maybe to the Creator, in frustration. He couldn't blame him for it. On top of the current political theater, some Eldians decided to express their frustration against the Church by vandalizing a temple with fruit and paint, and one person assaulted a clergy member.
"Alright. If you change your mind, let me know when I stop by in a few days. I could bring Karina by if she feels well enough and if you want to stay here. And please, take your pain medication." He promptly gathered his things to leave.
Levi felt himself sink in his chair. He didn't care if the people in charge coveted him as their hero, decreeing it criminal to trick him into taking anything that would kill him. It was the only way he could control what he put in himself until that day would arrive, then he'd be at the mercy of human hands.
Something had changed the atmosphere outside, chilling him to the bone. Yet he could pay no mind to that with how much pain he was in. It wasn't helped being stripped down from tattered clothes and Hange's bandages clinging to his skin to only have a small towel splayed across his hips. Cold and humiliated. Exposed. And then someone touched him between his legs, inching something inside of him.
Violation. No power over them.
None of them were speaking to him, only to each other in rapidly grumbled words which he could not understand even if he were not in such a dire they all focused on him as if he were a speck under a microscope. Not even Hange would have been so callous in their curiosity and desperate plea to save lives.
He couldn't breathe as they twisted his leg from its unnatural bend. His hoarse screams were muffled by the saliva soaked rag they stuffed in his mouth for him to bite on. He weakly thrashed, being held steady by some hands on his shoulders. Tears and sweat streamed down his face, stinging his open wounds.
He'd never begged for mercy before, yet these medics- if he had correctly identified them in his shock-induced mind- had probably never shown it to an Eldian before. To them, he was a deranged animal in a death throes, barely more than flesh to be manhandled.
He retched and started choking. His throat and mouth burned with bile and blood. The same one who held him down turned him to his side, pulling the rag out in one pull. He heaved, dizzy, unable to focus his one remaining eye on anything. The people in the room doubled as he was rolled supine again.
One pressed his icy hands against his distended abdomen to which he weakly cried out. Why wouldn't they stop? He was probably going to die.
"Internal bleed…. Infection. Transfusion already on the train. Bones shattered."
"Not wasting medication… might need it for us. Haven't interrogated… could be on Eren's side…. An Ackerman?"
A gun cocked. The presence of a Marleyan brass of higher rank filled the small makeshift surgery. Under Muller's command and Armin's cooperation, this was his only chance at surviving this cruel dissection that he never signed up for but deserved for his blindness that almost condemned everyone, the destruction he would leave behind because of that name. Eren.
Glass tinkered behind him. A blanket enveloped his whole body as he became less aware of his surroundings.
"Breathe in," a voice urged as some covered his mouth and nose, obscuring his remaining blind spot. Were they choking him? He felt himself go, sink into a deep place. He would have fought back, but he was simply too weak.
Karina's tea would have to do it. It was the only drug he could trust. It was the only thing of hers that would provide him some warmth and company these coming weeks. Tch, what a sop he was becoming, an undeserving one at that.
Happiness was like one of those children's toys called balloons that floated around carefreely, bright and happy. But then even a small poke would cause them to explode, leaving colorful bits and pieces scattered. He received his poke with this news. Yet he couldn't bring himself to be completely upset at the fallout.
It all changed too fast. There was no such thing as consistency. Squads would get chomped, commanders would die, military brats grew up, friends got involved in government work. Not even homemaker friends- or perhaps partners would always be available. Those "things" that brought some content would disappear one way or another. People would too. Whole bloodlines, in fact, had.
Hell, Mikasa had proved herself a survivor. She was still strong without her powers. She could protect her former comrades. She had more firsthand knowledge than any delegates about the ins and outs of the island and the most protections. But did she have much peace knowing who she was for years to come?
She had a long future ahead. He didn't. She was fed lies about herself. He had rations he could give her. Not the best prepared, but it would sustain her.
He hobbled to his room and dug out his prized possession book and placed it by his typewriter in the living room. He had marked several pages with paper strips with the most important information to consider plus a few notes Karina wrote down for him. Before typing, he grabbed some tea, just one of those things keeping him anchored.
…
A knock on the door interrupted his passionate typing. He lifted his ink-stained fingers from the keys.
"Any word?" he asked without turning to his usual guest. Could he break that habit of barging in?
"The process is very slow. They're ensuring Reiner is stable enough to leave first. And how have you been? You've been typing." He gently laid his hand on a pile of papers overflowing with inky words. Levi defensively pushed Onyonkopon away.
"Only thing I can do. The only other Ackerman in existence is far more capable than me and has a burden to carry on to the next Eldians. She might want this for her children."
"Her children?"
Levi sighed. "Or whoever damn walks into her life. Spouse or friend. Maybe Historia. She has a future and friendly secretive intergovernmental relationships. Her old friends can rely on her as always to defend them, and-"
"Levi, are you sure this isn't about… something else?"
He turned to face him, flustered. He'd cared as much about his appearance as he had about cleaning his apartment for the last few days. "It's my promise to keep. There's nothing certain after this. You know that. It'll be good enough for everyone."
"It's not good enough when you're reclusive. Even the greatest monastics could never be without another without going mad." Some of the scattered crinkled wads of paper with poorly written paragraphs cited Onyonkopon's evidence.
"Your Creator confuses me. Why does It want some people to separate themselves from the evil spirits if evil spirits are necessary to balance with the good spirits? Wouldn't it make them great heretics?"
"To face themselves and the reality of this world and themselves. Problems among fellow man will never resolve themselves if all they do is hide from each other, each one thinking himself better than the last," he patiently apologized. The irony didn't have to pelt him that hard. Hell, he couldn't win every argument. He had to face her.
"Here, go get the briefcase in my closet. I can explain what it's about on the way to the Braun's. I don't care if all of them are there or not."
…
The Other Side of the Sea
Her little boy was in pain, and she knew it this time. Yet it seemed everybody else in the house nodded and moved on with their day to day lives, unable to give more than a kind acknowledgement about him coming home soon, an indefinite amount of time. Karina's brothers and nephew were back at work while her sisters-in-law went about cautiously in the neighborhood, trying to help some elderly Eldian neighbors clean up their gardens and houses that the vandals got to. Even Viola was up to her own things, including making her first attempts at crawling.
As for Karina, she made herself comfortable in her room, sitting on her bed and blankly staring at the shuttered window decorated with children's art. A few little girls from the neighborhood had gone around giving some hastily colored pictures of suns and trees to put in the inside of windows since most people had theirs closed tightly. The price had been a few coins, to which she had feigned a smile and accepted.
Since when had she ever showed appreciation for Reiner's little scribbles? Not the Warrior program ones where he got scored for showing how loyal he would be to the mission by drawing himself destroying the island. Just ones where lines were supposed to be cats or fish or bugs.
Maybe he could have become an artist if she had done better. Nothing worthy of a museum, but perhaps enough to sell in the marketplace to make some extra money to support the family.
Oh, who was she kidding? What interests and hobbies, if she could call them that, did he have other than boot camp created by government and familial coercion?
Viola interrupted her remorseful meanderings by screeching in her crib for an escape. How wonderful of a thing to be resigned to sitting with a young child in a boarded up bedroom twenty-four years after the first one. She sighed, using all her energy to lift her up. Viola gurgled in delight. What a lucky girl to have a mother who was able to go out and about yet rely on the help of others who would gladly give it without considering her own needs and desires. It was a bountiful blessing from Ymir.
There was a chance this one could develop her own interests in art or music or medicine or writing. Or maybe she'd be conscripted in five years time- just about how old her sister had been- when Esereso needed bodies on the frontline to stop the Jaegerists from invading. Either way, better she was born now than back then. Or was she?
The entry door clicked open, and Theo's paws pattered followed by a low bark of excitement, indicating he recognized the intruder. School had resumed for Eldian children with heavy restrictions in place. Patrols were placed in the classrooms and hallways, school bags had to be searched upon arrival, and no afternoon extracurriculars until further notice.
Karina carried Viola to the living room. Gabi was taking her shoes off while simultaneously shoving the dog away from stealing them. Good blue skies above, even the dog had chances to foster new hobbies for itself in lieu of canes.
"Hi Aunt Karina. Any news on Reiner?"
"No, dear. I'm afraid not."
"Damn it! How long does it take to bring one person back on a flying boat?" She carelessly threw her coat on the coathanger. "Onyonkopon could fly him back faster if he got his pilot's license renewed."
Karina almost agreed. Her niece was her second closest person to her these days, hence the temptation to cling to a childish desire. She was surprised she returned to classes today given how linked their moods were to each other. But she claimed she had some important exams to prepare for to have a better chance at a grant for university education in a few years.
"I know. Please shut the door behind you though."
On cue, the door swung open again. Falco entered, muttering something about stupid birds outside.
"Hello Ms. Braun. The psychiatrist's kid got sick so the session got canceled. I'm sticking with Gabi today. She needs it."
"He's telling the truth. His parents drove us here and will get him before dinner," Gabi confirmed monotonously before Karina could ask. "We won't bother you."
They could have begun digging their way to Liberio in the backyard, and Karina wouldn't have cared. They got to be together to get through their turmoil. Karina had to sneak out just to get some attention in the manner a schoolgirl typically would, all to avoid being accused of being a fickle broad with ludicrous ideas about herself and Titans and Ackermans. Well, the ones about a particular Ackerman were not entirely outrageous.
"Very well. Get started on your schoolwork." She placed Viola in her playpen and went to the kitchen to get some tea. Some of the things these two learned in classes was beyond her, and she didn't know how Levi managed helping them since he knew even less than her about extraneous subjects. Yet she couldn't help but listen in on the children talking about their day back. Their rule about speaking their minds was still in place, so she had no right to complain about what they were going to say.
"I don't care about the patrols in the hallway. It's just unfair there has to be one standing outside of the Eldian girls' changing room! I think he was 'inspecting' me and Matilde when we walked in!" Gabi moaned. "I swear if some of them were unaware of my background in the war that they'd be following us straight inside since they can't trust us to put on running shoes without thinking we're trying to blow up a toilet or another group of kids. Us! The ones getting attacked!"
"What pigs," Falco replied with a hint of a growl. "And I never want to see that new refugee kid from Quam I told you about- Luca- near me again. I thought we were going to be friends. He doesn't know much Eldian language yet, but he sure knows what the word 'devil' means. He asked some of the local kids what we were to be called, and they told him that too! Like the drunkard asking three drunkard friends if he's able to walk home by himself."
"Did your teacher bother to correct him?"
"Yeah, but Luca claims in the Quaman language, it's the only appropriate translation for one of the Eldian race." He slammed open a textbook. "Anyways, I'm happy the psychiatrist's kid got ill with a spring cold. I did some reading about him in a newspaper article in the inspiring Eldian stories section. Turns out he had another son who was in his first year of the candidate training program three years back because he wanted to help the sick one get medicine. He didn't have time to try to evacuate him before escaping, so there. He got what he was asking for."
"Falco! What the hell is wrong with you?" Gabi screeched.
Nothing, dear. Nothing at all. What was wrong with us? Karina sat as silently as possible, but the chair's creaking seemed to fill the whole kitchen as both the Brauns anticipated an answer. Not that the boy cared.
"Everything, Gabi. Everything caused by everyone around me. I'm just the weakly little runt of the class who's only survived due to stronger people dying. You know I shouldn't be here. Just a lucky little bastard. I wonder what Kobina's theory of evolution would have to say to that. Other animals just ditch their young to live on their own. They just have to survive on instinct. What kind of animal does that make us? Eldian devils? Born in pens and thrown into military vehicles, Eldian offspring must learn how to dodge landmines and racist assholes to grow to adulthood and-"
"Well, you aren't an animal or a devil. You're just a person."
"Not according to this dusty old book. Printed in 828. Eldians are classified as a subspecies of human."
"They haven't had the time or resources to print new books with the depletion of trees. It's not like the teachers are directly following the old texts anyways. We'll just have to stick with our Eldian friends and protest our treatment if we have to. That's what Matilde said her dad and some others on the rights committee are planning to do." Gabi sighed. "I just want you to be you again. I hate it when you're bitter all the time. I don't remember you ever being like this."
"You like the 'old me' when I was too slow to catch up to you and Udo and Zofia? When I was so dumb to think that because not everybody else is a monster from a children's fairytale that we should just be nice and cozy? 'The Jaegerists and the other survivors are just like us.' Yeah, that's the problem. We're the same species, which means we're competing for the same resources. They're going to want their children to do as they bid, and our parents are doing that too. Think about it. Why is your aunt talking to you about Ymir so much? What does she want you to do with that? Is she trying to get you to do what the Eseresoan parents do with their little acolytes in the Church?"
"Falco, shut up. You sound like my dad and mom. I don't want your attitude when my cousin and aunt are suffering so much," Gabi replied brashly. "Learning about my heritage makes me feel good about myself rather than my pedigree the Marleyan government kept track of."
What was it that Gabi was so interested in studying? Sociology? Anthropology? She was intrigued by the concept of "people like her" around the world- those who remained. No wonder after all she went through and meeting the aforementioned people. But she wanted to know more and more that the fleeting copies of preserved books couldn't reveal. So the universities were starting from scratch.
"Wish I could say the same."
"Have you tried asking your parents for anything else they remember? Stupid little scraps about life before the Great Titan War? I think Pieck once told me something she briefly saw about her predecessor from that time and how Commander Oliver hid a whole unit on his back in a swamp for a month. If- when Reiner gets better and feels comfortable, maybe he could tell me if he saw anything. I would have seen anything he saw if I had gotten his Titan."
"So you want to use him for your own little project?"
"No, not like that! It's just fulfilling to learn things about what being an Eldian was and is and what it might be in years to come. I wasn't going to ask you since you don't like to be reminded about your Titan."
"Fine. But I'm sure Reiner is going to be no better than me. Porco told Udo and me all kinds of funny stuff about him off field in the Mid-East War. He was a poor little runt like me but quite good at pledging to bring victory to Marley to make up for his sins as their lap dog. Quite funny to see that image of him sucking up to our oppressors."
"Falco!"
"I didn't believe it back then seeing him on the battlefield, but now I see it. Keeping up all the lies for us and your family, being his mother's boy..."
Oh dear spirits around and above….
"Poor guy, falling apart because of his guilt of making me save you and almost killing us-"
Thwack. Books hit the ground. Falco followed suit from an act of impressive strength of a former girl soldier loyal to keeping up her family honor.
"SHUT UP! DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT!"
Theo barked. Viola cried out. Karina abandoned the kitchen in a mad dash. Falco was slouched over on his knees on the ground, holding his left eye. Gabi stared on in horror, panting. She didn't need a rifle to hit her target with precision. Her eyes fluttered, trying to comprehend the most unexpected sight in front of her. Her eyes filled with tears.
"Gabi… go to the bedroom and stay there until I tell you otherwise."
"Au-aunt K-karina. I- I didn't mean- he said Rein-"
"Go. Now. I heard. Not another word."
There truly was no need for her to defend her cousin like that. The lies he once told for them were still sweet music to her young ears, the ones of little devils and tricksters to crush underfoot, to pass their family name gloriously among Eldians and to save them all from temporal misery. Yet her little boy's pedestal was long ruined by dust and decay, and there was no need to restore it to its former glory.
Gabi pulled herself up and marched to the bedroom, her eyes downcast the whole time. As she should have. Never had she struck someone she cared for with intent to harm before, even as a young child. But as a young blossoming woman? This sudden betrayal of values even struck Karina in her heart. But she'd deal with her niece later. She grabbed the startled Viola and rocked her.
"Falco, are you alright? I'll get you a wet rag." He didn't reply. He crossed his legs and looked away, trying to hide his face. Was it in anger, fear, or embarrassment? Or all three? He sniffled. He was being too quiet for one who had argued in a rage a minute ago.
"I'm not mad at you for what you said about Reiner and me, and it's okay if you're mad at me too. You're still allowed to say as you want. I'll talk to Gabi-"
"I'm fine. I can call my parents or walk home. Just give me a few minutes." Theo sniffed at him, and Falco pulled him in passively, stroking him. Karina went to get him a wet rag. She placed Viola back in her playpen and joined him on the floor. Oh, he looked more like a wizened old man than a young man with life ahead of him. Not the first one in this household.
"Do you think I deserve to suffer because of what I did to my Reiner, Falco? And he does the same for you too? I won't be upset if you say yes."
He dabbed his bruised eye and the little moisture around it, possibly tear drops. His amber eyes shone with anger steaming out of them "Why?" he asked suspiciously.
"I have felt the exact same way you have for much longer."
"Oh great. I can tell my parents to cancel my sessions since I can just come here and listen to my angry girlfriend's aunt tell me her sympathetic life story."
"No," she warned. "You are a very perceptive young man, so I would think that from growing up in the same place as me, you would already know why we pushed our children into doing the bidding of adults."
"War. Poverty. Racism. Greed. Jealousy. Duress. All that stuff caused by suffering that leads to more suffering."
"Right. So many knots in one place that to try untangling them only makes a bigger knot that can't be undone so easily. And then… you expect one person to undo it to no avail. When nobody else wants to face those evils, we become a part of that giant knot."
Falco rubbed his face. "There's no clear answer, is there? I'm just stuck in the mud."
"I'm afraid so. Dear, I wish I could help you more, and you don't have to listen to me, but please, I am sure that every adult out there has their own part of the knot they are trying to unravel. Your psychiatrist. Your parents. Reiner. And me." As the worst of all who caused eighty percent of the world to die because she and her family couldn't embrace an imperfect child for being born.
She stopped herself. A young man his age shouldn't be having to deal with her own issues, ones he would have no experience with when it came to ideas of love and children.
"It's connected like Titan memories were, I guess. Except not just Eldians. Hey, is this how Ymir's people thought?"
"Gabi started telling you, didn't she? I can assure you that there's no indoctrination of any kind going on."
His cheeks blushed. "Uh, a little. Can I call my parents? Gabi probably doesn't want to see me anymore today. Reiner's her cousin and he was kind of her hero growing up."
"Of course."
"But tell her I'm sorry I've been a real devil lately. Her punch felt good on me and I feel a little less angry, so I probably deserved it."
"Falco, that won't be-"
A hard knock hit the door. Falco went to hide himself in the kitchen from the unknown guest while calling his parents. Karina got up to get it, slightly anxious at who it could be. Too many government men had been visiting their home with dire news lately about the Alliance and Reiner, far more intimidating than any telephone call. Why did telephone wires have to have so little privacy? A wonderful invention Eldians had been unable to use, but so much tempting gossip to be a part of.
Instead of suited men, it was a pleasant but unanticipated surprise, maybe a return of favor for her barging in the apartment. He was there, dressed as if he had done so in a hurry, trying to hold himself up on his crutch with one hand and holding a small briefcase with his other bad hand. He really had to stop exerting himself in his condition.
"Levi?"
"Yes? May I enter since I keep ending up here most of the time nowadays? And can you carry this? Onyonkopon had to go in a hurry. Something about the Eldian Committee arranging counter protests."
"They're protesting the city?" She grabbed his briefcase and allowed him inside to settle comfortably. He headed toward the chair, not bothering to ask about the children's school bags left strewn about. Did he not want to sit close by her?
"An important Church leader holding their first major conference since before the Rumbling. Big guy supposedly wishes to start including Eldians in the hierarchy if they convert. Lots of worshippers have damn strong feelings about it, and so do Eldians. If you think they aren't going to butt heads, you've got your head up your ass." He reached for the chair pillow and propped it under his left thigh.
"Why have you come all the way here?" She peaked into the briefcase. A neatly stacked pile of paper stirred from the motion.
He nodded. "The most I've written since military reports. Needed to get it out before treatment." He bowed his head. Treatment. He never liked to cushion the truth of the matter.
"Worried about two weeks from now?"
"Do I sound excited?"
"No, no, I'm sorry. I can't imagine what two weeks from now will bring for me. I've barely done anything useful since the news arrived about Reiner. I don't know what to tell him. I don't know how he is or if they're going to take him elsewhere on the mainland. And now you're-"
"Oi, don't bother. Reiner matters far more than me." His intense gaze caught her heart.
"What? What are you saying?"
"Him before me. You can get him through this. He's the only one directly next in line from you. Mikasa's going to do the same with the Alliance. I've written down anything we discussed and what we could find. You can take a look through. When Onyonkopon comes back, he's going to have it approved and telegrammed. Not written explicitly to her, but just about the clan so it can bypass any suspicion on the island."
Karina gently flipped through the stack of papers. Words blurred into paragraph after paragraph. She recognized some key moments about Ymir the Founder and Ackermans. To see them come alive on paper was miraculous, something good to come from Eldians to other Eldians. A part of themselves immortalized in ink that could have been trampled underfoot forever by oppression or Titans if not for… coincidences? Ymir's will? Eren?
Their bond. Not the one from Marley's myths about the royal family and half truths from Ymir's people but their afternoons and evenings spent, taking steps outside of boundaries imposed by fear and self-doubt. But what was this one document at the end that started with her name addressed?
"You've done way too much work. I wish I could have helped more with how tired you are."
"I only did what I promised. It's time to keep your end of the deal up when Reiner gets back."
Reiner's name was becoming too painful to hear, as if he were a concept to tinker with, to experiment on, to use to make herself content and distracted from another matter she should be involved in.
"I will. But this piece here isn't part of the letter. It's to me. Levi, what is this about?"
He grunted. "First Onyonkopon, now you. Read the room." He rubbed his bad leg, grimacing. "I could be gone in two weeks for good." He swallowed hard and slouched over, his palid face looking whiter. "Dead and gone. But something will be left behind for everyone. And you can take the apartment for yourself and Reiner if you need it. As skeptical as your family is of us, you certainly won't regret this time we've had."
His face was pained, but not from his maladies. Her face hung agape. Was this way of leaving behind a last will?
"Levi, please, don't think that way! I am not going to make funeral plans for you or my son while you both still have a chance to live."
"You have to have a plan in place, Karina," he replied sternly. "There's not enough time left for me to contribute anything more meaningful than what I've already done."
"Yes there is. Take until evening, but get over here and sit with me." He cocked his head. "Now."
He shifted his weight onto his right leg and pulled himself up. The distance between them felt stretched with great depths between. Yet he left his crutch behind, not caring that the dog watched in excitement for a stick to be freed up or that he would be agonized by a few simple steps. He took a seat to her left as if he were in trouble, ashamed of his words.
"Everyone else I've ever known as a comrade or friend or… more than either has gone. And for damn once, I could be in their place."
"Yes, I know." Karina caressed his bad hand, which he did not object to. He spoke straight ahead without eye contact.
"They were all prepared for death but left nothing for their families if they had any. Their insignias if they were lucky. If I go… there's some security to hold onto so it doesn't seem all worthless."
Karina wished she could rip the nails holding the board over the windows in place. The light fixtures were not the same as the sunlight that gave everything life and alleviated melancholia temporarily. He continued.
"You have a lot to look forward to. The brats are going to be thankful for what you've done to help them. They'll go to university and study shit we'll never understand. They'll have to put up a fight for their kind, but they'll have a rock to stand on. And you have your kid. He'll pull through. He's younger, so his head has a better chance of his head getting put back in place. Maybe he'll have to resign as an ambassador, but he could do other things."
What would he do though? He couldn't bring world peace with his training or with speaking at that cursed place. Just what did he want to do with his undeserving family save for Gabi?
"And what will you do if everything goes right and you… stay?"
He didn't respond.
"Levi?"
Viola cooed in her playpen.
"Stay? Tch, if I don't get dissected alive, I'll… whatever I can do when anybody needs something." That didn't sound like a confident lie. Even Gabi was better at fibbing through sneaking extra bread as a little girl. He longed for something everybody longed for, more than mere appreciation.
"I'll need you."
He turned just enough to face her. Karina thought she could see a dried tear stream glisten under his left eye.
"You sure? I can be a huge pain in the ass."
"After what we've lived through, what can be? I don't know whether you'll be here a month from now or if I'll be, but it's good enough for me. I don't want you to be locked in this dark closet alone for the time being if that's what it is."
Levi bit his lip. With his free hand, he reached into his breast pocket and pulled out that tattered insignia he clung onto like a dear child. Two wings, one black and one white. Were there any birds outside, wanting to get in a sanctuary to nest and keep surviving as always? His face settled to soft relief, and for the first time since she first met him, he had the slightest of smiles on his face.
"I can do that." His longing for love filled his piercing eye which regained its shine. He looked much stronger, and Karina felt it as he invited her for a contrasting gentle kiss, which she accepted with equal yearning.