A Middle Aged Boy- A Few Days Back
The sole massive tree towered as its branches embraced the open sky. Its age was unknown to the naive boy who stood beneath, and he could not count the rings even if he wanted to. None could conquer it with the might of an ax or the will of a Titan. It simply existed to live.
The boy blinked. It was taller than the Walls. He wondered where his companions were and why they would want to miss out on this. It may not have been part of the mission, but it was worth an investigation. After all, by all reports, the trees here were unlike any other tree in the world. The tree seemed to yearn for him to approach. This was nothing like home where trees were only grown outside the gate and the one on the training ground.
He paced himself to not upset the mighty being. This was an awesome power worthy of investigating. Why was he doing that? He was told that the last time his people worshiped a goddess, they had really been worshiping a devil. What trouble could he get in for adoring the plant? He hoped his commander wouldn't find out about this. Maybe what they were looking for laid within reach.
Suddenly, the giant tree shrank to the size of a normal tree, much to the boy's disappointment. The air was chilled. Dread came over him. What if it had been his fault? No, it couldn't have been. This was the devil's island after all. They ruined everything they touched. He wasn't like them at all. This was their own trickery.
"Boy, what are you doing here?" A man who seemed familiar to him appeared without warning. "This was the tree where we hanged our butchered pigs."
"Pigs? Why do you do that?"
"You from a city or somethin''? We do it to keep 'em safe from wild animals. Meat's for us only. See them up there?" The man pointed.
The boy squinted then gasped in horror. What he saw hanging from the branches by some squirming white tendrils were not swine corpses but human corpses freshly killed. Dozens of them. Whatever held them in its slimy grasp swung them almost mockingly in front of him.
"You recognize 'em, don't you? These people died when the Titans came. Maybe you can find your family and friends if you join them- your friend understood me well. My kids are in there, you know. You're a pig too." The man stepped under a loose tendril and let the thing loop around his neck and lift him up. There was no struggle as his eyes bulged and his skin turned blue.
It was next to him that the faces of two of his companions blankly stared out with eyes so dark and empty from death. Marcel was nasty to look at, his head barely connected to his neck. Next to him was that woman Ymir. Her limbs were so violently shaken that she crashed into Marcel's corpse like she was a thrown doll.
The boy's eyes bolted in search of his other companions. There were only faces upon faces he didn't recognize, people who died on this island. Maybe Annie had managed to escape. She was always a better fighter than him anyways. They all were.
Then, a slithering tendril inched toward him. He shrieked. This one smothered the upside down cadaver of Bertholdt, taunting him. His body was upside down and shaken like a toy. He wished he could believe he was sleeping, but the eyes of the living weren't hollow. The grass shifted into a sea of sand, and the sky flickered into a nightscape of faint stars whose numbers matched those hanging upon the pig tree.
The boy dashed amidst his panic. It was the only thing keeping him alive like all the other times. Run. Run away. Keep moving forward. There was no knowing what was in the vast horizon. He could only take shelter in the hollow of the tree. He flinched as the tendril caught up to him but slipped out of its grasp. Finally, he had refuge.
Yet safety was just another joke in this world. In plain sight at the center was a girl no older than he was with blank eyes and a gruesome protrusion from her back. Her spine was fused with the spine of a squirming centipede whose limbs stretched out to cover the tree's surface with the butchered people. The girl had no life in her, yet it was her puppet body that finally caught him and pushed him into a deep hole.
A girl's scream echoed in this realm of despair.
Everyone had died because of him, and more were going to die. He cried out, only to be met with the sensation of water enveloping him. He sank. His air was running out. Nobody could hear his pleas. Nobody could reach him down here. The light faded in the watery depths.
He had failed. He was going to simply be no more.
Something was clinging to him. It was stuck on him. Why was it not letting him go?
It was then he realized that someone had screamed at him and thrown water on him.
"Gabi!"
Just when he neared the bottom of the tree, she just had to jump after him. Of course she did. She always trotted after him. Couldn't she just get away from him? It was too dangerous for her to get involved with this.
But maybe, she was the only one who could understand him.
…
Was his mother gone? He hoped that fussing over that not-suicide note he was unaware of the contents of would keep her distracted. She'd better not pry into that too. Or maybe she'd get all uppity about it being from an islander Ackerman who abandoned the group at the end of that fateful day. Whatever it was, he'd deal with it later. Someone else was with him who didn't deserve to get dragged into any of this.
"Why do you want to talk to me?" Gabi raised an eyebrow. She sat on Martino's bed opposite Reiner's. He didn't blame her. It looked like he pissed the bed.
"You hit Falco."
"Really? Really? Are you my extra dad now too? As if I'm not being chastised enough! You'd be mad too after what Falco said about you!"
He sighed. He must have slept for over twelve hours but still felt like he'd been hit with a sledgehammer. "Gabi. I don't care."
She stared at him. "Why not?"
"Come on. Our whole unit saw some of the notes from the brass on your class. He's was a good thinker, always found a reason to justify why someone wanted him dead or a Titan. Hell, it was far past the time for him to get angry." I had it coming, he nearly added. "Levi told me about it yesterday when I locked you outside. Tell me why he shouldn't be angry at me."
"Um… because… well…" she trailed off, but was unable to come up with a satisfactory answer. She looked at her feet. "I guess Aunt Karina said I can still love our family but know that none of us have always been right about everything."
"That's right." He thought he felt his pulse pick up slightly. First time he felt something good in months if he was honest with himself. Maybe there really was hope for her future after all. But that had come from his mother? That was almost equally impressive. "You probably want some other answers out of me too."
"I'll wait until you're better."
When would that be? It depended on when the hollow tree bottom beckoned him next, the great almighty joke of that tendril-limbed parasite embracing a pig like him for its next meal. He'd slipped away once from it, but it would come for him. He felt it. It lingered in him.
"Thanks. Come here." For now, he could hold Gabi close to him. She appreciated it, even if he was just as bad as the parasite for almost making her the next host. She needed his love though, as imperfect as it was.
"Reiner?"
"Yeah?"
"Aunt Karina was in your room last night. Martino and I were outside listening. We heard you crying from the hallway. We were scared."
She'd been standing there too? Well, he couldn't upset her more than he had already.
"Yeah. I was too. Still am. Lots of things are messing with my head."
"Don't be! We'll help you! Aunt Karina wants you to be well!"
"I know." He still felt that he didn't deserve any kind and compassionate touch. Except maybe from the one who could understand glimmers of his memories. "Gabi, do you think that your parents will ever understand the island?"
Her brown eyes twinkled with a solemn glow. She had gotten to understand a piece of the world without devouring him alive yet at the high cost of so much dear to her. The island was an intruding force that penetrated their being. The essence of it merely existing and assigned as threat in its own right like a creature that haunted the night. Something about it was powerful in its own right, Titans or not. They would never shake it off. "I don't know. Do you think the other ambassadors will do a good job?"
His body tensed. He didn't want to think of their faces as they watched him be taken away as if he had truly descended to the bottom. Why had they wasted concern? They'd all be better without him anyway, a gross creep. "I hope they can."
"I still want Mom and Dad to meet Kaya and her family. But if they don't succeed…. I don't want to think about that. We should be one Eldia. But that's not going to happen, is it?"
"All it took was one-hundred years and an ocean to separate the Eldians, Gabi." He suddenly felt tired again. His head throbbed. He laid back on his soaked pillow. Geopolitical discussions in his state made him feel worse.
"The Great Titan War too. Our great-grandfather fought in that. Aunt Karina's been telling us all kinds of stories about life and our family before the Internment Zone." Gabi inched closer to him. "I don't think Mom and Dad like it very much because our great-grandmother was a temple keeper for Ymir and they don't want to bring her up to anyone because they think we'll start worshiping her and making the world uncomfortable by saying her name."
Most of these words were a blur to Reiner. Something about his mother and Ymir? Why did she have to bring these topics up? Especially Ymir? That girl. Woman? The host. That's what she was. The host who was only so inclined to share her parasite. She made him stay alive this whole time. Just her scheme to escape her own hell. Pass it on to somebody else.
"Hmm?"
"Uh… oops. Did I say something wrong? It's a long story. I'll explain it to you later." Gabi gave him an awkward side hug. "I'm sorry I got you wet. I can get you some more water."
"Thanks," he muttered, trying to get comfortable again. "Just watch your temper. Falco needs us both."
"Gabi?" a voice softly called following a tender knock on the door. It was his Aunt Tina. She opened the door about half way. "Why don't you come out? I'll refill the pitcher. I'm sorry I let you do that. Reiner, I'm sorry about this."
"Okay." Gabi picked it up and left. He just hoped his mother wouldn't come in the room again. He wouldn't be able to keep it together otherwise. He didn't want to dwell too much on what Gabi just blurted about Ymir and her. Was she acting out because of him and just wanted to encourage him to get well? It wasn't too much like Gabi to lie. What kinds of things could his mother have been telling her?
She had hardened with time and that damn island and those damn Titans and the face of the fucking devil Eren Jaeger himself. She wasn't in his mother's warm caress as she fed her the promise of a better life because he was a hero who was going to slaughter the islanders. Why the hell would she want to talk to her about the host, the girl with the cursed, scorned name with such enthusiasm?
Hell, only his mother would know that one. Probably the only reason she spared him before he was born, only to push him into such a dark fate without escape.
He buried his face into his pillow, wanting a taste of those eerie waters the host wanted him to plunge into. Oh, how he hated her and loved her so much.
She wanted him alive. She wanted her wish- whatever that may be now- to come true.
…
The Other Side of the Ocean- Back in the Present
She wasn't going to let herself rest. This household had to be kept clean and spotless.
Baby Viola was getting around too well for her own good. She got into everything her chubby hands could grab, and it was practically a game to stop her from eating dust and crumbs off the floor. Gabi had been put to this duty while Karina swept the floor.
"Here, take your ring," Gabi offered with a begging undertone.
Viola threw it and cackled. She was quite the trickster at her age. She didn't care if it nearly hit an empty glass cabinet.
"No!" Gabi scolded. "Aunt Karina! How do I make her stop?"
"Dear, you have to be patient with her. You were a little tyrant at that age too, and older."
Gabi was quite the monster for a toddler girl. She scared Martino straight despite him being three and a half years her senior. He knew to heed caution if he dared to ruin her block towers or took a toy she wasn't done playing with. If Reiner hadn't been as strong as he was when he was twelve, he wouldn't have had the fortitude to handle her either. To Marley, they had been just devils in disguise as little ones.
Well, maybe there was a little devil hidden in them still. Viola wailed as Gabi scooped her up to stop her from touching an outlet. She squirmed in her much older sister's grasp.
"I had to be if I wanted to survive in a home with two older boys!"
Karina dumped the dustpan contents into the garbage bin. The last of the filth was gone. "And you're still doing so wonderfully, dear. I still have to put up with my younger brothers, you know."
Gabi snorted as Viola tried tugging her hair. "I've never seen you and them get so uptight about anything since this…." Gabi peered around to make sure nobody else had slipped inside the house on this nice day which they were spending outside, trying to learn to garden with some neighbors. "Since you brought up the stuff about Ymir."
A bundle of memories seeped through her mind which contradicted her niece's assessment of their family life. The shock on their faces when she confessed her sin. Mateo giving her nothing but silence. Young Giuseppe- who was no older than Gabi now- suddenly knowing what fearing for his life meant. His admiration toward her lost. All the shunning behind her back. Him burying his head into pamphlets and short stories for the general populace to reaffirm that they deserved to be left to a life of rotting behind high walls.
"Did you know that after the Eldian capture of Ferma in 665…" Giuseppe eyed Karina as she exited the kitchen with some water. Her morning nausea hadn't ceased in the second trimester. "... that we kidnapped over 30,000 women and children, and the nobles of the major Eldian houses made at least half of them into concubines? No wonder Eldians are only allowed to mingle with Eldians."
She bit her lip. "That's right, brother."
"And the women were no better. One time, a young woman named Plotina was trained from a young age to mingle among the people of Quao. She led their nobleman astray, and she bore six sons before her husband died. And when he died, she revealed her Titan in her. Thus a wholly pure bloodline died." He dropped the pamphlet on the table. "Let's pray the people of Marley may repopulate what they lost without our filthy blood in it."
Karina thought she felt something in her rounding abdomen flutter. She placed her free hand on… it. "I'm not that whorish deceiving devil!" she feebly protested.
"It wasn't?" He sneered. "But you're supposed to watch yourself when in company of-"
"Hush down! What if the P.A's are listening?" She felt her eyes whelm with tears.
Giuseppe rolled his eyes. "Ymir deceived the Devil. Eldian men have our Father's desires to conquer. Eldian women have Ymir's deceitful lust. Didn't our father teach you this as a little girl?" His babyish face twisted into a nightmarish scowl.
Karina rushed out as fast as her aching body could support her. The water in the glass sloshed, and so did her stomach. She barely made it to the creaky washroom where she dropped and shattered the glass and vomited through sobs into the sink.
"Oh, well, most of us are more like Ymir Fritz than we liked to think." The real Ymir Fritz, wasn't she? "And not just by blood."
Viola drooled on Gabi's top. She grimaced. "Eww. I swear. I'm never having babies. Maybe I'll adopt an orphaned kid my age. We're not that difficult, are we?"
For the first time in a while, Karina laughed. "If only it were that simple." And if only she had known how to be a good mother in the first place. But she wasn't going to let her suspended guilt cloud this moment. "Here, you can give her to me. Go see if your Aunt Sigrid needs help with the flower pots."
"Alright. Are you going to check on Reiner soon?"
"I am."
"How long are we going to let him stay in there? He barely gets up."
"When he's ready."
Gabi tapped her foot. "He's like a dog in a crate. Do these psychiatrists do house calls? Bring one here. Should have asked Onyankopon while he was here."
When her parents had brought up the idea of the psychiatrist to her, Gabi seemed rather accepting of it. She seemed almost relieved. Perhaps they had come a long way since the antiquated asylum in Liberio's squalid ghetto- just how antiquated it was blindsided them. Though it was a matter of whether the people in this new world had changed or not toward Eldians rather than how nice the building was. They had to trust Onyankopon to find the right people. What an upright man he was.
Still, the mere idea of things being done to her boy that could hurt him more lingered in her mind. Maybe her just being in the room with him for prolonged periods was too painful for him to handle. Her brothers' wives had been very gracious to deliver him food and water, which he had in increments. He hadn't spoken much to anybody except for Gabi, who snuck in when she could just to sit with him. When asked what she was talking to him about, she claimed it was about something none of them would understand. It didn't take too long to figure out it was about the island.
Theo barked outside. Nobody seemed to be panicking, so it must have been somebody they recognized. Some voices and shuffling. Then a quick knock on the door.
"I'll get it!" Gabi exclaimed. She swung the door open. Karina felt her heart flutter at the knocker when she saw him. But also some anxiety. He wasn't looking too well. Behind him was Onyankopon.
"Hey! What are you doing here?"
"Gabi, move out of the way," Karina barked. She didn't want him fainting in the doorway. Onyankopon guided him from behind as he slowly crutched his way inside.
"Is this about what you're writing, or-"
"Why don't you go outside and help your mother with the flowers? It's a little different than tending to potted ones." She gave Gabi a gentle shove and shut the door. Always so full of questions. Maybe she was starting to think of just too many questions. Oh, she hoped the Grice's boy had abided by his word too.
Levi sat in the armchair and took a moment to collect himself. "Sorry for barging in. Lovely day for gardening out there. Inside's just fine too though." He eyed her. Oh, he didn't have to do this in his condition. Not that she could complain.
"The Eldian Committee here suggested this. It's supposed to help the environment here and make things look more colorful. And many of us never got to have gardens in Liberio. Just small windowsill pots."
"If I were in any condition, I'd help. But I'm not here for that. Onyankopon here brought me the letter."
The letter? Of course, that one she wanted to read so much but knew better to put aside and entrust to their reliable messenger. Nobody other than Gabi, Reiner, Onyankopon, and herself knew about this letter, and now Levi. She put Viola down in her playpen. This must have been rather urgent if he traveled all the way here to discuss it.
"What did it say?"
Levi looked hesitant and checked around. "Where's your nephew? Didn't see him outside. Don't want him gossiping."
"Martino's still asleep with Reiner. That boy got a bit too excited with the wine last night. His tongue will be tight for a while."
"Tch, it better. This needs to stay private."
Onyankopon went for the door. He was rather quiet.
"You can stay," Karina insisted.
"It's alright. I shouldn't poke my head into this. I think your family needs a little help with the spacing outside." He slipped outside without another word. That just left the two of them and a little girl too young to speak.
"Mikasa had a lot to say. She wants us to be together again." He exhaled. "It's a goddamn miracle either of us are alive." He pulled the crisply folded letter out of his shirt pocket. "You can read it if you want."
"Are you sure?"
"Come on, Onyankopon said you insisted I read it first since Mikasa is my side of the family."
"What? I didn't say that."
"Well, he did. Word from the Eldian Committee according to him is there's some gossip about me being around here a lot. Hell knows what the neighbors think is happening. Do they think I'm some kind of escort? Better family than whatever spying eyes like to imagine."
Karina twinged. "Damn it. My brother better not catch word of this." She rubbed her forehead. Who knew what he could imagine if he drew the connection?
"Didn't seem to be bothered by me out there. Why don't you read the letter yourself?" Levi waved the letter temptingly in front of her. She gave in and took it, taking a few minutes to read. Then, she had to read it again. And a third time.
I felt I had nothing left…. I only felt pure resentment and anger. Why did it have to be me to do it? Why did Ymir choose me?
Why did Ymir choose me?
The poor girl's pain radiated through the pristine cursive. Hers wasn't the only one in the room. Why had she been allowed to live for this moment?
This is why I continue to fight. I want to win this battle. I want to see you again. We have so many things to tell each other.
She finally garnered the strength to put the letter down despite Levi's unwavering patience with her. "She really is one of your clan."
"Isn't she? It was enough to get me off my ass and over here."
"You didn't have to."
"Tch, I did. And not as a service."
Karina put a hand on his shoulder. He smiled slightly. She knew better than to try for another kiss, not with her family separated by a door and a wooden pane over the window, and not with his discomfort. It took time to accept the presence of an island devil in their home, in part thanks to Reiner's vigilance and persistence of getting the family adjusted to their new world outside of Liberio and the fact that they now had real Eldians just like them among them.
Yet the mere idea of two Eldians separated by the ocean being together like… this was almost laughable at best and a disgrace at worst. As a little girl, she would have laughed. It was like falling in love with a mud-covered pig that dirtied the living room. And he surely had helped dirty their little corner of the world on the first of the horrible days years back as a devil in the sky.
Why did that not make her blood boil? She had lamented and prayed for the death of them all as their plaza was filled with smoke for days on end and pieces of bodies strewn about the rubble. Nobody could make any sense of it. Not the attack, nor the play. Marley had lied to them all these years? How had Marley failed them to prevent Eren Jaeger from emerging from concealment among them? And why had those island people who fluttered those ominous black and silver wings across the ocean listened to Eren in the first place if they were truly against him in the end?
She wasn't sure whom she despised worse then. Then to have both Marleyan and Eldian devils mingle together if only as a desperate measure to survive, and then… the dark room.
She had been brought back for a reason, or so she believed this to be true. There had to be a purpose to being alive and stuck among those who were her once her enemies. There needed to be. She was going to stop this spinning cycle from repeating again. Though it was rather difficult given she'd made a deal with a devil of a man and nearly lost her son. Twice over.
Karina sighed. He wasn't innocent, and he knew it well. He never asked for any kind of forgiveness for anything, and he certainly did not ask for their late sprung pity for him after some time to realize their own wrongdoings. But why did he even regard her as somebody whom we went to see on a whim and prefer to call his family?
Eldian men have our Father's desires to conquer. Eldian women have Ymir's deceitful lust.
Only thinking of those words hurt her ears as much as when her brother shunned her. No. He did not want to conquer. That wasn't like him. He never asked for any of this. But she had, hadn't she? She had invited him over in the first place. On the blood of Marley. Was she just making a fool of herself?
"Here, would you like anything?" She anticipated his usual request.
"No." He didn't look at her.
"Are you sure it was a good idea to come here? You're very weary."
"I'll be fine. I just… didn't want to be alone. The Grice's were by last night. Falco was happy to fill in some details to his parents about this– Ymir, I mean. Not us, specifically. They don't mind being her children."
"Of course not."
"They're doing their best to help their brat. He's got quite the entanglement of string going. It looks like a clump of worms, but whatever helps him not scream until his throat bleeds."
Karina laughed for the second time that day. Nothing could disgust her anymore than her own undeserved life she led. "I'm glad. Gabi is doing better as well, but she'll be seeing that psychiatrist with Falco soon."
Levi nodded. "And what about Reiner? He's glued to his bed, isn't he? How much more time do you think you'll give him?"
"As much as he needs."
"He's not a damn prisoner even if he thinks he ought to be. You don't want him to get dragged away and locked up for real, do you?"
Karina frowned. "Of course not. They're not going to take him, and that's that."
"Then you need to get him up. Do you want him to die like a bug trapped in a windowsill?"
Was this really Levi talking? Being in so much pain must have made him sour. How could he want to distress her Reiner?
"Are you saying I want him to live like this?"
"Then what do you want to do?"
Anything but lose him. What was her option? It was to…. To….
"Talk to him. But he's not saying much when even Tina and Sigrid go in. He talks to Gabi, but we don't want to use her as a messenger."
Levi muttered something to himself then eyed her. "Tch. You want me to say something to him?"
Why was he so good at figuring out intentions? If only she could get better at reading others'. "If it wouldn't trouble you. But only if you want to."
Levi sprawled back in the armchair. "Alright. I suppose we are unofficially family. Not sure what everyone else would think of that, but better than the other option."
She felt a wave of relief come over her. "Thank you, dear. We ask too much of you sometimes."
"Maybe it's because I've asked too little of others before." His good eye shimmered with a touch of emotion, and he shook it off. "Why don't you head outside with Viola? Everyone else must be entertaining their imaginations about us."
"Oh, I will. I think Viola will love the flowers. We got some of the kind she's named after. Just have to make sure she doesn't try to eat them." The baby gurgled at the sound of her name. Levi needed a few more moments to recover from his last stretch of the journey.
Karina picked up the baby and opened the door. Some sunlight made its way into the house. It was very welcome to join them.
…
Onyankopon entertained little Viola with Gabi under the tree. They had to stop her from ripping up the loose soil where the carcass of a desperate bird rested. But she quickly grew excited watching an ant crawl by.
"No! Don't kill it!" Gabi pleaded as a baby's palm flattened it to the ground. They'd have to teach her to respect the wildlife another day. What was remaining of it, that was.
The flowerbeds looked gorgeous with shades of purple flowing carelessly in the breeze. A window box back in Liberio only took up a small fraction of what they had here.
"There," she patted the last of the soil. Karina could only hope this one would last in the tensions with vandals prowling about, or worse. She hoped other things would last too.
"Does Levi have a windowsill pot at his apartment?" Tina asked. "He might like to take some back with him. Give him something to look at and care for when he's out of the hospital."
"I think he'll need to rest up. I'm sure the Grice's can come by to help him," Giuseppe replied quickly.
Karina wanted to roll her eyes, but as usual, he had reason. "Yes. We don't want to rush him around more than we have to. I'm surprised he wanted to come today to check on Reiner."
"Me too, Karina." Karina saw him bite his own tongue deliberately after he caught her glare.
"He has his ways. Sweet of him to want to help."
"Not complaining about that. Trouble is, his ways make things rather… unpredictable."
Karina didn't want to start an argument. "I'll go make sure there's no trouble going on inside. It's been a while." She passed Sigrid and Mateo along the way as they finished with some larger pots. It would be a good idea to check on their drunken boy as well.
"Ms. Braun? Gabi went inside for a drink," Onyankopon said.
She left the door open wide enough to let the sunlight in. She hoped that the boarded windows could open again soon. But life as it was remained unpredictable from day to day.
It remained so unpredictable that she did not anticipate hearing a triple succession of what sounded like shouts and expletives coming from where Reiner was sleeping. Damn it. What was going on now? The bedroom door was wide open. She wasted no time rushing over even if she trailed some dirt from the garden. But Gabi beat her to the bedroom by darting from the bathroom across the hall.
"What are you doing! Reiner! Get off of them! Reiner!" She screeched.
"Gabi! What's going on?" Karina nearly screeched herself. She flicked the lights on, and oh, she was less upset and more bewildered than anything. She wasn't sure whom she felt worse for: Reiner who looked like an animal who caught sight of a hunter, Levi who was pinned under him in a splay with his bad leg sticking out as he tried to push him off, or Martino whose lower body was caught under the weight of both of them as his upper body hung upside down on his own bed.
Gabi blushed. "Uh…."