The Girl Who Shouted I At The Heart Of The World

by A.F. Oliver

Few get a second chance at living, let alone two or three. Rei Ayanami never knew what to do with the lives she had until it was too late. Getting another chance at living could mean a world of difference. After all, life is an ever changing thing and even the smallest of changes can reverberate across the world.

63. Finding Our Way

Chapter 63 – Finding Our Way

It had been hours of tossing and turning in her futon but Misato still couldn't relax into slumber. The events of the day weighed too heavily on her mind to allow for sleep. Though she was quite relieved to have mended things with Ritsuko a little bit she couldn't keep her mind off of Shinji's seemingly unending downward spiral.

The entire drive home from NERV he'd barely said anything. She'd tried to ask him about whatever it was that happened between him and Commander Fuyutsuki but he only said they'd played shogi. That was it, that was all she'd gotten out of him, despite having a stack of three cassette tapes in his hands. She didn't want to push him, she knew he was going through a lot, but it still hurt being shut out like that. He was just about the only family she had, him and Asuka, and seeing both of them so deeply messed up wasn't easy... but she couldn't brig herself to press him on that car ride as to what those tapes were or what he'd been up to while avoiding visiting his friends.

The rest of the evening after getting back to the apartment was much the same, a pensive silence hanging in the air between them.

She'd done her best to cook to the standards Shinji usually did that evening just to give him a break. She would have ordered some nice take out to give him a break but since the majority of the city was in ruins that wasn't an option. Ultimately she'd settled for pan noodles and peppers but it didn't turn out all that great. Even so Shinji ate it without complaint. They'd sat together in silence during the meal until they'd finished. After that she'd gone to her bedroom and Shinji ended up laying on the floor watching television for hours until it was dark out. No matter which way she looked at it, the atmosphere in the apartment was very tense and she didn't know how to alleviate it. That was why she'd been laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. The guilt for not being able to help her ward and the pain of not knowing how to do so was killing her...

She sat up in bed and ran a hand through her messy hair with a heavy sigh, looking over at Penpen who'd come to sleep beside her, finding him slumbering soundly. "I really screwed up as a guardian, huh?" she murmured softly.

The bird continued sleeping soundly, the sound of his contented breathing filling her ears. She frowned and gave him a little scratch on the back of his neck... but then something caught her attention, a sound coming from the living room...

It sounded like ragged breathing, sobbing, and instantly Misato's eyes went wide. She froze up. In seconds she put the pieces together and realized Shinji hadn't gone to his bedroom for the night and ended up sitting in the living room even at this late hour. She bit her lip and winced as a truly guttural sob washed over her. She hated that he was feeling like this but what good could her going and intervening have? She wasn't sure she had the capacity to comfort him.

But she had to try. She had to try and be there for him. She'd spent too long being a neglectful guardian to both him and to Asuka. It was time to put a stop to that trend. Nervously, she rose to her feet and moved to her door, sliding it open slowly and peered out. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight before her...

There sat Shinji in the middle of the floor, his headphones in his ears, his tape player on the floor beside him, weeping uncontrollably, desperately wiping his eyes with both his hands, his whole body jerking and trembling with each sob... and then he spoke, his voice a ragged gasp.

"Dad... I- I..." he croaked out, his voice full of pain before shuddering and wincing, sobbing uncontrollably.

Misato felt her own eyes start to sting as she took it all in. So those tapes were from Commander Ikari, something he must have prepared in case of his death. If that was the case then no wonder Shinji was so torn up. Part of her couldn't help but feel a little jealous. If only her own father could have left her with some final words of wisdom or something like whatever the commander had left him with. Still, she couldn't just stand there. She couldn't just let him sit there and sulk in his sorrow. No, she had to reach out to him...

"Shinji..." she called out to him from the doorway.

He flinched and looked up at her with a genuinely sorrowful expression, his eyes overflowing with tears. "M- Misato-san?" he croaked out.

Misato moved across the room and sat down beside him, nervously reaching out and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Hey... are you okay?" she whispered even though she knew the answer.

She watched as his eyes squinted shut and he shook his head softly before hanging his head, his whole body shaking as the tears continued falling.

Misato couldn't bear it any longer and pulled him into an embrace. Instantly she felt him tense up but she wouldn't let him go. It was all that was within her capacity to try and help him, that silent physical gesture of concern and compassion. She wanted to show him that she cared, that she was there for him, that whatever he was dealing with that he didn't have to face it alone. "I'll be okay..." she whispered to him, rubbing his back gently as she did.

Shinji relaxed for a moment and then he reached up and dug his fingers into the back of her sleep shirt, a new wave of sobs wracking his body, holding on to her tight. "He... he said he..." he whimpered softly.

If he said anything more Misato couldn't hear it. The fabric of her shirt and how tightly he was pressing his face into her shoulder would have muffled it anyway. She closed her eyes and kept on rubbing his back. "I know it's hard..." she whispered to him. "But whatever it is, it'll be okay..."

The two of them sat there on the floor for some time but eventually the poor boy's sobs began to slow. His grip on the back of her shirt began to loosen and he pulled back from her. Even in the low light she could see how red and puffy his eyes were. Even in that low light of the moon she could see that something had changed in his eyes, something that she couldn't quite place. His lips curved upward in a somber, awkward smile. "Thank you, Misato-san..." he murmured softly. "Thank you for being there for me..."

The sincerity in his voice was striking They caused her eyes to sting. Even if he felt that way she knew she hadn't been the guardian he needed and never had. Still, it felt so humbling to hear him say such a thing. For now on she would be the guardian she should have always been. Misato reached out and clasped his hand between both of hers. "Of course I'm here for you..." she responded warmly.

Shinji hung his head and leaned into her shoulder once again, sniffling, his tears starting anew. "M- my dad... h- he... he said... he said he loved me..." she croaked out between ragged breaths.

Misato embraced him once again, tears slipping from her own eyes as she did. Her thoughts drifted back to the look she'd seen in Commander Ikari's eyes when he'd left the bridge during the battle. She was happy for him, that he'd gotten the kind of closure she never had... "He did..." she murmured softly into the top of Shinji's head. "I know he did..."

"It hurts..." Shinji whimpered. "It really hurts... that he's gone..."

Misato pulled him tighter to soothe him. "I know..." she murmured.

"I don't have any family anymore..." he croaked and sobbed. "I don't want to be alone..."

Misato's lip quivered and she forced a smile. She pushed him back gently and grabbed his cheek, forcing him to look at her. "You're my family, Shinji-kun..." she stated firmly and earnestly. She meant that statement from the bottom of her heart.

His eyes went wide and he stopped his sobbing. "A- are we?" he croaked.

Misato nodded, wiping away at her own tears. This poor boy... even after all this time he still couldn't see just how much he meant to her. It really tugged at her heartstrings. "Of course we are..." she murmured softly, giving his shoulders a tender squeeze.

His lips began to quiver and his tears renewed in force. Misato had no time to react before he threw his arms around her and held her so tight she fought to breathe. She returned the gesture in kind and crushed him to her. Even through her tears she found herself smiling. This was what it meant to be a guardian, to be a parent, to have a family, something she'd ignored for far too long...

She wouldn't trade it for the world...

---

The sun was low in the sky. Snowflakes were dancing in the air. The frigid air bit at his exposed face, but Ryouji Kaji strode forth across the tarmac of airbase he found himself at with a newfound sense of purpose and vigor, clutching a briefcase tightly in his hand...

After being released from their bonds and properly fed and clothed, he and Fujita had attended a task force meeting the previous day outlining what the documents pulled from NERV's records contained. He'd barely been able to keep his eyes open during it because he knew just about everything that was being said but even so he'd left that meeting with a newfound sense of determination and anger. Knowing for certain that the Second Impact was intentional, that his brother and his friends had been killed by proxy in some scheme dreamed up by evil maniacs was infuriating...

And now he was looking forward to bringing those evil fuckers to justice...

"Shit it's cold..." Fujita grumbled as he shuffled up to walk beside him. "I can't ever remember it being this cold..."

"Would you like it if I gave you my jacket as if you were a woman accompanying me on a winter date?" Kaji retorted with a smirk as he continued marching toward the C-130 Hercules cargo plane he and his compatriot were set to board.

"Fuck off..." Fujita grumbled with a scowl. "I'll be fine so long as the climate control works on the plane..."

"You expect the amenities to work on a military vehicle?" Kaji taunted, barely suppressing a wry laugh. "You should know better as a man with intimate knowledge of the military intelligence apparatus..."

Fujita chuckled as they continued onward toward their ride. "I suppose I had that one coming. At least when we transfer flights Korea we'll be flying civilian from there..." he replied quietly before going on to levy an inquiry. "So... once we reach Prague... what do you think will happen then?"

"We do what we're told," Kaji returned as they reached the rear ramp of the plane and stepped inside. "We follow our orders and execute the mission that was given to us."

"Obviously," Fujita scoffed as he sat down in one of the seats in the cargo hold of the plane and fastened his seat belt. "Pardon me for being cynical, but the last time either of us were following the orders of the state it led us both to some... unexpected places."

Kaji sat down next him and allowed himself a little smirk over that comment. It was very true that the last time they'd been working for the government properly that things had gone very much sideways. Perhaps it was possible that things would cause them to deviate from their orders but it didn't seem likely. "This should be rather straight forward," he stated in response, opening up the briefcase he'd brought with him and taking out a file contained within. "The records from NERV's database were a treasure trove of information."

The ramp at the back of the plane began to close with a mechanical whirring noise. "Yeah..." Fujita grumbled bitterly. "Something we should honestly get a little more credit for helping gain access to..."

Kaji gave his friend a wan smile. "We spies seldom get the credit we deserve, Tetsuo," he replied softly. "At least publicly."

Fujita sighed. "I suppose that's the essence of the job," he returned quietly. "So... do you think he'll be where they say he'll be?"

Kaji opened the manila folder in his hand and began flipping through the pages contained within to refresh himself on their mission, something he'd been doing periodically since their briefing the previous evening. He stared at the blurry photograph of their target and scowled. Matyas Kolinski, SEELE number 13, was last sighted in Prague at the St. Vitus cathedral two days prior. This wasn't much to go on, but the government was grasping at straws anyway. The location of Keel Lorenz was still unconfirmed but a number of his associates were already in custody but refused to give up information. A number had taken suicide pills instead of talking... but perhaps Kolinski would be different, if he could be found.

According to the dossier, Kolinski was aged sixty five, stood one hundred seventy eight centimeters in height, and weighed around sixty kilos. He was wiry framed with protruding cheek bones and a thin nose, had gray hair with a widows peak that was balding in the rear, and possessed greenish brown eyes. According to what little information had been uncovered he'd once been the man responsible for overseeing the archaeological branch of SEELE and even solicited funding for the Katsuragi expedition. Kaji's blood boiled even looking at him. To know that he was partly responsible for the event that led to the death of his family was infuriating. Part of him wished he could simply kill the man on sight pending they were able to capture him... but he knew that wouldn't bode well for him, especially considering how conditional his freedom was at present. "One can only hope..." he muttered in response.

There was a pause before Fujita spoke again. "You want to kill this bastard, don't you..." he stated softly but firmly.

Kaji clenched his jaw and nodded. "I do..." he hissed bitterly.

There was another long pause. "Do you think you can control yourself?" Fujita inquired, concern evident in his tone.

Instantly Kaji's mood shifted and he choked back laughter. Something about the way that statement was said, and who was saying it, was genuinely hilarious. "Asks the man who I fully expect to peruse the red light district as soon as we're off the plane?" he retorted.

Fujita smirked, closed his eyes, and leaned back in his seat, folding his arms behind his head as he did. "Won't be happening this time, Ryouji," he replied. "For your information, I'm still holding out hope I can smooth things over with Okazaki."

The engines of the plane began spooling up, filling the cargo hold with a low whining hum. Kaji smiled softly. "You're really taken with her, huh?" he responded quietly.

Fujita shrugged. "What can I say?" he replied with a little laugh of his own. "I kinda have a thing for mousy girls with glasses. Everyone has a type, just like you have a thing for women who could probably kick your ass."

Kaji laughed softly once again before looking away from his friend, his mind filling with thoughts of Misato. He genuinely wished he'd had time to at least give her a call, to let her know he was still among the living, but he knew that would only infuriate her. He knew it would only twist the knife if he ended up dead at the end of this next adventure too... and so he'd refrained from calling her, both for her sake and for his. If he'd reached out to her she might have broken his will to keep going on this impossible mission he'd dedicated his life to if she'd begged him to abandon it... "She can do a lot more that just kick my ass..." he mused softly. "I'd be surprised if she doesn't shoot me the next time she sees me..."

Fujita waited a moment before speaking again. "And I thought my lady troubles were bad..." he teased quietly.

The both of them couldn't help but have a little laugh at that one...

---

Touji panted, groaned, and heaved as he lurched himself off of the toilet of his hospital room's bathroom and into his wheelchair after finishing his morning shit. Something one never hears about spending a long period of time comatose is how much the muscles atrophy and how that can make the simplest of tasks arduous. Of course missing a leg made it all the more worse. He lurched himself to the sink and washed his hands. It could have been worse though. He could have met his end in that damned entry plug after all...

"Are you alright in there, pilot Suzuhara?" the nurse outside the bathroom called him him.

"Yes..." he called back between pants as he dried his hands on the towel in the bathroom. "I'm fine..."

A smile crept across his face as he adjusted his hospital gown to cover himself. Indeed, he was rather happy considering what he'd been informed of the previous evening...

In the evening one of the doctors had examined him and taken measurements of his stump. When asked why this was happening he'd been informed that it was for the fitting of a prosthetic, that soon enough he'd be able to walk on his own two feet, or foot, as it were, once again. Perhaps with time he'd be able to run and jump again, to play basketball again... the odds were certainly long but it was a dream he would pursue nonetheless. With that in mind he leaned forward and opened the door before pushing himself back into his hospital room.

The nurse in the room smiled at him. "How did everything go?" she asked.

Instantly his smile faded. "I might be a cripple but I'm capable of wiping my own ass," he retorted bitterly.

The nurse nodded, her smile fading away. "Fair enough," she replied. "Are you ready to get back on your feet?"

Touji's smile returned. Indeed he was looking forward to doing just that, though the possible weeks of physical therapy and learning how to walk again was certainly daunting. He supposed it couldn't be helped though. It was simply an unpleasant part of the process to recovery. At the same time part of him saw it just like any other workout. The old adage of no pain no gain still rang true. "You know it," he responded. "Lets get started."

The nurse grinned and nodded in response to his words. "Would you mind if I wheeled you to the physical therapy room?" she asked. "I'd advise saving your strength."

He nodded back. "I don't mind," he replied, placing his one remaining foot on the chair's footrest and gestured to his stump. "So long as I get my new leg I don't care what happens outside of that."

The nurse laughed and moved toward him. "That's a pretty good attitude to have, Pilot Suzuhara," she responded as she grabbed hold of the handles on the back of his wheelchair and started pushing him toward the door.

The journey to the PT room took a bit longer than he would have liked it to but he knew it was his own eagerness and impatience making him feel this way. Soon enough he was there, being wheeled inside where a male instructor awaited him. "Good morning, Suzuhara-kun," the man spoke warmly. "I'm Dr. Matsui, Are you ready to start your rehabilitation?"

Somehow it felt relieving to be addressed without his pilot title even though this doctor was being a bit too friendly for his liking. "Is this the part where I get my new leg?" he asked.

Dr. Matsui turned to a nearby table and lifted up a plastic and steel prosthesis along with a tubular piece of cloth that Touji could only assume would be used to wrap his stump. "Indeed it is," the doctor said as he moved over to him, handing him the sock-like piece of fabric.

Touji leaned down and slid the stretchy covering over his stump and then Dr. Matsui knelt down before him, strapped the prosthesis on over it, affixing it firmly. It felt a little tight and uncomfortable but he supposed he'd get used to it. Moments later the doctor stepped back, holding out a hand. "Alright," he said. "Let's get down to business. I'll help you stand and then we'll start with the basics."

Touji scowled. He didn't like being made to feel powerless like this... "I can stand on my own," he bit back bitterly.

Dr. Matsui smiled and gave an understanding nod, taking a step back. "Very well," he said. "Go ahead and stand, Suzuhara-kun."

Touji set the brakes on his wheelchair and firmly grasped the armrests. His arms still didn't have their strength back fully but he forced himself up in spite of it. He set his left foot on the ground followed by the prosthetic. It felt strange, the sensation of weight on the stump where his calf used to be. It felt slightly painful but he persevered. With a groan he pushed himself up and to his feet even though his atrophied legs were shaking from the strain. "I did it..." he panted, looking Dr. Matsui in the eye.

Matsui nodded, his smile growing. "Very good," he replied. "Take a step."

Touji looked down at his feet, his one of flesh and his one of plastic. What leg should he step forward with? All the confidence he'd had moments ago began to drain away. He supposed he could try stepping with his new foot, at least he'd have a firmer stance that way. With a jerking motion he lifted his new foot off the ground, brought it back down, and... lost his balance. He could feel the nurse grabbing at his arm but she lost her grip and he ended up falling flat on his face upon the tile floor. He barely managing to bring his arms up in time to spare his face from the impact. With a groan he rolled over on his back, his elbows and forehead stinging from the pain of the fall, his eyes squeezed shut. That went far worse than he'd hoped for...

The pain began to subside. When he opened his eyes he found Dr. Matsui standing over him, offering him a hand. "That will happen," the doctor said. "If you don't mind, I'll support you while you try again... or would you prefer to give up now?"

Touji smirked back at the doctor defiantly and grabbed his hand as hard as he could. In moments he found himself on his feet. "I'll do this myself," he retorted.

Dr. Matsui smirked back at him and gestured to the set of parallel bars in the room. "Then I'll at least assist you to these," he said. "Come on now, one foot in front of the other..."

---

Ryuji Nakajima sat atop a parked APC beside Furukawa, a cigarette between his lips, watching the men of General Shikishima's engineering division digging foundations for new buildings. Obviously this was a task for heavy machinery usually but there weren't nearly enough excavators on site to meet the demand presently hand tools would have to supplement the efforts, at least until the roads were completely repaired and cleared.

His duty and the rest of his regiment's was to stand guard and make sure that no one interfered with their progress. It was a boring assignment but a necessary one. Still... part of him felt a bit guilty for simply standing around doing nothing while these other men broke their backs to rebuild after what he and his ilk had wrought...

"You seem tense..." Furukawa murmured softly, blowing out a plume of cigarette smoke, adjusting the rifle over his back. "You'd do well to relax, kid."

Nakajima grimaced, ashed his cigarette, and took a spiteful puff. "I told you to stop calling me kid, dammit," he hissed in response.

Furukawa chuckled. "Well that just confirms it, there is something on your mind," he replied. "Is it Masaki or is it something else?"

Nakajima's scowl deepened. Indeed he was still a bit worried for his injured friend. Seeing him the previous day had been hard on him, hard on both of them he could imagine. Of course on top of that was his unexpected conversation with that Ikari kid. He wondered if the kid would take him up on his offer to talk at some point. Either way, neither of those things were what were at the forefront of his mind. "How come we're just sitting here with our guns watching these guys work?" he stated, gesturing to the men digging.

Furukawa puffed on his smoke. "What do you mean?" he replied. "That was what we were ordered to do so we do it. That's the way of being a soldier, kid."

Nakajima sighed. "There's no enemy left to fight, NERV isn't going to attack us again and even if they wanted to they don't have the means.," he returned. "It doesn't make any sense..."

Furukawa shrugged his shoulders. "Well, you never know, someone's gotta make sure some thieves from the countryside don't mess about over here," he replied.

Nakajima took a puff off his cigarette and shook his head. That wasn't the point he was trying to make. He was trying to point out that it just didn't sit right with him that they got to sit around smoking cigarettes and shooting the shit while these men in front of them broke their backs in the cold all day. It didn't seem right to just sit around and not help them in some way...

He took a final puff off his cigarette and flicked it away. After that he adjusted this rifle so it was slung completely across his back and hopped down from the APC, moved to the men digging, and picked up a shovel that had been left against a discarded metal barrel. Without a single word he began shoveling dirt the same as the men he'd been tasked to oversee.

"What are you doing, Nakajima?" Furukaway asked, sounding a bit confused.

Nakajima looked up at him with a stern expression before getting back to shoveling. "What's it look like I'm doing? I'm helping," he responded firmly. "If shit goes down I still got my gun but that doesn't mean we can't assist until when and if that happens. Now grab a spade if you don't want to sit there and chain smoke all day."

He didn't especially care if Furukawa actually came down and started helping though that would be nice. All he cared about was satisfying his own sense of morality and decency. However, a few minutes later, he noticed that Furukawa had left the roof of the APC and joined him with a shovel of his own. "You've got a good heart, Nakajima," Furukawa stated quietly as he started digging. "Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise."

Nakajima smiled and nodded but otherwise didn't respond as he continued shoveling away...

The two continued shoveling in silence for quite some time, long enough for Nakajima's fingers to start aching from the cold and the friction of the shovel in his hands. Still he continued in spite of this, at least until a voice called out from above the ditch they were in. "Hey, what do you two think you're doing?" the voice barked.

Nakajima looked up and instantly froze, his eyes going wide. Standing above him and Furukawa was General Shikishima's second in command, Colonel Hajime Ichijo, dressed in a finely pressed uniform, glaring down at him with somewhat confused expression. Before Nakajima could answer Furukawa spoke up. "Sir, we're digging a foundation, sir!" he responded.

Colonel Ichijo frowned. "And you're supposed to be standing guard over this sector," he snapped. "Why are you digging a foundation, Private?"

Furukawa wasted no time in pointing his finger in Nakajima's direction, much to his chagrin. "Sir, it was his idea, sir!" he responded.

Nakajima watched as the Colonel locked eyes with him, regarding him with a cold stare and a deep scowl, saying nothing for a moment. "Is this true, Private?" he asked quietly.

Nakajima swallowed the growing lump in his throat and forced himself to speak. If he was honest hopefully the punishment would be swift and painless... "Sir, yes, sir..." he croaked out.

Colonel Ichijo's lips curved upward and he turned back to Furukawa. "Private, hand me your shovel and return to your post," he stated firmly. "I suppose we don't need two men on guard in this sector..."

Nakajima grimaced and closed his eyes. This was gonna hurt as getting bashed over the head with a shovel would have to hurt. He waited with hands clenched on his digging implement in nervous anticipation of the blow landing but it never came. Moments later he heard the heavy thump of boots against soil followed by the sound of steel impacting dirt. When he opened his eyes he was shocked to find the Colonel standing in the ditch where Furukawa once had been.

Colonel Ichijo looked over at him and gave him a warm smile as he flung a load of dirt over his shoulder. "I admire your desire to help, soldier," he stated softly, turning back to the task at hand and plunging the shovel into the earth once more. "Besides, I rather like dirtying my hands in this way..."

Nakajima allowed himself a smile, half of relief and half of understanding. "It's hard work, Colonel sir... but it's honest work," he replied softly.

"Damn right, soldier..." Colonel Ichijo responded, flinging another load of dirt off his shovel and plunging it into the earth yet again. "Damn right it is..."

---

Shinji stood beside Misato outside the entrance to the medical ward of NERV, breathing deeply, trying to keep himself calm. Even after the things he'd heard from his father's recording this would be a difficult moment for him...

After he'd listened to the entirety of his father's tapes he'd gone to pieces. Even after Misato had found him in the living room he'd remained a sobbing mess until he'd finally cried himself to sleep. Upon awakening he'd found the tears were gone and he'd laid in bed for quite some time, staring up at the ceiling, taking in everything he'd listened to.

The things his father told him about his life, and how that life led him to horrible choices, about how he'd never been able to connect with other people... it resonated with him. After hearing about his grandfather and his grandmother and the long, winding, miserable road his father had traveled he understood the man better. He empathized with him. He could understand that if he didn't change his path that he might very well end up just like him and he knew from his father's final words both in life and from those tapes that he didn't want that. But in that moment it seemed impossible. It seemed impossible to actually overcome his ordeal much in the same way that his father had succumbed to his own pain. On top of this, learning about his mother, how she'd purposefully abandoned both his father and himself so she could protect him in the Eva was something that cut deep. Part of him wanted to be angry with her and part of him understood. If anything, the conflicted feelings he felt had been kicked into overdrive by the whole experience.

When Misato found him in the living room a tearful mess he'd been unable to contain his sadness, shock, anger, and overall sense of loss. Only after talking with her and hearing her say that they were family did he start to really come to terms with what he'd heard. It let him know that his father was really telling the truth, that he was cared for by others. It was a humbling sensation but one that sparked a small amount of joy amid his despair. After letting Misato hold him and holding her back he knew he had to try and be a better person. He would honor his father's wishes and be a better man... and the first step in doing so was setting things right with Touji, Asuka, and Rei...

"Are you sure about this?" Misato spoke, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Are you sure you want to do this alone?"

Shinji nodded and drew a deep breath, letting it out slowly, never once looking away from the steel doors in front of his face. If he did this with anyone by his side to prod him into doing the right thing then who would he be? What kind of man could he hope to be? Not a man at all he surmised... "Yes..." he replied softly but firmly, setting his jaw. "I'll go alone for this..."

"Alright..." Misato returned warmly, squeezing his shoulder tenderly. "Give me a call when you're ready to go then, huh?"

"Okay..." Shinji replied, breathing out slowly to steady himself. Slowly he reached out, pressed open the doors to the medical wing, and stepped inside...

He didn't even wait until the door shut to march up to the desk. If he did then he worried his conviction would waver. He couldn't let that happen... "I'm here to visit Touji, Asuka, and Rei," he stated to the woman behind the desk, his voice coming out far more hoarse than he would have liked it to.

The nurse behind the desk handed him a clipboard and a pen. "Sign in here, Pilot Ikari," she responded warmly. "I'm sure they'll be happy to see you."

He did as instructed and moved toward the long hallway that joined the lobby to the hall proper. As he walked he did all in his power to calm himself, clenching his jaw, breathing deeply through his nose, balling his hands into fists and digging his fingernails into his palms... Putting the lessons his father imparted with him into practice wasn't easy, but he had to try. No. He had to succeed and be a better person...

But facing his friends even with this knowledge was a fearful undertaking.

He'd spent the trip to NERV contemplating exactly what he wanted to say to all three of his friends and what order he should see them in. He'd concluded that Touji would be the easiest to talk to, that the circumstances surrounding any strain in their relationship would be easiest to surmount. The worst thing that could happen would be being on the receiving end of a firm right hook and the knowledge that they were no longer friends. Shinji supposed he could live with that. If that were to happen he'd deserve it since he was the one who'd cost him his leg.

That left Asuka and Rei...

Shinji reached up and placed a hand to his cheek as he continued trudging through the halls of the medical ward, feeling at the still healing wound on his cheek that Asuka had given him, a wound that would soon turn into a scar. He'd probably carry that mark for the rest of his life but he didn't hold it against his German friend. No... he fully understood why she'd attacked him. From what she'd said after she'd cut him he'd understood. Asuka had loved Nagisa and he'd been the one to end his life. If she hated him for the pain he'd caused her he wouldn't blame her... but the least he could do was apologize. No... he had to do more than that. He had to let he know that he genuinely would have taken any other option if it had been available and that he would always view her as a family to him. He supposed he would see her after Touji.

That left Rei for last...

As for Rei... well... she was the person he was most nervous about approaching. Knowing the things he knew about her, knowing that she'd known about Nagisa, and knowing the things about her past that his father's tapes revealed... he didn't know what to think of her. He loved her, he still loved her, nothing would ever dilute that feeling but... he still felt a spark of anger toward her. He still felt a little betrayed by the knowledge she'd kept things from him even though he understood her reasoning for doing so. It killed him inside knowing she'd been injured during the battle and and he wanted to comfort her but he still felt angry for her keeping secrets from him. He didn't know how to feel about that, especially knowing the horrendously painful life she'd led. The fact that she'd been given the memories of the first person who'd held the name Rei Ayanami and had to live with the knowledge that she was artificial must have been horrible. He couldn't imagine how horrible that was to live with...

But how would he resolve things with her? What was the right course of action to take when facing her? He knew that he'd hurt her badly, that those words he'd spoken to her after she'd confessed to him nearly drove her to end the world. Knowing he'd hurt her that badly filled him with immense guilt. Nothing he could say to her could ever make up for his actions that day... but he had to tell her how sorry he was anyway. Even if she rejected him too he still had to try and make things right but... what if she didn't reject him? He supposed it was possible but unlikely. If that happened then he truly had no idea how to proceed...

He shook his head and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, trying to calm himself. Right now he had to focus on one task at a time, one person at a time.

After a few more minutes of walking Shinji arrived at Touji's room. He paused just before the doorway and he could hear voices inside. His anxiety spiked and his breath caught in his throat. Even now his instincts told him to turn and run but he knew he couldn't. He'd already come this far and he'd no longer be a coward. He took a deep breath and stepped into the doorway...

Inside the room Touji was sitting there on the bed speaking with a nurse who was taking notes of a clipboard. Shinji watched as the nurse finished her line of questioning and headed toward him, regarding him with a smile as she neared. Then he noticed Touji also looking at him with and unreadable expression. I caused him to flinch involuntarily and tense up. Then, after a moment, Touji's lips curved upwards in an awkward smile. "Hey, Shin-man, it's good to see you," the one legged boy stated.

Shinji nervously took a step into the room. "H- hey, Touji..." he stammered nervously. "H- how are you?"

Touji's smile wavered for a moment before he gestured to his legs. That was when Shinji noticed the prosthetic. "I'm getting better," he said with an awkward laugh. "They just gave me a new leg. Pretty cool, huh?"

Shinji swallowed the growing lump in his throat and took another nervous step forward into the room. It felt so strange to hear Touji speak like this. After all, he was the one who'd caused him to lose his leg in the first place... "That's good..." he replied softly.

Touji's smile melted away and he regarded him with a frown. "Dammit, why are you just standing there like I'm about to kick your ass?" he snapped. "I'm not mad at you for anything, bro."

Shinji took another step forward, his pulse quickening, that pesky lump in his throat rising up once again. "Y- you're not?" he stammered.

"No!" Touji barked, waving him over to him. "Now get your ass over here, bro!"

Shinji did as requested and nervously sat down next to his friend. "I... I don't understand..." he murmured softly, bowing his head, placing his hands on his knees and digging his fingers into the fabric of his pants. "I... I almost killed you..."

"Yeah, you did," Touji responded with a light chuckle, slapping his hand on his shoulder rather roughly. "And you put me in a coma and cost me my leg. By all rights I should be pretty pissed with you, huh?"

Shinji cringed. "Yeah... you should be?" he muttered bitterly. "So why aren't you?"

Touji breathed a heavy sigh and removed his hand from his shoulder. "Soryu told me what happened," he replied. "She told me that an Angel took over Unit 03 and you and Rei tried to get me out. You did everything you could, Shinji. I don't hold what happened against you..."

Shinji breathed a heavy sigh. A huge weight felt like it had lifted off his shoulders but... was it really that easy? He lifted his head and regarded his friend with a somber frown. "How can you not?" he asked. "How can you just let it go?"

Touji smirked at him and chortled softly before smacking him across the face. Shinji yelped and brought his hand to his cheek as the pain spread over his cheek, over the still healing gash on his cheek. "Because you didn't have a choice, dumb ass!" Touji scoffed. "Because if you didn't then we'd all be dead now, right? Yeah, you fucked me up, I lost a leg. I'd rather lose a leg than everyone be dead, you dumb shit!"

Shinji rubbed his cheek and looked over at his friend in bewilderment. "That hurt..." he uttered numbly.

"Yeah?" Touji replied, raising an eyebrow. "I hope it did, asshole!"

The two of them sat there in silence as the moment sank in. Despite the pain Shinji mustered the strength to speak. "Even if you forgive me... I'm sorry..." he murmured softly, staring down at his knees yet again.

Touji sighed and placed his hand on his shoulder again. "I know... but you don't need to be," he replied. "It's fine, seriously. If anything I should feel sorry for slapping you just now..."

"Do you?" Shinji asked nervously.

"No!" Touji exclaimed, giving him a light shove. "But only because you're being a miserable cunt right now..."

Shinji looked at his friend and watched as his lips curved upwards before he closed his eyes and laughed. "Now I'm sorry," Touji croaked out between guffaws. "Now you owe me another punch..."

Shinji allowed himself a smile as the humor of the situation began to set in. "I couldn't bring myself to punch a cripple," he replied with a chortle.

Touji laughed harder. "Yeah, I'll bet," he replied. "That would really make you an asshole."

The two of them had a good laugh at that quip but Shinji ultimately couldn't sustain the laughter. His mind drifted to the strained relationships he had with both Asuka and Rei, both friendships he doubted would be so easy to mend... "I already am an asshole..." he muttered softly.

Touji continued snickering. "I won't argue that," he said before pausing momentarily. "By the way, nice scar... I'm guessing you got it fighting the Angel's, huh?"

Shinji flinched and put his hand to his cheek, tracing the still healing gash on his face, his mind flashing back to the day Asuka cut him, the day he'd killed Nagisa... "I... I suppose you could say that..." he murmured softly.

A pensive pause hung in the air. "That's a pretty vague way to explain it..." Touji replied. "Come on, tell me what happened..."

Shinji breathed a sigh and scowled. "Asuka did this to me..." he stated flatly, bitterly. "She came at me with a kitchen knife..."

Touji seemed to tense up. "Shit... I know the two of you had your ups and downs but... damn, man, I can't picture her doing something like that..."

Shinji shuddered and bowed his head. Why was this getting dredged up? Didn't they have anything better to talk about? "I killed someone she cared about with Unit 01..." he murmured softly.

"Huh?" Touji asked. "Collateral damage or something?"

Shinji balled his fists and sucked in a deep breath through his teeth. Speaking it aloud just made it even more hard to cope with... "The last Angel..." he replied, tears of guilt welling up in his eyes as he summed things up as succinctly as he could. "The last Angel... he... he was a teenager just like us. Asuka... she was close with him..."

Yet again silence fell between the two friends, this one much more suffocating. It lingered for much longer before Touji spoke again. "Damn..." he he spoke softly. "That's... that's fucked up..."

"Yeah..." Shinji returned quietly. "It is fucked up..."

Touji placed his hand on his shoulder yet again. "I'm sorry..." he murmured. For the first time since they'd been speaking his voice sounded truly somber. "That... I don't know what to say about that..."

Shinji mustered the nerve to meet his friend's gaze, looking at him with a defeated expression, noting how Touji seemed equally deflated. "There's nothing to say..." he replied. "I... I didn't have a choice..."

"I know you didn't..." Touji replied with a sigh, bowing his head. "I know you did what you had to in the service of protecting us all but even so I can understand why Soryu attacked you. Hell... I punched you after you nearly killed Sakura, right?"

Shinji scowled yet again. "That's different..." he growled to himself.

"Is it?" Touji countered, his lips curving down ever so slightly, his expression clearly pained.

Shinji looked down and ran a hand through his hair. He was right. All he'd done was follow orders and carry out his duty both as a soldier and as the champion of mankind... but that didn't make it easy. "I suppose you're right..." he muttered.

"Yeah, well... it's in the past. All of it is in the past..." he muttered. "I just hope that Kensuke and Hikari are doing okay..."

Shinji tensed up yet again. The knowledge of what transpired between Kensuke and Hikari after Touji was put in a coma surged to the forefront of his mind. Remembering the last talk he'd had with Kensuke put a bitter taste in his mouth... "Yeah... about Kensuke and Horaki-san..." he murmured softly. "They-"

Touji cut him off. "I know, they ended up moving away from here," he replied. "Asuka already told me."

Shinji frowned and looked away from him. He had to be honest with him. No more deception, no more lies, he was don't with that. Considering what he remembered of Touji's affections for Horaki before he was injured he deserved to know the ugly truth. "That's... that's not all that happened with them..." he spoke just above a whisper.

"Wait... what else happened?" Touji asked, his voice getting low, nervous sounding.

Shinji breathed a heavy sigh. "Well... for a while it looked like you weren't going to ever wake up..." he stated quietly. "And, uh... the two of them got... closer..."

Again, a hushed pause. "What are you saying?" Touji spoke, his voice low and tinged with bitterness.

Shinji met his friend's gaze yet again. "You know what I'm saying..." he replied.

Touji let out an angry snarl and balled his fists, staring off toward the door. "Kensuke, you fucking bastard..." he growled with a violent intent in his eyes, baring his teeth in anger. "You backstabbing, scrawny, little weasel cocksucker.."

Shinji could feel the hurt and pain radiating off of his friend. He reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Touji..." he murmured softly, not knowing what else to say.

Touji closed his eyes. He sat there shaking for a moment before drawing a deep breath and letting it out. When he did, he opened his eyes as stared down at his leg with a defeated expression. "Honestly, I can't blame Hikari..." he murmured. "What kind of girl would want to be with a cripple, huh?"

Those words stung. It hurt to hear his friend speak like that. "Don't talk like that..." he stated softly, more a command than a request.

"Why?" Touji huffed. "You know it's true..."

He wasn't about to let his friend slip into despair. He knew full well just how lonely and miserable that path was and where it led. "No, it isn't," Shinji replied firmly. "You're a good person, Touji. Don't let something stupid like a leg make you forget that."

Touji laughed softly, looking at him out of the corner of his eye with a lopsided smirk. "Since when did you get to be so sickeningly hopeful?" he scoffed.

Shinji closed his eyes, remembering his father's words in those tapes and the final words he'd spoken to him during the battle for NERV... "Because I don't want to live my life feeling depressed, feeling like nothing can ever get any better," he replied. "And neither should you..."

Touji smiled, this time a genuine one. "Yeah... you're right about that," he responded. "But seriously, dude, you're gonna give me diabetes..."

Shinji shook his head and chuckled. No matter how much things changed some things would always stay the same...

---

Asuka lay on the bed of her hospital room, staring up at the ceiling in mild annoyance. She'd gotten back to her room around half an hour prior having finished another of the ocular exams the medical staff insisted on running. Of course she understood why they kept making her go through such exams but she knew it was worthless, that she'd never see out of her left eye ever again. Sure, today had been better than the previous day, but only slightly. She'd managed to be able to detect light in her left eye but only when the nurse had held a flashlight right in front of her face. A small victory, sure, but pointless in the grand scheme of things...

Most importantly she was frustrated that she couldn't leave the fucking hospital, that the staff wouldn't let her. Because of her suicide attempt before the last battle and because of her perceived instability she was continually monitored and denied release. Of course, part of her understood the reasoning of the hospital staff for denying her release based on that, but it still pissed her off. She'd had enough time to cool down and put her pain into context by now and staying in a cold, sterile hospital room was doing nothing for her other than fueling endless boredom at this point.

She breathed a sigh and placed a hand over her face. The events of the last few weeks had been playing over and over again in her mind, the loss of Kaworu, realize Rei knew he was an Angel, her final battle with the Mass Production Series, realizing her mother had never left her... it was a lot to process but she was starting to accept it. As much as it hurt, she understood why Rei would be afraid to tell her about Kaworu though she still didn't understand why he'd done what he had. For what he'd done he'd had to die but it still hurt. She supposed Rei might know why but she was afraid to speak to her. After she'd tried to kill her she doubted that Rei would be comfortable speaking to her. Part of her wasn't sure if she'd be able to speak to the blue haired girl without being able to give in to her anger and hurt anyway. She wished that things could just go back to normal, the way that things were before everything went to shit...

Asuka closed her eyes and breathed a heavy sigh. She knew that wasn't possible even if that was what she wanted. Nothing would be the same. If only she hadn't put so much stock in her abilities as a pilot. If only she'd spent more time cherishing friendships and the people in her life who'd cared for her... if she'd done that then perhaps things would be different. Perhaps if she'd done that then she wouldn't be a half blind girl destined to be alone...

"Asuka..." a voice called from the doorway of her room.

She jolted at the sound and sat up, shocked to see who was standing there. It was Shinji, regarding her with a nervous expression. Instantly she tensed up, glaring at him out of habit and perhaps out of residual anger. She had killed the boy she loved and even though she knew it wasn't his fault it still hurt. "Shinji..." she greeted him, regarding him with a scowl. "Why are you here?"

He flinched and closed his eyes, drawing a deep breath and letting it out. When he opened his eyes the timid expression on his face was gone and he regarded her with a somber but calm look. She found herself transfixed by it. He no longer looked like a scared boy. He looked older somehow. His eyes seemed different. There was this... distant quality about them, a distinct determination and depth she'd never seen in his eyes before. She found it rather striking... but as soon as he'd spoke that look wavered as he glanced down at the floor. "I want to apologize..." he spoke. "About Nagisa... about everything... I know you probably don't want to see me, but... I'm sorry..."

Asuka's lips parted in surprise. She remembered the last time they'd spoken, how she'd screamed at him and told him to get away. The fact that he had the stones to come and see her after how she'd repudiated him was admirable. It spoke to just how strong he really was. If it wasn't for her newfound perspective on things she would have found it insulting but now she didn't know what to think of his confession. "Well... thanks for letting me know then..." she muttered, looking away from him with a frown, pulling her knees up to her chin.

She hoped he would just leave but he didn't. Instead, she heard him stepping forward until he was at her bedside, sitting down in the chair that resided there. "I don't blame you for what you did with the knife..." he stated softly. "I want you to know that..."

Asuka glanced over at him, meeting his gaze once again. Her eyes fell on the still healing scar on his cheek. He hadn't deserved her attempt on his life and the fact that she'd marred him forever. Still, her pride didn't allow her to apologize. Instead she feigned a smirk... "If we were in Germany some might say you've been improved by that schmisse," she quipped.

Shinji looked puzzled. "Schmisse?" he asked.

"Dueling scar," Asuka replied, glancing away from him. "In Germany, back in the day, having one showed you were a real man..."

There was a pause before Shinji spoke again. "Well... I'm not sure what it means to be a real man..." he muttered softly. "All I know is that I'm sorry that I've hurt you..."

Asuka bit her lip. Why the fuck was he being so forgiving and kind to him after the things she'd said to him and done to him? Why would he be so eager to forgive her for physically scarring him for life? How could he be so kind to her when she'd been such a bitch to him? "Shut up..." she murmured in response, falling back on old habits. "Just shut up..."

Silence fell between the two of them. Then... she felt a hand reach out and grab her arm. "Asuka, please, don't be like this..." Shinji stated softly.

Asuka wrenched her arm away from him and glared at him, trying hard to stifle the growing stinging sensation behind her eyes, trying to hold back the torrent of pain and trauma she desperately wished to keep to herself. "Why shouldn't I be?" Asuka hissed, her feelings spilling out in spite of her desire to keep them private. "Give me a reason not to hate you? You killed Kaworu! I loved him and you killed him!"

Shinji bowed his head. "I know..." he replied, sounding choked up with tears of his own. "I killed him and I can never take that back. I wish things could have been different but he asked me to kill him at the end. He didn't want to do what he did. He felt compelled to do it... and if he'd thought himself capable of resisting he would have... I... I know that's the truth..."

Asuka's eyes stung with tears. "Stop it..." she croaked in anger. "Stop lying to me..." she whimpered. There was no way that what he was saying was true. She didn't want it to be true. It would mean that there was no justice to be had, no vengeance to be sought...

"It's true..." Shinji murmured, looking down at his knees still. "He told me as such at the end..."

Asuka winced and squeezed her eyes shut, pulling her arm away from Shinji and wiping at her eyes furiously. "So what if it's true!" she shrieked in anger and sadness. "It doesn't change the fact that he's gone! It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!"

"I know..." Shinji replied quietly. "And though I know it had to be done I still feel guilty. I wish that things could have been different... and even though I know that's impossible I still want to make things right..."

Asuka cringed and looked down at her knees. She wanted to move past it but it didn't seem possible. "Things can never be the way they were..." she grumbled bitterly.

There was a long pause before Shinji spoke again. "I- I know it can't be..." he stated quietly. "But I still want you to be in my life..."

Asuka felt her eyes starting to sting. How could he say something like that after how nasty she'd been with him? How could he be so insistent on something so pointless and stupid? "Why the fuck would you want that?" she hissed, closing her eyes and pulling her arms tight around herself.

She could hear Shinji drawing a shaky breath before he spoke again, his voice filled with emotion, with sadness, longing, and remorse. "Asuka... I care about you," he said. "My mother is gone... my father is dead... You and Misato... you're the only family I have left..."

Asuka's eyes flew open and her lips parted yet again in surprise. Those words were entirely unexpected. He felt like she was family? How had she not been able to see it? Why had she let herself be blind to that? The sincerity in his voice was palpable. Knowing he was being honest hurt. It drove home what she'd already suspected, that she'd been a fool, that she'd pushed her friends away for the sake of her stupid pride. If only she hadn't done that. If only she'd let them in instead of making the mistakes she had. Now that she thought about it, Misato, Shinji, and Rei were at one point closer to her than she'd ever been to her stepmother or her father. They were all she had too...

She turned to face him again, her eyes stinging worse than before. "R- really?" she croaked. "You actually feel that way?"

Shinji nodded, a weak smile taking shape on his lips. "Of course I do..." he replied.

Asuka grit her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut as tears began pouring out. She couldn't hold back the well of emotion any longer. She hated that he was seeing her like this again but the dam had burst. In that moment she was overcome with feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, and longing for better days. "Dammit..." she choked out through her teeth, rubbing her eyes in a vain attempt to stop the tears. "Goddammit..."

She felt Shinji's hands on her shoulders and before she could protest he'd pulled her into a soft embrace. "It's okay..." he murmured. "I get it. I know it's been hard... but I'm here for you."

The sobs were getting harder and harder to suppress. "Sh- shut up..." she croaked out on instinct. She didn't mean it. It did actually feel... freeing knowing that he was there for her. It felt strangely good to let herself be open with someone like this...

"Okay..." Shinji replied quietly. "I'll shut up..."

In spite of her tears Asuka smiled. Shinji had no way of seeing it since her head was resting on his shoulder something she was a little thankful for. "Idiot..." she murmured in response.

"You're right..." he replied warmly. "I am an idiot..."

A little laugh escaped her lips between slowing sobs. "Well at least you know it..." she returned quietly.

A few moments passed and Asuka managed to calm down and stem the flow of tears. When she pulled away from Shinji's embrace he regarded her with a pensive, nervous expression. "So, uh... do you think things can be like they were before?" he asked.

Asuka's lips curved downward and she looked away from him, down towards the floor. "Maybe one day..." she replied.

"Well..." he returned, reaching out and placing his hand atop hers. "I suppose that's enough..."

Once again, silence fell between the two friends. A thought occurred to her as it lingered, one that Asuka couldn't ignore. Knowing via the whispers of the nurses that Rei had nearly ended the world only to relent and save it at the last moment, nearly get herself killed for her troubles, she had to ask... "Have you talked to Rei yet?" she spoke out softly.

Through her hand she could feel him flinch at those words. "N- no..." he stuttered nervously. "I... I don't know what to say to her..."

Asuka frowned. She knew the two of them were close, how the two felt about each other, so why was he having apprehension? "Why?" she asked, looking away from him as the hurt surrounding what she knew about Rei and how she'd treated her both twisting a knife in her heart. "Why haven't you gone to see her?"

Shinji breathed a heavy sigh. "Things got fucked up before the battle between us..." he replied bitterly.

Asuka's brow knit up and she looked back at him with an expression of curiosity. "How so?" she asked, genuinely bewildered. Rei and Shinji were practically of one mind in her experience. What the hell could have possibly gotten between the two of them?

Shinji cringed and scowled bitterly. She could see the lingering pain in his eyes. "I... I figured out she knew Nagisa was an Angel," he replied, starting to ramble. "Knowing she kept a secret like that, knowing how bad that hurt you, that he died at my hand, that he felt powerless to do anything else... I threw it in her face. She tried to apologize but I didn't want to hear it, even after she'd told me she wasn't fully human. I said some really, really hurtful things and then right after that she nearly killed us all. She probably did that because of what I said..."

Asuka found herself curious about something Shinji said. "Wait, what?" she asked. "What do you mean about her not being fully human?"

Shinji flinched and closed his eyes, breathing yet another heavy sigh. "It's a long story..." he replied softly. "But... she took me down into the lower levels of headquarters. She showed me... things. My father created her using Angel DNA, raised her, kept clones of her... and... there's a whole lot more that I'm not sure how to explain."

Asuka tensed up, her heart beating faster upon hearing that statement. That was a lot to take in... but it did explain a lot. It explained why Rei had that unnatural bluish hair color and those red eyes of hers. It also explained how she'd supposedly nearly set off the Third Impact. She wasn't sure how to feel about any of that. Part of her was horrified, part of her wanted to be angry for her friend keeping even more secrets from them, and part of her just felt sorry for her. That latter feeling was the one that was winning in the three sided battle of emotion within her heart. Still, that didn't mean she forgave her. Sure, she felt sorry for choking her, but that didn't mean that the hurt was gone... "It does sound like a lot..." she replied quietly. "What did you say to her?"

"You mean once I realized she knew about Nagisa?" he asked.

Asuka nodded her head affirmatively.

Shinji grimaced and looked away. "I, uh... I told her how angry I was that she'd kept a secret like that," he responded meekly, trailing off and shaking his head. "After that I... I tried to walk away but she..."

"What?" Asuka asked, curious to know.

Shinji breathed a sigh of frustration and remorse. "Sh- she... she said a lot..." he replied after a short pause. "She tried to make me understand why she hadn't told anyone, that she was afraid of how all of us would react but I wasn't hearing it. I basically told her that I didn't want her in my life anymore..."

Asuka frowned and her eyes drifted down to the ground. That explained why Rei had seemed so distraught when she'd come to her before the battle... and she'd only added to the pain the blue haired girl was experiencing at that time. After all, she'd tried to take out her anger and hurt about Kaworu being gone on her in the worst way possible. "At least you didn't try to choke her to death..." she muttered softly. "I did..."

Shinji gasped. "Wh- what?" he uttered in shock.

Asuka balled her fists and swallowed the lump in her throat, meeting his gaze yet again. "You heard what I said!" she snapped, causing him to recoil before she hung her head and shook it in shame. "And before you ask why, it was because I was... just... so fucking angry. I'm still angry..."

"At me?" Shinji asked, his voice showing concern rather than judgment much to her surprise. "At Rei?"

Asuka huffed in frustration. Why did he have to ask her questions she wasn't prepared to answer? "I don't know..." she replied quietly, bitterly. "I'm just... angry. I'm angry that things ended up the way they did for me. Can you understand?"

"Yeah," He returned softly. "I can understand that..."

For what seemed like the millionth time another strange, pensive silence fell between the two of them. She didn't know what to say and so she remained silent. Eventually he spoke again. "Well... I guess I'm going to go see Rei now," he said. "Do you want to come with me?"

Asuka shook her head, grimacing as she did. "No..." she replied. "I'm not sure I'm ready to face her yet..."

"I understand..." Shinji responded quietly, reaching out and grasping her hand again. "Let me know if you need anything, okay? Let me know if there's anything I can do for you."

Asuka closed her eyes and frowned. As... cathartic as his visit had been that question irked her. Both of them knew that there was really nothing he could do for her, nothing that could make things better. She had to move forward on her own, even if she didn't know how. Still, she couldn't help but make a bitter quip in that moment. "I don't know," she huffed. "Can you heal my left eye?"

Shinji let go of her hand and stood up from the chair beside her bed. "Well... if there's anything else I can do, just let me know, okay?" he replied softly. "See you soon, Asuka..."

Asuka smiled but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. "See ya soon, Shinji..." she responded quietly.

He stood silently in place beside her bed and she could tell that there was more he wanted to say but after a moment he stepped away. She listened to his footfalls as they traveled out of her room and down the hall, drifting off into the distance until all was silent. Once that final all encompassing silence began to linger in her room she breathed a heavy sigh and rested her head in her hands. Even now after mending things with Shinji, at least a little bit, the road ahead seemed dark and full of turmoil. Even now, part of her still felt lost...

---

"I'm sorry, Rei," Ritsuko murmured softly. "I know it hurts but bear with it..."

Rei winced yet again as Ritsuko peeled off the bandages on her back as she continued inspecting her stitches. No matter how much she wanted to remain calm the skin there was still extremely sensitive and so she was reacting accordingly. "I know, Ritsuko-san..." she hissed amid her discomfort. "But please be more gentle..."

Ritsuko prodded at her skin once more, this time a bit softer. "I'm being as gentle as a I can," she replied. "I need to make sure the stitches are holding."

Rei grit her teeth as she felt the doctors fingers on her back. "Are they?" she asked.

A moment of silence passed before she felt Ritsuko pressing the adhesive tape holding the gauze on her back in place back onto her skin. "They seem to be," Ritsuko replied. "Though you'll definitely have some scarring."

Rei shifted and let her medical gown fall back over her as Ritsuko moved away from her. She supposed that was just how things would be, a small price to pay for the things she'd accomplished and endured. "I'm fine with that..." she replied softly, turning to face her closest confidant. "How soon until I'm able to be released?"

Ritsuko smiled. "Soon," she stated warmly. "Don't worry, things will go back to normal soon."

Rei breathed a heavy sigh, biting her lip and frowning, looking away from the faux blonde. "I hope so..." she replied. "So much has changed..."

Ritsuko placed a hand on her shoulder and leaned in with a smile, forcing her to look at her. "You're right," she replied. "But that's not necessarily a bad thing. We'd all be dead if not for you, remember?"

Rei nodded her head, her eyes starting to sting. She looked away, smiling in spite of her embarrassment. "I guess you're right..." she returned quietly.

Ritsuko sat down on the chair beside the bed, her smile taking on a bit of a somber edge. Rei watched as she reached out and clasped her hand. "There's something on your mind," she stated quietly, regarding her with concerned expression. "What's wrong, Rei?"

Rei looked down at her knees and dug her fingers into the hem of her medical gown. There was so much that felt wrong. The fact that she'd been stuck in this room for days without any idea of when she would be released, the lack of knowledge about how her friends were faring... but mostly the fact that... "Shinji hasn't come to visit me..." she responded nervously, just above a whisper.

"He'll visit you soon," Ritsuko replied, squeezing her hand lightly. "I know he will."

Rei frowned and looked up at her closest friend. If he wanted to see her then why hadn't he come to visit her yet? "How do you know?" she asked quietly.

Ritsuko regarded her with a sympathetic smile. "Because he cares about you," she replied. "I know he'll come to visit you soon..."

Rei cast her eyes downward, her anxieties getting the better of her. "But what if he doesn't?" she asked. "What if he doesn't want to see me after everything that's happened?"

Ritsuko squeezed her hand. "Rei, you should know that he's not like that," she replied, her smile falling away and her lips curving down into a frown. "He's probably just having a hard time processing things, especially after his father's death..."

Rei breathed a heavy sigh. Reason dictated that this was indeed the most likely reason for his absence but it still hurt. Then again, she wouldn't blame him if he was still upset with her for keeping her secrets as she had... "I hope you're right..." she murmured softly, regarding Ritsuko with a somber frown. "But I still worry..."

"It's understandable to be worried," Ritsuko replied, her warm smile never wavering. "But I know you'll work things out."

Rei had doubts that those words would prove correct. Perhaps it was her own impatience or the memory of how things were left with them before the battle but she genuinely worried he would never come see her. She opened her mouth to voice these doubts but then she noticed the sound of footsteps in the hall outside her door. She turned her head to the doorway just in time to see the source of those footsteps appear at the threshold...

It was Shinji.

He looked stressed, haggard, fearful and anxious. His lips were curved down in a deep frown and his eyes were cast at the floor. "Hello, Rei..." he spoke out, his voice low, barely above a whisper.

Rei froze. Her eyes went wide and her anxieties shifted instantly from whether or not she'd see him and onto what would transpire between them. She'd looked forward to seeing him but now that he was here she wasn't sure what to say or what to do. "H- hello, Shinji," she stammered out in reply.

Ritsuko stood up from the chair at her bedside. "I'll let you two have your moment..." she stated warmly before exiting the room, leaving the two of them alone.

Rei sat there on the bed as a tense and uncomfortable silence fell between herself and the person she cared for most. She bit her lip and looked down at her knees, digging her fingers into the hem of her medical gown. Now that he was here in front of her she didn't know what to say. The memories of their last conversation before the battle and their moments together within Unit 01's plug and after swirled in her mind. As triumphant as the later had been the former still held greater weight. Now that he was here that was all she could focus on along with the pain it brought her. Part of her wanted to be angry but sadness outweighed that emotion. How could she voice that? Now that he was finally here before her how could that schism be mended?

"H- how are you?" he asked.

"My injuries are healing..." she replied, trying her best to retain an even, calm tone with him.

"That's good..." he responded. "I'm glad to hear that..."

Rei nodded, still refusing to let herself look at him. "Thank you for your concern..." she replied.

Silence fell between the two of them but eventually Shinji spoke up. "I'm... I'm sorry..." he murmured quietly from where he stood in the doorway. "I'm sorry for what I said... I- I shouldn't have said it... I'm sorry..."

Rei closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. She couldn't forgive him so easily even if she wanted to. "What you said... it really hurt..." she murmured softly, still not looking at him. If she did it might shatter her resolve to say what she wanted and needed to say.

"I know..." he stated, stepping forward into the room but halting half way to her bedside. "I should never have said something like that. I didn't mean it... I was just... knowing you'd kept something like Nagisa's real identity secret and what it did to Asuka... I felt betrayed. I was... so angry. I'm sorry..."

Rei felt her body starting to shake and she grit her teeth as her eyes began to sting. "It doesn't matter..." she croaked out. "It still hurts... Even now it still hurts..."

He took another nervous step forward. "I'd understand if you don't forgive me..." he replied, his voice sounding somber but determined. "But I'd like to do anything I can to earn your forgiveness..."

Those words caused her heart to do a flip. Slowly she turned to face him and was struck by the look in his eyes. They had this distant, contemplative quality about them that conveyed a maturity she'd never seen before. Their appearance coupled with the somber, remorseful expression he wore on his face... it almost seemed like he'd aged ten years. Seeing him like this she could tell there was no possibility that he wasn't speaking sincerely. It caused any mistrust or anger to evaporate like morning mist. She hung her head as the tears began to fall and the guilt she still carried began to well up inside her. "I should have been honest with you..." she whispered softly. "If I'd told you sooner then things might have been different..."

He breathed a heavy sigh, his lips curving down in a remorseful frown. "I understand why you didn't..." he replied. "Nagisa seemed like a good person and he seemed like he didn't want to do what he did even at the end. Still... I know you worried about how Asuka or I would react... and what I said and what she did just proved you were right to worry..."

Rei shook her head, swallowing the lump in her throat. The tangible guilt that carried on his words was painful to listen to. Perhaps the two of them were both at fault for what happened. "At the same time I shouldn't have kept that secret," she croaked out. "Doing so caused everyone to be hurt... I wish I knew how to mend things but I'm... uncertain as to how..."

Silence fell between the two of them momentarily before Shinji spoke again. "I've... I've had a lot of time to think in the last few days," he stated, his voice now containing a spark of confidence and resolve. "If there's anything I've learned it's that nothing is simply black and white and it's never too late to try to make up for past mistakes. It's never too late to try and heal..."

Hearing him say that brought a smile to her lips. Rei found herself reminded of her experience after merging with Adam and Lilith, when she'd been lost within her own mind. She turned her head and met his gaze. "I would agree..." she replied warmly.

His eyes widened slightly and his cheeks flushed pink. He looked away, scratching the back of his head as he did. "I, uh... I'm glad..." he murmured in response.

Rei studied him for a moment before speaking again. Even though he retained a bit of that nervousness he always had she could tell that something about his posture, about his expressions, his overall demeanor was different. "You've... changed..." she stated quietly.

He looked up and met her gaze once more. "What do you mean?" he asked, regarding her with an apprehensive look. Even with that nervousness expression his eyes seemed to stare right through her.

Rei wasn't certain of how to put the thoughts in her mind into words. "I don't know..." she responded, looking away from as her heart beat faster. "You seem... different, like I haven't seen you in far longer than just a few days. I can't explain it..."

He laughed wryly under his breath. "I suppose I have changed a bit..." he replied. "At least, I hope I have. My father helped with that..."

Rei found that statement rather perplexing. "Your father?" she inquired softly, glancing at him once more.

He breathed a heavy sigh before looking her in the eyes with a sheepish expression. "Do you mind if I sit down?" he asked, gesturing toward the chair Ritsuko had occupied moments ago.

Rei nodded. "Go right ahead," she responded.

He stepped over to her bedside and sat down in the chair, hanging he head as he did and running a hand through his hair. A moment of silence passed and then he began to speak. "When headquarters was attacked my father rescued me and brought me to Unit 01," Shinji replied. "He... he died to protect me. I didn't want to pilot. I didn't want to. After realizing how badly I'd hurt you with my words and the guilt I felt over killing Nagisa, over hurting Asuka, I didn't want to do anything, especially since minutes before my father told me all about the history of NERV and why things were so fucked up. I just wanted to give up... but... he convinced me to keep going..."

Rei watched as he drew a shaky breath and hung his head, balling his fists atop his knees. Part of her wanted to reach out and take his hand but she resisted, still worried about how he might react. With growing anticipation she waited for him to continue...

"After the battle I felt so lost..." he stated. "My father was dead, I thought Asuka hated me, you were injured... and all I could do was blame myself for it. Honestly, it was my fault, at least in part. It tore me up. Everything felt hopeless and I was ready to just give up again. I was ready to shut everyone out and go back to being alone... but then Commander Fuyutsuki gave me something..."

He took a series of deep breaths and rested his head in his hands, bringing his elbows to rest on his knees. Rei reached toward him instinctively but pulled her hand back before touching him, still uncertain if that was the right thing to do.

"I'm sorry..." Shinji murmured softly, sounding like he was on the verge of tears. "This isn't easy to talk about..."

She couldn't resist the urge to offer comfort any longer. She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Take your time..." Rei responded quietly.

He sat up, pulling away from her reach, looking away from her with a somber smile. "My father recorded tapes for me, I assume in case he died... In those tapes he told me all about his life, about you, about NERV, about my mother, about why he sent me away. I think I finally understand him..." he murmured, that determination from a few minutes ago returning his voice. "And I also know that I won't let myself become him. I won't let myself push the people I care about away just because I'm afraid of pain, not anymore..."

It was such a powerful statement, one that resonated in the depths of her soul. Rei's eyes began to sting and her vision began to grow cloudy once more. Again, it reminded her of her own experience during the near Third Impact, but she wasn't sure how to voice that "I... I'm glad you feel that way..." she murmured softly, closing her eyes and breathing shakily, unsure of what else could be said. "I... I feel the same..."

There was another uncomfortable pause that lingered in the air between the two of them. Then, slowly, Shinji's hand came into her line of sight and grasped her hand lightly. "I know things can't be the way they were before..." he stated quietly. "But I want you to know I still care about you..."

She tightened her fingers around his as the tears renewed. All of the emotions she'd ever felt for him were swirling inside her heart like a tornado. Her heart was thundering in her chest and her stomach was tying itself up in knots. "And I you..." she replied shakily, remembering how she'd laid everything out for him, told him all of her feelings for him... "Y- you know that already..."

"Yeah..." he replied warmly. "I know..."

Her heart skipped a beat. She wasn't sure how to interpret that response. It made her wonder what he meant. Was it possible that... he still had feelings for her? "So... what now?" she asked. "Wh- what are we to one another?"

From her tender grip on his hand she could feel him tense up momentarily and she heard him draw breath sharply. "Wh- what do you mean?" he stammered.

Rei bit her lip, unsure if she should voice the thoughts swirling in the forefront of her mind. Part of her wanted to pull away, to keep those thoughts hidden, but she knew that this sort of thinking was what made things the way they were. No... she had to speak. "S- so..." she whispered out nervously. Do you w- wish for us t- to be-"

"I want us to be the way we were..." Shinji cut her off, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "I want us to be friends again..."

Rei's breath caught in her throat. She froze, uncertain of what to say or how to react. Part of her was relieved, happy even that he wanted things to be like they were before everything turned sour but... part of her felt a pang of disappointment. Yes, she would be happy being friends again, but that didn't change her feelings for him... "Friends..." she responded softly. "I can accept that..."

Shinji breathed a shaky sigh and gave her hand a squeeze. "Can you... can you find it in your heart to forgive me, Rei?" he asked.

She opened her eyes and looked at him, studying the remorseful expression he wore and smiled warmly. "Of course I can. I..." Rei cut herself off from saying what she wanted to say. If he rejected her again it would be too raw, too painful to endure...

His expression became one of curiosity once more. "What is it?" he inquired.

Rei shook her head. "It's nothing..." she replied, looking down at her knees as her smile fell away. "I'm just... glad things will be how they once were..."

Shinji breathed a heavy sigh. "Things can never be how they once were..." he replied. "But we can move forward in spite of that, right?"

Rei nodded her head. The hope in his words, hope she rarely heard him speak, warmed her heart. "Yes..." she replied. "That would be agreeable..."

"Yeah..." he murmured softly. "I agree..."

Yet again she faced him. He was looking down and away, a half smile on his lips, his eyes looking at nothing in particular. Her eyes rested on the red, swollen wound on his cheek. The last time they'd seen each other it had been hidden under a bandage. Considering how it was healing there was no doubt it would remain a permanent scar, just like the wounds she'd suffered to her back would probably be... "How is your cheek?" she asked.

Shinji brought his free hand to his cheek and chuckled wryly. "As good as it can be," he replied. "Asuka got me good, didn't she?"

Rei frowned. "I'm sorry it will leave a scar..." she murmured softly.

"A memory..." he returned warmly. "A lesson I shouldn't forget. A lesson about how easily the bonds between people can come undone..."

For what seemed like the tenth time since he'd come to visit her she was struck by just how wise he seemed. He was no longer a boy, but a man... and that made her feelings far harder to restrain. "Every dark cloud has a silver lining, I suppose..." she replied.

"Indeed, or at least one can hope," he replied with a little laugh. He paused for a moment before speaking again, his voice taking on a somber edge. "By the way... when you got hurt out there, after we defeated the Mass Production Series, I was scared half to death... you know that? Seriously... I, uh... I was really worried. I'm sorry I didn't come to see you sooner..."

Rei felt her cheeks getting warm. She turned away to hide her growing blush. "Th- thank you for your concern..." she murmured in response. "And you can stop apologizing..."

He laughed yet again, this time with a little more mirth. "I really have a bad habit of doing that, don't I?" he mused softly.

Rei smiled, the humor of the comment not lost on her. "Yes," she murmured. "You do..."

Once again, silence fell between the two, but this time it didn't seem so tense. No... it wasn't tense at all. It reminded her of those comfortable silences they used to enjoy together, when she could just relish in his presence. Still, as with all things, it didn't last. He gave her hand a squeeze and let it go, placing his hands on his knees with a sigh. "Well..." he stated softly, standing up from the chair. "I'll let you rest, okay?"

Those words caused a pang of sadness to roll over her. After missing him for so long she didn't want him to go, not net... "You don't have to leave..." she stated softly.

He smiled warmly. "I don't want to overstay my welcome," he replied. "It was good seeing you, Rei."

As he turned to go, she reached out for him but he'd move to quickly for her to catch his sleeve. In lieu of catching him physically she dared to call out to him. "Are you going to see Asuka and Suzuhara-kun?" she called to him.

He paused, his back turned to her. "I already saw them..." he murmured softly. "Touji is well enough and Asuka... well... she's worried about you..."

Rei tilted her head downward. She was glad to hear that Suzuhara was doing well since he'd awoken but she was surprised to hear that Asuka expressed concern for her. Considering how fiery she was and how she'd acted toward her at their last meeting it was quite unexpected. She wondered how their inevitable reunion would go, when and if it ever happened... "That is good to hear..." she replied somberly. She'd hoped that Shinji would stay and converse just a little longer...

Shinji took another step toward the door. "Wait..." she called to him yet again.

He turned his head, regarding her with a puzzled expression. "Is something wrong?" he asked.

Rei bit her lip and fidgeted with the sheets on her hospital bed. "Wh- when will you be back?" she asked.

He smiled. "Tomorrow," he replied warmly.

His answer came as a relief but she wanted total assurance he would visit her again as he said, as selfish as that was. "Promise?" she pressed.

He nodded, his smile growing. "I promise," he replied.

Rei's lips curved upward. "Very well..." she returned. "See you soon, Shinji..."

"See you soon, Rei..." Shinji replied. With that, he turned and exited her room.

Rei breathed a heavy sigh and laid down on her side, facing away from the door. She wrapped her arms around her pillow and smiled. Things were finally getting back to normal, slowly but surely. Hopefully the two of them could one day close the gulf that exited between them. At the same time it felt somewhat bittersweet. Part of her wished that at this moment that he'd stayed, that instead of a pillow she could be curled up with her arms around him...

---

Shinji's smile remained as he trekked down the hall after leaving Rei's room. He felt drained but very relieved. Just as he'd expected, seeing Touji and Asuka was stressful in its own way but Rei was by far the most difficult visit between the three of them. At first with how withdrawn and closed off she'd seemed when he'd entered the room he'd genuinely started to feel like she wouldn't want to reconcile but he'd found the courage to be open and honest with her. She'd forgiven him, something he knew he didn't deserve. By the end it almost felt like before all the bad things came to pass, how they'd been just... peaceful together. Part of him wished he could have found the courage to embrace her, to tell her how he really felt for her, but he didn't want to push things. He could imagine the emotional wounds he'd inflicted on her were still very raw even if she'd voiced forgiveness.

He breathed a heavy sigh and ran a hand through his hair as he continued his march out of the medical wing, staring down at the tiles in front of his feet. Even if she forgave him for his transgression he still felt like he hadn't done enough to earn it, at least not yet. Then again, he wondered if he'd ever manage to do enough to earn it. Though she'd expressed forgiveness the guilt over the cruelty of his words and what they'd pushed her to attempt weighed heavy. He supposed that part of him would always feel guilty for that. After all, he'd hurt the person he loved. Part of him wondered if her feelings she'd declared for him remained as his did for her but he supposed time would tell...

At present, the only thing that mattered was healing from the turmoil and trauma they'd been forced to endure...

"Shinji, do you have a moment?" a voice called out to him as he turned a corner on his way to the waiting room.

He lifted his gaze to find Ritsuko standing before him. "Oh, uh, sure?" he replied, puzzled by why she'd want to speak with him.

Ritsuko's lips twitched upward. "I'm glad you came to see Rei," she stated warmly. "She was very anxious to see you. I sure seeing you came as a relief."

Shinji shifted on his feet, unsure of what to say. "I'm... I'm glad I came to visit her..." he murmured uncomfortably. "I feel bad for not seeing her sooner..."

"It's understandable," Ritsuko replied quietly. "You've been through a lot. You both have..."

He bowed his head. Truer words were seldom spoken... "That's putting it lightly..." he returned softly. "But I'm doing okay now and I'm glad that Rei is too..."

Ritsuko breathed a heavy sigh. "Still..." she murmured. "I know how hard losing a parent can be. I'd like to offer my condolences..."

Shinji swallowed the growing lump in his throat. Indeed, he knew that the loss of his father would haunt him for the rest of his life, but he would cherish those few kind moments they'd shared together and his newfound understanding of the man along with his guidance. Still, it was nice hearing someone express their sympathies. "Thank you..." he replied, forcing a smile and meeting her gaze. "That means a lot..."

Ritsuko nodded respectfully. "Do you mind if I ask what you and Rei discussed today?" she inquired softly.

He winced and glanced away. Why did she have to ask about such things? It felt like such a prying question to ask. He knew that Rei and Ritsuko were rather close but it still felt a bit to forward of an inquiry. "Just... things..." he replied under his breath. "Just... where we go from here I guess..."

"Did she tell you about the cause of her change in appearance?" Ritsuko asked.

Shinji shook his head. He would admit that he was a bit curious about it, the fact that Rei's hair was now the color of ash and her eyes were no longer that familiar crimson red. He was pretty sure it had something to do with the near Third Impact but he'd figured that it would have been rude to ask after he'd so callously avoided her for days... "No," he replied. "It never came up."

"I see..." Ritsuko returned, looking like she wanted to say something else but ultimately just giving him a simple farewell. "Well... take care, Shinji."

Shinji nodded and smiled. "Take care, Ritsuko-san," he replied before continuing on his way to the waiting room of the hospital wing.

Part of him wondered what it was she might have wanted to speak with him about but it probably wasn't all that important. If it was then she probably wouldn't have resisted in pressing him. Hopefully she'd be comfortable enough to tell him about it. He figured it would be best to let her broach the topic. Until then he'd wait patiently and do all he could to mend the strained bond between the two of them.

For now though, the only thing he could do was wait for Misato to finish whatever duties she had and be driven home...

---

As soon as Shinji was out of sight Ritsuko swiftly returned to Rei's room, eager to know exactly what transpired between the two of them in her absence. Perhaps it was a bit overly doting of her to do so but she wanted to make certain that the boy's visit had a positive effect on the poor girl. When she arrived at Rei's room and found her curled up with a pillow in her arms she instantly became worried that it had the opposite effect... "Rei?" she called out from the doorway. "Are you alright?"

Rei visibly flinched before sitting up and regarding her with half smile. "I'm fine, Ritsuko-san," she replied quietly. "I'm... happy that Shinji came to visit me."

Ritsuko stepped into the room and sat down in the chair at Rei's bedside. From the look on the girl's face she could tell that she was only telling half the truth. "I don't mean to pry but how did it go?" she asked, her concern outweighing reason.

Rei bit her lip and looked down at her knees. "I... I think it went well..." she replied.

Ritsuko frowned. The visible anxiety radiating off of her was palpable. "Rei, what happened?" she pressed, reaching out and placing a hand on her shoulder.

Rei breathed a heavy sigh. "It's... complicated..." she replied softly.

Ritsuko smiled and gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I know," she returned warmly. "And I'm here for you. I'll listen if that will help make sense of it..."

Rei closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out. "Before the battle... we... got in an argument..." she stated slowly and softly. "He was upset that I kept Nagisa's identity a secret..."

Ritsuko's brow furrowed. Rei hadn't told her about this... "What happened?" she asked. "During that argument?"

Rei took another deep breath and let it out. "I... I told him how I feel about him..." she murmured. "And he rejected me in the cruelest of ways..."

Ritsuko frowned. It made sense. In hindsight it put even more context to why the poor girl had given up and attempted to end the world. Still, she said nothing, waiting patiently for the ashen haired girl to continue her story.

Rei seemed to collect herself, opening her eyes and smiling softly. "He... apologized," she continued. "I know that he said what he did out of anger in the moment and he confirmed that. By the end of our conversation I think we came to an understanding. Still... I'm a bit saddened that he wants us to be merely friends..."

Ritsuko let Rei's recounting of events sink in. She breathed a sigh of her own and shook her head. "I should slap him..." she grumbled softly.

Rei turned to her with a perplexed expression. "Why would you wish to do that?" she asked.

Ritsuko reached out and took Rei's hand in hers. "Because he hurt you," she replied. "And because he's still hurting you..."

Rei's brow knit up and she frowned. "I'm happy to be on good terms with him once more..." she returned quietly, glancing down at her knees. "I'm... content to remain friends..."

Ritsuko's frown only deepened. "But you wish for more," she stated softly, remembering how tearful Rei had been after Shinji ran off after seeing the clones. "He's more than a friend to you..."

Rei nodded, her cheeks turning a little bit pink. "Yes..." she replied. "But... I'm willing to wait for that... even if that wait is a long one..."

Ritsuko was rather taken by that comment. It reversed her frown into a mirthful smile. She could relate. After all, she'd waited years for Gendo to return her affections... "I understand..." she returned with a grin. "But if he ever hurts you again I am going to smack him..."

Rei smiled. "I hope that doesn't become necessary..." she replied.

Ritsuko laughed. To think that she was going to tell him the fact that the girl was fully human now. With what she'd just heard it wouldn't have helped anyway. Hopefully the stupid kid could get over himself and realize what he could have. Even if he was so vastly different he really was very much like his father... "For Shinji's sake, I hope so too..." she replied.

A moment of silence fell between the two of them and in that pause a question rose to the forefront of Ritsuko's mind, one she couldn't resist asking. "Are you... planning to tell him about... your situation?" she inquired.

Rei tilted her head, a curious expression on her features. "My situation?" she asked.

Ritsuko gave her a knowing look. "About the parallel world..." she spoke quietly.

Rei visibly tensed and bit her lip. "E- eventually..." she whispered out, staring down at her hands.

Ritsuko understood her apprehension. It was definitely a dicey topic and one that would probably make her seem a little crazy. Then again, it wasn't that much more far fetched than the insanity that was Adam and Lilith's merging. "I know it's not an easy topic to speak on, but all healthy relationships are built on honesty," she replied.

Rei nodded. "I know..." she responded, her voice taking on a resolute, determined quality. "Keeping secrets is what caused our friendship to fray once. I won't let that happen again..."

Ritsuko gave the ashen haired girl's hand a gentle squeeze, her smile growing, her heart swelling with pride.

---

It was evening. He should have been settling in to sleep but now that he had a new leg Touji was relishing in using it even if he was still using a crutch to support himself. After his first session of physical therapy he'd made himself a promise that regardless of how strenuous it was he'd never use a wheelchair again. He'd missed walking on his own unassisted, and right now he kinda needed to clear his mind.

He was happy that he'd had a chance to speak with Shinji and assure him that he didn't hold any ill feelings toward him but... the news of Hikari and Kensuke's betrayal was difficult to stomach. It was a wound that would take time to heal. He doubted if he ever saw Kensuke again that he'd be able to resist the urge to knock his block off. Still, he couldn't hold what happened against them too harshly, as hurtful as it was to know about. If he hadn't been expected to awaken he didn't blame Hikari for moving on. He had been comatose for months and, as they say, life goes on...

Touji hobbled around a corner into an adjacent hall and found Soryu there, looking out the window, staring out over the geofront with a contemplative expression. He remembered what Shinji told him about the last Angel, how he'd gotten that scar on his cheek, and halted his step. Who was he to complain about his feelings of betrayal in comparison to her? She'd suffered one far worse than he had. Shinji's scar attested to that.

"I know that's you, Touji..." she stated, her eyes remaining fixed on the cratered landscape outside. "What do you want?"

Touji shuffled forward nervously, unsure of what to say and a little bit surprised that she could tell it was him without looking, especially since he was on her blind side. "I was just walking around to clear my mind," he replied.

Soryu turned and regarded him with an expression that was halfway between sadness and spite before turning back to face the window, folding her arms across her chest. "You get a new leg and are walking around and something's bothering you?" she scoffed before making a bitter comment. "Be grateful you're not half blind..."

Normally he would have made a snarky comment in response to a comment like that but he could knew by now she was just being defensive because that was easier than facing her insecurities. He'd learned it was best to simply be direct with her. "Of course appreciate my new leg," he replied. "That's not what's bugging me. It's something Shinji told me when he visited earlier."

Soryu's frown intensified. "Yeah... he said he saw you today when he came to visit me..." she replied. "I'm guessing he told you about Hikari, huh?"

He grimaced. "Yeah, he did..." he replied. Part of him wanted to be angry with her for keeping it a secret but if he'd heard it from her it probably would have infuriated him far more than hearing it from Shinji.

Soryu breathed a frustrated sigh. "There's no point in dwelling on shit like that..." she huffed. "It sucks, so what, move on..."

Touji stared back at her. "Is that how you're handling what happened to you?" he retorted before he could stop himself.

Soryu bristled, drawing a quick breath through her teeth. "I don't know what you're talking about," she hissed, turning fully away from him. "Shut up..."

It was obvious that the accusation made her uncomfortable. He almost felt bad for pressing her... "Shinji told me about the kid who was the last Angel," he stated softly. "I know you felt pretty betrayed..."

She whipped around and glared at him, snarling. "Fine, you know everything, huh?" she spat. "Go ahead, mock me for it, I'm sure you want to!"

Touji shook his head, refusing to let her attempts to intimidate him succeed. "I'm not going to mock you," he replied. "Actually, I'm sorry that happened to you. It's... definitely more fucked up than what Hikari did..."

Soryu's eyes went wide and her angry grimace transformed into a slack jawed look of surprise. It didn't last and she turned to face the window once again with a somber expression, folding her arms and closing herself off. "Well... thanks then..." she murmured softly.

Silence fell between the two of them and he assumed their awkward, tense conversation was at an end and so he turned to go. Besides, they weren't friends, only begrudging acquaintances. Part of him wanted to apologize for throwing her baggage in her face as it had been rude of him to do but he couldn't find the words...

"Wait..." Soryu called out to him.

He paused and shuffled to turn back around and face her. "What?" he replied.

She had a strange look on her face, one that he could only describe as conveying a deep sense of loneliness. "Are you angry?" she asked. "At Hikari and Kensuke?"

He nodded, looking down at the ground and slumping against his crutches for a moment. It was definitely a little strange talking to her about such things but it felt good to voice it aloud to someone, anyone... "A little bit..." he replied, meeting her gaze again. "But I don't hold it against them. For all they knew I'd never wake up."

Soryu frowned. "That's... surprising to hear from a guy like you..." she muttered.

It was a backhanded compliment but he didn't take offense. "What about you?" he asked. "Are you angry?"

Soryu nodded, her frown intensifying. He watched as she visibly tensed up, her fingers digging in to her upper arms and leaving scratches.. "Yes..." she replied quietly, staring out the window. "I'm angry..."

Seeing her like this was... uncomfortable. The sight of a girl in distress always had a marked effect on him. "I can understand..." he stated quietly. "I mean... Shinji did kill the Angel kid..."

"Kaworu," Soryu snapped out harshly. "His name was Kaworu..."

Touji nodded. "Kaworu..." he murmured. "Are you angry at Shinji for killing him?"

Soryu bristled, snapping her arms down at her sides, balled into fists, her angry snarl returning. "No, goddammit!" he hissed. "I already told him that too! I'm just fucking angry, angry about everything!"

He stood there, watching her breathing heavily, unsure of what to say. He wasn't good with this type of thing but he did understand the situation. "I can understand," he replied. "It sucks but there's no other choice but to just take it for what it is..."

She seemed to deflate a little bit. "Yeah..." she replied. "Something like that..."

He turned around and this time she didn't say anything. However, after a few hobbling steps he stopped. He felt guilty for just walking away and leaving her there in spite of how abrasive she was... "You know... if you want to talk about it I'll listen..." he stated quietly, unable to bring himself to turn and face her. "It's not fun to just stew in your shit alone..."

There was no response and after a moment Touji breathed a heavy sigh and continued hobbling away. Then, only then, did she speak again. "Thanks..." she murmured softly. "I'll consider it..."

Touji halted once again and turned his head, giving her a respectful nod before continuing on his way...

---

Asuka watched as Touji continued down the hall until he disappeared around the corner. Once he did she breathed a heavy sigh. Part of her felt guilty for snapping at him like that. He seemed to be trying to be amiable to her but... after everything it was so difficult to allow herself to be open with anyone, especially someone as abrasive as him.

Still... it was rather kind of him to want to converse with her. He really wasn't a bad guy despite his presentation as the typical jockstrap. Hell, she could actually see the nicer qualities that Hikari had seen in him. Something about that made it even harder to be nice to him. The idea of allowing someone else into her life only to potentially get stabbed in the back yet again was not a risk she wanted to take... and yet she'd thanked him for expressing willingness to listen to her problems...

It left her deeply conflicted.

Perhaps she could actually confide in Touji. Perhaps the two of them could be friends. Maybe he could understand the horrible shit she'd been through if she took him up on his offer to listen to her problems. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to allow herself to get close to someone else again...

And yet the idea of doing that was terrifying.

She turned back to the bombed and blasted landscape of the geofront as light in the sky continued to fade into dusk, her thoughts drifting back to the conversation she'd had with Shinji earlier in the day. It was good to have reconciled their differences and their transgressions against each other but... part of her was jealous of him. She was jealous of how easy he'd made it seem that things could get better, that he could be better. She wanted that desperately for herself but she didn't see a way forward to accomplish that. Even if they were friends again she still felt alone. That conversation had made her realize just how much she hated being alone...

She emitted a wry, bitter laugh and hung her head as tears welled up in her eyes. How ironic... she'd spent so much of her life trying to be the best, trying to stand on her own two feet, wanting to be alone, an island, unassailable... and it had taken all of her misfortune and loss to realize that was a fruitless goal to strive for. At the same time, the process of reaching out and bonding with others again was just as terrifying as the prospect of being alone. The human condition was truly a fucked up thing to deal with...

"Why does everything have to be so fucking complicated..." she grumbled to herself.

---

"Oh, yes!" Fujita exclaimed, his tone conveying both his fatigue and relief thoroughly. "A bed! A glorious bed and a mini fridge full of nippers paid for by a government blank check! This almost makes sixteen goddamn hours in the air worth it..."

"It doesn't take much to please you, does it?" Kaji responded wryly as he sat down in the hotel room chair by the window, not bothering to look up as he unzipped the bag he'd carried into the room. He pulled out a box of nine millimeter rounds and a pistol magazine, proceeding to load it one round at a time.

Fujita breathed a heavy sigh and lay back on the bed he'd claimed of the two in the room they'd been assigned. "Kaji, you gotta lighten up, man," he replied. "Simple pleasures are what make life worth living. Besides, after those three flights to get here my knees and back are toast..."

Kaji stopped what he was doing and glared at his comrade and friend. "I'm tired too, but we have to get serious, Tetsuo," he grumbled. "We have a job to do..."

Fujita sighed and waved his had dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, I know..." he grumbled. "But if we don't get a good night's rest we'll be unable to do that job, so stop screwing around with the equipment and get some rest..."

Kaji breathed a sigh as he finished loading the first magazine and proceeded to load another one of the dozen contained in the bag. As tired as he was from the three separate flights they'd had to take, and having been awake for nearly twenty four hours, he was in no mood to get any sleep, especially as he neared his ultimate goal...

He set the two pistol mags on the table beside the chair, pulled out a folder contained in the bag, and opened it up. His eyes narrowed as he studied the grainy photograph of Kolinski, his lips contorting into a frown. The man was well protected and was seldom seen in public. The only reason they were half way around the world was because of a singular sighting of the man. Part of him wanted to curse the Japanese government for sending them on this mission, two men against a near ghost. He could be anywhere in the world by now and yet they'd been sent to his last known location. That thought had increasingly bothered him throughout the exhausting long plane trip...

He sifted through the pages of the folder, reading over again their final orders which they'd received from a friendly agent when they transferred flights in Turkey, something he'd already done repeatedly on that final flight. Apparently, Kolinski was the owner of a historic manor in a part of the old city, though he hadn't been seen there in years, and their first step in the morning was to go an investigate. Again, it wasn't much to go on, but it was something. Hopefully the cover story for visiting that they'd been assigned wouldn't be seen through...

"Stop flipping through the files and get some rest..." Fujita grumbled softly. "I can hear you turning pages.

Kaji sighed... "I can't help it..." he muttered. "We're so close and yet so far away..."

"We'll get him," Fujita replied. "Besides, I'm not too worried about getting in. You speak Czech, right?"

"No," Kaji replied with a scowl. "I speak a little German and some English, neither of which is going to help us much..."

"Shit..." Fujita muttered. "That might make things difficult..."

"Indeed..." Kaji replied.

Fujita rolled over on his side, facing the window of the hotel room. "Well... better to not worry about it," he stated quietly. "It can't go any worse than storming the Ministry of Defense like a pair of maniacs... now turn the goddamn light out and get some sleep."

Kaji chuckled softly and shook his head. He did have a point, after pulling off that stunt posing as business associates of a member of SEELE did seem like child's play...

---

Author's Notes

And so the reconciliation between our protagonists has begun. I know that it probably isn't as epic or play to fanservice as much as some of you might prefer, but coming back from the dark places that our favorite trio have been to is not an easy process. This chapter marks that first step nervous toward the light and I intended it to be as raw and real as I possibly could.

Writing Rei and Shinji finally talking again was an absolute joy. Their finally getting themselves together and coming to terms with all they've been through and suffered through. Sorry for anyone who was expecting a hug between the two, or perhaps something more, but considering how they are I couldn't see them reaching that just yet. With Asuka, doing something like that poses far less of a risk for our deuteragonist as he doesn't have festering romantic feelings for her as he does Rei. I suppose Rei and Shinji's conversation is quintesential hedgehog's dilemma...

Oh well... hopefully Kaji and Fujita's little mission to Europe will prove fruitful. We shall see in the next update... and how things will progress for our cast going forward...

Please read and review. Only a few more to go before the curtain falls...

Regards,

A.F.