The day didn't get much better from there, with the subject turning away from the Qunari and back to Kirkwall's Elven Situation. Led by the oldest of the Orlesian Revered Mothers, they began a painfully slow interrogation of Elowen that was clearly designed to try and get her to slip up and admit her worship of the Evanuris rather than Andraste.

My companion kept her temper far better than I would have. She answered their questions on her faith, explained how she had worked with Petrice and Caelia to encourage the worship of Andraste in the Alienage, then answered more questions about her personal beliefs.

Clearly frustrated by her unwillingness to break, they turned their attentions on me, and were utterly unprepared for the mocking laugh I had ready to go when tried to get me to admit that I worshiped the Creators over the Maker. My response threw them off, and gave me a full opportunity to give them the truth couched as my people's 'legends'.

I told them that the Evanuris had never been gods, just immensely powerful mages. That their squabbling had seen Arlathon descend into civil war, that their so-called Gods had been hurled into the Fade by one of their number, doomed to be trapped there, and that their followers had still been squabbling amid the ruins when Tevinter had come for them.

Ironically I think Cassandra was the only one of them to actually believe me. She'd looked extremely interested, noting that my version was far more believable that either the Tevinter or Dalish legends. I think she'd have gone on to question me further, which had more or less been my plan to distract them all as much as possible, if one of the clerics hadn't cut in and started asking about my people's worship of the Maker.

My claim that we did, just by a different name, set off a whole new row about how that was 'impossible' as we'd never 'been guided by Andraste'. Pretty much all of them united against me in that, and my worsening temper had me start snarling right back at them before Cassandra finally slammed a fist down on the table, telling us all, in no uncertain terms, to shut up and behave.

We did, and she then snapped for the Clerics to accept that neither Elowen or I was a closeted Dalish, that she approved of how Meredith was handling the Alienage, and to move on with the purpose of the Conference.

Cowed, they'd asked Elthina about the Chantry revitalization program that had been part and parcel of Dumar's short lived reconstruction plans. I had no idea why we had to be there for that, but no one dismissed us, so we were stuck listening to them debate just how effective the new buildings were in drawing in the faithful.

That dragged on until well into the afternoon, with only a few light snacks being served as a small luncheon. By the time Elthina and Cassandra finally called an end for the day I was tired, sore, and fuming.

"Cullen?" I asked, any politeness long gone from my voice. "Mind escorting the Baroness for me? I need to talk to the Knight-Commander."

Blonde eyebrows rose at my ordering tone, but he proved amenable, gallantly extending an arm to the lady in question. She took it, giving me a warning look that bounced off of my frustrated exhaustion, the two of them drifting out after the various Clerics, Cassandra stomping out along with them.

That left me alone with the final boss of Dragon Age Two. Meredith watched as I walked over, shoving the door shut when the last Revered Mother didn't close it behind her.

"Maeve." My name contained a warning as I stalked over to the refreshments table. "Do not presume to give my subordinates orders in the future."

"It was a polite request." I muttered, just loudly enough I knew she'd hear it. My hands began pouring us both drinks, hers far stronger than mine. "You going to tell me what the fuck this is about?" After a sullen beat, I added, "Messere?"

Her voice hardened further. "Sit."

I shut up and walked back over, cups in either hand. I sat down across from her, sliding her drink over.

She took it without ever looking away from me, her stare piercing enough that I had to look away first.

"In letters, and in small doses in person, I find your occasional displays of emotion, and your commentary, to be amusing." Meredith said. "But it seems your time away from this city has atrophied your common sense. A meeting of the Chantry's most powerful figures is not a time to be either rude, snide, or flippant. Your attendance over the remaining three days will be with a much improved control over your tongue. Is that understood?"

My jaw worked for a moment, then I forced myself to nod once. "Understood, messere."

"Good." The Knight Commander said, her eyes still locked onto my face when I risked a glance before returning my own to my cup. "We shall leave discussion of your unorthodox faith behind. Instead we shall discuss our preparations for the Qunari's inevitable betrayal, and the battle that shall result. We will wait to discuss your evolving position in the city until that is handled."

Wrapping my fingers around my cup, I brought it to my lips, taking a slow drink of the watery juice. Dammit but I wished it was real wine... or brandy.

...suddenly I felt tired. Exhausted, mentally and physically.

"Why me, Meredith? You know that I'm not interested." I said quietly. "I'm really not."

My gaze drifted enough to see her glare soften. "It is your duty, girl. Do you disagree that the Qun is a blight upon this land?"

I sighed, taking another small sip of my juice. "You know I don't. They're a bunch of evil maniacs who are up to something in that compound. Something we should deal with sooner rather than later."

"Then what is your complaint?" She asked, a bit of sharpness returning. "The woman I saw standing tall in a burning city, with two arrows protruding from her body, would not whine over her duties like a child."

"That woman hadn't killed as many people as I have." I countered. "I'm not... Meredith, I'm not a soldier, or a commander. I'm sick of fighting, of killing. I just want to stay alive, help out here and there, and find my way home. That's it."

"...Maker's breath." Meredith seemed to age before my eyes. Her hard stare faltering completely, the tension leaving her spine. It left her looking... old, and as battered as she truly was. "The Deshyr warned me that you were in denial, but it is worse than I thought."

I frowned. "...in denial? About what? And when the fuck did you talk to Varric?"

Her eyes remained sharp when they met mine. She ignored the second question in favor of answering the former in a way I could not have anticipated.

"Maeve. You cannot go home."

The words hit me like a physical blow, an ache forming in my chest, the word a rasp when I found my voice. "What?"

"Look me in the eye, girl, and tell me that you believe that you will return to your homeland. That you truly believe it in your very soul." She ordered. "Do it this very moment."

I tried to. Fuck but I tried.

My mouth formed the words...

...but nothing came out.

Meredith exhaled, a small shake of her head sending hair that was more gray than blonde shaking. "I knew that you had lost your hope the moment you accepted the Viscount's dinner, in your first days returned to us. When you answered the Grand Cleric's summons. If you truly believed that your stay in this city was temporary, you would not have bothered to attend either and you know it."

"I..." It was the only word I could find, whatever else I was saying coming out as nothing.

"You would have invented a paltry excuse, just believable enough to soothe them, and then avoided any messengers sent." She went on relentlessly. "Tel me that I am wrong."

That... fuck. I should have done that. I really shouldn't have cared to stop by Dumar's little party. Should have flipped off the Grand Cleric. I wasn't planning on staying in Kirkwall. Hell, if Isabella hadn't been delayed, I'd have been leaving in a little over a week. One way or another..

Sure, that level of rudeness might have seen them irritated, a bit of push-back, but nothing I couldn't deal with. Fuck. Merrill and I could have just ridden back to Isabella as soon as we'd gotten her letter that she'd be late. We'd put in our appearances, seen old friends... there really wasn't a compelling reason to stay at this point.

So why the hell had I gone back into old habits? Gone back to acting like I had to keep the powers-that-be placated?

"Your letters betrayed more than you would ever admit." Meredith continued the moment before I thought I'd be able to say something. Not giving me a single chance to retreat, to divert her verbal assault. "Your actions in Ferelden were transparent. A time to grieve, yes, but also a means to contact Dalish mages unshackled by that naive King. A hope that they would have an ancient path you might use, a hope that obviously failed."

I just... stared at her.

"Your privateer raids to the north gave you no landmarks, no winds that you thought would take you home, beyond the Qunari. Beyond the Donarks." Meredith continued. "Had either option borne fruit, you would have remained. You would never have returned to this city, to the title and duties you claim to hate."

From her point of view, it made a certain degree of sense. That I would try to work with the Dalish of Ferelden, Dalish far more free than any other thanks to Alistair and Anora. That, when they couldn't give me a magical route home, that I'd gone to Isabella, hoping to find any kind of rumors of a passage to the far north.

That neither had panned out, leaving me broken and despondent. Left me to come slinking back to Kirkwall, to the closest thing I had to home in Thedas, using Varric as an excuse. So that I wouldn't have to face the fact that I was never making it home.

Another misconception. Just another misconception of hers, that I had to...

...fuck.

If it was... if it was just a misconception... why the fuck hadn't I been able to say it?

"No." I whispered. "No. I have to go home. I have to."

Meredith regarded me without any particular emotion in her gaze. "Then why could you not tell me that you believe you will one day return?"

Lips parted. Air filled my lungs.

No words came out.

Again.

My hand was shaking when it grabbed my cup. When I took a long swig, desperately wishing that it was real alcohol. I wished it badly enough that I actually began to get up, fully intending on going to grab a bottle of something, only for Meredith to surge upwards, roaring at me.

"Sit down!"

My ass hit wood in an instant.

"If I have restrained myself, so shall you." She slammed both hands onto the table, apparently knowing exactly what I'd been about to do. "If I hear that you have touched anything stronger than that juice before you, I shall have you brought to the Gallows and placed in a cell for a week!"

I believed her. Just as I knew that such a thing would completely reveal my magic, seeing her sword take my head off. If I was lucky.

"Yes, messere." I mumbled.

Her glare remained in place until I ducked my head as well, a show of submission that saw her ease herself back down, speaking again. "I do not say this to be cruel, but because it must be said. By whatever foul magic Tevinter used to bring you here, here you are to remain. You will accept this, and cease your childish complaints over the duties that I assign to you."

"I..." I inhaled, held it for a long three count, then let it out. "...I can't just give up."

"I am not saying that you should." She replied, voice slowly returning to a calmer timber. "But that you are to stop pretending as though it is your only focus. If you wish to spend the following winter exploring the northern seas once again, I shall wish you the best and pray that you return safely, or find any hint of a route beyond those seas."

A pause made me glance up to see her finally taking a sip of her wine, apparently needing it for her throat. Once she swallowed she continued, "However, while you are in Kirkwall, you remain a Knight of this city, and thus under my command. You shall perform the duties assigned to you, and I shall ensure you are rewarded appropriately. Is that understood?"

My jaw worked again. "...yes."

Her eyes narrowed slightly, "Out of my fondness for you, I will give you this. If you truly do not wish to strike back at the Qunari, to return to your role as a protector of the Elves in this city, I will look the other way if you depart for Ferelden once again."

That would be the smartest thing to do. Run back to Hawke's not-so-little castle in Amaranthine. Hold up there, leave a letter for Isabella. Tell her to come drop off the Eluvian once she and Fiolya had caught up with everyone here. Use Ferelden as a much calmer base from which we could explore the Crossroads.

A place where I could figure everything out in a calmer setting.

...heh. Calmer fucking setting. Who the hell did I think I was kidding? It certainly wasn't me. I'd had a full year in Ferelden already. Apart from a short trip to Denerim, and a month in the Brecilian forest, we'd done nothing but train, lounge, and work on Merrill's Eluvian. I'd had all of that time to come up with plans, schemes. To really figure shit out.

I'd accomplished jack and shit. Then I'd done more running away from doing any kind of long term planning with Isabella, just focusing on our next target. On learning the ins and outs of sailing, of how she managed her crew. Helping Merrill finish up the basic repairs to the mirror, helping train Fiolya in sword play.

All of that, and my plans for what would come next had amounted to... what?

Stall for time regarding Merrill's emotions, stall for years until Solas woke up?

Then pray that he both would and could help me? With absolutely no idea what I'd do if he couldn't?

My hands rose, rubbing furiously at my face. "...fuck. I... fuck. Give me a minute."

Meredith, thankfully, did. She sipped her wine, staring at me, but otherwise doing nothing as I continued having an existential crisis.

Shit. I really didn't have a plan for what would come if Solas refused me. Well, no, if he refused I pretty much assumed I'd be dead. Killed by him in a bit of outraged pique that a Human could become an Elf. What I didn't have a plan for was if he wanted to help, but had no idea how to send someone from one world to another. I also had no plan for what to do if I couldn't find the bald bastard in time to stop him from giving his orb to a monster.

Any of those could mean being stuck on a Thedas under the Dread Wolf's gaze. Knowing exactly what he planned to do, and having to decide what to do about it.

If I really was stuck here for the rest of my life... was Kirkwall the place I'd stay?

Ideally? No. It was a corrupt, conflicted, bloodthirsty mess of a city. Something about what Tevinter had once used it for continuing into the modern day, thinning the Veil, driving people insane with disturbing regularity. I'd never be able to live a calm, boring life here.

But... it was still the closest thing to a home that I had. It was where most of my friends were. Where I'd found myself the most comfortable. Where people, ugh, trusted me. Relied on me. If I left for Ferelden, the entire Alienage would feel betrayed. Elowen, and Zatris, and Shina, and Nethon. The kids who all, God help them, seemed to know me on sight and think I was a great Elven warrior.

Could I just... leave them all behind?

I closed my eyes, focusing on my breathing. When that didn't help much, I swore and slammed a fist down on the table hard enough to make me swear again, "Motherfucker!"

When I opened my eyes again it was to find Meredith giving me a less than impressed look.

"Just accepting that I'm a useless bitch that wasted my last two years here." I sighed, feeling myself slumping back. "I... dammit. You might have a point."

"Might?"

I scowled at her, "If you were my squire I'd say something about not getting smug. Since you aren't, I'll just glare at you a bit."

Her lips twitched. "Then you accept it?"

"I accept that I need to start planning on what to do if I can't get home." I replied. "And... that Kirkwall is apparently the closest thing I've got to a home. That I'm not the kind of person who'd just up and abandon the Alienage, even if that would probably be better for me."

"Were you that kind of person, I would have no respect for you." Meredith told me. "I certainly would not desire to see you given more influence within this city."

I grunted, forcing myself to sit a little straighter, to accept that I was once again trapped in Kirkwall. Beholden to Meredith, and Dumar, and going to be stuck doing all kinds of things I'd really rather not.

"All right." I said. "But I still want you to answer my first question before I actually agree to anything."

Meredith frowned at me. "Which was?"

"Why me?" I asked simply.

Her frown deepened for a moment, then slowly faded, "I suppose that is a valid question. What am I, a decorated Knight-Commander of the Templar Order, doing elevating a lost Elf to a place of power in my city? Why do I even care about what fate befalls her?"

I wrapped my fingers around my cup, forcing myself to be patient when she stared at nothing for several moments.

When she resumed it was with a little shake of her head. "In truth, when I first heard of you, I thought little of the reports. Some poor Elven scavenger hired by Ser Thrask to assist him in finally doing his proper duty. I did not care enough to even see you in person, when you were nearly slain protecting Mother Petrice. I only inquired as to your health to show the Knight-Lieutenant favor by watching out for one of his assets. I assume you knew as much."

"I assumed it was a show of support for Petrice, I think." I frowned for a moment, trying to remember. "I was surprised that you came by at all."

Meredith shrugged, "If you had died then, I can not honestly say that I would have mourned you as I would now. That I would have understood just what this city lost... cease your squirming, girl. Accept the compliment."

I did my best to still, even if I still scowled a little.

"It was only after you survived, when I spoke directly to Thrask, that I realized that what I had attributed to him was in fact due to you." She went on. "I had pushed for your Watch to be accepted because I believed that he led it. To find that he was taking the orders of a tiny, foul mouthed, foreign woman was a shock. I nearly chastised him, and only a perverse desire to see why he followed you held me back from ending the experiment."

...shit. We'd been a whole lot closer to the razor's edge than I'd realized.

"What changed your mind?" I sat up a bit more, answering my own question. "The Foundry."

"Yes.." A quick nod. "Your people leading the Knight-Captain directly to that disgusting creature convinced me that there was something valuable in what you were doing. Your discovery and slaying of the maleficar in Darktown, and then your actions on the coast in support of my Order. Time and again I found Elves doing duties that my thinly stretched Templars could not, and that no one else could or would."

"Brennan would have." I said at once.

Her hand waved, "The Guard Captain is skilled, and does her best, but I do not trust more than half of her Guards. Neither does she, and the situation was far worse then than it is now."

"Point." I admitted.

She gave me a faint smile, then went on. "I was considering arranging an interview with you before the Maker's will brought us together for the first time. When I stormed into a burning Alienage filled with the corpses of Maleficar and mercenaries to see you standing there. The tiniest little woman I had ever seen, soaked to her bones from the rain, a bloody sword in her hand, arrows still embedded in her flesh... and yet you refused my aid. You stood tall and saluted, ignoring pain that would have made veteran warriors howl."

"And then..." A dark chuckle came out, "Your actions after. Bleeding and wounded, your fury when your squire came to you was something to behold. There was no hesitation to your rising, to your demand for immediate justice. You lived up to every glowing word offered by Ser Thrask, by Mother Petrice. I cannot claim to have been moved by you as they claimed to be, but I did recognize that I had finally found the ally in the city I had been desperately searching for. Someone who understood the true dangers facing Kirkwall and those devout souls within."

Meredith took a pause to drink her wine, an action I mimicked before she continued.

"After that, you remained exemplary. Your rebuilding plans combined with the Viscount's to give this city a vitality it badly needed, and your performance during the Grand Tourney was impeccable... even in the end. That I owe you my very life is not in doubt. All of this?" She lifted her glass, waving it around us, "Consider this my attempt to both repay that debt, and to continue to make use of the city's most effective knight."

"I doubt I'm that." I said.

"Of course you are." Meredith countered at once. "When I give you tasks, you accomplish them. In unorthodox, often violent fashion, but you have never once failed to act in this city's best interests. Were you ten years younger I would have made you join my Order, to prepare you to replace Cullen, just as he shall replace me."

The very notion nearly made me shudder, a quick sip of wine covering up any tells.

"...so I'm useful." I said, "Because I give zero shits about what the nobility thinks, and because I don't let silly things like laws written by idiots slow me down."

Her teeth showed. "Quite. Have I answered your question?"

"...I guess you have."

It was about what I could have expected. What I should have guessed if I'd been more on the ball these days.

Meredith liked me because I'd given her criminal mages to execute, liked me more when I'd stood against those same mages attacking the Alienage, and that I'd created an entire Elven organization capable of finding and reporting on any illegal mages in the city. That we were only reporting the ones who were, you know, actually criminals was something she clearly didn't know. Didn't ever need to know.

That I'd killed Brosca, letting the Golem's control rod be destroyed, stopping him from using it to finish her off, was clearly at play as well.

"So... the Qunari." I said finally. "Isabella and I attacked two separate convoys headed to Kirkwall while we were farther north. Both were laden down with supplies, plus more members of the Antaam. They were definitely aiming to reinforce the compound, not evacuate it."

Meredith nodded, clearly approving of the fact that I wasn't bitching anymore. That I was focusing on what she wanted me to focus on.

"How many additional troops could they bring in?" She asked.

I chewed on my lip for a moment, trying to think back to those raids. "It's hard to say. We weren't crazy enough to board the troop transports, we just... kind of burned them and then moved after the supply ships."

And Longing had been forced to take control of my dreams more than once when I'd started to have nightmares about the screams we'd heard on the wind.

"Hundreds at a minimum." I said finally. "Let's say a thousand is the middle case, and two thousand is the worst. With the Guard and Watches being expanded, I think we could defend the city against that many, but I don't know if we could breach the compound without a lot of Mages. Even then it'll be rough since we'll be fighting inside the city itself, against an enemy that's definitely going to be fortifying their compound even more after today."

"I have begun identifying Battle-mages who are faithful, and loyal." Meredith replied. "Assume you will have a few dozen."

I grimaced. "Knight-Commander, I'm... willing is a strong word, but I'm at least resigned to helping with this. That doesn't mean I want to command it, or think I'm even vaguely qualified to do so."

"You shall not. I will. You will merely act as my second." She corrected me. "You will, however, draft the first plans for my and my officers review."

Maybe I could do a shitty job on purpose. Lose a little of her respect without totally-

"And you will do so to the best of your ability."

I sighed. "That obvious?"

"Yes." She said. "Tomorrow at the seventh bell, you will attend a working breakfast in the Guard-Captain's office. You shall work with her and with the Knight-Captain to begin drawing up your initial plans, and you will further ensure that they obey the Seeker's orders that we cannot act without direct evidence of the Qunari breaking their agreement."

That would be irritating. "Easier to just catch another spy, use that as an excuse to attack."

"It would, but the Seeker's orders come with the authority of the Divine herself." Meredith's voice hardened again. "We will not act until the heretical ox-men betray the Chantry's trust, no matter how wise it would be."

"...yeah, all right." When she gave me yet another flat look, I corrected myself, "Yes, messere."

Mereidth nodded once, grimaced, then slowly pushed herself to her feet. "You have your duties, Dame. Carry them out, and I will see you appropriately rewarded. Should I come across any tales of far off Elven lands, you shall be the first to know, and I will ensure no duties occupy you should you wish to explore this world in the fall and winter months."

I rose as well, drawing up into my best salute. "Understood, Knight-Commander."