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Thank you to two Awesome ladies, Mel C and SassyNoles! They have encouraged me with my story and in my personal life. XOXO
Yeah, I know it's been a while. Life has been Lif-ing. Instead of getting into long explanations, I'll let you get to it…
Chapter 19: Smoke and Mirrors
Edward
I hated my fuckin' life!
I kicked the box out of my way so I could get by and put another goddamn box down. That was what my life had turned into these past several weeks—boxes.
Eleazar and Dad were all too eager to come to help me move out of my old apartment and to the third floor at my parents' house. My father had always been in shape, but I swear I'd never seen him lift heavy wood furniture as easily as he did that day. It made me sick to my stomach that I was about to lose the freedom I had become so used to.
My clothes and shoes were all over the place. Some halfway hung out of boxes, while others were scattered across the floor. I had piles of shoes in two different corners. My current room was the polar opposite of how I kept my apartment. There was plenty of dressers and closet space to put my garments away, but I'd refused to accept my reality and unpack, although I'd been here for almost one month.
I'd been in a pissy mood no matter how accommodating Mom had been. Dad, not so much. He told me to stop acting like a broody little fuck and get over it.
It was not that my dad was heartless or insensitive. He just logically looked at things, and in his mind, I'd been beyond irresponsible out on my own. From his perspective, the best solution was for me to come back home. Once he made his mind up, there was no changing it.
Of course, Eleazar added his two cents, stating that being home was best for me and now maybe I could begin to work on my "issues." Whatever the fuck that meant. I had nothing to say to that, so I just simply walked away from him.
Have you ever loved someone but didn't necessarily like them? Yeah, that sums up my relationship with my eldest brother.
Emmett had been my only confidant through all of this madness. He didn't agree with my lifestyle, but he thought our parents had taken it too far by insisting I come back home.
Rosalie and Carmen were so disgusted with me after they saw the Facebook posts that they'd barely looked at me, much less spoken a word to me. Although, I wish Rosalie was more subtle with her repugnance like Carmen was. Whenever she'd come over and we crossed paths, she'd stare at me with a disdained scowl.
I dropped down on my bed, massaging the back of my neck. I didn't have any clients or class today. I had no plans and wasn't really trying to make any either. Between starting my new classes and my clientele picking up, I was beat.
When I went downstairs earlier to grab some orange juice, I overheard Dad tell Mom he was off today and had planned to spend the entire day resting at home. Which also meant, he'd be on my ass about finally cleaning my room.
I sighed dejectedly and took small steps toward the storage bin with shoes in it when the door slammed against the wall. "Well, hello, dipshit." Alice sneered.
My nostrils flared and my lips curled. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you not heard of knocking before you come barging into someone's room?"
"I don't see anyone in here." She chuckled. "And it's not like that's going to happen here anyway." She waved a dismissive hand. "You're fully clothed so what's the big fucking deal? You've been acting all emo since you moved in." She picked up one of my t-shirts, with the tips of her fingers, like it was the dirtiest thing she'd seen before dropping it to the floor. She scanned the room and tsked.
"Alice, that's not the damn point." I narrowed my eyes and pointed in the direction of the door. "My door was closed and that means you better fuckin' knock. Do you understand, or do I need to draw it out, so you'll understand?" Pain radiated through my jaw because my teeth were clenched so tight.
Alice had been a thorn in my side from the minute I walked into my parents' house. She had taunted me about not being adult enough not to have my dirty laundry aired on social media and that it was about time someone had finally put me in my place.
She walked closer to me. "You mindless little fuckboy. The one who sticks his dick in anything with a hole. How fucking dare you." She mocked.
"Fuckboy?" I laughed but it had an edge to it. "Says the one that got caught butt ass naked by the football coach." I tilted my head to the side. "Alice, you've been caught in so many compromising positions that Mom and Dad don't know about." I leaned closer to emphasize my point. "Your best bet is to get the hell out of my room before that quickly changes." I smirked.
I knew shit about her that she didn't know I knew. But instead of being a blabbermouth like she was, I kept my secrets until I deemed it necessary to reveal them.
Her hands curled into fists. "What are you talking about, asshole?"
"Don't worry about it." I deliberately raised one eyebrow. "Just leave." I jerked my chin toward the door.
Her posture sagged and her chin slightly trembled. "I can't stand you." Some of the bravado she came in with had left.
She had told me that so many times, it didn't even bother me anymore. Our relationship had been convoluted for so long, I wasn't sure if it would ever change.
"Do you think it's easy living with you? You've been busting my balls since I've been back." I pointed toward the floor. "I mean come on, Ali, you've been throwing shit about Bella in my face every day." I shook my head. "But you can't stand me." I laughed without humor.
Alice knew Bella was a sore spot for me. There wasn't anything else she could say that bothered me.
"Maybe if you had remembered you should've been loyal to me—your sister…" she pointed to her chest. "…and not dated that bitch in the first place, we wouldn't get into so many arguments. You knew I couldn't stand her, and yet you still brought her here in my house." She waved her hand. "Fuck how that made me feel, huh? I wasn't a concern because you got what you wanted." She stomped her foot. "I'm your family, Edward—not her!"
She reminded me of a six-year-old child having a tantrum. I pinched the bridge of my nose and tried to rein in the anger that pulsated throughout my body.
I stepped back, purposely to keeping my distance. "When are you going to let that go?"
She cut me off. "Let it go? She single-handedly broke me and Chris up." Her face was red.
It was sad as hell when you believed your own lie.
I raised my hand for her to stop talking. "Alice, Bella had nothing to do with that. That was all you. You've been buying your own shit for months now. It's time to let that go—it's time to let him go."
Alice closed the distance between us, poking me in the chest with her index finger. "Which one are you? The pot or the kettle? Since you can give me your unwanted advice about what I need to do, why don't you try taking yourself?" She crossed her arms across her chest.
I felt a hardness in my gut.
Once again, she didn't know when to stop.
That was why I couldn't hold a conversation with her for more than three minutes because she always irked the hell out of me.
I couldn't explain it, but I couldn't just let Bella walk away. It had been hell for me since she went back to school and I didn't have a chance to see her before she left.
"Mary Alice, I'm not going to ask you again. Get. The. Hell. Out. You're really pushing it. If you don't leave now, you're going to force me to inform our dear parents about some of your sexuations." I chuckled bitterly. "I have witnesses that can back up my story, so it won't be your word against mine."
She took in a sharp breath. "I h—"
I interrupted her again. "The feeling is mutual," I lied. "Since you hate me so much, stay the hell out of my room and my business." I held my hands out with my palms up. "How about we call it a truce. You stay out of my way, and I'll stay out of yours. We don't even have to talk… at all, I mean." I sucked my teeth.
I knew what I said was hurtful, but what she said hurt me too. I'd grown tired of her pouring salt on the same opened wound. It hadn't always been like this between us. Alice and Jimmy were my two best friends. But after I entered high school, things changed. I didn't think much of it because we'd still hang out but just not as much, but she had her friends and I had mine.
But the day I brought Bella home for dinner to meet my parents, was when everything exploded. Alice and my relationship deteriorated fast. She didn't speak to me for almost three weeks after that. When she finally spoke, she said the meanest things to me—things I'd thought she'd never say.
"Fine." She rolled her eyes, marched out the room, and slammed the door shut.
Having an argument with my sister was not the way I wanted to start my day, but she provoked it—like she always did. Maybe after a few weeks of peace and quiet, I'd rethink what I said and at least speak to her. Maybe.
I breathed a sigh of relief, looked around my room, and finally started putting my clothes away.
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"Jimmy." I took a sip from my water bottle. "It's not funny. How are you supposed to be my boy and you're sitting here laughing at me?"
"I'm still your boy." He chuckled. "I'm not laughing at you-I'm laughing with you."
I'd told Jimmy about the highlights of being back home with my family.
"Does it look like I'm laughing?" I tried to fight off the smile but failed.
"See." He pointed. "You know it's funny too."
"Yeah, whatever, dude." I rolled my eyes. "Nah, but seriously, J, I'm going out of my mind. Bella won't answer any of my calls or text messages, and between work and school, I can't drive downstate to see her." I sighed. "This whole thing is fucked up."
"You're right." He nodded. "It is fucked up, but we're not having the same conversation over again, E. You know where I stand on this." All humor was gone.
"Look, I get it, okay." I stood and paced back and forward. "Haven't you ever messed up? Have you ever regretted doing something after the fact?"
"Edward, who do you think you're fooling? You didn't regret what you did at all. Do you know what regret is? You weren't sorry or repentant for what you did. The only thing you're sorry about is that you got caught." He scooted to the edge of his chair. "Had you wanted to do right by Bella, you would have. You made those fucked-up choices, now you have to live with them." He laid his palms on his thighs and leaned forward. "She seems to be happy with that other guy, so why don't you just let it go and move on?"
Out of everything he'd said, the one thing that stuck out the most was the choices I made. My choices got me here, got us here. But I was too blinded to see that then.
This time was different. I really wanted to try and be better for her. Be everything she wanted—needed.
My insides were tearing up at the thought of another guy touching her—kissing her. Half the time I couldn't think straight because I couldn't get to her like I wanted to.
"You're right." I stopped pacing and looked Jimmy directly in the eyes.
He jerked back in surprise at my response. "What?"
I cleared my throat. "I said you're right."
"Why the sudden change of heart?" Jimmy squinted his eyes like he didn't believe me. But to be fair, he had every right to be suspect.
"Over the past five weeks or so, especially since Bella's been gone, I've had more time to think things through—the decisions I've made, and they were fucked up."
"Okay, yeah, but I've been telling you that. Forgive me for the redundant question, but why the sudden change of heart, now?"
"Because… I..." I sighed dejectedly and pulled on my hair. "I want her back, okay? What I've been doing hasn't worked, and I don't know what else to do."
I was finally coming to the realization that I'd lost her for good, but this was the first time I'd actually admitted it out loud to anyone. It didn't feel or sound right.
"All right, good." He hesitated. "That's good you've come to that conclusion. Now just let her be and you move on, just like she did."
"You all keep telling me that, but I can't." I began to pace again. "It's not that simple. C'mon J, would just let Vicki walk away like that, without a fight?"
"No, I wouldn't," Jimmy responded quickly. "But…" He paused with his index finger in the air. "If Vicki walked away from me, it wouldn't be because I cheated on her, over and over again. Hell, the thought of cheating on her one time makes me sick." His face turned up in disgust. "I'm not trying to be a dick, but E, please don't think just because you've decided to wake up and be in the real world with the rest of us that she'll instantaneously forgive and forget."
I whipped my head around in anger. "What the fuck is up with you? Why does it seem like you're so against us getting back together?"
"Whoa, dude." He held his hands up. "You need to calm the fuck down. I'm not against you and Bella being together. Remember I was the one telling you not to fuck it up." He pointed to his chest. "I was the one telling you to leave all those other girls alone. But you blew me off and did what you wanted to do—like you always do." He sneered.
As I stood there flabbergasted as Jimmy listed one thing after the other, I remembered some of the times he told me I was playing with fire or that I was going to ruin a good thing with Bella. It was just like he said-I did what I wanted to do.
"I'm sorry." The tension left his face. "You did warn me, more than once, but I can't go back and change any of it. If I could, I would, but I can't. I don't want to keep focusing on the past. I need you to help me fix this." Desperation was heavy in my tone.
"It can't be fixed, man." He exhaled. "This may be hard for you to accept but you got to let this go."
"Don't you get it, J." I closed the distance between us. "I can't. She haunts me in my sleep every fucking night." I pressed my palms over my eyes. "And when I'm awake, it's worse. I can barely concentrate. I get it. I fucked up. But I have to at least try. She won't give me a chance." I jammed my hands in my front pockets.
"Edward." He stood and rested his hand on my shoulder "Bella doesn't have to give you anything."
"Man, Jimmy, you've been spot on all day, huh?" I chuckled without humor. "No, she doesn't but I am still going to try." I pulled my phone out and looked at my appointments for the next three days. I didn't have any, so I could email my professors to let them know I'd turn my assignments in a couple days late and then I'd have nothing but free time. "I'll see you Friday afternoon." I put my phone in my pocket.
"You're driving downstate, aren't you?" His eyebrows furrowed.
"Yes." I nodded once.
He blew out his cheeks. "Okay, see you later."
Without another word, I walked back to my working space, collected my belongings, and walked out of the shop.
I knew Jimmy was done with our conversation by the look on his face. I was positive he felt like he was talking to a brick wall, and in a sense, he was. Maybe I came off as an obsessive, out-of-control, idiot. But none of that mattered. My bottom line was getting Bella back, and if that meant I had to shut everyone out, including my best friend, so be it.
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The black-topped road twinkled in the sunlit afternoon, while the fluffy white clouds drifted lazily in the gentle breeze. The heat of the summer days was quickly coming to a close, and Autumn was making her entrance.
I rode with the windows down as old school, "Always and Forever" blasted on repeat from my speakers. Traffic was light because most people were still at work on a Tuesday afternoon.
After I left the tattoo shop, I ran home, threw some stuff in a bag, and left. I sent my parents a text, telling them I'd be in Champaign for a few days. Just because I was back home, they didn't need to know every damn thing I did.
I was already on edge driving down here without having a chance to speak to Bella first, I didn't need to have any more conversations where someone tried to talk me out of going.
The trip was normally a little over two hours, but because my speedometer stayed on eighty-five that cut down the time. Obviously, luck was on my side since I didn't get pulled over and the road was primarily empty.
All-too-familiar buildings come into sight when I exited at North Market Street. I slowed down considerably since the speed limit was thirty miles and the university police weren't so forgiving.
I turned into the same parking lot I always used, but I wasn't sure if Bella was in the same dorm or not. Good thing I remembered the buildings most of her classes were in. So, I started walking to that area first. It was still early enough for her to be in class, so it was a strong possibility I'd run into her. I found a bench in a corner near an old tree. It covered me enough that people wouldn't really notice me but gave me a good view to see Bella if she walked by.
I wasn't sure if minutes or hours had passed but that was due to me being impatient. I had rehearsed over and over in my mind exactly what I wanted to say to Bella. But the sitting and waiting part drove me crazy. There were only so many times I could scroll on social media or play a game.
A deep laugh not too far from me caused me to look up from my phone. I squinted my eyes at first because I thought I wasn't seeing right. I stood up and walked close enough to not get noticed. I wasn't seeing things: Grayson was here with Bella. Fuck! He must have driven here to see her, too. He was carrying her on his back, and she had her arms wrapped around his neck, laughing. I stood there frozen, memorized by how beautiful and carefree her smile was.
They seemed to be lost in their own world, in their own conversation, as if no one else existed around them. She'd said something in his ear, and he laughed before angling his head enough to kiss her on the lips.
Bella looked happy. I hadn't seen her look like that since the beginning of our relationship. I used to make her laugh like that, where it reached her eyes. I remembered doing anything I could to keep that smile on her face.
Suddenly I felt cold, and it traveled to the core of my stomach.
What if Jimmy was right? What if it was too late? What if I couldn't fix this?
One part of me felt like it would have been better if I got back in my car and drove home. She'd never even know I was here. But then the other part of me said to not go down without a fight. I wanted Bella so bad I could taste it.
My body moved before I could even think it through completely. Then from somewhere behind me, I heard someone say, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." I knew the voice, but I couldn't quite place it because I was too focused on getting my Bella.
I spun around. "Excuse me." My eyes landed on Garrett.
"I said to stay where you are." His eye contact was unwavering.
"Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do? I drove down here to speak to Bella and that's exactly what I'm going to do. You or no one else will stop me." I looked him up and down.
"I'm positive Gray would say differently." He smirked.
"Garrett, you and I have always been cool." I quickly turned to see if Bella was still in sight. I didn't want to lose her by talking to him. "We can talk all of this out after I've squared things away with my girl."
He arched one eyebrow and closed the distance between us. "Either we're having a miscommunication or you're dumber than I thought you were. You won't be talking to Bella today or any other day. You've failed to remember she's not just Tanya's best friend, she's mine too. I know every fucked-up detail about the shit you pulled." He crossed his arms across his chest. "There was countless time I wanted to find you and stomp a mudhole in your ass, but Bella stopped me every time. She said you weren't worth it."
That stung. My muscles stiffened involuntarily before I forced them to relax. My eyes widened in shock. Garrett was the laid-back, quiet one. Tanya was the mouthier one, but it seemed I had underestimated him.
I opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off. "Here's what you're gonna do." He moved into my personal space. "You're going to turn around, get back in your car, and leave Bella the fuck alone. You're done." He waved his hand with finality. "All the begging in the world couldn't fix the shit you did. Face it, you lost. A better man won, and there is no way in hell I'm going to stand by and let you try and fuck up her happiness."
My fist clenched and unclenched. He had pushed buttons that even Alice hadn't. I wanted to punch him dead in the face, but Bella would hate me more than she already did.
When I finally fell out of my stupor, I spoke and put some space between us. "I don't need your or anyone else's permission to talk to her. As long as she doesn't turn me away, that's all that matters."
"But hasn't she though?" He smirked. "I've seen on a regular basis your number flash across her phone on silent, going to voicemail. If that doesn't scream being turned away or not wanting to be bothered, I don't know what does." He chuckled. "You wanna know what I think, Cullen?" I really didn't but I knew he would tell me anyway. "You want what you can't have. You had her but you acted like an ass time after time, and now that she has really left you alone, you want her back. You don't want her back out of love, you want to control and manipulate her, like you've always done."
I slowly shook my head. "I won't let you stand here and tell me I didn't or don't love her."
"Dude, you cheated on her every opportunity you got." He snorted a laugh. "I don't think you even know what love is, much less that you're capable of loving someone else. Your own actions showed that." He shook his head. "Go ahead and look again before you leave. See how happy Bella is? Grayson loves Bella. He treats her like a fucking queen-like she's always deserved."
When I looked again Grayson was sitting on a bench with Bella on his lap. They were hugged up and looked cozy as hell. I'd been standing for several minutes and she hadn't noticed me one time. We used to have this thing between us where one knew the other was in the room before we even saw each other.
My head began to spin, and I felt a painful lump in my throat. I felt Garrett's eyes burn the side of my head, but I refused to make eye contact with him.
"I'll say it one final time because the next time I won't be as nice," he said calmly. "Get back in your car and go back home. Stop calling, and texting, and definitely don't come back down here. Bella doesn't have to know about your little impromptu visit unless you tell her. Grow the fuck up and be the bigger man, or at least act like one and stay away. Since you say you love her so much, love her enough to want to see her happy even if it's not with you."
I felt numb. Empty. But I still heard the muffled laughs between them. Every time she laughed, it was as if I was being stabbed with a knife.
The fight that I drove down with was gone.
I stared out at nothing and answered with a small nod. "You're right." My voice was monotone. I left no room for Garrett to do anything else because I turned and walked in the direction of my parked car.
A/N: Borrowing my beta's words… Edward had some harsh truths in this chapter. What did you think about the back and forth between Edward and Alice?
I know some of you love Jimmy already… do you love him even more, now?
Did Garrett surprise you?
RECS: The Way I Wanted It, by Iambeagle WIP
This Is Where It Ends, by Hotteaforme WIP
La Bellissima, by StarryBlueEyes WIP
The Love of the Game, by DrivingEdward WIP
Taking the Horizon, by NerdyLilDarlins COMPLETED
All of these authors have done a REMARKABLE job with these stories. The WIP's keep me on the edge of my seat wanting more. Taking the Horizon made me laugh and cry. I loved every word written.
Please go and support and encourage all of these beautiful ladies by reading and reviewing.
See you next update!