(As a reminder the songs referenced here were Try Everything by Shakira and Anyone by Justin Bieber both were written long after 2005)

ESME's Journal re:Bella

Saturday March 12

It's been two days now. Carlisle asked Jasper and Emmett to take Edward hunting that first night. Edward was absolutely wrecked. She very nearly died. She's been moved to the ICU. He can't visit anymore. Bella would need to be conscious to give permission plus the parental permission required.

She was sweet with me. I wonder how much she really understands what we are. Edward insists she understands.

She was so grouchy with Carlisle. She never mistook him for a Christmas elf. Carlisle was amazed by how carefully she tried to protect Edward's from the confused and feverish vegetarian dilemma to the funny scolding 'snitches get stitches.' He secretly loved that Bella stood up to him on Edward's behalf.

As much fun as everyone had laughing at Carlisle's expense, he's confessed the hand warmers have improved his patient interactions immensely. His patients are a lot more comfortable with him. He bought out most of the stock at the Newton's Camp Store and has been using them constantly at the hospital.

Carlisle thinks the Christmas silliness was a calm safe place for her mind to take refuge while she was ill after a very stressful time. She's apparently not seen her father Charlie Swan for nearly a decade and suddenly she's living with him in a foreign environment away from everyone she knows. She was almost hit by a car only two weeks ago and then to be attacked by that horrible man in Port Angeles? Apparently he was a serial killer and a rapist. I don't know how much learning about vampires adds to all of that.

Edward says she seems to feel safe with him, that she likes holding his hand. The smile on Edward's face when he admitted that to me was precious.

He said that she seems happiest when her quirky sassy side escapes a little. He thinks she's funny. He likes when she scolds him for getting down on himself. He told me she gets snarky with him sometimes and admitted that usually when she's snarky he's said something insulting and didn't even realise it. She apparently loves Vivaldi and is passionate about music but for some reason she hides that side of herself most of the time. She apparently used to watch the band kids all the time but she doesn't anymore. He thinks she's really enjoyed getting to know her father. I've never heard him talk so long and so passionately about anyone or anything.

Rosalie thinks it will probably be better if she dies. I know Jasper used to think the same but Alice wants Bella as a friend. She insists Bella belongs with us.

I've been trying to convince Edward to try playing the song scores she gave him. He sat at his piano all night last night with the papers clenched in his hands without even looking at them.

Sunday March 13

Alice lost patience with Edward this morning. She snatched the scores away from him and looked over the music.

I remember the line from the first song "I won't give up, No I won't give in" It's a song about perseverance and hope. Edward had to fix a lot of the chording but having a project to work on seemed to help take his mind off things. She said piano wasn't her specialty so she must play violin. The songs are scored in two parts: piano and violin, with the vocals roughed in.

Edward doesn't think she knows he plays piano; he thinks she just knows he likes music but that it's almost traditional for violins to play with piano accompaniment. He thinks maybe she was going to play for him. He's not sure. He's never seen her play violin. It's all theory.

Edward tried to look up the artists she mentioned so the score corrections would be as true to the original works as possible but he couldn't find anything about either of them.

He hasn't started working on the second score yet. Edward says it's a mess. Her fever was probably too high for coherency when she was working on it. It's a love song but a lot of the lyrics are illegible scribbling that trails off as if she was falling asleep. He read what he could of it then with sad eyes put it aside.

I looked at it on my own later. It started beautifully. I liked the start,

"Dance with me under the diamonds

See me like breath in the cold"

There was one mostly intact part that filled my eyes with venom given the context of what's happening.

"Forever's not enough time to love you the way that I want

'Cause every morning I find you I fear the day that I don't.

You say that I won't lose you but you can't predict the future

'Cause certain things are out of our control"

After reading the score Edward asked Alice outright if Bella would be okay. Alice quoted a percent chance which was not the reassurance he was looking for.

It thundered this evening and normally we'd be off playing baseball but neither Edward nor Alice were in the mood. The two got into a yelling match about the Christmas elf thing. It's important to Edward that Bella knows he's a vampire and isn't scared of him so the Christmas elf silliness was hard for him. Alice was trying to be friendly, decorating the medical equipment so the room was more cheerful and bantering about elves.

When Alice, hurt and angry, yelled, "She made you a Christmas gift! You owe her one too spoil sport!" Edward went quiet.

I tried to explain that Bella had only decorated the medical equipment to try and cheer him up because she'd understood he was upset and sad but was too sick to process why.

Sometime after midnight the two of them started recording Christmas songs for Bella. It's not the most cheerful Christmas CD ever but it's peaceful and sweet.

Tuesday March 15

It has been five days. At around four in the afternoon, Carlisle called home to tell us she was ready to be taken off the ventilator. Emmett whooped and grabbed Edward, with a cheerful, "Come on dude you're going hunting so you'll be fit to see your girl!"

Even Rosalie, who's horrified at Edward dating a human, has thawed a bit and was happy for him. She's not sure about Bella but she doesn't want Edward to be miserable.

Carlisle did warn that according to the hospital rules Edward still wouldn't be allowed to see her as long as she was in the ICU unless Chief Swan gave special permission and the Chief would need to be there.

"It's okay as long as she's going to be okay," Edward answered. Emmett was giving him head noogies and Edward just laughed and grinned. Jasper looked relaxed. He'd been looking tense and hovering near Edward since Isabella got sick.

Carlisle reported back that Charlie was happy to give Edward permission to visit Bella but he was laying down the law to make sure Edward didn't keep his visits too long so his daughter would have the quiet she needed to rest and get better.

I went with Edward to the hospital to help him self regulate under the strict visiting policies. Vampires are not good at sharing. In fact, one might say we are terrible at it. Vampires will kill over territories. We will kill over food even in times of plenty. Edward, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie behave like toddlers if anyone touches their vehicles. The house is my space. I've certainly snapped at my family inhumanly, countless times when they were careless with it causing damage or just insufferable messes. When it comes to those we care about we are even more inflexible and territorial. He wasn't going to want to listen when it was time to leave this first time.

I was a little surprised Bella's mother wasn't there. I don't think you could have kept me away if you told me there was a fifty percent chance my daughter would never wake up.

I watched through the window as Edward got his chance to visit. Her hospital monitor was still decorated like a Christmas tree. Chief Swan explained happily that Bella said it looked cheerful adding with relief that she was fully lucid and not seeing Christmas around every corner anymore.

Edward was pleased not to be a Christmas elf anymore and thoroughly enjoyed gently teasing her about the entire Christmas thing. He brought the CD he'd made and they laughed together about it. She blushed so sweetly for him.

"You only have yourself to blame Edward," she whispered in embarrassed mortification. "You and your mom both smell like Christmas cookies. You smell like Nana's shortbread, it's a little like honey and maybe something floral. Your mom smells like gingerbread. I'm not even kidding."

"What does Carlisle smell like?" he teased.

"How about I not sniff your dad and we change the subject!" she objected.

It was dear, watching Edward courting Bella as I waited on the other side of the ICU window. It was clear he wanted her only for himself right then; far from the prying eyes of nurses, doctors, me. She only managed about a half hour before her eyes dropped to half mast and the strength left her. Her heartbeat slowed, her body relaxed and gave into sleep.

He frowned at me fiercely when I leaned in and reminded him it was time to go. "Her father only gave you permission to visit provided you'd leave her to sleep." I reminded him.

The situation brought back memories of my little human son. Loving someone when they are in such a fragile state is terrifying. I don't know if Bella understands how he feels about her but it's clear he cares deeply. I'm sure it's too soon for her to return his feelings but vampires process a lot faster compared to humans. He'll have to be patient. Waiting a season, or year for her to explore her feelings and learn herself is but a moment in the face of eternity.

When we were all home again after his shift, Carlisle took the time to explain to Edward what to expect from Bella's recovery. He said it would likely be a month, maybe two before she was well again. It was likely she'd lose the school term.

"So she probably won't be in my grade anymore, nor in the same grade as any of her friends?" Edward stated, frowning.

Carlisle sighed. If I had to guess I suspect he was thinking be thankful she pulled through which is a hard thought to hear.

"That's not fair," Edward protested. "Even if her grades drop a little I can help her at least pass. She's smart." Edward was clearly planning ways to keep Bella in his grade.

My eyes met Carlisle's and we shared a little smile. This one small human girl had shaken Edward's world to its core. Gone was the despondent disillusioned young man who most of the time didn't seem to engage in life. Edward spent much of the rest of the night scheming to think of ways to keep Bella from losing her year.

Wednesday March 16

Edward went on his own after school to visit her. I called to check on him when the visit seemed to drag on extra long. "I haven't actually gotten in to see her yet, Esme. She was with the respiratory therapist. It was horrible. He kept doing things to make her cough and cough until she was crying and I could hear her heart pounding frantically with the exertion. When she was done with the therapist she passed out exhausted. I finished my homework and I'm just waiting." He put down the phone for a moment to talk to Chief Swan. "Actually Bella's dad said I could wait in her room as long as I was quiet. I'll catch up later. Bye."

At around seven when visiting hours were almost over Edward came barrelling in the door, ran up to his room and slammed the door. I didn't hear his car. I think he ran home.

"What happened?" Emmett called. "You didn't bite her did you?"

"No!"

We couldn't get anything else out of him.

"I don't know what happened," mentioned Jasper. "But he's devastated."

"She's fine," Alice reassured momentarily. "Although she is crying."

I tried to call Carlisle but he was in surgery and this didn't seem quite dire enough to interrupt him. Despite Edward's melodramatics if anything truly serious had happened Alice would have seen it whatever it was before it happened.

Half an hour later there was a knock on the door. Alice said "oh…" and gathered Emmett, Rose, and Jasper to go for a walk. "Esme, it's Chief Swan. He needs to talk to Edward."

I made a pot of coffee and Chief Swan, who insisted I call him Charlie, sat down in the living room with myself and a reluctant Edward because he said we needed to talk. Charlie looked so tired.

"Edward…" spoke Charlie pausing to gather his thoughts. "What happened wasn't about you. Do you understand that?"

Edward refused to make eye contact.

"Not long ago she was attacked in the dark by a group of men who herded her into an isolated area grabbing at her, pushing at her, looming over her until she broke free and ran down to the pier where one of them tried to overpower her with the intent to rape and murder her. Instead, when he was trying to push her down she slipped off the end of the pier into the bay and nearly drowned. You turned off the Christmas lights."

"She had a horrible afternoon. I wanted her to be able to sleep," Edward mumbled.

"And so when she woke, you were just a dark figure hovering over her while she lay helpless. She couldn't see it was you so she panicked," Charlie prompted. "It's not even the first time someone's spooked her, Edward. It'll take a little while before she feels safe again. Next time and I hope there is a next time because you've been a good friend to her, next time leave the Christmas lights on. No one's mad. No one thinks you did anything wrong."

Charlie thanked me for the coffee then left. He's a good man. He didn't have to go out of his way to make sure Edward was alright.

"Oh Edward," was all I could say. He's dealt with Rosalie who to this day can still be triggered by the horrors of how she died, he's seen me at my worst when the trauma of years of spousal abuse from my first husband left me an absolute mess. I'm sure reminder of what had happened to Bella was horrible. I pulled him into a hug.

"It's not about me being a vampire. She really couldn't see? The room wasn't that dark, at least not to me. I didn't mean to hover over her. I just wanted to make sure she was okay because the crackles and rales in her breathing sounded worse. It's from the fluid buildup by pneumonia. The Christmas themed night light would have made everything fine?" He asked, sounding incredulous but vulnerable.

I hugged him again. Two medical degrees, over a hundred years old and he'd never dealt with these types of feelings before. "Let me drive you into town and you can pick up your car sweetheart."

"Alice said Bella was crying. I need to talk to her but visiting hours are over and the hospital is so strict."

"Charlie wouldn't have driven all the way out here to talk to you if he didn't want you to have a chance to make this right. Just this once we'll call Carlisle and see if he can't pull a few strings so you can talk to her. He should be out of surgery now."

Edward nodded.

Carlisle was due to be off shift shortly so we'd have to hurry.

The hospital was fairly quiet when we got there. Edward checked in with the nurses and was told he had five minutes. Looking for it, I know we both saw the post it note behind the desk next to Bella's room number. "PTSD watch, Christmas lights to be left on. Telegraphed approach only."

"Hi," Edward called quietly from her doorway.

"I'm so sorry Edward. You caught me off guard. I didn't mean to scare you."

Edward chuckled a little self-deprecatingly. "You didn't mean to scare me? I'm the one that needs to apologize."

"Nah, I get it. You just really hate Christmas," she teased gently. I don't think Bella likes hearing that tone from Edward. I know I don't.

"I won't turn the Christmas lights off again," Edward promised with a tentative smile.

"Come here," she called gently.

He inched his way into the room and over to her bed. She took his two hands and just held them silently for a while closing her eyes and smiling tentatively. She gave a soft sigh and whispered. "You're okay. I'm alright." It was only for a few moments then she let go. And then, as if now they'd made peace all was right again in her world, she fell asleep. We are predators and she is his most natural food source; his singer but she trustingly fell asleep.

I don't think Edward stood a chance. He was always going to love her. He slipped out of the room and we headed home.

"She is his mate? Even though she's human?" Carlisle asked me later. For all that Carlisle had been caring for her daily he needed to meet her with the lab coat and hospital badge off.

"She's his whole world Carlisle and every time I think he's the one caring for her, she turns things on end, and I find out it's the other way around. You've read the book "The Little Prince?" He's standing in the wheatfield Carlisle."

"Did he really need to be tamed?" asked Carlisle. "He's been an emotional mess this whole time. It's like watching a tornado descend on him. He's coming, he's going, he's tearing himself apart. He's running to Alaska for goodness sake."

I smiled and laughed, "Who's to say that's not exactly what he needed. He's not been happy, Carlisle; not really, not for years, not for decades."

Finally Carlisle gave me a wry smile.

Thursday March 17

Alice complained that Bella desperately needed a spa day after having spent the day with Edward visiting Bella. She also complained Bella smelled like hospital chemicals and that her hair was a greasy disaster.

Carlisle tried to explain that while she's in the ICU her personal care options are restricted as possible allergens, or irritants can be the difference between life and death.

Next Alice complained at Carlisle because even manicures aren't allowed.

Emmett threw his two cent in I believe he said "What do you do, hose 'em down once a week whether they need it or not? Humans get stinky really fast, like one gym class fast."

They were ganging up on Calilse who protested that Bella smelled like hospital chemicals, not B.O. and insisted cleanliness is taken very seriously.

Next Edward was complaining about not being able to give her flowers, not even a balloon and how short the visits were.

Carlisle getting frustrated mentioned "Bella's been calling it the icky-ew, so I suspect she agrees with you." It looked like he was feeling put upon. He's been working extra hours since this started, spending most of his evenings researching the latest techniques and new developments in respiratory care. Someone important to his family was in his care. He is invested. Eventually he just asked "What have I done to upset everyone?"

All I could offer him was that it was a bad day to smell like a hospital as the reporters had everyone on edge since Chief Swan caught that horrible man.

Rose protested that we were getting entirely too wrapped up in the life of this human. She did grant that Edward saving Bella was okay but insisted afterwards he should have kept his mouth shut and kept his distance.

Alice and Edward were excused from school today as we tried to out manoeuvre the reporters that descended. We knew the reporters would be looking for Edward whose part of the story was too interesting to be safe from the media. I needed to be at the house to keep it secure. As the ICU was locked down, it was a good spot for Edward to hide, not to mention it was where he wanted to be. Alice and her predictions was extra security for both Bella and Edward. Alice and Edward spent the majority of the day in the ICU waiting room as they technically weren't allowed in Bella's room without Chief Swan. As Alice predicted they were able to get a few short visits in when staff bent the rules. Carlisle warned them not to bring up the attack even though the worst offender had been arrested. Bella wasn't strong enough for anything stressful.

Rosalie was spitting mad by the end of the day due to the threat to the family represented by this media frenzy.

Alice pulled a sock puppet decorated to look suspiciously like Bella and in an excited kermit the frog voice rather than Bella's tired whisper spoke, "Take a trip up to Reykjavik. You can see magical ice caves and the northern lights are supposed to be spectacular and there's whale watching and there are no reporters to chase you. Edward wants to get me flowers or balloons but the ICU is freezing and my feet are cold and when I asked Charlie to buy me socks, he got me men's athletic socks. Do you know the only things a girl ever wants to have to do with men's athletic socks? The answer is sock puppets. I bet they sell warm stylish socks in Reykjavik. He can send me the nicest pair of socks Iceland has to offer. Just go vacation and be safe."

To which Edward protested "Is that what you two were doing while I was on the phone checking in with Esme? Turning all of Bella's warm socks into sock puppets?"

Alice was cheekily proud of the sock puppets.

Jasper and Rosalie were quick to jump on the idea of a retreat.

We're heading out on vacation, not to Reykjavik but Alaska.

Lexi will return in the next chapter when she doesn't spend most of the chapter unconscious and with no idea what's going on.