I'd Be Safe and Warm

For a moment I consider going out again, maybe meeting the man from yesterday. But I immediately put the idea out of my head. I can't get myself a nice night. Not after everything that happened. Not when Katniss and Peeta have to go to the arena tomorrow. I hate crying. I hate feeling so incredibly weak, but I can't stop my tears. And a small part of my mind wants me to realize that I don't deserve anything else. After all, they're here because of me. Just because of me.

Instead of hiding myself away in my room, I sit at the bar. Not a good idea. It really isn't, but I want to forget. The Avox gives me neither a curious nor a pitying look. In a way I am grateful to him for that. He just hands me the glass with the blue liquid. Whatever it is

"If I'm being honest, I wouldn't have expected you here," I hear his voice and almost drop the glass in shock. But I don't turn around. The alcohol can't hold back the memories that are suddenly tumbling down on me all at once. They're gonna bury me under them.

With a wave of his hand that I only catch out of the corner of my eye, Haymitch dismisses the Avox. He sits down on the bar stool next to me and takes the glass from my fingers. He empties it in one go and puts it back on the counter. "That stuff isn't for you."

"What business is it of yours?" I reply weakly. I don't even have the strength to look at him.

Haymitch grabs my hand. I'm too surprised to pull it away. I really should have pulled it away. "You- I shouldn't have- When it concerns them, then it's my business, too."

Abruptly, I snatch my hand from his and raise my head. "Why now? Until now, you've never been concerned about me." That's not entirely true, a small voice whispers in my head. There was a time when things were different. A time long gone.

"You love them," Haymitch says calmly, slightly smiling. "You love them more than is to be expected for someone from the Capitol. You really care about them. They are important to you. If someone had told me that ten years ago, I wouldn't have believed them." His voice is firm, as if he's sure he's talking about facts.

"So what?" I ask and give him an exaggerated smile. At the same moment, tears run down my cheeks. I want him to stop. "I've always cared for my tributes, and you know that better than anyone else. It doesn't matter now anyway, does it? There's nothing we can do for them and if one of them does get out, they won't be able to live with us anymore. Do you know why? Because everything will remind them of their partner. We will remind them. District Twelve. The Victor's Village. They will return broken, unable to recover. Incapable because a part of them is dead. Dead. You can't bring a dead body to life, you can only learn to live with the emptiness. The past is gone, but it always catches up, Haymitch." My bottom lip is trembling and I clench my mouth to keep the pain from taking over. I stand up slowly and rub my face. The past is gone, but it always catches up. This doesn't only apply to the two of them. The two of us have always been bad at this game, too.

Before I can flee the room, Haymitch grabs my arm and turns me to face him. His face is closer than I expected and his gray eyes almost bore into mine. But they are soft and gentle. A somber smile graces his lips. For a moment I think he's going to kiss me. Luckily, he doesn't.

I don't know what's wrong with me. The whole situation today overwhelms me. I've been repressing my feelings so much that they're overpowering me now. I would like to sleep just to forget. But sleeping would only bring me new fears. I just stand there, torn by my own thoughts. Far away I hear Haymitch mumbling something, but I don't hear the words.

Haymitch raises his hand and gently wipes the tears from my cheek. He takes a step closer, bridging the last gap between us and a moment later I'm lying in his arms. My heart skips a beat and my body freezes. Haymitch has his arms wrapped tightly around my back and rests his chin on my forehead, as much as possible with the wig. I wonder if he's comforting me, or I'm comforting him. He never talks about his feelings, but I know the kids have put a lot on him. They turned him into a completely different person. Like me.

As I wrap my arms around his middle, my heart begins to race. I press my face against his chest so he can't see the blush rising in my cheeks. This is quickly becoming a routine, but it does me good. All I want is for Haymitch to hold me and he does. He doesn't talk, doesn't ask me anything and I'm grateful for that. His presence is enough to calm me. We'll get through this together. But not even he can completely distract me from my problems. I think of Katniss and of Peeta and of Cinna. Will we ever see any of them again? Not even Haymitch can hold back the demons.

Suddenly, a crash echoes through the entire floor. We flinch and his grip tightens. Footsteps and laughter follow and in the next instant Haymitch's arms are gone and a gust of wind rushes past my ears. Haymitch has his back to me and is facing the bar. Not a moment later, Chaff bursts through the door, closely followed by Finnick and Johanna Mason.

Haymitch glances over his shoulder at Chaff. "We thought we could toast our deaths," he says serenely and grins.

Finnick comes up to me and greets me with a big smile and Johanna just leans in the door. "You said this would be a Capitol-free zone." Her tone is sharp as ever and her irritating eyes linger on me.

"Effie is one of us," Finnick says firmly, pulling me in with an arm around my shoulders. "Don't be so mean." But he smiles while calling her out. Johanna shrugs and throws herself into my chair.

"I was surprised you guys didn't show up sooner," Haymitch sneers and turns, tossing his glass in Chaff 's direction.

Chaff is already behind the counter, fishing bottles of different drinks out of the cupboards, but catching the glass with ease. "Now my shirt's wet" he states and looks at the blue dots on his white shirt. "Thanks."

Finnick leads me to the sofa, one arm still around my shoulders, and we collapse onto the cushions, sighing. Over Johanna's head we watch Chaff, who looks quite content. "But your collection here is truly enriching!" He glances at us and waggles his eyebrows with a smirk. Haymitch grabs a bottle of wine and takes his usual seat. He takes a big gulp. "Well, well, regarding our fate, it's safe to say that most of us will be dead by the end of next week," says Chaff, laughing hoarsely before stretching out on the second sofa. "Except for Finnick, of course."

Finnick's body trembles next to me and his grin widens. "Of course, I have to go back to my Effie after all."

I laugh and playfully nudge him with my forehead. "How noble of you, Mr. Odair." It's easy to relax with Finnick around. His youth makes me feel like I'm back in college and let's me forget the manners and rules for once in a while. He has that effect on people.

"You don't have to act like I don't mean anything to you," Finnick says and smiles at everyone. Chaff hands him a glass of liquor across the table, careful not to meet his eyes. Even Johanna can't help but smile.

Before Chaff can hand me a glass, Finnick raises his hand. "Thank you very much, but one glass will do the job," he determines and nods gratefully, but amusement sparkles in his eyes. Then he raises the glass to his lips, takes a sip and passes it to me.

I give him a mock-serious look, take the glass and nod my thanks before drinking myself. His mouth twists as I swallow. The alcohol burns like fire. I let out an unladylike sound and start coughing. Tears well up in my eyes and I have to wave a hand in front of my face to wipe them away. The victors burst out laughing.

"What's the matter, love? Is something wrong?" Finnick's huge green eyes shoot me an innocent look.

I playfully punch him in the side before handing the glass back to him. "Idiot," I mumble, loud enough for everyone to hear. Their laughter gets noisy, and I can't contain myself. My mouth twitches and I giggle, shaking my head. Most of the time, the victors are enjoyable companions. Over the years, I managed to build a halfway positive relationship with most of Haymitch's friends. But especially with Finnick. We just get along and in opposite to the others, he was never wary or repellent, not even in the beginning.

We take turns with the glass and after a few sips it's not that bad anymore, but one glass is enough to make me a little foggy. I reach for it and Finnick hands it to me without a word. I give him a resigned look because the glass is empty. He just charmingly smiles back and keeps playing the game.

Smiling, I make myself a little more comfortable and press my back against his side so I can rest my head on his shoulder. I meet Haymitch's gaze. The wine bottle is dangling from his hand, and he is leaning forward a little, his eyes narrowed at me. I don't know if he notices my look right away, because when our eyes meet, the dissatisfied expression disappears from his. I raise an eyebrow but he pretends he didn't see. Whatever.

"And what if he doesn't come back after all?" Johanna sneers and fixes Finnick with a mocking look.

Puzzled, he sits up and puts a hand to his chest. "Me?" He points to himself and widens his eyes in shock. Then he turns to me with a serious face, his lips pressed together almost desperately. "May God save me from this fate. I would never leave you, Effie Trinket, love of my life." I bite my lip to keep from laughing as he cups my face in his hands and approaches. "I'll come back for you, whatever the cost."

Only his eyes sparkle mischievously and I lean in a little closer towards him, raising my hand and affectionately running it through his hair. "I know." I see Finnick's lips trembling, fighting to contain his laughter. We both can barely keep up with our act.

Chaff's crazy laugh ends our little fuss, and he claps his hands. "Let's forget those two," he says, pointing to the bedrooms. "Here we have our new star-crossed lovers!"

Johanna snorts and throws her pillow in Chaff's direction in disgust. He playfully catches it and throws it at us. Finnick throws himself in front of me in an exaggerated gesture to catch the pillow, opening his mouth as if about to scream. My giggles are drowned out by Chaff's laughter.

"Leave Trinket alone, Odair," Haymitch suddenly says. I give him a surprised look out of the corner of my eye. He glares at Finnick over my shoulder and grittes his teeth.

For a moment there is silence. Haymitch avoids my gaze and keeps staring at Finnick. Then Chaff can't hold on and snorts. Louder than I've ever heard him. He laughs so hard that he slaps his thighs and puts the bottle on the table to stop the alcohol from spilling out.

"Someone seems to be a little too attached," Johanna immediately mocks, smiling and shaking her head, grossed out.

Haymitch just ignores them all and keeps glaring at Finnick. Finnick only smiles provocatively, takes my face in his hands again and pulls me closer to him. Our lips almost touch, but I know he's just fooling around with Haymitch, as are the other victors.

"Don't tease him if you want to arrive in one piece at the arena tomorrow," Chaff says amused, adding, "You'd have a better chance of coming back then." He winks at me.

I gently pat Finnick's cheek but move away from him a little while giving him a smile. "I'll wait for you forever, love, and if you don't come back, then I will follow you ..."

"She's always been a drama queen," says Johanna in a pointed tone, raising her eyebrows at Haymitch. "There you have it."

"Oh, I think he's already blushing with anger, we'd better postpone this until later. My room is always open for you", Finnick interjects and runs his fingers through his hair.

"Enough now," I hiss, softly clapping his arm. Haymitch seems to relax a bit when Finnick takes his hands away, though the boy's grin doesn't fade. He still avoids my eyes.

"I can't believe it's all over now," Finnick suddenly bursts out. The other victors look up and eye him suspiciously. "I mean ... all these years we've done nothing but play mentors and ... enjoy our lives as much as we could."

Johanna lets out a gruesome laugh. "It was all just Capitol crap. You might have enjoyed it because you were their favorite from the start." She sits up and stares Finnick straight in the eyes. Blind rage sparkles in hers. "We've always been slaves; they made that clear to us from the start." As she speaks, her gaze shifts to me.

"Maybe you should have just behaved yourself," Finnick replies harshly.

"You of all people have to say that. You behaved well and they still screwed you up. Why should I have respect for the people who put me in an arena to die? They had it coming to them-" She stops mid-sentence, her eyes boring into mine. But I hold her gaze.

I follow their discussion in silence, as does Haymitch, who is leaning wearily in his chair. However, none of us seem to really want to get involved.

"You know what, Finnick?" Johanna says at some point. "I'm damn lucky to be able to get back in there because life isn't any better at home either." She angrily fiddles with the glass in her hand and a strand of red hair falls across her face, but she doesn't bother to move it. She doesn't have to say any more because we all know what happened to her family. The official reason was a terrible accident, but now I'm not so sure. "I'm just so sick of playing by Snow's rules," she hisses lividly. I expect a warning look from Haymitch, like he always does when she slips or goes too far, but he doesn't do anything. He just stares at her with no emotion on his face.

"The alliance will not last forever," Haymitch finally says. "As soon as it starts, they will attack you." I don't understand what he's talking about.

"Of course," Chaff scoffs, raising his eyebrows. "Cashmere and Gloss will not go down without a fight." The Careers. Of course, I had completely forgotten about them.

"Their act was so despicable; how can these people be so stupid?" Johanna snorts with a condescending smile on her lips.

"Hopeless cases," Haymitch murmurs. "You know who they are. People who make bets on the lives of children."

Suddenly Johanna starts to laugh. It sounds terrible. "We could fight as much as we want, they will not choose us as victors either way. We're too much of a threat to them for that. They need someone they can control." She nods in Finnick's direction.

Finnick only shrugs his shoulders. "We will see."

"Stop it, nobody cares anyway," Chaff slurs and takes another sip from the bottle before trying to pass it on to Johanna and completely ruining his t-shirt in doing so. "Have a drink, Johanna, would do you good."

"Shut up," she replies, dropping back into the chair. Instead of putting the pillows aside earlier, she sat on them so they're completely flat now.

"Oh, come on guys," sighs Finnick and suddenly an amused smile creeps onto his face. "If you had the chance to do one more thing before you have to go to the arena, what would you do?"

Chaff laughs. "Pay Snow a visit and make him drink with us."

Haymitch chuckles at the thought. "Get drunk one last time, probably." Typical Haymitch.

Finnick gives Johanna an expectant look. She shrugs her shoulders slightly and sighs in annoyance. "Slam my ax in the head of as many Capitols as I can." My gaze is fixed on her, and she returns it smugly. Even the others look at her. I purse my lips angrily so as not to throw some stupid argument at her, knowing it wouldn't get anywhere with her anyway. Johanna resembles Haymitch in many ways. Both are incredibly stubborn and wouldn't change their point of view for anything in the world. Even if they're wrong about it. Simply because they are stubborn and proud and hate giving in.

"Wow, you guys are so inspiring," Finnick sneers, shaking his head. "I'm sitting here with a really compelling group of pessimists; how could it get so far?"

"Maybe we're just realists, while you're ... a hopeless case of an idealist," counters Johanna, kicking off her shoes to settle into my chair.

"I would go to the beach," he says. His eyes are set in the distance. "Have a nice day with Annie."

One can literally feel the mood in the room changing. Haymitch's eyes flash and he looks away, as if afraid we might read the memories in his eyes. He was probably the worst hit of the three. Lost mother and brother in the flames, only to witness the execution of his girl who had crept out of the district after dark. Officially.

Finnick quickly realizes that he said something wrong because he suddenly turns to me. "And what would you do, Effie?" His green eyes shine sadly.

Johanna lets out a snort. "You can't be serious, Finnick."

Without caring for her words for even a moment, he nods to me. I can almost feel Haymitch's eyes on me. "I don't know ... I-" Yes? What would I do? "Go up to the room to watch the city one last time, I guess." Stupid answer. Chaff snorts and I give him an irritated look. Finnick bobs his head, probably an improvised nod, and then leans back against the sofa. Embarrassed, I turn my gaze to the table and play with the hem of my dress.

They take up a new topic, but I hardly listen. It's weird knowing they have to go back to the arena tomorrow. I can't follow their exhilaration now that only one of them will return alive. That I'll never see them again And suddenly I realize that Katniss and Peeta aren't the only ones I'm worried about. They're not bad people, their past just made them who they are today.

Chaff, Haymitch's best friend, who always loved watching Haymitch and my fights. Who always had a funny comment on his lips and who liked to tease me just because he found it amusing. Although our start was rather rough. Or Finnick, who has become a very close friend over the years. A man you can always have fun with because he tries to look positively into the future. I glance at Johanna out of the corner of my eye. I feel sorry even for her, she, who never had a thing for me but ridicule. Even she didn't deserve this fate. Nobody deserves this fate.

"I think we've exhausted ourselves enough for today," Finnick sums it up at some point. The others nod absently. They know what's coming now. Their eyes are set far into the distance, absent. They're probably reminiscing about old things. Yes, they grew into a group. Over the years they have become friends. Family even.

Chaff rises with a groan. The others do the same. It's almost strange how we silently accompany them to the elevators. They trot before us like crestfallen animals, broken and hopeless with their heads hanging.

Haymitch pulls Chaff into a brotherly hug, and it feels so intimate to me that I quickly turn to Finnick and almost throw my arms around his neck. He rubs my back soothingly. "Take care, Effie," I hear him say. Then he lowers his voice so only I can hear him. "And take care of him."

I lean back to look into his eyes. I feel the tears looming and nod quickly. "I will."

"Good," Finnick says, bobbing his head back and forth again. "And once we're in the arena, remember that it's nothing more than a show, do you understand me?" His green eyes bore into mine with such an intensity that I can't help but nod silently, like a little child. His gaze softens and he strokes my cheek once. "I'm really beyond grateful for everything you've done for me, Effie. Never forget that."

Finnick steps away from me and I take a moment to gather my thoughts before I can glance at Haymitch. He is quietly talking to Johanna. I'll take the chance to say goodbye to Chaff. "Chaff."

I gasp in shock as he wraps me in a totally unexpected hug. "Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid," he whispers, and his arms are gone again. He grins mischievously down at me. "You really aren't a bad person, Trinket. Don't let them turn your head." I nod and press my lips together seriously. I know he appreciated me more than the other escorts here. His words are enough.

Johanna and I skeptically eye each other for a moment before she lets out a hysterical laugh. "I'm definitely not going to hug you."

I can't help but smile. "I didn't expect anything less."

"Seriously, I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but for some reason I can't understand, he seems to like you," she says reluctantly. Haymitch gives her an indefinable look. "But it seems like you're part of the team now, whether I like it or not." She sighs and shrugs.

My smile turns to radiance because Johanna Mason will probably never really like me, but it's safe to say she doesn't hate me anymore. And that's enough. When she sees the look on my face, she staggers dazedly to the elevator. "That doesn't mean I'm okay with it." But I understood what she was saying.

Chaff follows Johanna, only Finnick stands with Haymitch for a second before turning his back on us as well. As he stands in the elevator, he turns to us one last time and waves.

This is the moment that breaks my heart. The moment when I finally understand. The tears sting my eyes, but they couldn't change anything either. I saw them leave after they finally somehow got back to their lives. Only to have to give them up one more time. Every year they grew a little closer together. Haymitch has known Chaff for twenty-five years. He is his first friend he made after his Hunger Games. Nobody knows Haymitch better than Chaff. There is nothing worse ...

I don't know how long I stand in front of the elevators. When I wake up from my rigid state, my arms are hanging limp along my body. I look around for Haymitch, but he's long gone. Even if you know it's coming, you're never prepared for how it feels.

oOo

At the usual time, I knock on Haymitch's door to wake him up. Katniss and Peeta are long gone. Cinna and Portia picked them up at dawn. The thought makes me queasy, but I mustn't think about it that way. After all, the Hunger Games begin today. The Jubilee. I must be happy.

As I walk down the hall alone, I practice my smile for later, when all the cameras will be on us. It's weird training your own smile. At some point I pull it into the ridiculous, clench my teeth and tear the corners of my mouth apart. As I walk past a mirror and glimpse my face, I almost burst out laughing. At least I can still cheer myself up. With many years of practice, holding back thoughts you don't want to think about almost becomes child's play. You just act like you forgot about them. Until you really forgot about them.

I'm already fully dressed. The dress consists of two layers. The lower one is made of white silk, embroidered with small details at the lower end and is quite voluminous in width, but only goes up to the knees. There's a heavy golden fabric that pulls away there, which reminds me a bit of Cinna's feather dress for Katniss because it's also multi-faceted, emphasizing my hips. The fabric stretches up to my neck where it has been cut forward and forms stiff from my ears down to my chest. It's a true masterpiece! Only I can hardly move my head to the side because the fabric is so heavy.

Breakfast today is rather poor because we don't have much time to lose. As soon as we're done, we'll be driven to the sponsors' lounge. Into the true heart of the Hunger Games. Haymitch doesn't show up. I think he needs his time after the goodbyes. After all, they were his family. And now he's being forced to watch his family being executed again.

After breakfast, I reapply my make-up appropriately before heading to Haymitch's door to get him. Time is pressing and he still hasn't shown up. "Haymitch?" I call out, knocking carefully so he doesn't completely freak out if he sleeps off his hangover. It reminds me a bit of before Katniss and Peeta.

But fortunately, judging by the noise, that's not the case again today. A moment later he sticks his head out to me. He does look tired, but he's already dressed. I sigh with relief. "We have to go," I say firmly, stepping back to get a better look at him. He's wearing a dark blue suit, a little plain but it suits him. His blond hair is neatly combed.

Haymitch's gaze lingers on my dress, and I just wait. "Could you be even more inconspicuous?" he asks and smiles mischievously before he gets out and closes the door behind him.

"Excuse me?" My voice goes up two octaves and I glare at him. "The dress is more expensive than all your belongings, a little more respect please!" Without wasting another word, I turn on my heel and motion him with a harsh hand to follow me.

As we walk down the halls, I hear him laughing behind me. He doesn't even bother to hide it. "It wasn't meant that way," he says and I turn to him when we reach the elevators. Haymitch looks amused and I hate that. I fold my arms across my chest and wait. Either for the elevator to come or for him to start talking. I'm not quite sure yet.

The elevator is a long time in the coming. "I'm just saying it's not as flashy as usual. Where's that bright pink, or those huge flowers covering half your face?" Haymitch narrows his eyes, leans against the railing, and surveys me casually.

I look down at myself and then shrug slightly. He's right that it doesn't really stand out compared to what I usually wear, but ... what does it matter to him? He doesn't know anything about fashion anyway. "It's called a ruffle and not a flower," I snap at him instead, more rudely than I had originally intended.

"You know what I mean," he simply replies and then gets into the elevator, which is arriving at that moment. I follow him with a sigh, because he's right. Of course I know what he means. I still like the dress and I don't care about his opinion.

The stillness quickly turns into an awkward silence and I'm more than happy to climb into the black limousine that will take us to the sponsors' lounge. The driver's area is separated from us, only a small window allows you to speak to the driver.

I'm already belted up when Haymitch gets in the car and almost hits his head. I have to press my lips together to keep a grin from creeping onto my face. He bumps his head every year. And every year he comments on it with an annoyed curse. Seeing the look on my face, he can probably guess what's going through my mind because he grins slightly and then slumps down in the seat.

"A little bigger than your car," he remarks, stretching his legs on the seats across from us and ready to grab the wine they always storage in these kinds of cars. There is enough space in limousines for this.

I slap him gently on the back of his hand. "No alcohol." It sounds more like a request than an order.

"Yes ma'am." He salutes and his face turns serious. I shake my head, trying not to smile. Actually, I don't want to laugh in his presence.

"You better fasten your seatbelt, or-" At that moment the car starts to move and Haymitch, who's been facing me, is pushed roughly into the seat. I just look at him and smile contentedly to myself. It certainly won't hurt him. Haymitch mumbles something and, once properly seated, fastens his seatbelt in silence.

As we drive, we stare out the tinted windows, lost in thought. It's incredibly busy outside. People make final preparations, quickly shop for forgotten items, or drive to family and friends to see the start of the Jubilee together.

At this moment, the sponsors' lounge appears directly in front of us. It seems as if the entire horizon lights up at once. In vain, my eyes try to take in and memorize every detail, but I feel like one pair of eyes isn't enough.

The building was specially erected in honor of the Jubilee and consists of two interlocking pillars that stretch towards the sky in several turns. I don't know how the architects and engineers managed it, but the entire skyscraper seems to reflect the sunlight so much that it looks like a peculiar star about to collide with the earth. And depending on the viewing angle, the windows shimmer in different colors. It's amazing.

"Impressed?" Haymitch asks, hearing my sigh of surprise. His eyes are fixed on the building, as are mine. None of us dare look away, as if otherwise we're missing out on something incredibly important.

"It's unbelievably ... beautiful," I try to put it into words, even if I don't really succeed.

I see him nod out of the corner of my eye. "Unbelievable. But not beautiful," he says firmly and finally tears himself away from the sight. "It's just another symbol meant to show the difference between the Capitol and the Districts."

"Excuse me?" I snap, almost annoyed, but without looking away while we drive onto the site.

Haymitch shrugs grimly. "It's just another symbol that they are the powerful ones, that they have the power to create things like that."

I click my tongue in anger and shake my head indignantly. "Is it just that you naturally despise anything that comes out of the Capitol?" I turn for a second and stare into his eyes. I don't know what he sees in my eyes, but suddenly he's the one looking away. Bitterness rises in me. He still thinks less of me.

Haymitch's mouth opens as if to say something and at that moment the door on my side opens and the driver holds out his hand. Before he can even say anything, I get out and step into a storm of flashlights.

What do you think? Please leave me a comment! By the way, is there a way to answer to your comments? I don't know how to do it and on other platforms, I usually do. But I have no clue how to do it here. :/