For What You've Done

The room is long but there are no more than two iron tables stretching to the end of the room. You can walk between them in a central aisle. There are rows of plastic sheets on the tables, all of which hide the view of something underneath. The sheets have different sizes, but the shape always remains the same. Maybe shoulder width, but elongated. I've seen this form often enough in my years as an escort. I can feel my hands starting to tremble.

Adrian enters the room and waves me after him. I follow him like in a trance, my eyes fixed on the sheets. I can hear him talking from afar, but the blood in my ears is pounding too loudly.

We walk a good distance until he finally stops in front of a smaller sheet. It is marked with my name. My heart takes a leap and suddenly won't stop beating faster and faster. I think of the rat, although my brain already knows which farm animal my meal was about.

"Nothing special," says Adrian and pulls back the sheet. "Would have starved to death sooner or later under these living conditions anyway."

But Adrian misjudged me. He wanted to see the weakness in my eyes when I break down. He wanted to see me cry. He wanted to see me sink in guilt. But he made a mistake, for human's natural response to fear is flight or defense.

Adrian doesn't see it coming when I jump at his throat the next moment. He doesn't even get a chance to scream as I elbow him in the throat as I force him to the ground.

I force myself not to cry out in anger, which would certainly have attracted other Peacekeepers. Adrian didn't expect my attack and now he's lying on the ground, wriggling, trying to escape from me. I press my now grown nails into his throat and lean my full weight on his Adam's apple. Under my palms, I feel the scream he wants to let out, but I won't let it.

When he realizes that no one will come to his aid, he panics. His dark eyes are wide with fear and the next moment I feel his hands on my hips, fingers digging into my back and then the pain that makes me flinch.

A groan escapes my lips and the second I loosen my grip on his neck he uses it to wrestle me to the ground. I jump to the side, but he grabs my hair and shoves me against the table with all his might. The back of my head hits the edge and my vision blurs. Everything starts to spin. I put my hands on my head, but it's not bleeding.

Adrian isn't attacking me, I must have really surprised him. I can't see him, but I can hear his panting. Then, as my vision begins to clear, I spot him. He's sitting in the same place as before. He's still trying to catch his breath and I can see the blood trickling down his neck.

He doesn't expect my second attack any more than the first. Some people never learn from mistakes. But this time, he won't be fooled so easily. My puny body is doing all it can to get him back on the ground. I smack him in the face full force and scratch his eyes making him roar in pain. I don't know if anyone heard him, I don't care either because they'll be late. I throw myself at him, one would think I'd want to hug him, but as my head disappears behind his cheek, I bite his ear as hard as I can. I saw it once in the Games where one tribute bit off another's ear.

His hands are immediately on my head trying to pull me off him but to no avail. I have buried my teeth deep into his skin and can already taste the blood on my tongue. I hesitate for a moment, but then I think about everything he's done to me and start to pull my head back. I hold his shoulder with one hand and clamp his mouth shut with the other. He tries to bite my hand but my head snaps back and he screams into my hand. His body has completely cramped.

I spit a tattered part of his ear out in disgust and slam it to the ground as he halfheartedly tries to get up. His fingers dig into my wounds on my back again, but they tremble with pain. I know I'll carry my own pain with me for a long time, but right now I can't give in. So I lean further forward, ignoring the fingers in my flesh trying to destroy as much tissue as possible.

At some point he starts to wheeze and the scratching in my back gets worse. I have to bite my lip until it bleeds, otherwise I can't take the pain.

Adrian is dying a slow and agonizing death and he deserves it. He could have fought me if he had been prepared. But once he was on the ground, he didn't stand a chance. I look him in the eye the whole time and for the first time I can imagine how the tributes must have felt. But you were not condemned to kill.

I've never seen anyone die right before my eyes and even though this is my tormentor, it's horrible. It starts with his hands suddenly going limp and he stops struggling against me. His skin turns completely white and at some point his attempts to gasp for air stop. But the worst thing is the look in his eyes. At the beginning he looked directly at me, but the more motionless he becomes, the more a film seems to be placed on his eyes. His pupils become very small and the sparkle in his eyes disappears.

I know I could let him go, but I don't. I know he's dead and yet I can't tear myself away from him. It takes me a while to realize I just killed someone. The adrenaline drains from my body and my back starts pounding.

I finally roll off of him, but I can't take my eyes away. I can't believe that one moment he was alive and now, just like that, completely still. And it's my fault. I murdered him.

My hands start shaking again and I spit his blood out of my mouth. Where his ear used to be blood still spills onto the clean polished tiles.

He got what he deserved. I don't regret killing him. But just being able to do it makes me realize what this place has made of me.

Without looking at him again, I get up and walk slowly back to the table. The pain in my back is unbearable and with every step I'm afraid I'll faint. When my gaze wanders to the figure on the table, I remember why I freaked out. My legs are shaking even more.

A skinny girl is lying on the table. She's barely over ten and yet she looks more mature, which is probably because she's dead. My eyes travel to her leg, or where her leg should have been. But there is nothing left, except for an untreated stump. They amputated her leg and then let her bleed to death. A switch flipped in me at the sight.

On her hand she wears a bracelet that I only know from patients in hospitals. But it's not her name on it, it's her district. District 12. They starved me and then literally served me the flesh of a child from District 12 on a silver platter.

Not a second later I empty my stomach on the floor. I don't even have to put my finger in my mouth for that. I'd rather starve.

oOo

I sit down in front of the table and wait for someone to find me. They take a surprisingly long time. At some point I must have passed out because I hear their heavy boots running through the warehouse as if in a trance. It takes the last of my strength to open my eyes. My back burns and my chest hurts like someone is sticking a knife into me. He must have broken one or more of my ribs trying to get up.

Looking up I see they are staring at Adrian, who is dead and bleeding out on the floor. They pay no attention to the girl. I'd like to put a bullet in each of their heads.

Actually, I would have expected them to punish me, but they don't. They just lock me in my cell and leave me alone. On the way there I alternate between fainting and consciousness. They know I have internal injuries, but after what I did to one of them, they'll be happy to let me rot in here without a doctor. The pain is driving me insane and I have trouble not crying out. As soon as they leave me in my cell, I pass out again.

Sooo, what do you think after this really intense chapter? Effie's first kill. Was it deserved? Do you feel for her?

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See you next week,

Skyllen :)