Authors Notes- Sorry about the wait guys. This chapter was hard to write. It's pretty heavy but I hope you will all enjoy it.
Song inspirations for this chapter are-
Beloved Freak-Garbage
Somebody Who Cares- Three Days Grace
Chapter 34
The Boy Who Survived
Severus made his way around the kitchen. He'd decided to make dinner tonight. As much as he had enjoyed Potters food, they had a lengthy conversation ahead of them. He wanted to get dinner out of the way, so that they could talk and get some sleep tonight before returning to the castle in the morning.
He glanced at the clock and figured Potter would be home within about fifteen minutes. He had gone over the exam papers again and decided what he specifically wanted to bring up with Potter. He'd felt sick reading over it all again. He was now trying to distract himself a little.
Severus added the last of the seasoning to the spaghetti sauce and turned it down to simmer.
With a sigh he walked to the notes he had on the counter. He had a lengthy list of matters he wished to address with the boy. Most were from his exam but there were a few that had been inspired by his own observations of Potter.
He heard the front door close and folded the papers, placing them in his pocket.
Harry quietly made his way up to the guest room to drop off his bag. He'd been alarmed when he woke up to discover signs that spells had been cast around him. He didn't think he'd somehow done it in his sleep, but the other options were not good. Either Snape had found him or some other Wixen had stumbled across him while he was sleeping.
Harry sighed. He had just wanted to sleep. He didn't understand why everything had to be so complicated. He did feel more rested though. Now he'd have to face Snape. They were supposed to have their conversation tonight. He was trying to keep George's words in his mind.
Snape had seemed genuine with wanting to help him. What a trip that was. If he'd been asked which of his professors would help him with anything, Snape would have been at the bottom of the list. Possibly only surpassed by Umbridge and Filch.
Harry made is way to the bathroom and took care of his business before washing his hands and face. He looked at his reflection in the mirror. He tried to reassure himself that he could do this. It was only Snape, he thought with a sigh.
That was not reassuring.
"I can do this." He whispered to his reflection.
He'd faced Voldemort for Merlin's sake. Talking to Snape shouldn't have his stomach in knots.
He looked at the swirling aura in his scar and felt a mixture of anger and disgust rise in him. He looked away from his reflection and pulled up his wall a little. He could do this. With a sigh he made his way down to the kitchen.
Harry and Snape ate in silence. Harry was hungry but his stomach was protesting the food. He had regrettably over filled his plate again and was now trying to force himself to eat. He didn't like wasting food.
"If you're full, you may be done." Snape said, giving him a knowing look.
Harry blushed and nodded.
Harry stood to clear the table, to give himself a few minutes. Then Snape pulled his wand and set the table to clean itself.
Harry stood there in a little shock. He'd seen this at the Weasley's and even Grimmauld last summer, but it still amazed him. It also left nothing for Harry to do to stall his conversation with Snape.
"Sit, Potter." Snape said.
Harry felt his heart rate surge and his palms began to sweat. Shakily he retook his seat.
Harry kept his eyes down and waited.
He heard Snape sigh. Then he saw the man fold his hands on the table.
"Do you remember that I told you, that you were not the first student I have done this with?" Snape asked.
Harry nodded. He'd felt his heart break at the thought that some of his classmates had endured what he'd been through.
"I have a bit of a formula to how these conversations go. I have options I can give you. I'd like you to consider them before we begin." Snape said.
Unless one of the options was to not do this, he didn't really care about options.
Harry nodded his understanding.
"First I would like to give you the option to not have this conversation with me." Snape said.
Harry's head shot up. Was he really being given the option not to talk about this?
Snape held up his hand.
"You will still need to have this conversation. I'm simply giving you the option of who you'd like to speak with. It needs to be someone who understands the diagnostic paperwork. Normally with my students I would give them the option to speak with me or Madam Pomfrey. You have the additional option to talk to Lupin if you'd like."
Harry felt the hope in his chest burst. Those were not options. This was going to be humiliating and he would not do this with Remus. Pomfrey wouldn't be the worst, but Snape already knew it all. What would the point be now? He'd been given the same options for having the exam done.
With a sigh he nodded.
"Let's just do it." Harry said resignedly.
Snape nodded back.
"Very well, next, I would like to give you options of where you'd like to have this conversation. I usually do this in my office, although I do give options. Many of my students prefer the sitting room. I'd like to have this conversation tonight. That somewhat limits the options, although I'm willing to accommodate whatever might make this more comfortable for you, within reason." Snape explained.
Harry's eyebrows knit together. The sitting room? Did Snape take students alone into his quarters at school? Harry did not care for that. Harry looked up at Snape suspiciously.
The Potion Master hadn't given him any weird feelings. Other than that day he'd run across him coming back from the shower. Though Harry suspected he'd made that situation uncomfortable, not Snape.
"You take students into your quarters at Hogwarts?" Harry said with a bit of accusation in his tone. He'd not even realized he was asking the question before it had already left his mouth.
Snape looked confused for a moment and then shook his head.
"No. Students are not allowed into staff quarters except under extremely specific circumstances. There is an area of the Slytherin common room referred to as the sitting room. I frequently meet with my students there throughout the year. Not only for issues like this. Some students prefer the familiarity and comfort of that space over my office." Snape explained.
Harry couldn't imagine having this conversation in the common room. Though it did lower the alarm bells going off in his head. He also thought it nice that Snape met with his students. McGonagall only ever called them to her office if something was wrong or they were in trouble.
Harry nodded his understanding. He thought for a moment if any place would make him more comfortable. He didn't think so. He liked the kitchen. There was a table between him and Snape. This was also the only room that had more than one way out. There was a doorway that led to the hallway as well as the backdoor and the door that led to the basement. Every other room just had one door. He didn't suspect he'd need to run away from Snape, but he felt comforted by the option. Perhaps that's why the Slytherins preferred the common room.
"Here is fine, Sir." Harry answered.
Snape nodded.
"Would you like anyone here with you?" Snape asked.
Harry got a scandalized look on his face and shook his head vehemently.
"I understand, and it's fine if you don't. Sometimes it's easier to have someone for support. Your head of house? Or one of your friends perhaps. I'd even be willing to allow your godfather here if you want." Snape said sincerely.
Harry shook his head without any hesitation.
He didn't want anyone to know any of it. It was bad enough that they were aware, he did not need to illuminate them on all the ways he had been broken.
"No one needs to know what a freak I am, sir. Let's just get this over with." Harry muttered.
Severus felt a wave of anger. Not at the boy but at the word he'd used. He loathed the word 'freak.' He had wiped Lily's tears away too many times in their youth because of it.
Severus buried his anger. He needed to remain calm.
"You're not a freak Harry. You're an abused child and the people who care for you just want to make sure you are taken care of." Snape said calmly.
Potter blushed and tensed his jaw. Then he seemed to collect himself. Severus was thankful that the boy had not thrown his wall up. He knew this would be painful, but he was beginning to be concerned with the level of shields that Potter was using.
"Is there anything I can offer you to make you more comfortable before we begin?" Severus asked.
Potter seemed to consider for a moment. He seemed unsure but Severus hoped he'd just ask for what he needed. He honestly didn't feel like he'd been doing a particularly good job providing for the boy. If he could express his needs Severus would do what he could to meet them.
"Can I…um…could I have a calming draught?" Potter asked quietly.
He should have seen that coming. He supposed this would be a good enough segue into the conversation. He'd need to explain why he couldn't provide the boy with the potion.
"I'm sorry but no. Your diagnostic shows that you're allergic to lavander. You actually have a number of allergies, but the lavander allergy would prevent a calming draught from being a good option." Severus explained.
Severus expected the boy to look put out or skeptical but instead he looked intrigued.
"Well, I suppose that explains why they never seem to fully work for me. I thought it was just how they worked. Until Hermione took one last year to help with exam stress and had to take a nap. I don't think my allergy to Lavender is too severe. I think my body just kind of neutralizes it. If that's the case though, may I have some of your calming tea?" Potter asked thoughtfully.
Severus was surprised at Potters assessment. The boy was right. The allergy was not one of his more severe ones. Although any allergen could cause problems.
Severus nodded. He could use some tea as well.
Severus stood to make the tea and was stopped when Potter spoke again.
"May I see it? The diagnostic?" Potter asked blushing a little but attempting to meet Severus eye.
Severus did not typically allow the children to look over the parchments. No doubt, it could be re-traumatizing. Potters especially.
Potter obviously understood his hesitation when he spoke again.
"I've already lived through it. There's not going to be anything on there that's going to surprise me. I'd just like to know what you know." Potter said firmly.
Severus wasn't sure that was true. Potter's abuse had started while he was incredibly young. However, Potter had a right to know what his own medical records showed.
Severus nodded and retrieved the papers from his pocket. His notes he laid on the table in front of his seat. He took the top page and folded it. He'd discuss that with Black and Lupin tomorrow. Then held the rest out to Potter.
Potter's eyes followed the page he'd tucked away.
"What's that?" Potter asked.
Severus sighed.
"It's something I need to discuss with someone else before we talk about it." Severus said.
Severus for the first time in a while saw the defiant child he knew shine through in the boy. Severus was preparing for the argument when the boy just bit his lip and shook his head. He took the papers being held out to him and Severus went to the stove to begin making tea.
Severus watched Potter as he waited for the water to boil. The expressions were not unexpected. The boy's emotions shifted from anger to sorrow to embarrassment. The document was rather revealing, and he was sure Potter would rather no one ever saw it.
When the kettle whistled Severus went about making the tea. He placed a mug in front of Potter and took his seat.
Potter had looked through the parchments much quicker than Severus had. He was looking over the last page.
When he was done, he sighed and stacked the pages back together.
Potter took a sip of his tea and a deep breath before meeting Severus' eye.
Severus steadied himself.
"I'm sure reading that was upsetting. Would you like a moment?" Severus asked.
Potter shook his head and looked down at the parchment in front of him. He set his hand on it and after a beat slid the stack across the table.
"I just want to get this over with if you don't mind. Ask what you need to ask." Potter said flatly.
Severus nodded and looked down at his page of notes.
"Your allergies and asthma will need to be addressed before your allowed to fly or brew again." Severus started.
Potter's face got pinched and he looked almost ready to argue again but deflated.
"We will need to do some more tests to verify the level of allergic reaction. Though I'm going to recommend that you carry a vial of 'Breath of Life' with you as well as a bezoar. Both can be used if you go into anaphylaxis. Some of the allergies we may be able to…correct with potions but not all of them. As for the asthma. It's rare in the wizarding world. You may need to go to a muggle doctor to get an inhaler." Severus explained.
Potter nodded.
"Were you aware of these issues?" Severus asked softly.
Potter hesitated for a moment and shrugged his shoulder.
"I thought I might have asthma. Sometimes after a game or dueling it gets hard to breathe. Some of the allergies are a surprise but not all of them. I remember not being able to breathe and getting all rashy when I was little a couple of times. It stopped happening so I figured I'd just outgrown them." Potter said looking at his hands.
"Do you remember what set off those instances? Your records show you nearly died of anaphylaxis twice when you were incredibly young. The records don't show what the cause was." Severus asked, keeping his voice neutral.
Severus was surprised the boy remembered back that far. He had only been two for the first one. Although he supposed it was possible.
"My aunt gave me a peanut butter sandwich when I was almost three. I think that was the first time. The second I was pulling weeds in the garden and got stung by a bee. I've never had a reaction like that since. Although Aunt Petunia always gives me peanut butter sandwiches when she's upset. Maybe she thinks it will happen again." Potter said with a sigh.
Severus clenched his jaw in anger. He had noticed both on Potters allergy list.
"When was the last time you were exposed to either?" Severus asked.
Potter thought for a moment before answering.
"I got another bee sting during third year while I was on my broom. The sting swelled a little, but it was fine by the next day." Potter answered.
"And peanuts?" Severus asked.
"It's all they fed me this summer. I had two sandwiches during the week I was back…my stomach hurt but I just figured the peanut butter was expired." Potter muttered.
Severus wished they had caught this sooner. He hoped there could be repercussions on the Dursley's. Petunia had always been horrible, but this was something else. This was deplorable behavior.
Severus nodded.
"Did they often feed you expired food? The exam showed you've had quite a few cases of food poisoning." Severus asked.
To his surprise the boy blushed deeply and looked away from him. It was a strange reaction.
"I don't want to talk about it." Potter mumbled.
Severus considered for a moment. He supposed he could let it go. It wasn't a current problem or a recent one. Though he was a little concerned about Potters reaction.
"Very well." Severus said.
"We will talk to Madam Pomfrey tomorrow about how your allergies can be addressed." Severus continued.
Potter nodded. Then reached out for his mug and took another long drink of his tea. Severus noticed the tremor in his hand.
"The tremor in your hand is from the Cruciatus." Severus said, gesturing to the boy's hand.
Potter nodded.
"I know. I've had most of the bones in both hands broken, but this…it didn't start until after the graveyard." Potter said a little distantly, as he stared at his hand.
"It wasn't treated properly. It's left nerve damage. I'll attempt to correct it if I can. Do you know why you weren't given treatment after it happened?" Severus asked curiously.
He knew Potter had been taken to the hospital wing. Poppy surely would have treated him with post- Cruciatus potions. Severus had been dosed with several himself when he'd been there earlier in the summer.
Potter let out a hollow chuckle and shook his head. A dark look crossed his face.
"I wasn't taken to the hospital wing for hours. Moody…or Crouch I guess, took me right after I came back. Then Dumbledore took me to his office to explain everything that had happened. It was only after he knew everything that he took me to the hospital wing. By then Hermione and the Weasley's and even Sirius were all there. Madam Pomfrey never even asked what had happened. She put a little salve on some of my scrapes and wrapped my arm where it was still bleeding…" Potter said running his fingers gently across the area that Pettigrew had cut him.
"That was about it. There was a lot happening. The Minister was there, and Dumbledore was sending people out. I understand. It wasn't important." Potter said softly.
Severus felt anger at the headmaster. Surely the child could have been taken to the hospital wing before he had been questioned. He also felt his heart break a little more at Potters words. He'd said it wasn't important but in the tone that very much meant 'I'm not important.'
Severus sighed. The boy had a far away look in his eyes as he took another sip of his tea.
"I think some potions may be able to help." Severus said softly.
Potter gave a non-committal shrug.
"Do you want a break, or shall we continue?" Severus asked.
So far Potter had been a lot calmer then he'd expected but he didn't want to push the boy into a panic.
Potter looked into his nearly empty mug.
"Can I have more tea, please?" Potter asked softly.
Severus nodded.
He took both of there mugs and headed to the stove.
He tried to think of something to keep the conversation going. He remembered his comments to Minerva about Gryffindor bravery and decided he'd bring up the Basilisk. Perhaps Potter would perk up at telling a story of some kind of heroics.
"Speaking of near death, could you explain to me how you not only managed to be bitten by a basilisk, but survived?" Severus asked over his shoulder.
He'd puzzled over it all weak. Where had the boy encountered the beast? How had it not killed him instantly? How had he gotten close enough to be bitten? How had he survived?
Severus looked over at Potter who had a confused look on his face.
"Surely you remember it happening?" Severus asked.
Potter nodded.
"Of course…. But… didn't the headmaster tell the teachers what happened?" Harry asked, his brows pinched together.
Severus groaned and turned back to his tea. Minerva was right. Albus had been hiding more than they had suspected.
"Don't feel special Potter, Professor Dumbledore makes a habit of keeping things from all of us. It's not just you." Severus sneered as he poured the hot water into their mugs.
Severus finished making the tea and set the mugs back on the table. He studied Potter for a moment who seemed to be warring between anger and disbelief.
"What did he tell the teachers?" Potter asked.
Severus took a deep breath.
"We had all been fairly concerned about the petrification's. The night that the Weasley girl was taken, Lockhart was told to find her. He had made numerous claims that he was aware of the chamber's location. Which was obviously false, the castle has been searched and no such place exists. The rest of the staff met in Dumbledore's office to organize sending the students home since the suspect had not been caught. The next morning the staff was informed that the petrification had been caused by indirect eye contact with a basilisk and that it was dead. The girl had been found. We were also informed that Lockhart had misfired a spell and had been sent to St. Mungo's." Severus explained.
Potter stood from his seat and began pacing about the room.
Severus watched as Potter dragged his hands through his hair.
"That's it. That's all he said?" Potter asked.
"Yes." Severus said cautiously.
Potter spun on his heel as he paced back towards Severus.
Severus felt his breath catch. Potter's eyes were glowing like they had been when he'd set the practice room on fire. He didn't think his old house would hold if Potter started casting fire in here.
"Harry." Severus called.
Potter made eye contact and Severus steeled himself.
"I can see that this is upsetting you. We don't need to talk about it right now. How about we continue with what we were doing and if you feel up to talking about it later, I'll be more than glad to listen." Severus tried to soothe.
Potter seemed to deflate. The glowing stopped and his shoulders sagged.
"I'm sorry, Professor." Potter mumbled as he took his seat.
"It's all right. Are you prepared to continue, or would you like a few minutes?" Severus asked.
He'd give Potter the time he needed. He'd never admit it to the boy, but his recent displays of magic were as astounding as they were terrifying. Severus himself felt like he could use a few minutes outside. The air in the kitchen smelt almost electric.
Potter shrugged.
"I'm feeling a bit warm myself, would you like to do this outside?" Severus asked. Hoping that if he expressed his own wants Potter may feel more inclined to share his.
Potter seemed to only consider for a moment before nodding.
"Would it be alright if I went and grabbed a jumper?" Potter asked softly.
Severus nodded.
Potter left the kitchen and Severus headed out the back door.
Severus took Several deep breaths. This was slow going but he felt they were doing ok, so far. He walked to the fence line and began casting privacy spells. He didn't suspect the neighbors would be listening in, but he would feel more comfortable, and he needed something to do for a few minutes.
Harry made it to the guest room and sat heavily on the bed. He took some deep breaths and tried to steady himself.
How could Dumbledore have kept the whole thing to himself? He'd awarded them with special services to the school. What did the teachers think they'd done? Just found Ginny lying in an empty classroom? Snape didn't even know the chamber was real.
What about the diary?
Harry looked warily at his trunk. What was Dumbledore hiding?
Harry took a deep breath. Talking to Snape wasn't going so poorly. Although while reading over the exam he had considered just burning the whole thing. Snape was going to have a lot more questions. Some he was willing to answer and some he wasn't.
Harry stood and rolled his shoulders. He was fine, he tried to reassure himself. He'd felt the flames burning inside of him again when he'd been pacing. He needed to keep himself calm.
Harry grabbed his hooded sweatshirt and pulled it on as he made his way back downstairs.
Severus had conjured two chairs and a small table on the porch. He'd placed there tea on the table and was waiting for Potter.
The boy came out of the house and did look calmer. He took the other seat and they both looked out into the garden.
"Go ahead." Potter said, not turning to look at Severus.
Severus looked at his notes and sighed.
"I do not want to upset you again, but you've had several near-death experiences. More than this parchment tells, I know. Would you be willing to explain the ones that left physical signs?" Severus said softly.
Potter sighed loudly. Then cleared his throat.
"Why don't you read them off and I'll tell you what I can." Potter said a little shakily.
Severus nodded and picked up the parchment.
"We've already discussed your allergic reactions. The next would be bleach ingestion when you were five." Severus said neutrally.
Potter nodded his head and closed his eyes.
"My aunt was teaching me how to do the laundry. I'd already been responsible for most of the housework by then, but she had waited on laundry. She didn't want me to break the new machine." Potter said slowly.
His eyes opened and he stared into the distance. Severus could see a slight shine in his eyes.
Severus waited patiently for the boy to speak.
"I…Um…I had burned my hand cooking breakfast that morning. When I went to grab the bleach to start the load of whites I dropped it. I didn't mean to but my hand hurt, and it was heavy. The cap came off and spilled on the floor." Potter said shakily as a tear rolled down his cheek.
"It didn't get on anything other than the tile. I cleaned it up right away, but my aunt was furious that I'd spilt it. She thought I'd done it on purpose. She grabbed the bottle and shoved it in my mouth. I was crying and gagging. It was running down my shirt and coming out my nose…" Harry said cutting himself off with a choked sound.
Severus wanted to reach out to Potter. To comfort him. He couldn't imagine how terrifying that must have been.
"I threw up and she just yelled more. She threw me in the….in my room. I just kept getting sick. I was sick for days before I started feeling better." Potter finished wiping his face and picking up his tea.
"I learned how to do laundry and I never made another mistake like that again." Potter said flatly.
Severus felt his heart break at Potters tone. He thought back to last week when he'd explained how to run the washer. Potter had been doing laundry for over a decade.
How could someone hate a child so much? Petunia should be in prison for attempted murder. She would have succeeded if the boy's magic hadn't saved him.
Severus took a deep breath. It had been a difficult story to listen to. He wasn't sure he could continue.
"What's next?" Potter asked distantly.
"We can be done for now if you want to stop, Harry." Severus said earnestly.
He was not trying to break the boy. Just understand and try and help him.
Potter shook his head.
"I just want this to be over. If over means we need to talk about this lets just do it." Potter said firmly.
Severus nodded and looked back at the paper.
"You've nearly drowned several times." Severus answered quietly.
Potter nodded.
"I never learned how to swim. The first time my cousin pushed me into a pool. I wouldn't have been there except the whole class had been invited. My teacher pulled me off the bottom." Potter said quietly.
Severus felt thankful for the teacher. Although his anger at the situation seemed to be overriding any other emotion.
"Where were your relatives?" Severus asked.
"Standing right there. I don't know if they didn't see what happened or just didn't care." Harry said with a shrug.
"Did your teacher say anything to them?" Severus asked cautiously.
Potter nodded then bit his lip.
"She made a scene. They said they hadn't noticed and acted concerned. My uncle was really upset when we got home…On Monday my teacher asked me about the bruises. I thought if I told her she would save me. Like she'd saved me from the pool." Potter said, turning and looking Severus in the eye. The desperation for understanding was clear.
Severus nodded.
"Child welfare came to the house. My aunt and uncle told them that I was disturbed and had emotional problems. That I'd thrown a fit and the bruises were from slamming myself into the floor. They called the school and got the teacher fired for lying about their family. By the next weekend, the whole school thought I was disturbed and a liar. That I couldn't be trusted." Potter said hollowly.
Severus swallowed hard and then took a deep breath.
"The next time my uncle nearly drowned me in the bathtub. I took too long in the shower and my uncle came in and pulled me out. I…" Potter looked down at his hands in his lap for a moment.
"He filled the tub and held my head under. He wanted me to understand how expensive it is to keep me." Potter muttered.
Severus considered this for a moment. The story was horrifying but perhaps it explained Potter's excessively short showers. He'd planned to bring that up. Maybe this would be a good segue. He could use a break from the heartbreaking story.
"A showers worth of water is hardly an expense. You know that don't you? You know what they've done is wrong?" Severus asked.
Harry shrugged one shoulder and nodded a little.
"They told me I needed to earn my keep. I always tried to but…it never seemed like I did enough. I know they shouldn't have been hurting me…But they didn't exactly ask to have me either. When I…when I did bad things, they had to punish me. They said it was, so I'd learn. I did learn…Then it was the fre…magic stuff. I really messed up a few times." Potter sighed.
He dropped his head into his hands and seemed to be just taking some deep breaths.
Severus didn't even know where to start. They had enslaved the boy. Convinced him the only way he'd have a place to stay is if he worked for them. Hurt him when they felt like 'teaching him a lesson.' They were lucky Potter hadn't become an obscurial.
"Harry." Severus called.
Harry looked up at him. His eyes were red, and he looked overwhelmed.
"Take a sip of your tea. Okay?" Severus said softly.
Potter nodded and took his tea. He took a long drink and cradled the mug to his chest.
"You're relatives had options. If they couldn't take care of you. They could have contacted child welfare, or Albus or dropped you off somewhere safe. The expense of a child is never the child's responsibility. I know you feel unsure about your place right now. But I want you to know I have no expectations that you need to somehow earn your keep here. You may eat when you're hungry and shower as long as you wish. I may ask for help around the house or with meals, but I do not expect you to do it all. Neither will Black or Lupin just to be clear. We want to help you. Make sure you're taken care of and that your needs are met. You never should have gone through any of this. But were here now, we can't go back but please trust us to help you move forward." Severus said with as much honesty as he could push into his words.
He hoped Harry would believe him.
Potter's shoulders started to shake, and Severus knew he was about to start crying. He reached a hand out and placed it gently on the boy's shoulder.
They sat quietly for a few minutes. Potter cried softly and Severus kept his hand on his shoulder, rubbing it softly. He wasn't sure if he was helping but he felt horribly unsure at this moment. His Slytherins were usually first years or brought a friend with them for comfort and support.
Harry didn't know what to make of Snapes words. Once again, he was having a tough time separating what he was being told verses what applied to him. He wanted to hope… wanted to believe that he could trust Sirius and Remus. Even trust Snape. But how could he?
Snapes hand on his shoulder was grounding and comforting. But he also felt broken and dirty and like a freak. He shrugged his shoulder and Snapes hand disappeared.
He took one last deep breath and pushed the wall up a little. He knew he wouldn't be able to have this conversation with it all the way up. He would implode. But he needed to get this over with.
With a deep breath he wiped his face on his sleeve and looked back at Snape. He looked broken. Harry felt worse. He didn't want to hurt the people around him.
"I saw the notes. The last near drowning was in the Black Lake. During the tournament. I nearly didn't make it back to the surface. The Gillyweed was wearing off and I…I don't know how to swim." Harry said neutrally.
Harry heard Snape mutter something under his breath.
"The um…strangulation was from my uncle." Harry muttered out. Trying to focus so he could continue.
"The Dursleys had to take me with them when I was almost eleven. We went to the zoo. Something happened while we were there. My uncle was angry when we got home. I passed out when he was holding me by my neck. It happened again after…after the dementor showed up last summer. They thought I had hurt Dudley." Harry said softly.
Harry could see Snape nodding from the corner of his eye.
"What about the last one? You nearly bled to death." Snape asked quietly.
Harry nodded.
"They were especially harsh that summer. I was already in pretty rough shape and my uncle sent me to patch up the roof. It didn't need it. I'd done the whole roof the summer before. When I was trying to come back down…Um…My uncle pushed the latter over. I…I think my lung collapsed…. or something and I um…I was coughing and um…throwing up blood." Harry whispered.
Snape made a choked noise and Harry looked over. The anger on the man's face was evident. He'd avoided looking at the man earlier. Harry had just talked. He wondered if he'd shared too much.
Snapes face got that blank look, and he took a deep breath.
"Your records show that you took potions to resolve the blood loss. Where did you get them?" Snape asked flatly.
Harry nodded.
"Fred and George. I was really pale when the Weasley's collected me. When we got back to the Burrow, they shuffled me off to their room. They um…They wanted to take me to St. Mungo's. I…I told them no. They got me patched up." Harry said softly.
He wished he was with them now. He wanted their comfort. They understood him better than anyone else. They could be comforting without smothering him and they knew when to back off. They were some of the few he trusted to touch him. They'd always made him feel better. Physically and emotionally. He would never be able to fully pay them back for what they had done for him. He'd given them the tri-wizard winnings to help make their dream come true. Because they'd been the closest thing to a dream coming true that he'd ever really had. People who cared for him. Even if he didn't deserve it.
Severus would need to thank the Weasley twins. They'd clearly been the only people in the boy's life who had ever taken care of him. He could yell himself blue about how dangerous it had been for them not to tell an adult. How stupid it had been to try and patch Potter up on their own. However, they'd also been children. They were just barely not now. And they had eventually gotten help for Potter.
"What else do we need to discuss." Potter asked tiredly.
Severus sighed and rubbed his face before looking back at his notes.
"There are few things that still need to be addressed. I'm sorry to do this but can you drop your glamour?" Severus asked.
Potter shot him an alarmed look.
"Why?" Potter's voice shook slightly.
"Please." Severus said again.
Potter looked him in the eye for a long moment before he slowly nodded.
Severus watched as the child got noticeably thinner. His heart clinched at the sight of a long scar that wrapped around part of the boy's neck.
Severus stood and walked in front of Potter and held out his hand.
Potter looked at him skeptically before he laid his left hand in Severus's.
Severus held Potters hand firmly and turned it over, palm up. Then pushed Potters sleeve up his arm.
Severus felt Potter try and pull away as soon as he realized what he was doing. The glamour snapped back in place.
"What are you doing?" Potter's voice shook with fear.
"I'm not trying to hurt you, or embarrass you, or scare you. Can you please take down the glamour and allow me to look at your arm." Severus asked quietly.
He could feel Potter shaking.
He looked up and met the boy's eyes.
"You read the parchment. You know that I know what's under the glamour. Will you please allow me to see your arm?" Severus said firmly but kindly.
Potter seemed to shrink into himself. Then he nodded.
Severus watched as the glamour faded away again.
He studied the arm in his hand.
The boy had obviously been hurting himself.
Severus took a deep breath to keep himself steady and calm.
This was hardly the first child he'd had to help with this. Having a close relationship with the Slytherins had exposed him to the wide variety of possible issues teens and preteens dealt with. When he had agreed to take in Potter, he'd not expected to be dealing with so many of those issues in one child.
Most of the scars looked well healed. There were a couple that looked fresher. They also looked like it was something He'd been doing for a long time. The most alarming was the large pink scar that ran up potters' arm about five inches. It had clearly been a severe injury, it also looked like it could also have been self-inflicted.
Severus took slow breaths to keep himself calm.
They'd missed a lot with Potter. But how had they missed this?
Severus was also angered to see how many other scars littered the skinny arm he held.
Severus released Potters left arm and held his hand out again. Potter was still shaking but raised his other hand. Severus repeated the process and found the boy's arms were nearly identical.
Severus gently ran his thumb up part of the large scar on Potters wrist. With a steadying breath he spoke.
"Harry, did you try to kill yourself?" Severus asked calmly.
There was a pause and Severus looked into Potters eyes.
"Wha…What? N…No." Potter stammered.
Severus tried to look for signs the boy was lying. His expression seemed mixed.
"It's okay. I just want to help you." Severus said softly.
Severus really hoped that he was wrong. But all evidence was pointing to a suicide attempt.
Potter swallowed hard and pulled his hand from Severus.
"I…I didn't." Potter said more firmly.
Severus stood up straight and kept an eye on Potter.
"It's clear you've been engaging in self-harming behavior for quite a while. Both of your arms are littered with scars from self-inflicted injuries. You have large vertical scars on both arms that the diagnostic indicates happened the same day. It also says you took blood replenisher." Severus explained firmly but calmly.
"Did you change your mind? Did someone stop you?" Severus asked softly.
The boy blushed and looked away from Severus.
Severus summoned his chair and sat so he was in front of Potter. He didn't want to loom over him. However, they needed to get to the bottom of this. He would need to inform a few people of Potters self-harm so that he could be monitored. However, things changed if he had been actively suicidal recently. There should be immediate precautions put in place.
"Harry, look at me please." Severus said softly.
Potter glanced at him and then away again.
Severus sighed.
"No one is going to be mad. Okay? We just want to make sure you're safe. Can you tell me what happened?" Severus asked.
Potter's hand came up and ran through his hair, ruffling the bird's nest so that it seemed to stand even more on end. Severus wondered how much more difficult this conversation would have been if he'd been looking at the boy he'd watched this afternoon. He knew that they were the same person but…somehow, they weren't. Potter as he sat in front of him was the arrogant brat that he'd been butting heads with for the past five years. The child he'd watched in the park was Harry. The boy that had been quiet and shy and polite in his house for the past two weeks. He was the son of his childhood best friend.
Severus took a deep breath and was about to prompt Potter again when the boy sighed and began to speak.
"I really don't want to talk about that day, if it's all the same to you. It was a difficult day, but I didn't try to kill myself." Potter said calmly.
Severus looked at him critically.
"You didn't do this to yourself?" Severus asked skeptically.
Potter sighed again.
"Not intentionally. They were accidents." Potter stated.
"The twins had sent potions and…supplies. I bandaged the cuts as soon as I could and took a blood replenisher." Potter said.
Severus found the story unlikely.
"Can you explain how you managed to cut both arms accidentally?" Severus asked neutrally.
Potter looked away from him.
"This one was a pair of garden shears and this…" Potter cut himself off and seemed to go a little green.
Severus waited.
"…This was a kitchen knife." Potter said a little shakily.
Severus studied Potter for a moment. He was clearly hiding something. He would keep an eye on him but let the matter drop for now. He could wait, build a little more trust with the boy first before he pushed for more information. He'd been more forthcoming with answers then Severus had expected.
"Harry, if you ever feel like hurting yourself again, I want you to come to me or someone else you trust. We won't judge you. We just want you to be safe. We can help you." Severus said softly.
Potter turned and met his eyes.
"I…I'm fine. I've been fine." Potter said earnestly.
Severus considered for a moment.
"What made you stop?" Severus asked.
Potter's shoulders relaxed.
"Fred and George." Potter said softly, twisting his fingers in the sleeves of his overly large jumper.
Severus once again was surprised by the twins. Perhaps he'd allow them to his home again. They were clearly good for Potter.
Severus nodded.
"Still, if you find yourself considering it again, please go to an adult." Severus said.
Potter sighed and nodded.
Severus thought for a moment about his list. There were still several things on it, but he didn't think Potter could take anymore tonight. The boy was exhausted.
"I suggest we pick this up another day." Severus said softly.
Potter shook his head.
"Please professor. I'd really just like to get this over with. What else do we need to talk about?" Potter said wearily.
Severus saw Potter shiver. The wind had picked up slightly.
"We have a few things to discuss. I suggest we take this back inside." Severus suggested.
Potter nodded.
Harry walked back into the house. He took his cup to the counter and proceeded to make more tea. This conversation was far more taxing then he'd thought it would be. He didn't want to talk about that last day at number four. It had been too much.
He'd been alarmed that Snape had thought he'd tried to kill himself. Not that he hadn't thought it. Even when he'd gotten those injuries.
However, he hadn't done that on purpose. Snape wanted him to go to someone if he started feeling that way again…
He didn't know about that.
For now, he was mixed up but okay. The tea was keeping him calm. Not as well as a calming draught might but he was only maintaining slight shields and he hadn't completely broken down.
The kettle whistled and he refilled his cup with water. He added slightly more tea than he thought Snape had been giving him. He was starting to feel the edges of panic and he wanted to try and get through the rest of this conversation. He knew he wouldn't be sleeping tonight and would likely be having a panic about everything he had shared with Snape later but for right now he needed to keep himself calm.
Harry saw Snapes set his cup in the sink next to him and looked up. Snape looked tired. Perhaps the man had been trying to end the conversation for his own comfort. Harry felt guilt way heavily in his heart. He was a freak, and he was a burden sharing all this.
Snape didn't want to know. He'd just been saddled with Harry just like the Dursleys had been.
Harry took a deep breath to steady himself. His thoughts were starting to race. He raised the cup to his mouth and took a sip of the scalding liquid. He held it in his mouth wishing he could spit it out. Tears pricked his eyes. Then he focused on the pain and used it to ground himself in this moment.
He swallowed the burning liquid and put on his most neutral mask.
Setting his mug on the table he glanced at Snape, who was looking at one of the parchments.
Harry realized the tea he'd already had to drink was running through him. Debating between asking permission to leave and just leaving he decided he wouldn't interrupt the man. He quickly made his way to the loo and back. The calming tea had begun to work when he returned to the kitchen.
Snape was sitting with his hands folded and watching the kitchen door.
"Sorry. Too much tea." Harry muttered. Feeling his cheeks burn red.
Snape nodded and Harry took his seat.
Harry sighed and nodded at Snape to continue.
"I would like to address your wardrobe. I'm aware it doesn't have anything to specifically do with your diagnostic but more with a continued show of the neglect of your previous guardians. Do you own any clothing that is the proper size, without holes or stains?" Snape said bluntly.
Harry felt horribly embarrassed. He hated wearing Dudley's cast offs. He'd planned to find a thrift store and buy himself something else to wear. However, he'd been caught by Bill before that.
Harry shook his head. His school uniforms weren't even the right size anymore. He thought his Weasley jumper from last year might be the only thing in his whole trunk that was actually the right size.
"I see. We will rectify that situation soon." Snape said.
Harry felt confused.
"What?" Harry asked.
Snape gave him an annoyed look.
"There's no need for you to dress like a house elf Potter. We will get you proper clothing." Snape said slightly dismissively.
Harry still felt confused. He'd never had an adult ask about his clothing. Mary and Jack had pushed for him to buy new trainers, but no one had ever specifically commented on his clothing. Normally his aunt just threw stacks of Dudley's garbage at him and that was that. He had also never bought anything for himself other than school uniforms. It had always felt like he hadn't had the time. He also didn't feel like he really deserved anything better. Perhaps it was time. Even if he didn't deserve it, at least he wouldn't be an embarrassment to whoever he was with.
"I…I'll need to go to Gringotts. I only have a bit of my summer earnings left." Harry said hopefully. He still wanted to pay Mary back.
Snape looked at him like he'd lost the plot.
"I'll handle your wardrobe, Potter." Snape said.
Harry felt that slimy feeling again. He didn't like owing people.
Harry shook his head.
"No, thank you." Harry responded.
Snape leaned forward slightly.
"Oh? And why is that?" Snape asked.
Harry blushed more. He took another large gulp of his tea. He was sure it was terribly telling that he was nervous when every time he was uncomfortable, he drank more tea, but it was the only thing keeping him in this conversation. And although Snape had given him the option to leave, he wanted to get it done. He didn't want to have to wait for whenever the next time it would get brought up. If they took care of this all now, he could just move on.
"I…I can buy my own things. Thank you for the offer but I'm not interested." Harry said as neutrally as he could.
Snape sat back and studied him for a moment.
"I suppose it can be sorted out when we go shopping." Snape said looking back to the page in front of him.
Harry sighed.
"Could you come sit here?" Snape asked pointing to the seat between them.
Harry thought he'd rather not sit that close. He'd felt terribly boxed in when Snape had decided to sit directly in front of him on the patio.
With hesitation he raised and moved seats.
Snape moved the paper between them and began skipping around asking a variety of questions. How an injury had occurred. Or if he remembered what his relatives gave him for treatment for an illness. Most were easy to answer. Although he was surprised by the number of concussions he'd had. He'd known he'd had a few and even reading it earlier he'd noticed a few but when Snape had grouped them all together it was kind of alarming. His uncle liked to throw him headfirst into hard surfaces and his aunt liked to swing things at his head.
Harry had managed to avoid any mention of his cupboard. Though that had been Vernon's favorite place to throw Harry. He was quite sure there was even a dent in the wall where his head had hit so many times.
Almost all of the things they were discussing were in the past, now. However, telling someone that he'd grown up locked in a cupboard was horribly embarrassing and it had left lasting fears of the dark and of being locked up. He felt a growing level of trust with Snape. However, he would not hand the man a potential weapon to use against him.
Telling Snape that his relatives had never taken him to a doctor or dentist had been slightly embarrassing, but Snape hadn't drawn any attention to it, which Harry was thankful for.
Severus was fuming on the inside at the level of disregard for Potters life that his relatives had shown. Potter had almost talked casually about the injuries and illnesses he'd experienced. Like it wasn't a big deal. It was horrifying and he hoped Lupin would be able to help the boy.
Severus calmed his nerves as Potter took another sip of tea.
Severus only had two things left to address with the boy and he didn't know how to start either conversation. He decided to jump into the one that had already been partially brought up. Potters' mental health.
Severus flipped to the last page.
He saw potter bite his lip.
"I realize these are all pretty self-explanatory given everything that you've lived through. However, as I said before please come to someone if you feel like hurting yourself again. This also extends to any other emotional issue you might experience. Panic attacks, nightmares, fears that you need help addressing. Please come to us if you are having any issues. I know you haven't had the support you needed but were here now." Snape said as neutrally as he could manage.
Potter shrugged his shoulder.
Severus knew it was a lot to take in. The last topic he wanted to discuss with the boy was the potential evidence that he had been sexually abused. This topic he did not have much experience with and was hoping not to make any major mistakes. He had considered not bringing it up at all, but with Potters reluctance to talk to anyone about anything he didn't want it to be overlooked. He also wanted Potter to know it hadn't been overlooked and give him the option to talk about it if he wanted or needed to.
With a steadying breath he prepared to broach the subject.
"Alright, let's move on. We're nearly done." Severus said as he flipped back to the boy's extensive list of injuries.
Potter nodded.
"Can you tell me the cause of these injuries?" Severus asked neutrally, pointing to some lines on the parchment. They listed injuries to the boy's privates when he was rather young. They seemed to be spaced a couple weeks apart.
Potter blushed and hunched in on himself. Severus noticed that the boy's hands had begun to rub up and down his arms.
"It's all right. Just take your time." Severus said calmly.
Potter bit his lip and closed his eyes.
With a sigh he opened his eyes again, though he just looked at his hands.
"I…um…Er…my aunt always said I was dirty. She…she wouldn't let me bathe though…sometimes my uncle would…Um…He would have me get undressed and stand in the yard and he would spray me with the garden hose…and then scrub me." Potter mumbled.
Severus didn't even know what to say about that. It was disgusting and disturbing.
"Scrubbed you with what?" Severus asked softly.
Potter swallowed hard.
"Steel wool…he um always said he didn't want something so dirty in his house. That…um some parts were…dirtier than others. That's where the injuries came from." Potter nearly whispered as he started to rub his hands together like he was washing them.
Severus looked at the injuries around the ones he had pointed out and noticed the boy had experienced similar abrasions to his hands, feet, bottom, and face.
Severus sighed. No wonder the boy had cleaning issues. Not only had they ruled through fear and had him cleaning and cooking long before it would have been age appropriate. They'd also convinced the boy that he himself was dirty. He knew Potter obsessively washed his hands. Severus wondered if he wasn't just as aggressive when bathing. No wonder his open wounds had become so inflamed.
His suspicions also hadn't really been nullified. They had not been confirmed either but the fact that Dursley was saying things like that while 'cleaning' Potter definitely raised red flags.
Severus moved farther down the list to when Potter had been school aged. There were several incidents that he wanted to address that seemed to end not long before the boy had come to Hogwarts. A few months at most.
Then there seemed to be a few more similar incidents scattered after he'd started Hogwarts. Always in the summers.
"Was this your uncle too?" Severus asked cautiously, pointing to several lines on the parchment.
Potter stilled and his face went completely pale.
Severus gave Potter a moment.
"Harry?" Severus called softly.
Potter wouldn't look at him.
Severus sighed. He knew this would be difficult.
"Was this your uncle?" Severus asked softly again.
Potter shook his head.
"No, it wasn't." Potter said clearly but his voice sounded a little thick.
"No?" Severus asked neutrally.
Potter clenched his jaw and shook his head.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Severus asked.
Potter shook his head again.
"No, I'm not talking about that." Potter said sharply.
Severus nodded.
He knew he'd pushed Potter enough for one night. Clearly something had happened. Severus didn't need to know who it was. Unless that person was still a threat to Potter or other children. The last such signs had only happened last summer.
Severus also had some concern that the incidents after he'd come to Hogwarts might not be the same perpetrator. The level of injury seemed to increase in the later incidents. There was also a two-year gap between incidents, extending from early summer before he'd come to Hogwarts until the middle of the summer before his third year.
If it hadn't been the same person, than the later incidents may have been someone in the wizarding world. It made Severus sick. Potter was well surrounded by people that he trusted. If one of them had betrayed them like this, it was horrifying.
Severus knew Potter didn't have much contact with the wizarding world in the summer, but it wasn't none.
Although he didn't care for many people, and he didn't trust people the way Albus did. Severus didn't want to think that one of the people around them was a child predator.
With a deep breath he focused back on Potter.
"Have some of your tea. Were done. You did really well. Thank you for talking to me so that I could understand this all better." Severus said softly.
Potter shakily took his cup and sipped it until it was empty.
Severus nodded as he saw Potters shoulders relax slightly.
Severus sat back in his chair to give Potter as much room as he could without standing up from the table.
"We will need to discuss several things with Poppy tomorrow. You'll need to be on a few potions regularly. I will need to adjust a couple to work around your allergies." Severus said.
Severus cleared his throat a little.
"I will also be speaking with Black and Lupin tomorrow about something that has come to light. I know you don't want things kept from you and I promise I will explain tomorrow. I just don't have the answers right now and would like a day to get them before we discuss it." Severus said as he thought.
Potter shot him a weary glance.
"Please don't discuss this with them." Harry said mournfully.
Severus looked at Potter. He wished he could make that promise. However, they were his parents and they needed to know that at least. He would do what he could to limit the information they got, in order to protect Potter's privacy. However, all he could do was ask them to respect his wishes. He couldn't withhold the information if they truly wanted it.
"What has happened between you and the mutts? I was under the impression you were rather close to them." Severus asked.
It was another thing about this situation that was bothering him. Potter had seemed close to Lupin the year he'd been teaching. Then last summer it seemed like the trio was always with Black and Lupin anytime he was forced to go to Order meetings. What had changed? Potter had seemed so strange about them both this summer.
Harry looked devastated and then shook his head.
"Nothing." Potter answered.
Severus raised his eyebrow.
"I just keep disappointing them. They…I…" Potter sighed.
Severus waited. Nothing he'd heard from Black or Lupin had sounded like disappointment. Concern and worry mostly.
"I don't think they like me very much. I think they wish I was more like my dad. But I'm not. Not in the ways that matter to them. I…I also stole a bunch of things from Grimmauld. I…I thought Sirius was dead. I just didn't want his things to get lost or thrown away. I never had anything of my parents until I went to Hogwarts. I didn't even know what had happened to them. I only have a couple of things from my father and nothing of my mother's. I just wanted to keep a little of Sirius. I sent everything back to him. It's what was in the box I sent with Dumbledore." Potter said brokenly.
"Then everything else feels like it's falling apart. I don't want them to know any of this. I…It was nice to have people who just saw me. Not the boy-who-lived…Not Freak or boy. But that's all falling apart now. Please don't tell them about all of this. It's already bad enough." Potter begged.
Severus heart broke for this child. They had all failed him and Severus wouldn't do that again. As much as he hated it, he would find a way to be civil to Black and Lupin. The boy clearly wanted them in his life, he was just scared, and Severus could understand that. The boy's whole life had been in turmoil and now everything had been ripped away and turned upside down.
Severus glanced at the clock. It was late.
"I will do my best to limit the information that they get. I do need to speak to them, however. I imagine you'll see them tomorrow as well." Severus said.
Potter looked done. Severus felt like he needed a drink.
"Why don't you head to bed. We'll be leaving after breakfast." Severus said with a nod.
Potter stood on shaking legs and headed for the kitchen door.
He glanced back at Severus with the saddest eyes.
"Good night, Professor." Potter said softly. His arms wrapped around his middle.
"Good night, Harry." Severus replied.
Harry made his way into the bathroom and locked the door. He checked it several times before casting a locking spell at the door too. He stripped off his clothes and got into the scalding shower. He felt like his skin was crawling. This whole conversation had been humiliating and now Snape was going to turn around and tell Sirius and Remus.
Adults had never done anything but make his life worse. Why should he think now was going to be any better?
He felt anger at Snape for asking so many questions. He felt so embarrassed and ashamed about all of it. He never should have agreed to any of this. And those last questions…
Harry felt his stomach twist and he gagged. He felt the tea bubbling back up from his stomach and soon found himself vomiting it back up. He choked and coughed and cried. When it finally stopped, he waved his hand to vanish the little dinner that had come back up.
Harry scratched hard at his skin with his nails. Sirius had been so mad at him the last time he'd seen him. What if he was still mad? Would Sirius yell at him again tomorrow? What if Sirius did get custody? What would that even end up looking like? Would it be like living with the Dursleys again? Would it be worse? Things felt like they had changed from the way they'd been last summer. Harry had shown his true colors now and Sirius wouldn't want him. Who would?
Then there was Remus. He had stayed calm but the fear and disappointment in his eyes before Harry had left last Friday had been clear. Maybe the fire was too freaky even for the magical world. He'd thought he wouldn't be judged for his magic now that he was in the magical world, but this wasn't the first time. Second year had been the real eye opener that even in the magical world he was a freak.
Sirius and Remus were a couple. He was pretty sure he'd even noticed a ring the last time he saw them. Remus said he wouldn't apologize for Sirius and he hadn't seemed angry but what if after talking to Sirius he got angry.
He wished he could still be loved even if he was a freak. He wished that they could look past it. But he'd learned long ago that no one wanted a freak.
He hated it all. He wanted to turn into Akela so badly. He wanted to run away from everything. Start over far away.
He sighed. He had tried that and this is how it had worked out. He was so angry and disgusted with himself.
Harry scrubbed and scrubbed at his body until the water began to run cold. He turned off the water and climbed out of the shower. He avoided catching his reflection in the mirror. It had apparently been charmed not to fog.
Harry sighed. Then he dried his skin aggressively and pulled on his clothing. He didn't know what to feel at this moment. He felt anger and shame mostly. However, there was deep hurt mixed in as well.
With a deep breath he gathered his belongings and dropped the locking charm on the door.
He hoped he wouldn't encounter Snape again tonight. If he couldn't have anything else, he hoped the man could at least give him space. At least for the night.
When he opened the door, he discovered that the hall was empty and sighed in relief. When he got to the guest room, he went to grab his salve from his bag then noticed a vile sitting on the side table. He stepped closer and felt his heart calm a bit.
Snape had left him a vial of dreamless sleep. Harry felt tears sting his eyes. He was still upset about being pushed into talking and all the things he'd been forced to talk about. However, Snape had been calm and sympathetic without ever making Harry feel like he was being pitied.
He was thankful for the vial of dreamless sleep. He was even more thankful that the man had left it for him and hadn't been waiting to give it to him.
Harry finished applying the salve to his side and much of his body where he'd scratched himself up. He hoped it looked better tomorrow before he had to see Pomfrey.
Harry opened the door a crack and listened. He heard no sounds but thought Snape must still be downstairs.
He turned out the lights and settled into the bed. He sighed and pulled the cork from the vial and drank it down. The slow gentle rock of dreamless sleep soon had him drifting off, hoping tomorrow was a better day.
Severus cast his strongest silencing and privacy wards around his sitting room. When he was sure the room was properly sound proofed, he dropped his occlumency shields completely. Then he let out a guttural scream.
He pulled out his wand and shattered a lamp near his favorite chair and repaired it. He did this over and over envisioning the Dursley's heads exploding, like his felt about ready to do.
How? How could anyone treat a person that way? A child? They were completely depraved individuals. He wished them the most slow and painful death possible. If they ever crossed his path, he would show them just what he had in mind.
Listening to the boy explain had been heartbreaking. All the things he'd been forced to endure his entire life. A life he hadn't needed to live. Severus had ruined that child's life when he had betrayed Lily. He hadn't known then what he was taking to the Dark Lord.
The hits felt like they just kept coming too. Even after he had switched sides he could have done more for Harry. Lily had named him as a guardian. He could have taken the boy in. If he had only known.
Harry had never been allowed to live a normal life. He merely survived one horrific event only to face the next.
Severus sighed. He knew he would never outrun the regrets in his life.
He had heard Potter showering when he'd gone up to leave the dreamless sleep. He could hear the boy getting sick and crying.
Severus felt traitorous tears spill down his cheeks.
He summoned his firewhiskey and sat heavily in his chair. He poured a glass and took a large drink.
He thought on all Potter had said. All the things he hadn't said. How the boy had behaved.
Then he thought about the boy's behavior these last two weeks. The child was struggling so hard to just hold himself together.
Honestly, Severus thought knowing this side of Potter seemed quite a bit more like a Slytherin.
He swore to himself he would do what he could to help Potter. Not only see him through this war but recover from the rest of his childhood so that he might have a chance at a better future.
Severus sipped at his whiskey and thought.
He wiped his face and then reached into his shirt pocket. He pulled out the picture Mary had given him. His eyes traced over the red hair spilling over little shoulders. The smiling green eyes, so full of joy. He had let her down again.
"I'm sorry Lily." Severus said softly.