Chapter 27 – Unbearable Pain

The cawing of a bird woke me up. I squinted against the light and felt my limbs slowly come to life beneath me. A cold wind blew against me, and I automatically pulled the blanket up to my chin. My eyes took a moment to focus. They burned like I'd had little sleep.

I was lying in my bed at the Lightwoods' house. The opposite window was open and fresh morning air streamed in. I knew it was morning because the light fell into the room from the east. On the right side of the bed, Adam was sitting on a wooden chair that I had never used before and was meant for the desk.

For a moment I felt transported back to the day I had woken up in the infirmary at the New York Institute. After my mother had died. The thought of her reminded me again of the gaping hole in my stomach that had formed that day.

Adam's green eyes rested on me thoughtfully, but when he realized I was awake his lips curled into a soft smile. "You're finally awake."

I nodded, unsure of what else to do. I actually wanted to sit up, but every part of my body hurt. My muscles burned with every movement, no matter how small. Even as I raised my arm to brush a strand of red hair from my face. Overcome with a sudden tiredness, I lay back on the pillows and watched him.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, testing my voice. It sounded okay, not harsh and raspy like last time.

"I wanted to be there when you wake up after what happened," Adam explained in an almost caring tone that made me sit up and take notice. But I didn't have time to ask. "What else can you remember?"

"I drew a rune and created a portal that led us to a country house. That's where we discovered Ithuriel in an underground cave just like I've seen in my dreams," I said after pausing for several seconds to reflect on my last memories. It was all clear to me. "I was able to free Ithuriel, but then the cave collapsed. We tried to escape but there was no exit. So, I created another portal."

The last image in my mind was Jace's arms lifting me up and carrying me through the portal. I didn't remember getting to the other side. With a confused expression, I turned back to Adam.

"You saved our lives with the portal," Adam said calmly, but lowered his gaze and stared at his clasped hands on his lap. "You were very weak and wouldn't have made it through without Jace's help."

I swallowed my words. So Jace had actually saved my life. I just closed my eyes for a moment and sighed to myself. That couldn't be true. "Where has my portal taken us? Did you have a specific place in mind?"

"I was just thinking about Alicante, to be as close to the city as possible. Because of the shields," Adam explained, raising his eyes again to look at me. They sparkled in the sun like two emeralds. There was an overwhelming expression in them, and he curled his lips in a wide smile. "But it sent us right back to the training room we teleported from earlier. It's incredible."

I cared preciously little about how incredible the accuracy of my portal was. My general interest in the portal was negligible. I couldn't say why I felt this way. Maybe it was just this all-encompassing exhaustion. I wished to close my eyes and sleep a little more.

"We were lucky," Adam continued when I didn't say anything. He tried to ignore my indifference. "The room was empty when we came back. Our trainer left it shortly before because from his perspective, none of us showed up for training. We got help because you were unconscious. We were briefly afraid you had died, but the Silent Brothers said that you had used up your last reserves of strength."

I jumped at the mention of the Silent Brothers. "The Silent Brothers were there?"

Adam nodded and brown hair fell over his forehead. "We called them because you didn't wake up. They examined you in the Basilias. They don't know about the portal. I told them you hadn't had a rune applied to you in days and you collapsed while warming up."

"And what was the result of that?" I asked impatiently. The thought that the Silent Brothers had even touched me sent a chill down my spine. I had to shake off the image of their lifeless faces to focus on Adam again.

He didn't seem to notice my restlessness or was just very good at covering it up. "Because your stele was taken away from you and you weren't allowed to wear runes, you had a lot of energy built up in you," he explained further. "The Silent Brothers could only guess by our omission of all truth. But it's true that runes drain our reserves of strength. The rune for the portal just shut you down because it was too powerful. But that has an advantage as well." He nodded towards the bedside table on my left. There was a stele there.

I paused for a second, then took a closer look at it. "Is this …"

In response to my unfinished question, Adam nodded. "Yes, it is your mother's stele."

Almost immediately, my hand darted out from under the warm covers and grabbed the stele that had been lying just inches from my head all along. The familiar coolness of the adamas coursed through my body and quickened my pulse. For a while I just stared at the stele in my hands, looking for any sign of my mother. It wasn't difficult, since the pen-like body had a brush wrapped around it. It had been forged to the body during personalized manufacture.

"Why did they give it back to me?"

Adam avoided my gaze again and an uncomfortable feeling spread through me. "The Silent Brothers said that you must apply runes regularly. Otherwise, you risk another such outbreak."

At least they had given me my mother's stele. At least they allowed me to feel like a Shadowhunter again. Runes were a part of us that couldn't be taken away easily. The worst punishment the Clave could inflict on you was stripping your runes. It meant expulsion from the Nephilim community and life in the mundane world. Not on my worst day could I imagine such a life.

"That's good," Adam tried to explain. "We were lucky. While you were being treated in the Basilias, I was at home for a moment. Our trainer told Imogen that we weren't in the training room, so they already know we're not telling them the full truth. But with even Jace shutting up, they can't prove anything."

Another sigh escaped me, and I sank deeper into the pillows, hoping to be swallowed by the soft fabric. "That's not good," I whispered and closed my eyes wearily. How I wished to just roll over and go back to sleep. "The Inquisitor will freak out because sooner or later she always finds out. And then it won't be long before everyone knows. The Clave will certainly link it to my father and think he had something to do with it. As they do with everything they cannot control."

"The Clave is actually not like that. The story with your father just brought back a lot of old emotions. I wish you would think differently about us all," Adam said, rubbing his temple like he had a headache. His voice was neutral, but I could hear a faint note of regret.

He wasn't wearing his Shadowhunter gear anymore, but a pair of dark blue jeans and a tight-fitting white knit sweater. The black runes peeked out from his neck, as well as his forearms. He looked good. I had to realize surprisingly that I was actively thinking about it for the first time. I lifted my head and looked straight into his deep green eyes. Adam didn't notice, his gaze was still on his clasped hands. At that moment he sat so still that he could have been a statue. The only thing that told me otherwise was his chest heaving.

"My father used to say the same thing sometimes," I stated quietly. "He said that most Nephilim are good people. There would only be a handful that made the overall picture look bad."

Adam laughed to himself and finally raised his head. Dimples formed on his cheeks when he smiled. "It sounds really weird to say that, but ... I agree with him."

The warmth of his smile relaxed me. I felt a surge of contentment wash over me for a moment and couldn't help but smile back. I was really lucky to call Adam my friend. He was a gifted fighter, impartial, trusting and always had a friendly word on his lips. He didn't care who I was. What counted for him was what I did in the here and now. The past didn't matter. I quickly learned that there were very few people who could do that.

"I really don't think you have to worry too much. Like I said," Adam continued after a moment of silence. "I talked to my mom, and she said Imogen questioned Jace. He didn't tell them anything. Nothing at all. Not a single word."

My eyes widened in surprise. "He didn't tell them anything? That doesn't suit him at all ..." Although he hadn't told his grandmother about my nightly trip to the library either. Maybe he did believe me after all, after all he had seen the effects of the rune. He had seen Ithuriel and the vision he sent us.

"It surprises me too," Adam admitted and shrugged. "He was so obsessed with getting rid of you. Which is kind of understandable, after everything he had to go through. Ithuriel must have convinced him otherwise."

"Did Jace really save my life?" It wouldn't get into my head. He had threatened me with a dagger the first time we met. He only ever gave me malicious looks. Just a few days ago we had had a heated argument in the library. And now he was supposed to have saved my life?

Adam nodded and his eyes slid back down to his fingers. I could see from here how he clenched his teeth. I waited. Whenever something crossed his mind, he actually brought it up on his own.

"I'm sorry, Clary," he finally blurted out, completely throwing me off track with his words. "The moment in the cave– It was all so overwhelming. I was so fixated on not being buried by boulders that I didn't even pay attention to how you were doing. And then when you opened the portal, I thought that you would directly follow me. If I had known you couldn't do it yourself, I would have stayed there myself to help you."

I stared at Adam, unsure of what to say now. His eyes were fixed on me. There was an almost pleading expression in it, but he still managed to keep a Shadowhunter's honor and pride in his demeanor. He apologized but failed to portray his weakness as something reprehensible.

Another point I admired him for. Exposing your weaknesses to someone else and showing that you were aware of them was actually a sign of maturity. Still, I wasn't good at apologizing myself. I hated showing my weaknesses.

But I had to admit that I didn't really care about his apology. It was irrelevant. The fact that Jace had saved me seemed far more fatal. I shouldn't need any help at all. I should be strong enough to take care of myself. I was Clary Morgenstern. But you are not invincible. Was I invincible? Hardly likely. Nobody was invincible. I only considered myself invincible because I had received better training than other Shadowhunters my age. But Jace was definitely my equal, I'd only had to see him fight once for that.

My eyes wandered to Adam, who was waiting for a reaction from me. "You don't have to apologize to me, Adam. I didn't think for a second that you did anything wrong. You just walked through the portal, I wouldn't have thought twice if I were you." The only question was what the reason for the apology was. To demonstrate his sincerity to me, or to be at peace with himself? I wanted to believe Adam was doing it for me. But my father had taught me better. Don't trust someone you hardly know or don't know at all.

"But I saw how bad you felt afterwards," Adam said in a nonjudgmental voice. His arms tensed under the white sweater, as if he needed some sort of release from the tension. "As you lay there on the floor, and I assumed you were dead ... I've never felt so scared."

My eyes searched his. The cold wind made my skin shiver. Trust no one. The theory was always much easier than practice. I trusted him, it became clear to me in that moment. A small smile graced my lips. "But I live."

"And I'm very glad about that." He didn't return my smile. My own smile disappeared. I waited and felt the mood change. Adam hesitated. "There is something else."

My heart started beating wildly, although I didn't even know what was to come next. My stomach clenched and I felt the fear well up in me. Was it an instinct? I couldn't tell. All I knew was that my hands clenched into fists, and I watched Adam's lips part as he began to speak again. A tortured mask lay on his face.

Adam avoided my gaze as he spoke. "The Clave has chosen to bury your mother in the Cemetery of the Disgraced. Her funeral will take place today." His voice was no more than a breath, and now it lacked any honor due a Shadowhunter.

I was unable to reply to that. Cemetery of the Disgraced. I knew what about that. Every child knew. There the Nephilim were buried who, in the eyes of the Clave, were disgraced, criminals, or traitors.

My mother's face appeared in my mind's eye. Her lovely smile, her good nature, her courage. She was the most honorable woman I knew. Certainly not a criminal and certainly not a traitor. Of course, the Clave saw things differently. Actually, I should have guessed.

"Clary, you have no idea how sorry I am. I didn't know her well but–" He had sat on the edge of the bed and raised his hand as if to reach for something invisible in the air.

I flinched and jumped out of bed. "And that's the problem," I hissed. "None of you knew her. You just judged her like that."

My hands began to tremble, and I felt anger erupt within me. There was hardly anything worse than being buried in the Cemetery of the Disgraced. It meant that the soul would not be reunited with our sisters and brothers in the Silent City. There would be a lonely afterlife, cut off from the light of the Nephilim community. Being alone in death was the last thing I wanted for my mother. She did not deserve it.

In one quick movement my head turned to Adam, and I watched him slowly get up off the bed and raise his arms reassuringly. He had known all along and waited until he apologized to me and I forgave him. How could I have trusted him for even a second? What friend would do that to you? As after my mother's death, he had tried to wrap me in cotton wool.

"If you want, I'll take you there. Then you're not alone."

"You actually think I want you at my mother's funeral?" I growled at him, and he flinched. He had just told me that not everyone in the Clave was bad. And yet a majority had voted for my mother's burial without honour. In that moment I realized that maybe they were all my enemies after all. They would never accept me, would do anything to harm me and my family.

Anger coursed through my veins, and I felt it bring to life the power runes on my forearms. I closed my eyes and breathed in the cool morning air. The tiredness was gone.

Adam came around the bed. "Listen, Clary. I'm just the bearer of the message. I didn't vote against you. You know I would never do that." And now he begged again for understanding for his actions.

"You weren't honest or sincere with me," I ground out tightly, having to pause to keep my voice from breaking out. "I'm taking you out now." I didn't know what I would do if he stayed here and stuck his innocent facade on me just a second longer.

Adam stood petrified for a moment, but then started moving as I approached him. He walked in front of me but was obviously trying to put more distance between us. His steps were quick and the stairs to the ground floor were crossed in no time at all. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs and watched Adam like an eagle.

My fingers were shaking, and I feared I would burst into tears at any second. The bridge between anger and sadness was very short. I didn't know which pain was worse: knowing that my mother was dead or knowing that she would have an eternal lonely death. The hole in my stomach ripped open like a nearly healed wound and the pain made me see stars. I had to hold on to the railing to keep from tipping over.

"Clary ..." Adam's tone was pleading. He didn't see my pain. He only saw the anger in my eyes, blaming him for his actions. What was he going to do? Apologize again to clear his conscience? "Say something."

"No," I replied in a choked voice. I feared drowning in pain. "There's nothing I have to say to you right now."

"What should I have done? Should I have thrown that at you right after you woke up? Like you didn't almost die yesterday? I didn't mean to attack you, I was waiting for the right time." Adam stared at me, his voice raised and now a little angry himself. I preferred it to the false mask of regret.

"There's no right time for something like that," I snapped at him, tightening my grip on the wooden railing. "I'm not made of cotton, Adam. If you have such personal information, then do not hesitate! I don't need you to protect me from this. I am much stronger than you."

I could see that I had hit his ego. He narrowed his eyes and straightened his shoulders. "If you say that. I only wanted what was best for you."

"You presume to know what's best for me?" My voice had risen again. "You'd better go."

"Does it really have to end like this, Clary?"

My instincts got the best of me. My body acted faster than my mind. Adam Demonhunter had to learn who he was dealing with here. My hand grabbed the vase that stood on a shelf by the stairs and threw it at him with full force. He just managed to dodge. The vase smashed against the wall with a bang. Adam widened his eyes in shock.

My angry scream followed immediately. "Get out before I lose control."

A lot of news Clary has to process now. She'll have to find her piece, find a way to grieve for her mom. Do you feel for her? What do you think about Adam's behaviour? Do you understand Clary's anger towards him or is she overreacting?

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See you next week,

Skyllen :)