Chapter 31 – About Enemies and Friendship

Adam shouted something, but I didn't understand it. All I heard was a rumble as he ran up the steps to the ring and launched himself at Jace. For a moment, Jace remained undeterred by the Shadowhunter. His dark gaze was still fixed on me, but I could see the heat in his eyes starting to fade. The grip around my neck eased and I opened my mouth to catch air. Meanwhile, Adam continued to tug on Jace's arm to shake him out of his energy rush.

Jace released his hand so suddenly that I fell to the floor, completely unprepared. I heard him gasp and when I looked up he jumped back three steps. His golden pupils were dilated and he was looking around the hall at a frantic pace, as if looking for someone. Adam had stumbled forward at Jace's abrupt retreat and stared at him in amazement.

Jace looked at Adam and then past him at me. I didn't want to know what I had to look like. The blood was pounding in my ears and my heart was racing in my chest. My lungs, which nearly collapsed for the second time today, could barely keep up with getting enough oxygen into my body. I had to brace myself with both hands on the ground to keep from collapsing in a fit of dizziness. For a long time, my gasping for breath was the only sound I heard. Then, as my body got over the initial nausea, the shock set in. My fingers started to tremble and I wanted nothing more than to jump up and leave this room behind. I wanted to run as far as my legs would take me, but in my condition I probably wouldn't even reach the door.

Adam got on his knees in front of me and lifted my head towards him with his right hand. Our eyes met and my cheeks turned flaming red. What shame I brought to my family. I was Clarissa Morgenstern, yet unable to even control my appearance after an attack. Admittedly, he had attacked me unprepared. Regardless, such a scene was totally inappropriate for a warrior like me. It might be if you'd ever witnessed a real fight, a small voice whispered in my head, which I scrupulously ignored. I could tell myself whatever I wanted. It wouldn't change the fact that my father wouldn't have been happy with my performance. And while I was no longer accountable to him, it was important to me to maintain the level at which I had trained under him. Only then would I be able to stop him.

"I'm fine," I croaked, shaking off the thought of my father and pulling away from Adam's touch. I'd meant to sound unconcerned, but my vocal cords had also been damaged under Jace's attack. Angry at myself, I jumped to my feet and almost fell backwards out of the ring, struggling to keep my balance.

Adam eyed me suspiciously but moved away a bit. Still, he looked me up and down, probably looking for other possible injuries. "I'm fine," I repeated after clearing my throat, struggling to bring out the sharpness in my words. Adam's constant mothering made me look even weaker.

Jace was still staring at me like he was going to black out. But now he had his emotions under control again. I could see him trying to hide them behind his usual mask of coldness and indifference. He didn't manage. The shock was clearly visible on him. The cracks in his walls were too deep for him to heal in a matter of seconds. Every fiber of his body was tense and I expected every second that he would turn around and storm off. But that wasn't Jace's style, although I could only imagine that there was nothing he would have preferred more to do at that moment.

I wondered if he could remember the last few minutes. The look in his eyes betrayed a deep horror I had seldom seen in anyone before. I realized with a pang in my heart that it reminded me of Valentine. He'd looked similar when Jonathan had pierced my mother's chest with the angel's sword.

As Jace looked at me and I at him, I couldn't shake the feeling that he actually remembered. This outburst he had just experienced shook him to the core. I could feel it even though his face was as blank as a blank sheet of paper. Not a tiny part of his brain had believed that he too could have such powers. He had already expressed his clear doubts to his grandmother. There was only one question that I couldn't answer. Was Jace just stunned that he hadn't been able to control those overwhelming powers, or was he also concerned that he had used them against me?

For a moment I wondered if maybe he regretted it. Then Adam woke me from my rigid state. It was just a small movement in the corner of my eye, but it was enough to snap me out of my thoughts. I would have enough time to daydream later. I breathed in and tasted the air in the room. It was stuffy, dry, musty, but also bloody. A hair-raising, metallic taste. My lungs had mostly recovered. Breathing and thus the other movements of my body were a little easier for me. The renewed energy in my veins made it a little easier to bring my focus back to the real problem.

Before Jace could step forward and speak, I whirled on Kadir. Not a second passed before I stalked up on him menacingly and furiously. I ignored the pangs in my lungs because there was no time for weakness now. A hot anger welled up deep within me, driving out any sense of pain.

"I've seen quite a bit, Kadir, but your dishonorable behavior is actually new to me," I called out to him as if he were standing on the other side of the training hall. My fingers still trembled, but anger turned the tremor into a controlled pulse. My voice was loud, controlled, and haughty, and it made the rest of the Shadowhunters in the hall jump. Now, for the first time, they would see what an angry Clarissa Morgenstern looked like. I enjoyed being sure of their eyes on my back. None of them should underestimate me. Ever.

"If you want me dead, you should have faced me in single combat. That's how a true man of honor would have done it," I continued with my unmistakable tirade. The words came pouring out of me like a waterfall and I couldn't hold them back. The roar from my mouth echoed off the walls. This tantrum was long overdue. "Instead, you set an already troubled Jace on me, who, as everyone knows, despises me!"

I was so angry that I really briefly considered pouncing on Kadir. He'd exposed me, showing everyone here how vulnerable I was when the element of surprise wasn't on my side. Kadir had tried to kill me, even if he hadn't tried it with his own hands. I hated that feeling. I hated him. No one was allowed to play games like that with me and then get away with it.

I stood a meter away from him. Kadir loomed over me with his broad shoulders, dark eyes, and angry expression. He is so close to me. Anger and shame boiled up inside me and they were a dangerous mix. My eyes fell on his belt for a split second and my brain made a decision before my mind could react.

My right hand shot out and ripped the dagger from his weapons belt before he could even move. Then I raised my arm and aimed Kadir's dagger squarely at his chest. The distance between his armor and the blade was only centimeters. If I wanted to, I could kill him here and now. The widening in his eyes told me Kadir knew it too.

"Go on," I said, still in a short-tempered, hissing voice. "I'm attacking you, now I'm giving you a reason to fight me. You want to kill me? Now is your chance!"

Kadir didn't have time to respond to my threat. Foreign fingers wrapped around my knuckle and my hand was pulled back from Kadir's chest. I turned my head and was about to throw a heated insult at Adam. A hiss left my throat as Jace's face appeared in front of me. He was standing half behind and half beside me, his hand gripping my arm with such intensity I feared he had slipped back into his trance.

My confused look caught him as unprepared as his action caught me. Jace threw me off and for a moment I forgot what I was about to do. I turned toward him, though I didn't lower my arm, but I didn't try to break free of his grip either. Our eyes met and he surprised me by dropping the walls he used to isolate himself from the rest of the world most of the time. Guilt, horror, and anger ran down Jace's face and again I was reminded of the moment when Jonathan had killed my mother. Back then, in those minutes that had felt like years, there was a second when he had let his wall fall too.

"My grandmother will take care of him. This isn't the time," Jace said, his voice firm but different than usual. Less distant. Less unfriendly. Maybe even vulnerable.

We exchanged a second, long look. Jace nodded at me and I saw the request in his eyes. I sighed and gave up my attack stance. The dagger landed on the ground with a clatter and spun on its own axis for a short while before it lay motionless. Jace immediately released me and stepped back from me. "Thank you."

Had Jace ever thanked me? I was not sure. Not many people thanked me these days and I didn't really know what to say in return. So I just shrugged and turned my back on the two Shadowhunters. The anger still flared in my fingertips. If I couldn't make Kadir pay for what he did, I didn't want to spend a minute in a room with him any longer than I had to.

I had already put a little distance between Kadir and myself when his mocking laugh filled the hall. "I guess I was wrong. Apparently, it's no longer the Morgensterns who give the orders, but the Herondales."

In a flash, I whirled on Kadir and charged back at him. Jace had also distanced himself from him, probably because he hadn't expected such a reaction from Kadir either. He turned back to him too, but his face was focused on me. Because he knew Kadir was no threat to me, but I was to him. Jace shook his head and a sudden panic flashed in his eyes as he read the furious expression in mine.

"If you were half the Shadowhunter that Jace is, you wouldn't have hidden your personal vengeance behind him and dealt with the matter yourself. So don't try to lecture me with your theories," I hissed in a low, almost growling tone.

Then, I slapped Kadir across the face with such force that his bottom lip split open and he staggered to the side. A satisfied smile formed on my lips as his blood spattered onto the floor of the hall. His eyes, wide with shock, fixed on me. Kadir might be several heads taller than me, but that didn't scare me. Actions were the only way to earn my respect.

Now that there was nothing more for me to do here, I turned again towards the exit and disappeared through the door. This time, Kadir did the only right thing: he stayed silent.

oOo

After that disastrous training session, I'd stormed back to the Lightwoods home in disarray, Adam hot on my heels. I'd yelled at him and ordered him to piss off before I lost it. But Adam had insisted on accompanying me, even if he was only doing the Inquisitor's will. So that nobody could accuse me afterwards. I knew he wasn't telling the truth, but Adam just wouldn't be put off. He had a disturbingly stubborn character, I noticed at the moment.

Adam hadn't said another word and that was fine with me. I was still beside myself with rage and had to turn my thoughts to the clothing and grocery stores ahead of me lest I turn and stab Kadir in the chest after all.

At the Lightwoods, Maryse was aghast at what had happened. I succinctly told her what had happened, adding that I was sure Jace would tell her the full story later. I didn't feel able to review the past few hours. It was a feeling of aggression and fear deep in my stomach that made me bile at the thought of Jace's angry face from earlier. My legs started shaking and I had to hold on to the blue table in the living room to keep my footing.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Maryse asked in a worried tone, but when I looked up at her, her eyes seemed far away. Something about my story bothered her.

I shook my head dismissively. "I'm fine." It was a lie. The shock was buried in my bones and I was already dreading going upstairs to my room. The feeling in my stomach made me uneasy. The insides of my palms glowed. The hair on the back of my neck stood up at the thought of having to be alone soon. Was this the start of a panic attack?

"I'll get a healer to look at your throat," Maryse continued, ignoring my words. "It doesn't look fine, Clary."

"It'll be fine," I lied again and shrugged, pushing myself off the blue living room table and taking a step back.

"How could Kadir abuse our trust like that?" Isabelle whispered from the sofa. She had also been there when I returned, accompanied by Adam. Her glossy black hair fell down her back in strands of curls, and she wore a weapon-belt with several daggers and a seraph blade around her waist. She must have wanted to train too. "In New York, he's your first officer. He can't allow himself such a behavior!"

I was puzzled that Isabelle would side with me, but that might only be because Jace had been used as a weapon in the process of Kadir's plan. Her eyebrows were drawn into angry lines and she had pressed her red-painted lips together as if trying to hold back any more words.

In contrast to her, Maryse remained calm, even if it was evident that she was by no means pleased with Kadir's actions. "I'll have to talk to him," she answered her daughter mechanically, not looking up from the world map on the table, which her brown eyes were fixed on. "Imogen will in no way condone his behavior. So this is going to have an impact on his position in the brigade."

My head was pounding. I wanted nothing more to do than lie down in my bed and sleep for a long time. Isabelle's gaze met mine just as I was about to turn to leave. She seemed to hesitate, bit her lower lip, and finally jumped to her feet. "You look pale, Clary," she said, trying to sound exuberant. "Come, I'll help you to your room."

Her willingness to help surprised me. Not knowing how to politely rebuff her, I just nodded and Isabelle quickly cut across the living room and grabbed my arm. She was a fair bit taller than me in her heeled boots. She looked down at me almost carefully and I wondered why she was suddenly being so nice.

It turned out that her help really came in handy. On the way back to the house I had been fine, I had been able to push the pain away from me. But now it was everywhere. My lungs spasmed with every breath I took, and I had a hard time swallowing because my throat was swollen. The lack of oxygen affected my coordination and I was extremely uncomfortable that Isabelle was contributing more to the stairs than I was.

When we finally got to my room on the second floor, fifteen minutes had passed, and we were both out of breath. "You didn't have to do that."

"I know," Isabelle replied as I sat down on my bed, my head spinning. The way she'd emphasized those two little words, she gave the impression of wanting to say more. But she said nothing. So I looked up.

Up until now, Isabelle had mostly struck me as a majestic personality. Her head was always erect, her back always straight, and her appearance always tasteful. She had an imperious if arrogant air. But when I looked at her now, she seemed a little lost. She stood in the middle of my room, her dark eyes fixed on the carpet at my feet and her lips pursed unhappily. The confident Shadowhunter who had uninhibitedly – if a little awkwardly – offered to help me was gone. Now she resembled her brother a lot more.

"Are you okay, Isabelle?" I asked cautiously. I feared she would react defensively to my concern, as Jace usually did.

"I'm just trying to find the right words," Isabelle explained, nervously ruffling her long hair. Then she straightened up to her full height and looked me straight in the face. "Now that might sound weird, but I think I have to say it to set things right."

I braced myself for a threat like the one she'd uttered shortly after we had first met in New York. But Isabelle surprised me when she continued in an uncomfortable voice and looked down again. "I think it's time I apologize to you, Clary. As you may know, I was rather unkind to you when you first arrived. There were reasons for that and I think you understand them better than anyone."

I nodded silently, trying not to show emotion. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that it seemed to jump out of me at any second. "I've been holding back as much as I can for the past few weeks, trying to form my own opinions independent of Jace's feelings. Unlike Alec, whose ability to do so is limited by his Parabatai oath, your behavior struck me as odd from the start."

Embarrassed, Isabelle shifted from one foot to the other. "What I mean to say is that I've been watching you closely for the past few weeks and wondered if a spy for Valentine would act the way you did. At first I thought you were a traitor, but then your mother died …" She stopped when she saw me flinch. "I can't imagine, with the best will in the world, sacrificing my mother for my father. Never. No matter what he promises me. Ever since you arrived, the bond with your mother has seemed much closer than what I could ever have with my own mother." Eventually, she shook her head, finding herself lost in an uncontrolled flow of words.

"I'm sorry, I'm losing the thread," she said, laughing uproariously. Then she raised her hands in the air, probably to calm herself. Whatever she actually wanted to say to me, it was incredibly difficult for her to get the message across. "I owe you an apology. In the last few days, it has become clear to me that by no stretch of the imagination, you cannot be who the Clave wants you to be. You are a lost Shadowhunter. You are one of us and I finally realized that. Even Jace, who has every reason to hate you, is slowly beginning to thaw. When he looks at you, I can see that his opinion of you is slowly but surely changing."

"Thank you, Isabelle," I whispered. Her words touched me. "It means a lot to me, but you don't need to apologize. Your reaction was justified. I don't think I would have acted differently if I were you."

"Yes, I had to apologize," Isabelle quickly retorted, shaking her head, causing her hair to fly in a wild motion. "Of course, that doesn't mean we can all live happily ever after. It doesn't change the fact that your father threatens our world. It's not your fault, but you still have to do whatever it takes to stop him. And I will support you in this. We may not be friends, but maybe someday we can be when all of this is over."

It was going to be a long and arduous journey and I had no idea how to stop my father and Jonathan. When I thought of them, they seemed almost overpowering to me with angelic swords and armies of demons. What was I supposed to do against them? Still, a small smile spread across my face at the thought of friendship with Isabelle. A bizarre thought that hardly seemed possible to me until now. Isabelle and I, friends?

I nodded slowly, raising my head to look at Isabelle who was still uncertainly standing in front of me and my smile widened. "When all of this is over."

Please subscribe and comment if you liked this chapter! Thank you so much to everyone who already did! I'm reading all your comments and I'm very grateful! It's so sad that you can't answer to them! :( To the anonymous Clary Fray: I see you haha. Thank you, I love you.

Skyllen :3