Chapter 46 – After Dark

Somewhere between Angel Square and the Basilias, I finally lost consciousness. A protective mechanism of my body that was long overdue. I couldn't figure out how it hadn't shut down much sooner after everything I'd thrown at it today.

The heart in my chest was racing. So fast that under normal conditions I might have grabbed my chest. But my muscles were rigid as stone. My lungs constricted and I felt like I was choking. All I could do was sit in the dark for minutes, listening to Jace's feet on the ground, and waiting for my sanity to regain consciousness. It felt like I was beneath the frozen surface of a lake, unable to break through the ice.

Jace must have reached the Basilias because suddenly the sounds around us changed. His footsteps began to reverberate, the icy wind against my skin dissipated, and his breathing seemed to calm. As if relieved to have left the defenseless streets of Alicante behind.

My mind was still pounding against the frozen sheet of ice, so clear that most of my senses could discern what was happening beyond. It was as if every second I endured in the darkness tightened the knot around my chest. As if this alien feeling of panic was digging deeper and deeper into my body. Like a poison that spread further and further the longer the antidote was delayed.

Then, just as fear had reached my fingertips and made me tremble, my mind suddenly managed to damage the ice. A crack hissed, grating through the hard frost, and a mixture of screams and sobs escaping my dry tongue scratched my throat and made me gasp. A second later the ice broke into thousands of small pieces and the water from below pushed me up. My head broke the surface and my lids flew open.

Reality took a moment to focus. My lips parted breathlessly and I let oxygen rush into my hot lungs. I was shivering from the cold, having just jumped from such an icy death, but my body was burning with heat. My muscles were sweating, and I could feel the warm drops running down my neck.

It took me far too long to realize that I wasn't actually in Jace's arms anymore, I was sitting on a mattress. My legs weren't long enough for my boots to reach the floor over the edge of the bed.

I blinked and looked up. Jace stood in front of me. His chest heaved as if he were out of breath. We were so close that my knees touched his legs. But that wasn't what worried me. My brain couldn't bring itself to come up with a reasonably clear thought. Jace's wide golden eyes were fixed on me. He looked more than worried. His lips were moving ... but I couldn't hear what he was saying.

There was a loud, piercing beeping in my ears that had blocked out every other sound. I had just heard his footsteps moments ago ... His hands had gripped my shoulders. My body was still shaking beneath me. My lungs were still trying in vain to gasp for air. My heart was still beating way too fast.

I narrowed my eyes and focused on Jace's lips; trying to guess what he was saying. He spoke too fast. Too hurried. The knot around my chest only seemed to tighten. I shook my head vehemently and tried to tear myself away from him. At the same time, I raised my voice, but there were no words in my head. Even if I had said something, I couldn't be sure if he would have understood. I couldn't hear them myself after all.

Rarely in my life had I felt so helpless. Never to be exact. The fact that Jace was there and seeing the panic tugging at me only made things worse. I closed my eyes to avoid seeing him. Blake did this to me. The fear in my veins seemed to stop at the thought. Blake. The memory of his face in my mind's eye caused a surge of anger. Blake had exposed me; he had undermined my pride.

I wanted to do to him what he had done to me. Worse. I wanted to kill him. The desire flared up in me so fiercely that I flinched; surprised at myself. Was I really that vindictive? Who was I to want him dead? But he had wanted to kill me, wasn't that a valid reason? Everything I'd heard about Blake so far didn't really set him apart as a person to be missed.

"Clary, please stop crying," Jace's voice said, and I winced again. Something cracked on the back of my neck as I snapped my head up.

Again, as before, I hadn't noticed the deafening beeping disappear. Jace's eyes met mine and for a moment I was too stunned to speak. This calm that suddenly filled the room was ... odd. As if someone would break through it again at any second and replace it with another loud roar.

Now that it was finally quiet, my brain started to work. What did he just say? I opened my mouth to reply; to tell Jace how ridiculous he sounded. Again not a word escaped my lips. My body froze beneath me again. I listened to the silence and was startled to realize that it wasn't completely silent. My breathing was too loud, like I had just run a marathon. But worse than that, worse than any feeling of helplessness in my chest, was the whimpering that erupted in my throat. I slowly raised a shaky hand and rubbed my index and middle finger across my cheek. I stared at the wet fingertips in disbelief.

I would kill Blake Ashdown. That much was certain.

"I think you're having a panic attack," Jace whispered hoarsely. His voice sounded far away. As if he wanted to turn on his heel and run away. I couldn't blame him. I wanted him to do just that. How could I ever look him in the eye again after acting like a child?

"I ..." I faltered at the tearful tone. If fear didn't have me in its claws before, it certainly had now. The fact of seeing the tears on my fingers took the fear to a whole other level. I couldn't even put my finger on what exactly it was that scared the shit out of me. All I knew was that with every second I crouched weakly in front of Jace, my windpipe was closing off further. Panic shot through my veins like freezing cold and suddenly I felt like I was going to fall. I didn't want him to see me hit the ground. Especially not when I'd never experienced it myself.

"You should go," I managed to say, pushing Jace away from me so his hands could no longer grip my shoulders; so that his legs could no longer touch my knees. "Now."

The panic had crept into my voice and it was showing on Jace's face. I avoided looking at him directly; didn't want to see the emotion reflected in his eyes. "I'm not going anywhere," he said suddenly, and with such intensity that it would have annoyed me if that hole in my middle weren't about to tear me apart.

"Go, Jace," I repeated. Anger and fear mixed in my tone, which was rising as my own emotions boiled over. I felt like I was going to burst and freak out at any moment.

Jace shook his head vehemently. His fingers closed around my wet cheeks, and I flinched at the thought of tears. His almost iron grip didn't relax. Again, he approached me until our legs touched. He turned my face so I had no choice but to look at him. "For once stop hidingyour feelings from me. What the hell did your father do to you that–"

Jace knew they were the wrong words. His eyes widened and regret flashed across his face, but the words were out.

"Get out!" The words were a single angry hiss.

"No!" Jace hissed back without hesitation. But his fingers softened around my cheeks, brushing away the tears that wouldn't stop flowing. He didn't move away from me, on the contrary, he just seemed to be getting closer. "You're scared, I understand that, and you don't have to pretend to me. Please stop pretending. You almost died. It's normal for you to feel this way right now. But please talk to me. Please don't exclude me."

"What do you want to hear?" I whispered in a tone that was half spiteful and half desperate. "I feel like shit for being so weak. I should've been able to–"

"No," Jace stopped me, actually putting a finger to my lips to shut me up. For a moment I was so astonished that I forgot the panic in my veins. "No. Don't tell me what your father would've said. You're not weak. You are hurt. That's the only reason he even dared attack you."

Another tremor ran through my body, and I lowered my head, hiding my face behind dirty strands of red hair. My fingers trembled and needing to hold onto something, I squeezed them together until my knuckles turned white.

Soft hands smoothed my hair out of my face in gentle movements. I tried to lean away, but Jace wouldn't be shaken off. Not today. Not now. Not after what had happened. "Strong are those who allow themselves to be weak," he murmured confidently, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

There was no point arguing with Jace because I couldn't fool him. It should annoy me. The part of me that was free of pride was glad – grateful even. There weren't many who cared enough for me to bother to see through my wall. I knew people like him were rare. People who changed their minds. Who saw the world and noticed the truth, even if it hurt. I wasn't sure I would have been able to do that in his position.

So I closed my eyes and pressed my trembling body against his – letting the warmth of his own embrace me. I clenched my eyes and tried to calm my heart – trying to forget Blake and what I had thought was my place of death. I had been so convinced that I was going to die today that I still hadn't quite understood why things had turned out differently.

At that moment, a door opened behind my back and Jace and I practically jumped apart – he rather than I, since I was sitting down. Startled, we turned around, Jace already halfway into attack position. Even now – even here – we weren't safe from Blake. Not one hundred percent. We had seen what his mad mind could do. What limits he was willing to cross.

But it was not Blake who now entered the room like a ghost. It was a Silent Brother. Only now did I register where I was. I hadn't wasted any thought on that until now. The white room in the Basilias. No big surprise. The Silent Brother was a greater one.

Good night, his goose bumps-inducing voice whispered in my head. Completely unimpressed by the noticeably tense atmosphere. Completely detached from any feeling. Jace froze next to me. Neither of us moved an inch. Even the panic in my stomach seemed to stop. I am here to ease Clarissa's pain.

It didn't take more to revive another fear. I firmly shook my head and tried to jump off the bed. An arm around my waist kept me from doing so. Jace knew the Silent Brothers scared the hell out of me. Still, he didn't let me escape. After all the encounters with the Brothers, I should know better, but right now, I wasn't able to.

You need not fear. I already knew Brother Shadrach, but that was no consolation. Not in the physical state I was in and with the fear that seemed to snuff out all rationality. I will just give you the morphine and then I will go. The Brother moved towards the bed and waited. Jace stood next to me and squeezed my hand.

oOo

In fact, Jace's handsqueeze around my trembling fingers was the last thing I remembered waking up hours later. My head couldn't conjure up images of Brother Shadrach injecting me with the morphine or leaving the room afterwards.

I squinted around in the darkness, but could only make out vague outlines of the room. I lay in my bed wrapped in two blankets, one on top of the other, and stumbled for a second. I had been cold when Jace had brought me to the Basilias. But that cold? Right now I felt like I was being smothered by the heat, locked with my body under the thick fabric.

I slowly raised my arm, but stopped as the weakness spread through my muscles. Exhausted, I lowered it again. In my eighteen years I hadn't often been sick, but when I had, it had mostly felt like how I felt at that moment. Tired, drained, powerless. As if I could still sleep for days if I just closed my eyes again. But this heat ... It would keep me awake. Sweat was already running down my temples.

"Clary?" someone mumbled from my right. I jumped when I felt a touch on my legs. It was only now that the weight of Jace's head was off the mattress that I even realized it had been there.

Jace turned his head in my direction, but the blackness swallowed his face. I thought back to the day before the Clave meeting, waking up in the middle of the night to find him beside my bed. The fact that he was here reassured me. Being alone in a house full of Shadowhunters, not all of whom sympathized with me, made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Especially in the state I was in right now. Especially after Blake's recent attack.

"Are you alright?" Jace asked when I didn't answer. The sleep one had been able to hear seconds ago had disappeared from his voice. Suddenly I had a guilty conscience that he had given up a bed for days because of me.

I nodded and then shook my head at the thought that he couldn't see any of my movements. "I'm better, I think," I ventured, amazed at how rested I sounded. Still weak and thin, but worlds better than I last remembered. I listened to myself for a moment and was relieved to find that the fear was gone. Something was bubbling up deep in my chest that I would have to pay attention to in due course, but for the moment my body seemed too exhausted for strong emotions.

"My wound hardly hurts anymore," I then added, my hand automatically going down to the bandage covering the scar where the demon had pierced me with its spike near Morgenstern Manor. The spot still throbbed a little, but I focused more on the heat of my skin. "I'm so warm."

"You were shaking the whole time," Jace replied, getting out of his chair. "Even after lying in bed under the covers, you didn't stop. I thought a second one would help." He grabbed the top layer of fabric and gently pulled it back before folding it at the foot of the bed. "Better?"

"A little. Can you open the window?"

"It's already open," he explained through gritted teeth and pressed a flat hand against my forehead. "I'm really bad at this, but I think you've got a fever. You should sweat it out."

I sighed to myself and rolled onto my side, hoping to find a better lying position. Instead, I found myself inches from Jace's face, who had pulled his chair closer to the bed. I couldn't see him, but my instincts told me he was there. His silent breath touched my skin.

"How long did I sleep?" My voice was hoarse. Nervous.

"Three days," Jace said quietly.

My brows shot up, suddenly forgetting his closeness to me. Three days? "It can't be," I said, amazed. "I just fell asleep."

Jace laughed. "You slept like a log. A war could've broken out and you probably wouldn't have noticed."

"Did anything happen while I was out of action?" I hesitated, unsure whether to hang on to the second question. Just thinking the words caused some of the emotions brewing deep within me to surface. "What about Blake?"

I felt Jace's shoulders tighten. "I've been here most of the time so I can only relay what Izzy told me. After finding out what he's done, she came close to burning his house down. Alec and Maryse almost had to lock her in her room to stop her."

I knew Jace was exaggerating. Probably to make me laugh. But the thought of Blake walking around out there – doing well, undisturbed, fanatical – and facing no punishment got my blood pumping. My hands clenched into fists and I had to clench my teeth to hold back the words. He will pay.

"Izzy says I got him pretty bad. Anyone who looks at him will immediately see that he lost his last fight." Jace didn't sound happy with himself, more comforting, as if hoping to cheer me up. He could try for a long time. I wouldn't cheer until Blake's blood was on my fingers.

When I didn't reply again, just continued to stare into the darkness where his face must be, he continued. Not fast, like he's dying to fill me in on everything. More like he didn't know if he wanted to deliver the news at all. "The Clave has temporarily disabled the city gates to allow the Shadowworlders to enter. Alicante is full of them now and it takes time … getting used to it. Not because they misbehave, they don't. They're all surprisingly quiet and reserved. Like they hate being here as much as the Shadowhunters want them here. Many families have offered rooms but most sleep in the Accords Hall."

"Sounds fun," I murmured. The thought of a bunch of Downworlders sleeping just a few buildings away from the Basilias made me uneasy.

"The Council has already been formed. Luke speaks for the werewolves. They elected Alec to represent the Nephilim." Now it was Jace who sounded dissatisfied.

"Alec?" My surprise was unmistakable. "I figured we'd be represented by either Imogen or Malachi."

"Malachi wants nothing to do with this body." Jace chuckled. "My grandmother has no great interest in dealing with the Shadowworlders either. Alec volunteered and since no one else on the Clave was keen on the job either, he got elected."

While I was still skeptical of Alec, I didn't think he was the wrong choice. He knew the Downworlders because he had grown up outside of Alicante. He wasn't a proponent of any radical politics and seemed to hate Valentine – and me – enough that he would work side by side with them. There would be compromises with him, which in our current situation probably wasn't the worst. We couldn't afford to have someone on the Council who would continually reject every suggestion from the other clans.

"What about the other seats?"

"Raphael Santiago speaks for the vampires and Magnus Bane for the warlocks," Jace said with a sigh. "As for the fairies ... my grandmother is still planning our trip to the Seelie Court. We'll leave as soon as you're well."

"Is she serious?" I sometimes wondered if Imogen Herondale was having fun herding me around like a servant. "My father still needs the blood of a fairy child. I'm sure he's had plenty of opportunity to hunt for one in the three days I've been lying around here."

"Please don't argue with me about her." Jace sounded drawn, as if he didn't have the nerve for the conversation. "I've tried to persuade her, but she insists we visit the queen."

"She's going to be the death of me." Frowning in exasperation, I turned on the other side, my back now to Jace. How much easier would my time in Alicante have been so far if Imogen hadn't tripped me for the hundredth time?

I clenched my eyelids and tried to focus my mind on something else. However, it wasn't long before I lost the thread and exhaustion gradually pulled me back down. My body was still drained, still weak, so I voluntarily surrendered to restful sleep. I barely felt Jace's eyes on the back of my neck.

oOo

A loud rumble startled me. My body jerked up before I could even open my eyes. Light flooded the room through the windows. Jace was sitting in the chair to the right of my bed, just as I remembered him. He was leaning forward, balancing a book in his right hand. In his other hand he held mine. At least for a split second before the door slammed open and Isabelle appeared in the doorway.

Jace jumped up, his fingers already on his weapon-belt, and began cursing when he recognized Isabelle. "By the Angel, Izzy, you don't barge into a sick person's room like that!"

Isabelle's eyes gleamed with smugness and she stuck her tongue out at Jace before strutting into the room with a swinging stride. Her raven hair shone in the sunlight; Jace must have pulled the curtains aside at some point. A grin spread across her red-stained lips as she met my gaze. "Oh, Clary, I'm so glad to finally see you conscious."

"She's only conscious because you banged the door against the wall like you're about to tear this place down," Jace hissed, but sat back in his chair. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him push him a little farther away from me as inconspicuously as possible. Instead of showing a reaction, I focused my attention on Isabelle.

"Nice to see you too," I replied, but sleep made my voice hoarse. Now my eyes darted questioningly to Jace, brows raised questioningly. "How long did I sleep this time?"

"Two days," Jace replied without looking at me. Suddenly he seemed mesmerized by the book in his hands.

"How are you?" Isabelle asked, throwing herself on the bed next to me. "Jace doesn't want to tell me, so I figured I'd have to come over here myself."

"Better." I shrugged. My muscles still seemed tired, but I no longer felt the demon's injury. The general feeling of illness had also subsided somewhat. My body no longer glowed, although I didn't feel like the temperature had already returned to a healthy level. I still had a hard time keeping my eyes open. So I lay back on my pillows. "I'll be on my feet soon, don't worry."

"I hope so too, you still have to kick Blake's ass," Isabelle replied, gritting her teeth in frustration. She gave Jace a glare over her shoulder. "I'd have liked to give him a little taste, but apparently you don't fight fire with fire."

"Blake will get what he deserves. Fire won't be enough, though." A low growl had crept into my voice, making Jace look up. His eyes darkened in dissatisfaction, but before he could open his mouth, another person stepped into the open room. Isabelle hadn't even bothered to close the door behind her.

Alec scanned the room for a split second and gave me a quick nod. I probably wouldn't get more as confirmation of my existence, but that was more than I had expected anyway. His bright blue eyes found Jace, and it was only then that I realized how tense he looked. "I tried really hard to keep him away, but he wouldn't be put off," Alec said in the direction of his Parabatai, looking almost apologetic.

"Oh." Isabelle seemed blown away. A condescending expression crept into her eyes. " I've completely forgotten about him. Sorry Jace, we did our best but there was no way we could lock him up anywhere."

I was about to ask who they were talking about when a third figure appeared in the doorway. Adam. Confusion flowed through me at Isabelle and Alec's behavior. I cocked my head and caught Adam's gaze. But before he could take a step into the room, Jace had jumped out of his chair. The brute force threw it loudly against the white wall and both Isabelle and I flinched.

In a second, Jace had rounded my bed and stood in front of Adam as if about to rip him to pieces. What surprised me even more was that Adam didn't seem surprised. As if he knew what to expect here. Jace threw up his arm and pressed his index finger against Adam's chest.

"What is it about the words Keep away from us that you don't understand, Demonhunter?" Jace snarled, his previously disinterested face suddenly twisted into a mask of anger.

"You can't tell me what to do, Jace." Adam's tone was calm, and there was a hint of amusement in his voice, as if he stood above Jace's behavior.

That only seemed to make Jace angrier. "Get lost. Immediately."

"I don't understand you," Adam said instead. "You treated her like shit, showing her how little you thought of her at every opportunity. You're still watching your grandmother torment her. And I amsupposed to be the enemy? I have been Clary's friend from the start."

"You seem like a very good friend if you'd rather watch Blake bother her than interfere." Jace started laughing and Isabelle and I exchanged a long look. If I had the strength, I would have intervened long ago. I had no idea what exactly their fight was about. However, I hated it when people talked about me as if I wasn't there. "If you werea real friend, then maybe there wouldn't have been a need for me to save her from drowning in a canal."

Jace's words made me wince. What I hated even morewas when someone revealed my weaknesses. "Enough," I said, loud enough that they both looked over to me. "Whatever this is, stop it or settle it somewhere else." My narrowed eyes were fixed on Jace, a touch of understanding suddenly darting across his expression. Though I didn't quite like it, he seemed to understand my irritation. At least for as long as it took Adam to want to wriggle out of it.

"I'm not Blake. Don't blame me for his actions just because you can't get to him." He folded his arms across his chest, but otherwise didn't even purse his lips. He seemed so composed. A stark contrast to the emotions Blake's presence had evoked in him. Questions burned on my tongue.

"I would've gotten to him if you hadn't blocked my path," Isabelle remarked matter-of-factly, but her voice was dripping with venom. The sight of Adam didn't seem to make her particularly happy either.

"You behaved like a coward at the Gard, and you know it." Adam had taken a step back, leaving Jace's forefinger hovering in the air between them.

"I don't give a damn what you think you saw at the Gard," Adam said, turning away from Jace without further appreciation. There was a cool arrogance in his demeanor, something I'd rarely noticed about Adam before. He was of good heritage, educated, and knew how to win over arguments. He knew how to manipulate people, he was naturally good at it. But he also knew how to use small gestures to convey his own grandeur to others. Adam said nothing of the sort, but his posture spoke volumes. I don't care about your opinion because you're a nobody. Then his green pupils met mine and the mask of indifference fell from his face. "First hello. I apologize for the commotion. In your condition, you shouldn't have to deal with this."

He could also have said I'm sorry that Jace has to make such a fuss and the meaning of the words would have been identical. "Hello Adam."

The slight smile left Adam's mouth as he was pushed aside by Jace. For some reason he couldn't shake his newfound dislike for Adam. As if he had a personal feud to share with him. "Whatever you want to say, save it for another time!"

This time Adam couldn't hide the spark in his eyes. "Don't touch me," he hissed as he positioned himself in a defensive position and targeted Jace.

Jace's brow furrowed, and now it was he who cracked a smile. But deep fury burned in his frozen golden eyes. "You can't win this fight. Get out or find out the hard way."

"Jace, Adam, that's enough," Alec interrupted, putting a hand on Adam's shoulder. "It's best for everyone if you go. Izzy and I told you that was going to happen."

Adam shook off Alec's hand and even from the bed I could see Adam's jaw clenching. Jace on one side, Alec on the other. Intentional or not, they had him surrounded. The only free way was to the door. Adam's gaze found mine again, this time there was something pleading in it. "Clary, I'm your friend. I know you better than anyone here. So please tell them I can stay here."

Stunned, I stared from Adam to Alec, then to Jace. Jace looked lividly over at me, hands clenched into fists. A moment long, I stared directly in his eyes. Questioning. Wondering. He turned his head away. Only Isabelle didn't seem to have lost her mind. "Honestly, I don't understand what this is all about."

"Just tell them you want me here," Adam repeated vehemently.

I opened my mouth, not knowing what to say. Or should. However, Alec beat me to it. He blocked Adam's way, blocking his view of me. "Clary is sick. The last thing she needs is to worry about your stupid fights. Don't make it worse, Adam."

"Naturally for you to say that," Adam sneered, the anger clearly audible now. He straightened his back and eyed Alec disparagingly. "You're his Parabatai. Of course you're on his side."

"You're making a scene," was all Alec said. I had to think back to Jace's report. Alec would indeed make a good representative at the table with the Downworlders. "We'll let you know when Clary is feeling better. You have my word."

"Clary, are you sure you–" Adam wanted to ask, but Jace gave him another nudge towards the door. Less brutal than the first time, but still clear.

"She's sick, goddammit, and you still can't give her boundaries. What kind of friendship is that supposed to be?"

Adam was already standing in the doorway when he gave Jace one last, resentful look before giving me a sad nod and disappearing. None of that suited the boy I knew. Usually, he was the know-it-all, even-tempered type who always had a smile on his face and never fazed. This ... I couldn't tell what it was about it that bothered me. His friendship with Blake. His distrust of our plans for the Shadowhunters' future. His parents, who he had told me were more conservative than liberal.

I turned my head away from the door and let my eyes wander to the open window across from the bed. Both Jace and Isabelle said something, but I ignored them. Too deep in own thoughts.

Adam had been my friend from the start. I hadn't spent more time with anyone since escaping my father's clutches than I had with him, although contact had subsided over the past few weeks. Not on purpose, but simply because a lot had happened. Adam was my friend, but who was he beyond that? I had no answer. The lack of knowledge burned under my fingers. I decided I would look into it. The list of things I would do after my full recovery became longer by another point.

Visit the Seelie Queen. Kill Blake. Talk to Adam. Not necessarily in that order. That would be decided by chance.

New chapter!

My test was horrible by the way. I'm pretty sure I won't get the percentage I aimed for. So I'm not that good atm. Still, I hope you enjoyed the chapter!

Skyllen