(A tall, bulky beastly figure clad in iron armor roars at the camera before swinging a large sword.)
Uruk-Hai: The bloodthirsty ravagers of Saruman who nearly brought an end to the Rohan...
(An Uruk-Hai is shown using his cleaver to cut down a Rohirrim before impaling another.)
vs.
(A hideous, inhuman creature clad in strange armor lets out a snarl before swinging its staff at the screen.)
Yuuzhan Vong: The vicious extra-galactic nomad who nearly destroyed the New Republic.
(A Yuuzhan Vong is shown locked in battle with a Wookie before he manages to evade an attack and then impale the hairy giant from behind with his staff.)
WHO IS DEADLIEST?!
Here in our elite fight club, we have gathered doctors, scientists and weapons experts to test out the lethal arsenals wielded by each of our combatants to determine who would win a fight when two fictional warriors go head to head.
No rules. No safety. No mercy. It's a duel to the death to decide who is...THE FICTIONAL DEADLIEST WARRIOR!
Using 21st century science, we will see what happens when two different warriors clash in a simulated battle:
Uruk-Hai
Appearing from: Lord of the Rings
Height: 6' 8"
Weight: 350 lbs.
Armor: Iron Cuirass over Chainmail, Iron Helmet
Origin: Isengard
Yuuzhan Vong
Appearing from: Star Wars expanded universe
Height: 6' 6"
Weight: 330 lbs.
Armor: Vonduun Crabshell Armor
Origin: Yuuzhan'tar
"Today we have a battle between two big, bad brutes who nearly destroyed major civilizations. Up first we have the Uruk-Hai, the brutal armor-plated death machines who served as Saruman's front line army. They are taking on the Yuuzhan Vong, the religious zealots who nearly brought an entire galaxy to its knees," biomedical scientist Bradley Foster started.
"As you said, this is a battle between two big, bad brutes who could easily tear a human being to shreds without breaking a sweat. Both warriors have a similar approach to combat that involves all out destruction and sheer strength to crush their enemies. The Uruk-Hai are bred to be super soldiers, much larger and stronger than a typical orc, practically immovable objects. The Yuuzhan Vong themselves are bigger and bulkier than a typical human, strong enough to fight a full grown Wookie without breaking a sweat," trauma doctor Joseph Kaiser explained.
"With these guys, you see a complete clash of technology. The Uruk-Hai utilized weaponry that was to an extent inspired by those found in Medieval times, whereas the Yuuzhan Vong relied upon innovations that were genetically engineered and purely organic," computer expert Eddie Cortez added.
"Well this has me excited. Let's get to it!" Bradley concluded.
The camera cuts to an orc with long black hair and most of his face covered in white powder. He is shown lifting a large sword and testing its weight with a powerful slash.
Up first to represent the Uruk-Hai will be the scout leader and second-in-command to Saruman, Lurtz.
Among the first of Saruman's Uruk-Hai to be bred, he brings his knowledge of their weapons and tactics.
"The Uruk-Hai never quit. We will crush everything that stands in our way until we have completed our objective," Lurtz spoke.
The camera then cut to another orc with long stringy white hair who had a spiked shield strapped to his arm that he was slamming into the chest of a foam target.
Also on hand representing the Uruk-Hai will be Shagrat.
The Captain of the Tower of Cirith Ungol, he demonstrates first-hand their brutality.
"These Yuuzhan Vong are nothing more than fresh meat to us," Shagrat snarled.
The species of orc known as the Uruk-Hai first appeared from Mordor in the year 2475 of the Third Age, when they briefly took Ithilien and destroyed the city of Osgiliath. Originally bred by Sauron, the wizard Saruman the White would breed his own batch in the year 3018. Making up a large portion of Saruman's army, the Uruk-Hai were equipped with the deadliest armor and weaponry, while also gaining allies with other orcs and the men called the Dunlendings.
"Saruman wanted us to track down the Fellowship of the Ring and capture the One Ring. We managed to capture two of the halflings, but the Riders of Rohan were after us as well," Lurtz spoke.
Undeterred by the other hobbits escaping, Saruman sent the Warg Riders to attack the remaining Rohirrim on their way to Helm's Deep for a mighty siege that saw a standing army numbering in the tens of thousands marching forth against the Rohan and Elves defending the stronghold. Despite breaking through the gates, the Uruk-Hai would find themselves pushed back by the defenders before the exiled Rohirrim arrived with Gandalf to aid the defenders.
"The Uruk-Hai believed Saruman was destined to win the war. Once the battle started, we never quit. The Yuuzhan Vong can expect the same of us," Lurtz concluded.
The brutish conqueror rode into battle with an arsenal that could cut through anything standing in their way, be it man, elf, or any large beasts roaming the land:
Short Range: Cleaver
Mid-Range: Pike
Long Range: Crossbow
Special Weapon: Battle Shield
But how will Saruman's super soldiers stand when pitted against an equally fanatical new adversary from a galaxy far, far away?
The camera cuts to an inhuman male being with long black hair, pointed ears and a skeletal grin. He held an amphistaff in hand and took a few practice swings with it, before forming it into a spear-like weapon and hurling it into a foam target.
Up first representing the Yuuzhan Vong will be warmaster Tsavong Lah.
A veteran of the Yuuzhan Vong War, he proved himself as a powerful and efficient warrior who brings knowledge of his warrior caste to the forefront of today's battle.
"The Uruk-Hai, they think they are big and bad?" Tsavong asked in a low voice, "No. They are nothing to us. They know nothing of the true glory of war and conquest."
The camera then cut to an alien woman with her exposed skin covered in strange violet tattoos, in addition to odd piercings and red eye sacs. She was shown testing out a baton-like weapon before setting it down, satisfied with her work.
Also on hand to represent the Yuuzhan Vong will be weapons shaper Nei Rin.
Having made several of the Yuuzhan Vong's bio-organic weapons, she brings firsthand expertise on how to use her peoples' weapons to their fullest advantage.
"The Uruk-Hai would stand no chance against the Yuuzhan Vong," she spoke confidently, "We view war, pain and body sacrifices as status symbols. What do they bring? Just some goofy looking weapons and shiny armor. They are more about looking scary than being effective killers."
Originally from the planet of Yuuzhan'tar, the Yuuzhan Vong would find themselves forced away following a devastating conflict between two droid civilizations, solidifying their hatred for technology and xenophobic attitudes towards other sentient lifeforms. Following the war, they would embark upon a crusade to cleanse their galaxy of all forms of mechanical technology. Soon, they would expand their reach until they came into contact with a completely new galaxy.
"We came to a civilization that was built on abominations. It was polluted and it became our mission to cleanse it, so that others besides our warrior caste could occupy it. It became our destiny passed down to us by Supreme Overlord Shimrra and his priests," Tsavong continued.
Long after the death of Darth Sidious, the Yuuzhan Vong emerged from out of nowhere to catch the New Republic off guard, resulting in a deadly 20 year war that claimed over 300 trillion casualties and rendered entire planets uninhabitable.
"Planet after planet, warrior after warrior stood in our way, each one of them believing their 'advanced technology' made them superior to us and in the end, they all fell before our might. We did something the Sith could not: we brought down the Republic. Even with the mighty Jedi on their side they struggled. What makes a few metal-carrying lepers think they would stand a chance against us?" Nei concluded.
The brutal conquerors march into battle with a deadly organic arsenal unlike anything seen anywhere else in the galaxy:
Short Range: Coufee
Mid-Range: Amphistaff
Long Range: Razor Bug
Special Weapon: Tsaisi
When both warriors needed to tear through enemies up close and personal, they carried deadly blades at their sides.
For the Uruk-Hai, they came equipped with a massive blade that could split a man in half in one swing, the Cleaver.
(An Uruk-Hai is shown bringing his blade down upon an elf, the blade going halfway down until it is almost at the warrior's waist.)
Cleaver
Single-Edged
Length: 4 ft.
Weight: 6 lbs.
Material: Iron
"This is an Uruk's best friend," Lurtz said showing off the massive single-edged blade to the panelists, "We have a front that is used for slashing and smashing and then we have a spike on the reverse end we use for piercing helmets."
"Damn, that thing is basically the machete's big brother," Eddie commented while sizing the blade up, "I mean, how you can stand there holding that with just one hand is just...wow."
"We've set up a test for you to show the lethality of your cleaver," Bradley said motioning towards two targets, "First we have a slab of beef for you to show off the cutting power of your cleaver. Up next, we have a synthetic skull encased in ballistic gel for you to show the piercing power of your spike on the opposite side."
Lurtz grunted and took his position.
"Alright Lurtz, on 3...2...1, hack 'em up!"
Lurtz launched himself at the beef slab with a mighty roar and with a swing of his blade, sliced through the slab of beef. With his first target eliminated, he turned the blade over onto the opposite side and brought the spike down on top of the skull with a sickening crack that tore through the gel tissue and spilled its contents on the floor below.
Dr. Kaiser made his way over to assess the damage done, starting with the beef slab.
"In one fell swoop, you managed to cut right through this guy's chest cavity and into the heart and lungs with one attack alone, an instant kill," the good doctor said before making his way over to the second target.
"Man, that spike went deep," the doctor grunted while moving his fingers along the jagged tear left behind, "You pierced this guy's brain right upon impact for an instant kill. Tearing his skull open was just overkill at this point."
"Overkill is what we do best," Lurtz nodded.
"That looks too big and bulky," Tsavong grunted, "We would just duck right beneath that can catch you off guard."
"Besides, I doubt that would get past our crabshell armor," Nei added.
To emphasize her point, Nei pulled out a crab to show to the panelists.
"This is the vonduun crab, an organism we use to shape our armor. It can withstand almost anything our enemies throw against us, including strikes from the Jedi's 'famed' lightsabers," she said before motioning towards a target already outfitted in the crabshell armor, a rather monstrous set of armor with odd projections that looked like those of an insectoid, and crimson spheres that looked like a demonic set of second eyes staring outward.
"Heh, an Uruk would just laugh at your silly costume," Lurtz shot back.
"Then would you please be kind enough to show us how effective your cleaver would be against an armored opponent?" Bradley asked.
"Let me at it," Lurtz grunted walking past the panelists and towards the armored target. With another mighty swing, he struck the target dead on in the chest and managed to knock the target from its stand, yet it everything looked mostly intact otherwise.
Dr. Kaiser knelt down to examine the fallen target, "I'm seeing some dents and cracks here, but otherwise the armor has done its job. You might knock the wind out of the guy at the most, maybe break a rib or two, but that's that. He's still kicking and able to fight."
"An Uruk wouldn't be deterred. We would find a way past his goofy costume and keep at it until his guts are spilling out," Lurtz retorted.
"Tsavong, how do you answer this challenge?" Bradley asked the warmaster.
"With this," the Yuuzhan Vong warrior replied.
To answer the Uruk's challenge, the Yuuzhan Vong replies with an organic killer surprise, the Coufee.
(A Yuuzhan Vong is shown slicing into the throat of a Chiss defender.)
Coufee
Double-Edged
Length: 7.8 in.
Weight: 1.5 lbs.
Material: Eel
Tsavong stood before the panelists and pulled out an eel-like creature, much to their confusion. Without warning, the eel suddenly transformed into a jagged dagger.
"Wow..." Eddie gasped.
"Definitely the first time we've seen anything like that on here," Dr. Kaiser added.
"Heh, nice toothpick," Shagrat chuckled.
"All of our weapons we bring are organic," Tsavong continued, ignoring the Uruk's outburst, "This is the weaponized form of the coufee eel, which we form into a jagged, double-edged dagger often as a last resort, and a first choice of suicide for honor-driven warriors."
"We've seen daggers on here before, but this is something totally different and we'd like to see how effective that is against an enemy," Bradley said motioning to a ballistic gel torso, "We're giving you 15 seconds to do as much damage as you can."
"Consider it done," Tsavong nodded and took his position.
"Alright Tsavong, on 3...2...1, cut 'em up!"
Tsavong roared and drove his blade into the dummy's chest before ripping it out, following by a torrent of stage blood. He then drew his arm back and sliced deep into the dummy's neck, another gory spectacle following. He then drew back again and slashed away until he had decapitated the target and then followed up by slicing a deep gash into the dummy's gut before reaching in and pulling its intestines out with his bare hand.
"Time!" Bradley quickly called out.
Dr. Kaiser treaded carefully this time as he made his way over following the savage display and started out with the stab to the target's chest.
"Your dagger managed to punch right between this guy's ribs and pierced his lung and even nicked his aorta, which would lead to a quick bleed out and a kill," he said before reaching down to pick up the severed head and examined the slashes to the target's throat.
"You nearly decapitated this guy with your first slash alone, going through his windpipe until you were touching his spinal cord. It only took one strike to do the necessary damage done, again it's just overkill when you get to your second strike. Your strike to the stomach was enough to leave this guy's guts eventually spilling out without assistance," the doctor reported.
"The faster they die, the better," Tsavong replied.
"Still too small and dinky. We'd cut you down before you got close enough to use it," Lurtz spoke.
"Not only that, they got their fancy armor, why don't we see how their little toy works on ours," Shagrat piped in, motioning towards a nearby dummy outfitted in the body armor and helmet of an Uruk-Hai.
Tsavong only scowled at Shagrat and made his way over to the armored target.
Taking a battle stance, the warmaster shot his blade outward only for it to scrape off the iron surface, followed by him slashing away, yet making no further progress.
"You only left a few small scratches and dents. That doesn't look very promising," Dr. Kaiser spoke, only to be silenced by a sharp glare from Tsavong.
Both blades performed their intended lethal functions, but where do our panelists stand?
"My edge goes to the Uruk's Cleaver. While it has its glaring shortcomings, the Coufee is just a dagger going up against a sword," Bradley started.
"Not only is the Cleaver a sword, it has that spike on the end to offer more options. If we brought that into play, there is a chance given the Uruk's size and strength that if he were to try something different, he possibly could pierce the Vong's crabshell armor, whereas the Coufee even struggles against the Uruk's iron armor," Dr. Kaiser seconded.
"Granted, the Coufee is unlike any dagger we've ever seen on here and while it may offer more options for attack, the Cleaver still has the reach that could negate that. Edge Cleaver," Eddie concluded.
In short range weapons, the Uruk-Hai takes the edge with the Cleaver.
Coming up, a deadly infantry killer is pitted against the Yuuzhan Vong's most important ally.
XXXXXXXXXX
The Uruk-Hai and the Yuuzhan Vong, a battle of fantasy versus science fiction.
Both warriors fight with different philosophies, yet a similar intensity in the heat of battle.
"Strategy is for weaklings. We march forward until the battle ends. We have no problem with beating an opponent to death with our bare hands if we have to," Lurtz spoke.
"No one is prepared for our sheer ferocity. We don't believe in mind games. We will hunt you down and won't stop until we've crushed you. Go ahead, run and hide all you want. It makes no difference either way," Nei responded.
When the Yuuzhan Vong went to war, they took down their enemies with a genetically-engineered anti-personnel killer, the Amphistaff.
(A Yuuzhan Vong warrior drops a Jedi with repeated blows from his staff before forming it into a spear and hurling it into the chest of another.)
Amphistaff
Length: 6 ft.
Weight: 5 lbs.
Substance: Living creature
Tsavong approached the panelists with a strange, serpent-like creature coiled around his arm, "This is one of our most trusted weapons," he spoke as the serpent slithered down his arm and once it reached its full length, straightened and stiffened into a staff-like weapon.
"That's scary...yet impressive," Eddie commented.
"This is the most adaptable weapon in our arsenal. It comes with sharp spines down its back that makes it an effective quarterstaff, fangs that prove useful when we use it as either a spear or a flog. If enough pressure is applied, it can even spew poisonous venom," Tsavong explained.
"But the fact that this weapon comes from an organic being, the question now: is it durable?" Bradley asked.
"Certainly," Tsavong answered, "With its organic nature, it is able to recover from virtually any wound."
"Given the versatile nature of your weapon, we've set up a test that responds accordingly," Bradley said motioning to a range set up behind him, "We have 5 attacking Uruk-Hai here and we want you to demonstrate each separate function of your staff on each individual target."
"Sounds fun," Tsavong snarled and then got into position.
"Then on 3...2...1, let 'em have it!"
Tsavong started out by swinging his staff at the skull of his first target before following up with a swing to its shoulder, and ending with a strike to its ribs.
The staff then suddenly went limp into a whip-like weapon that Tsavong would lash the next target's chest with before striking again in its neck, spikes tearing into the dummy's face and neck and followed by a more gruesome spectacle as the spines gouged out pieces of flesh and bone, followed by a torrent of fake blood.
Tsavong then set his sights on the third target, which was positioned 20 meters away from him. He pressed on the amphistaff and it sprayed a stream of venom into the target's face.
He set his sights on the fourth target and again it extended into a long rod with a fanged, spear-like front and he drove it into the target's chest with a sick tearing noise before he noticed the last target standing roughly 10 meters away from him and he yanked it out, tossing the amphistaff like a javelin into the last target's stomach.
"This has hands down got to be the most versatile weapon we have ever had on here," Bradley commented.
"No kidding. Four in one we're talking here. Quarterstaff, spear, whip, and even like a gun," Eddie added.
Dr. Kaiser made his way over to assess the damage done, "With your first target you scored an instant kill shot right to his temple, followed by another shot that would have injured this guy's shoulder and crippled his arm, and ending with a strike that would have broken ribs and possibly collapsed this guy's lung."
He then approached the second target, "With the barbs in your whip, you managed to tear into this guy's neck and even tore out fragments of bone, kill," he reported before moving onto the third target and carefully examining its face with a blacklight.
"You covered this guy's face and are getting it in his eyes for instant blindness. Having read up on the effects of the venom, that won't be the end of it as it will seep into his pores and enter his bloodstream. It's going to interfere with his circulation and choke off his oxygen supply, a very excruciating way to go," the doctor spoke before continuing onto the final two targets.
"When you went to the spear function, you just punched all the way through this guy's body, just narrowly missing the spinal cord. You did however strike both the heart and lung for a kill shot," he said before examining the last target, "With your final strike, you managed to get this guy square in the gut, perforating the large intestine beyond repair, another slow, agonizing death."
"Five for five," Bradley said before looking over to Shagrat, "Think you can match up to that?"
"The Uruk have experience fighting vermin with weapons similar to that. It will be no different for us and when they come at us, we can stop them dead in their tracks," he replied.
When the Uruk-Hai charged on the battlefield, they employed a long proven killer that took down enemies with its great reach, the Pike.
(An Uruk is shown using his pike to impale a charging Rohirrim from his horse.)
Pike
Length: 7 ft.
Weight: 3.95 lbs.
Material: Iron
"Many have found their lives ended on the end of these," Shagrat said displaying his pike to the panelists, "It's longer than that snake of theirs and will cut them down before they can reach us."
"That's it?" Nei scoffed, earning a sharp glare from the orc.
"Well we want to see the effectiveness of your pike in action and we have 3 targets ready," Bradley said motioning to 3 very different targets, "Up first, we have a slab of beef to represent a charging enemy. Second, you will use your pike to take an enemy off their horse, and then finally, you will use the pike on an enemy clad in the crabshell armor of a Yuuzhan Vong."
Shagrat growled and got into position.
"Alright Shagrat, on 3...2...1, take 'em down!"
Shagrat stood in place as the beef came zooming towards him on a zip line, only to be halted as he drove the long pike through its center.
He then waited as the mounted target came charging towards him, the fake horse only halting when Shagrat drove his pike through the mounted target and sending it flying to the floor.
Now all that stood was the final armored target and without hesitation, the Uruk charged and drove the pike through with a sickly crack, much to the surprise of the panelists.
Dr. Kaiser made his way over to assess the damage done to all targets, starting with the beef slab.
"You punched right through this slab like it was nothing and given the length of your pike, got quite a bit of length through. I also notice the small hook on the reverse side that adds to the trauma," Dr. Kaiser spoke before making his way to the fallen target.
"Your pike punched right through this guy's chest and again, another impalement, coupled with the blunt force of him falling to the ground after being dismounted for an added broken neck and a kill," he said before moving over to examine the armored target.
"Wow, you actually did it," he reported pulling aside a damaged portion of the crabshell armor, "You found a weak spot, in the creature's gills in the armpit. You managed to punch right through and are tearing this guy's lung to shreds for a kill. Altogether you are 3 for 3."
"Like I said, the Uruk-Hai won't stop. I knew we'd find a weak spot in your fancy alien armor and once that happens, your guy would be our next meal," Lurtz growled at Tsavong.
"Such simplicity will only take you so far. If one way doesn't work the first time, we have other means to accomplish it. Such is the beauty of our technology," Tsavong replied.
Both weapons showed off their very different capabilities, but where do our panelists stand?
"For me, it's the amphistaff hands down. It has the versatility that puts it light years ahead of a simple pike. It can be used similar to a pike yes, but can also be used as a quarterstaff, a javelin, a whip, and even like a gun!" Bradley started.
"I'd be a fool to disagree. Edge amphistaff," Dr. Kaiser seconded.
"Can we even debate this after seeing both weapons in action? Edge Amphistaff," Eddie concluded.
In mid-ranged weapons, the Yuuzhan Vong takes the edge with the Amphistaff.
Coming up, a staple of medieval warfare takes on a living buzzsaw in a long ranged showdown.
And then later, two vicious conquerors clash in a battle of fantasy and science fiction!
XXXXXXXXXX
The Uruk-Hai, the colossal front line destroyers and the Yuuzhan Vong, the technophobic religious extremists, yet two barbaric warrior races who revel in pain and bloodshed.
"Before a battle, we shave our heads and then fill our helmets with human blood, letting it spill down our backs after we put them on. The scent sends us into a killing frenzy," Lurtz spoke.
"In our culture, pain is worshipped and scars are a symbol of status. A warrior missing an eye, an arm or a leg is revered as a master who has made his sacrifice to the gods," Nei explained.
When the battle went to long range, both warriors had their means to an end. For the Uruk-Hai, he carried a trusted staple of warfare in all known lands of his time, the Crossbow.
(An Uruk crossbowman takes aim and fires a bolt into the chest of an elven archer.)
Crossbow
Length: 40.25 in. (body), 33.5 in. (arms)
Weight: 10 lbs.
Material: Wood, Iron
Effective Range: 120 ft.
"Normally, we prefer to fight up close and personal, but if we are forced to meet our enemies on their terms, then we have plenty of these at our disposal," Lurtz said showing off his crossbow to the panelists, "The elves think their archers are the best, but we've shown them we can be just as deadly at their own game."
"Well we've got 3 targets attacking, one of them clad in the crabshell armor of the Yuuzhan Vong. You have 5 shots so make them count," Bradley said.
Lurtz nodded and loaded a bolt, spanning the bowstring by hand before taking aim.
"Alright Lurtz, on 3...2...1, open fire!
Lurtz squeezed the trigger and sent his first bolt flying into the chest of an unarmored target before quickly reaching for his second and launching it into the second foam target's collarbone.
He then loaded his third bolt and took aim on the armored target, firing it into the dummy's chest, yet there was no evidence of significant penetration. Undeterred, he fired another bolt into the dummy's stomach, yet again, no blood visible. With a frustrated grunt, he loaded his final bolt and fired the arrow right between the target's eyes.
Dr. Kaiser made his way over to assess the damage done, starting with the unarmored targets.
"With both of your unarmored targets I am seeing instant kills, one taking a hit straight in the aorta, and the second in the collarbone," he said before making his way over to the armored target and carefully removed the crabshell covering.
"As for our armored friend here, I'm seeing both of your bolts sticking out, yet they are failing to achieve the significant penetration needed to even hurt this guy. It isn't until you go around the armor that you finally get results. That could spell trouble had this been an actual battle," the doctor concluded.
"Even if our armor does have any weaknesses, a lumbering Uruk-Hai wouldn't be quick enough to exploit them anyway. Our weapon would pierce your armor and kill you in one strike," Nei Rin spoke up.
To answer the Uruk-Hai's challenge, the Yuuzhan Vong respond with a weapon few would expect, a razor-edged insect that can be thrown like a discus to cut off limbs and pierce vital organs, the Razor Bug.
(A Yuuzhan Vong warrior is shown tossing a razor bug into an oncoming Mandalorian, the bug chewing through his armor as he screams the entire time.)
Razor Bug
Length: 5 in. diameter
Weight: 2 lbs.
Material: Living creature
Effective Range: 30 ft.
"Behold...the razor bug," Nei said holding out a fist-sized, green, beetle-like insect, "We've engineered these to serve as thrown ranged weapons. They're basically living knives. They can shred flesh and even pierce certain types of armor."
"A thrown weapon, is it accurate?" Bradley asked.
"When we throw it, it will deploy its wings to guide it towards its target and can come back if it misses its target. We can throw more than one at a time and completely engulf our enemies if we want to," Nei further explained.
"Well we've got 3 targets here for you to test your...bugs on, again 2 bare and one clad in the iron cuirass of an Uruk-Hai," Bradley said motioning towards the targets ahead.
"Watch a real weapon in action," Nei said to Lurtz and took a position closer to the targets than before.
"Alright Nei, on 3...2...1, bug out!"
Nei launched her first projectile with an overhand throw, the razor bug whistling through the air as it embedded itself into the first dummy's chest, wasting no time tearing into the foam exterior with its knife-like teeth.
"Damn! That's not a bug...that's a freaking piranha!" Eddie exclaimed as the bug dug its way through the dummy.
"It's gruesome, yet incredible at the same time," Dr. Kaiser added before cheering at the bug eating its way through the target.
Nei took her next bug and focused on the second target, launching it like a disc and sending it tearing right through the second target's face, the top half of its head falling to the floor.
"That thing works like a buzzsaw," Bradley added.
Nei then set her sights on the armored target and tossed the razor bug at the target, the bug latching on to the iron cuirass and chewing its way through, much to the amazement of the panelists. It wasn't long before fake blood was leaking from the wound.
"Mission accomplished," Nei nodded before summoning the bugs back to her.
"Once again, you just impress us with things we've never seen. Those are some weapons grade bugs you've got yourself there," Bradley commented.
Dr. Kaiser made his way over to assess the damage, peering deep into the crater left behind by the first bug.
"Ungodly," was all he could say, "He would have turned this guy's heart into a midnight snack," he mentioned before checking on the second target, "And this guy, it was like watching a shuriken on steroids with the way you launched it, just totally tore through like a buzzsaw as Bradley put it."
The good doctor then approached the armored target and carefully removed both the iron cuirass and the chainmail beneath, "Wow, he managed to eat his way through and just barely missed the heart. Yet, it's still a vital wound and this guy would be down for the count."
"Heh, an Uruk would turn that puny bug into a late night snack," Lurtz snorted.
"Deny the damage all you want, but this bug would tear through your weak armor like cloth. Even if one missed, an experienced warrior would still be able to throw more than one at a time and engulf you where you stood," Tsavong said coldly.
Both weapons incapacitated all of their targets, but where do our panelists stand on the final verdict?
"This is more up in the air for me than I expected. The razor bug can get past the Uruk's armor, yet it requires the user to be closer. The crossbow on the other hand struggles with the Vong's armor, yet it has the greater range. I'm calling this one even," Bradley started.
"They do have their strengths and weaknesses. The crossbow also has the longer reload time, yet the Uruk also have the luxury of taking on an enemy without headgear, making for an easy target. The razor bug is a strictly thrown weapon, but an experienced Vong warrior can also toss multiple bugs at once. I'm with you, this one is even in my book," Dr. Kaiser seconded.
"I'm going to disagree. The way that bug was just able to eat through that armor wins the edge for me, whereas the crossbow struggled. Edge Yuuzhan Vong," Eddie concluded.
In long range weapons, our warriors are even.
Coming up, a serpent-like baton is pitted against a dependable battle shield.
And then later, the Uruk-Hai and the Yuuzhan Vong meet in battle to decide who is "The Fictional Deadliest Warrior!"
XXXXXXXXXX
The Uruk-Hai and the Yuuzhan Vong, two warriors who show a great devotion to what they fight for.
The Yuuzhan Vong fought for the glory of their war gods.
"The gods sacrificed themselves to create our galaxy. The more pain, the more we remake our bodies, the closer we become to them. To die in battle was the greatest glory, to retreat was the greatest insult to the gods," Tsavong explained.
For the Uruk-Hai, it was for the glory of their master.
"Saruman was to take Middle Earth and remake it in his image, one where the strong reigned supreme," Lurtz spoke.
The time has now come for both warriors to unleash their special weapons.
For the Yuuzhan Vong, they brought the nasty cousin of their serpentine amphistaff into battle, the bone-breaking Tsaisi.
(A Yuuzhan Vong warrior is shown using his tsaisi to bludgeon an Ithorian to death.)
Tsaisi
Length: 2 ft.
Weight: 2 lbs.
Material: Living creature
Nei stood before the panelists with another serpentine creature coiling around her arm. On her cue, the creature suddenly hardened into a thin, baton-like weapon.
"This weapon we call the Tsaisi, also called our 'baton of rank.' It requires a specialized training to be used effectively, assuring this is only reserved for the most elite officers of our warrior caste. It comes from the same species as the Amphistaff and can be used as a baton, a two-headed dagger, a whip, or even as a ranged weapon that shoots venom," she explained.
"Yet another highly versatile weapon we are eager to see in action and once again, we've provided two targets for you to test things out on," Bradley said motioning to the two ballistic gel targets ahead.
"My pleasure," Nei nodded and took her position.
"Then on 3...2...1, take 'em down!"
Nei swung her baton into the jaw of the first target before following up with a strike to its temple, continuing away until its head split open. She then allowed her tsaisi to slacken into its whip form and wrapped it around the dummy's throat before forcefully yanking it to the ground.
She then set her sights on the second target and squeezed the tsaisi to spray venom into the target's face before forming it into its blade form and stabbing the dummy in the gut and tearing it open, letting its innards spill out.
Dr. Kaiser made his way over to assess the damage done, starting with the first target.
"Your first blow alone has dislocated this guy's jaw, not a kill, but will hurt like hell. Your second shot though does have the possibility of being a kill shot if you hit him hard enough, otherwise you'll knock him out for sure. You kept pummeling away however until you finally split his skull open like a watermelon," he observed before making his way to the second target.
"Once again you are unleashing that vile venom that will blind him and eventually kill him if left untreated, yet the coup de grace comes when you are stabbing him in the gut and leaving his innards to spill out. We've got two dead guys here, folks," Dr. Kaiser concluded.
"Heh, your little snake won't make it past our shield," Shagrat chuckled.
When the Uruk-Hai needed a last resort, they combined defense and offense with the bone-breaking Battle Shield.
(An Uruk is shown driving his battle shield into the face of a Rohirrim and knocking him off the side of a fortress wall before swinging it sideways to cut into the throat of another with its spikes.)
Battle Shield
Length: 24 in. diameter, 35 in. long
Weight: 25 lbs.
Material: Iron
Shagrat now stood before the panelists with an iron shield that had a small white hand centered on a black field and two sharp iron spikes on the bottom.
"This was a trusted shield carried by our numbers in battle. It defends against incoming attacks and if we lose our main weapon, we can still use the bladed side as another weapon," Shagrat spoke.
"It looks pretty big and bad for a shield and we've devised a tested to measure the force of impact behind your blows," Bradley said motioning to a nearby crash test dummy, "We've got this guy here rigged up with shock patches to measure the force behind your blows."
Shagrat grunted and approached the dummy. Without a word, he suddenly drove himself shield first into the dummy to send it wobbling backwards before following up with a punching attack to the target's face. He then finished by swinging the shield sideways and striking the target with the rim end to finally knock it from its pedestal.
He then set his sights on a pig carcass nearby and without warning, stomped over and swung the bladed end of his shield into the pig's gut, slicing it open in a gruesome display of blood and innards.
"I am getting the readings and you hit him with just over 45Gs of pressure from one strike alone, roughly the equivalent of low speed auto collision or an IED explosion. With your shot to the guy's body, you are breaking ribs, possibly collapsing a lung, and even disrupting his heartbeat. With your blows to the head, you generated enough force to cause a depressed skull fracture and brain lacerations that can lead to an almost immediate death," he said before looking over to the pig carcass.
"That wasn't intended to be part of the test, but the results speak for themselves," the good doctor concluded.
"Still looks too cumbersome. We'd be able to sidestep anything you threw at us and kill you in more ways than one," Nei said shaking her head.
"We don't sneak around. We'd take you down head on. Our shield will protect us from your fancy tricks," Shagrat growled back.
"Care to disprove him?" Bradley asked both Nei and Tsavong.
Nei drew the tsaisi, while Tsavong drew the amphistaff. They both looked to other and nodded as Nei charged first striking the shield with the tsaisi's baton form, yet it did not yield. She then attempted to strike it in its whip form, yet again nothing.
Tsavong then stepped up and struck the shield in its quarterstaff form, yet it held firm. He then formed his staff into a spear and thrusted it forth, only leaving behind a few scratches. Nei then squeezed her tsaisi and shot venom onto its surface before Tsavong tossed his amphistaff like a javelin, yet in the end, the shield held firm.
"Just a few scratches! That's nothing to us!" Shagrat roared.
Both special weapons showed off what they can do, but where do our panelists stand?
"I'm leaning with the battle shield on this one. The tsaisi may have more uses, but the shield can hold up to all of its attacks it offers," Bradley started.
"I disagree. The versatility of the Tsaisi takes this for me. It can be used like a baton, trip up an opponent with its whip form, and even shoot venom like the Amphistaff," Eddie countered.
The tiebreaker would fall down to Dr. Kaiser this time.
"You both make good points, but the battle shield is wielded by a big, strong user that can more damage than a typical human user, all the while still protecting the user in addition to the spikes that can offer additional versatility in attacks. For it's combination of defense and offense, I'm giving the edge to the battle shield."
In special weapons, the edge goes to the Uruk-Hai with the Battle Shield.
As it is with all warriors, there is a critical X-factor that makes them who they are. For the Uruk-Hai, it was that he was bred to be a super soldier.
"We are not born as humans and elves are. We are born from the mud of Isengard, carrying the traits of orcs and goblin men without either of their weaknesses. As soon as we are drawn from the pits from which we are spawned, it is common for an Uruk to kill the one who pulled them out as a show of strength," Lurtz explained.
For the Yuuzhan Vong, it was his reliance upon his own organic weaponry as opposed to the advanced technology of his enemies.
"The lepers we fight against believe their 'advanced technology' gives them an edge in battle over us. It makes them content and overconfident. It makes them lazy. Our approach to combat requires us to be hardened and to think outside the box. It requires us to be creative and our weaponry reflects that with its versatility that allows us to stand on even footing with them," Tsavong explained.
Coming up, it's a battle between two ferocious brutes to determine who will be "The Fictional Deadliest Warrior!"
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With our testing completed and our X-factors evaluated, we are now one step closer to determining who will be "The Fictional Deadliest Warrior."
Our teams tested 4 weapons used by the Uruk-Hai: the Cleaver, the Pike, the Crossbow, and the Battle Shield.
On the opposite side, 4 weapons used by the Yuuzhan Vong were tested: the Coufee, the Amphistaff, Razor Bugs, and the Tsaisi.
In short range weapons, the Cleaver cut through the Coufee.
EDGE: Uruk-Hai
In mid-ranged weapons, the versatility of the Amphistaff took out the Pike in more ways than one.
EDGE: Yuuzhan Vong
In long ranged weapons, the Crossbow struggled with the Vong's armor, yet possessed the superior range, while the Razor Bugs lacked the range, they made up for with piercing the Uruk's armor.
EDGE: Even
Lastly in special weapons, the Battle Shield provided an effective offensive/defensive combo as it pummeled through the Tsaisi.
EDGE: Uruk-Hai
Our scientists and weapons experts are done with their testing. The results are in and the time has come to decide who will be the victor. To ensure the battle won't be decided by a single, lucky blow, the battle will be simulated one thousand times in a duel to the death.
Who will prevail in a battle between two merciless battlefield giants?
Overwhelming Force
(An army of Uruk-Hai charge and quickly overpower the Rohirrim defenders on an open plateau.)
vs. Beastly Ferocity
(A Yuuzhan Vong fighter sprays venom into a Republic soldier's face before bludgeoning him to death with his tsaisi.)
Organic
(A Yuuzhan Vong fighter forms his Amphistaff into a spear before impaling a Jedi.)
vs. Metal
(An Uruk-Hai splits a dwarf's skull open with a strike from his cleaver.)
Elite Shock Troopers
(Uruk-Hai are seen marching on Helm's Deep in full force, covered in fresh human blood.)
vs. Religious Extremists
(Yuuzhan Vong are shown standing tall after massacring an entire squad of Imperial troopers.)
"Everything is set and now it's time to see who emerges victorious in a battle of the brutal conquerors," Eddie said before starting the simulation.
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We are taken to a canyon that sits within the shadow of an erupting volcano, the sky filled with ash.
A lone Uruk-Hai marches along the rocky terrain on a solitary patrol for any suspected threats from the Rohirrim. He is clad in an iron cuirass and matching helmet with his battle shield strapped to his left arm and a crossbow in the other hand, a quiver of bolts strapped to his belt. He is also carrying his cleaver and pike, strapped to his opposite side and back respectively.
Not too far away, a Yuuzhan Vong warrior stands alone in a treacherous new world, yet he is ready for battle, clad in his organic crabshell armor. He is holding his amphistaff in one hand, while his serpentine Tsaisi is coiled around the other. In addition, he is carrying a coufee and several razor bugs used by his people.
The Uruk-Hai continues along the curving path and ascends the incline only to halt as he reaches the summit and finds himself standing face to face with a skeleton-like being clad in black organic armor. Setting his eyes upon a new challenger, the Uruk-Hai lets out a low growl and stabs his pike into the ground before reaching into his quiver and pulling out a bolt that he places in his crossbow and spans it, ready for action.
The Yuuzhan Vong is not impressed and lets out an inhuman roar, which prompts the Uruk-Hai to squeeze the trigger and fire his bolt into the alien warrior's chest, yet the bolt just bounced off the chestplate and only seemed to further annoy the strange combatant. With another roar, the Yuuzhan Vong made his charge and pulled a razor bug from his belt that he tossed at the Uruk-Hai while making his approach.
Although confused by the projectile flung his way, the Uruk was quickly back on the defensive as he saw the razor bug's wings deploy and home in on him, yet he was quicker and used his shield to swat the fly away. The distraction allowed the Yuuzhan Vong to draw his amphistaff and leap into the air with it raised above his head, bringing it down on the Uruk-Hai with a mighty strike, only for him to deflect it at the last second with his shield and then shoot it outward into the alien warrior's face.
With his opponent stunned, the Uruk-Hai pulled the pike out of the ground and attempted to drive it into his enemy, again for the iron tip to scrape off the hardened surface of the Vong's armor. The intergalactic warrior responded by allowing his amphistaff to slacken into its whip form and shot it out, wrapping it around the pike's wooden shaft and then yanking it away from the Uruk-Hai.
With a frustrated grunt, the Uruk-Hai drew the cleaver from his belt and waited for the Yuuzhan Vong to make his next move. The alien warrior let out a dark chuckle before he lashed out again, his blow intercepted by the Uruk's battle shield. The amphistaff then hardened into a spear with a poisoned tip and he shot it outward, but his strike was again deflected by the battle shield. He then attempted to strike at the orc's leg, but the Uruk-Hai leaped backward to avoid the poisoned tip before trying to bring the shield's spiked rim down onto the weapon, yet the Vong was quicker and drew the staff back before shooting outward again. The orc attempted to leap backward again and the spear's tip glanced off his iron cuirass.
The Uruk shot his cleaver out, only to be met by the hardened amphistaff, followed by another strike that saw both weapons locked together and their users engaged in a fierce test of strength that was broken when the orc managed to shove his alien challenger back with his battle shield. Using the spike on the opposite end of his cleaver, he managed to hook onto the amphistaff's shaft and with a mighty yank, sent the organic weapon flying aside.
The Uruk-Hai wasn't done with his assault as he swung his blade a little lower and finally managed to find a weak spot in the alien warrior's armor, striking one of the gills beneath the Vong's arm.
The Yuuzhan Vong warrior gasped in surprise, before a ghoulish smile crossed his features and he began laughing heartily as he reveled in the pain freshly inflicted upon him, feeling himself becoming closer to his deities and looking upon the scars that would follow as symbols of pride.
The Uruk-Hai stared at his enemy in confusion before shaking it off and going for another mighty swing of his cleaver, which the alien warrior simply turned his back so his armor would absorb the full force of the blow. He then ducked low and drew both another razor bug and the coufee from his side, forming it into its jagged dagger form and ducking another blow before rolling along the ground and tossing the razor bug at his adversary.
The razor bug struck the Uruk in his arm, leaving a deep gash before it a high-pitched buzzing noise came from behind the shock trooper and he turned swiftly with a deft slash of his cleaver that split the bug in half.
It created an opening for the Vong warrior as he grabbed the Uruk from behind and attempted to slash into his exposed neck with his jagged blade. He was able to draw a thin line of blood before the Uruk was forced to drop his cleaver and struggle to get him off his back, grabbing one of the alien's pointed ears and tearing it off, but the Yuuzhan Vong held tight and it wasn't until the orc forcefully turned his entire body and threw himself backwards against a jagged rock wall that he was able to loosen the invader's grip and send him falling to the ground and dropping his coufee.
It wasn't the last of the Yuuzhan Vong's tricks as he took the other serpentine creature coiled around his arm – his Tsaisi – and shot it outward like a whip, this time wrapping around the Uruk-Hai's leg and yanking him from his feet. He then hardened the tsaisi into its baton-like form and attempted to clobber away at the Uruk-Hai, but was again met by the orc's battle shield with every blow.
With a roar of rage, the Uruk-Hai shot the shield out and struck the Yuuzhan Vong with the spiked end, but again only managing to scratch the crabshell armor. The alien conqueror tried to strike again with his tsaisi, but the Uruk-Hai again swatted his weapon away from him and struck him in the face with a blow hard enough it sent him flying several feet backward.
The Yuuzhan Vong grunted as he pushed himself back to his feet and looked over to see his amphistaff laying not too far away. He looked back ahead to see the Uruk-Hai charging at him with a blood curdling war cry. Remembering he still had more razor bugs on his being, he pulled out the three bugs he had left and tossed them simultaneously at the bloodthirsty brute, who grunted in frustration as he swatted one bug away with his shield and swung at the others, which flew around him and began tearing into his iron armor and the other into his shield arm.
With his enemy distracted, the Yuuzhan Vong reclaimed his amphistaff and struck the Uruk-Hai as hard as he could in the side of his helmeted head, hard enough to leave a dent in its iron surface and leave his enemy stunned. He followed up with another swing that knocked the orc's helmet off, exposing his ugly, snarling face beneath.
Stunned, but not out of the fight, the Uruk-Hai shook the cobwebs away and swung his cleaver again at the Yuuzhan Vong, who brought his staff up to block the blow and then shot his foot outward into the orc's gut and sent him staggering backward.
It wasn't the end as the Yuuzhan Vong pressed on the neck of his staff and a torrent of venom was sprayed into the Uruk-Hai's face.
The Uruk-Hai howled in pain as the venom burned his eyes and he swung wildly with both his cleaver and shield as he was left blinded. He was brought down to a knee as the amphistaff slammed into his right kneecap and was again slammed into his jaw, shattering it upon impact.
A state of euphoria washed over the Yuuzhan Vong warrior as he hovered over his battered adversary and let the amphistaff assume its spear form. With a final sneer, he drove the sharpened tip through the Uruk-Hai's face and twisted it until he made sure his enemy was dead.
With his opponent eliminated, the Yuuzhan Vong extracted his weapon and roared in victory.
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Winner: Yuuzhan Vong
Yuuzhan Vong:
Coufee: 35
Amphistaff: 327
Razor Bug: 127
Tsaisi: 33
Total: 522
Uruk-Hai:
Cleaver: 178
Pike: 125
Crossbow: 60
Battle Shield: 115
Total: 478
"In what was another relatively close battle, the Yuuzhan Vong prevailed thanks largely in part to him having the more versatile weapons, which enabled him to find ways around the Uruk-Hai's defenses and kill him in more ways that one. His amphistaff was hands down the most dominant weapon in the entire simulation and likely, he could have taken the entire fight using just this weapon alone.
"It was also coupled with him possessing superior organic body armor that the Uruk-Hai's weapons had trouble finding his way around," Bradley explained.
"How is this possible that we lost?" Lurtz growled before his head perked up, "Then again, this was from a program designed by humans!"
"The Yuuzhan Vong required a Galactic Alliance to take them down, where the Uruk-Hai couldn't even crush a few measly humans. Heh, it just proves why we are the deadliest warriors of our galaxy!" Tsavong said, beaming with pride following another victory.
(The Yuuzhan Vong takes one final look at the fallen Uruk-Hai before turning around and continuing on his way.)
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Next time on "Fictional Deadliest Warrior," the mammalian races of the fantasy world battle it out:
(A gray-furred feline humanoid clad in leather armor and a helmet swings a flanged mace at the screen.)
Khajiit: The infamous feline assassins and thieves of Elsweyr...
vs.
(A human-hyena hybrid clad in steel lamellar snaps its fangs at the screen before swinging a battle axe.)
Gnoll: The ravenous hunters of Faerun who terrorize all that cross their path.
Who will be...THE FICTIONAL DEADLIEST WARRIOR?!
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Author's Note: Hope you all had yourselves a fun Labor Day weekend!
This is another battle that turned out more of a proper match than I had expected once I read further into both warriors and I wanted to give a special thanks to gojiratoho25 for his assistance, as well as helping me narrow things down for my next matchup.
As for all the usual legal jargon, the Uruk-Hai and all Lord of the Rings references are based upon the workds of J.R.R. Tolkien and the Yuuzhan Vong and all Star Wars novel references are based upon the works of George Lucas.
With apologies to Lord of the Rings fans!
As always, read and review...that and keep it FUCKING METAL!